Miracle - Chapter 39: Chapter 39

I was dressed. Jeans, t-shirt with the NASA logo, my leather pheromone-blocking bomber jacket, socks and suede hiking boots. And a thick, lumpy menstrual pad stuck to the inside of my boxer briefs, that was presently trying to wedge itself into my buttcrack. How did girls tolerate these things?
I'd been left to myself to process, but I wasn't doing a very good job of it. I couldn't settle on a reaction to the news that I had extra body parts on the inside, body parts that weren't supposed to be mine. Parts that were a foundation for every other human being's basic identity.
Who was I, then? What was I? Being Eljo was bad enough, but I didn't know where to start with this intersex thing.
People had been calling me girly for as long as I could remember, usually as an insult, and I'd chalked it up to homophobia. What if they'd been sensing something deeper? What if, somehow, they'd known that I was some kind of... creepy hybrid?
I was a boy. I felt like a boy. I was shaped like a boy, at least in the places that counted.
But I had never fit in with other boys, had I? I had never been as much of a boy as people expected. I'd told myself it was because of my sexuality, but now I wasn't so sure.
I wasn't a girl, though. Even if I had girl parts in me, that didn't make me a girl. I knew who I was, damn it. I was a boy, with... with a uterus.
Aw, fuck me.
What was I supposed to do with that?
A knock came at the door, and then it cracked open. "Connor, it's me. Can I come in?"
I couldn't answer. Half of me still felt angry with Ezra. But now it was mixed with a heavy dose of embarrassment, and fear. I was tired, and I hurt, and he was still my instinctive safe place. I didn't know whether I wanted to ice him out or crawl into his arms.
He entered the room cautiously, closing the door and wheeling the ultrasound cart out of the way. He sat on the rolling stool, keeping his distance from my perch on the exam table. I looked around, but he was by himself.
"If you'd rather talk to Bo, I'll go get him," he said.
I shrugged. I didn't prefer Dr. Sarias at all, but pride wouldn't allow me to admit it.
"We've been going over the options. There are a few, but we have to decide quickly. Your sepsis is getting worse."
I picked at a loose thread on the hem of my shirt.
"You need surgery. The question is, do we simply enlarge the cervical sinus and drain the infection... or do we do a hysterectomy?"
Looking up, I found him watching me intensely.
"Connor, you need to understand the danger you're in. Elioud Biogenesis already considers you an invaluable research asset. But if they find out about this, you'll be..." He took a breath. "Pet license be damned, they'll find a way to take you away from me. They'll cut you up and harvest your insides like treasure. You'll be... you can't imagine the things they'll do."
I swallowed.
"I can't let that happen, Connor. A hysterectomy will protect you. But Bo is refusing to do the procedure without your permission."
A spark of indignation flared in my chest. "So if it was up to you, you'd do it no matter what I say?"
He didn't look away. "Yes."
"It's my fucking body."
No response. Fury welled up in my chest.
"What gives you the right? None of this would be happening to me if it weren't for you! You made me Eljo. You brought me into this fucked up town, where everyone sees me as a science experiment. You screw around with me when you feel like it, dump me on your sister and the Swan and Dr. Sarias when you feel like it, get all homicidal when you think somebody else is fucking me, and then think you can remove my internal organs just on your say-so? You are such an asshole!"
After about three full seconds of silence, he replied simply, "You're mine."
His tone was so soft, so full of emotion, that I felt the air catch in my lungs. It wasn't a power trip. There was no arrogance or dominance in the statement. He'd said it like an apology.
Like a promise.
"I want to see Maddy," I spluttered.
"Are you going to tell her?"
I gave him a dirty glare. "Whether I do or not, it's my business."
He nodded slowly. "I can give you antibiotics, they should curb the infection for a while. But I can only buy you twenty-four hours. You have to make your decision by then, or..."
"Or you guys will cut me open and do whatever you want anyway." I slid off the end of the table, cringing at the feel of the bulky pad squished between my legs. "I want out of here."
