Lost Boy - Chapter 7: Chapter 7

"Of course you decided to watch this," Finn moans as he stretches himself out on the sofa.
Charlie raises an eyebrow unimpressed. Because not only is Finn criticising his film choice, he's also allowed himself to take up the majority of the sofa so that Charlie has nowhere to sit. Finn pats the tiny space of the sofa next to him and Charlie almost refuses to sit there, but he's trying to be braver and is trying to care a little less and so he sits. Perches so that he's far away as physically possible, so that there's no way his skin can possibly touch Finn's, but he sits, and that's the important thing.
"What's wrong with what I picked?"
"It's kinda lame," Finn says, "I mean I was hoping for something funny, like Ted, or scary. Why did you have to go and pick Up?"
"I love this movie," Charlie whines, "why the heck would you want to watch anything scary anyway?"
"Because then I could pretend I was scared and snuggle closer to you."
Charlie's cheeks barely even blush when Finn says that, he's slowly becoming accustomed to Finn's little comments and suggestions. Is slowly starting to be able to control his reactions. That's not to say that he's entirely comfortable with them, or than he has any idea how to react to them, but he's adjusting slowly, so that he can do more than stammer in response. Instead now he settles for rolling his eyes and an occasional sarcastic retort.
"It's a good job we're watching Up then, cause I don't wanna deal with you being scared."
"I wouldn't actually be scared," Finn tells Charlie, his tone strangely indignant, "I'd just be pretending to be scared so you'd hold me."
"So you'd be lying to me?"
"In a romantic manner yes."
"Do you ever think about how stupid you sound?"
"I try not."
A smile takes over Charlie's lips, and he leans in ever so slightly closer to Finn, barely an inch between their faces.
"I love this movie," Charlie says once again, "so please can we watch it without you complaining."
"I suppose I can try not to hate it too much."
"Good," Charlie chews on his lip, bites back the smile, "maybe we can watch a scary movie next time."
"And can we snuggle?"
"Maybe."
It's not a lot but Finn latches onto that word as if it's the final lifeboat left in a stormy sea.
Neither one of them are entirely sure what they're doing, what they're supposed to define themselves as. Because they are just friends, but they are also something more. They're boys who have movie nights and talk about snuggling, who lean in for kisses when they just can't deny themselves the pleasure any longer. They dream of sitting on rooftops and staring at the stars at midnight and allow their hands to brush just so they can feel the electricity of the touch burn through them.
But they're nothing really. Just friends.
Maybe they'll never be anything more than just best friends. IT seems impossible to believe that though, not when they have evenings like this, evenings when it just seems like it's the two of them and nothing else matters. When Charlie can forget about his Dad and wrap himself up in Finn instead.
They're not even ten minutes in when Charlie starts crying, it always gets him, the beginning. When Carl's whole world feels like it's falling apart.
At first Charlie thinks he's gotten away without noticing. And then the other boy leans over, to where Charlie is still perched on the edge of the sofa, and wipes a tear off his cheek. His hand lingers, ever so slightly, just a few moments longer than is necessary and then he pulls away.
Charlie kind of misses his touch.
And so he threads his fingers through Finns, squeezes lightly. Finn returns the gesture and their hands remain intertwined. Charlie can hear the blood rushing in his ears and can feel his heart trying to escape out of his chest but he keeps holding on, refuses to allow himself to pull away, refuses to allow himself to be afraid.
The movie's over and their fingers are still linked. And as the credits roll neither one of them pulls away.
"I suppose that wasn't too bad," Finn mutters with a teasing smile, "so what next?"
Charlie knows that Finn is asking what film they should watch next. Charlie knows he should make a suggestion. Instead he tugs on Finn's fingers, moving the other boy closer to him. Finn's still lying down though and so when he tugs back, Charlie finds he falls, so his body is spread across Finn's. Heads barely a breath away from each other.
"Now this is the kind of position we should watch films in," Finn tells Charlie, "you look good on top."
It turns out Charlie has not entirely got the blushing under control just yet as his cheeks turn red. He ducks his head, not wanting Finn to see, and ends up burying his face in Finn's chest while the other boy's chuckles reverberate through both of their bodies.
