No Turning Back - Chapter 14: Chapter 14

"Hey white boy," I heard Jayden say as he tapped my arm with his pen. We were in 8th period, working on some worksheet. I had just gotten finished doing my problems when Jayden had tapped me. I looked over at him to see that all the problems on his paper was finished as well. His emerald eyes were staring at me with their usual guard up and their hardness. I hated seeing him like this – especially after the fun we had when I was over his house. While I was hoping that he would open up to me in public, he still kept his hardness. But then again, he still kept his guard up around Bethany – his best friend – in public. I think that it was an act so that no one would think twice about questioning him. He was just protecting himself was all.
"Hi Jayden," I said, a small smile coming upon my face. His eyes fell to my lips and I saw his turn up the tiniest bit. The sight of it brought a small twist to my stomach.
"Is Ashley here today? I haven't seen her around."
"No, she's not. She's sick actually. My parents think it's the flu or something so you're better off staying away from her." He raised an eyebrow.
"I might be better off staying away from you too. She might have gotten her sick germs all over you."
"Nah, I'm clean. I promise. Besides, my body refuses to get sick. That's just my little siblings who get that."
"Mhmm. If you sneeze or cough around me, I'm punching you in your throat for lying to me." I chuckled as I shook my head at him. He hesitated for a moment as he opened his mouth to say something. "Um, what are you doing on Saturday?" I leaned my head into my palm as I racked my brain. I didn't really think I was doing anything serious on that day. Maybe spend time with little Zac and Melanie but I do that all the time anyway. I was sure that I could squeeze in whatever Jayden was about to invite me to do.
"Nothing really. Why?"
"Well there's this first round of fights of this tournament I'm in and I wanted to know if you wanted to come. You can bring Melanie if you want. Bethany is going and she'll probably love some company."
"Your family isn't coming," I asked without thinking. Jayden's jaw tightened as he looked down at his paper. Damn, I shouldn't have asked that. While his family did seem like nice people, I could tell that they were a touchy spot for him to talk about.
"My mom doesn't exactly approve of the whole mixed martial arts thing. She didn't like it when my dad did it or when my brothers did it. Now she hates it because I'm constantly in tournaments and stuff. Sure, she likes that it keeps me out of trouble but it gets pretty violent – as you saw when we watched those matches on Saturday." I nodded in understanding. "My dad wanted to come but he doesn't come home for another couple of months. If I make it into the semi-finals or the finals then he'll probably be able to come."
"So you're still close to your dad?"
"Yea, I guess you can say that. I don't hate him if that's what you mean. We're not exactly best friends or anything but I look up to him and he supports my decisions. He's not the best father ever but he's better than most of the other fathers around where I live."
"Do you act like him," I asked as I tilted my head. "I'm guessing you don't look like him since you look just like your mom."
"My mom says that I do. He's not a big talker or anything and he likes being alone. My mom says that I have his attitude and the natural urge to distance myself from people like he does. I guess that counts." He shook his head. "You're getting me off topic. Are you gonna come on Saturday or not?"
"Yea. I'll come." Jayden nodded as the bell rang.
"Cool," he said simply. "See you then." He then grabbed his paper, got up, and walked down the aisle to hand Mr. Myers his paper and leave the room. I followed his actions but by the time I got out the classroom, he was nowhere in sight. I felt slender arms wrap around my waist before I could get any further down the hallway.
"Hi Danny," I heard Mia say as she hopped up to kiss my cheek. I looked down at her to see that she was smiling up at me, her wide blue eyes bright. I smiled down at her.
"Hey Mia," I told her. I threw my arm over her shoulders as we turned to go down the hallway. I was taking her on a date tonight but I wasn't excited for it. A part of me was actually hoping that she would forget all about it. It's not that I didn't want to go or anything. I just didn't feel right. For some reason, I've been feeling a bit out of place when I take Mia out on dates and such. I felt as if I should be somewhere else or the person sitting in her place should be someone else. I didn't know why I felt this way but I do know that I didn't like it. It wasn't fair. I had gotten myself a really nice girl and yet the universe was telling me indirectly to back off. It was as if I didn't have any choices to myself at all anymore. I thought I felt suffocated before but now I feel as if I'm just drowning in all the things that I don't want to be.