🧬🧬🧬
Ezra took me back to his apartment. I guess with everything that was going on, he was afraid if he sent me to the Swan's house I'd blab my bizarre story around. I wasn't that stupid, though.
I knew he was right. If the Nephilim found out about my extra set of equipment, I'd be in a heap of trouble. Reproduction was their religion. Their "highest calling," as Ms. Alorel put it. They'd take all they could from my fucked up body.
Maybe they'd try to make me pregnant. Maybe they'd try cloning me, growing hundreds of children made out of my genetic material in test tubes. Maybe they'd mix my sperm and eggs together to see what kind of unnatural, inbred offspring would result. Ezra said I couldn't imagine it, but I was a sci-fi nerd... I had a pretty good imagination.
What I hadn't anticipated was how weird Ezra started acting, as soon as we got to his house. He carried me from the parking garage up to the front door, and then to the bedroom. Spent an unreasonable amount of time fluffing pillows, tucking blankets, selecting a cocktail of pills for me to take. Then he decided tap water was too impure for medicine-taking, disappeared into the kitchen, and returned fifteen minutes later with a glass of ice cold water that I suspected he'd distilled himself using his Nephilim powers.
It tasted flat and I didn't like it, but I swallowed the pills so that he'd stop overreacting. He came back into the bedroom with a tray—I think it was the cookie sheet he used for his home experiments—and on it he had a dish of chocolate ice cream, a bowl of potato chips, a teapot and what looked like a large bean bag.
He set it on the nightstand, poured tea into a coffee mug, then picked up the bean bag and laid it carefully over my stomach. It was giving off heat.
"What's this?"
"It should help with the cramps. Drink this, it's supposed to help too." The mug was pressed into my hand. "I brought some sanitary pads from the Institute, but they're uncomfortable. As soon as I can I'll go to the store for better ones."
"It's a period," I said in exasperation. "Women have been having them every single month since the dawn of time. I'll think I'll survive."
Ezra urged the mug to my lips, his face troubled. "If we hadn't caught this when we did, it would have killed you."
"Maybe that wouldn't have been such a bad thing."
"Connor!"
I pushed him and his ridiculous period tea away. "Just leave me alone."
He left, and I felt a little guilty for being so mean. But he deserved it. He was such a hypocrite. A couple days ago he hadn't wanted anything to do with me, and all of a sudden he was Mother Teresa over a stupid period? He'd said himself that he would take out my reproductive organs—well, half of them—without my consent if he could. What was I to him, anyway? A pet? A piece of furniture? A guilty responsibility?
More like a really stupid mistake.
I tipped my head back on the stack of pillows and sighed. The medicine was kicking in, and I felt a bit woozy. I lay there drifting in a state of middle consciousness for a while, until the door burst open and my sister landed on top of me in a flurried hug.
"Bubba, bubba, oh my God. If you don't stop scaring me like this I'm going to murder you!"
"Oof! Maddy... knee. Stomach. Ow."
"Oh. Sorry." She wriggled back, but kept on hugging me for a while. I hugged back, grateful for the comforting, familiar feel of her arms. This, at least, was something normal.
"Ezra won't tell me what's going on," she complained into my neck. "All he said was you wanted to see me. I'm gonna claw his eyes out, I swear to God. Are you okay? Tell me who I need to kill."
"You don't have to kill anybody, sis. I'm okay." I patted her back. "They found a problem, and I have to have surgery, but after that I'll be fine."
She pushed back to look me in the face. "What surgery? Why?"
"I, uh..."
It took about three minutes to explain it to her, and another twenty to convince her it wasn't a joke. She seemed to come around to the idea eventually, though. And then her reaction was nothing like what I'd expected.
"Connor, this is freaking amazeballs. Finally, there's a man in this world who knows what we women go through! Oh my God, remember that nasty speech Ms. Zavebas made on your first day at school? 'Unless your reproductive system bleeds every month, you are not qualified to be in my class.' Ha-hah! Imagine the look on her prissy face if she knew."
