Miracle - Chapter 17: Chapter 17

I stood in the bathroom early Saturday morning, holding the pheromone blocker spray in one hand and my phone in the other. My face was finally clear of bruises, and mercifully free of breakouts. I had my hair in its usual ponytail, with a couple chunks dangling around my jawline.
I'd changed clothes about four times. Maddy had vetoed both of my first two picks, which consisted of the first t-shirts I'd grabbed out of the dresser and a pair of denim cutoffs.
"Not date worthy," she'd pronounced them, and made me change into dark wash jeans and a plaid Western shirt that I took off the moment I saw it in the mirror... it made me look like a member of the cast of Howdy Doody. We compromised on a gray graphic t-shirt with the Tardis on it, and at her insistence, a white long-sleeved shirt over it. The only reason I didn't fight her was the color, because we would likely be in the sun a good portion of the day and the white would keep some of the heat off. Also, I wouldn't have to worry about sunscreen interfering with the pheromone blocker.
I wasn't actually sure if it would interfere, but a rodeo was not the place to find out. I would be asking plenty from Ezra's formula as it was, walking into one of the most testosterone-fueled public venues known to mankind. It's just that I really wanted to see for myself this thing that Pete loved so much. And he'd been so excited to invite me. I didn't want to let him down.
Today wouldn't even be possible without the pheromone blocker. I'd promised Ezra I would use it before I went out. It was the smart thing to do... the only option, really.
But I found myself vacillating. It was an hour's drive to Amarillo, where Pete's rodeo was running its very last show of the season today. Maddy was coming too. Pete was making the round trip twice in one day just so he could pick us up this morning, and drop us off again at home tonight. So did I really have to wear it the whole time we were in the car, while it was just the three of us?
"You promised," Maddy reminded me from the bathroom doorway.
"Yeah, I know."
"Then get a move on. I bet Ezra'll be frettin' all day as it is. Has he called you yet?"
I looked down at my phone and shook my head. I'd been expecting him to at any moment. He had to know what our plans were, he knew every single other real-time detail about my life.
"Eh, maybe he's already on his way down here. He'll just watch over you all day from the shadows like usual, and take off without saying a thing."
I hoped not. And because I was a selfish jerk, it wasn't just because I didn't want him risking himself for my sake. I also didn't want him looking over my shoulder while I was with Pete. If Pete was still into me without the pheromones, I didn't want Ezra watching us get cozy. And if he wasn't, well... I didn't want Ezra to see me get rejected, either.
I sighed. Unzipped the fly of my jeans, prompting my sister to cover her eyes. Sprayed my crotch. Then I zipped up and spritzed again, to make extra sure.
If it changes the way he feels, wouldn't that mean he wasn't worth the risk?
It would. But that wasn't much comfort. And suppose Pete's feelings didn't change? Supposing he was still into me at the end of the day, I'd then have to figure out how to tell him I was moving away. Was that really all that much better?
I was overthinking and the day hadn't even started. I was going to ruin my own fun today if I didn't cut it out.
Our tinny doorbell went off from the front room.
"Your boyfriend's here," Maddy announced unnecessarily, and I tossed the spray bottle into my backpack.
Pete was at the door, this time in utilitarian cowboy getup. Snug faded jeans, denim shirt, leather vest. Definitely dressed for rugged activity. I held my breath as he grinned and touched the brim of his hat. "Mornin'."
I gave him a timid smile, trying to analyze his expression. "Hey, Pete. It's good to see you."
"Let's go, guys!" Maddy pushed past me out the door, deliberately making me lurch into Pete. Out on the porch she turned around and gave me a wink. "Whoops, sorry bubba."
I chuckled nervously as I righted myself, and glanced up at Pete. He seemed unaffected.
"You guys hungry? I've got some fruit n' trail mix in the truck if you want."
"Is that all you ate for breakfast?" I shouldered my backpack and followed him out to his truck.
"Yup. Wasn't gonna get up at four to cook." He opened the passenger side door.
