Only Fools - Chapter 33: Chapter 33

As I set down Ivy's note, I let out a shaky breath, but no tears even begin to well in my eyes.
One thought just keeps replaying in my mind: she promised she wouldn't leave.
Running my fingers through my hair, I quickly grab my phone and unlock it to check for any texts from her. Maybe she changed her mind after she left. And yet the only messages I have are from Naomi who is asking how everything went. I don't have the motivation or desire to answer her.
So I lock my phone and then fall back onto my bed, staring at the ceiling fan as it spins in a hypnotic motion. I try not to think too hard about last night because I don't want the feelings that accompany the thoughts. So instead, I think about other nights, nights when a smile just couldn't seem to leave my face.
Like the first night I actually went to a party with Naomi and Tori. We were just freshman at the time but Tori still somehow managed to stand on top of a pool table and get practically the entire crowd there to follow her lead in doing the macarena. I don't even think she had a drop of alcohol in her system.
Or there was also this one time junior year when Dustin and I just drove around together for hours because he had just gotten his license. We fought over what music we would listen to nearly the entire time, but we both felt so happy and free that it didn't really matter.
Or recently when Margot and I had a snowball fight in the park. Something about that girl keeps a smile on my face, and that just makes me want to keep her around for as long as I'm able to.
It's then that I make a decision on what I need to do. Picking my phone back up, I quickly dial the number and wait for an answer, somewhat hoping that I'll even get one.
"Wow. I haven't even been gone for a week. Miss me already?" Alex's voice resounds through the speaker. I snort at his comment as I shake my head.
"You wish," I retort back in response.
"And you called this number why then? Though, if it was a mistake, then you got a pretty great result out of it," Alex says.
"What?"
"You got to hear my voice today. I would say your ears have been blessed, if I'm being completely honest,"
"Yeah right," I say sarcastically as I roll my eyes at my brother.
"Dang. I can almost feel the eye roll from here,"
I chuckle at his antics as I shake my head.
"So.... this was a butt dial or something?" Alex double checks with me.
"Or something...." I trail off, debating over whether I actually want to have this conversation with him.
"What?"
"I didn't know who else to talk to, Alex," I say quietly into the phone.
"Shit. What happened? Is it dad? Is he alright?" Alex almost instantly launches into a barrage of questions.
"No, no. He's fine. I just...."
"What happened?" Alex asks again, just with a softer tone this time. I don't respond, not even sure how to begin to tell him everything I want to and not even sure if me wanting to tell him is real.
"It's Ivy, isn't it?" Alex asks me. I freeze at his words. How did he....
"What do you mean?" I ask him as I begin to pace around my room.
"She was the girl that you liked," he explains.
"Why would you think that?" I ask him, getting slightly defensive over the situation though I'm not completely sure why.
"It just all makes sense, Ass! I mean, first off, you've been telling me all this shit about you. And it's great and all, but let's face it, it's all stuff you would've normally told her. I'm not sure how I got to be the replacement, but I guess it made sense in your mind. Then secondly, you barely brought her up the entire time I was home. Fuck, you didn't even go over her house for Christmas! It honestly felt wrong to drive you to someone else's house that day! I mean-"
"Ok. Stop. I get it. You knew,"
"So I was right?"
"Fuck. Of course you were,"
"Shit.... what happened then?" Alex asks me hesitantly.
"She just doesn't feel the same way," I admit to him.
"Damn,"
"And she said that we need to take some time apart now,"
"Damn,"
I just nod silently. Explaining the situation to someone else just made it that much more real.
"Shit. You had real balls to tell her that though. Like, I get that it didn't work out, but.... She's seriously not gay though? I don't know. Something about a girl playing football. Maybe that's just a stereotype but...."
"That would be a stereotype," I confirm for him.
"Well, I'm sorry she left, Ass," Alex tells me. And there's something about hearing it from him that makes it hit even harder. Maybe it's the genuine tone of his voice. Or maybe it's because those words are damn close to what he said to me when our mom left.
"Me too," I agree with him.
"I'd hug you right now if I could. Just so you know," Alex reveals to me. And it's something about those words that makes me snap. Tears quickly begin to well in my eyes and then slowly roll down my face, burning my cheeks slightly as they go.
"But if you ever tell anyone I said that I will deny and-"
Alex gets cut off as I let out a sob that I just couldn't hold it.
"Oh shit. Are you crying?" Alex asks me, and I can hear the concern in his voice.
"Sorry," I say quietly with a small laugh that's only slightly forced.
"You should be. I don't wanna hear all your sniffling. Gross," Alex says to me, though I can tell that it's all meant as a joke. So in response,
I sniffle louder into the phone just so I can hear him jokingly gag in response.
"Yeah. Suddenly something came up. I have to go," Alex tells me in response. This actually causes for me to laugh a little bit as I shake my head at my sibling.
"I should actually get going though, Ass. I have a team meeting,"
"Oh. Sorry. I didn't know,"
"Yeah. Don't ever call me again. This was a major inconvenience,"
I just smile into the phone.
"You know I was kidding, right?" Alex whispers into the phone as if trying to maintain some kind of made up reputation.
"I know," I reassure him. Alex goes silent for a minute and for a moment I almost believe that he genuinely doesn't know what else to say. But then he speaks again.
"You should go hang out with that one girl. Get your mind off this," Alex suggests to me.
"What girl?"
"You made me drive you to her house on Christmas?"
Margot.
"I don't know...."
