Lost Boy - Chapter 8: Chapter 8
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AT AGE SIXTEEN Charlie Martin has no idea who he really is. He spends his days pretending to be someone who's cool, who gets all the girls and couldn't care less about anything. He spends his nights lying awake and thinking of pressing his lips to another's boy's, of the boy he could be if only he had the courage to admit what he really wants.
AT AGE SIXTEEN Daniel Evans is out and proud. He spends his days rolling his eyes at those who can't understand that guys can likes guys too. Spends his nights trying not to think about all the little comments from his peers about how he's never going to be happy.
It's October, two years ago. The little cupcake shop on Main Street.
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Charlie is pretty sure he has an addiction to cupcakes. After all he's been waiting in line for fifteen minutes so far and he still thinks it's worth it. It's also Wednesday and he's already been here five times this week, although that could be something to do with the cute boy from school who is always sat in the corner. The cupcakes are good, but the eye candy's even better.
Not that Charlie will ever make a move.
When the boy looks up, sweeping a strand of candyfloss pink hair out of his eyes, Charlie quickly looks away. He really does not want to be caught staring, Finn didn't seem to mind it but that doesn't mean this boy won't.
The other boy is standing up now, gathering his stuff and Charlie can't help but curse himself because it's probably his fault, he's probably scared the boy away.
Charlie knows he's being an idiot, knows that he should just say something to the boy, or at very least smile at him. But instead he dwells in thoughts of saying hello to him, of allowing himself the pleasure of running his hands through his hair.
No. Charlie shouldn't be having these thoughts. They're wrong. But they swirl around in his mind none the less.
Pulling out his phone Charlie opens up facebook, searching through his friends list until he finds a familiar face. His finger hovering over the message button, his thoughts tempting him with the prospect of what might happen if he says... something, anything really.
He stuffs his phone back in his pocket.
Daniel Evans. Charlie savours the name on his lips. He recognises it slightly, he's pretty sure Daniel is in some of his classes but he can't say he knows him personally. He's definitely cute though. Definitely someone Charlie wouldn't mind talking to, not that he'll ever work up the courage to do that though.
"What can I get you?"
Charlie's reached the front of the queue without realising it.
"A banoffee muffin," Charlie says, "toffee butter icing."
The cashier simply nods and quickly hands over the cupcake in a brown paper bag, Charlie quickly giving him the money.
Charlie glances at his watch, it's only four but he knows his Dad will be expecting him home soon and so he better hurry up unless he wants to start an interrogation. Charlie wouldn't describe his father as protective, more paranoid, determined not to let his son get into trouble of any kind. In the Martin household if you're home late it's because you're up to no good, when Matthew used to come late his Dad used to be convinced that it was because he'd been doing something with Finn, when Charlie comes home late he must have just been something with some boy.
But there's no harm in Charlie typing out a message, right? Just something to let Daniel know that he's noticed him. That would just be a friendly gesture. Right?
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Charlie Martin: I like your hair, pink suits you :)
Daniel Evans: Thanks ahaha, I wasn't sure about the pink at first but it's growing on me (technically literally as it is hair)
Charlie Martin: That is how hair works I suppose. But no the pink is definitely a good choice :) I like it
Daniel Evans: You suppose? Don't tell me you're balding? And of course I make my hair decisions based entirely on what you like :p
Charlie Martin: No, no, that's not what I meant
Daniel Evans: That you're balding or that I make my hair decisions based on what you like?
Charlie Martin: Both.
Daniel Evans: I know that, I was joking don't worry
Charlie Martin: Good :) just didn't want to think I had fucked things up already
Daniel Evans: Things?
Charlie Martin: Things :)
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Somehow Charlie has reached his front door without realising it and he quickly shoves his phone into his pocket, the last thing he wants it his Dad asking questions. I mean it's harmless, the two of them are just talking, have barely even exchanged a handful of messages but he knows that his Dad will blow the entire situation entirely out of proportion. So it's better that Charlie just hides his phone, that way he avoids the questions and the accusations and the lying.
"That you Charlie?"
Charlie can't imagine who on earth else his Dad is expecting to enter the house unannounced. Perhaps a few months back it might have been Matthew, but Matthew's at university and it's just Charlie and his Dad in the house. Something he's learning isn't always necessarily a good thing.
"Yeah it's me," Charlie calls back.
"Good day at school?"
The loud thump as Charlie throws his school bag down on the table seems to answer his Dad's question for him as he lets out a chuckle.
"I'm sure it wasn't that bad."
"Whatever," Charlie sighs.
"Turning into a proper teenager aren't you," Charlie's dad jokes, "just as long as you keep on respecting your elders."
Charlie nods absentmindedly, his thoughts not entirely concentrated on what his Dad is saying. He's too busy thinking about his phone which feels like it's burning a hole in his pocket, he wants desperately to see if Daniel has replied to carry on the conversation but he can't just walk away from the his Dad, can't let him get suspicious.
"Am I boring you?"
His dad can clearly sense that he's distracted as he questions Charlie, his tone caught halfway between teasing and serious.
"No, I just have some work to do, kind of stressed out about it."
"Fair enough," his Dad replies, all anger leaking out of his tone, "you can go do it if you want, I know school is important to you."
"Thank you."
Charlie runs up the stairs to his room, feet thundering against the wooden floor. He's not sure why he's so desperate to talk to Daniel or why it's so nice. Charlie supposes it's because it feels like a new beginning, a new start to something that could work out differently to how it has before. It felt similar with Finn, like a single boy might change everything, but this is slightly different, somehow feels safer and more dangerous all at once.
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Daniel Evans: Well things definitely sounds interesting, I guess I'll have to stick around
Charlie Martin: Good :)
Daniel Evans: You know I didn't think you even knew I existed
Charlie Martin: You're in some of my classes right? And I always see you chilling at the cupcake shop on main street
Daniel Evans: YOU GO TO EMMAS?!?!?!
Daniel Evans: That place is my life and soul
Charlie Martin: Guess I know where I should invite you to hang out tomorrow
Daniel Evans: You wanna hang out?
Charlie Martin: Sure I do, why wouldn't I?
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Charlie can barely contain his nerves as he waits in the corner booth of 'Emma's Cupcake Shop' the next day. He can feel the excitement and worry pulsing through him as if it's a chemical in his bloodstream. His hands are shaking and his heart is racing and he knows, just knows, that he's going to say something irreparably stupid.
"Hey."
Charlie didn't even notice Daniel walk in which probably demonstrates how much he's panicking.
"Hey," his voice is quiet and he can't seem to increase the volume no matter how much he tries, "I didn't see you come in."
"It's cause I'm a ninja," Daniel says, shuffling from one foot to another, "the point is you're not supposed to hear me creep up on you."
"So you were creeping?"
"Depends."
"On?"
"Whether me admitting I was will result in the cupcake eating not going ahead."
"I don't think I can deprive you of cupcakes for anything," Charlie says teasingly, "I mean you went on for about an hour last night about how much you loved them."
"It was like five minutes!" Daniel says in his defence. "But what about if I murdered a man, would I get cupcakes then?"
"I mean you'd have to ask me nicely but sure."
"What if I'd murdered you for the cupcakes?"
"Then there's not really anything I can do to stop you from eating the cupcakes."
"But to reply to your question, I wasn't creeping," Daniel tells Charlie, "I was just checking that you didn't look like you were about to kill me or something."
"Or something?"
"I don't know, pull out a video camera and reveal you talking to me was all some big prank," Daniel jokes.
"Why would it be a joke?"
"Cause everyone thinks I'm a loser."
"I don't think you're a loser," Charlie says.
"Thanks."
"And you really think I'm cruel enough to do something like that?"
"I don't know you," Daniel points out.
"Well then we better get to changing that."
Twenty minutes later and Charlie's nerves have calmed. He's still panicking slightly, still worried he's going to say something wrong. But his posture has eased, he's started to lean back and act as if he actually wants to be there. There's still a slight shake to his voice, one he's desperately trying to hide but he's pretty sure Daniel has noticed.
But conversation is flowing nicely, mainly because Daniel is insistent on trying to get to know Charlie better. Seems to want to know his favourite everything, colour, animal, food, band, book, everything.
"You act like you don't get asked questions a lot," Daniel says.
"What do you mean?"
"You just seem flustered," Daniel tells Charlie with a small laugh.
Charlie shrugs slightly.
"I mean I guess I don't. Is that weird or something?"
"No... just... I don't know, it's kind of weird that you have no idea how to answer a simple question," Daniel says teasingly.
"Well maybe I should be asking the questions then."
"Aw, are you embarrassed you don't know how to engage in normal conversation?"
Daniel's tone is light and joking, and Charlie can't help the small smile that slips onto his face.
"Shut up," he tells Daniel, but from the smile on his face it's easy to tell he's not serious.
"Make me," Daniel replies.
Charlie's cheeks flush but he decides to try to avoid any innuendoes that can follow that suggestion.
"I suppose tape might work," Charlie suggests, a smirk beginning to grow on his face.
"Wow," Daniel says, "now I'm hurt. Am I really that annoying?"
Charlie pauses as if he's considering the question.
"Yep. You really are."
"It's a wonder you're still hanging out with me then."
"I guess I've just got a thing for annoying guys," a brief pause, "not like that. I don't mean..."
"Whatever Charlie," Daniel says with a roll of his eyes, "I know."
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Daniel Evans: I had a really good time today
Charlie Martin: Good :)
Charlie Martin: Me too
Daniel Evans: Good
Charlie Martin: Guess we'll have to do it again sometime :)
Daniel Evans: Sounds like a plan
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The next day at school is strange. Charlie finds that he keeps on noticing Daniel when he never really has before. Before Daniel has been the boy from the cupcake shop, perhaps occasionally has been a face Charlie has noticed on the corridor. But now he's seemingly everywhere, Charlie can't stop noticing him. He's getting off the bus when Charlie is waiting for Oliver to arrive, he's stood a few places behind him in the queue at break and it turns out he's in Charlie's PE class although it's not surprising Charlie hasn't noticed him, Daniel, it turns out, likes to stick to the sidelines during games.