"Is that enough, though? You're going to need your strength." I should have thought to make him breakfast before he got here. He'd skipped it so he could pick us up.
"No worries, I'm fine 'til lunch. 'Sides, I'm riding Big Red today. Gonna need to stay light on my feet."
I climbed into the bench seat and moved toward the middle as Maddy got in behind me. As we put seatbelts on, I realized the truck's stick shift was positioned between my knees. I thought about trying to tuck my legs up criss-cross, but there wasn't enough room. Maddy gave me a wicked grin when she caught on.
"Don't say it," I warned under my breath as Pete opened the driver's side.
"I didn't say anything."
Pete got into the seat next to me. He started the truck, then reached over my leg for the shifter. I flushed and looked over at him, pulling my ankles as tight to the bench as I could. "I'm in the way. Sorry."
"You're good," he assured me cheerfully, moving the stick into reverse. Then, before letting up on the brake, he met my eyes with his mossy green ones. His head tilted. "Somethin's different about you today."
I held my breath, my heart speeding up. "Oh? Uh, what?" On my other side, I felt Maddy's hand lay over mine.
"Dunno." His gaze roved my t-shirt, then came back up. "Just feels like there's still a lot about you that I don't know. You're a Doctor Who fan?"
I nodded. "Yeah. You?"
"You know what I am? I am... an idiot."
For a second I was paralyzed with dismay, until I caught the twinkle in his eye. A ripple of delight went through me. I quoted the rest along with him. "With a box, and a screwdriver."
Maddy popped up over my shoulder to chime in, and all three of us declared, "Passing through. Helping out. Learning!"
Pete laughed and backed us out of the driveway. I inhaled with relief.
"So, um, who's Big Red?" I asked as we headed down the county road toward the highway.
"Bronc with a bad rep," Pete responded brightly. "Been stabled for a couple weeks 'cause the last dude who rode him got thrown 'n trampled."
That didn't sound good. "Are you going to be okay?"
"Oh, yeah. I've ridden him plenty of times. Big Red's got a temper. Sometimes he can throw me, sometimes he can't, but we have an understandin'. I show him respect, he does the same for me."
"You ever get hurt doing this stuff?" Maddy wanted to know.
"Sometimes. Broke my finger at the end of the season last year, but it was my own dumb fault. Had reins wrapped around it, and the horse spooked." He tapped his index finger against the steering wheel. I couldn't see anything particularly off about it, it must have healed up well.
"So we'll get to see you ride today?" I asked.
"Yup. A bronc and a bull. There's a ropin' competition first, though. And at the end of the day they'll announce the rodeo champions. That's the folks with the best scores for the season."
"Ooh, think you'll win?" Maddy said.
"Naw, I don't got near the points that some of the longtimers do. I ride for the fun, not the glory." He smiled over at her. "The Miss Rodeo pageant's going to crown a winner today. Ever thought about competing?"
Maddy's eyebrows went up. "Me?" she said, pointing at herself with amusement. "In a beauty pageant?"
"Sure. You're gorgeous."
She glanced at me, silently asking whether his comment made me jealous. It did. I tried not to let it—after all, he'd said when we met that she and I looked alike. A compliment for her could also be a compliment for me.
Except my pheromones were suppressed and hers weren't. And the admiration in his face hadn't been there when he was looking at me.
I think he realized it, too, because his eyes widened and a bit of color rose in his cheeks. "Well, I mean, both of you are." He fixed his eyes on the road ahead, and his grip flexed on the wheel.
I wanted to make a joke or something to lighten his discomfort, but my guts felt too uneasy to think of anything clever. Maddy came to our rescue by tossing out, "Connor, you should tell Pete about that series you're reading, the one you keep saying is like an Old West Doctor Who."
That sparked a discussion around our favorite books and fictional characters, and a lively debate about whether book or television versions of a story had a bigger impact on pop culture. It got us all the way to Amarillo without further awkwardness. Pete wasn't just into Doctor Who, he was a fan of Star Wars, Firefly, and Game of Thrones. Finding out that Pete had an inner geek made him all the more charming. By the time we got to the county fairgrounds, things felt comfortable again.