When Charlie looks up Finn is staring at him with an affectionate smile on his face and he reaches up a hand to brush a strand of hair out of Charlie's face, fingers barely touching Charlie's skin but Charlie still misses the feeling once it's gone.
"So," Finn repeats, "what next?"
A film, Charlie should suggest a film. But he doesn't.
Instead he reaches his fingers out and traces the curve of Finn's face, propping himself up with one arm. And then he lets his hand fall to Finn's shoulder and pulls the other boy ever so slightly closer. Bringing their lips together in a simple touch. Just like that the idea of another movie is forgotten as Finn's fingers thread themselves through Charlie's hair, making it difficult for Charlie to pull away, not that he has any plans to do so.
Charlie doesn't think he'll ever get tired of kissing Finn, or tire of getting lost in the other boy's lips. It's intoxicating and with every second passing by Charlie can feel himself forgetting everything else. Forgetting his Dad, forgetting how wrong this all is. Because right now it feels so right, it feels like coming home. He can't pinpoint exactly how he feels about Finn, whether it's lust, like or even, impossible, love. But Charlie knows that from that moment two years ago he never stopped feeling something for the other boy. Something which denial and time and scars couldn't get rid of.
Propping himself up is beginning to grow uncomfortable now and so Charlie shifts, twisting onto his side still making sure that his body is pressed as close as physically possible as Finn's.
"Fuck Charlie," Finn murmurs.
Charlie pulls back, afraid he's done something wrong. But Finn is smiling, a dazed smile that suggests he didn't expect the unexpected.
"You're a pretty good kisser," Finn continues, sweeping his fingers over Charlie's skin, the lightest of touches that makes Charlie shiver and his skin tingle.
"I suppose you're alright," Charlie replies teasingly with a smirk on his face.
Finn kisses it right off.
"Fine," Charlie corrects, "you're a pretty good kisser too, I mean there are a few things to work on."
"I suppose I'll have to get to work on them then," Finn replies.
"I suppose you better."
"Will you help?"
"I suppose it's the right thing to do," Charlie says, "I mean someone has to show you the ropes."
"I might need a lot of practice."
"I've got some time on my hands."
Finn chuckles, captures Charlie's lips with his once again. His hands fall to Charlie's waist, gripping him tightly, refusing to ever let him go.
Finn knows that he's playing a dangerous game, that one of them is bound to end up disappointed once it's all over. He knows that Charlie could change his mind at any moment, could switch back to that terrified boy in the blink of an eye. But he also knows that he can't pass up on this moment, that he's been aching for a kiss like the one they shared two years ago ever since it happened.
There have been other boys since of course, some of them lasting longer than others. Most of stayed for a night, maybe two. A couple have lasted a few weeks or months. But there's always been something missing. Their touch hasn't been electrifying enough, their kiss hasn't held enough fire. Deep down Finn knows he's been comparing every single boy to Charlie since back then, which is undeniably unfair when Finn admits that Charlie's kiss is unlike anything he's ever experienced. There's something about it that captivates him, rewrites everything he's ever known in a single meeting of the lips until all Finn knows is Charlie's name and the feeling of their lips against each other.
"Was that better?" Finn asks.
"A little bit, you still need to work on a few things, just one or two."
"Well I suppose if you insist."
"Well if you don't want to I suppose we can just stop," Charlie says beginning to pull away.
Finn knows – or is at least pretty damn sure – that Charlie is just joking but that doesn't stop him from tightening his grip ever so slightly. Finn knows he's going to have to let go eventually, that Charlie won't want to stay forever, but he'd really rather not think about that.
And so he kisses Charlie again. It appears these kisses act as a way to forget everything. Charlie is forgetting his father and forgetting his fears (although the two are perhaps somewhat synonymous) and Finn is forgetting that Charlie is scared of it all, forgetting that he has to be careful not to scare Charlie away. Deep down Finn is aware that Charlie's not going to stick around, that he'll either deny his feelings forever or settle down with someone else. But these kisses allow him to forget that, to believe that the pair of them could last a little longer than just these few moments.
Their kiss deepens, bodies not even an inch apart, hips pressed together.
