No Turning Back - Chapter 16: Chapter 16

"Daniel," I heard my mom say as she walked into my room. I was under my covers, my head still buzzing with thoughts of Jayden. Hell, I could still feel his lips moving against mine. I couldn't get an inch of sleep because of him. All I could think about was him and how I wished I could've done things differently. I wanted to call him so badly when I got home and apologize and tell him how I really felt about what happened last night. But I knew that he wouldn't answer. He was going to need a couple weeks before he would even consider answering one of my calls. It was going to take a while before I think he would actually have a serious conversation with me. The thought of all that time without him made my heart hurt a bit. We had gotten so close over such a short amount of time yet I couldn't think I could go on without having him around. He was becoming my best friend. "Daniel, honey," my mom said as she began to lightly pull the covers away from my face. I groaned as I felt the light hit my eyes. I turned onto my stomach and buried my face in my pillow. "Daniel," my mother called softly again as I felt her take a seat on my bed. "I want to talk to you."
"Can we talk later," I mumbled. "I'm really not in a good mood and I don't want you to take anything the wrong way."
"I think my news may brighten your mood a little bit." I raised an eyebrow as I turned over to look at her. She was smiling softly down at me, her chestnut hair framing her soft face. "I was proud of you last night, Danny. I'm proud that you're choosing Stanford and planning to come back here for graduate school. I'm proud that you made that decision on your own. So, I'm telling you that you can commit to Stanford if that is what will make you happy. I saw that they're giving you a full-ride solely based on your academics with a plus if you want to play sports then they'll give you money for that too. I'm sure that you'll be really happy there."
"You know I can't go there, mom. Over dad's dead body then maybe." She shook her head.
"Don't worry about your father. He doesn't have to pay for your schooling if he doesn't want to support your decisions. If you don't remember, I am also pretty rich. I can help pay for your books and dorms and everything else you need."
"Really," I asked. "But what about dad? Won't he be upset by all this?"
"Baby boy, this isn't his life to live nor is this his decision to make. This is all up to you and if this is what makes you happy then I will be behind you one hundred percent." I smiled up at her.
"Thank you," I told her. She nodded before getting up to leave. "Wait," I called after her. She looked down at me, tilting her head slightly. "Can I talk to you about something?"
"Of course," she said as she sat down. "What are we talking about?"
"Well, I'm having a bit of emotional problems."
"Is this about the Mia girl?"
"Somewhat. It's just...how do you know when you're falling in love?"
"Aw baby, are you falling in love?"
"Mom," I groaned. "Please answer the question. I really need some guidance."
"Well, there are all the cliché tell-tale signs. The butterflies in your stomach, the longing to always be around them, the gushing whenever they do something cute. But then there are deeper signs when you get down to the road of love. You start seeing them differently. Instead of seeing them for what you want them to be, you see them for who they truly are and no matter how imperfect they seem: you think they're perfect anyway. You also start seeing the world a bit differently in the way that everything's a bit more of a happier place. You notice that you're a happier person. A lot of falling in love is just feelings and bliss. It's more of staying in love that's a challenge."
"But how do you know when you're in love with someone?"
"I wish I could say that I knew, baby boy, but I don't. Honestly, sometimes you just know." She leaned down to kiss my forehead. "One day you'll know when you find the right one for you. It may not be now or maybe it could be now. Just know that only you can decide that for yourself. No one else can pick your soul mate for you." A small knock sounded on my door knob before Mia poked her head in. She smiled softly at my mom.
"Hi Mrs. Crawford," she said. My mother smiled.
"Hello Mia." She looked to me. "I'll go look up open house dates for you," she said, hinting to Stanford. She then got up from my bed and walked out of my room. Mia made her way up to my bed, her eyes beginning to fill with concern.
"Are you alright, Danny," she asked as she took a seat on my bed.
"Yea. I just didn't sleep well," I lied. I held out my arm for Mia to signal that I wanted a hug. Mia smiled widely and quickly leaned into my arms. I hugged her small body tightly, trying to get a feel for it. Somehow though, my stomach only twisted in resentment. Holding her didn't feel right...not after I've felt the way Jayden's body could feel. Mia curled up next to me in my bed, her head resting on my chest.
"How was your day yesterday...with Jayden," she said. I could hear the slight bitterness in her voice as she said his name. My heart skipped a beat lightly at the sound of his name though.
"It was good. We all had fun. Jayden won his match and then he, Bethany, Melanie and I went to The Dancing Lights and hung out for a little while."
"If you guys had fun then why do you look as if you're upset," she asked. I looked down to see her sincere blue eyes looking up at me with curiosity. I sighed. I knew there was no way I was going to lie to her so I might as well tell her the truth. Maybe if I was lucky, she would break up with me. But then again, she was friends with Jayden for a long time. I wouldn't doubt it if she already knew.
