No Turning Back - Chapter 30: Chapter 30

"Danny, Danny," my baby brother yelled as he jumped up and down my bed. "Wake up, wake up! You've got school!"
"Zac," I groaned. "Please stop. I really don't feel good."
"Mommy said you gotta go to school. She let you stay home yesterday so she says you gotta go to school today." I groaned again. My stomach had been bothering me ever since our basketball team had our victory dinner after winning the championships on Friday night. My parents figured that I had food poisoning and took me to the doctor the next day. It turned out that I was actually just having an internal allergic reaction something so my doctor gave me some medicine and told me to rest for a day or two. As soon as I got home, I called Jayden and he came over to take care of me. I mostly slept but he didn't seem to mind. He took the time to study, draw and read one of the new books I'd recommended to him. I think he liked the fact that he was still helping somewhat even though all he had to do was lay near me. His presence really did help. When he was around, I felt a bit better but when he left my stomach only got worse.
"Alright, tell her I'll be downstairs in a minute," I told him. He chirped something before hopping off my bed and running out my room. Sometimes I wondered how he had so much energy so early in the morning, even for a little kid. If I was a child and didn't have to go anywhere until eight in the morning, best believe I would be sleeping. But then again, that might be because I know the horrors of not getting enough sleep. That probably makes all the difference.
Reluctantly, I hauled myself out of my bed and dragged my body into the shower. The hot water calmed some of my muscles and I found that my stomach wasn't feeling as bad as it was before. I was relieved at the fact it was starting to feel better. I didn't want to be walking around all school feeling as if I was going to throw my guts up every five seconds. I carefully got changed into my uniform before heading down the stairs to the kitchen. Ashley was sitting at the table, her eyes wide as she stared down at her phone. I didn't bother asking what she was looking at. I just sat down at the table and dropped my head down.
"Did you take your medicine," my mom asked as I felt her run a hand through my messy hair.
"Yea. I feel a little better though," I mumbled.
"That's good. You think you're gonna be alright enough to eat something?"
"I think I can fathom a granola bar," I said as I slowly picked my head up. I noticed Ashley staring at me, her eyes still wide. "No, I'm not PMSing," I told her. Whenever I would get stomach aches, she would always say that I was PMSing or that my feminine sides were trying to expose themselves. Once she even tried to say I was pregnant. Each and every time, I just stared at her and reminded her that I was pretty sure I was a guy. Sometimes she stared right back and said that guys PMS more than girls do. That's when I would just drop the conversation because it was obvious that she had a smart remark to anything I was going to say.
"Are you sure you want to go to school today," she asked cautiously. I nodded.
"Yea. I am the president, ya know, which means that I can't miss too many days of school."
"I know but you're sick. Plus, you look as if you're turning a bit green." I waved my hand at her.
"I'll be fine." Ashley nodded, her face still holding concern. After I forced a granola bar down my throat, we headed out to school. Ashley stayed close to me as we walked down the hallway. I kept my eyes straight, trying not to look around and unintentionally make myself dizzy. I did notice a lot of kids on their phones though. Most of them were staring at their screens with wide eyes while others were whispering as they passed a phone amongst their group of friends. I wanted to question what was going on but I couldn't exactly bring myself to care. I just needed to get through the day without throwing up or passing out.
Jayden was waiting for me at my locker when I got there, his hands stuffed into his pockets and his green eyes scanning the hall casually. I noticed a lot of people staring at him though which I found weird. Most people avoided Jayden due to the fact that they'd heard terrible things about him. I'd figured now that Mia most likely started those rumors to isolate Jayden but I don't think my boyfriend really cared. In fact, I think he liked the unspoken fear and respect that came with the rumors. He just never verbally expressed it. "Daniel, go home. You look as if you're going to pass out," he said as I approached him.
"I told him to stay home," Ashley chirped from beside me. I glance glared at her. "Doesn't he look a bit green to you? I think he looks a bit green."
