Only Fools - Chapter 30: Chapter 30

"Aspen!" my name resounds throughout the unfamiliar house as a voice screams it at a rather high pitch. Tori.
"And you brought Marge!" Tori says excitedly as she walks over to me, clearly already wasted.
"It's Margot actually," Margot corrects my friend. Tori waves a hand at her in dismissal.
"I know that. Twas a nickname," Tori slurs as she begins to lean against me for support.
"What's up with her?" Margot whispers to me as Tori drones on about what I assume to be nonsense under her breath.
"Naomi's not here and she is, therefore, wasted," I explain as I walk Tori over to the couch and push her off of me so that she can sit down on it.
"Are you going to be watching her all night then?" Margot asks me, clearly slightly annoyed by the situation.
"I don't want my friend to get alcohol poisoning or some shit, Margot," I say rather pointedly. Margot groans and shakes her head.
"I know. I just...."
"You just what?" I demand.
"I just kind of wanted to hang out with you,"
I soften at Margot's words and let out a sigh. My heart warms slightly and there's an odd fluttering feeling in my chest. Glancing over at Tori, I notice how she's slumped over against me, a sudden crash from the alcohol clearly occurring. When I look back up, a smile overtakes my face.
"Well then you might just be in luck today," I tell Margot as Keegan pushes through a small crowd to stop in front of us.
"You got her?" I question him.
"Of course," he responds with a reassuring smile. Letting out a sigh of relief, I allow Margot to pull me away from the couch and onto the dance floor. It's a strange feeling, dancing on it sober, but I try to embrace it. I try to focus on the girl dancing in front of me who with each moment seems to relinquish cares and just let herself move. It brings a smile to my face and I try to dance like her. No cares.
But then a thought pops into my brain, banishing my smile and giving me a care. If Keegan is here, Jaxon probably is too. Meaning....
My breath gets caught in my throat once I spot Jaxon standing next to the one person I was hoping he wasn't going to be with: Ivy.
She's leaning on him, her head resting on his shoulder. It's an oddly domestic sight to see and I absolutely hate it. It makes my stomach churn and freezes me in my spot. I can vaguely hear Margot's voice asking me what's wrong. But it's clouded by sadness over the situation. Why isn't it me over there with her?
"I, uh, I gotta use the bathroom. Wait here for me?"
Margot nods at my words and I have to force any tears away as I rush to the kitchen and begin to fill my cup with the strongest alcohol I can find.
As soon as I down the drink, a mixture of guilt and relief floods through me. Guilt because I know I won't be able to stand Margot's disappointment when she finds me. Relief because this is sadly enough just what I need right now.
As I fill my cup yet again, I hear someone clear their throat behind me. As I turn around to see who it is, I'm immediately pulled into a hug.
Once she pulls away, I have to hold back tears once I recognize the happiness in her eyes.
"Hey, bird. Long time no see," Ivy jokes. The nickname that used to consistently bring a smile to my face now sends a sharp pain to my heart. It mocks me for ever thinking it was special.
But I still force a smile onto my face for my best friend's sake.
"Yeah. Hey," I respond to her, sounding way more awkward than I was intending to.
"I have so much to catch you up on, dude," Ivy tells me. The smile on her face tries its best to take away the smile from my own. I take a sip of my drink before scanning the area in an attempt to find Margot.
"So Jax-"
"Ivy. I really need to go find Margot right now. Can you tell me some other time?" I interrupt my friend, knowing that I probably won't be able to hear the "news" without breaking into tears.
Hurt flashes across Ivy's eyes at my words and I instantly regret saying them. I should've just let her tell me how happy she and Jaxon are right now. I probably could've hidden my pain. It would've been better than to see her hurt right now.
"Seriously, Aspen? I thought I was your best friend but I guess you found a replacement already," Ivy spits at me, clearly bitter.
"No. Ivy, it's not like that. I swear,"
Ivy just shakes her head, tears welling in her eyes.
"Please just tell me the news, Ivy," I practically beg the girl. Ivy looks up at my through her lashes before looking back down and fiddling with her hands.
"I kissed Jax at the gala. In case you cared. I guess we don't have to have that kiss tonight. Lucky you, you get out of it," she reveals to me something I sadly enough already know, with a small smile on her face.
"I didn't even know you liked him," I tell her, my defenses raising against my own best friend. She laughs a little at my response though it comes out as more of a bitter sound than anything.
