Neighbor|Taekook - Chapter 37: Chapter 37

"Have you lost your mind?! Why the hell are you telling me all of this?"Jungkook wiped away his tears with frustration as he was lying on top of Taehyung.
"I just want you to think about it,"Taehyung refused to look into his eyes.
"I'm thinking right now and it doesn't make sense."
"You had said it yourself, you're scared of the future. Why are you so scared?"
"Because...because I'm not...sure,"this time it was Jungkook who averted his eyes.
"Whether it will work, right? Us together...you're not sure."
Jungkook wanted to hear none of that, he didn't want to talk about their future because what Taehyung said, was exactly what's been bothering him. Why is he doing this to me? Thinking about it...it hurts so much, because I know...he knows what will happen eventually...I still don't understand...If I don't want him to suffer? What is he talking about? Is he unhappy with me? Or suffering because of me?!
"Jungkook, you know that it's true. You can't cling onto an idea which may seem sweet now, but tomorrow may turn bitter. It will only lead to a broken heart...Both yours and mine..."
"What's the point of living if you never risk anything?"
"You still don't get it...You don't have to take any risk. Look at you, you're young, good looking , hard working and smart. You can have a great life,"this time Taehyung forced himself to look at Jungkook. "I know well enough that you're a perfectionist, you wouldn't want your life to turn into mess."
Always speaking like he knows me...Isn't it him, who's the perfectionist here?
"It's you who doesn't get it..."Jungkook rolled off Taehyung and sat up on the bed. The feeling of sadness which was consuming him got replaced by the anger.
"This isn't about me-"
"Don't you get it? I'm fucked! I'm..pletely fucked now...Because I can't imagine myself without you...If my life turns into mess because of us being together, then I'm willing to take it!"he clenched his hands into fists.
"You are saying words, which you don't know the meaning of. Your life has always been near and organized, me on the other hand...I've experienced the mess which being an outcast brings. When everyone looks at you like you're a dirt...I'm used to it, but I would never want you to go through that. And that's why I'm saying that if you can have a better life without me, I'll do everything to not stand in your way,"Taehyung sat up too, facing Jungkook on the other side of their large bed.
"You can't...you wouldn't do that..."Jungkook wanted to silence him because each word was hurting more and more, his knuckles turned white.
"If that time comes, I'll do that. You won't stop me, Jungkookie...nobody will."
"No! I'll go crazy..."
This is worse than a nightmare!
"That will only last for a while...you'll forget me,"Taehyung looked down, hiding his face behind his long bangs. "Even if you think it's impossible to get over someone, it's not that difficult when a new person comes into your life."
"I'll kill myself...I'll end my life! Do you really understand how fucked I am? I'd rather kill myself than be without you."
"You shouldn't joke about that."
"Joke about that?"Jungkook laughed scornfully. "It's not like I haven't tried it before..."
"What?"Taehyung looked up, his eyes filled with shock.
"You heard me."
"It can't be..."Taehyung gasped and began shaking his head frantically, his whole face filled with horror. He raised his hands and moved them across his face, up into his brown hair, brushing through and stopping halfway as if he was about to rip his hair out. Then the shocked expression was gone from his face and it looked like he spaced out, having a distant look in his eyes, mouthing words which were nothing but a whispery nonsense.
What is he doing? Jungkook felt chills down his spine.
"Maybe my life isn't as neat as you think..."Jungkook said quietly, hoping to bring Taehyung back to the reality, because what his hyung doing was scaring him.
"Jungkookie what...is it really true?"Taehyung muttered, his eyes focused somewhere out of the hotel room window.
"Yes, back in Seoul I tried to commit a suicide...and guess what? You did that to me!"
"I did?!"this time Taehyung finally snapped back and looked at Jungkook.
"Yes, do you finally get it? My existence means nothing to me, if I can't be with you hyung. Look what you did, I'm nothing without you...Maybe now you understand why I'm scared of the future,"he was fighting back tears.
