No Turning Back - Chapter 26: Chapter 26

"Are you even listening to me," I heard Melanie ask as she snapped her fingers in front of my face. I blinked out of my thoughts as I focused back in to look down at her concerned face. Her soft brown eyes were staring up at me while her plump lips were pressed into a slight frown. "Are you alright," she asked. I blinked once more as I tried to remember what she had been babbling on about. I wanted to say it was something about Damien but I wasn't sure. Maybe it was about Stanford or her mother or her clothes. Dammit, was I really that zoned out that I couldn't even hear the last of what she was saying?
"I'm fine," I told her. She tilted her head at me, her eyes telling me that she knew something was wrong. I wish I could tell her about what's been running through my mind about Jayden and Diego and whatever the hell had happened with them and Mia. I was so confused and lost now that I was getting the hint that maybe a tiny part of it had to do with me. Jayden had been trying to brush off the conversation he'd had with his ex-boyfriend just the week before but I hadn't forgotten what he'd said. I also hadn't forgotten all those warnings from Mia about staying away from Jayden. Before, I thought maybe she was worried since I was her boyfriend at the time so I had shrugged it off. But when Diego told me the same thing, I couldn't help but to feel a bit skeptical of everything. Sure, I trusted that Jayden wasn't going to hurt me but I still wanted to know why everyone was telling me to keep my distance from him.
"Danny, you know I can see right through that little façade of yours. Tell me what's wrong," she said as she leaned her hand in her hands. We were in our third period class but our teacher had given us a free period since she forgot our worksheets at her house. "Did something happen with your secret lover?" I blushed slightly at the sound of that again.
"It's nothing," I murmured. Melanie raised her eyebrows.
"Ah, so you do have a secret lover? Who is it? You can trust me. I won't tell anyone."
"Mel, you know that I love you and I trust you but I just...I can't tell you."
"Why not," she asked quickly.
"Are you sleeping with some other guy's girlfriend or something?"
"No... It's complicated, that's all. I promise I'll tell you when things get less complicated, okay?" Melanie pursed her lips as she stared at me. I could see her mind contemplating the deal behind her chocolate eyes. It was obvious that she didn't want to take the offer but she also saw that I wasn't going to tell her so she might as well take what she could get. Slowly, she nodded her head.
"Fine. If you can't tell me who the person is then could you at least tell me what's going on? You look really beat up over it."
"Honestly, Mel, I don't know what's going on. All I know is that I keep getting hints to stay away from...my secret lover or whatever you want to call it...and I keep getting this feeling as if there's a solid reason of why I keep getting these hints. I feel as if there's something bad attached to them."
"Well, have you talked to your secret lover about this?"
"I tried but they just brush it off or change the subject. It's not something that they'll talk about willingly."
"I have an idea but I don't think you're going to like it." I raised an eyebrow.
"Honestly, Mel, whatever plan you've got is what I'll have to take because I'm coming up with nothing on my significant other's part."
"Okay. Well, I was thinking that you could maybe talk to one of the people who've been giving you those hints or warnings or whatever you want to call them. Maybe then you could get the full story."
"But...but how do I know if they're not going to lie about it?"
"Daniel, I don't want to sound mean but how will you know if your secret lover isn't going to lie about it?" I sighed. She did have a solid point there. Although Jayden hasn't lied to me throughout our relationship that doesn't mean that he won't lie to me if he needed to. Besides he won't talk about what happened probably due to the simple fact that he won't have to lie to me. I wondered if what happened was really all that bad. Or if what happened exposed who he was...or at least who he used to be.
I quickly decided to use Melanie's idea so after third period ended, I left my best friend to go find Mia. I should have resorted to go find Bethany but she never dropped a single hint that Jayden was bad for me. She was the one who helped me get with him so I doubted she would have anything bad to say about him. I needed to get Mia's opinion so that I could try to see whatever negative side of him that she thought she had seen. Maybe then I could try to understand what was going on. I found the small girl at her locker, switching her books out. "Hey Mia," I said as I came up behind her. She quickly turned at the sound of my voice, her blonde curls bouncing. Her big blue eyes looked up at me and I saw some light return to them.
"Daniel," she said as a smile started to arise on her lips. "Hi."
"Hey. Are you busy? I need to talk to you." She shook her head, her smile widening on her pink lips.
"Okay, what do you want to talk about?"
"Um, do you mind if we go somewhere a bit more quiet and private?"