Luckily for me, our date wasn't too bad. I only took her out to dinner and then took her home. There wasn't a whole lot of kissing or anything so I didn't have to experience the emptiness again. However, I did notice Mia's clinginess to me. It was as if she was afraid I was going to go somewhere or if I was just going to leave her out of the blue. I wished that I could reassure her of her fear but I knew that I couldn't. My emptiness and my odd feelings were tell-tale signs that she wasn't the one for me. I was just trying to force myself to believe that she was – or at least she could be until high school was over. Then I could make up some excuse about distance and college and not having time for each other. Then I wouldn't have to tell her the heartbreaking truth that I was finding it impossible to fall in love with her.
"What are you thinking about," Mia asked as I pulled up next to the curb in front of her house. I looked over at her too see her blue eyes were filled with concern, her pink lips turned into a subtle frown.
"Nothing," I lied. I forced a smile at her. "Did you have fun tonight?" She nodded, a small smile coming upon her lips.
"Thank you for taking me out. You're the best boyfriend ever." She leaned over to peck my lips. "We should hang out more though. You've been so busy lately."
"I know. I'm really sorry about that. We'll go out again soon though, I promise."
"What are you doing on Saturday? This theatre downtown is having a play that we could see. Then we could get dinner or ice cream or something afterwards. Maybe we could make a day out of it and go shopping beforehand. I know boys hate shopping but it's a way to spend time together, right?" Her eyes were hopeful and a bit desperate which made me feel bad. My stomach had twisted in an awful way at the thought of trying to fight with my stupid emotions for an entire day. Thankfully, though, I had other plans.
"Sorry, Mia but I'm kind of doing something on Saturday."
"Oh. What are you doing?"
"Look, I'm not going to lie to you so you have to promise not to get upset." She raised an eyebrow.
"Why would I get upset?"
"Because it has something to do with Jayden." Immediately, Mia's face fell and I saw her mouth tighten into a grimace. "I'm sorry. I know that you guys aren't cool with each other but he invited me to one of his tournament match things and I told him I would come." Mia raised a suspicious eyebrow.
"When did he tell you about his mixed martial arts craze?"
"Last weekend. We were hanging out at his house and we just started talking and-"
"You went to his house? Daniel, what the hell is wrong with you?"
"Mia, I'm trying to clear the bad blood with him, that's all. Besides, he's not as bad of a guy as everyone thinks he is. He's really down-to-earth and we're starting to become good friends." Mia scoffed, shaking her head.
"So you'd rather watch Jayden kick the living daylights out of random dudes instead of spending time with me – your girlfriend?"
"Mia, please don't be mad. I don't mean to hurt you or make you feel a certain way or any of that. I just promised him that I'd come to some of his tournaments. Just don't hold this over my head or overanalyze anything. You're acting as if I'm going to go off and cheat on you with him or something." Something in Mia's eyes flashed at the sound of the last part of my sentence. I wasn't sure what but I knew that it wasn't good. I leaned towards her and cupped her face in my hands. "I'm all yours, Mia, alright?" Her blue eyes held a steady gaze with mine, her thoughts swimming through them.
"Daniel...just be careful, okay?" I nodded before kissing her softly for a moment.
"I will," I promised. In the back of my mind I was a bit confused. Jayden had told me to stay away from Mia while Mia is telling me to be careful around Jayden. Both of them seem to be pretty decent people so I was left wondering who exactly I was supposed to be watching my back around...and why?
X
"Are you sure we're in the right place," Melanie asked as we walked through the doors into a small stadium that Jayden had texted the address to me for. I looked around to see tons of people milling around to find seats or socialize. There were some food counters open around in which people were getting some snacks and stuff. I saw some of the fighters in shirts with their designated karate school on it and jeans. My eyes flicked around anxiously, searching for the one fighter I came here for.
