Lost Boy - Chapter 9: Chapter 9

Charlie is pretty sure there is nothing in the world more frustrating than not remembering the exact word for something. It's happening to him now, he can say the words it almost is but his brain is drawing a blank on the actual word itself. Finn's laughing at his attempts to remember, the flailing gestures he's using to try to explain exactly what he means.
Eventually Charlie leaves a space, hopes the word will come back to him later.
"I hate revision," Finn groans, he's been stressing out about some test coming up for around an hour now and it does not appear to be aiding his efforts to study.
"Yeah but you need to do it."
"Do I?"
"Yes," Charlie sighs, "not even you can pass without studying at all."
"But I don't want to study at all."
Despite his annoying whining, Charlie can tell that Finn really has lost some of his motivation. And he looks so despondent, as if he can't believe that he doesn't want to study. Finn has always been clever and he's always been determined to succeed, but he's finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate when the sun is shining bright outside.
Finn will never admit it but Charlie is proving a distraction too. They've only been something for a couple of weeks now, and it's still very much a private thing, and so Finn thinks that time spent together just the two of them could be much better used touching, or kissing, or doing whatever the hell they want to do. But instead he has to study, Charlie completely oblivious to how torturous sitting so close to him and not be able to touch him is.
"I tell you what," Charlie says, taking matters into his own hands, "pass me your textbook. I'm going to ask you questions, you get it right you get a kiss, the more questions in a row you get right, the better the kiss. Deal?"
"Deal," a smile appears on Finn's lips, and he sits up, suddenly much more interested in revision.
"What protects the pituitary gland?"
Finn barely pauses.
"The sella turcica of the sphenoid bone."
Charlie presses a small kiss to Finn's forehead.
"There you go."
"That's it?"
"I told you they'd get better," Charlie says teasingly.
"Fuck you."
"You need to study right now, maybe some other time."
Finn groans.
"What is hypopituitarism?"
"Diminished hormone secretion by the pituitary gland."
A small kiss is pressed to the hollow of Finn's neck, Charlie nips lightly and he feels Finn tense.
"I really hate you," Finn mutters hoarsely.
"I'm trying to help."
"You are not helping the problem in my boxers."
Charlie blushes and Finn counts it as a small victory.
But then Charlie picks up the textbook once again and Finn is forced to refocus.
"What is TSH?" Charlie says, sounding confused himself as he reads the question from the book.
"Thyroid stimulating hormone."
"And what does it do?"
"Hey it's a kiss a question!"
"Well I'll give you a few at once."
Finn huffs but answers the question.
"It stimulates the thyroid gland to produce thyroxine."
"And?"
"And then produce triiodothyroxine."
"What does triio- that thing do?"
"It stimulates the metabolism of almost every tissue in the body," Finn explains.
"Well done," Charlie says, "how many questions was that."
"One hundred," Finn tell him mischievously, "so I guess you owe me a hundred kisses."
"I think it was more like four," Charlie replies.
The first kiss is placed to Finn's temple, then his cheek. Then the softest of kisses is placed to Finn's lips, so brief that Finn almost thinks he imagined it. He's beginning to get impatient now, these kisses are brilliant – Charlie's kisses always are – but he wants more, he wants to be able to show just how much Charlie means to him.
So when Charlie leans in to place the fourth kiss to Finn's lips once again, Finn threads his fingers through Charlie's hair and holds him close, not that Charlie puts up much of a fight.
It's not difficult for the two of them to get lost in each other, not when they fit together like two pieces of a jigsaw, when their limbs intertwine so easily, when the slightest tug of Charlie's hair tells him exactly what it is that Finn wants. Charlie's heard cliché things about fireworks exploding behind your eyelids but instead he feels a fire moving through him, as if he is just paper and Finn is a match. It moves through him slowly until every inch of him is burning and his heart is in flames.
He pulls away a little to catch his breath.
"Right then," he half says, half chokes out, "we better get on with some more questions."