Fuck, what has my life come to?!
Taehyung looked like he was about to lose it, then he closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. "You are forbidden from ever even thinking about that sort of stuff. Understand?"his voice was breathy and strangely eerie. "You are forbidden from harming yourself. You...God...why would you want to take your own life?"Taehyung looked at him with pleading eyes.
"I didn't want you to suffer because of me...and now you're telling me that I should leave or otherwise you'll suffer. I don't understand...Wouldn't it be better if I was just gone? From this world?"
"Stop fucking talking about that! I can't take it!"he covered his ears,"I don't want you to be gone...but it's for the better...I don't want you to go anywhere...I'm willing to abandon my family and the life I have now, just so you won't have to do that. I'm sacrificing myself for you, so stop talking about ending your life, I can't stand it," Taehyung completely lost his cool, his voice breaking.
"At least now you know what will happen if you leave,"Jungkook was persistent, hoping to change his mind.
"Why even tell me that?"Taehyung trembled.
"Why did you bring me here? Why?! Only to tell me that you'll leave me? Right after showing me how amazing it is to be with you? After making my heart almost explode from happiness when I'm with you? Do you know how much it hurts? Do you know how it makes me feel? I've never experienced anything like this before, I feel like my heart could just stop beating, right at this moment. Thinking about you being gone...it already kills me."
It was the final straw for Taehyung and he started crying hard. "I hate this...I hate this so much..."he stood up and covered his face with his hands. It was the first time Jungkook saw him this unhappy, this broken. Witnessing him cry so much during the storm those weeks ago, he thought or rather hoped that he would never get to see that again...but now, it was worse.
Taehyung sobbed into his palms,"I don't know what to do. What am I supposed to do?"he put his hands down and his watery eyes found Jungkook's as if he was waiting for an answer. He sniffed as the tears were flowing down his red and blotchy face, but Jungkook said nothing, so he turned around, threw on some clothes and before he could've been stopped, he ran out of their hotel room.
Jungkook was unable to move, he didn't know what to do either. He was stuck, he couldn't think of anything, any way to help his hyung, to help himself. I should just leave...I really need to leave, I make him so unhappy...God, I've told myself that I never want to see him cry again and now, I'm responsible for his tears...I hate myself, I'm a horrible person...I've always known that I'm not good enough for him. Why on earth have I thought that it was a good decision to fall for a guy?! For him? It wasn't my decision though...it just happened. Fuck! Maybe because I'm cursed, that's it...I wasn't born normal like everyone else, I ended up this way, I fucking hate myself.
At that moment his sadness melted away, definitely overtaken by the anger. An emotion which he's been suppressing for a long time. He knew that he couldn't target his anger at anyone, it wasn't anyone's fault. He couldn't blame his parents and even though it made him even more angry, he couldn't blame himself at all. He didn't want to be this way, the abnormal way. He didn't want to be a freak, because that's exactly how he was seeing himself as. With his blood boiling he got on his feet, ready to go after Taehyung.
Where did he go? Crying so much...Shit, I need to cool off...or else I'm going to say something wrong to him and make him cry even more...that's the last thing I want. He walked into the marble tiled hotel bathroom and splashed his face with cold water.
He then rinsed his mouth after remembering what him and Taehyung were doing before their conversation took a turn. Here I thought that we're in a paradise and now it feels like hell. Hyung seriously knows how to ruin the mood...He dried his face with a soft towel and took a deep breath, thinking hard about what he was going to say once he finds his runaway hyung.
Should I apologize? For what? My existence? It was him who had started it...No, I have to comfort him first, I have to be patient with him and then talk more...
He reached for his keycard, noticing that Taehyung's was still left in the room. What a pabo, he locked himself in. He grabbed the door handle and as he was about to push it down, someone knocked on the door.
Huh? Must be the room service.
He swung the door open, only to see none other than Taehyung standing in front of him. His face was even more red and swollen, but somehow he made his tears to stop. "I forgot my keycard,"he said as if nothing had happened.
