No Turning Back - Chapter 15: Chapter 15

The drive to Jayden's house was somewhat peaceful. While my mind struggled to help calm my body down as well as not think, I could feel my breaths steadying. I knew that I was more than likely having a panic attack earlier and that I was probably still having it. Over the years, I've somehow managed to control them when I wanted. That didn't help much though. Somehow, this one was really bad. I could barely breathe and my lungs felt as if they were going to go out on me. I could feel all my stress just collapsing down on me all at one time. I prayed that I could get to Jayden's house without full breaking down. Then I'd just get into a car accident and more than likely seriously injure myself. I may be upset but I wasn't looking for pain to soothe it. Instead I needed comfort. Funny since I was going to Jayden's house for that but a part of me felt as if he could really help me.
When I pulled up to the curb next to his house, I saw that only his motorcycle was in the driveway. I also saw that the lights in the first level of the house were on. Slowly, I got out of the car and made my way up to his front door. Suddenly, I felt my breaths speed up again and I could my feel my lungs crushing again. I almost fell to the floor if he hadn't caught me. I was surprised when I met his muscular arms. I hadn't even gotten the chance to knock before he opened the door. I looked up to see he was looking at me strong concern and worry. It was a huge change from his usually hard, angry expression. His eyes were soft as he dragged me inside. He helped me to my feet before taking me up to his room carefully. "I'm sorry," I murmured as he laid me down on his bed. His eyes crinkled into confusion as he pulled a cover over me.
"For what," he asked, his voice soft for once. "Daniel, you have nothing to be sorry for." I felt the tingling in my stomach arise at the sound of my name as it rolled off his tongue. Somehow the syllables worked right into his accent and made my name sound so...nice. I didn't think he's ever called me by my name before. Usually he just calls me white boy or something – anything except my name. He must really be concerned if he wasn't calling me by my stupid pet name. "I'm gonna go downstairs for a second, okay? Just try to calm down and don't do anything stupid. Okay?" I nodded. He stared at me for a moment more before finally getting up and walking out the room.
Slowly, I let myself curl up into myself and let my mind begin to wander. Behind my eyes, I saw small flashes of everything my father has tried to control of me. From my sports to my grades to my activities to my interests and now to my future. He was never going to let me live my life the way I wanted to live it. I thought that I had accepted that a long time ago. But I suppose that it's easier to accept it when you're younger because you don't know any better. You don't know how big the world is or how many opportunities are going to be presented to you. Hell, you don't even know who you are that age. I don't even know who I am now...
"I got you some tea," I heard Jayden say as he came back into the room. He was holding two steaming mugs and I suddenly noticed that he was practically half naked. The only thing he had on were a pair of pajama pants and socks. Other than that, his torso was bare and expressed every inch of his sculpted torso. I felt myself blush deeply and my breathing sped up even more. "Whoa, whoa," Jayden said as he came towards me. He put the mugs down before sitting in front of me. His emerald eyes burned into mine, his hands cupping my face that I now noticed was dripping with sweat despite the cold weather. "Daniel, I think we need to get you to a hospital. You don't look good."
"I'm fine," I said firmly. I shuddered lightly as I once again put my mind to trying to control my body. I turned out of his grasp and forced myself to sit up. The movement caused my body to start shaking rapidly but subtly. "I'll be fine," I murmured. Jayden's eyes lingered on me for a moment before he looked down to the steaming mugs. He picked up one and put it into my hands.
"Here," he said. "It's apple cinnamon tea but not the pre-made kind. My grandmother makes it homemade and I used the recipe. It helps me calm down when I have my temper outbreaks so I thought that it might help you."
"Thank you," I told him. I brought the hot drink to my lips to take a sip. Immediately, I tasted the sweet but soothing flavor erupt on my taste buds. From the one little sip, I could feel my body starting to calm itself. Even the smell from the steam was helping clear my mind. Jayden watched me as I drank the tea, his eyes holding a bit of pity for me. I wished that he would stop looking at me that way. I didn't want to seem weak in front of him. My problems were nothing compared to his and he's probably never broken down this way. I probably looked like a wimp in his eyes.