Okay, that did cheer me up. "This doesn't weird you out?"
"'Course not! Connor, this doesn't change who you are. I mean, shit, it's been part of you all along. It's kinda like you have a hidden superpower. You're a unicorn! I bet you're a few million years ahead of the rest of us. What if someday all of us have all the parts? Then things like sexism, and homophobia, and the whole blue for boys, pink for girls thing will be poof, gone."
I smiled, just a little. "Ezra said he'd read a case study about someone like me. So I might not be the first."
"Seriously? Can we look it up?"
I got my tablet out and we ran the question through NANO, the Nephilim search engine. There were three results. One was an article from a gossip column, marveling at the story of "Rick"—they were careful to note that wasn't his real name—who lived in the UK and learned he had ovaries and a uterus because there was blood in his urine.
A medical paper was more helpful. It described a thirty-seven year old male patient with persistent Müllerian duct syndrome, a rare intersex condition.
"Hey look, they even have a name for it!" Maddy pointed out.
They'd written a paper about this guy because he hadn't experienced the usual undescended testes or hernias, nor was he infertile like most people affected by the syndrome. The doctors hypothesized it might be because of the presence of ovaries as well, though they never got to confirm it because the patient opted for an immediate hysterectomy.
There was another short article from a news outlet in India. A man being treated for testicular cancer was discovered to possess a set of female reproductive organs inside his body, including one ovary that had developed in place of a testes. That man had died, so all the information the doctors had was limited to their observations during surgery.
"So cool," Maddy said, looking over the diagram of the man's insides. Then she glanced over. "I mean, not for him, obviously, since he died and all. But like, scientifically."
I snorted, trying to hold in a laugh. It was definitely not funny, right? The poor guy.
But then Maddy snickered too. And I don't know if it was all of the stress of the last few days, or the sheer absurdity of my life, or just the effect of my sister's presence... but I lost it and started laughing hard. That cracked Maddy up, and soon we were both overcome with uncontrollable giggles. She thunked her forehead on my shoulder, gasping and cackling, and her amusement amplified mine to the point of nonsense.
We'd shared these kinds of fits a lot growing up, making people roll their eyes and call us annoying. Mom hated it, and was always threatening us with whippings to get us to shut up. But no one could make me laugh like Maddy. No one could make me feel as seen as she did. She was a part of me that I'd be crippled without, and the rest of the world could go to hell if they didn't understand it. I needed her more than ever right now.
We laughed until my sides ached and my head felt like it was going to explode. I had tears running down my face, and her cheeks had turned so red she looked sunburned. We pushed each other around and collapsed into each other as we ran out of steam, but still we were laughing. And every time we tried to get ourselves under control, as soon as our eyes met one or the other of us was busting up again.
Finally there was a knock at the door. Maddy howled as I tried to say, "Come in," and couldn't get the words out.
Ezra opened the door. His bland expression made us both laugh harder, and when his brows tugged together in confusion it was even funnier.
"Madison, it's almost curfew."
She rubbed tears from her eyes, nodding and giggling. "'Kay. I'll be out in a sec."
That was the thing that finally sobered us up. "I want you to stay," I complained.
"Me too, but it's school rules. The Directress almost didn't let me come. I think Ezra had to sweet-talk her big time into letting me out of the dorms on a weeknight."
My hilarity subsided into disappointment. "I don't think I'll get to see you tomorrow. I don't know how long it will take to heal from the surgery."
"That's okay, bubba. I'll come see you as soon as they let me, promise."
"Will you send me our homework? I don't want to fall behind."
"Oh my God, you're hopeless! Sure, yeah, why not? Spend your time doing homework you don't have to do, for classes no one's forcing you to take."
"Maddy..." I chewed my bottom lip. "Ezra wants me to have a hysterectomy. He thinks the Nephilim will go nuts if they find out about this."