"Jayden...he uh..." Mia raised an eyebrow.
"Did he hurt you or anything?"
"No...no...he um...he kissed me," I said. Mia's eyes widened a bit in surprise before I saw anger start to flash rapidly through her eyes. "Please don't be angry. It...it wasn't meant to happen. We were both just really emotional and I think he saw something that wasn't there." Mia shook her head.
"Daniel, I don't think that it was a coincidence. Jayden is...he is into guys."
"He told me that he was but I mean that he doesn't like me. We've just been talking a lot and I've been gaining his trust and I think when he lets his guard down, a lot of things just come to the surface. I'm sure it was just a big misunderstanding." Damn, I was lying my ass off so hard. But then again, what could I tell her? Hey, your ex-best friend kissed me and now I'm moping because I refuse to be gay but I want to be with him. Yea, that would earn me a nice smack in the face. Then again, I might need it. Maybe that would snap me back into my normal self.
"Did you feel anything when he kissed you?"
"No," I lied. "I didn't feel anything. I was just a bit shocked, really."
"So why are you so upset about it?"
"Because," I started as my voice started to get distant. "We were becoming such good friends and now...now I doubt he'll even talk to me. I mean, I don't care that he's gay or any of that. I just want our friendship to be back to how it used to be. I don't want to be complicated. I just wanna be friends."
"Daniel," Mia said softly. "I know that you're starting to care about Jayden and everything but maybe this is for the best. Besides, Jayden's not...he's not the loving type. He's more of a manipulator. He'll act as if he likes you and butter you up until he gets what he wants. Then he'll dump you and go on to his next toy."
"Is that what he did to you," I asked quickly.
"No but I've seen him do it. Trust me, Daniel, you're better off staying away from him. I'm not going to tell you that you shouldn't be friends with him but I am telling you to be careful. Jayden can be sneaky when he wants to be and you're too good of a person to get caught up in something you shouldn't be involved in. Besides, you're straight, right?"
"Yea," I said forcefully. "I'm straight." While the words came out of my mouth in a believable manner, I couldn't help but still come to disbelief about that fact. After Jayden had kissed me and opened up all of my emotions, I...I wasn't sure who I was anymore. I may not have known it before but now I'm really unsure. All I knew anymore was that the only thing on my mind was Jayden's lips and how I wished that I could kiss them the same way I had done the night before.
X
I stared down at my phone, tapping my fingers nervously against the table. I had convinced myself for a whole hour of reasons of why I should confront Jayden and just really talk about everything. He had sent me away too quickly the night before and we didn't get an actual chance to talk anything over. I knew that he was going to avoid the hell out of me if I didn't take the first step in trying to resolve the problem. My only hope was that he actually took up my offer about meeting with me. I mean, I had come to his uncle's building so that he could just get off of work and I'd be right here to talk. I was trying to make this as easy as possible. Hopefully, he could see that. Suddenly, my phone buzzed and I looked down to see a text from Jayden.
Come to the back room.
I got up from my seat and looked around for a back room. It took me a minute before I saw Jayden leaning against a door in his work clothes. His emerald eyes were staring dead at me, his mouth tightened into a line. I could tell that he was putting his wall back up but I couldn't worry too much about it. Or at least I could try not to. I hopped out my seat and made my way towards the door. I tried to mutter a hello to Jayden but he pushed me into the room too fast that I didn't have time to say anything. "Jayden, we need to-" I started as I turned around to face him.
We couldn't even make eye contact before I felt his strong hands press me up against a wall and his lips collide with mine once more. Again, I felt my body light up with emotions, leaving me in a fiery rage of some sort. I tried to fight against my emotions. I tried so hard not to be affected by his kisses. I tried so hard not to feel anything. But this time was much different than last time. This time, I felt my knees go weak under me and I felt my heart begin to beat rapidly in my chest. My mind began to spin and a tornado of butterflies erupted in my stomach. I felt as if I was going to pass out from all of my body's reactions. Luckily, though, I didn't pass out. Instead, I felt my body begin to move on its own which scared me a bit. My hands wound around Jayden's waist to pull him closer against me before they began to creep up into his shirt. My lips moved roughly but passionately with his while our tongues teased each other until we drove each other crazy. I felt alive again as he kissed me for all that I was worth. I felt as if he was taking a huge chunk of my heart with no intentions of giving it back – not that my body minded. Eventually our kisses got slower and less urgent until they became sweet pecks. The last kiss was barely a brush of our lips before Jayden pulled away fully. His emerald eyes were bright with excitement as well as anger. He narrowed his eyes at me as he backed away.
"You wanna tell me again about how you're not gay," he said lowly.
"You...what...what the hell," I asked. "You can't just kiss people like that!"
"I didn't hear you complaining now did I," he countered quickly. I blushed deeply but shook my head.