"I guess I wasn't sure if you'd make fun of me or something for it. You're always at his throat at work so...." she trails off, but I understand what she means.
"Well, I'm happy for you, dude," I say as I pull her into a hug so she can't see the tears welling in my eyes. Except, the tears that I expected never actually come.
And I can't help but find slight truth in my statement because I am happy that she's happy. I may have liked her, but she clearly seems to be happy about her situation with Jaxon and who am I to deny her any type of happiness?
"Thanks, Aspen. Sorry for blowing up on you," Ivy says with a nervous laugh.
"It's alright. I understand,"
As I pull away from the hug, I stare at the girl in front of me for a few seconds. She's still as beautiful as she's ever been with her fiery hair and freckles I've always adored, but something feels different and I just can't put my finger on it. There's definitely a different feeling brought about, more pain rather than happiness, though I'm not sure that's what it is.
"Well, I really have to go find Margot," I tell Ivy to which she nods in response. She gives my hand one last squeeze as a way to send me off before I tear through the crowds in search of my friend.
Once I reach the girl, I already have tears streaming down my face which she instantly notices.
"Shit. What's wrong, Aspen?" she asks me, a frown settling onto her face. I just hide my face in her shoulder. Margot quickly wraps her arms around me in response which I greatly appreciate.
"Come on," is all she says before she begins to guide me through the house and eventually up the stairs to a vacant room. After closing and locking the door behind us, Margot joins me in sitting on the bed that sits against the far wall of the room. We stay silent for a couple minutes, the only sound being my intermittent sniffling as I stop crying.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Margot breaks the silence between us. I send a glare Margot's way in response.
"Ok. Did you want me to leave you alone? I'm sensing some hostility here...."
I let out a sigh as I shake my head in response.
"It's just...." I trail off, not even sure how to begin to tell her everything.
"I'm here," Margot says to me as she places her hand over mine.
"Fuck. I just. Where do I even start?" I ask more to myself than her as I pull my hand away and run my fingers through my hair.
"Maybe try the beginning?" Margot offers, clearly trying to lighten up the situation a little bit.
"No fucking way," I say sarcastically and I almost hate that she takes it and doesn't walk away from me right then and there.
"I'm sorry. This is just...."
"Hard?"
"Something like that,"
Margot stays silent but nods her head in response.
"I guess we can start in sixth grade when I met her," I say with a shrug.
"Met who?" Margot asks me, clearly confused, perhaps having thought this was all about something else.
"Ivy," I say, and her name leaves a slightly bitter taste in my mouth. I hate that it does that.
Margot stays silent and I somehow know it's a signal that she's ready for me to continue.
"I actually hated her the first year I met her ironically enough, but then she joined football in seventh grade and Dustin kind of forced us into a friendship. It was just Dustin and I before then, and I was fine with that until I actually got to know Ivy, that is. I'm not exactly sure when I.... when I developed a crush on her. All I can remember was when I started to realize it,"
I chuckle as the memory surfaces in my mind, but the frown never truly leaves my face.
"There was nothing out of the usual about that day. It was probably just another Tuesday, but we were at lunch and she was ranting about some drill she had to do for football and it just dawned on me how pretty she was. It was like something clicked, and I'll always remember that moment. She wore her hair down to school for the first time in forever and there was such determination in her eyes when she spoke. It was like a wildfire.... so maybe I should've known then I would get hurt,"
I go silent for a moment and Margot grabs my hand that's sitting on my lap. This time, I don't push her away. Maybe I need the comfort more than I thought I did or maybe it's just because it's Margot. I use my other hand to wipe the tears that are rolling down my cheeks.
"That was the beginning of freshman year. And of course I noticed other things after that. She always bites her lip when she's nervous. Her humming is always just slightly out of tune. She...." I trail off as the words catch in my throat. Margot squeezes my hand and I shoot her the best attempt at a smile that I can give her right now.
"I've liked her for all that time, Margot. I might have even loved her. I mean, she was my best friend. She was always there for me," I tell the girl before resting my head on her shoulder. Margot begins to draw circles on my hand with her thumb and I try to focus on the small gesture rather than all the things about Ivy that made me fall for her.
"Was she the reason you were crying at the gala?" Margot asks softly.
"Yes. Well, no. But.... yeah," I answer her. Margot stays silent, a signal to explain.