Some instinct forced Jungkook to act and instead of saying something, he embraced his hyung and pulled him into the room, closing the door. He hugged him tightly, pressing him into his chest. Taehyung's body was limp, however he wasn't resisting and after a while he slowly raised his arms, wrapping them around Jungkook's waist. He put his head down onto Jungkook's shoulders,"I want you to be happy,"he whispered,"that's all I want."
"I'm happy when I'm with you, hyung. You alone are my happy place,"Jungkook kissed the top of his head and gently stroked his back.
Taehyung sighed,"I really don't know what to do...Are you really happy with me?"
"I'm happy when I see a smile on your face, seeing your tears makes me feel horrible, especially if it's me, who has made you cry."
I think now I can understand what Jimin-hyung was talking about. Hurting the close ones really is the worst feeling in the world...Maybe I should ask him for help.
"But,"Jungkook continued,"I don't want you to hide your tears from me. If you want to cry, then do that and come to me, cry to me, so I can cry with you. Whatever burden you're carrying, I want to carry it with you...You know, that night when I ran away, you said that together we are stronger. I wasn't listening, I didn't want to listen. I wanted you to be free...of me...and the burden which comes along...so I ran away and I wasn't planning on returning. But now I know that we can support each other, with enough trust, we can do it,"he was holding Taehyung so tight, as if he could disappear right from his arms.
Taehyung wasn't saying anything, so Jungkook continued,"telling me that you wouldn't abandon me, then telling me that you'll leave. What is that supposed to mean, hyung?"
"I don't know..."Taehyung replied quietly.
"I want to know what goes through your mind. At least once, please tell me...I want to understand..."
"My mind is a mess."
"I'm not afraid of a mess...Why are you trying to protect me? I'm not a child, I know that life is hard, that it's rarely ever perfect...I know it all..."
"I'm protecting you, because I need to."
"You need to? Hyung, I wish you could see me as a grown up man for once."
"All of this is a lot more complicated...That's why I have an internal battle within me...all the time. One part screaming to let you go and the other one binding me to you with the strongest bond in the universe."
"If you call that a mess, then my mind is a landfill..."
"I don't think you've experienced what one bad decision, one bad step can do...Everything can turn into hell...that's why I'm trying to find a solution. However it seems that the solution is nowhere in sight, my hands are tied and I don't know what to do,"he raised his head to look straight at Jungkook, it seemed again like he was searching for an answer written on his face.
"Maybe together we can find a solution. You just have to tell me everything, don't hide things from me, remember it's all about the trust. Sometimes, I feel like I shouldn't be trusting you, because you don't tell me anything...then there's stuff which Jimin-hyung says, and I seriously don't know what to think."
"Jimin-hyung would never say anything bad about anyone. If he tells you something about me which doesn't seem like it's true...it is most likely true...I made bad decisions in the past...I regret everything...and now I feel like I'm continuing making the same bad decisions, because I'm an idiot who never learns."
"Am I one of those bad decisions?"Jungkook's large round eyes found Taehyung's.
His hyung just sighed, pulling him in and kissed his cheek. "It's out first day here and we already had an argument. I'm sorry Jungkookie, this was meant to be a nice trip. Can we press the restart button and start all over again?"
"Let's restart, no more crying okay? The solution you were looking for isn't that difficult. I won't find anybody else and you won't leave. Why do you have to go to such extremes?"
"Didn't you just tell me something about a suicide?
"Looking back, I can see that it was a dumb decision, I got drunk...I wasn't thinking properly."
"That's what I was talking about...one bad step..."
"Well, I'm still alive...aren't you happy? You shouldn't be telling me to leave you. You should be trying your best to keep me close instead!"Jungkook smiled and cupped Taehyung's cheeks. "You want me to be happy, then stay with me forever."
"I'm just so worried...I feel guilty, because I don't want to drag you into my mess-"
"I want to be a part of your mess, I want to be an oasis in your desert, a piece of heaven in your hell, whatever you call it, I want to be there for you."
