No Turning Back - Chapter 18: Chapter 18

Where was she, I thought as I paced back and forth in front of my locker impatiently. I was waiting for Bethany to get here. I'd managed to catch her in the hallway earlier and convinced her to meet up with me after school to talk. She seemed to be a bit reluctant about it considering I had partially broken her best friend's heart but after what she'd told me the other day, I think she knew what I wanted to talk about. Besides, she hadn't questioned my desire to meet up so I was guessing that she knew I was going to say something about Jayden. But then again, that's just predictable. He's been the only thing on my mind since he kissed me Saturday night. Sure, it may seem like a short time period but I'd never thought so hard about someone before so for me it was a pretty big deal. There was also so much more that was paired with the thought of Jayden that it made it even more difficult for me not to think about him. So, after Ashley dropped her bomb on me the other day and I impulsively blurted out my true thoughts, I had lay down in my bed and seriously thought about what was going on inside my head as well as my heart.
As I lay there, staring up at my ceiling, I forced myself to go back through everything I've been through with Jayden. Back to the moment we first met, back to when we used to piss each other off for the hell of it, back to our fight, back to our budding friendship – back to that first kiss. As I let the memories flash through my mind, I felt a fuzzy feeling in my stomach – not the good kind either. Instead, I felt a bit...sad. I realized in that moment that I missed Jayden. His absence may have only lasted not even a day but a huge part of me felt awful that he wasn't speaking to me. A huge part of me felt lost. A huge part of me felt guilty and angry and confused but also nervous. Somewhere in my heart, I knew that I felt something for Jayden. I think I knew that from the first time he actually smiled at me at the library. My heart was tired of denying everything. It wanted to explore and experiment and test out if whatever spark Jayden and I thought we had was really there. I had wasted enough opportunities in the past and I didn't want to waste this one because I knew that if I did: I would regret it.
Although, I may not have wanted to take a chance on Jayden, I knew that I couldn't just let him pass me by. Not only would experimenting be good for me but I also needed to take a chance for my own sake. It had felt good when I had chosen Stanford. It had felt good knowing that I had made a decision for the benefit of myself and my own happiness instead of someone else's. I was kind of hoping to receive the same feeling once I got things straightened out with Jayden. Hopefully then, I could be a bit happy about our association. Hell, I'd be a lot happier than I was now about us. I mean, it's only been three days yet Jayden now refuses to look at me in addition to not talking to me. I had even tried to be nice by attempting to start simple conversations with him like a "Hi" or "Did you think that quiz was hard." He ignored me every single solitary time. He didn't even have the nerve to glance at me! Honestly, I was surprised by how hurt I felt at his actions but then I figured that I probably deserved the silent treatment. I think I did hurt him more than he let on. But, I wished that he could get over it and forgive me. Hell, he didn't even have to forgive me. If he would just look at me – he could glare at me for all I cared but I just wanted to know that I meant even the smallest sliver of something to him...even if it was the cause of his anger.
From the corner of my eye, I spotted Bethany hurrying down the hallway towards me. I let out a sigh of relief and walked towards her to meet her halfway. Her sweet face tightened in concern as we came close together. "Is something wrong," she asked. "Are you alright? You look a bit stressed." Ha, if only she knew how deep that statement went.
"Yea, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm just... Things are good, I think or at least they will be," I told her.
"So, I'm guessing you thought about what I told you on Monday."
"Yea...I thought a lot about it..."
"And...?"
"And I think that I wanna try to make something work with Jayden. I mean, after all he's been through I think he deserves that much. Besides, I think he might be...good for me..." Bethany smiled. "But I don't even know where to start with him. He won't to me or look at me or any of that. I mean, I don't blame him but how am I supposed to let him know how I feel if he won't even give me the time of day."
"Don't worry about Jayden, okay? I'll take care of him. I have a plan so just no stressing yourself out. Meet at Baila Luces on Friday right after school and bring a cute outfit with you. That might help." I raised an eyebrow.
