No Turning Back - Chapter 19: Chapter 19

I never knew bliss could be so simple. I never knew that I could feel so happy, comfortable and warm by doing absolutely nothing. Sure, I'd always heard that the simplest things in life are the best were the best but I could never say that I believed it. Not until now that is. I looked up at Jayden who was lying beside me. His eyes were closed, his plush lips in a soft line, and his facial muscles relaxed. One of his hands was behind his head while the other was wrapped around me. I would have thought he was sleeping if I didn't see his eyes fluttering open the slightest bit to open before closing again. We were lying on my bed, listening to music. No one was home today so I was comfortable with having him here and snuggling close to him. Besides, then I could blast my country music as loud as I wanted.
"I like this song," Jayden mused as "Somebody's Heartbreak" by Hunter Hayes blasted from my speakers. The song's soft second verse was on now and I tried to restrain myself from humming along. "It reminds me of you," he said. I raised an eyebrow up at him. He opened one eye and looked down at me. His tiny smile arose on his lips. Before I could say anything, he leaned down to peck my lips. "Don't worry, it's a good thing," he whispered.
"Oh I wasn't worried," I teased with a cocky grin. "I'm just surprised you actually like a song after all that shit you talked about country music earlier." He rolled his eyes at me. When he first came over and heard my country music, he started making fun of it. He told me that Spanish artists were better as well as R&B. Then he told me that country music sucked and called me a cowboy. Although I knew he was somewhat teasing, I still pretended to get mad and chased him around my room. It was funny since he knew I couldn't beat him yet he was dodging me as if I could. I liked playing around with him though. It was fun – more fun than I expected.
"Oh it still sucks, trust me. I just like this song." I made air quotes with my fingers.
"Whatever you say." I slowly got up causing Jayden to open both of his eyes. His face started to fall as I left his embrace and got off the bed.
"Where are you going," he asked.
"Gonna get my iPod. I think I have some more songs that you might like," I said as I continued walking to my desk. I picked my iPod up carefully to make sure the cord connecting it to the speakers didn't come out and began to skim through my albums. I finally found Hunter Hayes' first album and flipped on "Cry With You". I turned towards Jayden as the song began to play. He was staring at me, his emerald eyes a bit curious. As he noticed the new song playing, I saw his eyes grow distant as he put his mind towards listening to the words. "This one makes me think of you," I told him, blushing a bit.
"I don't cry," Jayden said, smirking teasingly. "So, therefore this song is irrelevant to me."
"Shut up," I said although a smile had crept up my face. I turned back to the iPod to put "Wanted" on. I didn't turn towards Jayden this time to see his reaction. I really liked the song so I stood there for a moment, letting the sweet chords run through my ears. I noticed Jayden was a bit too quiet back there so I took a step to turn but I felt my body back into his. I blushed deeply as he wrapped his arms around my torso and pull me closer. Damn he was so warm... My hands moved to grab his, giving them a soft squeeze. Jayden chuckled softly before he turned me around so that we could be face-to-face. I looked up at his perfectly sculpted face to see his emerald eyes staring down at me. I will admit that I was still getting used to not having him glaring at me all the time or seeing his eyes so soft. Don't get me wrong, I liked seeing the softer, nicer side of him but I just wasn't quite used to it yet. We had only seriously gotten together the night before. I'm surprised that we're already acting as if we'd been together for a while. I had thought that Jayden was going to take things slow for me since I'd never exactly been in a relationship with a guy before. But then again, technically he was taking it slow. He didn't really seductively touch me or let our kisses get out of hand or any of that. Instead, he's just been holding me and giving me tender kisses and making me feel comfortable. I wish I could say that he was doing the same thing the night before but he wasn't. But, the night before was different. We were both fed up with our feelings in a way and we just let them out. We didn't have sex but a nice bit of our clothes did come off as did our hands roam freely. Jayden stopped it though. He told me that we didn't have to get serious so quickly. He promised that we could take things slow and figure out what we were going to do with whatever was going on between us.
That's exactly what we were doing today. Jayden said that we could just take this whole day off away from the world and just be together. So, I invited him over and we've just been relaxing for most of the day. It felt good though. I really needed the peace, soothing country music, and a deep cuddling session to ease my mind about everything that's been going on as well as what's to come in the future. School was really getting on my back and being president does not make it any easier. I had been stressing about that on the low but now, with Jayden, I couldn't even bring myself to be reminded of it.
"Are you okay," I heard Jayden ask. I blinked out of my thoughts to see that his emerald eyes were holding concern. I nodded.
