Only Fools - Chapter 32: Chapter 32

Me: We haven't hung out in a while. There's a party tonight that I'm going to. I'll text you the address??
Ivy: Send away.
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As I enter the house, I make a quick beeline for the alcohol, figuring that I'll need some in my system to get through the night.
"Aspen!"
I instantly not only recognize Tori's voice, but also that she's seemingly not drunk as shit. As I turn to look at her, I try to mask my surprise, but I quite honestly can hardly believe that she appears to be completely sober.
It's then that my eyes are drawn to the blonde girl who's standing beside her with her arms crossed over her chest, giving me a look filled with pity that I fucking hate.
"See, I wish I were you right now, Cap," Tori tells me, nodding towards the beer in my hand.
"Why are you...." I trail off, figuring she'll know what I mean.
"Naomi said she'd make out with me if I didn't drink tonight," Tori says with a shrug before walking away, however by the startled look on Naomi's face, I can tell that's most definitely not something she said.
"I didn't...." Naomi trails off, clearly confused as to what exactly is going on in Tori's brain. A mystery that may never be solved.
"Yeah. The shocked look after she said it kind of gave you away," I clue her in, before taking a sip of my drink. Naomi lets out a sigh. It feels like I'm treading on thin ice with her, skirting around the issues hanging in the air, yet to be addressed. It's never been like this with her before, and I'm not totally sure how to deal with it now.
"I think Keegan might have said something to her, but I honestly have no clue," Naomi reveals to me. I nod, completely understanding the situation. However, after a couple seconds, Naomi's expression softens.
"Are you ok?" Naomi questions me.
"Fuck, Nao. Yes,"
"You're drinking,"
"And? I always drink. Are you about to play I spy to figure out what other shit might be new? Because right now you'd be losing that game," I retort back.
"Stop it, Aspen. If this has something to do with what I said-"
"What you lied about,"
"So it is about that...."
"So you admit you lied!"
"I admit that I told you how I see the situation. It's your choice if you want to believe me or not,"
I scoff at her words before shaking my head.
"Well, it's not about your lies. So you can get off your fucking high horse, thinking you might now be one of the reasons I'm drinking this," I swirl my beer around in front of her, as if I'm attempt to emphasize it.
"Aspen, I'm sorry if you don't see things the way I see them. And maybe I'm wrong about it all. But please at least think about it," Naomi tells me with a frown on her face that I wish would go away.
"What do you think I've been doing? She's all I can think about, Nao! Why did she do what she did? How do I feel about it all? Why don't I feel certain things? Why do I feel other things? What the fuck am I going to do about it?"
Naomi looks down at her feet as the words spill from my lips.
"I get that you want to help, Nao. I really do. But I barely know what I'm feeling right now. How the hell are you supposed to know any better than me?" I look down at my beer before looking back up at the girl, "Maybe you're right, or maybe you're the furthest thing from it. I'll figure that out sometime, but please don't be such an overachiever and get there first."
Naomi lets out a stifled laugh at my words before shaking her head and looking back up at me.
"Got it," she tells me. I nod before looking over at the door, remembering that Ivy should be here soon.
"You're going to see her, aren't you?" Naomi asks me.
"What?"
"Ivy,"
I look down at my feet and that's apparently all the answer she needed before she snatches my drink out of my hand and tosses it in the trash.
"Hey!" I exclaim in protest.
"She's your best friend. You shouldn't need it,"
"And yet I do," I respond as I look longingly at the trash can she just dropped it in. Naomi gives me a look before shaking her head.
"I barely had half of that!" I try to defend yourself.
"Then knowing you, you're barely buzzed. So maybe stay away from any more until you actually try to talk with her first,"
"I was just pregaming," I joke with a lopsided smile.
"For what?" Naomi asks me, tilting her head in slight confusion.
"The bucket loads I'll need when she starts talking about Jaxon," I say saltily.
"And yet the only result this is going to get you is a drunken mistake that you'll regret for days after. I know you," Naomi tells me.
