Miracle - Chapter 34: Chapter 34

He'd left me.
I sat on the sofa in the living room, staring at the formula simmering on the coffee table. Oh God, what had I just done? Ezra had been so freaked out by the way I'd come on to him, he'd walked out. What had I been thinking?
My eyes spilled over a couple of times, because I couldn't seem to get my heart rate under control. I'd heard the door lock as he left, but here I was in his apartment alone, with my blood pumping a mile a minute and my unfulfilled arousal a likely siren song to every Nephilim in this damn building. If anybody decided to bust down the door right now, I had no hope of stopping them.
I'm sorry, I thought to Ezra desperately. I didn't mean to do that. I wanted to beg him to come back, but that wouldn't be fair. I was a pheromone bomb right now. All I could do was sit here, tears streaking my face, and pray. Please don't be mad. Please, I... I won't do it again.
I was such an asshole. I'd chased Ezra out of his own home. After everything he'd done for me, I'd tried to exploit his biological weakness for my Eljo pheromones. But he didn't like me that way, any more than I liked the Swan. If the Swan had done something like this while I was living in his house, I'd have felt so humiliated. So disgusted with myself, and with him too. And there's no way I'd have been able to hold myself back like Ezra just did.
Wasn't this the same thing I'd done to Pete? Using my body's screwed up chemistry to lure someone who wasn't actually into me. Not only had I failed to learn my lesson the first time, I'd pushed it even farther. And I'd done it to the most important person in my life.
Fuck.
I stumbled back down the hall, found my cell phone, and dialed.
"Hey, bubba!"
"Maddy." I sank into a crouch on the bedroom carpet, holding the phone hard to my ear.
"Connor? Are you okay? What's the matter?"
"I screwed up, Maddy. I really fucking screwed up, and now he's gone, and I don't know what to do."
"Whoa, back up a sec. Who's gone? Ezra?"
"Yeah." I smeared my teary face on the knee of my sweatpants, then dropped back onto my butt on the floor.
"Where are you?"
"At home. His home, I mean, I— I don't know, maybe he won't be letting me stay here anymore."
"You're there alone?"
"I told you, he left."
"That bastard, he's the one who said it was dangerous for you to be there by yourself."
"It's not his fault. I... I kissed him."
"Dude! Seriously?" She squealed so loudly I had to pull the phone away from my ear. "Dang, bubba, good for you!"
"No, this is bad. Really bad! I'm Eljo!"
"So what? That just makes it hotter."
"No! Ezra, he... He doesn't think of me like that. And I knew that, but still, I— And he was so upset. He stopped me, and I know it was awful for him, and now he's gone and I... God, fuck, what am I going to do?"
"Hey. Hey, calm down."
"He says he can't love me, Maddy." I don't think I'd realized, until I heard myself sob a little, that it was what hurt the most.
She got quiet for a minute. "Well... I mean, Ms. Alorel says Nephilim fall in love with whoever they marry. Like, human emotions are complicated, and we fall in and out of love all the time for all sorts of stupid reasons. But for Nephilim it's this mental switch that flips when they get married. They fall for their Brides, hardcore. Doesn't matter who she is, what she looks like, what her flaws are, they're gonna adore her for the rest of their lives. Long after she dies, even. But because of that, and because survival of their species is such a big deal, the law only lets them marry Elioud."
Then it was true, Ezra could never have feelings for me. I felt the back of my throat aching. Tears slid down my face when I closed my eyes.
"But Connor, Nephilim have lovers all the time. Well, I guess technically you can't call them lovers, but look, Nephilim can sleep with whoever. Elioud, humans, Eljo, even each other if they want. They're a lot less uptight about sex than we are. And..."
"And what?" She had to know this wasn't making me feel better.
"Well, I hear a lot of Brides don't mind if their husbands have connections on the side. Their, um, appetites are a lot to keep up with."
"Maddy!" Did she think that's what I wanted to be to Ezra?