"Hey," they're on the way back to the changing rooms when Charlie finally manages to work up the courage to talk to Daniel again, as if somehow overnight Daniel is going to decide he hates him, "you have any plans for lunch?"
It's perhaps a weird way to phrase the question, it's not like the school offers a wide variety of activities to do at lunch, it's not even like they're allowed to leave the school site. So Charlie isn't really asking if Daniel has any plans, he's asking who he's sitting with.
"Not really," Daniel rubs the back of his neck as if he's embarrassed by that fact.
"You wanna sit with me?"
"And your friends?"
"Well yeah."
"Are you sure that'll be okay with them?"
"It'll be fine," Charlie assures Daniel, "why wouldn't it be?"
"I don't know," Daniel trails off as he puzzles over his words, "your friends are pretty cool."
"So?"
"So they might not wanna sit with me."
"Don't be an idiot," Charlie says teasingly, "they're not dickheads, at least not completely."
Daniel replies with a weak smile.
"Sure then," he tells Charlie, "I'd like that."
The two of them head into the changing rooms then and Charlie takes a deep breath. If there's anything he hates about school it's getting changed after class. He always panics that his gaze is going to linger a little too long and that someone will call him out of it. He knows it's stupid and wrong and he doesn't know why he does it but for some reason his gaze always seems to catch.
He keeps his eyes averted downwards as he changes and leaves the changing room as quickly as he possibly can, waiting out in the corridor for Daniel to finish getting changed.
"You sure this is okay?" Daniel asks once again when he steps out onto the corridor.
"Like I said it's fine. Stop being a loser."
Charlie jokingly pushes Daniel to the side and then instantly regrets his decision. Charlie isn't sure why but he wants everything between Daniel and him to be perfect, would just like, for once, for nothing to go wrong. For Daniel to like him.
Charlie is slightly concerned about how he wants like to be defined. He's trying to convince himself that it means friendship, deep down he's not so sure.
"Charlie!"
Oliver's voice is clear from down the corridor and Charlie heads in that general direction, looking over his shoulder to ensure Daniel is following close behind him. He offers the other boy a supportive smile, can tell that Daniel is strangely nervous.
"I don't want to intrude," Daniel says.
"Daniel you're sitting with me at lunch."
"What if I don't want to?"
"Well... well," Charlie stutters slightly, "I mean I guess you don't have to then. I just mean, y'know, if you're nervous because of my friends don't be."
"I know Charlie," Daniel laughs slightly, "I was joking, I wanna sit with you I just don't want it to be awkward if your friends hate me."
"My friends don't hate you."
"You sure?"
"Certain. And if they do then I'm sure we can change their mind," Charlie says teasingly.
They've reached Oliver now who simply gives Daniel a slightly questioning look before shrugging and walking into the canteen. It's as simple as that, and Charlie can tell that Daniel is surprised. Charlie knows why of course, knows that Daniel hasn't exactly had the easiest time fitting in, being one of the only out and proud individuals in the school can take its toll on someone, especially when half the population seems to act like his dad – although perhaps to a lesser extent. Unlike his Dad there's been very little anger or fighting, more like a silent hostility, little actions that make Daniel feel like he's not wanted.
Charlie's friends aren't like that though. In fact Charlie knows Daniel is only scared of sitting with them because all eyes will be on him. Charlie's never exactly been comfortable with the premise of popularity and what it stands for, but he can't deny that he has a lot of friends, that people weirdly seem to look up to him. He knows that some of it is the effect of having Matthew as an older brother, knows that Finn and he created some kind of golden reputation whilst they were here that seems to have rubbed off on him.
But his friends are all nice. They're just normal people who seem to have gotten lucky with their place in the high school food chain.
"Hey," Charlie says as he sits down.
There are some noises of acknowledgement but that's about it, conversations carry on and Charlie is glad. Maybe that'll scare Daniel less.
He gestures for the other boy to sit next to him and Oliver takes the seat on his other side.
Charlie can tell Daniel is on edge but he offers him a friendly smile, one that takes over his features entirely and luckily Daniel is at least slightly socially adept and takes the opportunity to make conversation with Owen who is sat on his other side.
And he fits in so well that Charlie almost can't believe it. Of course he knew that he and Daniel had bands in common, but he didn't realise that Owen and Daniel regularly play together on Call of Duty or that Daniel and Jesse have known each other since they had piano lessons together then they were like five. It's weird to Charlie that Daniel and his friends can be a part of each other's lives.
It's quite nice though. Having Daniel there. And Charlie feels their knees brush against each other under the table, and he feels his heart race in that stupid way he's trying to ignore and he smiles. Because he's happy.
Really happy.
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Daniel Evans: You know your friends aren't complete dicks ;p
Charlie Martin: Really? I hadn't realised ;p
Daniel Evans: Yeah, I guess I can see why you're friends with them now
Charlie Martin: Good :)
Charlie Martin: That just means you'll have to sit with me again
Daniel Evans: Really?
Charlie Martin: Of course :)
Daniel Evans: Thanks Charlie
Charlie Martin: What for?
Daniel Evans: I'm glad that we're friends
Charlie Martin: Me too :)
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It's a month later when Charlie finds that it's becoming more difficult to stop Daniel asking questions about why Charlie never invites him round.
They're over at Daniel's house, as they are regularly after school. But Daniel is yet to go to Charlie's house, and Charlie isn't entirely sure how to explain the situation. Doesn't know how to explain that Daniel's sexuality is enough for Charlie's dad to not allow him into the house. That Charlie doesn't want his dad to know he's friends with Daniel in case he tries to stop their friendship. Charlie values Daniel's friendship far too much to risk his Dad. Charlie knows what Matt went through trying to convince his Dad that he should be allowed to be friends with Finn.
It's much easier for Charlie to keep Daniel secret.
"But why can't I come round?"
"My dad's not great at letting me have people over," Charlie says, it's somewhat truthful after all, "it's more effort than it's worth."
"Do you not want me to go round?"
"It's not that, I love spending time with you, you know that. It's just easier for us to spend time in other places."
"Your dad sounds like a dick."
Charlie is caught between defending his dad and agreeing. He settles for a sigh.
"Maybe one day."
"I'll hold you to that," Daniel says teasingly.
Charlie offers him a smile. Daniel appears to be the only person since Finn who could draw a genuine smile out of him.
"Go for it."
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Daniel Evans: One day right? I can come over to yours
Charlie Martin: Maybe :)
Daniel Evans: I just don't see why it's such a problem...
Charlie Martin: It's not that important Dan. My dad just doesn't like people coming round, so I guess we'll just have to spend time together somewhere else :)
Daniel Evans: So how come Oliver's allowed round?
Charlie Martin: That's different :/
Daniel Evans: How so?
Charlie Martin: It's complicated.
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It's perhaps slightly worrying how comfortable Charlie is becoming at Daniel's house. Worrying how in such a short space of time Charlie can find himself so at home, both in a place and with a person.
They've only been sat in Daniel's room for around ten minutes but Charlie is already sprawled across Daniel's bed, holding a cookie in his hand that Daniel's mum offered him.
He's buzzing with the kind of contentment that rarely comes along. The two of them are sat in lazy silence, the quiet hum of the radio offering some background noise. But other than that neither of them are speaking, they're happily in a comfortable lull, happy to just lie next to each other lost in their own thoughts.
"Hey Dan," Charlie suddenly says, "how come I've never met your brother?"
"I could ask you the same thing about your Dad?"
"I know," Charlie replies apologetically, "but I'm always round at yours, and he never really seems to be home."
"It's probably better that way."
"What do you mean?"
"It's not important Charlie," Daniel tells him.
"It's important to me."
"Well it shouldn't be," Daniel snaps, then, realising his tone is harsh, "sorry, it's just not something worth talking about, and I don't like talking about it."
"Fine," Charlie pauses, "but if you ever do want to talk about it then hit me up."
"Hit me up?"
"It was the first thing that came to mind, shut up."
"Make me," Daniel says quirking his eyebrows upwards suggestively.
Charlie pauses, unsure of how to reply. It's not often that the two of them get caught up in moments like these but they happen occasionally. When their bodies are pressed so close together and it would just be so damn easy for the two of them to lean in and allow their lips to brush. But Charlie always denies himself the privilege. Always makes up excuses for himself that even his own brain doesn't believe.
Their bodies are barely an inch away from each other right now, Charlie can feel Daniel's breath light against his skin, blowing wisps of his hair back. And it would be so easy for Charlie to kiss him.
But he doesn't.
Instead he remains quiet, simply offers Daniel a smile which can be interpreted whichever which way the other boy chooses to do so and turns his attention to the duvet beneath him, fiddling with the edge of it.
"Hey Charlie, tell me about your Dad."
"There's not a right lot to tell."
"Is he nice?" Daniel asks.
Charlie pauses.
"Of course he is," Charlie replies, "he's my dad."
"Just because he's your dad doesn't make him a nice person. Sometimes your family members can be the cruellest."
Charlie cocks his head as if he's waiting for Daniel to elaborate but when Daniel doesn't make any move to carry on talking Charlie sighs, puzzles over his words.
"He's a great person. Passionate, loyal, strong."
"He sounds like a great guy."
"He is."
Charlie can't tell if his words are true or not anymore. Can't tell how he really feels towards his Dad. Because sure there are moments when Charlie hates him, when Charlie wishes the solution to everything didn't include ugly bruises or first aid kits. But his dad takes care of him, and Charlie knows he only wants the best for him.
"Tell me about your brother," Charlie says.
It seems only fair that he should be allowed to ask after Daniel brought up his father, a topic which usually seems to be off limits for some reason.
"Tell me about your brother," Daniel counters.
"I asked first."
"There's not a right lot to tell," Daniel says, echoing Charlie.
"Fine, is he nice?"
Daniel ducks his head. Refuses to answer the question. And so Charlie repeats himself, still no answer.
"Is he nice?"
"He's my brother."
"That doesn't make him automatically nice remember," Charlie says lightly, "you told me that like five minutes ago."
"We don't always see eye to eye on things," Daniel admits.
"Things such as."