Finn has a devilish smirk on his face, one that suggests he plans to do anything but that. But he humours Charlie, sits up a little straighter and tugs his top so it's not quite so dishevelled. He offers Charlie a kilowatt grin.
"Uhm I don't understand most of the words in this book," Charlie says lightly, "I honestly don't think any of this English."
Finn rolls his eyes but his smile is friendly.
"Okay uhm tell me about Cortisol being released?"
"It's released through the hypothalamic pituitary adrenal axis," Finn says slowly, suddenly sounding not quite as confident.
"And what triggers its release?"
"Stress, exercise and hypoglycemia," Finn says counting them off on his fingers.
"And what is it usually bound to in the blood?"
"Cortisol binding globulin."
"Well done," Charlie says sounding genuinely proud, "where is it – degraded?"
"The liver."
"And where is it excreted?"
"Urine and bile salts."
"You know you're due a kiss right now but somehow talking about urine does not put me in the mood," Charlie says teasingly, painting his face with a look of disgust.
"Really?" Finn says jokingly, mock shock, "cause talking about it really turns me on."
"I don't know what you're in to," Charlie replies, half serious.
"Care to find out?"
Charlie's face flushes, which is nothing new, and he buries his head in Finn's textbook, refusing to look up at the other boy who is gazing at him with a caring expression.
"I would like a kiss though," Finn tells Charlie.
"Well I suppose you do deserve one," Charlie replies.
"Exactly."
Finn's smile is wide as Charlie leans in closer, Finn allows the tips of his fingers to trail across the curves of Charlie's face, hoping that he can memorise every feature by touch. It's a hopeless wish.
There's something Finn's not telling Charlie though. It's not just a fear of commitment that's been stopping him from dating before. Finn was eleven years old when his parents' car slid on the ice and off the road, and Finn has lived in constant fear since then that everyone else is going to disappear from his life too. So he's trying to commit every moment with Charlie to memory, is trying to make sure that he can remember every single thing. Because that way, even when Charlie is long gone, Finn will still have his memories to go back to.
Charlie pulls away, but Finn's hand continue to cup his cheeks.
"I think I answered way more than one question just then."
"You sure?"
Finn doesn't bother replying, he just draws Charlie in closer, presses their lips together slightly, so that they're just brushing, so that when Finn murmurs Charlie can feel every movement of Finn's lips against his mouth.
"So," Finn says, "as much as I've enjoyed this revision session I have some other plans for the rest of the evening."
"And what would they be?"
Finn indulges himself in a luxurious kiss, dragging it out for as long as he can, enjoying every movement of their mouths against one another, enjoying the way that Charlie's hair feels curled around his fingers as he plays with the hair at the base of his neck. Charlie tugs slowly at the edge of Finn's shirt, his hands balled into little fists. And almost in unison they both let out little groans.
"Take a guess," Finn tells Charlie.
"You're going to cook me pancakes," Charlie suggests, "because I'm really craving them right now. Wait no! You're finally going to agree to listen to the entire Hamilton soundtrack with me?"
"No," Finn says, laughing slightly, "I was thinking more that I could help you out with that growing problem you seem to have."
As if to prove his point Finn pushes forwards slightly so their crotches rub against one another. Charlie can feel his blush coating every inch of him from his head to his toe, but Finn just has a small smirk on his face.
"You're so damn cute when you blush," he says for what seems like the thousandth time, punctuating his sentence with a kiss, "you're pretty cute when you stammer too," another kiss, "and I can't decide if I love it more when you act all innocent or when you finally act like the kinky boy you are."
"I'm not kinky!"
"Damn so those handcuffs I bought are going to go to waste?"
Charlie's face flushes a faint shade of red once again but he leans in even closer to Finn and places a soft kiss to his jaw.
"I don't know," Charlie replies, his voice dropped to almost a whisper, "it can't hurt to try them out."
"Fuck Charlie," Finn says, his voice hoarse, "I need you to either be sexy or innocent, I can't deal with them both."