The truck's tires crunched into a dirt parking lot, and we could smell barbecue and funnel cakes. Maddy threw her door open and jumped to the ground before Pete could make it around to the passenger side. He held a hand up to me.
I grabbed my backpack and let him help me down. His strong, callused fingers gripped mine, and though I didn't need as much help as I had on our first date, I let myself lean on him more than I had to. On the ground, he kept hold of my hand. The glow had returned to his soft green eyes as he looked at me, almost as if he hadn't really seen me until this moment.
"I'm really glad you could come today," he said, sending a thrill through my insides. We stood staring at each other until Maddy cleared her throat over his shoulder.
"Connor, let's hit the bathrooms on the way in."
"I don't need to—"
She jerked her chin meaningfully toward my backpack. Crap. Pete was finally being warm with me, but all it meant was that the formula was wearing off. I really, really didn't want to put more on. Not that I had a choice, now that we were here. "Guess it's a good idea," I mumbled reluctantly.
Pete twined our fingers together and reached past me to shut the truck door. "I'll show you where they are," he said, and led us through the parking lot. I relished the feel of holding his hand while I could.
He showed the teller at the gate some kind of paper badge, and used a couple guest passes to get us in. Then we headed for a small concrete building, with "Men's" and "Women's" signs posted on opposite ends. Maddy went off to her side, and I left Pete waiting at the men's entrance.
There were a couple guys at the urinals as I walked in. The unspoken rule was that you kept eyes on your own business in here, but the second I set foot inside their heads came up and they turned to look at me. Chin down, I hurried into an open stall and latched the door.
I heard one clear his throat, then some shuffling as he passed my stall on his way to the sinks. While the water was running I dug in my backpack for the body spray. I got my neck and underarms first, then undid my pants and sprayed down there too.
It could have been paranoia, but it seemed like it was taking the men longer than it should to finish up and leave. So I lingered in the stall, trying not to breathe deeply since the smell in here wasn't the greatest. I counted to sixty before opening the stall door.
Now there was only one other person in the restroom, and I relaxed a bit. It wasn't either of the first two guys. I went through the motions of washing my hands, then headed for the exit.
Pete and Maddy were chatting out front when I came out. Maddy saw me first and waved me over, and Pete pushed away from the wall.
"Pete says there's a place over there where we can try milking a cow," Maddy declared, as if the idea was the most exciting thing she'd ever heard of. "Let's go!"
I fell into step next to them. To my surprise, Pete took my hand again. A spark of hope flared in my chest. Okay, maybe at least some of his interest in me wasn't affected by the blocker? I tried to focus on his explanation that cow-milking was meant as a kids' activity. I heard the words he was saying, but all my brain wanted to process was the possibility that what we had might be real. He wouldn't be walking through one of the most macho places on earth holding my hand if he didn't like me at least a little. Right?
The milking demonstration consisted of a single cow pen inside one of the barns. We got in line behind a couple families with kids, and Pete released my hand to point out what they were doing. There was a big plastic bucket underneath the cow. Each person came up, watched the rodeo staff demonstrate, and then got to try extracting the milk themselves. The cow stood flicking her tail and chewing a mouthful of hay, seemingly unbothered by all the strange hands squeezing and yanking at her undercarriage.
I made a face of sympathy. "God, she's so patient, getting manhandled by little kids all day."
Pete chuckled. "Her own calf's likely to be a lot rougher. Imagine a hundred pound toddler with teeth and a neverendin' appetite."
I returned his grin.
Maddy giggled and shrieked through her turn at the udders, drawing quite a few admiring male spectators over. I was torn, because it was great that she was having fun, but Pete was back to watching her. He'd stepped away from me, not by much, but in a way that subtly said he was distracted. Maddy came bounding out of the pen, beaming with excitement, and he congratulated her with laughter. Neither was paying attention as I went in and put a few halfhearted squirts of milk into the bucket.