Daniel pauses, it's clear to Charlie that he's deliberating on how to reply. Charlie almost wishes he hadn't pushed him so far.
"My sexuality."
Charlie isn't sure how to reply to that at first so he stammers and stumbles over his words.
"I'm sorry Dan."
"Not your fault."
"When you say you don't see eye to eye?"
"Marcus takes any chance he can to try and convince me I'm not a real man," Daniel laughs but it's clearly forced and Charlie can feel his heart ache.
"Shit Dan I'm sorry."
"Not your fault," Daniel repeats.
"You shouldn't have to deal with it though."
"You get used to it."
Charlie is surprised by how much he identifies with that statement.
"You shouldn't have to."
"Easier said than done."
And that one too."
"I'm sorry," Charlie repeats once again.
He knows it's pointless, and he knows it's not going to help but right now it seems like it's all he can do.
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Daniel Evans: It's okay anyway, he's just got into the army
Charlie Martin: I don't think your happiness should depend on whether your brother is currently living with you or not :/
Daniel Evans: And yet it does
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They're both sat in the corner booth of 'Emma's Cupcake Shop' when Daniel looks up with a giant smile on his face.
"You know where we should go?"
"Where," Charlie sighs, accompanying the question with a roll of his eyes.
"The beach."
"Yesterday you told me that you don't 'do direct sunlight' Daniel."
"So?"
"The beach generally involves direct sunlight," Charlie points out.
"I'll find a way to make it work," Daniel says.
Charlie rolls his eyes but doesn't bother hiding the smile that spreads over his face.
"Fine then," he concedes, "we can go to the beach."
---
When the pair of them finally get to a beach a month or so later, Daniel is seemingly unimpressed.
"I don't know why," he says, "but I expected the sand and the sea to be a bit more exciting."
"Are you seriously accusing the seaside of not being exciting enough?"
"Well I just expected more y'know."
"More?"
"Some sunshine or something."
"Dan we live in the UK," Charlie points out, "sunshine is not something that occurs very often."
"I know, I guess I just hoped."
As if to make Daniel's disappointment worse, it begins to rain, a slow drizzle that clouds the skies and soaks through the clothes.
"Well today is going great," Daniel mutters.
Charlie can't find it within himself to disagree, the day seems bleak and not just because of the dreary weather. And Charlie knows Daniel has spent so long looking forward to today, had hoped that for once the UK could offer the kind of weather that a day at the beach really requires. It's one of Daniel's greatest features and worst traits, he hopes no matter how bad the odds.
"The weather's not the end of the world," Charlie replies.
"Really? You wanna go in the sea when it's raining?"
"Well we'll be soaked whichever way."
Daniel scoffs, unable to hide his disappointment.
"But that's not what I meant," Charlie continues, "why does this mean so much to you anyway?"
Daniel looks down, his cheeks heat ever so slightly.
"It doesn't."
"It must mean something to you, I've never seen anyone so disappointed by the arrival of rain."
"I've never been to the seaside before," Daniel mutters.
"Oh. Well you know the beach isn't the only thing the seaside has to offer right?"
Daniel perks up slightly, now interested in what Charlie has to say.
"What else does it have?"
"You ever been to an arcade?"
Ten minutes later and Daniel is already addicted to the two pence machines. He places a coin in the slot and watches on with childlike wonder as it falls. Letting out a small sigh of disappointment when nothing comes of it. His stash of coppers is beginning to become nonexistent but he's still so engrossed in the game that he doesn't notice when Charlie steps away.
If Daniel was disappointed when his efforts came to nothing, there's no word to describe how disappointed he is when he realises he's all out of coins. But Charlie is there, with a cup full of two pence coins that he quickly offers over.
Daniel's smile lights up the whole arcade.
"You're the best," he says, then taking another look at the cup, "wow, how much did you spend."
"A fiver," Charlie mumbles.
"Thank you."
Charlie would spend endless amounts of money to see Daniel smile. In a friendly way of course.
Thirty minutes later and Daniel has won back a grand total of about twenty coins, which have promptly re-entered the machine.
"I'll go buy some new coins," Charlie offers.
"Don't," Daniel tells him, "I'm not wasting all your money on an arcade machine."
"It's not a waste, you're having fun."
"I can have fun doing other things that don't require me spending your money, thank you though."
Charlie smiles, and he can see the gesture echoed on Daniel's face.
"Thank you," Daniel says again.
"What for?"
"Making this day great."
"No problem," Charlie stammers, seemingly embarrassed, "anytime."
The two boys are still stood in front of the machine, shoulders pressed together, gazes locked. Charlie is torn between wanting to look away and wanting to stare at Daniel and the lines of his face forever. He can feel himself leaning in subconsciously, is torn between pulling away and allowing the inevitable to happen.
He chickens out at the last minute.
"We better go," Charlie says, "there are plenty more things to do."
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Charlie Martin: I need to tell you something
Daniel Evans: Are you okay?
Charlie Martin: It's a secret, I've never told anyone.
Charlie Martin: Shit
Daniel Evans: Whatever it is I'm sure it's okay, I want to know if you want to tell me
Charlie Martin: I can't do this
Daniel Evans: Just take your time
Charlie Martin: I think I might like guys
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They're at Daniel's house again. A plate of biscuits between them as they both lay on Daniel's bed.
"Careful," Daniel says as Charlie picks up another, "else you'll get crumbs all over the bed."
"You say that as if I'm a messy eater."
"That's because you are."
Neither of them is mentioning what Charlie said last night and Charlie is weirdly thankful. Of course Daniel doesn't plan on ignoring it forever, he's just waiting for the right moment to bring it up, is kind of hoping that Charlie will be the one to mention it first.
He's willing to wait.
"So..." Charlie says.
"So..."
"About what I said last night."
"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."
Daniel really hopes that Charlie wants to. Mainly because Daniel is hoping that maybe this could be the start of everything changing, he loves being Charlie's friend, of course he does, but that doesn't stop him from hoping that maybe things could change and they could be something more than friends. Daniel's not going to push anything onto him, but he's holding onto the hope.
"I kind of want to, I just don't know what to say."
"Well how long have you thought that y'know?"
Daniel isn't sure why he can't say it outright, can't ask how long Charlie has thought he might be gay. He supposes it's because he's worried that it might scare Charlie away.
"I don't know, a while I guess, been thinking about it definitely for a year."
"A year?" Daniel can't contain his surprise.
"Yeah, there was a thing at a party," Charlie says, careful not to mention any names, "but I just, I guess I'm kind of hoping I'm wrong."
"How come?"
Charlie knows that he's never going to tell Daniel about his Dad, is worried that Daniel will judge him for his Dad's opinions. And so he keeps quiet for a while, ponders over his response.
"I don't know."
They both leave it at that.
"Any way I can help you be more certain?"
"You could kiss me," Charlie says lightly, half joking, "if I'm absolutely repulsed by it I guess I'm straight."
"Either that or you're really not attracted to me."
"How could anyone not be attracted to you?"
"Based on that I don't think I'm unsure about your sexuality," Daniel says teasingly.
"Shut up."
"Make me."
The kiss is quick, but Daniel can still feel Charlie's lips pressed against his long after the other boy has pulled away. It's not particularly memorable, lasting no longer than a few seconds, but it means a lot, it means Charlie cares, that maybe Daniel's hope isn't exactly hopeless.
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Charlie Martin: Thanks for being cool about everything today
Daniel Evans: Charlie I'M gay, it would be weird for me to have a problem with it
Daniel Evans: But thanks for trusting me
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Charlie can feel the anger as soon as he steps through the door.
His Dad is stood in the kitchen, leaning against the counter. Charlie would love to just walk past him and go straight to his room but he knows that's not an option. His Dad's glare is razor sharp.
He pauses and his Dad says nothing. Anger radiates off of him and Charlie isn't sure what he's done but it can't be good.
"Who's Daniel Evans?"
Charlie feels the floor drop out from underneath him. He's tried so hard to keep Daniel and his Dad separate, to stop his Dad from finding out but somehow his Dad has found out and Charlie has no idea what the consequences may be.
"How did you find out?" Charlie manages to choke out.
"Somebody mentions that they saw the two of you hanging out, when you told me you were staying at school for a revision session," Charlie keeps silent as he knows lying is only going to make things worse at this point, "I wondered why you hadn't mentioned him so I did some research, he's gay Charlie."
The disgust is clear in Charlie's dad's voice when he says that word, he spits it out like it's poison.
"I know," Charlie admits.
"So I wondered what the two of you were talking about, I checked your messages Charlie."
Charlie is pretty sure he can't breathe, because if his Dad has seen the messages then that means he must know. He knows that Charlie is gay and Charlie is fucking petrified, his Dad has said before exactly what the consequences would be if Charlie was 'one of them'.
"You're gay," it's not a question it's a statement.
Charlie can feel the lump in his throat build.
"It was a joke," he says on the spot.
He can see the rage in his Dad's eyes and he's desperate to do anything to get himself out of this situation.
"A joke?" His dad repeats, his tone disbelieving.
"You always said we should teach them a lesson," Charlie continues, he doesn't know exactly where he's going with this but he carries on talking, "it's a prank, if he thinks I'm gay then he'll trust me."
"And then what are you planning on doing?"
"I'll," Charlie grasps at any idea that comes to him, anything that his Dad will approve of, "I'll embarrass him in front of the whole school, make sure everyone knows how people like him deserve to be treated."
Words have never tasted so bitter to Charlie, have never burned his mouth like this. And the lies hurt, but his Dad never has to know whether Charlie goes through with this.
"I'll stop talking to him though," Charlie says.
"No," his Dad says to Charlie's surprise, "do it tomorrow. Show him what he deserves, film it, make me proud."
The room is spinning and Charlie isn't sure how on earth he can back out of this now. He's dug himself a hole and it just seems to be getting deeper.
"Dad, I, Dad."
"Unless you're lying to me?"
Charlie stays silent and his father delivers a blow to his stomach, one that is sure to bruise tomorrow.
"There's more where that came from," his Dad promises, "unless you do me proud. Do the right thing Charlie."