But then, what was the alternative? If he couldn't love me—like, ever—then being a sexual diversion was the closest to him I would ever get. His people were going to force him to marry. So like it or not, I was going to watch him fall in love with someone else. His Bride was going to give birth to his babies. And when one of those kids was born a boy, I would die.
By then, how much would he even care? He'd have a bunch of other people much deeper in his heart, while the most I could hope for was... well, to be the family pet.
Honestly, what the hell was I thinking? I covered my mouth because I was for real crying now, and I didn't want her to hear.
"I'm sorry, bubba," my sister was saying earnestly.
I shook my head, trying to make my voice sound normal. "No, you know what, it's okay. I... I'm going to go. Talk to you later."
"Connor..."
I hung up, self-loathing swelling painfully in my chest. What business did I have pining after anybody, much less Ezra? Both our futures were already decided. I was an idiot. An immature kid, just like he'd said.
The sound of the front door beeping brought me to my feet. Cursing, I wiped my face and went running to the hall. "Ezra?"
I pulled up short when I saw Ruth stepping into the entryway, in a dark green skirt suit and wide-brimmed hat, like she'd just come from church. She had a black satchel over her arm, which she set on the breakfast bar as she eyed Ezra's bubbling formula on the coffee table with exasperation. Then she turned that look on me, and surveyed me up and down. "Good evening."
"I, um... good evening, ma'am. Ezra's not home right now."
"Yes, I know, he called. Said something urgent had come up at the institute?" She cocked her head. Shit, I was sure she could tell I'd been crying. "He was concerned about leaving you alone, so I'll be staying the night."
Wait. He'd sent his big sister to babysit? Or pet sit, or whatever...
The way she was eyeing me made me feel even more self-conscious. Like she was wondering if I'd really been blubbering about being left by myself. My nose was running, which wasn't making me appear any less pathetic. I ran my hand under it and sniffed. "Uh, okay. I'll go change the sheets on the bed, and—"
"No need, the sofa will be fine. However, I must insist we both retire right away. It's late, and I'll be escorting you to school at five A.M. sharp."
Then... Ezra wasn't coming back in the morning? I felt my stomach sink all the way to the floor. I stood there while Ruth stepped over to the coffee table, and shook her head at the brewing pink concoction. "Oh, for Heaven's sake," she muttered, and started to nudge the table away from the sofa with her foot.
"I can do it, ma'am," I said and sprang into the room, getting a grip on the apparatus that had started to wobble. I carried each piece to the breakfast bar and put it back in exactly the same configuration, the flask of liquid three inches above the burner. After a few adjustments I took my hands away and held my breath. The formula started simmering again.
"Is that going to go all night?" Ruth asked.
"I, um... I don't know, he didn't tell me." And he wasn't likely to talk to me right now.
She sighed. "Never mind, I'll find out. Off to bed with you."
I didn't sleep, though. My stomach hurt and my guts felt like they were filled with broken glass. I laid in bed staring at the Star Wars poster on the wall, rocked by a nauseating roller coaster of emotions. Shame. Fear. I replayed the whole encounter over and over in my head, every breathless kiss, every sensation, every tiny shift in Ezra's facial expressions, sometimes with horror and sometimes with guilt-ridden glee. I had a flash or two of existential anger, because life was so fucking unfair. Then was struck with remorse for being angry, because Ezra hadn't asked for this any more than I had. I cried some more. I gazed numbly at the ceiling. I closed my eyes only to hear him saying I can't be around you right now.
Please come home tomorrow, I finally thought to him desperately, around three in the morning. I can go live at the institute from now on, okay? I won't bother you anymore. I'm really sorry, Ezra.
I guess I was hoping for a thump from the watch, something to let me know he'd accepted my apology. Nothing happened.
I rolled over for the jillionth time and stuck my face into the pillow. Where was he right now? Was he sleeping at the lab? If he was asleep, the lack of reply might not mean he hated me. Or was he just so pissed that he was going to give me the silent treatment?