"We need to," Finn pulls away, stammering out a few words in an attempt at an explanation, "we need to stop like right now."
Charlie's brow furrows. Finn is never the one to pull away and it's always Charlie who stammers and panics, never Finn. Finn is usually cool and collected but right now he looks embarrassed and Charlie has no idea why.
"You okay?" Charlie's nervous, scared of Finn's response.
"I just I, we need to stop."
Finn moves to the other end of the sofa, eyes staring at the floor as if he's too embarrassed to even meet Charlie's gaze.
"What's up?"
"I have an... uhm... slight problem," Finn says, quickly allowing his gaze to flicker over to Charlie to gauge his reaction.
Charlie's expression remains passive and somewhat confused.
"I have a slight problem," Finn repeats, "in the... uh... downstairs area."
Charlie can't help it but his eyes drift towards Finn's crotch and to the quite obvious bulge that is there.
He tries to lighten the situation.
"It's okay Finn," he says, "some guys have small dicks, it's not a big deal."
Finn narrows his eyes and shakes his head.
"That's not what I meant and you know it," he tells Charlie, "believe me, I have no issues regarding my size."
"Oh," is all Charlie can say in reply his cheeks turning red, "okay then."
"So yeah, I should probably just go jump in the shower or something, I'm, uh, really sorry about this."
Awkwardness drapes over the two of them and Charlie can't find the right words to say. Finn is always the one that lightens the situations but right now he seems far too embarrassed.
"Is that, uh, because of me?" Charlie asks as Finn begins to make his way out of the room.
He can't help himself he just has to know.
"No, that damn bird in Up just got me way too turned on." Finn says sarcastically, "Yes it's because of you, idiot."
"Sorry," Charlie isn't sure how his cheeks can get any redder by somehow they do, "I just – I've never – I don't."
"No I'm sorry for snapping," Finn says quickly, "I just, this is kind of embarrassing for me right now."
Before today Charlie might have been tempted to believe that Finn wasn't capable of embarrassment. But the other boy is refusing to meet his eye and he's still stood up, awkwardly waiting for Charlie to stop asking questions so that he can sort himself out, hands positioned so as to attempt to hide the bulge.
Finn knows he needs to say something to dispel some of the tension, to distract himself from feeling embarrassed. Maybe if Finn acts like this isn't that much of a deal then it won't be. And maybe it shouldn't matter to Finn so much, but he feels like this is pushing Charlie. As if now that he knows exactly how attracted Finn is to him he's going to be scared away.
"You know I'd usually say seen as though you caused it you really should help sort the issue out," Finn says teasingly.
Charlie looks up sharply. His mouth hanging open just a little bit in shock.
"I – I wouldn't – I don't," Charlie stammers.
"I was joking Charlie," Finn says, "I mean you're only just getting comfortable with kissing I think that might be progressing a little quick."
"Just a little bit."
"Yeah, so uhm, I'm gonna go," Finn tells Charlie, "you'll be okay on your own right?"
Charlie ignores the question.
"I wouldn't know how to anyway," he says.
"You'll never learn if you don't try," Finn jokes, "seriously though Charlie I was kidding."
With that Finn makes his way out of the room, Charlie hears the slam of the door bathroom door behind him.
There's a miniscule part of Charlie that wants to follow after Finn, that wants to re-enact all those thoughts from his very first day here. But it's a small part, and it's a part that's currently being overwhelmed by the rest of him screaming that these thoughts are terrible. That he shouldn't do that, that he'll disappoint everyone if he does. Charlie doesn't even know why he thinks it would be a good idea to do any of that stuff anyway, because not only is Charlie dramatically inexperienced but Finn most certainly isn't. Charlie would probably only end up making a fool of himself anyway.
And so Charlie sits still, watches the black screen of the television, still waiting for Finn and him to choose another film.
Charlie hears the shower turn on.
He sits on his hands, forces himself to stay still. But it appears that it's not just Finn that has a little – or not so little – problem.
All Charlie can think about is Finn in the shower, and about what would happen if he joined him there. Because in the end Charlie is still a horny teenage boy, and there's something about the way he kisses Finn, hips rolling against one another's. That painful friction, the feeling of being so close, fabric the only thing separating them that gets Charlie's heart racing and his blood rushing and his thoughts heading in a direction he really wishes they wouldn't.
