No Turning Back - Chapter 36: Chapter 36

Parents always say that graduating high school is a surreal feeling. They tell you that one day you'll be sitting there in your new desk with all of the other freshman, feeling both frightened and excited about everything, and the next you'll be sitting in the a big college auditorium in your graduation gowns, waiting to take the next big step in your life. I'd never believed my parents when they would tell me that. Honestly, I thought that high school was something that dragged on and on. Senior year may have flown by but the other years didn't. They were long, slow, and anything but boring. I will give high school that. It sure was interesting. I honestly couldn't believe that I was sitting up on this stage, next to Michelle Patterson whom was the salutatorian, waiting to give my speech and just be done with high school for good. It was more surreal than I'd imagined it to be.
As I waited for the principal to finish his long speech about our futures, I let myself scan around the building. I first looked around at the audience, a part of me expecting my parents to be there. Sure, I knew that they were facing some serious charges but I think social services would at least grant them the permission to see their kid graduate. Surprisingly, I did find them sitting near the back, their faces stern and tight. I felt a bit of nervousness hit me as I stared at them. I'd been waiting for this moment for years. The moment where I'd make the proudest they've ever been. I forced a smile at them since they were staring directly at me. While my mom looked away, her nose wrinkling a bit in disgust, I saw my dad's eyes crinkle a bit at the sides. It was his form of a silent smile. That was enough for me.
I turned my eyes to my Aunt Tammy, Ashley, her boyfriend, and Zac who were sitting in the bleachers of the big auditorium. My aunt Tammy was watching me with a soft smile, Zac was smiling widely at me, and Ashley was leaning her head on her boyfriend's shoulder, admiration of me painted clearly on her face. I'd met her boyfriend back in the hospital all those months ago and I found that he was actually a pretty cool dude. He really did care about my sister and that's all that mattered to me.
Melanie was sitting in her chair, looking gorgeous in her gold gap and gown. She was staring at me too, a soft smile on her face. On prom night, she had slept with Damien. She felt pretty proud of herself. He'd told her that night that he was going to college near Stanford so that they wouldn't have be a huge distance away from each other. He told her that he loved her. I let her get out all the mushy gushy stuff before I reluctantly told her the reason why I never made it to prom. She cried when I told her what had happened and the next time she saw Jayden, she hugged him tightly and wouldn't let go for a whole half hour. He seemed annoyed by it but I knew that he liked her affection. The two of us had become good friends with both Bethany and Jayden. That had to be one of the best things that came out of this year.
The second best thing was the boy who was sitting in the fourth row of graduates in his royal blue robe, his bright green eyes staring up at me. Jayden...my love. While we weren't still officially together, I don't either of us really cared. Somehow, we had found our way back to each other through both of our tragic times. Somehow, we managed to find the same spark that had been working on us when we first met. We were meant to be together for whatever time there was going to be. How long that was didn't really matter to me. All I knew was that I was going to make that time count. I loved him and I wasn't going to let him go ever again. Jayden noticed I was staring and shot me his tiny smile that I loved so much.
After a long, dragging time, I was finally introduced to make my speech. Surprisingly, my class clapped loudly for me as I walked up to the podium. I was expecting some shouts of inappropriate names but there were none. Guess they figured that they would never see me again so it didn't matter. Thank God. My eyes flicked to my parents in the back and I noticed my father straighten up, a small smile coming upon his face. My mother had also turned back to me, her eyes showing interest in what I was about to say.
"Good afternoon friends, family, and fellow graduates," I began. "I want to start this speech with a question that I want each and every one of you in here to answer. I don't want you to think hard about this. I just want to let the first thing that pops into your mind come out of your mouth – unless it's inappropriate. Then just keep that thought to yourself." There was some chuckles amongst the crowd. "What's the one thing that makes you happiest in this world?"
Immediately, I was hit with an array of murmurs of different things in one moment. "Okay, so I heard pizza, my husband, my parents, my siblings, my children...I think someone out there said Netflix." Another round of soft laughter rang amongst the crowd. "I know you're all wondering why I asked that question. I know you're all probably staring up at me wondering why I'm asking about happiness when I should be up here talking about the start of our futures. I should be up here talking about how much we all loved each other. How much of a big happy family we are. How proud we should be that we made it this far. See, I contemplated talking about all that but I realized that high school wasn't about all of those things. Honestly, if we're spilling truth here: our school isn't a family. We are a group of individuals who are forced together every day and have to deal with each other on a regular basis without killing each other. ...Oh wait, no maybe we are a family." Another round of laughter.