"You wanna tell me what happened," Jayden asked as I finished the tea. He took the cup from me and replaced it with the other full mug. I stared down at the light liquid in an attempt to avoid his eyes.
"It's going to sound stupid," I murmured. Jayden reached out to put his hand on my leg and give it a soft squeeze. I felt the tingling in my stomach arise again as I looked towards him. His eyes held sincerity as his lips gave a sympathetic smile.
"It's not stupid if it's making you so upset," he said softly. I looked down again as I fidgeted a bit.
"My dad...he um...he's threatening me into going to an Ivy League college next year but I don't want to go. I mean, sure I got into all of them with scholarships and what not but I don't think Ivy League is for me. I know that sounds really stupid but I know that my whole little spaz attack goes deeper than just the college situation. All my life, my father has tried to control my life. He's trying to make me do the things that he never got to do in his life. He makes me play all of these sports because his career ended in college due to an injury. He makes me work to the bone in school so that I could be valedictorian because he didn't get the spot. He's trying to get me to go to Harvard because he didn't get accepted there. All of his regrets or unfulfilled dreams is everything that he's pushing on me. Ever since I was I was little, I never had a say in what I wanted to do with my life. I let him do all the talking and planning because I knew that he had my best interest in mind and I know that he still does but it's just not what I want anymore. I've been trying so hard to be the son that he wants me to be that I don't even know who I am. All I know are the traits that he passed on to me like that I like football or that I enjoy running and working out and that I want to be successful. But other than that...I...I don't know. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I see a stranger. An emotionless robot of some sort instead of a teenage boy who has a good life and a bright future ahead of him." I glanced at Jayden to see that he was staring at me with worried eyes. "I'm sorry. I sound so stupid."
"You don't sound stupid," Jayden said quickly. He scooted up next to me and leaned on the headboard. "I may not know how you feel but I know that you don't sound stupid."
"You're probably going to punch me for saying this but I think that I'd take your life over mine any day."
"Why," Jayden asked. Surprisingly, he didn't sound mad or anything. Instead he sounded a bit curious.
"Because you know who you are and you're brave and you're strong. I know that you may hate whatever bad things have happened in your life but somehow you've got to thank those events for the person you are. I know that you didn't have much of a father figure or older brothers to guide you but look at how you made out." I looked up at him to see that he was interested in my words, his eyes a bit wide with interest. "You're supporting your family and you're smart and you have a future and you can take anything that life throws at you. I wish that I could be half the man that you are but I'm not. Everyone always treats me as if I'm some god but really I'm just another prissy little white boy who can barely take care of himself." Jayden opened his mouth but I held up my hand. "Don't say I'm not because I know I am." I looked away towards his window. "Honestly, Jayden, you're the strongest person I know. I kind of envy you a little bit. I wish that I could say that I've been through Hell and back and still kept hope alive and didn't give up on myself. I know that you cut and everything but you've never actually given up. Because if you had then we wouldn't be here talking right now. I wish that I could say that I respect you but I more than respect you...I admire you, Jayden." I looked towards him to see an unexplainable expression on his face. He seemed surprised at my thoughts but also intrigued at the same time. "One day, I hope that I can be as strong and independent as you are."
"Daniel," Jayden said. "You don't want to be like me. Trust me, you don't. I'm not the guy that you just described. I'm not strong because life has made me that way. I'm strong because I have to be. Honestly, my whole personality is just an act to keep people away. On the inside, I am in the same boat as you are. I don't know who I am. I barely know the shadow of the person I'm supposed to be. At least you have an idea of who you're supposed to be." A small smile started to arise on his face. "You're gonna be successful one day. You're gonna go off to whichever college and still succeed. Then you're gonna go to medical school and get your medical degree. Along the way you'll probably get married...have kids... One day you'll be happy. I know that you might not believe me now but I promise that you will be happy. And if that never comes true then I'll let you kick my ass for once." I smiled softly as I shook my head. Jayden cupped a side of my face with his hand, his emerald eyes burning into mine once more. "You're gonna be okay, kid. I promise."