"Well which would you rather me be?"
"To be honest I don't really care as long as you're sucking my dick but y'know."
"That can be arranged."
"You're all talk and no blow."
"Is that a challenge?" Charlie says, cocking his head to the side.
"Fuck Charlie, seriously don't tease me with the idea if you're not going to follow through."
Charlie simply presses his lips to Finn and swallows the other boy's moans. Slowly Charlie's hands fall to Finn's zipper.
"Charlie," the word comes out half as a warning, half as a whine.
Finn is caught between begging Charlie to follow through with his actions and warning him that by so much as letting his fingers brush against Finn's crotch, he's allowing Finn to hope for far more than he's probably allowed.
"Seriously Charlie," Finn presses his hands against Charlie's shoulders holding him back slightly, he needs to clear his head so he can think and he can't do that with Charlie's body pressed against his, "I get that you're not ready for stuff yet but please don't get me unbearably hard because I think you'll be there to help me out and then back out. I'm not saying we have to do anything, I'm just saying please try not to get me hard if you're not going to help me deal with the issue."
Charlie leans in for a kiss.
"Seriously Charlie," Finn repeats.
"I want to try."
Four simple words but they make Finn's heart race and his pulse quicken and his skin doesn't feel like his for a moment. Maybe it's because he can't believe Charlie has said those words, had hoped he might, but had quietly resigned himself to forever having to look after himself once Charlie had gone home.
"You want to try what?"
Charlie lets out a sigh and Finn almost feels bad but he just needs to make sure that he knows exactly what it is Charlie wants. Doesn't want to push him too far because of some sort of stupid misunderstanding.
"I want to try and help you sort out your... little issue."
The red spreads across Charlie's cheeks until his entire face is a faded pink. He ducks his head and focuses his attention to fiddling with a loose thread on Finn's shirt.
"You sure?" Finn asks. "You don't have to. I understand if you don't want to, I mean I know why. I'm happy to just carry on the way we were."
Finn is trying to offer Charlie an out. Wants to give the other boy a chance to back away from the situation so that Finn doesn't spend the entire time wondering that maybe this isn't what Charlie really wants. That maybe this time he's rushed things and he's never going to see Charlie again. Finn really does not want that, so he asks a lot of questions.
"It doesn't really seem fair for you to take care of me and for me not to return the favour," Charlie says with a small smile, pressing a feather light kiss to Finn's cheek.
Charlie seems to think that that's solved everything but Finn pulls away slightly.
"I don't care about fair," Finn tells Charlie looking him straight in the eye, "I care about what you're comfortable with, I care about doing things at your pace, I need you to tell me if I'm rushing you or pushing you Charlie. Cause I couldn't live with myself if I knew I was and you just weren't telling me. You can trust me Charlie, I don't care if it's not fair, I just care that it's with you."
It's Finn's turn to be embarrassed now and he turns his head and looks downwards. But Charlie doesn't tease him for it, his face merely morphs into shock before a small smile tugs at the corners of Charlie's mouth.
"You're not rushing me or pushing me. I want to do this, honestly, I really do Finn."
"Are you not scared?"
"I'm fucking terrified," Charlie admits, trying to keep his tone light, "but I trust you. You just might have to put with my inexperience for a bit but I'm sure I'll improve over time."
The last few words are accompanied by a devilish smirk and Finn can't resist the urge to kiss it right off Charlie's face. Their lips pressed together, arms winding round bodies as they writhe to get as close as possible.
"I trust you," Charlie repeats as if it's something he's only just realised, "I trust you with my life Finn."
Finn traces Charlie's cheeks with the lightest of tissues, his eyes widening slightly as a strangely shy smile takes over his face.
"Seriously?" Finn asks, he sounds shocked.
"Of course," Charlie says.
The next kiss is lazy but then Charlie presses forwards slightly, grinds his hips against Finn's, slowly at first, teasing, wanting Finn to say what he wants.
