No Turning Back - Chapter 31: Chapter 31

Heartbreak is quite similar to going through Hell. Or at least that's what it feels like in my case. First of all, I felt as if time was struggling to go by. The hours felt like days and the days felt like years. I didn't think they had time in Hell...or at least that's the idea that I've gotten from all the books I've read the discussed that subject. Second of all, I felt as if I was being tortured. My parents weren't really talking to me but that may be because they left two days after the photos came out. My dad was taking a business trip and my mother decided to accompany him. They took little Zac with them and left me in charge of Ashley. They didn't say much during that exchange. They didn't even tell me where they were going. It was merely a "Hey, we're leaving for a week or two. Take care of your sister." Then they walked out the door. I don't really think I minded though. I was going through enough emotional torture without them giving me any of their opinions or lectures.
The torture wasn't even about them though. Honestly, I was starting to care less about what they thought. I was turning my attention more towards my own feelings which were going crazy. Without Jayden around, I always felt empty or depressed or sad. Sometimes, I would wake up in the middle of the night and just stare up at the ceiling as I questioned how I could be so stupid as to let him go. I questioned why I didn't fight harder when I had him right there in my grasp. I questioned why I had to be such a little bitch. I wished I was stronger. I wished that I could just do one thing for my own sake and not for anyone else's. I wished that for once I could just be happy.
The day after the photo fiasco, I found my locker decorated with the words "Fag, homo, and queer" along with rainbow wrapping paper and other annoying stuff. It didn't bother me at first. I was still feeling to empty and upset about losing Jayden to really care. Besides, I could always take the stuff off of my locker. That wasn't really a problem. However, it was a different story, when some of the guys started to push me in the hallway and call me a faggot. I tried to ignore them at first until one of them told me that I probably carried HIV or AIDS. That's when I got a bit pissed off and started yelling back at the assholes. Melanie tried to shut me up plenty of times but I couldn't help it. They were starting to get on my nerves.
I dreaded going to eighth period that day but surprisingly Jayden wasn't there. I wondered what had happened to him until Ashley told me that he had punched some kid who tried to tease him. That would make a lot of sense. While I could try to tolerate the teasing, Jayden wasn't going to take it. I wasn't surprised when Ashley told me that he may have given the kid a black eye. That sounded like Jayden. He was aggressive sometimes. Whoever the teaser was should have known that. He should have expected that he was going to receive a nice left hook in response to whatever the hell he'd said. He probably deserved it.
The day after, another text was sent all around the school but this time it was about Bethany. Apparently, it was a big exposure thing about how she'd had sex with a bunch of guys and she was a prostitute or something like that. I knew Mia was behind the message but I hadn't thought that she'd strike out at Bethany like that. The other girl hadn't done anything to her. But then again, Mia had said that it was a silent war. Nothing too out there or crazy. Until recently anyway. The day that the message went out, Bethany and Mia had a huge fight in the cafeteria about it since apparently Bethany had been raped multiple times as a child. Mia had twisted up the words to make it seem like Bethany was some type of slut which a lot of the girls and boys now thought of her as. Bethany handled Mia though. She gave her a bloody nose, a black eye, and a busted lip. I was surprised Mia could even stand after Jayden pulled Bethany off of her. His best friend was going crazy but I understood her pain. Rape was a serious thing and to twist it up like that was terrible. My heart did feel for Bethany.
In eighth period, later that day, Jayden was in class but he didn't talk to me. We actually had a free period for once so I just caught up on some homework while he sat beside me and drew a picture in his notebook. I wanted to take a look but I didn't want to see the visible representation of how he was feeling inside. Especially if he felt the same way that I did. From his blank, emotionless expression, I could guess that he was concealing more than just whatever hurt was going on inside of him.
As the days went on, I began to notice the return of his scars and bruises on his arms. One day, he even came in with a huge bruise on his cheek. Another, he came in with stitches in a diagonal line over his eyebrow. It was obvious that things were getting bad for him at his house. I wished that I could help him through it and take care of him. I felt bad that there was nothing I could do for him except sit back and watch as he endured whatever torture he was going through. He didn't want me to be around him so I had to respect that wish and just try to move on with my life.
When my parents finally returned from their trip, they didn't really bother with me. They tried to but I just shut them out. My mother constantly asked me about how school was going as well as tried to converse about college but I just brushed her off each time. My father forced me to go out with him multiple times and he tried to act as if the whole photo exposure never happened. He was always joking around about my future wife as well as some of the girls who tried to flirt with me while we were out. Hell, he even took me to Luces Baila a couple times. Of course, Jayden was always there working but he never talked to me. Hell, he didn't even look at me. The only time we actually made eye contact was when he got graced to be our waiter. But even then, he tried his best not to talk much or look at me. The closest thing I got was a couple glances and questions about the service. Other than that, he said nothing.