I hoped I was being petty. That the sinking feeling in my stomach was an overreaction. I couldn't exactly define why it felt so bad, except that as the day went on I knew, deep down, that this thing with Pete wasn't working. We went around the other kids' activities, trying to rope a barstool, catch a piglet, bottle-feed baby goats. Maddy collected an entourage of guys tailing us from one booth to the next, and while Pete kept apologetically remembering I was there and trying to do or say something to include me, it was obvious that it was an effort.
Then the blocker started to wear off. He noticed me, stood closer, started making overtures at physical contact. But so did the men following Maddy. Perfect strangers brushed up against me, touched my hair, found excuses to put an arm around my shoulders. They made uncomfortable double entendres that I had no clue how to respond to.
I found myself with a whole new respect for Maddy, because they were doing all the same things to her and she was handling it like no big deal. She redirected and teased, managed to maintain distance without denting anyone's pride. I wished I had her skill, but I wasn't anywhere near as smooth as she was. Pete was starting to get possessively puffed up, though I think it was as much on Maddy's behalf as mine. Eventually somebody grabbed my butt hard enough to make me yelp. I had no choice but to duck into a restroom before it got out of control.
It was awful. We went to watch Pete's riding competitions, and I spent the whole time feeling like my heart was sitting on the back of my tongue. He looked incredible out there, strong and talented and confident. He stayed on a very big, very determined red horse that was bucking so hard his teeth had to be rattling, and made it look easy. He got the highest score and the loudest cheers of all the bareback riders, but when he came over to Maddy and me after his win, she had more of his attention than I did.
Unable to stand it, I excused myself to the restrooms for about the millionth time. And the guilty, confused expression on his face as I left made it worse. He didn't understand what was happening. I did, and it hurt in a way I didn't know what to do with. In the toilet stall, I leaned against the metal partition and concentrated on breathing so I wouldn't cry.
I'd known it all along, hadn't I? Pete wasn't gay. He was sweet and kind and good. Cute, and secretly geeky, and so much fun to be around. He was wonderfully open minded. But he wasn't gay, and he didn't actually like me in a romantic way.
I had to let him go. It wasn't like I was in love with him anyway. This was only our second date. So why did I feel so crummy?
After the bull riding event, we sat through a closing ceremony where trophies were given out and a teen girl in a sash and tiara led a procession of horses around the arena. Pete got swept into his group of rodeo buddies, and I recognized quite a few from the Fourth of July barbecue. This time they barely acknowledged me. Pete was trying even harder, beckoning to me and offering to get me a drink and making attempts to pull me in from the fringes of their group. But that just meant I was putting a damper on his fun too. He was acting out of politeness, not affection. Maddy sympathetically did what she could to cheer me up.
It was a relief when he finally excused the three of us from socializing, and we headed back to his truck together. With fewer people around, it was easier to put up a nonchalant exterior. I was in the middle seat on the drive home, and kept my legs out of the way of the stick shift as much as I could, trying to sound lighthearted as we chatted about rodeo and cowboy stuff.
When I ran out of ideas to keep the conversation going, Maddy changed the subject to things she knew were easy for me to talk about. And when we pulled up into our driveway an hour later, she had the passenger door open before the truck had even fully stopped.
"I gotta pee so bad!" she shouted. "Thanks for today, Pete, it was awesome, see you!"
Silence settled through the cab as Maddy dashed inside the house. The blocker formula had to be wearing off by now, but Pete didn't reach for me.
"Today was great," I finally said. "Thanks for inviting us."
"Connor, I..." Pete hadn't taken his hands off the steering wheel. "I really like spendin' time with you."
I swallowed, and waited for what I knew was coming next.
"I'm thinking, though, that... maybe, you 'n me, we should, um..." He trailed off and his ears got pink. He couldn't look at me. "Uh, well..."
"Just be friends?" I asked softly.
