My Bubblegum King - Chapter 34: Chapter 34

"Paxton, wait," Seb said running after me. "What do you mean we're done?"
I paused unable to look behind at him. "It means exactly that. I'm not going to college again without you."
"Oh my God, aren't you being a little selfish here?"
"Selfish?" I turned to him with a glare.
"Yes!" He glared right back. Icy eyes staring at my very soul. I've never seen that look directed at me and it felt different. Very different.
"Y-you're the one who bought a whole fucking bar without telling me, your supposed ' boyfriend'."
Seb pulled at his hair, "I didn't know how to tell you. This whole week I've been trying to tell you but you weren't fucking listening."
"I wasn't listening? Did you once say, "oh hey Flynn, I bought a bar"?"
"You were roped up, happy in that fantasy of us together in college. How could I ruin that? Not when I'm just seeing you again after a long time."
"It-" my voice choked up as the tears fell. "It wasn't a fantasy to me. I saw that happening a million times and you took me for a fool."
"Flynn."
I held a hand up to stop him just as a sob broke out of me. I couldn't believe what was happening right now. It like my whole life was falling apart right in front of my very eyes. "Seb, you bought a bar. I had you in every step of my plans. I thought we were together in this. I thought–"
"I was going to tell you, I'm sorry Flynn. I had you in my plans too," Seb choked, I couldn't imagine him crying, I couldn't look at him.
"No, no you didn't!" I yelled. Then I looked up at him, I could see his blurry eyes but it's like I had a wall over my, blocking the feelings out. I was furious and I wanted to make him feel the hurt I was feeling. "Okay, where do I fit in? Where do I fit in in this new dream of yours? I'm fucking miles away Sebastian."
"I love working at the bar. It's something I see myself doing for a really long time, with you along side me doing what you love too. We could work this out."
"If you actually thought of a 'we' there wouldn't be a property ownership document that I know nothing about."
"Flynn please--"
"I know I wouldn't have made such a big commitment without letting you know first. I feel betrayed and fooled and deceived and--"
Seb stayed silent.
"I can't do this."
"Please."
"Please," I countered back, actually begging. "Seb come with me to college. You'd figure things out there."
"It's easy for you to say because that's your world. You fit right in."
"I'm there," I groan out and he opened mouth to say something but shut it back, biting on his tongue. Realization dawned on me and I started backing out, "but I'm not enough."
"It's not like that."
"It is like that."
"You're flaring out, am I that easy to dismiss?" He asked, electric eyes looking like there was thunder in his eyes.
I frowned, "I guess so."
"Paxton, you don't mean that."
"We should all do what we want, irrespective of the what the other person has to say in the matter."
"I said I'm sorry."
"It's not enough!" I yelled back.
"Fuck this, what do you want me to do?" He cried out, the veins in his face poking out like he was in pain.
"I wish you all the very fucking best!" I spat out, running off before my jelly legs gave out on me.
"Paxton!"
Paxton.
Paxton.
*
I barely remember saying goodbye to my parents, Percy, Tricia and even Cal. I couldn't book a flight because there wasn't an availability so I took the train. It was the fastest means to get out of town immediately and I needed to be out. It was like just the air in my little town where I've been my whole life has turn from oxygen to carbon dioxide. I couldn't breathe and I was breaking down little by little. My mind and heart were still racing and I couldn't believe what had just happened.
Sebastian and I broke up.
Almost three years in and we broke up. I just left the love of my life.
My face remained stoic as I boarded the train, finding my seat and trying to make myself comfortable. I didn't notice anybody around me and I honestly didn't care. The fight with Sebastian kept replaying in my mind, it was like that was the only thing that happened to me throughout my week back home. My eyes remained open as I stared ahead of me, looking but not seeing.
One minute my eyes were wide open staring and trying to concentrate on the sound of the moving train on the rails.
"It's not enough!"
And the next minute, my legs were curled up to my body, head bent down and I was bawling my eyes out, a sob I tried so hard to keep in breaking out of me noisily and embarrassingly. But I didn't care, I couldn't care even because I had no control over it. I wanted to stop, I tried to but my body had a mind of its own. It like someone used a bazooka and fired it right at my heart leaving an open gaping wound that bled and hurt continously, draining me minute by minute.
I vaguely heard some people calling my attention, trying to find out what was wrong but after my unresponsiveness, they gave up on me and just let me cry and cry I did. I cried all the way back to campus.