Charlie wants to say that he has no idea what he wants. He does. He's just afraid of what it means if he goes for it.
And so he sits still. Tries to think of anything else but damn Finn in that damn shower. He begins to name his favourite Disney movies in descending order, then his favourite books in alphabetical order. Anything to distract himself. But his growing erection is becoming impossible to ignore and Charlie can feel his cheeks flushing even though there's no one else to see the bulge forming under his jeans.
Charlie still refuses to allow himself to move, foolishly tries to will the damn thing away. To no avail.
He lets out a sigh of relief when he hears the shower being turned off.
"Better?" He forces himself to ask when Finn walks out of the bathroom, forces his tone to become teasing to act like nothing is wrong.
"Yeah," Finn says with a shy smile.
The other boy doesn't even pause before walking over and offering Charlie a chaste kiss.
"I, uh, need to go to the, uh, toilet," Charlie stammers, face flushing, skin heating.
His pace is fast and he locks the door behind him as quickly as he possibly can. Charlie isn't entirely sure he came in here, it's not like he's going to get himself off, here, in Finn's bathroom. But Charlie just can't be out there right now, not when all he can think is about Finn and him doing... things. Things that Charlie knows there's no way he should be thinking about.
"You okay?" Finn's voice is accompanied by a soft knock on the bathroom door.
"Fine." Charlie calls back. "Why?"
"You just seem to be taking an exceptionally long time," Finn says teasingly, "and when I came out of the room I'm not sure I've ever seen someone look so worried, or run out of a room so fast for no apparent reason."
"I just, uh, well."
"Is it something I can help with?"
Charlie desperately aches to say yes. To tell Finn exactly what he's going on. But he's too shy, too unsure, too afraid of fucking everything up.
"Everything's good," he tells Finn, "I'll be out in a minute."
Charlie presses the flush in order to keep up the illusion before heading out of the bathroom. Finn is staring at him with a concerned expression on his face.
"I know something's up," Finn says, "you're acting strange."
"I just, I..."
Charlie has no idea how to tell Finn.
"I just have a bit of a problem too."
Charlie refuses to take his eyes off the floor. Can feel that his face is tinged red and just wants to run out of the room as fast as he possibly can. His feet are rooted to the spot though, and his legs feel like jelly.
Why on earth did he just tell Finn that?
Charlie contents himself with the idea that maybe Finn won't know what he's on about, that maybe he'll think Charlie's problem is something else. Charlie does have a lot of problems after all.
"Oh," Finn says.
Charlie dares to look and is surprised to find that there is a small smile on Finn's face. It's not teasing or mean but rather he looks pleased with himself, or maybe the situation.
"So... uhm... yeah," Charlie trails off with no idea where he was going with that sentence.
"I'm sorry about that," Finn says, letting out a choked laugh.
Charlie's blush deepens and Finn must notice as he quickly rushes to explain why he's so amused.
"Shit Charlie I'm sorry. I just have no idea what to say, not just you that's never been in this situation before."
Charlie looks puzzled.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean usually when I give a guy a hard on they're more than happy to let me help them sort it out."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"I – just – I."
"I mean," Finn says his voice tentative, "I can help you out if you want me to?"
Charlie isn't sure how to reply. And so he stares at the carpet beneath his feet and tries to work out the mess of thoughts that are all tangled up in his head.
"Shit I'm sorry Charlie, it was stupid of me to suggest. I don't want to push you, I just thought, I don't know what I thought."
Charlie looks up.
"It's weird to hear you nervous," he says teasingly.
"I just don't wanna fuck things up," Finn tells Charlie.
"You won't," Charlie assures me, "it's me that keeps on fucking things up."
"Yeah but you have a reason."
"That I'm fucking scared of everything?"
"Yeah," Finn says, then pauses for a moment, "okay I want you to trust me for a minute."
"Okay," Charlie sounds nervous, Finn can't say he blames him.
"I want you to answer the next questions completely honestly, no matter how much the answer scares you."
"Uh, sure, okay."
"Do you want me to help you out with your little buddy?"