"Thank you, Jayden. I really needed to hear that. You're gonna be okay too, ya know. You're gonna go off into the Marines and keep some enemy booty and then come home and do whatever you want after your time is done. I can see you being just as successful as I'm going to be just so long that you put your mind to it. I have faith in you." Jayden's eyes widened at the sound of my last sentence.
"You...you believe in me," he asked in disbelief. I nodded. "I... No one has ever said that to me before," he said, his voice lowering. "Thank you."
"No, thank you. You've been a great friend to me in so little time. I'm really glad that we're friends now."
"Yea," Jayden murmured. "Friends." His hand fell away from my face as he looked down at the new half filled cup. "Are you feeling any better," he asked.
"Yes actually. The tea you gave me helped a lot. Thank you so much for being here for me." He nodded, glancing up at me as he took the mug and set it on his nightstand.
"Sure. What are friends for." I noticed how bitterly he pronounced the word 'friends' causing me to raise an eyebrow.
"Are you alright," I asked him. Jayden looked towards me, his eyes trying to mask some bubbling emotion that was trying to surface.
"I'm fine," he said.
"Jayden, we just talked about my problems so it's okay if you want to talk about yours. I won't judge."
"Daniel," he said as he shook his head. "It's complicated."
"I'm pretty sure that I can try to understand." Jayden opened his mouth to say something but then he closed it again, his eyes flicking around as his thoughts swarmed through his mind. After a few moments, his eyes connected with mine again and I felt the tingling in my stomach get a bit stronger. The look in his eyes was strong but somehow, I couldn't read the message they were trying to give off. Either that or I wasn't trying to. I saw his eyes signal that he had come to a decision and that he was probably going to regret it later. I didn't have time to wonder what he was about to do before he quickly leaned forward and pressed his lips onto mine.
As soon as our lips made contact, I felt my body erupt into a fire of different emotions. Every single emotion that I'd held in around him surfaced as well as the thoughts that I'd been concealing. The tingling reached an all time high as I also felt myself breaking free of some type of chain that had been holding me back. The moment he kissed me I felt a weight come off of my shoulders;I felt as if I was being freed. His lips were gentle at first, kissing me tenderly and slowly. I bet he was expecting me to push him away in disgust or shock or something. Hell, I was expecting myself to do the same thing so I was as equally surprised as he was when my body reacted on its own. My hands went around the back of his neck, pressing his lips harder against mine as my lips began to move with his. A small noise that sounded a bit like a seductive growl sounded in Jayden's throat as his hands gripped my hips and pulled me closer to him. Our lips began to move a bit more roughly against each other, all of our tension finally coming to its climax. But in that moment, a lot of things suddenly made sense. Jayden tried so hard to hate me because he liked me. He actually liked me. A part of me felt even more thrilled at that thought while another part felt a bit of fear come from it. What exactly did that mean?
I fell out of my thoughts back into reality when I felt my back hit the mattress on his bed. Jayden had roughly pushed me down on the bed and now was on top of me, his warm hands slowly making their way up my slim stomach. I felt my skin burn in pleasure under his touch, his hands leaving a fiery trail behind them. I wanted to touch him too but I didn't know how or where. So, I kept my hands balled into his curls, pulling slightly as our kisses got even deeper. His tongue began to flick erotically at my lips until I granted him access into my mouth. Our hot breaths collided and I flicked my tongue out, anxious to meet his. He kept his back, only flicked the tip of my tongue when it was retreating. He was teasing me, only letting our tongues collide the slightest bit. After a few minutes of deviously teasing me, he finally let our tongues collide fully. He tasted sweet, like cinnamon and his tongue was so hot. I felt myself melt under his passionate kisses. Slowly, I let my hands wander down to his back, pulling his body closer to mine. I also took a chance and bit down on his bottom lip. Jayden growled again as he grabbed my wrists and pinned them down forcefully over my head. I felt myself get even more excited by his strength as he held me still. I found myself enjoying being under his control. My mind began to wander off towards dirtier thoughts before I finally came into recognition of what I was doing.
