No Turning Back - Chapter 17: Chapter 17

I thought that I would be relieved when I finally felt something other than the emptiness. I thought that I would feel better about myself. I thought that I would feel more normal and less like a robot. I thought that I wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore. But then again, I was hoping to replace the emptiness with a more joyful emotion like happiness or excitement or lust even. Anything except for the pain that I feel now. I mean, sure I've been burned emotionally before in the past but it's never hurt as much as it does now. Hell, I don't think I've ever felt as horrible as I do now. I've never felt as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest or if I was barely even existing - or even existing at all.
I didn't even think for a moment that I would feel this way over Jayden of all people. I mean, we were never actually together. We never had any type of romantic rendezvouses or dates or mutual exchanges of feelings or any of that other mushy gushy shit. We were barely even friends! That was why I was so confused as to how he somehow cooked up into his mind that he liked me. Hell, I was wondering how my own emotions came up with the great idea that I might somehow like him back. Damn hormones just going around making something out of nothing. I mean, we literally just started to get close. How could something that happened so fast become something so serious in such a short amount of time? How could I even possibly like him in the first place? What made my emotions so drawn to him in the first place when he was so irritating at times? Why did I have to long for him so bad?
Because he makes you feel normal, my mind said softly. I felt myself mentally open my mouth in an attempt to argue against it but there was no going around that conclusion. Around him, I did feel as if I were normal. Around him, I didn't feel any pressure or any suffocation or any emptiness. Even before he kissed me, he made me feel as if I was a real person and I had real fun with him. I think that I made him feel the same way. I had noticed as we became friends that he was starting to become more comfortable around me. Maybe he thought that he could really be himself around me - really, really, himself. I mean, I wouldn't have judged him if he had told me without all of the kissing and what not. I wouldn't have even seen him differently. He would have still been the same Jayden that he's always been. He would have still been the same emerald eyed, hard faced, pain in the ass that he's always been. Even now he's still the same except for the fact that he likes me and...I like him back.
I knew that I had feelings for Jayden and I was only admitting it because my head was starting to hurt from me denying it so hard. But I also knew that we could never be together...not in the way that Jayden wanted us to be. I couldn't have my father being any more disappointed in my than he already was.
Apparently, he had found out about the agreement I'd made with my mom about Stanford. I wasn't sure how he found out and I really didn't think I cared. Especially since he called me into his office to talk after I got home from my talk with Jayden. My mind was anywhere but college at that time. When he called me, I felt myself groan mentally. I wasn't in the mood to look at him and be reminded of what I couldn't be because of him. Hell, I wasn't really in the mood to be around him at all. I didn't want to talk about college or my future or any of that. I just wanted to crawl up in my bed and mope and drown myself in misery and confusion. I wanted to figure out what I was going to do to make everything go back to normal.
I had wandered into his office anyway to talk to him. He was sitting at his desk, tapping his pencil against his chin in thought. I'm sure that I was giving him the death glare since I was already upset and he wasn't exactly helping. I didn't care to see his blank face stare at me with his judging eyes and disapproving frown. I felt my emotions bubble beneath my skin as I thought back to what Jayden said the night before. He had told me that I was only denying my sexuality because of my father. While I was still questioning the fact of if I even was gay or if my body was just longing for an experiment, I did think that he had a point. I didn't do a lot of things because I was afraid of what my father might think. That was the whole point as to why I hid those stupid acceptance letters in the first place. That was the whole point as to why I was the way I was – always conflicted and confused and suffocated by everything. All because I wanted to be a perfect son and please him. I didn't even know if he knew how much I tried just to win his praises. He probably didn't. He probably thought I did everything I did for my own benefit. He probably didn't think twice about the real reason why nor about how much his opinion meant to me. I felt my anger bubble as my thoughts as his ignorance filled my head. While the good part of me wanted to make him happy and just do what I was told – do what I was expected of just as I'd done for all these years, another part of me felt a sort of resentment. No maybe more than resentment. I was pissed. Utterly pissed. The part of me that had had enough of his bullshit wanted to yell and scream and blame my unhappiness all on him. I think I only didn't do that because the last part wasn't entirely true. I had my part to play in my own actions and I would own up to them.