"God, yeah they will. They're already doing all those crackpot things to you in that lab just for being Eljo. You want to end up in a real-life American Horror Story?"
"So you think I should do it?"
"Fuck, yes!" Then she slivered her eyes at me. "What, you don't want to?"
"I mean, I guess it's probably smart."
"You guess? Connor, you're the smartest person I know. Why wouldn't you be sure?"
"I... I don't know." From every single angle, the answer seemed clear. I was never supposed to have these parts to begin with. They were making me sick. They put me in huge danger. They turned me into even more of a weirdo than I already was. Up until a few hours ago I hadn't known they existed, so what was the difference?
"Ohh," Maddy said, and grabbed my knee. "Maybe you want them to, like, reassign you? That's fine too, bubba. It's cool with me if you'd rather be my sister."
"Huh? Oh, God. No, that's—ugh, that's not it."
"It's totally okay, though! You should be who you are!"
I squirmed. "Well, l mean, uh... thanks. For that."
She beamed at me.
"I'm a guy, though, that's not what's bothering me. It's just..." I wasn't sure how to put it. "Like you said, this stuff has been part of me all along. But what if they take everything out, and then... Then I'm not..."
"Then it changes you?"
I nodded, and Maddy pursed her lips. "Hm. You got a point."
She was quiet for a second, thinking. Then she shrugged and grinned. "Well, you know, we're all changing all the time, aren't we? We're doing it right now. Growing up, learning stuff. All I know is, you 'n me are forever no matter what. So don't let me or Ezra or anybody tell you what to do, pick what feels right in your gut. Brother, sister, whatever, I'm here for it."
That wasn't exactly the clear-cut solution I wanted, but damn. "I love you, Maddy."
"Backatcha, bro." She sprang up from the bed and straightened her uniform skirt. "So just focus on getting better and staying safe, okay? I'm sure I'll be stuck on campus the rest of this week, but call if you need anything. Call me if Ezra's not treating you right, I'll kick his ass."
I nodded, throat tight. "Thanks."
We walked out to the living room, where Ruth and Ezra were waiting by the front door. Ruth tapped her watch. "About time, Madison, let's go. Connor, I hope you feel better soon."
I had a hard time letting go of Maddy's hand, but Ruth didn't give us much choice as she ushered my sister out the door. Maddy cast Ezra several threatening glares, and mimed a phone call to me. I waved as the door closed behind them.
Ezra was standing behind me, I could feel his presence like an electric tingle at my back. I cleared my throat. "I'm going to my room," I said without looking over my shoulder.
The bottle of blocker formula was sitting on the nightstand, right next to Ezra's tray of menstrual remedies. I reached for it, spraying my neck, chest, and all the way down, and grimacing at the feel of the pad between my legs. How often was I supposed to change the thing, anyway? I should have asked Maddy while she was here. Would being bloody and gross down there mean I would bother Ezra less? Maybe it would tame the pheromones some, I had never felt less sexy in my life. Or maybe all the hormones I was releasing right now made it worse? Either way, I wasn't about to forget the formula again.
Flipping off the light, I climbed into bed and laid down. My heart was beating in my ears too noisily. I felt hollow, heavy, and listless. I missed Maddy. She'd barely been gone ten minutes, and I was sliding back into depression like my lifeline had been cut. I was half tempted to call her, but that was pathetic. I couldn't expect my sister to carry me all the time.
A knock at the door was followed by Ezra stepping into the room. I pulled the comforter up a little higher. He came over beside the bed, like he was going to retrieve the tray. But then he stopped, looking over at me. I turned away.
"I owe you an apology, Connor. I should never have left you with the Swan. I... I shouldn't have left at all. "
He wanted to talk about this now? I swallowed, and hardened my voice as much as I could. "Then why do you keep doing it?"
"Because I'm ashamed to face you."