"Fuck Charlie," Finn groans for what seems like the hundredth time, "will you?"
"Will I what?"
A mischievous smile taunts Finn and he resists the urge to groan once again.
"You're such a tease," Finn mumbles, "I was never this mean to you."
"Sorry," Charlie replies sounding panicked.
"It's fine," Finn quickly assures him, "it's okay, I'd just appreciate it if you used your mouth for purposes other than talking."
Charlie shakes his head but he pulls Finn close, kisses the hollow of Finn's neck, biting lightly. Finn practically whines and Charlie hurries his actions, tugs Finn's shirt over his head and kisses down his chest. Charlie tries to follow his instincts and not over think things, he can't deny that he's worried he might do something wrong but he's holding onto the assurance that it's Finn, someone he trusts, someone who's not going to make fun of him.
It's once he gets to Finn's jeans that Charlie's worries seem to be becoming a problem. His hands are shaking slightly and he's finding it hard to get down the zipper.
"You don't have to do this," Finn says when he notices Charlie struggling.
"I want to."
Charlie is surprised by the truthfulness of the words. Of course it's obvious that this is something he wants, he wouldn't be here if it wasn't. But Charlie didn't realise how much he wanted to return the favour, how much he wanted to make Finn feel as good as Finn did him. Hadn't realised how much he yearned for that kind of closeness between them.
"Do you need help with the zipper?" Finn says teasingly.
"I think I've got it."
Finn begins to say something else but Charlie cuts him off with a swift kiss, pulling the zip down as he does so. Finn lifts himself up to wiggle out of his jeans and kicks them to the side so they're out of the way and then he's just sat there, in just his boxers.
Charlie drinks in the sight. He's memorised every single part of Finn's face, every feature, every freckle, every curve and now he wants to do the same for every other part of the other boy. Wants to commit this moment to memory, wants to remember what it felt like to feel wanted, to know that someone needed you just as much as you needed them.
"So are you just going to sit there staring at me or what?" Finn jokes.
Charlie really wishes he didn't automatically blush in response to everything but he does.
Ignoring his reddening cheeks Charlie leans in to kiss Finn once again, meanwhile his hand trails downwards and he slowly starts to stroke Finn through his boxers, swallowing each of Finn's moans. He's trying to remember when Finn did it, trying to replicate the other boy's movements. Charlie wants this to be perfect and he's desperately hoping his inexperience doesn't show, as impossible as he knows that is.
"Charlie I swear to god."
Charlie removes his hands and moves so he's straddling Finn, makes sure their hips rub together until he's sure the friction and the teasing must be almost unbearable for Finn.
"I fucking hate you," Finn says, but his hips are writhing underneath Charlie none the less.
"We can stop," Charlie suggests.
Finn quickly shakes his head and Charlie laughs.
"Or," Finn says, "you could stop being such a tease and suck my dick."
"I'm good."
"I really fucking hate you."
Charlie ignores Finn's comment and slowly allows his hand to travel downwards once again. His hand slips inside Finn's boxers this time.
"God Charlie," Finn says, "I should say I hate you more often."
Charlie presses another kiss to Finn's lips to keep him silent whilst he slowly takes a hold of Finn's cock. Finn is writhing underneath him and Charlie pulls back slightly to allow Finn to pull his boxers off.
Charlie has to take a moment to re-evaluate the situation because everything seems so much more real now that Finn is fully naked in front of him. Charlie can't help but find the whole situation slightly amusing, that he is fully dressed whilst Finn's like that.
Finn doesn't appear to appreciate waiting though and so Charlie sets to work.
Charlie just wraps his hand around the base, and allows his hand to move up and down. He tries to pay attention to Finn's responses, tries to figure out the exact rhythm that Finn gets the most pleasure for him. Charlie just wants to do a good job, for Finn to enjoy this as much as he possibly can.
Luckily it doesn't appear to be going horrendously wrong and when Finn offers some feedback it's only to beg Charlie to hurry his actions slightly.