"But-"
"But change the topic of you need to," Naomi interrupts me. Letting out a sigh, I nod, agreeing to her terms. It's then that I decide to check back on the front door again, just in time to see the girl walk in. As Ivy scans the room for me, I almost debate hiding from her. However, Naomi would probably drag me out and force me to face this anyways so there's no use.
I wave Ivy over and she smiles as she walks over to me.
"Long time no see," she says before pulling me into a hug. It's only when I pull away that I notice Naomi is no longer in the room.
"Yeah. Long time no see," I say, putting on a smile for my friend.
"I see you haven't gotten into the alcohol yet.... somehow," Ivy teases me.
"That's what you think," I joke back, though it's really less of a joke than she probably assumes.
"Dang, I missed you, dude," Ivy tells me.
"You did?" I ask, vulnerable to her words.
"Of course I did. Though I'm sure you missed me more. I mean, I can't believe we don't have any classes together this semester!"
"Yeah. That should totally be illegal," I respond, nodding my head along with her.
It's then that she pulls out her phone, seemingly having received a message from someone. And the smile that slips onto her face as her eyes scan across the screen is a clear indicator of who.
"Sorry. That was Jax," she tells me what I unfortunately enough already figured out for myself.
"What do you even see in him?" I ask her, slightly more blunt than I was truly intending on being.
"What?" Ivy asks, clearly caught off guard by my suddenness.
"Jaxon. What do you see in him?" I repeat my question, not wanting to back away from it now.
"I mean, I don't even know how to explain it, Bird,"
"Try?" I attempt to make my response sound less like begging than it actually is.
"He understands me, Aspen. We just get each other. I mean, he comes from a similar family so he knows what it's all like.... We can talk about literally anything and he's always the nicest to me, which basically means there's no judgement and just constant patience. He's so freaking patient with me.... and I can somewhat tell that he just cares as much as I do,"
Once Ivy finishes, I have a different response than I expected myself to have. Her words don't necessarily hurt me. Instead, they make me angry. Because wasn't I all of those things? Couldnt I have been?
I understand her. I've known her family for years. We've always talked about everything. I never judge her and I'm pretty sure that sitting around crushing on her for years is fucking patient. That's as fucking patient as you get.
"How do you even know he's actually like this?" I ask her.
"What the hell do you mean?"
"You barely know him. You only met him a few months ago,"
"How should that matter? We started calling ourselves each other's best friend after two weeks of actually hanging out,"
"We're different,"
"How are we different?"
"Fuck! I don't know. But Jaxon is Jaxon and you could do so much better than him, Ivy!"
"I don't think I can,"
"Oh, so he's perfect now?"
"No. Of course not. No one is. But I think he's pretty close to my version of the word so maybe I want to try to be with him. I don't understand why you're so against this!"
I can't seem to find a response to her words. They hit me like a train. He's making her happy and I'm over here trying to stop it. I'm the classic villain in her story, trying to keep the two lovers from finally living happily ever after. Yet I can't help but selfishly wonder where that leaves me.
"If you just wanted to hang out so we can fight then forget about it,"
"What the fuck do you mean?" I spit back as her words drag me out of my thoughts. When I storm into the kitchen, Ivy trails behind me. I quickly grab a plastic cup and fill it up with the alcohol closest to me. I barely even notice the burn as it slides down my throat, too invested in what Ivy's going to say next.
"We keep fighting, Aspen. And I hate it. I don't know what's going on, but I know you're my best friend. What the hell happened?"
Letting out a sigh, I refill the cup and almost immediately drink the entirety of the contents. I wince once I'm done, but it's still all somehow worth it.
"Aspen. Stop. You seriously shouldn't be getting this drunk," Ivy tries to stop me, concern etched into her voice. And I fucking hate it. So I drink more.
"Fuck off, Ivy," I mumble to the girl.
"No. You're going to stop drinking. We're going to figure this out. And I'm not going to leave because I'm your fucking best friend, Aspen,"
That gets my attention. I set my cup down and give her a confused look.
"What? Did you not know that?" she asks me sarcastically, clearly showing how much this fight has taken its toll on her.