"Jayden, look, I came here to apologize. Last night was...something else. I just wanted to let you know that I still want to be friends after everything. I don't care if you're gay. You can be gay all you want. I just...I just still want to keep my friend if that's alright with you." Jayden stared at me for a moment before he threw his head back and laughed whole-heartedly. Although I did like his laugh, I didn't like the fact that he was laughing at me. Hell, I wasn't even sure why he was laughing at me. His laughter was kind of random, actually.
"Are you serious, white boy," Jayden said as he calmed his laughs down. "After I just proved that you obviously have some type of feelings towards me, you're just gonna act like you're straight and want to be friends. You're hilarious."
"Jayden, please don't make things more difficult than they need to be. I still want to be friends, shouldn't that be all that matters?" He shook his head, the amusement in his face starting to vanish.
"You don't get it, do you?"
"Get what? What don't I get?"
"The fact that you're gay. You can stop the denial, really. You're starting to make yourself look stupid."
"Stop," I said firmly. "Do not call me gay. I am not gay."
"Oh really? Do I need to kiss you again to prove my point then?" I blushed deeply but managed to keep my straight face. He noticed my blush and shook his head. "Whatever. If you want to keep lying to yourself then you do that."
"I'm not lying to-"
"Yes you are," Jayden snapped. I flinched slightly at the hardness of his voice. "If you weren't then you would have never kissed me back last night nor would you have let me do the same thing today. If you were straight like you keep telling me you are then you would have pushed me right off of you and probably attempted to punch me. Trust me, I've kissed a few straight guys in the past couple of years and that's what they all do. But the ones who don't are the ones who are gay whether they like it or not. And you, Daniel, you're gay."
"Stop," I yelled. "I'm not gay!"
"You're not or you don't want to be?"
"What's the point of all this," I asked. "What satisfaction will you be getting if I admit that I'm gay? What are you gonna do about it if I am? Why are you getting so worked up about this?"
"Dios mío, for someone so smart you really are stupid," he said as he rolled his eyes. I stared at him blankly, waiting for him to elaborate. "I like you, dumbass," he yelled. "That's why I'm so concerned that you know your sexual orientation! I already know you're gay so now I'm praying that you'll come to your senses and see that you shouldn't be with Mia! You should be with me." He said the last sentence softly, gently. His eyes softened as he took a step towards me. "Look, I know that I've been an ass to you since we met but I was only doing that because I didn't want to get my hopes up. I didn't think you were gay until recently when I noticed the way your eyes lit up whenever you saw me. I kissed you because it seemed like the right time and plus, I've been dying to try that anyway." His eyes glanced down at my lips and a ghost smile came upon his face. "I understand what you're going through. I know that you must feel confused and maybe a bit angry. Trust me, I've been there. Hell, a part of me is still in denial."
"You...you like me," I stuttered out in disbelief. Jayden rolled his eyes at me again.
"Yes, Daniel, I like you...a lot." He tilted his head at me. "So, what are you gonna do about that?" God damn, I hated the way he voice had gotten lower as he said that. The sound of it made a shiver go down my spine. I was so tempted to kiss him again as he walked closer until we were inches apart, his eyes burning into mine. I wanted to kiss him so bad. I wanted to tell him that I wanted to be with him. I wanted to tell him that he could make me his. But I knew that I couldn't do that. I knew that I couldn't be what he wanted me to be. I knew that I couldn't bear to hurt him.
"Jayden, I can't...be with you...in that way," I said slowly. I was again paralyzed under his gaze so I was finding it a bit hard to speak. I looked away. "We can only be friends."
"Friends," Jayden repeated bitterly. He began to back away from me again. "Daniel, I can't be just friends with you."
"Why not," I asked as I looked back up at him. "It's not like you're in love with me." Jayden paused, something flickering in his eyes. He nodded, backing away more quickly to the door.
"You're right. I'm not in love with you. But I was pretty damn close to it." I felt my heart sting at his words as my mouth gaped open a bit. I wanted to say something but I wasn't exactly sure what. But then again, what was there left to say? It was obvious what our future was going to be. As much as we wanted to be together...we never would be. "Look, we can be cordial for the sake of the project but other than that...we're not anything. I'm sorry that it has to be that way but I can't be friends with you, Daniel – not with the way I feel about you." He paused for a second, hesitating about what he was about to say next. "How about we just forget we ever became close, okay?"
"Jayden," I started.
"See you around, white boy," he said before he walked out of the room. As soon as the door shut behind him, I felt my heart shattering to little pieces. I didn't know what was worse though: the fact that I just lost what could've been a great beginning for me or the fact that I voluntarily let it slip through my fingers. Either way, I knew that I still lost what was becoming my best friend and I knew that I wasn't going to get him back without a fight.