"Ashley, I'm fine. It's only a couple of hours and then I can go home and take a nap." I told her.
"I don't know, white boy. You don't exactly look so good," Jayden said as he tilted his head at me.
"My point," Ashley said. "So, Jayden how about you drive Daniel home and just take care of him for the day? I can find Bethany and I'm sure she can cover for you or something."
"Guys, I'm fine," I said. "I'm actually feeling better now that I'm up and about. I can work through this. It's nothing serious."
"You could be internally bleeding right now. Maybe it's better if you do go home and get some rest," Jayden said. He took a step closer as his voice dropped down to a whisper. "Just get some rest," he whispered softly. I sighed. I was about to give in to both of their pleas when I noticed Melanie rushing up to us. I raised an eyebrow as I saw Bethany trailing behind her. I noticed now that most of the kids in the hallway were staring at us now. What the fuck was going on?
"Danny, we need to talk," she said, almost breathless as she stopped in front of us. She looked to Jayden. "All of us need to talk."
"About what," Jayden asked.
"They were actually just leaving. Daniel has food poisoning and he needs to go home. Remember boys? Nice day alone together taking care of Danny?" Ashley said, trying to recapture our attention.
"You have food poisoning? Daniel, how many times do I have to tell you to stay away from crawfish?" Melanie said as she put her hands on her hips. "Are you okay? Did the doctor give you that medicine that makes you-"
"Yes, Melanie," I said with a sigh. "Please let's not scar Bethany and Jayden."
"Hey, Jayden is your boyfriend. He should know these things." She turned to my boyfriend who was staring at her with a raised eyebrow. "When you guys get married, I need to give you a list of all the things that Daniel can't have but tries to have anyway in which I'll give you another list of how to take care of him. Trust me, I won't leave you hanging."
"Melanie, you guys came over here to talk to us about something," I said, trying to get my best friend back on track.
"Maybe we should do this somewhere more private," Bethany said as she looked around at all of the people staring at us. "Come on," she said as she grabbed Jayden's hand. Melanie grabbed my hand as well and began to tow me off. I looked over my shoulder at Ashley who was frowning, her eyes shining with disappointment. Was she trying to hide what was going on from us? Is that why she kept trying to get me to stay home?
The girls led Jayden and I down to an empty classroom. Melanie shut the door behind us and pulled her cell phone out from her sweater pocket. "Okay, so what I'm about to show you guys is what the whole school has seen. So, just don't kill the messenger," she said. She then handed her phone to me. My jaw dropped as I looked down at the picture that was on the screen.
It was of me and Jayden...kissing. Note that Jayden and I were pretty discrete about where we choose to be affectionate so it wasn't as if we were out in the open. No, we were at his uncle's restaurant at closing time. I'm pretty sure it was one of the days in which I'd picked him up from work and we may have made out a little bit. But the weird thing was how good the picture of us was. It wasn't as if someone had taken the picture randomly. No, someone had purposely taken the shot and seemed to have planned it so that we were both clearly seen.
There was more where that photo came from. There was one of us playing around at the old park I used to go to, one of us taking some stupid selfie outside of a movie theatre, one of us kissing out on Jayden's front porch, and one of us holding hands at one of Jayden's tournaments. I hadn't noticed what the main message was until I'd gotten through all of the pictures.
West Side Story featuring Tony and Mario
I felt my stomach lurch in my stomach as my head began to spin. There was no doubt in my mind that Mia had something to do with this but I don't think that was what bothered me the most. Honestly, I'd forgotten about whatever scheme she was cooking up since it had been about a month or two since it'd happened. While I had thought about her exposing us, Jayden always told me that she didn't have the proof to show that she was right. Apparently she did since some of the pictures were kind of old. But again, I didn't feel any anger towards her. I just felt sick to my stomach.
"Esa perra estúpida, loca," I heard Jayden murmur. "You're sure the whole school has gotten this message?"
"Yea. Apparently, it got sent out this morning," Melanie said sadly. She turned her brown eyes to me. "Danny, are you alright?" I shook my head.