During school, Jayden would only talk to me when we were doing work on our project or when we were doing a lab or group work in chemistry. It was all business talk, though. He never asked how I was doing or how I was holding up or anything. He only asked what was necessary for the project as well as talked about things that concerned the class. But I couldn't exactly say that he was the only one doing that. I was doing the same too. I rarely talked to him and when I did, it would be something about school work. Other than that, we didn't speak. It was almost back to when we first met and we wouldn't really talk except to piss each other off. The only difference now is that we didn't really talk because we were afraid of what would happen if we did. I know I'd probably end up begging for him to take me back. I'm not exactly sure what he would do but if he wasn't trying to risk talking then I knew it must have been something similar to what I would do.
We went through this routine of not speaking for about a month before one day he came into Chemistry with a black eye. Mr. Myers decided to give us a free period to work on our projects so the moment he let us free, I immediately turned to my ex-boyfriend. "Are you alright," I asked. Jayden glanced at me, his swollen eye twitching slightly from the movement.
"I'm fine," he said simply. "I have some of the supplies so that we can start getting to the actual production of the lotions after school. Do you have the recipes that you were going to ask your mom for?"
"Jayden-"
"Do you?" I sighed but nodded. I reached down into my bag and pulled out my folder. I got out some of the papers of different instructions to make our lotions and handed them to Jayden. "Thank you," he said simply.
"I miss you," I said impulsively. I quickly shut my mouth after I did so, blushing deeply. I honestly hadn't been thinking when I'd said it. I was just staring at his beautifully structured face and...it kind of just came out. He glanced at me but ignored my statement. I decided to continue speaking softly since I had already started. I might as well finish it. "I miss you a lot. I know that you're probably not willing to get back into a relationship with me anytime soon because I'm a wimp but I want you to know that I do miss you and I wanna work things out. When I do come out, I don't want to be standing there alone. I'd always pictured you standing by my side...holding my hand. I...I feel empty without you, Jayden. I don't feel anymore and when I do: all I feel is pain. I'm not saying that you have to come back to me right away but I am saying that I'll be here waiting for you when you think you're ready."
"Daniel, stop it," Jayden said harshly. "Stop right there and shut the fuck up. Alright? We're over and we're not getting back together – ever. Get that through your thick skull while the thought is still fresh." I looked down at the tabletop, feeling some of what was left of my heart fall from their places.
"I'm sorry," I murmured. "I just thought there was still some hope." Jayden shook his head.
"There is but...it's just not going to happen right now."
After that conversation, we just decided to work silently on other work. We worked on our project together after school but we both tried not to talk much. After me expressing my feelings, things just got even more awkward. It was obvious that we both still cared deeply about each other but the wound from our breakup was still too fresh. We needed time to really think about what might be best for us before we even considered getting back together. I understood that so I just decided to leave the subject alone. However, I did think long and hard about my sexuality for the month after Jayden and I had broken up. Slowly, I came to terms with myself and what I wanted. I wanted Jayden and I could deal with that. Whether my parents wanted to deal with that or not was a completely different story but I couldn't bring myself to care. I just wanted to get Jayden back.
A day or two after Jayden's and I's conversation, my parents called me down to my father's study. I didn't really know what they wanted but I did spontaneously decide that I was just going to come out the closet. I decided that I wasn't going to be afraid anymore. I decided that if I wanted to fight for Jayden's love back then the first step would have to be to come out the closet.
"You guys wanted to talk about something," I asked as I walked into my father's study. My father was sitting at his desk while my mother was leaning against the edge of it. I took a seat in one of the chairs in front of the desk and crossed my legs under me.
"Yes...we wanted to talk about the incident that happened a couple weeks ago," my mother said. "Your father and I decided to let you think about what happened before we asked you exactly what was going on between you and that boy. Was he forcing you into something?"
"No."
"Did he hurt you at all?"
"No."
"Then tell us, Daniel, what exactly was going on," my father said. I turned my eyes towards him.
"What did it look like, dad?"
"It looked like you were engaging in a relationship that you had no business being in."
"Why's that? Why is it wrong for two guys to be dating?"
"Because it's disgusting," my mother said. "Two people of the same sex are not supposed to be dating. That's against logical, and biblical standards."
"Mom, we're not even religious. Jayden's highly religious but he doesn't care. Besides, it's not as if gay people can control what they feel. It's not like there's some off switch that they can just push so that they can go back to being straight."
"Maybe there is. Maybe they're just too stubborn to try to find it."
"No, they can't find it because there isn't one. Trust me. I've tried to look for the switch and it's nowhere to be found."
"And what's that supposed to mean," my father asked, his jaw tightening.
"Mom, dad, I'm gay," I said bluntly. "I like guys and as far as I'm concerned: there's nothing wrong with that. Those pictures of Jayden and I, they were of our relationship. Someone took them and leaked them in an attempt to try to hurt us in which it did and we broke up. But, that doesn't matter. What matters, guys, is that I'm...I'm in love with him and he's in love with me. I know that you two think that homosexuals are disgusting or whatever but honestly, we're just people trying to love our counterparts happily – just like heterosexual couples. I know that I should have come out to you guys a long time but I'm coming out to you guys now. Whether you accept me or hate me is your decision but I know that I've accepted who I am and that's all that matters."