"What are we going to do? Ambush him at his job?"
"No," she said simply before her smile grew a bit mischievous. "You two are gonna have your first date."
X
I tapped my pencil against the desk as I listened to Mr. Myers lecture about some type of chemical, my eyes watching the ticking of the clock. Usually weeks were long for me but they'd never been this long before. Ever since Wednesday afternoon when I spoke with Bethany, time has been dragging on. Literally, I felt as if it'd been forever since I'd been in this class. But then again, I was also a bit bored so that might make a difference. I was also getting really anxious and a bit...excited about later on. When Bethany had told me that Jayden and I were going to have our first date, I stared at her as if she had three heads. I almost laughed in her face at the thought. I doubted Jayden would really have a date with me spontaneously. He'd probably punch me and walk away. But, that was a risk I had to take. Bethany told me to trust her so I did. Jayden was her best friend after all. I'm sure that she had a couple of tricks up her sleeve to help get him to the club and to me.
I glanced at Jayden to see he was doodling in his notebook again. He wasn't drawing anything too fantastic today. Instead he was just making an exquisite design of his name. I could tell he was bored too. Half the class was sleeping with their eyes open so I didn't feel too bad about my lack of interest. I wished that I could talk to Jayden though. Maybe then that would make time move by a little bit faster. I glanced at Mr. Myers before flipping to a blank page in my notebook and tearing it out.
Hey I wrote on it. I slipped it towards Jayden and watched out the corner of my eye to see his reaction. His green eyes looked at the paper and I saw his jaw tighten. I thought he was going to crumble the paper up but instead he slid it closer to him and scribbled something down on it. He then slipped it back over without looking over at me.
What do you want white boy
I rolled my eyes at his response but scribbled something down.
I was just saying hello.
Jayden looked at the paper again, rolled his eyes and began to ball up the paper. When Mr. Myers turned around, he flicked it into my cheek. I glanced at him to see he was shooting me a glare. My lips unconsciously pulled into a smile at the sight. I hadn't realized how good it felt when he looked at me and I got the small tingling feeling in my stomach. Jayden noticed my smile and looked away, returning back to his drawing. Somehow, I felt satisfied with the fact that he finally looked at me and left him alone. After that, the class went by a little bit faster. When the bell rang, I practically bolted out of the room. I hurried down the hall so that Mia couldn't catch up, put my books away, and hurried to my car. My nerves were starting to bubble as I drove downtown to the popular club. I hoped that Jayden would decide to listen to me. If he didn't then I think that I would just drop dead right in front of him. But then again, what exactly was I supposed to say?
The restaurant area of the building was mildly filled when I walked inside. My eyes scanned around for Bethany's head of dark hair. When I finally spotted her, I saw her talking to Jayden's uncle at the bar. She was talking animatedly, waving her hands around enthusiastically. The older man had an amused smile on his face as he nodded along to everything she was saying. I felt myself blush in embarrassment as I figured that she was probably telling him about how she was about to get Jayden and I together. Or at least I hoped that was what was about to happen. Bethany looked towards me and waved for me to come over. I blushed deeper as I walked up towards her. I barely got to greet Jayden's uncle before Bethany grabbed me and dragged me around the bar to a door that led to a secluded back room.
"Okay, so Jayden will be here in two hours which means that we have an hour and a half to set up everything," she said as she smiled widely at me.
"Um, may I ask how exactly you're going to get Jayden here?"
"Oh I have my ways," she said with a mischievous smile. "But honestly, it wasn't that hard. I just asked him if he wanted to hang out tonight." She shrugged. "He's not that hard to back into a trap." I nodded. "So, we should probably get started with getting this place together," she said looking around the plain room. I agreed and we immediately got to work. I first helped Bethany line the room with small lights and candles that smelled of sweet cinnamon. Then we moved on to carrying a table into the room and setting it up with a tablecloth, a centerpiece with fake flowers, tall candles, and some plates. Bethany joked that they were probably going to have something stupid like pizza but it's the thought that counts. Although I did laugh at her, I couldn't think of anything more casual and perfect than a candle lit dinner over pizza. We also managed to bring in a small couch in case and I quote from Bethany "we wanted to get frisky." I could only blush at the thought although I was kind of hoping for that.