"Yea. I'm fine." I leaned up to kiss Jayden's soft lips softly for a moment, letting the butterflies roam free in my stomach. The kiss only lasted a moment but it was enough to make them go crazy. When I pulled away, Jayden smiled his tiny smile. "Do you want to put on some of your music? I bet you're probably sick of hearing all of my country jams."
"Sure," he said, reluctantly letting me go. I moved out of his way so that he could unplug my iPod and hook up his own. "You might not understand some of the songs though. Most of them are in Spanish."
"I don't mind." He glanced at me before finally clicking on some song.
"It's Shakira," he told me as the song began to play. "It's called Estoy Aqui." He grabbed my hand and began to lead me back to my bed. He lay down first before pulling me down so that I was on his chest. I listened to the foreign words as the beat began to speed up.
"What's she talking about?" Jayden raised an eyebrow. "Hey, I only took four years of Spanish. I'm not completely fluent in it yet." He rolled his eyes.
"It's about how a guy left her and now she's all confused because she misses him and stuff. There's an English version but this version is better. This used to be my mom's favorite song when I was younger. She used to bounce around singing it. It was funny."
"Hmm." Jayden began humming the tune, the vibrations in his chest rumblings through my ears. I felt my eyes close as I listened to him hum. His voice was so nice and so smooth. I silently waited for him to actually start singing the song. When he did, I was nowhere near disappointed. His voice was so pure and beautiful when he sang. I wanted to tell him that he should go on a singing show or make a career out of or something but I didn't want him to stop if he didn't think he was good at it. After the Shakira song went off, I noticed a familiar piano tune start to play.
"Ah shit," Jayden muttered. He started to move from under him but I put a hand on his chest. A smile started to play upon my lips.
"Do you have the Spanish soundtrack of Frozen on your iPod," I said, trying to hold back my laughs.
"It's for my little sisters. I hate that stupid movie."
"Mhmm, you probably sing this song at the top of your lungs when no one's home." Jayden began to glare at me.
"Keep talking, white boy, and watch what I do." I raised an eyebrow, my teasing grin growing even more.
"Are you threatening me?"
"No. I'm making you a promise. Keep talking shit and I'll punch you right in your throat." I chuckled.
"So your affection for me doesn't affect your want to beat the hell out of me?"
"Nope," he said bluntly. He threw his head back, closing his eyes again. I watched as his facial muscles relaxed and the tension in his body faded away. The sight made me smile and curl up a bit more in his grasp. As I let my own eyes close and the soft beats of a new Spanish song play, I began to think about the position we were in. I realized that I was the feminine one in our relationship – or at least for the moment. Usually, I was always the one holding the girl while she lay on me but now I was laying on Jayden. A part of me didn't mind being the "girl" in our embrace since he was comfortable and warm and his arms felt so right to me. "You're quiet," Jayden commented.
"I'm not trying to get punched in the throat." Jayden chuckled softly.
"I want you to talk to me. If you don't then I'm going to fall asleep."
"Yea, I think I might too. You're really..fortable."
"Thanks." I felt his lips kiss the top of my head. "Talk to me about something. Anything."
"Um, the football team made it into the championships. I'm not sure when it is but it's sometime soon. You should come to the game. I'd...I'd like it if you were there."
"Okay. Just let me know and I'll be there." I smiled. "When does basketball season start? Don't you play basketball too?"
"Yea. I think it starts in mid-December. I'm not quite sure though. Sometime in December. You should come to all our games."
"Okay. Anything for you." I blushed deeply as he kissed my head again except this time his lips lingered in my hair. One of his hands began to rub my back as he began to speak next. "So, can I ask you a question? I want you to be honest with me about this."
"Okay." I opened my eyes and looked up at him. Jayden was staring up at the ceiling, his emerald eyes lost in thought. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it again, his eyes moving slightly as his thoughts changed. "What is it," I asked as I sat up a bit.
"Well, I'm just wondering how far you're expecting to take this...this thing that's you're implying. I mean, are we...are we dating or are we just messing around or...just what are we?" He said as he looked down at me. His mouth was twisted in a troubled line as were his eyes worried.
"Honestly, I never really thought about it. I just want to be with you."
"In what way," he asked. "You are still technically with Mia and I don't know if I feel comfortable sharing you. I know that's not fair to ask that you break up with her so that you can be with me but I don't want to be your secret."