Charlie knows he could back out, but the look in his Dad's eye promises more than just the usual single punch. It promises pain, and Charlie is terrified of his Dad in that moment, realises that he's not really sure what his own Dad is capable of. But there's a look in his eye that promises pain, Charlie knows he has to go through with this.
--------------------------------------------------
Daniel Evans: Hey!
Daniel Evans: You there?
Daniel Evans: Charlie I know you've seen my messages, there's a little tick, stop ignoring me dickface :p
Charlie Martin: Sorry busy
Daniel Evans: You okay?
Charlie Martin: Fine
Daniel Evans: Good :) cause I need to ask you something tomorrow
--------------------------------------------------
Charlie thinks he may be about to throw up.
Daniel is waiting for him when he arrives at school and he has to physically swallow the scream that feels like it's rising up inside of him. He can feel panic bubbling up and just wants to turn around and run away. But all he can think of is his father's promise and the bruise on his stomach and the fear he felt as he slept last night.
Daniel doesn't deserve this, but Charlie is too terrified to do anything else.
And so Charlie tries to avoid talking to Daniel as much as he can, claims he needs to talk to a teacher during form time and break. Does as much as he can so that he can prevent having to fuck Daniel over.
Charlie hates himself already.
When lunchtime comes around Charlie can't prevent the inevitable any longer.
"I really need to tell you something," Daniel says his tone insistent.
"Uhm sure," Charlie replies, "let's go somewhere else."
They're in the middle of the canteen send Charlie knows he promised his Dad a show but he really doesn't think he can go through with this in front of everyone.
"No," Daniel tells him, "I want everyone to hear me."
"Okay then."
Charlie can feel his heart racing and his blood rushing and he feels like he's on the verge of breaking down into tears or passing out. He opens up the camera on his phone and presses record. Feels the self hatred coat his skin like a second layer.
"So you know what you told me the other night," Daniel says, Charlie nods and can feel the panic rising higher, "well it got me thinking."
Daniel looks at Charlie waiting for some kind of response.
"Okay."
"And I really love being your friend, but I'd kind of like to be more than that. I'd kind of like to I don't know, date you or something."
Charlie remains silent and he feels like everyone's eyes are on him. All of his friends are probably wondering what the hell is wrong with him, probably think he's some kind of freak for being gay.
The worst thing is that Charlie wants to say okay, wants to date Daniel and kiss him. He wants the two of them to go on dates at Emma's, and to the beach and for their first anniversary he wants them to book a table at the fanciest restaurant and order food that they can barely afford. He wants them to consult about which universities are closest and what they want to do with their lives. He kind of wants to plan a future with Daniel, but the present just isn't allowing for that.
Charlie doesn't know what to say and so he settles for a laugh. Tries not to look at Daniel's face as he does so, tries not to focus on the hurt.
"I'm not gay," Charlie chokes out.
Instead of looking at Daniel's face he focuses on a spot on the wall just above him. He doesn't want to have to look into his eyes whilst he says this.
"It was a joke," Charlie says quietly.
"Sorry what."
"It was a joke," his voice is a little louder this time, "an experiment I guess, just wanted to see if I could make you fall for me, I guess it worked."
"What?" Charlie can almost hear Daniel's heart breaking when he speaks.
And Charlie can feel his own heart splintering into pieces, can feel himself giving up on any chance he thought he had at a happy ending. Because someone who does this does not deserve their own knight in shining armour, they deserve to be as unhappy as they made other people.
"I don't like you, especially not in that way, I just wanted to see how desperate you were."
Daniel looks as if he might say something but Charlie cuts him off.
"Of course I'm not gay, it's wrong for anybody to be, you're fucking stupid to think I ever could be."
"I trusted you."
"Well that's your mistake."
"I don't believe you."
Shards of Charlie's heart are digging into him so that his whole body feels as if it's on fire. And he knows he's going to have to meet Daniel's eye, needs to make Daniel believe him. Because it's not just himself that Charlie is worried for, he knows what when his Dad is done with him he won't stop there, if Charlie makes Daniel's life miserable now he'll save him the pain later. And although Charlie doesn't want to be the one to break Daniel like this, he'd rather Daniel hated him than his Dad went anywhere near him.
"I don't fucking like you," Charlie says, he holds Daniel's gaze as he spits out every word, "can you get that through your thick skull. This was a joke, I could never like a guy like you. I could never like a guy full stop, I'm not a pussy."
"This isn't you, you don't sound like yourself."
"You don't fucking know me."
"Clearly," Daniel says bitterly.
Charlie hopes his Dad is happy now because he is in tatters.
--------------------------------------------------
Daniel Evans: I can't believe you'd do something like this
Daniel Evans: WHAT THE HELL CHARLIE
Daniel Evans: SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL
Daniel Evans: Please tell me this was a joke
--------------------------------------------------
His father's waiting for him when he gets back home. And Charlie knows that he still can't cry, not until he's in the dark and the safety of his bedroom, not until he's sure his father is asleep.
"Did you do it?" His father looks up when Charlie enters and questions straight away.
"Yeah."
Charlie tries to keep the disgust out of his voice. Disgust towards himself and his father and this awful damn situation.
This doesn't feel like self hatred that's burning towards him, it's more like a loathing, and he's short of breath like even his heart and lungs are turning against him, don't think he deserves to live anymore.
"Did everyone laugh?"
"Yeah."
That's almost the worst part, that other people laughed but it brings a cruel smile to his father's face.
"You did a good job son," Peter Martin tells Charlie, "I'm proud of you."
Charlie can feel the bile rise in his throat.
"Boys like that," his father continues, "you've got to teach them a lesson, you've got to help them learn what they're doing is wrong."
Hot tears are building behind his eyelids but Charlie can't let his Dad know the truth, doesn't even want to think about the consequences if he does so. So he digs his nails into his palms and wills himself to be strong and brave and the son his father clearly wants him to be, not some freak who likes boys, whose heart gets him into more trouble than his head can handle.
"Yeah," Charlie agrees, trying not to let the lie show.
"So you taught him a lesson, but I suppose I need to teach you a lesson."
"You do?"
Charlie. Can't. Breathe.
This should not be happening, this can't be happening. He went along with everything his father said so he didn't have to do this. But his father is staring at him with a cruel smile and Charlie knows it's no use. Deep down his Father knows, and he's not going to let Charlie get away with it.
"Yes son, you know I don't want to."
"What have I done?"
"You said things to him Charlie, things I want no son of mine saying."
"Please," Charlie begs, "please don't do this."
"Charlie you need to learn."
"I know, I have learnt, I'm sorry."
But Charlie's words are not enough to sway Peter Martin. And as Charlie continues to whimper and plead his father comes closer. Charlie swears his father must be a giant, either that or Charlie is shrinking so that his head barely comes up to the top of the coffee table. The room seems so big and Charlie seems so small and yet there seems to be no way to get away. There's nothing Charlie can do and he knows it.
Peter Martin's fist connects with Charlie's face in a flash. He doesn't bother holding back, no lesson is ever learnt properly by teaching it in moderation. And Charlie has grown accustomed to tuning out his Father's fits of anger, of letting the punches hit him without feeling the pain until later when his father's not there to watch him hurt. When he can tend to his emotional and physical scars without his father there to be disappointed in him for being so weak.
But this time the punches hurt. Perhaps it's because Charlie's let his guard down. Perhaps it's because he thinks he deserves every punch he's getting.
His father's hand meets his cheek with a sickening crunch. And Charlie nearly falls to the floor, he manages to keep himself upright though as he knows showing any amount of weakness will only make the situation worse, will give his father more ammunition.
Peter Martin's fists are his go to resource. A way to end fights, a way to teach a lesson, a way to protect. And right now they're connecting with Charlie's body time and time again. Charlie doesn't even bother trying to fight back, knows there's no use. He's not strong enough.
And he deserves it anyway.
With each punch Charlie thinks of Daniel's face when Charlie made the announcement it was all a joke. Things of how Charlie is pretty sure he witnessed an actual heartbreak, viewed a boy losing all the faith he had left in humanity.
And it's all Charlie's fault.
Charlie can't keep himself up any longer and he falls to the floor. Limbs sprawling everywhere.
"Get up!" His Father shouts. "Get up! Get up! Get up!"
He punctuates every single word with a kick to Charlie's stomach, his voice growing louder. But Charlie can't get up, he's given up.
"You're weak," his father spits, "you're no son of mine. No son I could be proud of. Now get up."
His father continues with his actions but Charlie is focusing on the pain. With every kick and punch he's thinking of Daniel.
Daniel would get up. Although Daniel probably wouldn't have got himself in this situation to begin with. Daniel wouldn't deserve to be taught a lesson.
But then again Daniel didn't deserve for Charlie to embarrass him in front of everyone. Didn't deserve for Charlie to lie because he all he is is a coward who is afraid of his father's anger.
Daniel deserves someone so much better than Charlie.
Charlie doesn't deserve the world, or whatever little section of it he's got. Charlie thinks he deserves pain and heartbreak and everything bad.
He hopes Daniel meets someone who can give him everything Charlie never could. And Charlie hopes that he himself falls in love again like he did with Daniel, and that that person destroys him, takes every single piece of his heart and shatters it.
It's what he deserves.
"Get up!" His dad is still shouting, but Charlie feels like his voice is fading. "Take it like a man."
Charlie can feel his eyes drooping shut as his father delivers another blow to his head. Maybe Charlie can just go to sleep and everything will be okay. Maybe Charlie can just go to sleep forever and everyone else will be better off.
He's definitely losing consciousness though. Charlie knows he should probably be concerned. Should probably think about the fact that he's pretty sure his Father has delivered more punches tonight than he ever has before.
But he can't.
All Charlie can think about is the fact that he's never going to be able to tell Daniel how fucking sorry he is.
--------------------------------------------------
Daniel Evans: I mean I get you're not interested but seriously a video, pictures?
Daniel Evans: What the fuck
Daniel Evans: I thought you were fucking different Charlie
Daniel Evans: I fucking hate you
Daniel Evans: I hope you get what you deserve
AT AGE SIXTEEN Daniel Evans is out and proud. He spends his days rolling his eyes at those who can't understand that guys can likes guys too. Spends his nights trying not to think about all the little comments from his peers about how he's never going to be happy.