"Sure," she said. She turned around to quickly finish up switching out her books before closing her locker and leading me down the hall to the library. I followed her down to the very back of the room and sat down at a table with her. She beamed as she stared at me. Her big blue eyes were filled with a bit of anxiety but not the bad kind. Instead, she looked kind of happy that I was talking to her after these couple months had passed. As I analyzed both her happy facial and forward body expressions, I realized that she might have been taking this meeting the wrong way. I think she was thinking that I was going to get back together with her. Dammit. "So, what do you want to talk about," she asked.
"Listen, I want you to be honest with me. Please. Can you do that for me?"
"Of course." Her smile began to fall as she stared at my serious expression. One of her small, porcelain hands came onto mine to give it a soft squeeze. "Daniel, what's wrong?"
"What happened between you and Jayden? What exactly happened?" Mia blinked as her eyes widened a bit. It was obvious that she was surprised by my question. I would be too if I were in her position. I mean, I was her ex-boyfriend who just popped out of thin air and started asking about something that had happened almost four years prior. Or at least I wanted to think it was four years prior.
"So I'm guessing you are with Jayden? And that you've spoken to Diego?" I shook my head.
"That's not important," I said. "Please, Mia, just tell me what I need to know." She looked down to her hand that still rested on mine and sighed.
"You're such a good guy, Daniel," she started. "You deserve so much better than what Jayden is."
"And what is he," I asked.
"He's...he's not what you think he is. That's for sure." She sighed again as she began to rub her thumb over the back of my hand. "Remember when I told you that he was a manipulator? That he wasn't the loving type? That he would dump someone once he gets what he wants?"
"Yea," I murmured.
"Look, Daniel, I'm not telling you this to hurt you or anything. I'm only telling you because you want to know and also because you're too good for him to hurt you." I waited for her to continue as she looked around the room. "Back in 7th grade, Jayden found out he was gay. I wish I could tell you exactly how he found out but even I'm not sure. One day, he just came up to us and told us that he liked guys. Bethany and I were a bit mad about it since we both were in love with him and everything but we got over it. We had no choice but to since we knew that we didn't have a chance. Anyway, Jayden was never...he was never nice per to say. I get that he had nothing to be happy about but literally, the dude used to be an asshole. So, when he figured out his sexuality, he sort of broke a lot of hearts. We may have been young but you'd be surprised at how many guys out there were actually playing on the other team. Jayden took advantage of each and every one of them. He would get them to fall in love with him and then he'd crush them by cheating on them or just by telling them that he never loved them and that he never would. I'm not sure if sex was ever involved but I wouldn't doubt if it was since some of those boys did fall pretty damn hard. He called them his little bets like it was a game or something. So, these little "bets" continued throughout the rest of middle school until we got to high school. Note that Bethany and I tried to get him to stop being such an asshole but he didn't listen to either of us. Bethany just knew him longer so she just put more effort into trying to help him since they're like siblings or whatever. But, I was dating Diego when our fall out happened. I know that Jayden may have told you that Diego was his MMA partner since their gyms merged and all that which is true. That part is one hundred percent true. But, what Jayden may have lied about is that Diego didn't seduce him. Jayden was the one who backed Diego into a wall and kissed him. The son of a bitch knew that Diego was mine but he didn't care. In Jayden's mind, all he sees is what he wants and he doesn't care who it belongs to. All he cares about is how he's going to get it. When I found out about what happened, I did flip out on Jayden but Bethany sat there and defended him when she knew he was wrong. She knew he was dead wrong but she defended him anyway. I know that this all probably does sound stupid but to have your two best friends betray you like that is hard and it hurts so badly. So, I did what I thought was right: I retaliated. I spread rumors. I picked fights with both of them. I ruined their relationships. I buried both of them. I wasn't the only one though. They've both had their share of burying me as well. It was like a silent war between us for those three years. Then, senior year hit and I finally got the courage to talk to you. Daniel, I will admit that I have liked you since sophomore year but I also knew that Jayden liked you since freshman year. It was stupid, really, how his mind ticked. He wanted both you and Diego but he took what he thought was easier. So, when I got with you, he turned his attention from whatever game he was playing and turned his attention to you. He made you his next bet. I tried to make sure that you stayed mine but I couldn't control whatever you felt. When he finally got you, he told me that he was going to break you so hard and then make me watch your downward spiral. He knows that I really care about you and he knows that seeing you hurt will hurt me. Diego knows that too since the same thing happened to him with the exception that Jayden just kept emotionally hurting him since Diego really did care about him and always tried to go back to him. Daniel, I'm sorry to say this but Jayden does not care about you. He doesn't care about anyone. All he wants is to break you down. All you are to him is a stupid game, another heart to break. I'm sorry that I have to tell you this but it's the truth."