I was up and dressed long before five, but waited for Ruth to knock so I wouldn't catch her off guard as she was getting ready. She seemed startled by how quickly I opened the bedroom door. "Breakfast," she said.
I followed her toward the kitchen. "Sure, I can do that, it'll just take a few..." I trailed off upon seeing the plate of avocado toast on the counter. Whoa. She'd made breakfast for me? That was... not something I was used to. I looked over at her uncertainly.
"Well, don't just stand there, young man, you've got five minutes until we leave."
"Yes, ma'am." As I wolfed the toast down with the glass of milk she'd poured for me, I noticed that the bunsen burner had been turned off.  The flask of pink liquid was missing from the apparatus. I swallowed a little too fast. "What happened to Ezra's formula?"
"He said to throw it away."
"What? But the Sw—" I bit back the name just in time. I didn't know how much Ezra had told his sister, and I definitely didn't want to get the Swan in trouble after everything else. But this couldn't be good. My screw up last night must have ruined the batch.
Ruth tapped the counter in front of me. "Hurry up."
I took the second piece of toast and stood up, sliding my backpack onto my shoulder. "We can go."
School was unnervingly normal. Well, as normal as being the only boy at an all-girls academy could get. I was avoided and whispered about and glared at. For some reason, it bothered me more than last week. A lot more, to the point where I was unexpectedly tearing up at stupid moments. What the fuck was wrong with me? I was more sensitive than my sister, sure, but I'd never cried this much, or felt so completely out of control.
It only got worse when Maddy noticed, and kept trying to get me to talk about what happened with Ezra. As if reliving it out loud was going to make anything better.
"Shut up!" I finally snapped, halting traffic in the classroom doorway as we were leaving Algebra to go to lunch. Her eyes went wide, and I had to pant to catch my breath. The girls behind us were staring, which made me even angrier. "Just leave me alone, okay? Just—agh!"
I pushed past her into the corridor and stalked for the stairs, not really sure where I was going since everyone was headed to the dining hall. But I was crawling out of my skin with frustration. Everything was a mess. I was a mess. I wasn't supposed to be here.
I wasn't supposed to be anywhere.
I broke into a run because I heard her chasing after me, and when I got to the base of the stairs I dove into the janitor's closet, the one Grace had trapped me in on Friday. I couldn't explain it, normally Maddy was the one I wanted to talk to when I was feeling like crap. But I couldn't handle it. I didn't want to hear any more about the Nephilim's permissive sex lives, or their psychological hang-ups around love or marriage or whatever. I didn't want to sit at lunch with Olivia and Jordan and listen to Jordan gush about Ezra. Especially since she had more of a chance at being with him than I ever would.
I hated it here. I hated this place, these people, the Nephilim and all their fucked up societal kinks. I hated my fucked up body for attracting all the wrong people, in all the wrong ways. I hated myself for being weak and selfish and a fucking useless waste of space.
I wanted to hate Ezra too. He was the reason I was here. He was the reason my chest hurt, and my heart felt like it was being crushed. But he was like a black hole in the center of all my other feelings. No matter how hard I tried to focus on all the reasons I ought to despise him, he was untouchable.
He was the only person I wanted to see right now.
Maddy was outside in the hall, calling my name. I gritted my teeth and willed her to go away. At this rate I was just going to end up making her hate me too.
"Come on, Maddy, your brother's being a jerk. To hell with him, let's go eat."
"No, guys, something's really wrong. Connor's never like this!"
"Maybe it's his time of the month."
"Stop it, Tori, that's not funny."
"Maddy, babe, it's gonna be fine. Let's go to the dining hall, that's probably where he went."
"You think?"
"Let's check it out, okay?"
I heard their voices fade. And once they were gone, I was at a loss. Now what? My stomach was empty and aching, but food wasn't going to help. Was I going to sit in a broom closet for the rest of the day? I was too restless. I needed to be someplace where I could, I don't know... run. Or hit things. Scream at the top of my lungs.