It's October, two years ago. The little cupcake shop on Main Street.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Charlie is pretty sure he has an addiction to cupcakes. After all he's been waiting in line for fifteen minutes so far and he still thinks it's worth it. It's also Wednesday and he's already been here five times this week, although that could be something to do with the cute boy from school who is always sat in the corner. The cupcakes are good, but the eye candy's even better.
Not that Charlie will ever make a move.
When the boy looks up, sweeping a strand of candyfloss pink hair out of his eyes, Charlie quickly looks away. He really does not want to be caught staring, Finn didn't seem to mind it but that doesn't mean this boy won't.
The other boy is standing up now, gathering his stuff and Charlie can't help but curse himself because it's probably his fault, he's probably scared the boy away.
Charlie knows he's being an idiot, knows that he should just say something to the boy, or at very least smile at him. But instead he dwells in thoughts of saying hello to him, of allowing himself the pleasure of running his hands through his hair.
No. Charlie shouldn't be having these thoughts. They're wrong. But they swirl around in his mind none the less.
Pulling out his phone Charlie opens up facebook, searching through his friends list until he finds a familiar face. His finger hovering over the message button, his thoughts tempting him with the prospect of what might happen if he says... something, anything really.
He stuffs his phone back in his pocket.
Daniel Evans. Charlie savours the name on his lips. He recognises it slightly, he's pretty sure Daniel is in some of his classes but he can't say he knows him personally. He's definitely cute though. Definitely someone Charlie wouldn't mind talking to, not that he'll ever work up the courage to do that though.
"What can I get you?"
Charlie's reached the front of the queue without realising it.
"A banoffee muffin," Charlie says, "toffee butter icing."
The cashier simply nods and quickly hands over the cupcake in a brown paper bag, Charlie quickly giving him the money.
Charlie glances at his watch, it's only four but he knows his Dad will be expecting him home soon and so he better hurry up unless he wants to start an interrogation. Charlie wouldn't describe his father as protective, more paranoid, determined not to let his son get into trouble of any kind. In the Martin household if you're home late it's because you're up to no good, when Matthew used to come late his Dad used to be convinced that it was because he'd been doing something with Finn, when Charlie comes home late he must have just been something with some boy.
But there's no harm in Charlie typing out a message, right? Just something to let Daniel know that he's noticed him. That would just be a friendly gesture. Right?
--------------------------------------------------
Charlie Martin: I like your hair, pink suits you :)
Daniel Evans: Thanks ahaha, I wasn't sure about the pink at first but it's growing on me (technically literally as it is hair)
Charlie Martin: That is how hair works I suppose. But no the pink is definitely a good choice :) I like it
Daniel Evans: You suppose? Don't tell me you're balding? And of course I make my hair decisions based entirely on what you like :p
Charlie Martin: No, no, that's not what I meant
Daniel Evans: That you're balding or that I make my hair decisions based on what you like?
Charlie Martin: Both.
Daniel Evans: I know that, I was joking don't worry
Charlie Martin: Good :) just didn't want to think I had fucked things up already
Daniel Evans: Things?
Charlie Martin: Things :)
--------------------------------------------------
Somehow Charlie has reached his front door without realising it and he quickly shoves his phone into his pocket, the last thing he wants it his Dad asking questions. I mean it's harmless, the two of them are just talking, have barely even exchanged a handful of messages but he knows that his Dad will blow the entire situation entirely out of proportion. So it's better that Charlie just hides his phone, that way he avoids the questions and the accusations and the lying.
"That you Charlie?"
Charlie can't imagine who on earth else his Dad is expecting to enter the house unannounced. Perhaps a few months back it might have been Matthew, but Matthew's at university and it's just Charlie and his Dad in the house. Something he's learning isn't always necessarily a good thing.
"Yeah it's me," Charlie calls back.
"Good day at school?"
The loud thump as Charlie throws his school bag down on the table seems to answer his Dad's question for him as he lets out a chuckle.
"I'm sure it wasn't that bad."
"Whatever," Charlie sighs.
"Turning into a proper teenager aren't you," Charlie's dad jokes, "just as long as you keep on respecting your elders."
Charlie nods absentmindedly, his thoughts not entirely concentrated on what his Dad is saying. He's too busy thinking about his phone which feels like it's burning a hole in his pocket, he wants desperately to see if Daniel has replied to carry on the conversation but he can't just walk away from the his Dad, can't let him get suspicious.
"Am I boring you?"
His dad can clearly sense that he's distracted as he questions Charlie, his tone caught halfway between teasing and serious.
"No, I just have some work to do, kind of stressed out about it."
"Fair enough," his Dad replies, all anger leaking out of his tone, "you can go do it if you want, I know school is important to you."
"Thank you."
Charlie runs up the stairs to his room, feet thundering against the wooden floor. He's not sure why he's so desperate to talk to Daniel or why it's so nice. Charlie supposes it's because it feels like a new beginning, a new start to something that could work out differently to how it has before. It felt similar with Finn, like a single boy might change everything, but this is slightly different, somehow feels safer and more dangerous all at once.
--------------------------------------------------
Daniel Evans: Well things definitely sounds interesting, I guess I'll have to stick around
Charlie Martin: Good :)
Daniel Evans: You know I didn't think you even knew I existed
Charlie Martin: You're in some of my classes right? And I always see you chilling at the cupcake shop on main street
Daniel Evans: YOU GO TO EMMAS?!?!?!
Daniel Evans: That place is my life and soul
Charlie Martin: Guess I know where I should invite you to hang out tomorrow
Daniel Evans: You wanna hang out?
Charlie Martin: Sure I do, why wouldn't I?
--------------------------------------------------
Charlie can barely contain his nerves as he waits in the corner booth of 'Emma's Cupcake Shop' the next day. He can feel the excitement and worry pulsing through him as if it's a chemical in his bloodstream. His hands are shaking and his heart is racing and he knows, just knows, that he's going to say something irreparably stupid.
"Hey."
Charlie didn't even notice Daniel walk in which probably demonstrates how much he's panicking.
"Hey," his voice is quiet and he can't seem to increase the volume no matter how much he tries, "I didn't see you come in."
"It's cause I'm a ninja," Daniel says, shuffling from one foot to another, "the point is you're not supposed to hear me creep up on you."
"So you were creeping?"
"Depends."
"On?"
"Whether me admitting I was will result in the cupcake eating not going ahead."
"I don't think I can deprive you of cupcakes for anything," Charlie says teasingly, "I mean you went on for about an hour last night about how much you loved them."
"It was like five minutes!" Daniel says in his defence. "But what about if I murdered a man, would I get cupcakes then?"
"I mean you'd have to ask me nicely but sure."
"What if I'd murdered you for the cupcakes?"
"Then there's not really anything I can do to stop you from eating the cupcakes."
"But to reply to your question, I wasn't creeping," Daniel tells Charlie, "I was just checking that you didn't look like you were about to kill me or something."
"Or something?"
"I don't know, pull out a video camera and reveal you talking to me was all some big prank," Daniel jokes.
"Why would it be a joke?"
"Cause everyone thinks I'm a loser."
"I don't think you're a loser," Charlie says.
"Thanks."
"And you really think I'm cruel enough to do something like that?"
"I don't know you," Daniel points out.
"Well then we better get to changing that."
Twenty minutes later and Charlie's nerves have calmed. He's still panicking slightly, still worried he's going to say something wrong. But his posture has eased, he's started to lean back and act as if he actually wants to be there. There's still a slight shake to his voice, one he's desperately trying to hide but he's pretty sure Daniel has noticed.
But conversation is flowing nicely, mainly because Daniel is insistent on trying to get to know Charlie better. Seems to want to know his favourite everything, colour, animal, food, band, book, everything.
"You act like you don't get asked questions a lot," Daniel says.
"What do you mean?"
"You just seem flustered," Daniel tells Charlie with a small laugh.
Charlie shrugs slightly.
"I mean I guess I don't. Is that weird or something?"
"No... just... I don't know, it's kind of weird that you have no idea how to answer a simple question," Daniel says teasingly.
"Well maybe I should be asking the questions then."
"Aw, are you embarrassed you don't know how to engage in normal conversation?"
Daniel's tone is light and joking, and Charlie can't help the small smile that slips onto his face.
"Shut up," he tells Daniel, but from the smile on his face it's easy to tell he's not serious.
"Make me," Daniel replies.
Charlie's cheeks flush but he decides to try to avoid any innuendoes that can follow that suggestion.
"I suppose tape might work," Charlie suggests, a smirk beginning to grow on his face.
"Wow," Daniel says, "now I'm hurt. Am I really that annoying?"
Charlie pauses as if he's considering the question.
"Yep. You really are."
"It's a wonder you're still hanging out with me then."
"I guess I've just got a thing for annoying guys," a brief pause, "not like that. I don't mean..."
"Whatever Charlie," Daniel says with a roll of his eyes, "I know."
--------------------------------------------------
Daniel Evans: I had a really good time today
Charlie Martin: Good :)
Charlie Martin: Me too
Daniel Evans: Good
Charlie Martin: Guess we'll have to do it again sometime :)
Daniel Evans: Sounds like a plan
--------------------------------------------------
The next day at school is strange. Charlie finds that he keeps on noticing Daniel when he never really has before. Before Daniel has been the boy from the cupcake shop, perhaps occasionally has been a face Charlie has noticed on the corridor. But now he's seemingly everywhere, Charlie can't stop noticing him. He's getting off the bus when Charlie is waiting for Oliver to arrive, he's stood a few places behind him in the queue at break and it turns out he's in Charlie's PE class although it's not surprising Charlie hasn't noticed him, Daniel, it turns out, likes to stick to the sidelines during games.
"Hey," they're on the way back to the changing rooms when Charlie finally manages to work up the courage to talk to Daniel again, as if somehow overnight Daniel is going to decide he hates him, "you have any plans for lunch?"