"I think I'm gonna throw up," I admitted.
"Need me to take you home," Jayden asked as he put his arm over my shoulders. I shook my head.
"No. I just...I just need to sit down for a moment." My boyfriend helped me sit in the chair of the desk I had been leaning on. I dropped my head down on the desktop as I put my hands on my stomach. I felt my panic attack rising in my throat but the pain in my stomach was distracting me from it. I had always thought that I would come out the closet in a better fashion. I had imagined telling my parents in the safety of my own home with Jayden by side. At least then I could deal with their wrath in privacy and have strength from my boyfriend to handle it. But now, the whole school knew and I knew there's no doubt that the principal was going to call my parents and tell them. The school didn't bother with verbal rumors but when things came out across technical boundaries, they decided to get involved. Especially since this could cause a lot of trouble. There weren't any openly gay guys in our school and it was like that for a reason. The kids in this school were pricks. I'd know that best since I used to be friends with the bullies. I remember they used to always make fun of the feminine boys or the boys who were openly gay. Some of them committed suicide but the bullies didn't care. Since I was well known, I knew that I was going to get it pretty hard. But that was only at school. God only knew what type of hell my parents were going to put me through when they found out. I was going to be so much trouble...
"Daniel, are you sure you're going to be alright," Bethany said. I slowly picked my head up to see the three of them huddling together above me with concerned faces.
"Mhmm," I murmured. "Let's just get this day over with." They all nodded to my request and Jayden helped me out of my seat. I will admit that I got through most of the day with throwing my guts up although I felt even more terrible than I did before. Everyone kept staring at me and whispering things that I didn't bother to listen to. I was guessing the teachers knew since they kept giving me side looks of pity and sometimes even disgust. I tried to pay no mind to them though. I knew that they wouldn't dare voice their opinion unless they found it appropriate to. In this case, it wasn't exactly appropriate. Homosexuality had been claimed as more political than morality beliefs or whatever you want to call it which meant that my teachers weren't allowed to put their two cents into it. I guess that was a good thing though. That meant that I got out of tons of lectures about whatever their thoughts were.
Around the end of sixth period, I got called down to the principal's office. I knew that it was about the pictures that were sent out so I just mentally prepared for what I was going to do. I didn't want to lie about anything but I didn't want to admit to anything either. My parents wouldn't accept it if I were gay. They'd probably throw me out of the house or send me away to military school for the rest of the year or something irrational like that. They would do anything but look me in the eyes and say that being gay was okay. But I also had to consider Jayden too. I cared so much about him and he cared about me. We'd gotten so close over the past couple of months and I couldn't hurt him. I didn't want to hurt him. I was starting to love him.
My parents were in the office already when I got down there as well as Jayden's mom and my boyfriend himself. Jayden's mom was dressed in a pair of scrubs with her hair pulled up. I'd never asked what she did for a living but from her attire, I could guess that she either worked with children or in a hospital or in a retirement home. Either way, it was a big comparison next to my parents in their business suits. My mom shot me a soft smile as well as my dad squeezed my shoulder when I sat down. It was obvious they didn't know what was going on. Not yet.
"Now that we're all here, I suppose we can get started," our principal, Mr. McGuire, said. He eyed me carefully. "Daniel, are you alright? You don't look so well."
"Food poisoning," I murmured. "I'm fine." Mr. McGuire hesitated but nodded.
"Alright. Well, I know you all are probably wondering why I called you down here today. Mrs. Delgado, Mr. and Mrs. Crawford, I'm so sorry to take time out of your working day but I feel as if this should concern you since I am mainly concerned with the safety of your sons."
"The safety of our sons," my mom said. "Is everything alright? What happened?" She looked to me. "Daniel, are you alright?"
"I'm fine, mom," I told her.