I opened the closet door, and the hall was empty. So I left out the back door of the building, crossing the neatly trimmed grass in the opposite direction of the dining hall.
Somehow I ended up at the broad glass doors of the athletic center. Then I was inside the echoing expanse of the gym, which was completely silent except for the squeak of my sneakers on the shiny maple flooring.
All the equipment for the after-school clubs was neatly stacked and stored along the walls, on shelves and in baskets. I ran my fingers along the rack of fencing foils that Maddy's club used. A blocky wedge thing caught my eye. I'd seen the parkour club vaulting over it in their courses. I tried running up the side of it, and found it steeper than it looked. I kicked a fabric bin of basketballs, which didn't do much but bruise my toe. Then I socked a dangling punching bag, and got satisfaction from the way it thunked and swung.
Hey, not bad. I hit it again.
"You're going to break your hand, Eljo boy."
I whirled around to see Grace behind me, sucking on the straw of a juice box. She was in her school uniform, with the knee-length skirt shortened to mid-thigh and her blazer tied lazily around her waist by its sleeves. It was a style she was bound to get in trouble for. She smirked at the swinging bag. "If that were a person's skull, you'd have fractured knuckles."
"Fuck off, Grace. I'm not in the mood."
Instead of getting pissed, though, her plum-colored lips curled with delight. "Ooh, is someone having a bad day?"
I started to walk off, but she slapped me in the chest with a hand. "Hold up, you're not leaving 'til you tell me what your sponsor said. You promised you'd talk to him."
"It's not a good time," I muttered bitterly.
She got in my face, up on her toes. "You better not back out, asshole."
I pushed her arm away. "Your father is Dr. Sarias, right? He works at Elioud Biogenesis?"
"What do you care?"
"Did you know he's friends with Ezra?"
"Is not."
"Is too. Your dad's the one Ezra put in charge of experimenting on me."
Her black-lined eyes narrowed. "What?"
"Yeah. Sounds like they've been buddies for a couple decades. So before I went telling Ezra about your lady problems, I thought you'd want to know."
She hissed through her teeth. Then her fist popped out and struck the bag that was dangling by my ear.
I barely managed to dodge. "Jesus! What the hell?"
Her face had recomposed itself. "Okay. Here's what we're gonna do. I'm going to give you a version of my test results that has my name and stuff blacked out. You're gonna show it to him and ask what I need to do. Just say it's for a friend at school."
"Oh, so we're friends now?"
"You wish."
"No, I don't."
We stood glaring at each other, until finally she tossed her head. "All right, how about this? You get your sponsor to help me—without telling him who I am—and I'll teach you how to throw a real punch. One that will actually hurt the other guy."
I was going to retort that I wasn't interested. But I found myself thinking of Grace in club practice. Fast, sharp, and unquestionably dangerous. She was even smaller than I was, but I found it hard to imagine guys like Tyler and his friends getting the drop on her.
Could I really learn how to do that?
"Well?"
I crossed my arms. "Okay. Teach me to punch, I'll show Ezra your tests. But if you want to hear his answer, you'll have to show me more."
"Like what?"
"That thing you did the other day, when you knocked me down." I kicked a little at her ankle to demonstrate. "And if you want more info out of him, you'll keep showing me stuff. That's the deal. I help you with Ezra, you teach me to fight."
She snorted. "You're serious?"
"Yeah."
She chewed her lower lip for a second. "Okay. Let's do it." Then she slurped the rest of her juice box, crunched it in her hand, and pitched it at my head.
I ducked, and it hit the wall behind me. "Hey!"
"Don't be a wuss. Give me your hand."
"Why?"
"If you're going to learn how to hit, Eljo, you have to be able to make a decent fist. Hurry up, we've only got until the end of lunch."
Grace wasn't a gentle or encouraging teacher, but with the mood I was in that suited me just fine. She forced my hand into the right shape, pinching my thumb into place and mocking me for squeezing so tight. Then we went through proper wrist alignment. She had me hit the bag again, this time with each hand. She shook her head and did it herself, much harder and faster.