I was kissing Jayden Delgado. I was kissing another guy. Hell, we were more than kissing – we were having a full blown make-out session. What the hell was I doing? I was straight! He was straight! We weren't gay! We couldn't be...I couldn't be... No, this was wrong. This was so wrong! So why did it feel so right?
Reluctantly but not reluctantly, I wiggle out of Jayden's grasp and pushed at his shoulders so that he would stop kissing me. As our lips parted, I realized that I enjoyed kissing him way more than I thought I did. I knew it was a whole hell of a lot better than kissing Mia. Jayden's emerald eyes looked down at me with a strong longing, his full lips swollen from our kisses. Damn, I never noticed how indirectly plush his lips were or how soft they looked... No, no, bad thoughts. He was panting softly, a small smile starting to arise on his lips. "Damn white boy," he whispered. Dammit, his whisper was so sexy. No! Goddammit!
"Jayden," I whispered between my small breaths. I noticed that I was panting as well. Damn he was such a good kisser... "Jayden, we can't..." He raised an eyebrow at me, his eyes starting to harden. Oh god, I was about to hurt him. Hell I was about to hurt the both of us. I didn't want to stop kissing him. I wanted more of his sweet lips and more of his overpowering nature.
"We can't what," Jayden asked cautiously. His emerald eyes seemed to know what I was going to say but he wanted to hear me say it to believe it.
"Jayden, I'm not gay. You're not gay either. We've just been through a lot and our talk just sparked something that's probably not there," I said, trying to convince myself. I knew that wasn't the truth but I wanted it to be. If my parents found out I was gay then they'd really kill me. Hell, everyone would probably kill me. That's probably why no one knows that Jayden's gay. Well, then again, everyone knows better than to mess with him but people would still talk.
"Daniel," Jayden sighed as he got off of me. "I'm gay," he said plainly. I sat up and looked at him. He was looking away from me, his hardened expression coming back up upon his face. He ran a hand through his hair as he reluctantly looked to me. "You can save your little speech about how you're not gay or whatever you want to think and get out my room."
"This isn't fair," I told him. "You can't just kiss me like that and expect me to just leave."
"Unless you're gonna tackle me onto this floor and kiss me like you mean it again then I suggest that you go." Damn, his offer sounded so tempting. I didn't want to kiss him again but goddammit, I did. I could actually imagine myself tackling him down to the floor, wrestling him still and kissing him for all that he was worth. The thought made me excited and caused my longing to grow.
"Jayden, don't push me away, please. I'm just confused."
"About what," he asked. "You like guys. It's not fucking rocket science."
"In my life, everything is rocket science. Did you not get that when I was talking to you earlier? Besides, I'm not gay. I don't like guys. I don't want to like guys. I'm straight, okay! Straight as a line!"
"That's not what the signs you were giving me three minutes ago were saying," Jayden said coldly. "Weren't you just talking about trying to be happy and not being what your dad wanted you to be? Have you ever thought that maybe being gay is what makes you happy but you're too scared of your father to explore your options?"
"Look just because you're gay doesn't mean I am." Jayden laughed half-heartedly.
"Keep telling yourself that." I rolled my eyes at him. "Just...just go, alright? Leave and do whatever you want with your life. Go be unhappy for all I care. Just don't call me again when you have one of your little panic attacks. Matter of fact, don't call me at all."
"Jayden," I started.
"Get out," he said as a glare placed itself on his face. Suddenly, I felt as if I wanted to plead. I wanted to beg for his forgiveness. I wanted to tell him that he was right and that I was gay and that I wanted him. I wanted to tell him that somewhere a part of me wanted there to be an us. But I didn't do any of that. Instead I got up and left just like he told me to do. I drove home quickly and snuck back into my room. I flopped down into my bed and buried my face into my pillow. I wished that I could've went to sleep but the feeling of Jayden's lips moving against mine haunted my mind. Throughout the whole night, all I could think about was him and how I wished that I could turn back time and redo the night all over again.