"Our boys are friends. From what I know, they're both good kids. They've stayed out of trouble as far as I'm concerned," my father said. Jayden's mother was staring at my parents, a surprised expression on her face. She looked over to her son and murmured something in Spanish. Jayden glanced at her and shook his head. He was keeping his eyes trained to the floor, obviously not trying to stare at me. His mother nodded, folding her hands in her lap.
"They're not in trouble of any sorts, Mr. Crawford, I can assure you that. It's just that early this morning there was a message sent out to all the kids in the school and I'm afraid that it may cause some backlash in regards to your boys." Mr. McGuire picked up some papers and handed them to our parents. I saw that it was an enlarged copy of the message with the pictures on them. Well here it comes...
I diverted my eyes to Jayden's mother who seemed calm, looking over the pictures with a blank face. When she read the caption, however, I saw the corners of her mouth tighten into a slight frown. I understood why though. West Side Story dealt with race and gangs and such. It's understandable why she'd be angry over the choice of comparison. Reluctantly, I then looked over to see my parents' reactions. My mom was frowning deeply, her mouth tight. She dropped the paper away from her face and turned her green eyes to me. Now I'd never really seen my mom angry before so the look in her eyes scared me a bit. My heart got heavier when I looked to my father. First of all, he was practically gripping the paper that he had in his hand. Second of all, his blue eyes were so livid that I thought he was going to set the paper on fire just from the look in them. His jaw was tight and I could see the anger boiling beneath his skin. They were going to kill me.
"As you all know, homosexuality is a big issue in this country. Many people have a very strong disapproval of it and I'm just afraid of what type of torment the boys may go through once the other students find a way to retaliate. We've had many other cases before in which some of the homosexual students have committed suicide or attempted to solve the problem in a violent manner. So, that's why I wanted to present the problem to you first hand and we could all think of some type of solution together. I wouldn't recommend transferring but I would recommend some type of tolerance level for your boys. They both have very bright futures ahead of them and it would hurt me to see them go down a dark road," Mr. McGuire explained.
"I don't think we'll have much of a problem," Jayden's mother said. She glanced at her son. "Mi hijo is more than capable of defending himself in case anyone tries anything. I'm sure that he can handle whatever is thrown at him. Can't you, nene?"
"Si alguno de esos chicos blancos me trata, voy a pegar sus caras en," Jayden muttered. His mother said his name sternly but he kept his eyes trained to the floor. He was glaring at it now, his vibrant eyes starting to express his anger.
"I assure you, Mr. McGuire, that we'll have no trouble on our part. Jayden has known his sexuality for a long time now. I'm sure he's going to be fine," she said. Mr. McGuire smiled softly and nodded.
"Thank you for understanding, Mrs. Delgado." He then turned his attention to my parents who were sending me death glares. I could feel them ripping me limb from limb in their minds as well as yelling all of their disapproving speeches at me. I was going to get an earful when I got home.
"Mr. McGuire," my father said as he moved his gaze to the principal. "I'm afraid that this may have all been a big misunderstanding. My son isn't gay. Are you, Daniel?" My father looked back at me, his eyes expectant. Fuck... Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I knew my father was going to do this to me but I'd never thought that he'd make me do it in front of Jayden. But then again, maybe that was what he wanted. He wanted Jayden to hear me say something that would hurt him so that he would leave me. He wouldn't just stand there and let me be gay. I glanced at Jayden to see he was staring at me, his green eyes soft...and vulnerable. I felt my heart begin to break as I looked into those beautiful eyes. I had to hurt him. I couldn't deny my parents. I just couldn't. I had to do what they wanted me to do. Just as I've always done.
"No," I said, keeping my gaze locked with Jayden's. "I'm not gay. Those pictures...they're not...they're not what you think they are."
"Then please, Daniel, explain what they are," I heard Mr. McGuire say. I looked down, not able to hold Jayden's gaze. I knew that my next words would hurt him and I couldn't bear to see his face when I said them.