His head dropped a little and he glanced sideways. "Yeah. I do like you, that's the thing. You're a really cool person. Like, there's times I really want you to be my boyfriend. But the feelin' kinda comes and goes, and I don't know why. Maybe I'm more scared of all this than I thought. All I know is, something don't feel right, and it ain't fair to you. You deserve somebody who knows what they want."
I nodded. "I get it."
He looked over at me then, earnestly. His hands twisted on the steering wheel. "I feel like a real asshole. But I don't think it's right to lead somebody on, and—"
"It's okay, Pete. I really do understand." Better than you'll ever know. "You're a good guy. Being your friend is good enough for me."
He took a deeper breath, some of the tension relaxing in his face. "You sure?"
I summoned the warmest, calmest smile I could. "You bet. So the next time you're in town, or just want to hang out or whatever, give me a call." I grabbed my backpack and scooted toward the open passenger door.
"I will," he said as I slid out.
With my feet on the ground I could only just see up over the bench. "Thanks again for today. Drive safe on the way home, okay?" I pushed the door shut and went up onto the porch. From there, I gave him a wave.
He waved in response, and backed the truck out of the driveway. I stood at the top of the steps and kept waving and smiling until he was out of sight.
Then my arm dropped to my side. That was it, then. I'd had two dates, a perfect first kiss... I didn't regret them. I was lucky to have had those moments with someone like Pete. Lucky that he was such an honest, good-hearted person, gentle and respectful to the end. He'd been able to sit next to me and my screwed up pheromones and not only control himself, but also find the discipline to break things off, for my sake, because he sensed it wasn't real.
He was amazing.
But I wouldn't get to have him.
I sank down onto the top porch step and put my hands on my knees. This was better. Pete should have a relationship he was meant for, not a chemically-induced attraction that never would've come naturally. This way, I didn't have to explain that I was moving out of state. This way, he wouldn't miss me when I was gone.
I bent and put my forehead on my knees, on top of my hands.
No one will miss me.
That was the truth, wasn't it? The only person in the world that I mattered to was Maddy. So it only made sense to follow her, because where else was I going to go? And what kind of selfish ass would I be to wish that someone here—Pete, Mom, anyone—would suddenly start caring, right when I was going to disappear anyway?
I was supposed to be alone. Actually, I was pretty sure I wasn't supposed to exist. So what did it matter if no one cared?
I realized I was crying when I felt a big, warm hand on my back. The smell of cloves and lemon filled my senses, and I didn't bother asking why he was here. I curled up into his chest until I was tucked beneath his chin, surrounded by his arms. The smooth cotton of his hoodie rubbed my cheek.
Ezra didn't say a word. He held me and moved a hand slowly up and down my back.
There was a serenity to his presence that turned out to be exactly what I needed. It immersed my emotions like a lullaby, even though he hadn't made a sound. It didn't lift the sadness, but made it more bearable, somehow. Maybe it was one of those psychic things he could do, being part angel and all? After a few minutes, I was able to breathe without the air getting caught on the sadness in my chest.
And it occurred to me that Ezra had never done anything quite like this for me before. I was used to him hovering. Showing up to check on me, maybe rescue me if he felt like it, and then running off. Hell, there'd been plenty of things he hadn't seen fit to save me from, like all those times Tyler and his buddies beat the shit out of me for amusement.
Comfort wasn't exactly a service he'd offered up to now. Or rather, up until earlier this week, when he'd used his heartbeat to put me to sleep. The only other time he'd held me like this—other than in my dreams—was right after that horrible night with Felix.
"Maddy called it," I said shakily into the front of his hoodie. He gave a questioning grunt, and I raised my head. "You've been watching me all day, haven't you? You didn't have to do that. I kept the watch on the whole time. And the damn spray."
"Yes." He met my eyes. "And I know what it cost you."
Ah, shit, why'd he have to go and say that? I felt my chin starting to tremble and had to duck so he wouldn't see. His fingers rose and fell once on my shoulder.
"I'm sorry, Connor. You really liked him."