Thankfully Sim wasn't around when I got in and I just dumped my bag on the ground, got into my bed, covered up head to toe and cried some more. I didn't plan on leaving my room for the rest of my entire life.
A week later and millions of snubs later, I was finally eating and drinking like a normal human being. Ryder, Sim, Nancy and even Diego have been trying to reach out to me but I wasn't answering any of them. I wanted to be left alone and to myself. Funnily enough the one person I wanted to reach out to me didn't.
Sebastian didn't call or text. My neck was getting more than enough exercise from the number of times I turned to check on my phone regardless of whether it blinked or beeped or rang. The only person I talked to was my mum and that was just to lie to her that I was fine and that everything was going to be alright with me.
I didn't want him to call and at the same time I did. Different thoughts ran through my mind; did I overreact? Should I given it more thoughts? I'm I wrong for wanting him here with me? But then I remember the property deed and I get angry all over again. What other plans was he making without me in it? I was the only one wanting a future for us afterall, I was the only one dreaming of us being together here in college. I was ready to do anything to help him fit into this lifestyle. I was the only one imagining us living together, going out together, exploring life outside that town together.
He didn't need me as much as I needed him. He fell more in love with work and less with me. Just thinking of all that brought more waterfalls and I was getting tired of crying like the heartbroken puppy I was. It sucked, it hurt and even now that I know we broke up, I couldn't imagine a future without him.
So with that thought in mind, I went out. There was no way I was going to imagine life without Sebastian if I remained indoors trapped in my own thoughts. I haven't seen Ryder in weeks and I missed her like hell and trusted she'd make me feel better.
"You look like a rat that was beaten with a stick and barely escaped death because the torturer paused to check his burning food," Ryder said when she opened her hostel door and saw me standing on the other side.
"A whole plot," I nodded, my throat was scratchy and it hurt to talk. "What have you been reading without me?"
Ryder didn't reply and just flung herself on me in a really tight hug. I hugged her back, getting comfort in the warmth and her familiar scent. "What's going on Pax, I've missed you so much."
"Me too."
"Come in, you're eating first before you tell me what the fuck is going on."
"Is your roommate in?"
"Thankfully no, she went to see her family in Columbia. I've been on my lonesome and I have gist for you. A lot happened while you were gone on both sides I can see."
"Mm hm." I collapsed down on her bed, sinking into the numerous soft pillows. "Tell me about it."
"Percy said you hurriedly left town and Sebastian's been unreachable, what happened?" She asked from her kitchen, breaking things into a pot.
Just the mention of his name caused my heart to painfully skip. "Um... A lot."
Ryder paused to look at me. Then she sighed, turned off the stove and started walking back to me. "Fuck this I'm ordering KFC. Chicken and beer?" I nodded, I had no objections, I just wanted to relax.
"On one condition though, you tell me yours first."
"Fine, deal."
The chicken and beer arrived pretty fast and before you know it, Ryder and I were eating and drinking and she was narrating her holiday to me.
"You kissed?" I spluttered out. "Again?"
Ryder nodded with a huge smile, "yeah but this time she kissed me."
I swallowed, collecting my thoughts. I've spent days numb, it was taking minutes for my brain to function. "But then you're hooking up with Fern?"
"Uh, occasionally."
"Ry, define 'occasionally'?"
"Three, four times a week?"
"Ryder Tracey!"
"I like him okay?" She whined. "He listens to me. I mean after a long day and I need someone to rant to, he's there. And even though most of the times he doesn't understand, he listens."
"I listen."
She playfully shoves me, "it's different, ranting and talking to someone you like like. You thing is like my thing and vice versa and I've known you all my life. With Fern, it's just different, I can't explain it. And there's just this relaxation that comes with fucking, then talking and fucking some more."
I laughed, "you're-- I don't even know what to say anymore."
"Yeah I don't know what I am." She chuckled. "And it's easy because we're not in a relationship."
"Yeah, and that's why you're kissing Jordy in the vet place."
She blushed, "correction, she kissed me. And I like her too. Argh Pax, I don't understand me."
I smiled, "you like two people."
"I do. And I told Fern about the kiss, just came up in conversation, not like I was reporting to him or anything and he was happy for me. He's rooting us."
"Wha—" my mouth hanged open. Then I gave up thinking, shaking my head in defeat. "I don't understand shit."