"Honestly, high school for me individually was about more than just family, success, and my future. I've known those three characteristics very well for most of my life and school did nothing but reinforce what I already knew. For me, high school was about finding myself...finding what made me happy. I know that a lot of you know me personally while some of you may not. I do know that you all do know one big thing about me... You all know that I'm gay...you all found that out not too long ago. Now, I'm not going to go into whatever I felt during that time nor will I explain or justify anything to anyone. Instead, I'm going to try to use my experience to help all of you. I see some of you guys giving me looks, wondering how is my story about realizing that I'm gay help any of you. First of all, it's not even about the fact that I like guys or anything else. It's about knowing what happiness in my eyes is. It's a different thing for everyone as we just found out. It can be the sight of pizza, or your husband who you've been married to for the past twenty years, or your mom who is like your best friend or the baby siblings or the smile on your children's faces...or even the red bar as your TV show on Netflix loads up.
"Second of all, happiness isn't just about what gives you a giddy feeling. Happiness is about having something or even doing something that makes you feel alive...something that makes you feel like yourself. So, what does happiness have to do with us sitting here at graduation looking towards college and the rest of our lives?" I shrugged. "I can't say what it may be relevant in all of your lives but I do know that happiness to me is a symbol of what I'm choosing to do with my life. Graduates, who in here knows exactly what they want to do with their life?" Most of the girls in their robes raised their hands while some guys didn't. "That's good. Same for the graduates who don't know exactly what you want to do with your lives. That's good, believe it or not. You shouldn't have to be tied down to one belief or one career or one type of lifestyle because someone else is telling that it's good or its right. Only you can tell if something is the right fit for you. So after today, go out into the world. Go explore! Go take a trip to Rome or Spain or Japan! Go take a train with your girlfriend or boyfriend and just disappear for a couple of days – not literally but you know what I mean. Go on a road trip with a couple of your friends and have some wild adventure. Then go off to college and do some more exploring. Explore until you've found something that makes you feel alive. Whether that is caring for animals, working for the sick, writing literature, digging up artifacts, or even teaching students. Go out and find whatever it is that makes you happy and do it! That doesn't just go for careers; that goes for all of your love lives as well. Go kiss the guy or girl you've had a crush on since freshman year – as long as they're single. Go out on a date with someone who clearly has eyes for you only! Go fall in love with someone you'd never expect you'd end up with! Go find someone who can make you feel as if you're a little kid again! Go find someone who can make you laugh, make you smile, make you feel as if you mean something! We are young! We are free! We are the next generation of this world! Let's be a happy one! Let's be the generation that our future kids will look up too and admire! Let's be the generation of change, of love, of everything that is good! So, class of 2015, go out there and live your life the way that you want it!"
I was surprised when everyone in the room stood up and clapped for me, including my parents. I noticed a newfound pride in my father as he looked at me with a huge smile on his face. I noticed it in my mother too. They were...proud of me. Despite everything they were really proud of me. The simple thought of that made my heart flutter in joy.
The rest of the ceremony passed by pretty quickly. We got our diplomas and some girl in our grade sang "Whenever You Remember" by Carrie Underwood as our graduation song and we were finally dismissed. I found my way towards my aunt, my sister and my brother first when I made it outside. My sister jumped on me, screaming about how happy she was and how awesome she thought my speech was. Zac tugged at my robe and jumped up and down, yelling about how awesome I was. My aunt gave me a big hug and told me that she was proud of me. I noticed throughout the hugs, my parents watching at a distance. I saw a couple cop cars near the field, probably watching them to make sure they didn't do anything. My aunt noticed them as well, gave me a squeeze on the shoulder and leaded my siblings away. "You did good son," my father said as he approached me. "I'm proud of you."
"Thanks, dad."
"I'm still not...I'm not happy with the fact that you're gay but if that's what makes you happy then I guess I'll have to deal with it."
"Thanks for finally coming to that realization." My dad nodded before wrapping an arm around my mother. "I'll see you guys around," I said simply before turning around. I saw Jayden standing not too far away, staring at me with his head tilted. His uncle and his partner were near him, conversing quietly amongst themselves. I smiled at him as I began to walk towards him.
"Nice speech, white boy," he teased. "I stayed awake." I chuckled, shaking my head at him.
"Thanks, Jayden. Um, so, there's this party tonight and I actually got invited so I was wondering if you wanted to come."
"I don't know...a bunch of white kids getting drunk and making out just isn't my scene. Remember homecoming?"
"Oh...yea."
"I was actually just gonna spend some time with Bethany. She's leaving for a summer semester at the University of Pittsburgh so..."
"Yea, yea, I understand. Call me when you're not busy, okay?" Jayden smiled and nodded. He grabbed my hand to pull me close and give me a soft kiss on the lips.
"Bye Jayden."
"See you around, white boy."