"Jayden, I was going to end up breaking up with Mia regardless of if you asked me to or not. She's not what I want and there's no point in going on and acting as if she is. But, I'm sorry to say...you're kind of going to be my secret." Jayden's eyes watched me carefully as I got off of him and sat beside him. I leaned against my headboard, avoiding his eyes as he sat up as well. "Look, I know that you don't want to hide what's going to hopefully become our relationship but I have to. I can't come out as gay – not right now. That would cause too many problems."
"What kind of problems?"
"My parents...they aren't really in love with the fact that there are same-sex couples in the world. Why they feel that way: I have no idea. All I know is that they do. Homosexuals have never really bothered me or my sister or even Zac because he's so little but it bothers them to no end. If they found out that I was gay...I don't know what they'd do."
"Hey, they could surprise you. Have you ever thought that maybe they might accept you? You are their pride and joy after all. They love you unconditionally."
"I don't know. Sometimes I think they'd be okay with it but a part of me just knows that they're going to hate me. If I'm gay then I won't be perfect in their eyes anymore and I need to be perfect for them."
"No one's perfect, Daniel. You trying so hard to be perfect is probably the reason why you're always so stressed. Maybe if you just relaxed and focused on being yourself for a little while...maybe you'd be happier."
"I am happy."
"Don't give me that bullshit," Jayden snapped softly. "You're not happy with anything you do. It's so obvious."
"How? Do I walk around with the word unhappy tattooed on my forehead?"
"No but you might as well." I shook my head. "Look, I'm not trying to force you into coming out or any of that but I am trying to get you to think of what good might come out of it. Didn't you feel good when you finally came to terms with yourself about how you felt about me? Don't you feel good now being here with me?"
"Yes." Jayden's hand crept up against the side of my face and lightly guided me to look at him.
"Just consider it, okay," he said. I nodded. He smiled his tiny smile before leaning forward to give me another tender kiss.
"Do you mind if I ask about how you figured out that you were gay? I mean, I remember you telling me that you were in the same boat as me at one time with feeling confused and angry. So, what exactly happened?"
"It's a...it's a long story," he said as he looked away. I scooted closer to him and grabbed his hand. His eyes were filling with an emotion that I'd never seen before in him. His eyes had always been so hard, cold, and emotionless. I was still getting used to seeing the genuineness behind them. So, seeing this new hurt or agony to flash through them caused me to feel a weird way. I wanted to hold him close and tell him that whatever had happened was over. Whoever had hurt him was gone. I wanted to tell him that I was here now and that I would never do anything to hurt him. However, those words couldn't bring themselves to leave my mouth. Somehow, I knew that they wouldn't do much.
"We still have a lot of time," I told him. Jayden nodded once, his hand giving mine a squeeze.
"Alright..." He took a deep breath, his eyes taking him back to a different time period in his mind. I waited patiently for him to start talking. "Do you remember the guy from the club a while ago? The one who was at my matches?"
"Yea. His name is Diego, right?" Jayden nodded. "He's your ex-boyfriend, isn't he?"
"Yes," Jayden murmured. "He's not a good guy, Daniel. That's why I told you to stay away from him before."
"What happened between you guys? What did he do to you?"
"Well, we first met in eighth grade. His former gym had merged with mine so all the students had to train together. During that year, we were learning how to begin fighting an actual opponent so Diego and I got paired together since we were both in the same high level or whatever. I wasn't technically supposed to be his partner since he was older than me but my skill level was too much higher than the other kids my age. So, we started talking and I kind of started to look up to him. By then, my brothers were gone and my dad was deployed so I didn't really have any other guys around me. Since he was two years older, I kind of made him my role model. I will admit that he's a smart guy who's strong and has a bright future ahead of him. I wanted to be just like him. We spent a lot of time together during that year. We trained, fought, traveled and throughout all that, we became close friends. I remember Beth used to be so jealous because of how much time I spent with him. I tried to bring them together a lot but Beth didn't like him much. She always told me to be careful around him. I didn't understand why but of course other people always see the things that you don't see. But in reality, I was just blinded by the admiration I held for him. I put him on the highest pedestal and practically worshipped the ground he walked on. He took advantage of that." He paused, looking down. "I think it was the middle of freshman year when he cornered me at the gym and kissed me. It wasn't like how I kissed you though, Daniel. It wasn't soft or passionate or any of that. Instead, it was forceful and cold and manipulative. He practically tried to force himself on me but I got away from him. That night, I...I tried so hard to put it out of my mind but I couldn't because somewhere inside me, I knew that I liked the kiss. I was afraid to show it though. I told you before that my family are strict, devoted Catholics and Catholics have nothing against homosexuality but they're not exactly advocates of it. So, I didn't tell my family about the kiss for a while. But, it kind of became hard to keep my feelings inside when Diego started coming on me a bit more strongly. He knew what was doing to me but at first it wasn't in a bad sense. He wanted to date me. So, after a while of trying to deny everything, I finally gave in and went out with him. I will admit that he deserved a best boyfriend award for that first year or so. He was so caring and genuine and sweet. But as soon as he graduated high school, he changed. He started trying to control me and keep me all to himself. Or at least that's what I interpreted at first. Then, I...he...we had sex. It was my first time and it wasn't at all what I wanted. It hurt like hell and he was rough and I didn't feel any sort of love towards him when it happened. I felt as if I was being raped, honestly. That meant a lot to me since I was in love with him. Sex was supposed to feel better when you were in love – not painful. After that night, though, things got worse per to say. He started beating on me, forcing himself on me whenever we were alone, he tried to pimp me out to his friends and he even cheated on me more times than I can count. He tore up whatever genuine emotions I had left inside me. I didn't have the strength to leave him until the end of my junior year but that ended up being worse for me. He refused to let me go. Throughout this whole past summer, he's been threatening me and trying to hurt me. Yea, I fight back and all but there's only so much a guy can take."