Charlie laughs, can tell that Finn is trying to dispel some of the awkwardness, is trying to make Charlie feel more comfortable.
"Kind of."
"Kind of?"
"Kind of," Charlie repeats, "I just, everything we do fucking terrifies me."
"I don't want to scare you away," Finn admits, "hell I have no idea what's going on between the two of us, I have no idea how you feel for me and I haven't spent a lot of time examining the specifics of my feelings for you but I don't wanna push you too far Charlie, tell me if I'm coming on too strong or if I'm doing something that makes you uncomfortable."
"Everything you do makes me uncomfortable," Charlie admits, then quickly moves to explain himself, "I don't know how to do any of this, and you're clearly quite experienced. And I just, I worry that I'm going to do something wrong. And maybe this is all wrong?"
"It's not wrong," Finn says swiftly, his voice gentle, "fuck Charlie do you really think this could be wrong?"
"I don't know."
"Tell me how you felt when we were kissing earlier."
"Are we still doing the whole honesty thing?"
"You bet we are."
"I felt happy."
"So can it be wrong if it makes you feel happy?"
Charlie ducks his head.
"He always said it was."
"He was wrong."
Charlie offers Finn a small smile.
"I sure as hell hope you're right," he says.
"I promise."
Finn's fingers trace Charlie's cheekbones before he pulls Charlie close. Their lips quickly meeting. Finn falls back onto the sofa pulling Charlie with him so that Charlie is straddling his lap. Their hips grind against each other and Finn can feel Charlie's hardness rubbing against him.
"Charlie," Finn says pulling back slightly, "uhm we should maybe stop, you know, if you're, yeah."
Charlie remains quiet for a few moments, he doesn't move and Finn waits patiently. He knows he has to give Charlie time and so contents himself with drawing circles on Charlie's skin.
"Uh," Charlie says eventually, his tone is nervous, "could you, would you?"
Finn is pretty sure he knows what Charlie is requesting.
"You sure?" He asks. "You don't have to, whatever you're comfortable with."
"I just need," Charlie tells Finn, "I just need you."
Finn kisses Charlie once again, it starts off sweet a reassurance that everything will be okay, that everything they are doing is not wrong. And then it picks up in its ferocity, it becomes passionate and fiery and Finn is pretty sure that this is going to be a kiss that keeps him up at night.
Pulling away Finn gestures for Charlie to get off of him and then quickly pushes the other boy down on the sofa, Finn's hands gently moving down so that he can palm Charlie through his jeans.
"We don't... we don't have to," Finn says, still offering Charlie the chance to back out.
"I want to," Charlie assures him, "fuck I really want to."
"Good," Finn mutters.
Then their lips are reattached and Finn is struggling with Charlie's zipper and it's a mess of heat and desperateness and something between lust and like and love.
"Fuck Finn," Charlie whines.
"You sure you want this?"
"Will you stop asking me?"
"I just don't want you to regret this once it's over."
"I won't," Charlie says, "I promise."
They both know it's not a promise that Charlie is necessarily going to be able to keep but Finn finally pulls down Charlie's zip none the less.
Charlie bucks his hips as Finn rubs his hand over Charlie's boxers, teasing, waiting, giving Charlie a chance to change his mind. Finn really does not want to rush whatever it is that's happening between them, but there's also something quite nice about Charlie admitting what he really wants, reacting like this to Finn's touch. It drives Finn crazy, this proof that Charlie wants him just as much as he wants the other boy.
"Finn," Charlie says through gritted teeth, "just... please."
Finn slowly pulls Charlie's boxers down, allowing Charlie's erection to spring free.
Finn is unsurprised that when he looks up Charlie is blushing.
"I... I.... I," Charlie stutters."
"Shut up," Finn says, somewhat teasing somewhat serious, then his tone becomes more gentle, "seriously Charlie relax, I'll stop if you want me to but I just want to make you feel good."
Finn takes Charlie's erection in hand, tightening his grip ever so slightly as Charlie lets out a sigh of contentment. Finn quickly settles into a rhythm, watching Charlie's expression to see what he's enjoying. Charlie's eyes are half closed, his expression somewhere between wonder and nervousness. Finn leans up to press a reassuring kiss to his lips.