It's perhaps a weird way to phrase the question, it's not like the school offers a wide variety of activities to do at lunch, it's not even like they're allowed to leave the school site. So Charlie isn't really asking if Daniel has any plans, he's asking who he's sitting with.
"Not really," Daniel rubs the back of his neck as if he's embarrassed by that fact.
"You wanna sit with me?"
"And your friends?"
"Well yeah."
"Are you sure that'll be okay with them?"
"It'll be fine," Charlie assures Daniel, "why wouldn't it be?"
"I don't know," Daniel trails off as he puzzles over his words, "your friends are pretty cool."
"So?"
"So they might not wanna sit with me."
"Don't be an idiot," Charlie says teasingly, "they're not dickheads, at least not completely."
Daniel replies with a weak smile.
"Sure then," he tells Charlie, "I'd like that."
The two of them head into the changing rooms then and Charlie takes a deep breath. If there's anything he hates about school it's getting changed after class. He always panics that his gaze is going to linger a little too long and that someone will call him out of it. He knows it's stupid and wrong and he doesn't know why he does it but for some reason his gaze always seems to catch.
He keeps his eyes averted downwards as he changes and leaves the changing room as quickly as he possibly can, waiting out in the corridor for Daniel to finish getting changed.
"You sure this is okay?" Daniel asks once again when he steps out onto the corridor.
"Like I said it's fine. Stop being a loser."
Charlie jokingly pushes Daniel to the side and then instantly regrets his decision. Charlie isn't sure why but he wants everything between Daniel and him to be perfect, would just like, for once, for nothing to go wrong. For Daniel to like him.
Charlie is slightly concerned about how he wants like to be defined. He's trying to convince himself that it means friendship, deep down he's not so sure.
"Charlie!"
Oliver's voice is clear from down the corridor and Charlie heads in that general direction, looking over his shoulder to ensure Daniel is following close behind him. He offers the other boy a supportive smile, can tell that Daniel is strangely nervous.
"I don't want to intrude," Daniel says.
"Daniel you're sitting with me at lunch."
"What if I don't want to?"
"Well... well," Charlie stutters slightly, "I mean I guess you don't have to then. I just mean, y'know, if you're nervous because of my friends don't be."
"I know Charlie," Daniel laughs slightly, "I was joking, I wanna sit with you I just don't want it to be awkward if your friends hate me."
"My friends don't hate you."
"You sure?"
"Certain. And if they do then I'm sure we can change their mind," Charlie says teasingly.
They've reached Oliver now who simply gives Daniel a slightly questioning look before shrugging and walking into the canteen. It's as simple as that, and Charlie can tell that Daniel is surprised. Charlie knows why of course, knows that Daniel hasn't exactly had the easiest time fitting in, being one of the only out and proud individuals in the school can take its toll on someone, especially when half the population seems to act like his dad – although perhaps to a lesser extent. Unlike his Dad there's been very little anger or fighting, more like a silent hostility, little actions that make Daniel feel like he's not wanted.
Charlie's friends aren't like that though. In fact Charlie knows Daniel is only scared of sitting with them because all eyes will be on him. Charlie's never exactly been comfortable with the premise of popularity and what it stands for, but he can't deny that he has a lot of friends, that people weirdly seem to look up to him. He knows that some of it is the effect of having Matthew as an older brother, knows that Finn and he created some kind of golden reputation whilst they were here that seems to have rubbed off on him.
But his friends are all nice. They're just normal people who seem to have gotten lucky with their place in the high school food chain.
"Hey," Charlie says as he sits down.
There are some noises of acknowledgement but that's about it, conversations carry on and Charlie is glad. Maybe that'll scare Daniel less.
He gestures for the other boy to sit next to him and Oliver takes the seat on his other side.
Charlie can tell Daniel is on edge but he offers him a friendly smile, one that takes over his features entirely and luckily Daniel is at least slightly socially adept and takes the opportunity to make conversation with Owen who is sat on his other side.
And he fits in so well that Charlie almost can't believe it. Of course he knew that he and Daniel had bands in common, but he didn't realise that Owen and Daniel regularly play together on Call of Duty or that Daniel and Jesse have known each other since they had piano lessons together then they were like five. It's weird to Charlie that Daniel and his friends can be a part of each other's lives.
It's quite nice though. Having Daniel there. And Charlie feels their knees brush against each other under the table, and he feels his heart race in that stupid way he's trying to ignore and he smiles. Because he's happy.
Really happy.
--------------------------------------------------
Daniel Evans: You know your friends aren't complete dicks ;p
Charlie Martin: Really? I hadn't realised ;p
Daniel Evans: Yeah, I guess I can see why you're friends with them now
Charlie Martin: Good :)
Charlie Martin: That just means you'll have to sit with me again
Daniel Evans: Really?
Charlie Martin: Of course :)
Daniel Evans: Thanks Charlie
Charlie Martin: What for?
Daniel Evans: I'm glad that we're friends
Charlie Martin: Me too :)
--------------------------------------------------
It's a month later when Charlie finds that it's becoming more difficult to stop Daniel asking questions about why Charlie never invites him round.
They're over at Daniel's house, as they are regularly after school. But Daniel is yet to go to Charlie's house, and Charlie isn't entirely sure how to explain the situation. Doesn't know how to explain that Daniel's sexuality is enough for Charlie's dad to not allow him into the house. That Charlie doesn't want his dad to know he's friends with Daniel in case he tries to stop their friendship. Charlie values Daniel's friendship far too much to risk his Dad. Charlie knows what Matt went through trying to convince his Dad that he should be allowed to be friends with Finn.
It's much easier for Charlie to keep Daniel secret.
"But why can't I come round?"
"My dad's not great at letting me have people over," Charlie says, it's somewhat truthful after all, "it's more effort than it's worth."
"Do you not want me to go round?"
"It's not that, I love spending time with you, you know that. It's just easier for us to spend time in other places."
"Your dad sounds like a dick."
Charlie is caught between defending his dad and agreeing. He settles for a sigh.
"Maybe one day."
"I'll hold you to that," Daniel says teasingly.
Charlie offers him a smile. Daniel appears to be the only person since Finn who could draw a genuine smile out of him.
"Go for it."
--------------------------------------------------
Daniel Evans: One day right? I can come over to yours
Charlie Martin: Maybe :)
Daniel Evans: I just don't see why it's such a problem...
Charlie Martin: It's not that important Dan. My dad just doesn't like people coming round, so I guess we'll just have to spend time together somewhere else :)
Daniel Evans: So how come Oliver's allowed round?
Charlie Martin: That's different :/
Daniel Evans: How so?
Charlie Martin: It's complicated.
--------------------------------------------------
It's perhaps slightly worrying how comfortable Charlie is becoming at Daniel's house. Worrying how in such a short space of time Charlie can find himself so at home, both in a place and with a person.
They've only been sat in Daniel's room for around ten minutes but Charlie is already sprawled across Daniel's bed, holding a cookie in his hand that Daniel's mum offered him.
He's buzzing with the kind of contentment that rarely comes along. The two of them are sat in lazy silence, the quiet hum of the radio offering some background noise. But other than that neither of them are speaking, they're happily in a comfortable lull, happy to just lie next to each other lost in their own thoughts.
"Hey Dan," Charlie suddenly says, "how come I've never met your brother?"
"I could ask you the same thing about your Dad?"
"I know," Charlie replies apologetically, "but I'm always round at yours, and he never really seems to be home."
"It's probably better that way."
"What do you mean?"
"It's not important Charlie," Daniel tells him.
"It's important to me."
"Well it shouldn't be," Daniel snaps, then, realising his tone is harsh, "sorry, it's just not something worth talking about, and I don't like talking about it."
"Fine," Charlie pauses, "but if you ever do want to talk about it then hit me up."
"Hit me up?"
"It was the first thing that came to mind, shut up."
"Make me," Daniel says quirking his eyebrows upwards suggestively.
Charlie pauses, unsure of how to reply. It's not often that the two of them get caught up in moments like these but they happen occasionally. When their bodies are pressed so close together and it would just be so damn easy for the two of them to lean in and allow their lips to brush. But Charlie always denies himself the privilege. Always makes up excuses for himself that even his own brain doesn't believe.
Their bodies are barely an inch away from each other right now, Charlie can feel Daniel's breath light against his skin, blowing wisps of his hair back. And it would be so easy for Charlie to kiss him.
But he doesn't.
Instead he remains quiet, simply offers Daniel a smile which can be interpreted whichever which way the other boy chooses to do so and turns his attention to the duvet beneath him, fiddling with the edge of it.
"Hey Charlie, tell me about your Dad."
"There's not a right lot to tell."
"Is he nice?" Daniel asks.
Charlie pauses.
"Of course he is," Charlie replies, "he's my dad."
"Just because he's your dad doesn't make him a nice person. Sometimes your family members can be the cruellest."
Charlie cocks his head as if he's waiting for Daniel to elaborate but when Daniel doesn't make any move to carry on talking Charlie sighs, puzzles over his words.
"He's a great person. Passionate, loyal, strong."
"He sounds like a great guy."
"He is."
Charlie can't tell if his words are true or not anymore. Can't tell how he really feels towards his Dad. Because sure there are moments when Charlie hates him, when Charlie wishes the solution to everything didn't include ugly bruises or first aid kits. But his dad takes care of him, and Charlie knows he only wants the best for him.
"Tell me about your brother," Charlie says.
It seems only fair that he should be allowed to ask after Daniel brought up his father, a topic which usually seems to be off limits for some reason.
"Tell me about your brother," Daniel counters.
"I asked first."
"There's not a right lot to tell," Daniel says, echoing Charlie.
"Fine, is he nice?"
Daniel ducks his head. Refuses to answer the question. And so Charlie repeats himself, still no answer.
"Is he nice?"
"He's my brother."
"That doesn't make him automatically nice remember," Charlie says lightly, "you told me that like five minutes ago."
"We don't always see eye to eye on things," Daniel admits.
"Things such as."
Daniel pauses, it's clear to Charlie that he's deliberating on how to reply. Charlie almost wishes he hadn't pushed him so far.
"My sexuality."