"They're nothing, actually. Jayden and I...we were never lovers. We're barely even friends, honestly. Or at least, I never saw it that way. I will admit that I may have led him on just the slightest bit at times so yes I will admit that he has kissed me on occasions but I've always set him straight. He knows that I'm not interested now. He knows that we'll never be together. Honestly, he doesn't mean much of anything to me in a romantic sense. He's just my chemistry partner. That's all."
"Oh. So these pictures are just...?"
"They're just times when Jayden got the wrong idea. We're not dating. We're just friends...barely." I looked to my dad to see that he looked pretty content with my answer. My mother also seemed to have cooled down a little bit so I guess I was in the clear. At least with them I was. I hesitated before I glanced up towards Jayden. I kind of regretted it when I did. He was looking towards the floor, his mouth pulled into a troubled frown. His eyes were unreadable although I could clearly see the hurt forming in them as well as some moisture. He ran a hand through his hair, his face tightening as if he were afraid that he might just break down right then and there. Dammit, what the hell did I just do?
"Alright. I guess that's all settled then." As soon as Mr. McGuire said that, Jayden got up and walked out the room without another word. I sighed and muttered something about having to use the bathroom before getting up and trying to hurry after him. He was heading down towards his locker, stuffing his hands in his pockets. I lightly called his name as I walked quickly after him, trying not to disrupt the classes that were going on around us. He looked over his shoulder at me, his green eyes shining with an unexplainable emotion. He ducked into an empty room and I followed him in.
"Jayden," I started as I closed the door behind me. He turned around to look at me, his anger and hurt starting to arise on his face.
"No, Daniel," he said lowly. "No. You could have said anything else. You could have said that it was just a misunderstanding or that we were only playing around or even that you wanted to experiment. You could have used any lie you could think of but no, you had to use that one."
"I'm sorry. I panicked. I didn't know what else to say. I just...I'm sorry." He shook his head. I came towards him, opening my arms to embrace him but he backed away.
"Daniel, I don't...I don't know if I can do this," he whispered.
"Do what?"
"I can't keep hiding our relationship. If you want to keep hiding your sexuality then fine but I can't do that. I, honestly, can't stand the fact that I can't have you in the clear light of day. I hate sneaking around and only kissing you when we're alone and not being able to hold your hand in public and all of that other PDA stuff that everyone else gets to do. I only put up with all of it because I understood your wants and I respected them. I can manage hiding a relationship but what I can't manage is hearing you say you care about me one minute and then hearing you say that I'm nothing to you the next."
"Jayden, I'm sorry but I don't know what else you expect me to do. You saw the look that my parents gave me in there. I can't come out the closet. Not right now."
"Then when can you come out the closet because from the sounds of it, you're never going to come out. You're always going to be afraid of what your parents are going to think and you'll never have the courage to tell them about who you really are."
"That's not true. I'll tell them eventually."
"Yea, that's what you say now." He crossed his arms across his chest as he looked down at the floor. "Look, I can't keep doing this with you. I really don't want to give you an ultimatum but you're making it really hard not to."
"Jayden, don't do this."
"Why? Because I already know what the answer will be?" He shook his head, his face falling even more. "It's funny, you were just questioning if I really cared about you. I think you should've been asking yourself if you really cared about me."
"I do care about you."
"Yea well obviously not enough." He took a deep breath and ran another hand through his hair. "It's over," he murmured.
"No," I yelled louder than I expected. "It's not over! You can't break up with me over something so small! We can work through this! You can help me find that courage! We can do this together! Jayden, I need you! You're the only one who can help me get through this! Why can't you see that?"
"I do see it, Daniel, but dammit I'm done being your secret! Alright! I'm done with loving you and giving you my all when I only get half of you! That's not fair to me nor is it fair to you either! If we keep trying to build a relationship around a web of lies then we're both only going to get hurt! Does this coincidence not tell you that?"
"Do you want me to be honest or do you want me to lie about what I think this coincidence has told me?" Jayden looked up at me, narrowing his eyes.
"I'm being serious. This is not a time for one of your smart ass remarks."