Charlie briefly toys at the idea of returning the favour of a blowjob, is worried that Finn will be disappointed if he doesn't. But Finn said to just do whatever he was comfortable with and Charlie feels like right now he's already pushing the limits of his comfort zone far enough.
And so he carries on with his actions, moves a little quicker, grips a little tighter, until Finn is coming all over Charlie's hand.
"Damn," Finn says, "you're a natural."
He presses a chaste kiss to Charlie's lips before continuing.
"You might wanna uh, clean your hands or something."
Charlie blushes. It doesn't even seem like a response when he's embarrassed anymore, it's just something that happens every time Finn speaks.
xxx
Two hours later and the revision session has been officially abandoned. After some attempts to restart it, which only led to Finn getting distracted by Charlie's mouth, both of them agreed to give up.
"You really should be studying," Charlie tells Finn.
They're both laid on Finn's bed, facing the ceiling. Their fingers are intertwined but other than that they're barely touching, they don't need to be. Sometimes moments like this are enough, moments when the silence says far more than they ever will.
"Can I ask you a question?" Finn whispers.
"Was that the question?" Charlie replies. "Because that kind of seems like a waste."
"Shut up."
"Make me."
"Later," Finn says, "right now, a question."
"Go for it."
"After the party, were there any other guys?"
Images of Daniel flash through Charlie's mind, laughing, crying, shouting. The memories go from perfect to everything falling apart in the blink of an eye.
"Why do you want to know?"
"I guess I'm just curious," Finn replies, "I don't know."
"There was one other guy," Charlie admits.
"Anything serious?"
"Not really I suppose, it felt like it was at the time but nothing ever really happened between us. A kiss, that was it."
"And let me guess, you broke his heart?"
Charlie stills, Finn hitting far too close to reality without even realising it. He quickly tries to cover up his brief pause, to keep the illusion of the perfect, sweet boy going. But Finn notices his actions.
"So you did then?"
"Did what?" Charlie feigns nonchalance even though he knows it's not going to help him.
"You broke his heart."
"I didn't break his heart." I ripped it apart and stomped the shreds to a pulp. "There was a misunderstanding and we drifted apart."
Finn remains unconvinced but he drops the topic much to Charlie's relief.
There's a part of Charlie that wants to tell Finn everything. That wants there to be no secrets between the two of them, that wants to believe he can trust Finn with this secret. But there's another part of Charlie that knows even Finn, who's stuck by him through so much, can't possibly find a way to forgive him for this. Charlie knows Finn will find out eventually, and arguably there is no use in prolonging the inevitable, but Charlie has no idea how to tell Finn, can barely tell the story aloud when he's by himself has no idea how to tell another person, let alone Finn.
Because there are some things that are forgivable. Like eating the last chocolate left in the box, or being so scared of your own father that you can't commit to a relationship. But there are some things, like breaking hearts, like tearing people apart, that can never be forgiven. They're the sort of things that should never have happened in the first place, where the memory leaves you bathing in a pool of guilt, where even rewinding the past seems like it wouldn't solve the issue.
Charlie hates himself for what he did. Knows he can't take it back no matter what he does, that nothing now will correct the past's mistakes. Charlie can't forgive himself for what happened, there's no way he can expect anyone else too.
"You okay?"
"I'm fine."
"No one who's fine actually says that they are," Finn points out, "so come on, what's up?"
"Nothing."
Finn pauses, clearly debating whether to push the issue further.
He brushes his lips against Charlie's. The most gentle of kisses, it's sweet and tender and Charlie instantly relaxes against Finn.
"You know you can tell me anything right?" Finn tells Charlie. "Anything at all, whatever's worrying you. I don't care if you're worried it's stupid or whatever, you can tell me."
Charlie searches for the right words to say.
"What if it's something terrible?"
"You could never do something terrible," Finn assures him and Charlie feels the weight in his stomach grow heavier, "I'm sure whatever you've done it's not that bad, you're probably making it seem worse than it was."