"Yea," I said as I began to walk so that we weren't blocking the entrance. I felt for the tickets that Jayden had given me in my pocket. He said that he had gotten us good seats and that we were next to Bethany. He promised that she'd explain everything to us. Speaking of the dark haired girl, I spotted her talking to Jayden as she sipped a blue Icee. Jayden was wearing a shirt that had some Spanish named school on it, jeans and sneakers. His back was to me but I could tell from Bethany's enthusiastic expression that they were talking about the matches or something. I grabbed Melanie's hand and began to lead her over to the pair. Bethany spotted us first as we got closer and smiled warmly at us. Jayden noticed her smile and turned to see. His emerald eyes flicked around quickly until they fell on me and again I saw his lips press together in an attempt not to smile.
"You guys came," Bethany said as she gave both Melanie and I hugs. "See, Jay, I told you not to worry," she said as she turned back to her friend. He blushed softly at her comment as he looked away. He didn't respond though. Instead he just put a hand behind his neck and rubbed it softly. Bethany watched him for a second before grabbing Melanie's hand. "Come on, Mel. Let's go get some food. I'm sure you know what Daniel likes." Melanie opened her mouth to interject but Bethany pulled her off too quickly. I suddenly felt awkward standing there as Jayden made an effort not to make eye contact with me.
"I'm glad you came," he said slowly as he dropped his hand. "I thought you weren't gonna show for a while there."
"Hey, I'm not the guy you're gonna beat the shit out of so I had no reason not to come," I said with a smile. Jayden chuckled as he looked up at me. His tiny smile was starting arise on his face before I saw his eyes flick towards something behind me. Immediately, the small smile fell into a glare. I turned around to see the dark eyed boy who we'd seen at the club a few weeks ago standing with a couple of other guys. He was wearing a shirt similar to Jayden's with the same school name on it. The boys around him were as well. I noticed that they were all Hispanic and that they were all staring at us. The main guy – Diego I think his name was – was smirking mischievously at Jayden, his eyes sending a teasing message. His dark eyes then flicked to me and the smirk grew even more. I looked away and turned back towards Jayden. "Is there something I should know," I asked him. His eyes flicked back to me.
"No," he said quickly. "Just stay away from him. Okay?"
"I'm guessing you guys aren't on good terms." He shook his head, glancing back over at the group. I hesitated but took a step towards him to put my hand on his shoulder. Jayden's eyes widened a bit at my advancement but I could see his cheeks darken slightly. "Don't worry about him. Worry about the guy whose face you're gonna knock in." Jayden's small smile returned.
"I would but sadly the guy isn't you. I kind of wished it was."
"Hey, I thought we were friends."
"We are...somewhat. That doesn't mean that I like you." I opened my mouth to say something but Jayden smiled a bit wider, signaling that he was only playing around. I shoved his shoulder.
"Whatever," I said. Jayden chuckled at me. "Are you excited for your match today?" He shrugged.
"I guess. I'm not really worried about it. I more or less just want to get it over with."
"Why?"
"Because then I can proceed to kick your ass for shoving me." I smiled.
"Oh really?" He nodded.
"Watch your back, white boy," he teased. I chuckled, shaking my head. Suddenly, a loudspeaker came on and asked for all fighters to head to their designated locker rooms. Jayden smiled and said that he would see me later before walking off. I watched him go, noticing that he had to pass Diego and his posse. Diego actually walked towards Jayden and grabbed his arm. Jayden immediately shrugged out of it and sent the boy a glare. Diego smiled deviously and his lips began to move. Jayden's glare hardened as he did so. Once he was finished, he tilted his head and waited for Jayden to reply. My friend seemed to have a simple but deadly reply before turning and stalking off. Diego watched him, his smile widening in amusement. His eyes then turned to me and I began to feel as if he had said something about me to piss Jayden off. But what?
"Everything okay," I heard Melanie asked. I turned to see her and Bethany holding cups of soda and a couple orders of cheese fries. I nodded.