"No. I did," I mumble into my cup. Ivy let's out a sigh before shaking her head. As I tilt my head back to empty the rest of the contents into my mouth, I feel Ivy pull it away from my lips before I watch her toss it into the trash. In the situation we're in, the alcohol can't seem to take effect quickly enough. I want to forget tonight already.
"We're leaving," Ivy says before grabbing my arm and dragging me towards the front door.
"But we just got here," I attempt to protest, now beginning to feel the effects of my drinking. I can't help the gratitude that washes over me because of that. I just want to soon enough forget what I'm even grateful for.
"Keys?" Ivy asks me, ignoring my comment completely as she outstretches her hand in front of me. My brain is clouded enough that it takes a moment for me to even register what she's asking of me. Yet, when I do realize, my stubbornness quickly kicks in.
"No. It's my car. I drive,"
"You're drunk, Aspen,"
"And you need to drive your own car! Stay away from Freddie!" I exclaim, protective of my dear vehicle. Freddie and I have just been through a lot: a bunch of near collisions that weren't entirely my fault, all my One Direction CDs on repeat, the dumb "check engine" light on his dash that just won't go off no matter how hard I manifest it does.
"Dustin drove me here so I don't think that's an option," Ivy tries to reason with me. But I only catch on to one aspect of her statement.
"Dustin's here?" I exclaim excitedly as I begin to look frantically around the room we just exited.
"Yes. But you won't get to see him because we're leaving," Ivy tells me. I pout at her words.
"But...." I don't even remember what I was going to say.
"Keys," Ivy repeats herself. With an annoyed sigh, I dig into my pocket and pull out my lanyard that has all my keys attached so that I don't lose anything.
"Thank you," Ivy says rather sarcastically under her breath. I try not to pay too much attention to it because her tone makes me slightly sad and I don't want to be sad right now.
Once we reach my car, I slide unceremoniously into the passenger seat as Ivy starts the car.
"Hi, Freddie," I whisper to the car with a small smile on my face. Ivy shoots me a slightly concerned look but just shakes her head. She goes to reach for the gear shifter, but I place my hand on hers before she can shift the car into drive and I shake my head.
"I don't want to go yet," I tell her, putting on my best puppy dog eyes in an attempt to win her over. Dang. I love puppies so this better work.
"We need to talk about what just happened," Ivy says quietly to me. I wait a couple moments in an attempt to fully process what she just said.
"We can do that in here," I slur in response with an elegant motion to reference Freddie.
"Shoot. How drunk are you right now?"
"You're really pretty, Ivy," I tell the girl as I stare at the freckles splattered across her cheeks before my focus winds up back down at the gear shifter where my hand is still on top of hers. I smile weakly at the sight.
"That doesn't-"
"Really pretty," I drag out each word as to emphasize my point. I just want her to understand.
"Thank you. You are too, Aspen. I just wish you were sober right now so-"
"I couldn't tell you that you're pretty if I was sober though," I tell her as a matter of fact, though I'm sure I stumbled on a few words when trying to get it out.
"Oh? Are you only a good liar when you're drunk then?" Ivy jokes with me. However, the joke instantly puts a frown on my face.
"No. I tell the truth," I say to her as I cross my arms over my chest defensively. Ivy chuckles before shaking her head.
"Ok. Prove it," Ivy dares me with a mischievous glint in her eye.
"I love you, Ivy," I tell the girl quietly, not completely sure if I want her to hear it.
"Well, I knew that. And I love you too, Bird," Ivy says back, but I can just tell that she means it differently, so I shake my head.
"No, no, no, no,"
"What?" she asks me.
"I like you, Ivy," I confess to the girl. She chuckles slightly at my words.
"I like you too, Aspen," she says with a small laugh, though I know she's still saying it in a different way than I am. Letting out a frustrated sigh, I shake my head.
"No. I like like you. Like, I want to fucking kiss you on the lips and go on dates and hold hands and all that shit,"
The words spill out of my mouth as if I have no say on whether or not they do so. Ivy doesn't say anything, maybe in too much shock.