"Maybe it's not but I don't know what else I can possibly do to make us feel normal again. I don't want to let what happened come between us."
"Daniel, it already has come between us."
"No," I said firmly, clenching my jaw as my stomach took another lurch. My racing emotions were not helping my situation but I was holding up the best I could. "It hasn't come between us. You're just upset that's all. Things can be better once you just clear your mind and really think-"
"My mind is clear, Daniel," Jayden said softly. "It's been clear for a long time coming now. I've been wanting to talk to you about what we were going to do but I just never knew how to present the topic to you."
"So, you were planning to break up with me for a long time coming huh?"
"I never planned on breaking up with you. I just planned on talking to you about how I felt about sneaking around and maybe possibly helping you come out the closet."
"Okay then why are you deciding to try to break up with me now? If you were going to help me then why won't you help me now?"
"Because it's obvious that my efforts aren't going to get you anywhere. You're too afraid of what everyone else might think. You're not brave enough." He sighed. "Look, you know how I feel about you and you know that I sincerely care about you but I...I just can't do this anymore."
"Jayden..."
"Please don't call me or come around the house or any of that. Just...just forget we ever became close. Matter of fact, just pretend that everything you said in that office a few minutes ago was true. Act as if I'm nothing but your chemistry partner. Can you do that?"
"No..." Jayden's vibrant eyes analyzed my probably solemn, tired expression and I saw some guilt begin to appear on his features. He took a couple steps toward me until he was right in front of me. He hesitated but slowly wrapped his arms around me. I did the same with him, holding him tightly. "Please...don't..."
"I love you," he murmured. "Remember that." Tears began to prick behind my eyes as I felt my heart begin to crack right down the middle. The panic attack that had been unconsciously affecting my body came to its peak and I collapsed in his arms. Jayden went down with me, holding me a bit more tightly. "Are you alright," he asked, concern lacing through his accented voice.
"No..." Jayden put his finger under my chin and tilted my head up so that I would look into his eyes. His beautiful green eyes. They watched me carefully through the moisture I saw filling in them, his hands lightly caressing my face. It wasn't long before our lips were crushed together in a slow, passionate, almost desperate kiss. We both knew that this was more than likely our last kiss. Jayden was right when he said I wasn't brave enough to come out. I was a wimp. I could admit that. I could also understand why he was breaking up with me. I was hurting him by hiding him and lying about what he meant to me. I was unintentionally breaking his heart.
We kissed for a long while, both of us trying to mold the memory of each other's tastes into our minds. His lips were so soft and sweet. I never wanted to kiss anyone else's lips but his... Hell, I didn't even want to stop kissing him. I just wanted to freeze time so that we could stay in that moment forever. Despite the cause of the kiss, I couldn't help but to see the passion and love that was held within it. I loved Jayden. I realized that as I sat there, intertwined with him. But he would never know because I would never tell him. I couldn't hold him back any longer. He was out there and I wasn't. Our relationship would never work. I had to let him go...
Jayden was the one who pulled out of the kiss since it was obvious that I wasn't going to be the one to do it. He sent me a sad smile as he untangled himself from me. He helped me stand up, his eyes filling with more moisture. "I guess I'll see you around, white boy," he said, his voice hinting that it was about to crack. I nodded, forcing a small smile on my face.
"I'll see you around," I murmured. Jayden stared at me for a moment, his eyes telling me that he was contemplating taking everything back. He wanted to grab me and tell me that he would never leave me. He wanted to tell me that he would fight through whatever feelings he felt and he would help me in my own battles. He wanted to tell me that we were going to be okay. But he didn't do that. Instead, he lightly pushed me aside and walked out the room as fast as he could. I watched him go, turning my attention to the aching in my chest. I'd experienced heartbreak before but none like this. I could literally feel my heart shattering into little pieces. I could feel the emptiness in my soul...as if a part of me left along with Jayden. I could feel the warm tears as they started to fall from my eyes. I could feel myself breaking down except this time, I wasn't sure if I would be able to recover.