Charlie isn't sure how to reply to that at first so he stammers and stumbles over his words.
"I'm sorry Dan."
"Not your fault."
"When you say you don't see eye to eye?"
"Marcus takes any chance he can to try and convince me I'm not a real man," Daniel laughs but it's clearly forced and Charlie can feel his heart ache.
"Shit Dan I'm sorry."
"Not your fault," Daniel repeats.
"You shouldn't have to deal with it though."
"You get used to it."
Charlie is surprised by how much he identifies with that statement.
"You shouldn't have to."
"Easier said than done."
And that one too."
"I'm sorry," Charlie repeats once again.
He knows it's pointless, and he knows it's not going to help but right now it seems like it's all he can do.
--------------------------------------------------
Daniel Evans: It's okay anyway, he's just got into the army
Charlie Martin: I don't think your happiness should depend on whether your brother is currently living with you or not :/
Daniel Evans: And yet it does
--------------------------------------------------
They're both sat in the corner booth of 'Emma's Cupcake Shop' when Daniel looks up with a giant smile on his face.
"You know where we should go?"
"Where," Charlie sighs, accompanying the question with a roll of his eyes.
"The beach."
"Yesterday you told me that you don't 'do direct sunlight' Daniel."
"So?"
"The beach generally involves direct sunlight," Charlie points out.
"I'll find a way to make it work," Daniel says.
Charlie rolls his eyes but doesn't bother hiding the smile that spreads over his face.
"Fine then," he concedes, "we can go to the beach."
---
When the pair of them finally get to a beach a month or so later, Daniel is seemingly unimpressed.
"I don't know why," he says, "but I expected the sand and the sea to be a bit more exciting."
"Are you seriously accusing the seaside of not being exciting enough?"
"Well I just expected more y'know."
"More?"
"Some sunshine or something."
"Dan we live in the UK," Charlie points out, "sunshine is not something that occurs very often."
"I know, I guess I just hoped."
As if to make Daniel's disappointment worse, it begins to rain, a slow drizzle that clouds the skies and soaks through the clothes.
"Well today is going great," Daniel mutters.
Charlie can't find it within himself to disagree, the day seems bleak and not just because of the dreary weather. And Charlie knows Daniel has spent so long looking forward to today, had hoped that for once the UK could offer the kind of weather that a day at the beach really requires. It's one of Daniel's greatest features and worst traits, he hopes no matter how bad the odds.
"The weather's not the end of the world," Charlie replies.
"Really? You wanna go in the sea when it's raining?"
"Well we'll be soaked whichever way."
Daniel scoffs, unable to hide his disappointment.
"But that's not what I meant," Charlie continues, "why does this mean so much to you anyway?"
Daniel looks down, his cheeks heat ever so slightly.
"It doesn't."
"It must mean something to you, I've never seen anyone so disappointed by the arrival of rain."
"I've never been to the seaside before," Daniel mutters.
"Oh. Well you know the beach isn't the only thing the seaside has to offer right?"
Daniel perks up slightly, now interested in what Charlie has to say.
"What else does it have?"
"You ever been to an arcade?"
Ten minutes later and Daniel is already addicted to the two pence machines. He places a coin in the slot and watches on with childlike wonder as it falls. Letting out a small sigh of disappointment when nothing comes of it. His stash of coppers is beginning to become nonexistent but he's still so engrossed in the game that he doesn't notice when Charlie steps away.
If Daniel was disappointed when his efforts came to nothing, there's no word to describe how disappointed he is when he realises he's all out of coins. But Charlie is there, with a cup full of two pence coins that he quickly offers over.
Daniel's smile lights up the whole arcade.
"You're the best," he says, then taking another look at the cup, "wow, how much did you spend."
"A fiver," Charlie mumbles.
"Thank you."
Charlie would spend endless amounts of money to see Daniel smile. In a friendly way of course.
Thirty minutes later and Daniel has won back a grand total of about twenty coins, which have promptly re-entered the machine.
"I'll go buy some new coins," Charlie offers.
"Don't," Daniel tells him, "I'm not wasting all your money on an arcade machine."
"It's not a waste, you're having fun."
"I can have fun doing other things that don't require me spending your money, thank you though."
Charlie smiles, and he can see the gesture echoed on Daniel's face.
"Thank you," Daniel says again.
"What for?"
"Making this day great."
"No problem," Charlie stammers, seemingly embarrassed, "anytime."
The two boys are still stood in front of the machine, shoulders pressed together, gazes locked. Charlie is torn between wanting to look away and wanting to stare at Daniel and the lines of his face forever. He can feel himself leaning in subconsciously, is torn between pulling away and allowing the inevitable to happen.
He chickens out at the last minute.
"We better go," Charlie says, "there are plenty more things to do."
--------------------------------------------------
Charlie Martin: I need to tell you something
Daniel Evans: Are you okay?
Charlie Martin: It's a secret, I've never told anyone.
Charlie Martin: Shit
Daniel Evans: Whatever it is I'm sure it's okay, I want to know if you want to tell me
Charlie Martin: I can't do this
Daniel Evans: Just take your time
Charlie Martin: I think I might like guys
--------------------------------------------------
They're at Daniel's house again. A plate of biscuits between them as they both lay on Daniel's bed.
"Careful," Daniel says as Charlie picks up another, "else you'll get crumbs all over the bed."
"You say that as if I'm a messy eater."
"That's because you are."
Neither of them is mentioning what Charlie said last night and Charlie is weirdly thankful. Of course Daniel doesn't plan on ignoring it forever, he's just waiting for the right moment to bring it up, is kind of hoping that Charlie will be the one to mention it first.
He's willing to wait.
"So..." Charlie says.
"So..."
"About what I said last night."
"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."
Daniel really hopes that Charlie wants to. Mainly because Daniel is hoping that maybe this could be the start of everything changing, he loves being Charlie's friend, of course he does, but that doesn't stop him from hoping that maybe things could change and they could be something more than friends. Daniel's not going to push anything onto him, but he's holding onto the hope.
"I kind of want to, I just don't know what to say."
"Well how long have you thought that y'know?"
Daniel isn't sure why he can't say it outright, can't ask how long Charlie has thought he might be gay. He supposes it's because he's worried that it might scare Charlie away.
"I don't know, a while I guess, been thinking about it definitely for a year."
"A year?" Daniel can't contain his surprise.
"Yeah, there was a thing at a party," Charlie says, careful not to mention any names, "but I just, I guess I'm kind of hoping I'm wrong."
"How come?"
Charlie knows that he's never going to tell Daniel about his Dad, is worried that Daniel will judge him for his Dad's opinions. And so he keeps quiet for a while, ponders over his response.
"I don't know."
They both leave it at that.
"Any way I can help you be more certain?"
"You could kiss me," Charlie says lightly, half joking, "if I'm absolutely repulsed by it I guess I'm straight."
"Either that or you're really not attracted to me."
"How could anyone not be attracted to you?"
"Based on that I don't think I'm unsure about your sexuality," Daniel says teasingly.
"Shut up."
"Make me."
The kiss is quick, but Daniel can still feel Charlie's lips pressed against his long after the other boy has pulled away. It's not particularly memorable, lasting no longer than a few seconds, but it means a lot, it means Charlie cares, that maybe Daniel's hope isn't exactly hopeless.
--------------------------------------------------
Charlie Martin: Thanks for being cool about everything today
Daniel Evans: Charlie I'M gay, it would be weird for me to have a problem with it
Daniel Evans: But thanks for trusting me
--------------------------------------------------
Charlie can feel the anger as soon as he steps through the door.
His Dad is stood in the kitchen, leaning against the counter. Charlie would love to just walk past him and go straight to his room but he knows that's not an option. His Dad's glare is razor sharp.
He pauses and his Dad says nothing. Anger radiates off of him and Charlie isn't sure what he's done but it can't be good.
"Who's Daniel Evans?"
Charlie feels the floor drop out from underneath him. He's tried so hard to keep Daniel and his Dad separate, to stop his Dad from finding out but somehow his Dad has found out and Charlie has no idea what the consequences may be.
"How did you find out?" Charlie manages to choke out.
"Somebody mentions that they saw the two of you hanging out, when you told me you were staying at school for a revision session," Charlie keeps silent as he knows lying is only going to make things worse at this point, "I wondered why you hadn't mentioned him so I did some research, he's gay Charlie."
The disgust is clear in Charlie's dad's voice when he says that word, he spits it out like it's poison.
"I know," Charlie admits.
"So I wondered what the two of you were talking about, I checked your messages Charlie."
Charlie is pretty sure he can't breathe, because if his Dad has seen the messages then that means he must know. He knows that Charlie is gay and Charlie is fucking petrified, his Dad has said before exactly what the consequences would be if Charlie was 'one of them'.
"You're gay," it's not a question it's a statement.
Charlie can feel the lump in his throat build.
"It was a joke," he says on the spot.
He can see the rage in his Dad's eyes and he's desperate to do anything to get himself out of this situation.
"A joke?" His dad repeats, his tone disbelieving.
"You always said we should teach them a lesson," Charlie continues, he doesn't know exactly where he's going with this but he carries on talking, "it's a prank, if he thinks I'm gay then he'll trust me."
"And then what are you planning on doing?"
"I'll," Charlie grasps at any idea that comes to him, anything that his Dad will approve of, "I'll embarrass him in front of the whole school, make sure everyone knows how people like him deserve to be treated."
Words have never tasted so bitter to Charlie, have never burned his mouth like this. And the lies hurt, but his Dad never has to know whether Charlie goes through with this.
"I'll stop talking to him though," Charlie says.
"No," his Dad says to Charlie's surprise, "do it tomorrow. Show him what he deserves, film it, make me proud."
The room is spinning and Charlie isn't sure how on earth he can back out of this now. He's dug himself a hole and it just seems to be getting deeper.
"Dad, I, Dad."
"Unless you're lying to me?"
Charlie stays silent and his father delivers a blow to his stomach, one that is sure to bruise tomorrow.
"There's more where that came from," his Dad promises, "unless you do me proud. Do the right thing Charlie."