"Me neither."
"Does Fern still like Stella?"
"A little and I don't care. He's single, I'm single," she shrugged.
"Did Jordy explain why she kissed you?"
She nodded, blushing again. "She said she couldn't get me out of her mind and I'm confusing her. Shit like that that neither of us understands and honestly speaking, I'm not in a hurry to understand. I'm just going with the flow of things now, having fun while I can."
"Does Jordy know about Fern?"
"Nope, does she need to?"
"If things gets more serious, maybe?" I shrugged, chewing on a chicken bone.
"I guess."
"Wait, if things do get more serious, are you willing to stop meeting- I mean, fucking Fern?"
Ryder paused, she opened her mouth and it closed right back.
I burst out laughing, my first real genuine laugh. "You want a- a threesome? A throuple thing?"
She cupped her face with a groan. "I don't know. Would they want that? Do I want that? How does that even function? I don't know Pax, we'd cross that bridge when we get there. Fern and I, Jordy and I, we are nothing right now."
I raised both hands up in surrender, "if you say so, just don't go put yourself into something you can't come out of."
"Yeah, whatever," she waved it off. "Now you. What happened?"
I finished the last content of my beer can, it was my second one and I have just started feeling the little effect of it. Was cheap beer. I sighed, sooner or later, it's going to have to come out. If I say it, it becomes real. "Sebastian and I broke up."
Ryder looked at me, then laughed, "nice introduction, real funny. Now get serious." I didn't say anything and I guess the look on my face must have said it all because next thing I know, her face is falling and she's screaming in my face, "what?!"
The next few minutes involved me painfully recounting the whole experience and when I was done, Ryder's face looked like she just got a brick hit on her face.
"You broke up with him?" Was the first thing she said. "Because of that? Pax really?!"
I double tracked, "what do you mean 'because of that'?"
"Pax, dreams change, people change. You can't blame Sebastian for wanting to make something for himself, something he loves."
"I don't blame him for doing that. I blame him for letting me find out like that!"
"Oh because you're not keeping any secrets from him?"
"No Ry, I'm not."
"You tell him everything?"
I was getting irritated. "What the fuck are you saying?"
"I'm saying, you did something stupid. You can't break up just because he kept one thing from you, put yourself in his shoes. How was he supposed to tell you when you have planned out his future for him and engraved it in the fucking clouds?"
I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
"He's the love of your life Paxton, you can't control him and his feelings just because of that."
"I'm not controlling him. I'm not doing any of that. We had a plan, if things changed, we were supposed to change together. That didn't happen, it was all him changing."
"For a reason I bet."
I scoffed, getting off the bed and packing my things.
"Pax, where are you going?"
I was holding back the tears. "I just realized I made a mistake coming here. I thought I was going to my best friend to listen and comfort me but I was wrong and instead came to a Sebastian Die-hard fan club."
"Paxton," she stood up to follow. "You know it's not like that."
"No, it's exactly like that." I accused. "You don't know how I am feeling and you don't care. Sebastian can never do anything wrong and I get it. I'm a fool, I am stupid, I am irrational, I am selfish and I am immature. I made an irreversible mistake and deserve to be fucking hanged. I can't have my perspective of things and I shouldn't expect my dreams to come true because who the fuck am I, right?"
"Pax-"
"I'm leaving, it seems to be the only thing I'm good at." I don't let Ryder stop me and once again, in the space of two weeks I walk away from two relationship.
I didn't even know how exactly I was feeling. I wasn't feeling and I was trying as hard as possible not to think. This must be what it feels like to have the whole world turn on you.
Maybe it was the tispy-ness, maybe it was the overwhelming pain in my chest, it could have been anything but when my phone rang and I saw Ry's name flash on the screen, I found the closest sewer and dropped my phone into it. Humorlessly chuckling when I couldn't hear the ringing sound anymore. Stupid decision no doubt but I was on a roll anyway, why stop now?
I didn't want to go back to the dorm because I didn't even have the mental capacity to snub anyone anymore. My legs lead me to the closest bar and I did what I have never done alone before; drink myself to stupor.
I drank until I couldn't feel the tears streaking down my cheek anymore. I drank until I was truly numb everywhere. I drank until the gaping wound in my chest felt like I rubbed salve on.
Paxton?
Hm.
What's going on?
I don't know.
Are you okay?
No.