"My feelings aren't exactly reciprocated. She likes Jaxon and.... she kissed him at the gala. I saw it and.... and there was some silly pact we made before I even knew I liked her that we would be each other's first kiss on New Years senior year if we both haven't had ours yet. It's so dumb, but maybe there was a part of me holding on to hope that could change something?.... Anyways, it's over. She kissed him,"
The image flashes through my mind again, accompanied by a pain in my chest. Margot tenses up and I quickly take my head off her shoulder so that I can look at her.
"No, no. It isn't Ivy's fault. Hell, she didn't even know I liked her. She just.... fell for a different person. It fucking hurts, but it's what happened," I say before wiping my eyes which are welling with tears with the back of my hand. Margot's eyes soften a bit at my words but she's still holding my hand rather tightly as if trying to protect me from an event that already occurred.
Yet she simply can't protect me from something that's already been said and done. I've already felt the ramifications from it and the side effects don't seem to be all too short term. Even if Ivy knew nothing about my crush on her and the New Years plan was only a joke that expanded to something greater in my mind alone, I still feel unwanted. I wasn't her first choice and maybe I won't be anyone's.
"Aspen. You know she really missed out, right?" Margot asks me. I tilt my head in confusion, slightly wondering if she read my mind.
"You're a pretty fucking amazing person, Grayson, and it really sucks for Ivy that she missed out on getting out of the friend zone with you. And I understand that this is painful now, but one day you'll find someone who will fully appreciate all that she missed out on and fall head over heels for you," Margot tells me.
"Didn't miss out on much," I say under my breath and almost instantly, I feel Margot slap me on the shoulder.
"So to you Aspen Grayson isn't a funny, loyal, intelligent, hardworking, beautiful individual inside and out, who's a bit weird sometimes but somehow manages to pull it off? Because if so, we're definitely talking about two different Aspen Graysons," Margot tells me, bringing a small smile to my face.
"Did you just call me beautiful?" I tease the girl.
"Fuck you," Margot says with an eye roll.
"I would, but I'm kind of still getting over someone else," I say with a shrug. Margot snorts at my comment and somewhere in the back of my mind, I note how cute it is.
"I guess I'll just wait until you're over her then," Margot responds with a wink that makes my cheeks heat up.
"I, uh, guess you will," I say with a slightly nervous laugh.
"How about we get out of here? We can go to your house and watch Ocean's 11," Margot offers with a smirk.
"Your favorite movie? Sounds like a blast," I say sarcastically.
"Well, I do have good taste," Margot tells me with a wink as she gets off the bed and then offers her hand to help me up which I accept despite the eye roll I give her.
As we walk down the stairs and back through the house, I almost forget about Ivy as I'm too busy smiling when I'm being towed along by Margot. That is, until the countdown starts and it truly hits me what I'm losing out on tonight. This was supposed to be the night I kissed Ivy, the night she realized she felt the same way about me.
I glance around the room and my eyes almost instantly lock on Ivy's as if she was looking for me too. But then Jaxon suddenly enters the frame, ruining the entire photo, as he pulls Ivy by the hand and spins her to face him. Their eyes lock and I have a sense of deja vu that makes me want to spill my guts out onto the floor. A smile overtakes her face once she sees him and he has a matching expression.
I'm absolutely frozen.
5.
I glance up at Margot and something in me tells me to kiss her.
4.
I couldn't do that to her. It would only be out of revenge and I care about her too much. What am I thinking?
3.
As Margot looks down at me, I still can't figure out what to do as my own eyes wander back and forth from Margot's to the sight of Ivy and Jax holding each other close, foreheads touching. But Margot does have such pretty brown eyes.
2.
With beautiful dark curls that I could just reach up and tuck behind her ear. I lock eyes with Margot and something in me snaps. Tears begin to well in my eyes again.
1.
Margot pulls me in for a tight hug and I shut my eyes as tight as I can, fearing for what I might see if I open them. But then I feel Margot spin us around so that we switch positions.
"HAPPY NEW YEAR" resounds all throughout the house but it's muffled to me as I bury my face in the crook of Margot's neck and she begins to sway back and forth to whatever music's currently playing in the background.
As we pull away, I keep our hands attached as I give her a reluctant yet thankful smile. It's then that I make my decision.
I plant a kiss on her cheek before pulling her back in for another hug.
"Happy New Year," I whisper to her.
"Happy New Year, Grayson,"