"I'm not changing my mind," I had told him as I looked him dead in the eyes. "I'm not going to go to Harvard or Yale or any of those other schools just to make you happy. For once, I'm going to do what makes me happy and go to Stanford. I have a full academic and athletic scholarship so I don't need your money. All I'm asking for is your support and if you can't give me that then I might as well just give up on trying to keep a relationship with you after I go away. It's all up to you on what you want to do in terms of me." I saw the hurt flash through my father's eyes as I mentioned dropping our close relationship. I was his best friend at times and I knew that distancing myself from him would hurt but if that's what I needed to do then I would. My father stared me down, his thoughts flickering along with his eyes. Finally, after a long while, he nodded.
"You have my support, son. You can go off to Stanford and get your medical degree wherever you want." He shook his head. "I just never knew that I could be both proud and disappointed in you at the same time." Now, I hadn't expected his simple statements so I will admit that they caught me way off guard. I will admit that I was grateful though. The talk was painless and easy to move away from. I did promise my dad that I wouldn't disappoint him again. When I did, he smiled and told me that he had faith I wouldn't. I was happy that he was pleased and moved on from the small spat we had but at the same time, I couldn't help but feel my gut twist. Somehow I knew I was going to break that promise. I knew that I was going to do something to disappoint him again but I was just praying that it wouldn't be due to whatever I was going through with Jayden. I don't think I could afford a screw-up like that. Although my parents may love me unconditionally, I didn't want to risk anything. I knew how the felt about homosexual people – both of them – and it wasn't exactly the indifference that Ashley and I had.
I jerked out of my unconscious thinking session as I heard my alarm clock begin to ring loudly. I groaned as I rolled over to press the snooze button on it. I had almost forgotten that it was Monday. Great, the shittiest day of the week to go along with my shitty mood. I reluctantly forced myself to get out of my bed and hop into the shower. I tried hard not to think about what the day would hold – especially not the fact that I would see Jayden. After our heated make-out and argument the night before, I wasn't quite sure how I was going to react or how he was going to react. I was actually kind of hoping that he wouldn't give up on me and just pull me into the janitor's closet and... No! Dammit, I couldn't think like that! I had to be straight! I had to like girls! I had to get myself together.
After my shower, I got dressed and looked in the mirror at myself. I was frowning, my eyes dark with frustration as well as dark circles from my lack of sleep. I swore at myself before starting to pull my face together. I forced a smile on my face and rubbed the dark circles away. I made faces in the mirror for a good ten minutes until I thought that I finally looked like myself. I didn't want to give off any type of sign that said something was wrong. I couldn't have Melanie poking around if she noticed something off. I couldn't exactly tell her about the events that had transpired over the past couple of days. I wouldn't spill Jayden's secret like that. Sure, Jayden probably hates me again but I still respected the trust that he had but in me and I refused to betray it.
"What are you doing up," I asked my sister as I walked into the kitchen. Ashley was sitting at the table with her head in her hands. She was dressed in her uniform with her hair waving down her back. Sure, she looked normal but when I looked at her face, I knew something was wrong. Her mouth was twisted into a grimace of pain and a bit of green painted her cheeks. "You should get back to bed," I told her. "You don't look well." She waved her small hand at me.
"I'm fine. I'll be fine," she mumbled. I sighed as I came closer to her. She didn't have time to even look up at me before I picked her up bridal style and made a beeline for the steps. "Daniel," she whined. "Put me down. I'm fine."
"Stop lying to me," I said firmly. I carried her to her room and helped her back into her pajamas. She didn't even try to protest as I tucked her into her bed. "Rest for another day, okay? I don't need you passing out during gym class or anything." Ashley smiled a faint smile at me.
"Thank you, Danny. You're a great big brother you know," she said sleepily. I smiled and kissed her forehead.
"Are you sure you're alright? Is there something I should know that's going on with you?"