"Yea. Let's go get our seats," I said as I took some of the stuff out of their hands. Bethany led us around the stadium to our seats without a second thought. We were near the middle of the seating in which went upward as it went on. It was good though. We could see the cage thing perfectly clear. The girls talked animatedly about girl stuff while I sat back and waited for everything to start. I was honestly surprised at how interested I got as the matches began. Sure they were violent and some of the guys left the cage bleeding but I thought it was a unique sport. Somehow their forms of kicks and holds were...exquisite. Weird thought I know but I had never actually sat down to think about it before. I couldn't help but laugh at Bethany as well. She was on her feet and yelling about some of the boys acting like pussies or punching like a girl. Melanie laughed at her too, shaking her head. Jayden's match was in the middle of the thing and I had to say that I really felt bad for his opponent. Jayden practically kicked his jaw out of his mouth as a first strike. Then at some point, he had the guy in some type of hold and I swore he was going to kill him. But I felt myself get a bit...excited as I watched him fight. He was shirtless so I caught sight of his muscular torso that held a six pack as well as his tattoos. On his shoulder was a detailed cross, one the left side of his chest above his heart was a small name I think in cursive and there was another one peeking out on his waist. I had to admit that they looked pretty cool. I also had to admit that Jayden's aggressive side was very...nice. A part of me enjoyed watching him hold his opponent still or tackling him to the ground. Hell, a part of me wished that I was in the other guy's place with Jayden on top of me...wrestling me down until I submitted...taking me under his control. I quickly shook myself out of my thoughts once I noticed what exactly I was thinking. I swore at myself for thinking those things. Where the hell had that come from anyway?
Jayden did end up winning his match and we all cheered loudly for him. The rest of the matches went by pretty fast until it was finally over. Bethany led us back into the huge lobby area and we waited for Jayden to get there. Once he came out with his duffel bag in hand, Bethany ran over to him and hopped on him. Her arms wrapped around his neck while her legs went around his waist. "You were so good, Jay Jay," she told him.
"Thanks Beth," he said as she hopped down. Melanie and I had come up behind her quietly, trying not to ruin the moment. Jayden's eyes flicked to us and his small smile returned. "What did you guys think," he asked.
"Other than the fact that your best friend is insane, I thought it was cool," Melanie said. Bethany stuck her tongue out at her in which my friend giggled. Jayden's eyes then flicked to me, his head tilting slightly.
"I think I'm gonna think twice before I piss you off again if that says anything," I told him. Jayden chuckled, shaking his head at me.
"Good thought," he said. We all decided to hang out after the matches so we somehow ended up back at Jayden's uncle's building and had a nice dinner. Jayden's uncle, Juan, made an effort to embarrass Jayden by singing and dancing whenever he was around us. Jayden's looks probably killed him a thousand times but his uncle found them to be entertaining. We all had a good time before we finally departed. Jayden had thanked me for coming and he gave me a hug. It was similar to the one we had at the library except the tingling I'd felt seemed to be stronger. I tried to ignore it but I couldn't for some reason and that really scared me.
After I dropped Melanie off at her house, I went to my own. I was surprised to see the living room light on since I had gotten in pretty late. I wandered in there curiously to see my parents sitting there expectantly. "Is everything alright," I asked as I looked over their stern faces. I knew that they weren't angry about the time I had gotten in since I usually get in at this time. So that left me wondering exactly what they were pissed about. I hadn't done anything wrong lately. Unless you count the...oh shit.
"You wanna explain yourself for these," my dad asked as he pulled out the folder I had put all of my acceptance letters in. "You better have a damn good answer too because I'm confused as to why you were hiding these. Why, Daniel, did you even hide these in the first place? Don't you want to go to college? Don't you want to make something of yourself?"
"I do, dad. I just...I just wanted time to think about where I wanted to go."