"Why? Why would you do that to yourself?"Taehyung placed his hands on top of Jungkook's.
"I don't know...it just feels right...You said you need to protect me. Remember our promise? I protect you too, I also want you to be happy, I really do...But it seems that we've created a never ending loop. I don't want you to feel burdened because of me, I wanted to get away, but without you...it was like a part of me was gone. And just when I've accepted that I want to stay with you, you tell me that you'll leave, because you want me to be happy. But if you leave, I'll be miserable, and if you care about me wouldn't that ultimately make you miserable too? There's no end to this..No solution, other than-"
"Stay together..."
"Y...yes."
"I was hoping...I don't know what to tell you. Part of me wants to be with you, that's why I've organized this trip. The other part tells me to stop being so stupid, repeating my past mistakes, putting others in danger."
"Hyung...you aren't responsible for me nor my actions. The only one responsible for myself is me. If you think that you're putting me in danger, fine but I can take care of myself. Maybe I'm not completely independent and I still don't know many things, but I'm strong enough."
"You're right, but I can't help it...you're my baby boy and I want to take care of you."
Jungkook squished Taehyung's cheeks,"what if all this time the true baby boy is you, Taehyungnie-hyung?"he leaned in and planted a  long kiss on his puckered lips.
Taehyung chuckled against his will,"that's impossible, I'll never be as cute as you."
"Wait,"Jungkook dried off remaining Taehyung's tears with his sleeve,"there, now you're super cute."
"Aish,"Taehyung pushed him away,"stop that...I'm not cute."
"Is it you who's getting shy now, hyung?"
Taehyung crossed his arms,"absolutely not, by the way are you aware of what you have just kissed?"
"What do you mean? Your lips of course."
"You just tasted your own jizz,"an evil grin spread across Taehyung's face, he turned around and victoriously strode to the bathroom to flush his mouth.
"What...oh my God, eeew,"Jungkook wiped his mouth. "Hyung, you are the worst! Forget it, you're not cute! You're an evil, evil-"
"Evil what? I'm listening,"he appeared in the room again, water dripping from the ends of his hair. His grin was gone, instead a serious and authoritative expression was plastered on his face.
"Evil...hyung?"Jungkook took a few stumbling steps back.
"Oh really?"somehow Taehyung looked much taller and larger than usual, with few confident steps, he crossed the room.
"Whatever you're planning to do, remember I have a black belt in Taekwondo."
"I'm not scared of you, little bunny."
"I'm also stronger than you,"Jungkook outstretched his hands in front of him in a defensive position.
"I wouldn't be so sure about that,"
"Hyung...I swear I could knock you out."
"Let's see."
A knock on the door saved Jungkook,"I'll get it,"he rushed to the door to open it, their lunch was there. "Look hyung, it's our lunch,"he said facing the hotel employee who brought their room service,"we were just talking about being very hungry, right hyung?"he turned around and gave Taehyung a fake wide smile.
"Oh yeah, my starter didn't fill me up at all,"he licked his lips.
Kim Taehyung I swear...
"It just went down my throat so quickly, I couldn't even enjoy it" Taehyung walked over and rolled the room service table into the room.
Jungkook thanked the employee hastily and slammed the door. "Hyung, you have absolutely no manners!"
"No manners? I let you finish first! I'm a gentleman, it's always ladies first,"the corners of his mouth were twitching, but he was trying to maintain a serious face.
"Ladies first?!!! Are you calling me a lady?! I swear I'm goin to-"
"Kookie, your food will get cold,"Taehyung cut him off and smiled sweetly.
"Aish, you're definitely an evil hyung..."
"But I ordered so much food for you, here you have bingddeok, galchi pumpkin soup, which you can enjoy only this season and black pork bulgogi with rice. Isn't it a bit mean to call me evil?"
Seeing all that food, Jungkook felt remorseful,"m...maybe...uhh, I'm sorry."