Once we were done with making the room look like a scene in a movie, Bethany stepped out so that I could get changed. I threw on one of my good fitted button up shirts from Express along with a pair of jeans and my nicer sneakers. Bethany bounced back into the room as I was buttoning up my shirt. She walked up to me, swatted my hands away, and began to fix my shirt herself. "Thank you for helping me with all of this," I told her as she started to fix up my hair. Bethany gave me a warm smile.
"It's no problem. Thank you for doing all this for Jayden..."
"You, uh, you really care about him don't you?"
"Yea," she said distantly. "He's my best friend and he's been through so much. He deserves something good for once and I think...I think that you'll be good for him. You make him happy and to me, I think that's all that matters. Just...just be careful with his heart. It's very fragile so be gentle with it. Plus, note that if you break it: I will let Jayden kill you." I chuckled at her. Her phone beeped in her pocket. She dug it out of her pocket to look down at it. "So, Jayden is on his way now which means that I will go work on getting him back here. You," she poked me in the chest, "Work on a good speech to get him to kiss you." She smiled as I blushed deeply. "Good luck." She then turned on her heel and walked out of the room.
As soon as she closed the door behind her, I felt my jumping nerves came back to my awareness. My stomach was in a disarray of butterflies, my mind starting moving a mile a minute and I felt as if I was going to throw up. My anxiety was starting to get the best of me as I let my mind roam around freely. At mean, at first I was thinking of all the ways he was going to react. At first I figured that he would probably look at me, punch me in the face and just leave. Or that he would just yell at me and then leave. Or that he might just plain reject me. But then I tried to think positively of all the ways it could go if he was pleased by my attempt at making things up to him. I felt myself blush at the thought of us kissing and "getting frisky" as Bethany had said. The thought did seem tempting though and I found myself wanting that to happen more than anything. Hell, I just wanted him more than anything. It was strange and new: my want for a guy. But at the same time, it was comforting and made me feel a bit less suffocated. Maybe getting with Jayden was the first step into finding out who I really was inside. Maybe my happiness had been hiding in a direction I'd been trying not to go in all along. Maybe my happiness was hiding in Jayden.
My phone buzzed in my pocket, causing my stomach to fire up for whatever reason. I took out to see a flirty text from Mia. Suddenly, I felt myself feel a bit guilty. I mean, we were still technically dating which means that if Jayden and I did anything tonight I would be cheating on her. If Mia ever found out about this then she'd probably have a heart attack. I knew that I was going to have to break it off soon but I decided to do it at a later time. I didn't want to dump her over text message. I wasn't that much of an asshole...or at least I didn't think I was.
"What the fuck is this," I heard a familiar voice say. My head shot up to see Jayden standing in the doorway, looking around with a confused face. He was wearing a fitted black tee, worn jeans, and sneakers with his curls a bit messy on his head. His green eyes roamed around curiously before they landed on me. When they did, I saw them widen a bit as surprise and a bit of anger filled them. "What the hell are you doing here," he growled at me. Oh shit. I felt myself start to internally shake as his green eyes glared me down. Whatever words I was supposed to say immediately left my mind and I found myself paralyzed in front of him. This was so not going to end well.
"I, uh, I need to talk to you," I stuttered out. Jayden raised an eyebrow. I expected him to turn around and walk out the door but instead he stepped closer into the room and closed the door behind him. He then leaned against the door and crossed his arms in front of his chest.
"I'm listening," he said simply.