Charlie knows he could back out, but the look in his Dad's eye promises more than just the usual single punch. It promises pain, and Charlie is terrified of his Dad in that moment, realises that he's not really sure what his own Dad is capable of. But there's a look in his eye that promises pain, Charlie knows he has to go through with this.
--------------------------------------------------
Daniel Evans: Hey!
Daniel Evans: You there?
Daniel Evans: Charlie I know you've seen my messages, there's a little tick, stop ignoring me dickface :p
Charlie Martin: Sorry busy
Daniel Evans: You okay?
Charlie Martin: Fine
Daniel Evans: Good :) cause I need to ask you something tomorrow
--------------------------------------------------
Charlie thinks he may be about to throw up.
Daniel is waiting for him when he arrives at school and he has to physically swallow the scream that feels like it's rising up inside of him. He can feel panic bubbling up and just wants to turn around and run away. But all he can think of is his father's promise and the bruise on his stomach and the fear he felt as he slept last night.
Daniel doesn't deserve this, but Charlie is too terrified to do anything else.
And so Charlie tries to avoid talking to Daniel as much as he can, claims he needs to talk to a teacher during form time and break. Does as much as he can so that he can prevent having to fuck Daniel over.
Charlie hates himself already.
When lunchtime comes around Charlie can't prevent the inevitable any longer.
"I really need to tell you something," Daniel says his tone insistent.
"Uhm sure," Charlie replies, "let's go somewhere else."
They're in the middle of the canteen send Charlie knows he promised his Dad a show but he really doesn't think he can go through with this in front of everyone.
"No," Daniel tells him, "I want everyone to hear me."
"Okay then."
Charlie can feel his heart racing and his blood rushing and he feels like he's on the verge of breaking down into tears or passing out. He opens up the camera on his phone and presses record. Feels the self hatred coat his skin like a second layer.
"So you know what you told me the other night," Daniel says, Charlie nods and can feel the panic rising higher, "well it got me thinking."
Daniel looks at Charlie waiting for some kind of response.
"Okay."
"And I really love being your friend, but I'd kind of like to be more than that. I'd kind of like to I don't know, date you or something."
Charlie remains silent and he feels like everyone's eyes are on him. All of his friends are probably wondering what the hell is wrong with him, probably think he's some kind of freak for being gay.
The worst thing is that Charlie wants to say okay, wants to date Daniel and kiss him. He wants the two of them to go on dates at Emma's, and to the beach and for their first anniversary he wants them to book a table at the fanciest restaurant and order food that they can barely afford. He wants them to consult about which universities are closest and what they want to do with their lives. He kind of wants to plan a future with Daniel, but the present just isn't allowing for that.
Charlie doesn't know what to say and so he settles for a laugh. Tries not to look at Daniel's face as he does so, tries not to focus on the hurt.
"I'm not gay," Charlie chokes out.
Instead of looking at Daniel's face he focuses on a spot on the wall just above him. He doesn't want to have to look into his eyes whilst he says this.
"It was a joke," Charlie says quietly.
"Sorry what."
"It was a joke," his voice is a little louder this time, "an experiment I guess, just wanted to see if I could make you fall for me, I guess it worked."
"What?" Charlie can almost hear Daniel's heart breaking when he speaks.
And Charlie can feel his own heart splintering into pieces, can feel himself giving up on any chance he thought he had at a happy ending. Because someone who does this does not deserve their own knight in shining armour, they deserve to be as unhappy as they made other people.
"I don't like you, especially not in that way, I just wanted to see how desperate you were."
Daniel looks as if he might say something but Charlie cuts him off.
"Of course I'm not gay, it's wrong for anybody to be, you're fucking stupid to think I ever could be."
"I trusted you."
"Well that's your mistake."
"I don't believe you."
Shards of Charlie's heart are digging into him so that his whole body feels as if it's on fire. And he knows he's going to have to meet Daniel's eye, needs to make Daniel believe him. Because it's not just himself that Charlie is worried for, he knows what when his Dad is done with him he won't stop there, if Charlie makes Daniel's life miserable now he'll save him the pain later. And although Charlie doesn't want to be the one to break Daniel like this, he'd rather Daniel hated him than his Dad went anywhere near him.
"I don't fucking like you," Charlie says, he holds Daniel's gaze as he spits out every word, "can you get that through your thick skull. This was a joke, I could never like a guy like you. I could never like a guy full stop, I'm not a pussy."
"This isn't you, you don't sound like yourself."
"You don't fucking know me."
"Clearly," Daniel says bitterly.
Charlie hopes his Dad is happy now because he is in tatters.
--------------------------------------------------
Daniel Evans: I can't believe you'd do something like this
Daniel Evans: WHAT THE HELL CHARLIE
Daniel Evans: SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL
Daniel Evans: Please tell me this was a joke
--------------------------------------------------
His father's waiting for him when he gets back home. And Charlie knows that he still can't cry, not until he's in the dark and the safety of his bedroom, not until he's sure his father is asleep.
"Did you do it?" His father looks up when Charlie enters and questions straight away.
"Yeah."
Charlie tries to keep the disgust out of his voice. Disgust towards himself and his father and this awful damn situation.
This doesn't feel like self hatred that's burning towards him, it's more like a loathing, and he's short of breath like even his heart and lungs are turning against him, don't think he deserves to live anymore.
"Did everyone laugh?"
"Yeah."
That's almost the worst part, that other people laughed but it brings a cruel smile to his father's face.
"You did a good job son," Peter Martin tells Charlie, "I'm proud of you."
Charlie can feel the bile rise in his throat.
"Boys like that," his father continues, "you've got to teach them a lesson, you've got to help them learn what they're doing is wrong."
Hot tears are building behind his eyelids but Charlie can't let his Dad know the truth, doesn't even want to think about the consequences if he does so. So he digs his nails into his palms and wills himself to be strong and brave and the son his father clearly wants him to be, not some freak who likes boys, whose heart gets him into more trouble than his head can handle.
"Yeah," Charlie agrees, trying not to let the lie show.
"So you taught him a lesson, but I suppose I need to teach you a lesson."
"You do?"
Charlie. Can't. Breathe.
This should not be happening, this can't be happening. He went along with everything his father said so he didn't have to do this. But his father is staring at him with a cruel smile and Charlie knows it's no use. Deep down his Father knows, and he's not going to let Charlie get away with it.
"Yes son, you know I don't want to."
"What have I done?"
"You said things to him Charlie, things I want no son of mine saying."
"Please," Charlie begs, "please don't do this."
"Charlie you need to learn."
"I know, I have learnt, I'm sorry."
But Charlie's words are not enough to sway Peter Martin. And as Charlie continues to whimper and plead his father comes closer. Charlie swears his father must be a giant, either that or Charlie is shrinking so that his head barely comes up to the top of the coffee table. The room seems so big and Charlie seems so small and yet there seems to be no way to get away. There's nothing Charlie can do and he knows it.
Peter Martin's fist connects with Charlie's face in a flash. He doesn't bother holding back, no lesson is ever learnt properly by teaching it in moderation. And Charlie has grown accustomed to tuning out his Father's fits of anger, of letting the punches hit him without feeling the pain until later when his father's not there to watch him hurt. When he can tend to his emotional and physical scars without his father there to be disappointed in him for being so weak.
But this time the punches hurt. Perhaps it's because Charlie's let his guard down. Perhaps it's because he thinks he deserves every punch he's getting.
His father's hand meets his cheek with a sickening crunch. And Charlie nearly falls to the floor, he manages to keep himself upright though as he knows showing any amount of weakness will only make the situation worse, will give his father more ammunition.
Peter Martin's fists are his go to resource. A way to end fights, a way to teach a lesson, a way to protect. And right now they're connecting with Charlie's body time and time again. Charlie doesn't even bother trying to fight back, knows there's no use. He's not strong enough.
And he deserves it anyway.
With each punch Charlie thinks of Daniel's face when Charlie made the announcement it was all a joke. Things of how Charlie is pretty sure he witnessed an actual heartbreak, viewed a boy losing all the faith he had left in humanity.
And it's all Charlie's fault.
Charlie can't keep himself up any longer and he falls to the floor. Limbs sprawling everywhere.
"Get up!" His Father shouts. "Get up! Get up! Get up!"
He punctuates every single word with a kick to Charlie's stomach, his voice growing louder. But Charlie can't get up, he's given up.
"You're weak," his father spits, "you're no son of mine. No son I could be proud of. Now get up."
His father continues with his actions but Charlie is focusing on the pain. With every kick and punch he's thinking of Daniel.
Daniel would get up. Although Daniel probably wouldn't have got himself in this situation to begin with. Daniel wouldn't deserve to be taught a lesson.
But then again Daniel didn't deserve for Charlie to embarrass him in front of everyone. Didn't deserve for Charlie to lie because he all he is is a coward who is afraid of his father's anger.
Daniel deserves someone so much better than Charlie.
Charlie doesn't deserve the world, or whatever little section of it he's got. Charlie thinks he deserves pain and heartbreak and everything bad.
He hopes Daniel meets someone who can give him everything Charlie never could. And Charlie hopes that he himself falls in love again like he did with Daniel, and that that person destroys him, takes every single piece of his heart and shatters it.
It's what he deserves.
"Get up!" His dad is still shouting, but Charlie feels like his voice is fading. "Take it like a man."
Charlie can feel his eyes drooping shut as his father delivers another blow to his head. Maybe Charlie can just go to sleep and everything will be okay. Maybe Charlie can just go to sleep forever and everyone else will be better off.
He's definitely losing consciousness though. Charlie knows he should probably be concerned. Should probably think about the fact that he's pretty sure his Father has delivered more punches tonight than he ever has before.
But he can't.
All Charlie can think about is the fact that he's never going to be able to tell Daniel how fucking sorry he is.
--------------------------------------------------
Daniel Evans: I mean I get you're not interested but seriously a video, pictures?
Daniel Evans: What the fuck
Daniel Evans: I thought you were fucking different Charlie
Daniel Evans: I fucking hate you
Daniel Evans: I hope you get what you deserve
End of Lost Boy Chapter 8. Continue reading Chapter 9 or return to Lost Boy book page.