NIRELLE - Chapter 44: Chapter 44

LUCIEN
"Pick a side?" The sound of that does not sit well with me. She is not supposed to pick a side; she is supposed to be on mine no matter what. How do I tell her that even though Cassian was a teenager, he already endorsed all of the bad deeds his father and hers did? How do I tell her that Cassian knew every single atrocity her father committed against her, and all he did was hide it well?
He had watched both men destroy my family over money and then swept it all under the carpet, and yet no shame at all? He knew in detail all the evil things his parents did, yet he was okay with it, and now he was ready to indulge and do all of that too.
"Lucien, I am not a tool for you to use; you don't own me. If you want me to help, then you need to explain it to me in a way I can understand fully."
", everything is not as easy as you think."
"Well, good, because I never had an easy life."
"I know." I wish I could tell her that if Cassian had done the right thing, then she would probably have lived an easier life, and I would never have gotten to meet her either.
"He is just as bad as your father," I managed to squeeze out. That was all I could say. She looks at me as if I have lost my mind.
"Lucien, don't make such accusations about him. I know you don't like him, but I doubt..."
"You don't know these things, so you should trust me with them," he adds.
"How can I trust you?" she cries, looking at me. "Do I even know if I can trust myself?"
", I know it's a lot to ask of me, but I am not here to hurt you. In fact, it is the last thing I want to do, so if I am saying stay away from Cassian, it is for a good reason."
"I can't pick your side because you've not said anything."
", he watched people die; people died." She looks stunned, and I see her finger trembling by her side. I hoped that would make her believe me at least.
"And how am I supposed to believe that? I don't know the full story, do I?"
"I won't lie for no reason."
"How can I be so sure?"
", I don't see you as a tool for revenge. If you wake up now and say you don't want to help me take revenge on your father, I would give you a pass, but it does not mean I won't want to protect you with all I have." I pause and wait for a reaction, but I do not catch one. "I know I am not exactly a good guy, but I am not claiming to be one."
"I wanted a good guy." Her tone is very sarcastic with a hint of mockery in it. "A very good one and not one who stands morally grey"
"I am sorry," I say because I mean it. "I can't let you go." I can't tell her that this is for her protection. I had been trying to find a way to get her out and bring her here. I had been telling myself that it was for her own good, but why did her calling me morally grey not sit right with me? Why did it make my chest ache differently?
"I am not asking you to let me go; I am asking you to open up to me, just a tiny bit," she says, and I shake my head.
"I am sorry," I whisper again. I had almost been so sure that we were going to be able to sort out whatever was going on between us and return to the awkwardness and not this massive tension, but it seemed like I was in a pit and digging my way further into it.
"You can leave." I turned to leave but stopped at the door, turning to her as she was now sitting on the bed, visibly shaken by what she had heard. It seemed like she needed time to process all she had heard, even though I had not even said anything to her.
"Maybe one day I would be comfortable enough to peel open these scars, but for now let's just leave it the way it is."
"Go, Lucien."
", please, one more thing," I say and wait for her to give me the go-ahead, but silence filled the room. "I am sorry for sending Theo to get you out of there, but I can't allow you to be cosy with him. Cassian is the opposite of everything you think he is, and I can't risk him getting closer to you..."
"Why?"
"It makes my blood boil." I can't tell the reason, but I want her to know. She presses her lips together and comes to stand in front of me.
"I do not want to see you today." She walks into the closet and is out of sight. I hear the shower turn on, and then the sound of sobbing fills the entire room. I wanted to rush in there and ask her to stop crying. I hated to see her that way, but I knew if I did anything like that, I was only going to make it worse with her.
I step out of the room, and Theo is standing there. He throws me a look, and I hear all of the questions. I shake my head, and he nods, trying to take it in.
"I don't think I can escape this without telling her about Cassian," I say.
"I told you, she is smarter than to just agree with a half-assed apology."
"But I am not ready to talk about it," I say. I am trying to force myself, but I can't. I fear that I might soon lose her at this rate.
"I understand." He was not trying to help; he was just consoling, and for that I was grateful.