"I should be asking you the same thing." I raised an eyebrow. "Go to school. We'll talk when you get home." I nodded before I got up and left her room. I scarfed down a small breakfast before I picked up Melanie and went off to school. Today was pretty...average, I guess I could say. I managed to conceal whatever conflicted feelings I had and made it through the day without anyone noticing my inner battle. Melanie was oblivious thanks to my good act and I managed to keep Mia at bay about not worrying about it. I was doing pretty well with everything until 8th period finally hit.
As soon as I walked into the classroom, I felt my stomach twist up into nervousness. I wish I could say that I felt his eyes on me like I usually did but I didn't. I glanced up towards him to see that he was looking down at the desk, his emerald eyes holding up their usual wall. I kept my eyes down as I made my way to our table and sat down. Jayden didn't say anything throughout most of the period and thankfully Mr. Myers didn't give us much free time at the end of class. Only three minutes to spare and then I could bolt out of there. But that was only one day. What about all of the other days for the rest of the year? It was barely November which meant that the school year was nowhere near being over. Jayden and I would have to talk eventually. But eventually could always wait till a later time.
I looked over at Jayden again to see that he was scribbling a drawing in his notebook. While this drawing was as detailed as his other ones, I couldn't help but notice how sloppy it was. It was if he was drawing it impulsively and without any real thought. The drawing was of the same guy under that streetlamp in the rain except he was alone and his head was down. His pain was clear his face as he held a wilting rose in his hand. I immediately got the picture of what that meant. The guy had fallen for the girl but she left him – more like rejected him. Suddenly, I realized what Jayden's drawings represented. Whatever he drew was a visible, tangible translation of what he was feeling inside. With the two lovers...that was...that was us. And the chained angel...that was him. I felt my stomach twist into guilt now as I stared at the lonely, sad, depressed boy standing there alone in the rain. Had I really hurt Jayden that bad?
His hand suddenly stopped scribbling and I felt his eyes on me. I clenched my teeth down as I looked up to meet his emerald orbs. His eyes weren't showing any type of emotion at all which kind of scared me. They were just blank. Or at least when they first looked over at me, they were. As I held his gaze, his eyes hardened and I saw a fiery anger fuel inside them. His mouth tightened into a frown and his eyes killed me about a million times. This time I'm pretty sure he beat me to death, set me on fire, buried me alive, and a bunch of other scary stuff. I understood that he was angry but I wished he could understand that there was nothing I could do about anything.
I opened my mouth to say something – to apologize really but then bell rang. Jayden got out his seat quickly and walked away quickly. I tried to follow him but I lost him in the crowd by the time I got out into the hallway. I pushed down my disappointment as my eyes scoured the halls, looking for his dark curls but not finding them. I knew that he wasn't going to talk to me even if I tried so I didn't understand why I was trying so hard in the first place. Reluctantly, I made my way to my locker. Mia grabbed my hand when I was halfway there and began babbling about something. I wasn't sure what and as much of an asshole as I'm going to sound: I didn't really care. I just let her talk as we walked down to my locker and I put away my books and such. Suddenly, she cut herself off and her eyes began to shoot daggers at something behind me. I turned my head to see Bethany approaching me, her dark hair flying behind her as she hurried down the hall. While her face seemed to be indifferent, I could see the anger behind her eyes. Great. She was going to kill me.
"Can I talk to you," Bethany said as she stopped in front of me. She glanced at Mia behind me. "Alone."
"As if I'm going to leave my boyfriend alone with you," Mia said as she came to my side. Bethany rolled her eyes.
"Sorry to burst your bubble but you're the whore here, not me. So go away peacefully and I will try not to bash your mousy little face into these lockers," Bethany said sweetly although she was glaring. Mia opened her mouth to say something back but I put a hand on her arm.
"Go wait in the car. I'll be out in a few minutes," I told her. She seemed disappointed at my words but did as she was told and stormed off. I waited until I knew she was gone to speak. "Look, I know-" Bethany cut me off by slapping the living hell out of my jaw.
"That's from Jayden," she said, keeping her hard composure for a second more. Then her face fell and she put her hands in front of her. "Sorry but I promised that I would give that to you. Anyway, you mind telling me what happened Saturday night?"