I shook my head, willing back tears. "It's not that. I mean, Pete was great, but I wasn't ever gonna be right for him." I straightened, and Ezra loosened his arm around me so I could wipe my face. "It just feels like that was the closest I'm ever going to get. I'll never get another shot at feeling that way again."
"Sure you will."
"How? I'm going to spend the rest of my life in hiding."
"No, you won't." A hint of fire entered his expression. "I'm going to cure you."
"You can't be sure of that." A pause, during which he didn't contradict me. I sighed heavily. "I just wish I knew, did somebody do this to me on purpose? Or am I a mistake? A freak accident?"
I heard him inhale, and turned to see he'd closed his eyes. His features were pinched as if in pain.
"Yeah, you can't tell me, I know. It's okay."
But he shook his head. "My people," he said after a moment, "don't believe in accidents."
"What does that mean?"
"Nothing happens that God doesn't know about. There's nothing God can't change. Since choosing not to change something is as much a conscious decision as changing it, nothing can ever be an accident."
I followed the logic, but it was based on some pretty huge assumptions. Starting with the idea that God even existed. "I don't think I believe in God."
"You didn't believe in angels either."
Well, okay, he had me there.
"Nephilim are descendants of angels. Most of us have never met or seen one, but we know they exist, because we exist. Angels are the soldiers and servants of God. If they exist, God must too."
That was an uncomfortable line of reasoning.
"When irrational, unintended things happen, regardless whether they're good or bad—we have to assume God chose them."
"If that's true, God's a real dick."
Instead of looking offended, Ezra just inclined his head. "Could be." Then he laid a hand on my knee, very lightly, like he was worried he might hurt me. "But if you're not an accident, then... maybe you're something else."
"Like what?"
A pound of sugar, wrapped in paper packaging, suddenly dropped between us onto the porch. We looked up to see Maddy standing over us with a spoon.
"Got a text from Mom," she said, seemingly not the least bit surprised to see Ezra sitting out here with me. "She's on her way home, you might want to skedaddle." She pointed the spoon at the sugar bag. "Take this. Connor loaded our pantry with them after your last visit."
Ezra gave me a curious look, and I felt my face turning red. He moved his hand from my knee to the sugar, picked it up and hefted it in appreciation. He accepted the spoon from Maddy, but his eyes were on me. "Thank you."
That made the burn in my cheeks worse. "You should go."
"Mm." He stood, and held out a hand to help me up. But then he wouldn't let go until I looked up at him.
"What you did today took courage, Connor." His black eyes pinned me intently, so that all of a sudden I couldn't breathe. After a moment, he bent and kissed my forehead.
Okay. Maybe all those reapplications of his formula had been worth it. I might have lost Pete, but if it had earned me this...
My eyelids fluttered closed, the sensation of his lips against my skin blanking out every thought in my head. My lungs forgot how to take in air, so my heart was left flopping uselessly behind my ribs like a fish out of water. Speechless, I could only gape as Ezra strode off toward the tree in our front yard. A big black motorcycle was parked underneath it.
He put the sugar into a saddlebag, swung a leg over, and pulled a large black helmet over his head. He tilted the bike upright and turned it on. It barely made a sound, bursting into a soft purr like a happy cat.
Huh. That had to be Nephilim technology. Or maybe Ezra was muffling the noise with his powers, because I'd never heard a bike so quiet. He raised a hand, prompting Maddy and me to wave back.
The bike rolled forward, but instead of heading for the road Ezra rode the opposite way, across our dirt-packed lawn, toward the empty field that bordered our property. When he reached the waist-high yellow grass, the front wheel of the bike reared up. Suddenly all of him blurred into an indistinct dark blob that trembled in the air for a moment, then streaked away along the top of the grass.
"Damn!" Maddy exclaimed. "What the hell was that?"
I didn't know either. It had almost seemed like the bike was floating. But it had also been going impossibly fast, impossibly quietly. If Ezra was doing all that with his psychic abilities, it was no wonder he went into sugar crash afterward.
I stared out across the field and prayed. Get home safe.