"Come on, enough of this, let's eat,"Taehyung stopped playing with him and brought two chairs for them to sit.
As they were eating the delicious local food, the mood in their hotel room finally lifted. It was almost as if the food made them forget their argument and healed their souls.
"I saw this golden statue at Mapo bridge of two old men and I thought how nice it would be if I could grown old with you hyung,"Jungkook spokes first as he was slurping his soup.
"That would be nice... "Taehyung's face softened,"have our own place somewhere, live together, mind our own business away from the people judging us."
"Isn't it a nicer ending compared to you abandoning everything?"
"It is for sure, but I've learned to not keep my hopes up for anything."
"Both of us should be optimistic, maybe our positive mindset will guide us to a good place."
"Are you really happy when you're with me?"Taehyung asked again.
"Happy like nowhere else."
"Ah...I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what? Making me happy?"
"Yeah, well not that part...I'm sorry for crossing the boundaries of a friendship. Maybe if we we would remain just as friends, we would still be happy, but it wouldn't be so complicated."
"Who kissed who?"
"Huh?"
"Our first kiss. Who kissed who?"
"It was that night in the bed..."
"That's right. Who initiated the kiss?"
"It was you. You kissed me."
"Correct. So don't blame yourself for that, I crossed the boundaries too. Besides I don't think I would be very happy if we were just friends,"he tucked into the pork meat and rice.
"Why not?"
"I would have to avoid you all the time."
"But why?" Wouldn't we be good friends?"
"Because I would get incredibly horny every time I would be around you. Well, at least that's how it used to be."
"Really? Even in the beginning?"
"Yup."
"I thought you didn't like me that much, you seemed so uncomfortable."
"Because I was most likely hiding my boner."
Taehyung burst out laughing,"I don't believe you..."
"It's true! It was horrible, I was so confused! I thought, what the hell is wrong with my penis, why does it get hard when I'm around this guy?"
"It seems like your body had known way before you realized it yourself."
"Yeah, but it was scary."
"What's about now?"
"I'm immune to you."
What a lie...
"Is that so?"
"Yeah."
"You've always been a bad liar and you'll remain a bad liar...I know you can't resist me," Taehyung said with a seductive voice.
"What about you?"Jungkook ignored his tactics, but still blushed.
"The dirty stuff was almost exclusively happening in my mind. I would imagine all the things I would want to do to you."
"Oh so that's why you looked like you wanted to eat me every time."
"I can't help it, when you look like a snack,"he gave him a wink.
After their lunch, they cuddled in the bed for a while, then they decided to drive along the sunny coast to the Seogwipo market, few miles from the hotel. The market was filled with vendors selling the local specialities, the smell of seafood, spices and fried delicacies hit their noses.
Despite being full, Jungkookie couldn't resist trying some omegi-tteok, and some octopus shaped bread as well. All the food was delicious and the world seemed normal again.
"Hyung, if we ever have a fight or an argument again, we should just eat food, it's the ultimate restart button,"Jungkook said with full mouth.
"Good to know that the state of our relationship depends on food."
"That's what you get if you want to be with me."
"If all I have to do to maintain peace is to feed you, then it's easy,"Taehyung laughed and put his arm around Jungkook's waist as they were strolling through the market.
Jungkook needed to buy sunglasses and after trying all the silly looking ones with Taehyung, he settled on one pair. Then they reached the end of the market with few vendors selling clothes.
"Look Jungkookie, they are selling swimwear here,"Taehyung pointed at the racks beside them,"you wanted to buy the swim trunks."
Jungkook looked where he was pointing, then blushed furiously up to his ears and passed the vendor.
"Wait, were are you going, you wanted to..."
Jungkook just walked ahead, refusing to look back.
Taehyung caught up with him,"what's the matter?"
"I...I don't think I need those..."he stuttered, his face getting even redder.
"You don't? Wait...does this mean-"
"Y...yes th...that's exactly what it means..."
"That I can look forward to a nice evening in a hot tub? With you, naked?"