My parents stared at me for a moment, their disapproving glares beginning to form on their faces. I watched them both carefully, waiting for the backlash that I knew I was going to receive. I was honestly surprised at how strongly and clearly I spoke about my situation. I'd always thought that I'd be stuttering and nervous but I wasn't. But maybe then, I'd always thought that Jayden would be there to be my strength. He wasn't here though. No, I was alone in this and I had to be my own strength. I had to stand up for once. So, stand up was exactly what I did. It felt good too. The same freedom I'd gotten a taste of when Jayden first kissed me fell over my once again. This time, it was more permanent though. I felt as if I'd broken all the chains that my parents had hooked me up to. I had finally broken away from the person they wanted me to be and was free to run towards who I really was.
My proud feeling was broken when I felt a fist hit my face. A hand grabbed my neck and pulled me up from my seat. I focused back into reality to find myself staring down into my father's livid eyes. He had lifted me up by my neck so I was just dangling in his grasp, staring down at him in surprise. "Now, you listen to me, you little bastard. You are not gay, do you hear me," he growled. "You are straight as a line. Understand? You will not like guys nor will I allow you to prance around as if you do. You are the biggest disappointment I've ever seen," he slammed down on the floor as he said his last sentence. I landed right on my back, the wind getting knocked out of me a bit. I suddenly felt a boot go right into my stomach. "I will be damned if I have a son who's gay."
"I guess you're damned then," I murmured as I struggled to get up from the floor. My father heard my remark and he kicked me right back down. After that, all I felt was him beating the living shit out of me. He kept yelling about how I wasn't going to be gay and how he was so pissed off to have me as his son. My mother sat on the desk and watched, her eyes filled with disgust as my father beat on. Eventually, my siblings heard the noise and they burst into the room. By then though, I'm pretty sure that one of my ribs were broken, my arm was broke, and my face was a bloody mess.
"What the hell are you doing," Ashley yelled.
"Go back to your business," my mother said calmly. Ashley was staring down at me with wide eyes before looking to my mother with the same look.
"Mom, look at him! He's practically getting beaten to death!"
"Danny, Danny, you okay," Zac yelled as he tried to run up to me. Ashley grabbed his hand and kept him back. "Daddy, why you hurt Danny?"
"Because Danny's been a bad boy, that's why," my father replied before kicking me right in the face. Some dark spots started appear in my vision after he did so, my face ringing in pain. Ashley screamed as he did so.
"Leave him alone," she yelled as she ran up to him and tried to push him away from me. He turned around and slapped her to the floor.
"You stay the hell out of it, ya little slut!" He yelled.
"Don't call her that," I murmured from the floor. My father turned his attention back towards me, his blue eyes even more livid than they were before.
"Why not? That's what she is, isn't she? Did you two really think that we wouldn't find out about the doctor's appointments and such? We're not that stupid," he said as he kicked me again. This time he kicked my arm which I think was already broken and I clenched my teeth to fight back the hiss that threatened to escape my lips.
"Stop or I'll call the cops," Ashley said. Her cheek was turning red from when our father had slapped her but she didn't seem to be paying any mind to it.
"You really think we're going to let that happen," my mom asked. She was glaring at my sister, her sweet face turned into something I'd never seen before. My mother picked up a belt that I hadn't noticed was sitting atop of my father's desk. She started towards my sister. "Now, sweetheart, you don't think we're actually going to go to jail just because of you and Daniel wanted to act up? Honey, this is just us disciplining the two of you. I'm sure you remember similar lessons." She then smacked my sister with the belt...right across her face. I wanted to shout something but I could feel my vision blurring as my father resumed punching on me. My eyes went to little Zac who was crying near the doorway, watching with helpless eyes. I mouthed "Run" to him in which he obeyed. He ran out the room and down the hall. I closed my eyes as I felt my father hit me with something that felt like a belt. I tried to stay awake through the rest of the beating. I tried to make sure that I wasn't about to die.
I didn't have to hold my consciousness for long before I heard unfamiliar voices yelling and the strikes stop coming onto me. I opened my eyes just a bit to see what looked like policeman dragging my parents away from us. I noticed a lightly tanned young man with wavy black hair come up beside my sister's fallen figure, his deep voice calling her name as he did so. My vision was blocked of them as I noticed someone with worn jeans and sneakers approach me. The person bent down and I saw the beautiful green eyes that I'd missed so much. The eyes were concerned, scared, worried. I wanted to say something but all that came out was the soft moan of his name. He put a finger to my lips and softly told me not to speak. He told me that help was on the way. He told me to hang on for just a little while longer. He told me that he loved me.
I love you too I murmured mentally before I felt the darkness take over my vision.