That was maybe the most vulnerable thing I'd ever heard him say. I looked up in surprise. He was watching me steadily, his dark eyes glinting in the faint light from the bedroom window. "I don't like you seeing me like that."
"What, horny?" The words popped out of my mouth and I immediately felt my face get hot.
"It's more than that. Sometimes when I'm around you, I'm not—" He sighed, and sat down on the edge of the bed, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm not myself. Thoughts go through my mind. Impulses. I can't always control them."
"Then stop trying," I said, scooting up onto one elbow. "I already told you how I feel about you."
"That's exactly why I have to hold back. It's not fair to you."
"Screw being fair! Nothing in my life has ever been fair, just look at me!" I gestured at my body, covered by the comforter but still achy and uncomfortable. Then I groaned and flopped back onto the pillow in resignation. What was I even arguing for? "Whatever. If I were you I wouldn't want me either."
"Connor."
"Why are you even bothering with me, seriously? I've done nothing but cause trouble for you since the beginning. So you read a report wrong once! So my mom's a greedy bitch! Who the fuck cares? Everything about me is messed up. You should have just let me die, like that Timmy Riker kid. Should've just let Tyler have me. It wouldn't have mattered."
"Don't say that."
"Why not? I'm a fucking freak of nature, Ezra."
He drew a breath. Suddenly he was touching my face, wiping tears from the corner of my eye. I just laid there, hating myself for not being able to push him away.
"Do you remember when I told you that Nephilim don't believe in accidents?" He brushed hair from my forehead. "Connor, the odds of someone being born with your anatomical divergences are maybe one in a billion. Male Eljo are completely preventable. So what are the chances that a person like you would be the one affected by my mistake?"
I felt my chin tremble. I really was the unluckiest bastard on the planet. Ezra's hand spread out to caress my cheek, and he shook his head like he'd heard the thought.
"There is no way that your existence is an accident, Connor. You're not a freak."
"What would you call me, then?" I snapped bitterly.
He leaned over me, his eyes traveling my face with utter sincerity. "A miracle."
And then he kissed my forehead. His lips pressed tenderly against my skin, making my breath catch in my chest. He stayed there long enough for my pulse to ratchet up into my throat.
When he pulled back, all I could do was stare at his mouth in longing. Why was he being so nice? I didn't deserve it. But that one word had lit something up inside me. Something warm, and hopeful, and maybe even a little happy. He thought there was a reason I was like this. He thought I had a purpose.
His finger slid under my chin, tilted my face up. Black eyes searched mine with startling intensity, but I couldn't tell what he was thinking. It was like he was asking for something. Maybe I needed to remind him I couldn't hear thoughts like he could?
Out of nowhere, his lips came down to meet mine. I closed my eyes. He was trying to comfort me, I reminded myself. He wanted to make me feel better, and by God, was it working. But I had to hold still, I couldn't—
A shock went through me as his mouth shifted and I felt a hint of wetness, the tiniest touch of his tongue against my upper lip. I surrendered in an instant, kissing him back. Ezra's hand moved to cup my jaw, his lips catching at mine more urgently. I had to wad the comforter in my fists to keep from reaching for him. He kissed me like that for several incredible seconds.
Then he broke away with a soft gasp. "I... I'm sorry."
Alarm shot down my spine as he stood and backed toward the door. "Don't go!" I cried, sitting up in the bed. My abdomen cramped up, and I had to wrap an arm around my middle with a hiss of pain.
He held up a hand. "I'm not leaving. But I want you to put the formula on now, all right?"
I followed his eyes to the bottle on the nightstand, and frowned. "But, I..."
"We'll talk more in the morning. Good night, Connor."
The bedroom door closed. I stared at the spray bottle. I'd already put the blocker on, right before he'd come in here. He couldn't tell? And that kiss had been nothing like last time. It hadn't been lustful, or erotic. More like...
Sweet. Really, really sweet.
I stared at the smooth, white-painted surface of the door, and touched my lips in wonder. What had just happened? What was that?