"Ok. Well, I liked you. Or I might still. But I don't know. You're with Jaxon now. Which, debatable choice. But he seems to make you happy. And I don't want to so much kiss you anymore. Or.... I would if you wanted to. But if you don't, then that's ok too," I ramble on drunkenly. Part of me wishes I would just stop but the other part of me, the part that the alcohol is bringing to light, has been waiting for this day for way too long now.
As I look up at the girl, it's as if some sort of realization hits her and something just clicks.
"You...." she trails off. I don't say anything as I just stare at the girl, allowing my mind to go blank so that the pain of rejection doesn't hit me too hard. The alcohol's effect begins to wear off with each moment of silence from her end. And each moment of silence begins to feel like an entire hour.
"I didn't...." she tries again, but still doesn't quite get any words out. So she seemingly gives up. She lets out a sigh and shifts the car into drive before pulling away from the curb, from the party, as if she's driving away from the situation altogether.
We both stay silent on the drive to my house. The radio doesn't even get turned on so I'm just left anticipating the next thing she might say to me. As it turns out, that doesn't come until we pull into my driveway.
"I'm sorry, Aspen," Ivy tells me. I hadn't looked her way the entire drive and it shocks me to see tears running down her cheeks when I do.
I tilt my head in confusion over her words. What does she have to be sorry over?
"I'm sorry I don't like you in that way, and I'm sorry that I was so oblivious to your feelings,"
Tears now begin to well in my eyes as I shake my head.
"I should've said something sooner," I tell her quietly.
"I should've noticed," Ivy counters.
"Well, to be fair, I usually didn't want you to," I say with a slightly pained laugh.
"Oh gosh. Everything with Jax.... I'm so sorry,"
"You really like him?" I ask her. She nods in response, though there's slight hesitation most likely as an attempt to try and account for my feelings.
"And he makes you happy?" I check with her. She nods yet again, with less hesitation this time.
"Then don't let me affect anything," I tell her with a small shrug even though it hurts me to do so. Just, not as much as I feel it would have just days prior.
"Thank you," she says quietly, and I can tell that she's genuine. I nod in response before we exit the car and make our way into my house and upstairs into my room, too exhausted from the night to do anything but crash down side by side on my bed.
It's then that insecurities over the situation begin to bombard my mind and I'm forced to address them.
"You're not mad at me?" I ask the girl.
"How could I be mad at you?"
"You're not going to leave?"
"Have I ever?"
I go silent because her words trigger a string of memories that I wish wouldn't replay in my mind.
"Shake on it because pinkies are too fragile?" Ivy asks me hesitantly, but I nod firmly in response.
"Shake on it because pinkies can be absolute bitches," I confirm. However, Ivy sends me a warning look that causes for me to let out a sigh.
"Wimps. Pinkies can be wimps. I am sorry that I said a bad word, oh great one,"
"I could've done without the sarcasm, but I'll accept it,"
"And I could've done without the parenting from my best friend,"
"You love it," Ivy teases me, however as soon as the words leave her mouth, I can tell that she regrets them.
"Oh, you just tell yourself that," I joke along, trying to bring back to feeling we had before the words left her lips. And when she smiles, I can tell that I was successful.
So we extend our hands and shake on the promise that she'll still be there for me. She's Ivy. She'll always be here. How could I ever want more when this is all I ever needed?
So I close my eyes and allow myself to drift off to sleep with my best friend by my side.
————
It's just that she's not there when I wake up.
The only thing that's left is a folded up piece of paper in her spot.
Aspen,
I've written this a couple of times and I think this is the best I can come up with. I love you so much. You're my best friend in the entire world and that won't ever change. I swear it. But sometimes what's best for us can be the hardest thing to do. With that said, I think we need some space from each other right now. It'll be hard and I'll miss you tons, but seeing each other every day won't help you let go of your feelings and I don't want you to hurt anymore, Bird. I especially don't want to be the cause of any pain. I'm not mad at you, and I hope this doesn't make you mad at me. But thank you for telling me everything, and I am flattered even if I don't feel the same way. Things are weird between us right now, but we'll find a way to work it out. We always do.
See you in a while,
Ivy