"I'm so sorry, Jayden," I murmured, moving close so that I could wrap my arm around him. His body relaxed in my embrace, his head leaning into my shoulder a bit. "I didn't know that he did all of that to you. You didn't deserve any of that."
"A part of me thinks the only reason he got so controlling was because of you." I raised an eyebrow.
"Me? But we didn't even talk back then."
"I know," he said simply. "But, I've known you for a long time, white boy. I remember seeing you on the first day of high school with your scrawny ass and your cut hair. I remember you talked to everyone that first day and I remember we had a couple classes together. You used to babble about stupid stuff all the time to me. But then sophomore year came and I think you forgot about me. You never knew my name anyway so I figured that you would've. I never forgot you though. You were Daniel Crawford, star of the football team, the best forward in school history on the basketball team and captain of the track team. You were the guy with the perfect blue eyes in history class who used to talk to me about absolute nonsense. The one with the perfect laugh, the straight white teeth and the handsomest face I'd ever seen." His green eyes looked up at me. "I've liked you for a long time, Daniel." As he talked, I felt myself blushing deeply. Honestly, I didn't remember much of freshman year. I was always so busy and I'd made so many friends. But now that he mentioned it, I did remember him. He was the kid who sat behind me in a few of my classes. The one who never said a word and always had a blank expression on his face. The one who I tried so hard to get a laugh or a smile out of. The one I tried so hard to make happy.
"How come you never said anything," I asked him.
"Because you were annoying," Jayden said with a smirk. I rolled my eyes.
"Whatever; you know you liked it."
"Maybe." I smiled and kissed his head. Jayden crushed me against him, his head pressed against my chest now. "You never answered my question though," he murmured.
"I want us to be exclusive except no one can know. I mean, at least no one in my world. You can tell your family and, well, Beth already knows but you can't tell anyone at school or Melanie or anyone."
"You don't want Melanie to know? Why not?"
"Because even she has a certain image of me and I need to figure out how to break it to her. I'm sure she won't care but still, it's a personal subject for me."
"Have you told anyone about us?"
"Well...I may have slipped to Ashley but she won't tell anyone. She's pretty good at keeping her mouth shut." Jayden nodded. "I'm sorry that it has to be this way but I just want to find some courage before I just start blurting stuff out. You know what happens when people find out you're gay."
"Yes, I do know. I'm not exactly out there either, ya know. I'm out the closet but no one knows."
"That's because you're quiet and everyone is afraid of you. I doubt anyone would even dare trying to screw around with you if they found out." Jayden chuckled.
"True. And if they dare to try to screw around with you when you do come out then let them know that I do have access to big guns and I'm not afraid to use them." I shook my head as he picked his head up to look at me. "We're gonna be okay, Daniel. I promise." He leaned in to kiss me softly. This kiss lasted longer than a moment. We let our lips move together in harmony for a long while, even letting our tongues collide together. His lips tasted so sweet and they were so soft. I couldn't help but to hold him closer. I never wanted to let him go. I wanted to just stay there in that moment with our lips connected and the faith in his promise lingering in the air. Suddenly, the song he had mentioned earlier popped into my head. If he was gonna be somebody's heartbreak then I was more than happy to let him be mine.