Mia stared at me with sad eyes as she waited for me to say something. Honestly, I didn't know what to say. I felt paralyzed. I felt numb. I felt empty. I felt hurt. I felt angry. I felt used. I felt alone. So many emotions swarmed around my body. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to punch something. I wanted to run away. I wanted to curl up into a ball and die. The small girl in front of me noticed my loss of words and frowned. To my surprise, she got up and gave me a hug. "I'm sorry," she whispered into my ear.
"It's not your fault," I breathed. "It's not your fault." She slowly began to pull out of the hug, her blue eyes looking over me carefully. I avoided her pitiful gaze by turning my own eyes to the floor. I didn't know what to feel in that moment but then again, I don't think I wanted to feel at all. I didn't want to feel my heart as it started to break nor did I want to feel the humiliation that came from realizing that I was nothing more than a mere game to someone who I'd come to genuinely care about. I just wanted to lie down in my bed, curl up into a ball, and just try to hold myself together.
"Are you alright," I heard Mia ask. Her voice was soft, gentle and filled with concern. There was no doubt in my mind that she didn't care about the emotional damage I was feeling. There was also no doubt in my mind that she was lying to me. I could see the tender hurt in her eyes when she was talking as well as hear the raw emotion in her voice. When Jayden had taken Diego away from her, he'd really hurt her. But of course that would hurt any girl. Having your boyfriend be taken away by another girl was one thing but by another guy – that's a whole new level of betrayal. I guess it didn't help that both her best friends turned on her. That would make anyone's misery even worse.
"I don't know," I admitted. As my mind went on to think about the things Jayden has done in his past, I felt my stomach twist up. I had never believed that he could be that bad of a guy. I always thought that he was just a tortured soul; someone who was misunderstood and alone. I'd never imagined that he was one of those player types who broke hearts for the fun of it. Sure, I could see him playing that role but that was before I actually got to know who he was on the inside. Unless the person I knew him to be was a lie too.
"Well, I'm here for you if you need me." She gave me another soft hug before standing up. She held one of her small hands out to me. "Come on. You should eat something." I sighed but nodded. I grabbed her hand and let her lead me down to the vending machines. I didn't really talk as I munched down on some chips that I brought. Instead, Mia did all the talking for me. She stood beside me in the hallway near the cafeteria and babbled on about what was going on in her life. I was guessing that she was trying to help keep my mind off of the information I'd just found out about. I was grateful for her efforts but I didn't think anything could keep my mind from wandering to the dark thoughts. Throughout the rest of the day, I couldn't concentrate on much of anything. Hell, I felt as if I wasn't even in the school. I felt as if I was watching myself sitting there, staring at the teacher and pretending as if I was following along to what they were saying. I looked like my normal self but I was good at masking my feelings. I was good at faking smiles and keeping my eyes bright. I'd mastered it at the mere age of five so I was more than an expert at it now.
Eighth period came faster than I wanted it to. When seventh period ended, I contemplated skipping the class and just camping out in the car to wait for Ashley. I could skip one practice. The coach wouldn't mind. I would just tell him later that I got sick and wasn't in the right condition to play. Damn, I sounded like such a coward. I was afraid to face something that I knew I couldn't run away from. I couldn't avoid Jayden forever before he figured that something was wrong. We were going to have to talk about what Mia told me eventually. While we might not do it in school, I still wanted to get it over with. I wanted to just get my heart broken and deal with the aftermath. It was better to get it out the way while it was fresh rather than after it had been healed.
I kept my eyes trained to the floor as I walked into my AP chemistry class. I heard Mr. Myers yelling on about the topic of today's lecture as I made my way up to our table. My stomach fluttered against my will as I somehow felt his green eyes turn to me. My body yearned to turn towards him and give him a smile but I fought against it. I didn't think I could bear to look at him. If I did then I don't know how my emotions would cause me to react. I didn't want to risk having an emotional breakdown in the middle of class so I just kept my eyes down and took notes like I usually do. Luckily, Mr. Myers didn't give us any free time and lectured through the whole class period. When the bell rang, I practically hopped out of my seat and ran out the door. I'm pretty sure Jayden was giving me quizzical looks as I did so but I didn't really care. I just wanted to get away.