"Where you wanted to go," my dad yelled. "Daniel Andrew Crawford, you got into Harvard for God's sake! Do you really think you need to seriously think about where you wanna go? And what is this?" He pulled out the Stanford letter. "When did you go off and apply to all of these lower level schools, huh? We agreed that you were going to an Ivy League school! Do you not see all of these scholarships and grants that they are offering you? You have a full-ride to Columbia, son! What the hell are you doing?"
"John," my mom said softly, putting her hand on his arm. "Take it easy on him."
"No, Beth," he growled at her. "Daniel is old enough to take this. So, make a decision son. What are you gonna do?"
"I...I don't know."
"What are you waiting for? We've been talking about Harvard or Columbia ever since you were a kid! You should have had this decision weeks ago!"
"No, dad," I yelled. "You have been talking about Harvard or Columbia! Not me! You have never asked me about where I wanted to go! I get that you didn't get accepted in Harvard so you settled for Columbia and you loved it but that doesn't give you any right to push Harvard onto me! Do you know where I really want to go? I really want to go to Stanford University! It may not be an Ivy League but it is a respectable, fantastic school and it's where I want to be! Remember when we took a trip up to California and we drove through their campus for the fun of it? Well I really loved it! I can do premed there and then go to Ivy League for graduate school! I've got it all planned out, dad, and sorry to say but Harvard is not part of my plan. I wanna come to here to Chicago and get my medicine degree at University of Chicago. As much as you want me to be Ivy League material, I'm not. I'm just Daniel and I want to go somewhere where I can be just that." My dad's hardened face stared me, his eyes showing their disapproval. Surprisingly, my mom actually looked proud of me. I think she was happy that I had found my way on my own without their influence. On the inside, I think I felt pretty good about that as well.
"Now, you listen to me, Daniel: either pick one of these Ivy League schools or I'm not going to pay for your college schooling at all."
"But dad that's not-"
"Think about that," he said coldly before getting up. "I'm not going to let you waste your potential. Now go upstairs, get a nice sleep and we'll talk about it in the morning." I opened my mouth but no words came out. I looked to my mom to see that she was equally shocked at my father's words. I could see that she wanted to help but he wouldn't listen to her. He never does.
Reluctantly, I turned and stomped up the stairs to my room. I slammed my door behind me, feeling my frustration and suffocation come to its breaking point. I felt as my lungs were running out of air and my head was going to explode. I collapsed down onto my floor, holding my head as a scream of frustration threatened to come out of my lips. All my life I'd followed by everyone else's rules and wants without ever thinking of what made me happy. Hell, I've never been happy. Not since the day I was born. I always had to be perfect. I could never be myself because who I was on the inside wasn't perfect. I was just Daniel and being just Daniel wasn't okay. It never was. I dug my phone out of my pocket and dialed a number. While my head had thought I had dialed Melanie's number, I had actually dialed Jayden's. I didn't notice until his voice rang from the other end. "Hey white boy," he said casually.
"Hi," I murmured. I noticed that my breaths were coming slow and quick and sadly Jayden noticed.
"Daniel, are you alright? Are you having a panic attack?"
"I don't know," I murmured. I took a deep breath in an attempt to calm down my body. "Can we...can we talk? I need to talk to someone and I need...I need to get out of this house. I know I just saw you...and you...you had a long day but..."
"Don't worry about that. Do you want me to pick you up? I can-"
"No...no I think I can drive."
"Are you sure," he asked. I suddenly noticed the tenderness in his voice, his worry showing itself clearly. "I don't think you're okay to drive. I'm gonna come-"
"I can drive," I said. "I'll be there...soon."
"Okay, Daniel. Just hang in there, okay?"
"Okay," I murmured before I hung up. Somehow the sound of his voice had relaxed my body enough so that I could think straight and get my breathing together. I slowly got up and climbed out my window. I got into my car and drove quickly over to his house. I could feel tears fighting to come out in the back of my eyes. Tears that had been long delayed. All the emotion I'd been holding back all these years was starting to surface and I didn't like it. I needed to be strong. I couldn't cry – especially not in front of Jayden. I just needed to get everything off my chest. Then I would be okay. Then everything would be better. Then I could be perfect again.