Charlie smiles against his lips.
Finn carries on moving his hand up and down for a few moments, enjoying the sound of Charlie's breathy moans. Finn can't control himself, he wants to make this as good for Charlie as he possibly can.
At first he just places a kiss to the tip, keeping up the rhythm he's created with his hand. Charlie stills ever so slightly but he doesn't push Finn away and so Finn peppers light kisses all the way up the inside of Charlie's thighs, teasing. And then he swipes his tongue along the underside of Charlie's cock, ending with taking just the tip in his mouth, his hands still working away. At first he sucks lightly, gradually increasing the pressure and depth as he progresses, hands working with whatever he can't take in his mouth.
"Shit Finn," Charlie moans, "fuck."
Finn's other hand moves to hold Charlie's hips down as he works his mouth up and down.
"Fuck Finn, fuck, fuck, fuck."
Charlie stiffens and Finn swallows. Pulling away after a few moments and wiping his mouth.
At first Charlie refuses to meet Finn's gaze and then Finn presses a tender kiss to Charlie's lips, hand caressing his cheek and Charlie smiles.
"Thank you," he mutters.
"Thank you?" Finn repeats teasingly. "It's not a problem, I enjoy it. But I guess next time you should probably return the favour."
Finn swears Charlie blushing is the cutest thing.
Charlie's blush remains as he pulls his boxers back on, and tugs on his jeans.
"I... uhm... enjoyed that," he says, running a hand through this hair.
"And you're not freaking out?" Finn asks concerned.
"Not yet," Charlie jokes, then taking on a more serious tone, "seriously Finn, I won't freak out."
"I just feel like I took things too far."
"I chose to do it," Charlie points out.
Finn sighs. Neither agreeing nor disagreeing. Instead his brow furrows in deep thought, wondering if now is the right time to ask the question that's been burning through his brain for a few days.
"What are we Charlie?" Finn asks.
"Humans?"
Finn's serious expression must notify Charlie that now is not the time for jokes.
"What do you mean?" Charlie says.
"I mean we make out, and we hang out together all the time and we do... stuff like this apparently now," Finn tells Charlie, "but are we just friends?"
"I don't think just friends do stuff like this," Charlie points out, "I guess I'd just rather not put a label on anything."
"What does that mean?"
"I don't know, I guess we're comrades who copulate," Charlie jokes.
The reference to their discussion in that very first week brings a smile to Finn's face.
"I just," Finn stops, unsure of what to say, whether he's revealing too much, "I really fucking like you okay, and I'm not going to push you into anything that you don't want to do, but I enjoy spending time with you and I enjoy kissing you and I sure as hell enjoy sucking you off, but I just would like to know how the hell you feel about all of this, I don't want either of us to mess the other about."
"I really fucking like you too," Charlie admits, voice quiet.
"So what then?"
"I just... my dad can't know."
"Why are you so afraid of him? What would he actually do?"
"I really don't want to talk about this."
"Fine," Finn concedes, "but what do you want. Imagine you can make a decision and your dad doesn't have to find out. What would you like us to be then?"
"I guess I'd like to go on a date with you."
"Really?"
The smile that takes over Finn's face is bright, it makes Charlie feel like he's basking in the sun.
"Well then why don't we try it?"
"Try what?"
"I don't know, dating. But without the whole 'you're my boyfriend' thing. Nobody has to know, you can just see if it'd be something you'd like."
"I thought you didn't do long term?"
"I said I might do when the right person came along."
"And I'm the right person?"
"I'm willing to find out," Finn says, "just, do you want to try it?"
"Nobody has to know?"
"I won't tell anyone, not even Eliza, your dad won't find out. Nothing has to change, you can just see what you want, maybe figure out what's going on in that head of yours a bit better."
"This doesn't seem very fair on you," Charlie points out.
"And yet I'm offering it to you."
Finn brushes a strand of Charlie's hair back and leans in to kiss him.
"You wanna try it?"
"It sounds like fun, it sounds good."
"Is that a yes?"
Finn's lips are hovering just a millimetre away from Charlie's.
"Yeah," Charlie says, a little bit breathless, "yeah it is."