"Okay...okay...Um...I just...goddammit," I swore. I shook off my nervousness and began to just let my mouth babble on with whatever it wanted to say. "I like you," I yelled. "I like you, Jayden! Alright! You were right about me! You were right about me being gay but denying it because of my father and what he might think! You were right about me being a prissy little white boy who is too damn scared to go after what he truly wants because of what everyone else thinks! Well, I'm tired of being that guy! I'm tired of hiding and running and denying my feelings for you! I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to say this to you but I didn't even realize I liked you until you kissed me last weekend. I didn't know what the signs meant nor did I think I wanted to know. And I know that I was an ass for leading you on somewhat and not doing anything about it. I'm sorry for that. I am but I'm not used to this Jayden. I'm not used to feeling this way or thinking this way about someone. I'm not emotionally intact with myself. I haven't been for a long time and I know that doesn't justify anything but I just want you to understand. And I know that I don't deserve you. I know that you deserve way better than me but I'm simply asking for another chance. I wanna give this thing a try and see where it takes us. Whether that's a few months or whether it's a few years or even a lifetime, I want to be with you. I want to be who I am. I want you to be who you are. I want us to be ourselves. I want you...all of you. That's if...if you still feel the same way." I had been babbling rapidly when I was giving my little speech so I was panting softly to catch my breath once I was done. Jayden's glare had dropped when I was talking so now he was just staring at me, his emerald eyes analyzing me with an unreadable expression. I felt my nervousness return as he remained silent. "Um...isn't this the part where you say something," I said.
"Well, I don't really know what to say," he said lowly. "What were you expecting me to say?"
"Honestly, I'm waiting for you to tell me to go fuck myself." Jayden's lips pulled up slightly into his tiny smile.
"While that is tempting," he said as he straightened up and began to walk towards me. "I think that it's not quite the words I'm looking for." He stuffed his hands in his pockets as he got closer. He looked down, his tiny smile fading. "Look, Daniel, this is really nice and everything but..." His eyes lingered over the candlelit table. "I'm not a girl so this doesn't exactly...impress me per to say. I mean, I think I get the gist that Beth helped but...wow. I think you guys totally forgot who you were trying to convince. You could have just showed up at my house with a box of pizza and I still would've been happy. You really didn't need to do all of this." I put my hand behind my head, starting to blush softly.
"I know but I didn't really put much thought into all of this. I just put everything together the way Bethany told me to." He rolled his eyes.
"Figures," he muttered. He stood near the table, his fingers lightly playing with one of the fake roses. His emerald eyes were looking away, his face holding an expression of indifference. I wanted to know so badly what was going through his mind but it seemed that his ice wall had already gone back up. I might have been too late. He sighed, his eyes going back to me. "So, you want a relationship, huh?"
"Yea," I murmured. He began to walk towards me again except this time I could feel my feet stepping back with each one of his forward. He slowly cornered me against the wall, his eyes showing amusement as a devious smile crept up his face. I felt my heart skip a beat as my back hit the solid wall, his body just inches away from mine. "Jayden," I whispered.
"Shh," he whispered back, his voice low and his accent on full blast. Damn it was so...hot. "This is what you want isn't it?" His emerald eyes burned into mine, paralyzing me in my position. Since he was a little bit taller than me, I could practically feel his need to just dominate me right there and take me as his. But I could tell that he wanted to toy with me first. He wanted to make me squirm. "So, I'll ask you again, white boy, what exactly are you going to do about these feelings for me?"
My answer wasn't verbal or a nod of my head. Instead, I gave him the real response he wanted and caught my lips with his. Our kisses weren't gentle from the start. Instead they were rough, passionate, and a bit sloppy. His mouth moved so efficiently with mine as he pressed his body against me, his hands firmly holding my hips. My mind whirled as his tongue entered my mouth and I felt my body heat go up. Yet, despite the adrenaline I felt from kissing him, I also felt a bit...relieved. I felt good – no great actually. I enjoyed kissing him so naturally and so freely. I enjoyed his hands' hold on me, his body's pressure on mine, and his sweet tongue. But most of all, I enjoyed the amazing feeling of finally being able to breathe air after being drowned in my stress. I enjoyed feeling free.