Charlie thinks of Daniel's tearstained cheeks. Thinks about the look of utter despair, of the one sided fight afterwards. Charlie thinks of his attempt at an apology, of lying time and time again, thinks of how it felt to know that he was right to not forgive himself. There's no way Charlie is making it seem worse than it was, it's not possible for it to seem worse than it was. It was horrendous and horrible and Charlie feels the guilt wash over him all over again.
It's not unusual for this to happen, for him to hate himself all over again, it's just this usually happens in the dead of night with no one there to witness it. Not when he's lying next to Finn, the boy who claims he can forgive him for everything, the boy who definitely won't be able to forgive him for this.
Charlie is keeping so many secrets from so many people. He's keeping Daniel a secret from Finn, he's keeping Finn a secret from everyone. He's lying to every person he comes into contact with in some way or another, even himself, and he absolutely hates it. But he doesn't know how to stop. Admitting to your past mistakes is harder than anything, it's admitting what kind of person you used to be. Charlie doesn't even want to associate himself with the person he used to be, let alone admit to all the things that person did.
Because Charlie had his reasons, but he can't help thinking there might have been a way he could have done it better. He could have stood up to his dad, he could have told Daniel why exactly he did it. But Charlie feels like he's searching for excuses for inexcusable actions. And so he wallows in self hatred, Finn's hand intertwined with his.
They've settled into a silence once more but this time Charlie is lost in his own thoughts. This time he doesn't notice the way that Finn's skin brushes against his own, or the fact that their breathing is perfectly synchronised. This time he's too busy focusing on the past, on the person he used to be, on the person he's worried he still is. Maybe he should break Finn's heart right now, no point in prolonging the inevitable after all. Charlie feels as if there's some kind of storm brewing inside of him, the longer he leaves it, the more damage he's going to cause.
But he can't bring himself to break Finn's heart just yet. There's a large, selfish part of him that wants Finn to stay for as long as possible, even if that means lying to him. Of course Charlie knows that that means things will work out worse in the long run, that future him will curse present him just like present him is cursing past him now. But right now Charlie doesn't want to deal with it, he just wants to kiss Finn and pretend that everything between them is going to work out okay in the end.
Even if it's not.
Charlie turns so he's on his side, watches Finn's chest rise and fall as he starts to drift off.
"We should probably carry on with revision," Charlie points out.
"Do I have to?"
"You probably should."
Finn leans in so his lips are hovering barely a millimetre away from Charlie's.
"But I'm learning about chemistry just being in the same room as you," Finn says with an over exaggerated wink.
Charlie pushes Finn back and lets out a sigh that's supposed to suggest he's disappointed in Finn just for saying that but the smile on his face betrays him.
"You're stupid." Charlie tells Finn.
"I'm hilarious," Finn corrects, "I can tell you think so too, no matter what you say."
Finn tugs on Charlie's hips so that the other boy is lying on top of him and Charlie can feel Finn's laugh reverberate through him.
"I think we should just stay like this forever," Finn suggests, "screw university."
"I think you might need university."
"I don't need anything so long as I have you."
Charlie lightly punches Finn's chest then.
"That was bad even for you."
"Did you not appreciate the cheese?"
"No," Charlie replies simply, "I'd actually like you to apologise for saying that."
"I'm sorry," Finn says and Charlie can feel the laughter once again, "but still, I would be very happy just lying here with you forever. We could get pizza delivered for every meal."
"We might get fat."
"You saying you wouldn't like me if I was fat?"
"I'd like you whatever," Charlie mutters.
Finn presses his lips to Charlie's in response. Holds the other boy tight, and as close as possible. They're lost in their own little world that neither of them wants to leave.
Charlie is happier than he has been in a long time, can feel himself getting more and more caught up in Finn until he's lost in him. But he knows it can't last.
Charlie can't lie forever. But he's not sure how to tell the truth either.