My basketball practice went by smoothly since I had to divert my mind elsewhere to make sure that I played well. I think the distraction made my emotions relax a little bit more. I felt a bit better once practice ended. My coach wanted to talk to me about the play-offs this year when practice did end so I was the last one to get into the locker room. I was also the last one to be in there. Most of the other guys quickly changed, spared me a goodbye, and left. So, I was left alone for a moment. Note that I said for a moment.
"Hey," I heard his voice say. I had been pulling off my practice jersey when I heard his voice so I almost stopped in mid movement. I was a bit surprised at his presence. Usually, he would just meet me outside the gym or at my car or something. He'd never come into the locker room before. I pulled the jersey over my head, unveiling my eyes so that I could see my boyfriend. He was leaning against the lockers on his shoulder, his green eyes staring at me with concern. "Are you alright? You bolted out of chemistry."
"I'm fine," I lied. Jayden raised an eyebrow, obviously not buying my statement.
"Daniel, what's wrong," he asked, his voice taking on a softer tone. "I can tell that there's something bothering you." I sighed, looking around the empty locker room.
"I...I talked to Mia," I murmured. Jayden blinked, his face not taking a reaction to my statement. A part of me was expecting that there would be some type of facial change or something but his face literally remained the same.
"Okay." He shrugged. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"She...she told me what you did." He crinkled his eyebrows together in confusion.
"What did I do?"
"You stole her boyfriend." Jayden's eyes tilted upwards as he thought about what I'd said. "Don't tell me that you don't remember. You were just talking to the guy last week."
"Oh," Jayden mumbled. "That." I shook my head.
"You're an ass," I said as I pulled on my tee shirt.
"I'm still confused as to what that has to do with anything. It's not my fault that Diego chose me instead of her. That's his fault, not mine."
"Jayden, she was one of your best friends, does that not mean anything to you? Or do you only care about yourself? From what she told me, I think the latter is the right answer."
"What did she tell you?" He crossed his arms across his chest. "Enlighten me on whatever little lies that she told you."
"I don't think she was lying."
"Oh so you're going to take her word over mine." He nodded as he looked away. "Fair enough."
"Jayden, you lied to me. You lied to me about everything that happened with Diego. Hell, you even lied to me about the reason why you want to be with me."
"I never gave you a reason of why I wanted to be with you," he snapped. "And just so that you know, what happened with Diego freshman year has absolutely nothing to do with us. I stole her boyfriend. So what? It wasn't going to last anyway. Hell, I'm not even with the guy anymore. I'm with you. So why the fuck does it matter?"
"Maybe because you did the same exact thing with me. You stole me away from Mia the same way you did with Diego."
"Oh, I see. You're just going to blame me because I was the one who helped you figure out that you were gay. Believe it or not, Daniel, you weren't going to last with Mia. If you don't obviously know by now but you like guys and she's a girl. Sooner or later, you would have figured that out."
"But that doesn't mean that you had to take me away from her. What has she ever done to you anyway? If anything, all she's done is stand by your side until you betrayed her."
"I'm not going to argue with you about what I did when I was 14 years old, alright? And I'm damn sure not going to argue with you over a bitch who has no relevance to me. If we're going to argue then it might as well be over something that has some type of meaning in our relationship. So, what is it, Daniel? Spit it out. What did Mia tell you that's bothering you? Did she tell you about my past? Is that what's wrong? Because I didn't tell you that I used to be a despicable man whore? Is that what's wrong? Because if it is then if it isn't clear enough, I've changed since then." I shook my head.
"Partially that's what's bothering me."
"And what's the other part?" I hesitated, turning my eyes away from his. I looked down to my hands that I noticed were ringing my jersey. With a sigh, I began to pack up my stuff into my bag. As I did so, I tried to think of a way to present the question to him. I didn't want him to get angry over it but I also wanted him to be honest. I needed to know what was really running through his mind. Maybe then I could figure out how to straighten out my own thoughts.
"What am I to you," I asked softly as I raised my eyes to meet his. He was staring at me, his green eyes glazed over with patience although I could see some irritation behind them. I don't think it was irritation with me but more of irritation with his ex-friend. I wouldn't blame him if he was angry with her. She did give away things that he didn't want me to know. But I didn't want him to put the blame towards her. It was my fault. I was the one who wanted to know what had happened in the first place.
"What do you mean," he asked.
"What am I to you? How do you feel about me? What do you see me as?" Jayden held my gaze as he opened his mouth and then closed it again.
"What are you getting at," he asked cautiously.