"Jayden didn't tell you," I asked as I rubbed my probably red cheek.
"He did but I just want to clear some things up. I know Jayden can be impulsive and everything. He's not exactly good with expressing his feelings." I nodded in understanding. I think I knew that already. "So, I'm also guessing something happened yesterday judging from how he was today..."
"Yea. He kissed me again and then we had an argument. He told me that he liked me which I'm still finding pretty hard to believe. He kept trying to tell me that I was gay. And I think...I think he was trying to tell me indirectly that he was falling in love with me..."
"Oh," Bethany said simply. She began to look down. "Daniel, you know that Jayden is...fragile. As much as he doesn't want to admit it, he does get hurt easily and he doesn't get over that pain for a while. Now, I'm not going to tell you that you are gay or that you should be with Jayden or any of that. But I am letting you know that Jayden does sincerely care about you." She looked up at me. "He's cared about you for a little while now and I know that it may seem strange to you because of how well he hides it but... He was falling in love with you, Daniel. I know that you may not have done anything to make him feel that way intentionally or anything but you must've done something right. Jayden doesn't begin to get feelings for someone as fast as he got them for you or as strong for that matter. Look, I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad or guilty or any of that. I'm telling you this because Jayden's my best friend and he's been hurt so many times and I just don't want to see him hurting again. So, just be careful around him. I know that you guys aren't going to be on speaking terms for a while but when you do just...just be aware of his feelings and don't stomp on his heart. If you're straight then fine, be straight. But, Daniel, if you feel something for him and I mean really, really feel something then please don't waste those feelings. Jayden may not be perfect – he's as imperfect as they come but he has a genuine heart once he opens it up." She smiled softly. "Just think about what I said, okay?" I nodded, forcing a smile at her.
"I will," I promised. She nodded before turning and walking away. As she did so, I felt my stomach twist. Dammit, now I really wanted to see him. But not to apologize or bullshit or any of that. I wanted to see him to do the exact opposite. Sadly, though, I knew he wasn't going to talk to me right now so I didn't wanna bother trying. I needed him to actually listen to me, not brush me off. I was going to have to wait until at least the end of the week try to talk to him. He probably needs some time to cool off.
I drove Mia home quickly before heading back to my own house. I immediately went upstairs to check on Ashley. She was awake, texting on her phone. "Are you feeling," I asked her as I walked up to her bed.
"I'm feeling pregnant," she said, throwing her hands up. My eyes widened at her.
"Excuse me, what did you just say?" She looked at me, a hopeless smile coming upon her face.
"I'm pregnant," she said. "And mom and dad are going to kill me. There's my story plain and simple. What's yours," she asked, her voice getting louder.
"Ashley, this isn't funny. Are you seriously pregnant?"
"Yes."
"How? When?"
"You know how. The bees and the birds. And I think I conceived at the homecoming dance."
"When the hell did you even get a boyfriend?" Ashley rolled her eyes.
"Danny, have you not noticed that I can sneak almost anything past you boneheads?" She sighed, looking down at her now flat stomach. "Besides, I don't think the pregnancy really matters."
"Why?"
"Because I'm going to get an abortion."
"Ashley!"
"Daniel," she said. "Promise me you won't tell mom and dad."
"You know that I won't but..."
"But no abortions. I know that's what you're going to say. I'll think about it and talk to my boyfriend and we'll see how he feels. He knows already but his first response wasn't abortion surprisingly." I shook my head.
"How can you seem as if you don't care at all about this?" Ashley shrugged.
"I've gotten myself in all types of trouble. I was kind of expecting this sooner or later." I rolled my eyes.
"I would say I'm disappointed in you but I'm not dad. So, just let me know if you need anything."
"Wait, no, you promised to talk to."
"I'm gay," I said as I threw my hands up. Ashley's eyes widened in excitement.
"For Jayden! It's about fucking time!"
"You know what, goodbye," I said as I walked out her room. As I did so, I suddenly realized both what she said and what I said. Holy shit. My little sister was pregnant. I was actually gay. Holy shit, our parents were going to kill us.