It was only maybe thirty minutes, but by the time the bell rang my upper arms were sore. She knew it, too. "Damn, you're a wimp. You want to be able to do this right, you're going to have to practice. Wouldn't hurt you to lift some weights, either."
"Can you show me?"
"Nope, I've got class."
"After school then. Meet me here."
"Fine. I have practice anyway. But I'm emailing you the test results this afternoon, and you better hold up your end of the bargain."
"I will." Once Ezra was speaking to me again, anyhow. If that ever happened. I tried not to let my apprehension show as I rolled the sleeves of my track suit back down, and watched Grace flounce out of the gym.
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Grace turned up at the gym as promised, after the last bell. Maddy gave me an incredulous look when I said I was going to go lift weights with her sour-faced dorm mate. Maddy and I had made up after lunch, but I didn't feel like sitting on the sidelines watching her fencing club, with nothing to do but dread the moment the school Directress showed up to take me home.
I couldn't let Ruth take me back to Ezra's. Ezra had the right to live in his own apartment in peace. I had to get her to drop me off at the institute instead. But thinking about it was making me hollow and depressed.
So for now I followed Grace up to the weights area, which was on a balcony that ran the periphery of the gym. She explained how the equipment was organized into circuits, then showed me three different lifts with the free weights, all for my upper arms, chest, and back.
"Three sets of ten," she ordered. "Don't lock your elbows, keep your back straight, if it's not hard you're not doing it right. Wait thirty seconds between sets, and you're gonna do fifteen pushups in between each exercise. The real kind, not those pansy ones with your knees on the floor, got it?"
I nodded understanding, and she blew a chunk of hair out of her eyes. "I'll be up between rounds to check on you. You better not be half-assing it."
She went down the stairs, and I picked up the ten pound weights she'd picked out for me. So, bicep curls first. I felt gangly and weird trying to hold my elbow in the right position while moving the weight up and down. But after about five repetitions it did start getting difficult. The thirty second rest didn't feel long enough, but I wanted to show Grace I was serious. I made it through the second set, and Grace came up the stairs during the third. She chided me for hunching too much, poked me in the spine and went downstairs again.
Pushups. I had always hated pushups, but I felt motivated to get through them. I could channel all my frustration and disgust with myself into something that at least felt, I don't know, purposeful. After that I did tricep extensions, more pushups, and upright rows.
I barely made it through the last ones, but Grace had come back upstairs to watch me with her scornful glare, so I clenched my teeth and got them done. I dropped the weights heavily, earning an indignant huff.
"Don't treat the equipment like that."
"Sorry."
"You always sweat that much?"
I nodded, trying to wipe the sting out of my eyes.
"Gross. You can't shower here so I guess it'll have to wait until you get home. It's five thirty, I'm outta here. You get my email?"
"Yeah."
"Don't forget your part of the deal." She disappeared downstairs again, and I collapsed on the mat, wheezing. My blood was pounding and my face and neck were sticky. My vision was pulsing with little starry illusions, like even my eyeballs weren't used to that much exertion.
I closed my eyes as the draft from the overhead fans swept my body. At least I was too tired to be sad right now. But the gym was emptying, and Ruth hadn't come. She probably didn't know where to find me, actually, so I was going to have to go look for her. It was either that or spend the night on the weight room floor.
I was working on convincing my muscles to help me sit up, when my watch buzzed. I lifted my wrist, expecting to see a water droplet icon flashing at me, but this screen was something new. A text message.
Ezra: I'm outside.
I sat up then, fast enough to make me dizzy. You're here to pick me up?
A thump.
I'll be right there. It'll just take a second, okay? Wait for me.
I got to my feet, grabbed my backpack by the weight rack, and went running down the stairs and out of the athletic center. I crossed the lawn to the main driveway, but as my feet hit the asphalt it occurred to me that I was probably spewing pheromones like a lawn sprinkler, with my blood pumping like this and sweat coating my skin.