"Am I a game to you," I said bluntly. "Am I a little pawn that you're only playing around with? Waiting around to break me just like you did with all of your other pawns?" Jayden's mouth tightened into a line as I saw his eyes flash. There was the reaction that I had been waiting for. It confirmed what Mia had said about me being a game to him. A mere pawn to get back at her with.
"Daniel," Jayden started. "Please don't start with that."
"Why not? I mean, it's true isn't it? I'm just a game to you, right? Another bet? Just another heart to break?" Jayden narrowed his eyes at me. "I guess it's too bad I found out before you had a chance. Sorry, I ruined all the fun."
"Is that what you think," he asked, his voice growing hard. "Do you seriously think that you're just a game to me?" He shook his head. "You know what, Daniel, yes! Yes you were a game to me! When we first got together, I was expecting to break you down just like I've done with every other guy I've hooked up with! In the beginning, you meant absolutely nothing to me! You were nothing more than another pawn in my stupid game! There, I said it! Are you fucking happy now?"
"Fuck you," I told him before grabbing my bag. I made a move to walk away but he came towards me and pushed me against the lockers. "Let me go!" I yelled as I began to squirm around in his grasp. He was stronger than me so I knew that I was wasting energy by trying to get away but I wanted to hurt him somewhat. I wanted him to know that I refused to be near him. I wanted him to know that he hadn't hurt me. I wanted him to know that I was stronger than he predicted me out to be.
"Daniel stop," he said firmly as he pinned my wrists down against the lockers. "Please stop."
"Just let me go. It's clear now that you don't care about me. So, why won't you just let me walk away? We can pretend that all of this never happened. We can pretend that we never got close. We can just go back to ignoring each other."
"Daniel, I don't want to ignore you," he whispered. His green eyes burned with sincerity as well as fear. Was he really afraid of me breaking up with him? "I can't ignore you. I can't afford to let you go. Not with how I feel about you."
"You don't feel anything about me."
"That's not true," he said quickly. "Daniel, that's not true. I will admit that when I first started picking at you and catching your attention, I didn't care about you. I honestly couldn't care less about you or your feelings. I just...I wanted you. I know that sounds weird but that's how my emotions were wired. But then, I got to know you and I started falling in love with you. I meant what I said when I told you that I was so close to being in love with you that second time I kissed you and you denied me. I'll admit that I was surprised at how hurt I felt when you didn't want to return my mutual feeling. Hell, I'll even admit how excited I was when you set up that little first date for us. I just didn't want to show it. Even now, I don't want to show how much I care for you. Daniel, I...I love you." My eyes widened as I stared at him. His green eyes were livid with affection as well as desperation. One of his hands left my wrist so that he could cup my face. "I'm sorry about my mindset when we first started dating but I've changed, Daniel. I swear I've changed. I promise that I can be better. I promise that I can make everything right. I'll tell you anything you want to know about my past and about me and anything you want. Just let me...let me make it better."
"Jayden," I murmured. "I...I don't know what to say."
"You don't have to say much of anything. Just nod your head or something. Give me some type of signal to let me know that we're going to be okay."
"Jayden... I need to leave. I'm going up to California for the weekend to visit Stanford. I'll...I'll see you when I get back." He nodded as he began to back off of me. He avoided my gaze, stuffing his hands in his pockets.
"Are we breaking up," he asked lowly. I felt my stomach clench at the sound of his question. I didn't want to break up with him but I did know that I wanted some time to think. I mean, the fact that I started off as a mere game did hurt whether he cares about me now or not. The first intention does still partially matter. Plus, I didn't know if he was lying to me or not when he told me he loved me. After the fact that he had lied about part of his whole backstory made me question what he had told me. I felt a part of my trust in him fade away. Sure, he could always earn it back but I wasn't sure how long that would take. But was this little loss of trust worth us breaking up?
"I...I don't know." I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. Melanie was probably texting me since she was coming with me up to Stanford for the visit. I know she was excited about it so she was probably asking where I was or to get my ass home soon so that we could leave. "We'll talk when I get back, alright?" He nodded, raising his eyes back up to me.
"I'm sorry...about everything," he told me before turning on his heel and walking away from me. I watched him go, my heart yearning after him. I wanted to run after him. I wanted to grab him and kiss him and tell him that we were going to be okay. I wanted to tell him that I was falling in love with him. I wanted to tell him that it was us against the world. I wanted to make everything better. But that chance was gone now. I had to get going. Hopefully, he would still be here when I got back.