Shit.
I had to calm down before I saw him. What if he ran from me again?
I forced myself into a walk, taking deep breaths and focusing on making them even. But it was pretty much impossible to contain my nerves the closer I got to the front gates of the school.
I stopped behind them, and I could see Ezra's black motorcycle parked out in the street. He waved me toward him, and I shook my head. My hairline was still dripping.
Hang on a sec. I pulled my track jacket off and dropped it on the ground, then elbowed out of my t-shirt and used it to mop up my face and neck. I tossed the shirt into my backpack, put the jacket back on, and redid my ponytail tighter.
It wasn't going to be enough. I was hot and sticky, and my pulse was still so loud in my ears I couldn't hear the street traffic. I closed my eyes, hugged my arms across my stomach, and tried to conjure up the blue meditation circle he'd taught me. Inhale to the count of seven. Exhale to the count of five.
It was so much easier to calm down when I wasn't desperate to calm down.
My watch thumped.
Ezra: Come on out.
I bit the inside of my lip. Put my school ID in front of the card reader and let the gates swing apart. Walked toward him carefully, and stopped several feet away. He still had his helmet on, so I couldn't see his face, but he held a hand out.
"It's okay, Connor."
"I, uh... I was exercising earlier."
"I know."
"I'm not sure that I should, um..."
"I want to show you something." He reached into one of his bike's saddlebags and pulled out a spray bottle. It was about half full of pink liquid. He pushed the visor of his helmet up, and his gaze was reassuringly warm, if a little cautious.
I walked toward him, astonished. "Is that... But Ruth said you said to throw it away!"
"This is something new."
Now that I was closer, I could see the stuff he held was a darker, more intense pink than usual. "It's still a pheromone blocker?"
"Yes, but I activated it with superheating. It should work better, and last longer."
"How long?"
"Six, maybe eight hours."
I dropped my backpack on the ground and spread my arms. "Spray me."
"It needs testing—"
"I'm Elioud Biogenesis property." And yours, too. I'd managed not to say it out loud, but he heard it. Even with the helmet covering the lower part of his face, I could see him flinch.
Crap. I took a step back. Stupid, stupid! Was I a complete moron?
He slid the bottle into the front of his hoodie. "Let's go to the lab first. Climb on."
I gulped. No way was that safe.
He unstrapped the second helmet from the rear seat and held it out. "It's only three blocks."
But I'm bad for you. I make you feel stuff you don't want, and—
"Connor. Get on the bike." His tone made it clear it was not up for discussion. I took the helmet from him gingerly, and did my best to get my leg up and over the seat without touching him any more than I had to. I kept my knees spread wide so my legs wouldn't contact his, and instead of putting arms around his middle I gripped the back of the seat behind me with both hands.
He turned over his shoulder like he was going to say something. But he must have thought better of it, because he kicked the bike into gear without a word. I gave a grunt of effort as we pulled away from the curb, and fought the instinct to clamp his hips with my legs.
Once we were moving, it wasn't so difficult. I was able to hold on without much trouble, even around the turns. I think he might have been taking them at wider angles to make it easier for me. But was he okay? Just because he had more self-control than a human didn't mean I wasn't bothering him by being this close.
I closed my eyes against the air rushing around us, and tried not to let my chin tremble. I was tired, and my arms and chest muscles were starting to ache from all the punishment earlier. But I wasn't going to make things harder for Ezra than I had to. I wasn't going to hug him, or rest my head on his back. I couldn't do that stuff anymore, it wasn't fair.
If I stayed at the lab from now on, would I still be allowed to go to school with Maddy? Probably not. I was only going right now because Ezra couldn't leave me unattended at his apartment. So... that meant today had been my last day. I probably wouldn't ever see Grace again, either. Though I had her email address, so I might still be able to keep my promise to her.
Those three blocks felt like they took a lifetime.