"You're not staying home,"
"What?"
"You're not going to stay home and sit and wonder if she's going to come back,"
"But-"
"But you're not going to do that. It's Ivy. She'll be back, Ass. You both just need time,"
"And if she doesn't come back?"
"She isn't mom,"
After our mom left, Alex and I both somewhat couldn't really believe that it had actually happened. We kept telling each other that she would probably be back tomorrow or the next day or the next, and it just kept going. We held onto that hope for months. And yet it never amounted to anything. She never came back. And we never knew why she left.
But I know why Ivy left. She left because of me. Maybe that makes her different. Or maybe that just gives her a reason to never come back into my life.
"Aspen. Stop thinking about it. Go hang out with your friend and forget, even if it's just for a couple hours,"
"Thanks, Alex," I say quietly into the phone.
"Hey, what are big brothers for?"
"Terrorizing their little sisters?" I offer in a sickly sweet voice.
"I'm guessing...."
"I haven't been able to find Gracey since you left, Alex. I swear to god if you took her to college with you-"
"So that was the real reason you called,"
"Alex," I drag his name out as if using it as a warning.
"No. I did not take your stuffed goose to college with me. That would be cruel. What do you take me for?"
"But you messed with her!"
"She's playing hide and seek,"
I groan as I shake my head at him.
"Oh come on, you've been neglecting the poor stuffed animal. She just-"
I don't even let him finish as I hang up the call, leaving a satisfied smirk on my face. With a sigh, I open my messages and give Ivy's name one last look before clicking over to send Margot a message.
Me: Hey. Would you mind if I came over??
Margot takes a few minutes to respond, but when she does, it puts a smile on my face and provides me with a sense of relief, relief from the thoughts in the back of my mind that tried to convince me that she hated me just because she didn't respond for a few minutes.
Margot: Sure as long as you don't mind helping me babysit.
————
"Who are you?" Vivian instantly asks me, popping out from behind Margot as she opens the door. And even though she's rather blunt in her phrasing, I can tell that she doesn't mean it in a rude way, she's just curious.
Today, similar to when I first met the girl on Christmas, Vivian is wearing a gown fit for a princess with a crown placed on top of her head. However, today her gown is pink and covered in glitter and her blonde locks aren't pulled up into a bun but instead are free to flow down to her shoulders.
Margot has seemingly decided to pull off an outfit in stark contrast to her cousin. Rather than wearing a ball gown like Vivian, she's wearing sweatpants and a t shirt with the logo of a band that I've seen before but can't quite place. Her hair is pulled into a messy bun on the top of her head and it will forever amaze me how she can so easily pull off such a simple look.
"That's Aspen. You met her at Christmas, dude," Margot reminds Vivian as I offer the small girl a smile. She seems to have to think for a moment before her eyes light up in recognition.
"Oh, yeah. I remember you," she tells me before turning back to look at Margot.
"And it's Princess Vivian to you," Vivian says to Margot rather resolutely. Her demand almost makes me laugh, yet paired with her current outfit and what I can collect about her personality, it makes complete and utter sense.
"Of course it is, Your Highness," Margot says as she gives her cousin a small curtesy which causes the young girl to smile before she runs back into the house, leaving just Margot and I standing face to face in the doorway.
"Are you going to come in or just keep staring at me?" Margot asks me as she tilts her head to the side. And once Margot asks me this question, suddenly the focus I had on what was going on with Ivy loses its grip as I fall into the normal rhythm with Margot, forcing me to quickly think of something that could be used as a comeback.
"Sorry. I was wondering if you were always this ugly or if that's just a today thing," I tell the girl with a small smirk playing on my lips.
"I'm sure," Margot says with a wink before she steps to the side and allows me to enter the house. Margot closes the door behind me before motioning for me to begin walking as she would follow behind me.
As I step in, the first thing I notice is the smell which makes it clear that Margot's currently preparing dinner. Yet as I begin to move forward, the house is just like I remember it, but without the Christmas spirit it held before. And this time as I walk through the hall into the kitchen, I have an explanation for the pictures on the walls and why Margot is featured in so few. And yet, what I don't have an explanation for is the scene that comes into my view when I look into the dining room.
"What's going on here....?" I ask as I continue to stare into the room where Vivian is sitting at the head of a table with a smile on her face. On all of the chairs around her, sit stuffed animals, some clearly older as they're worn out and slightly discolored, some sharing a chair because of the sheer amount in the crowd. There are, however, two seats open at the other end of the table which I assume to be for Margot and me.
"We're having a princess tea party! Duh," Vivian says as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.
"It's the easiest way I can make sure she actually eats her dinner," Margot whispers to me in an attempt to explain. I roll my eyes though because I know it's only half true.
"Making excuses to cover up the fact that you're a big softie?" I tease her as I elbow her side lightly.
"Whatever," Margot says before she walks back over to check on the food that she's been preparing.
"Are you going to let her give you a makeover next?" I continue to tease the girl. However, the look she gives me as she turns to glance at me leads me to believe I may have just hit the nail right on the head.
"Wait. Really?" I double check with her.
"Nah. I only love her so much," Margot tells me with a shrug before she turns her attention back to the food.
"Wow," I don't know how else to respond. Margot hums
"In my defense, last time she kept repeating how she would transform my ugliness into something worthy of her tea party. It's an extremely bad makeover with a side of verbal bullying," Margot explains to me as she continues to prepare turkey sandwiches that look way fancier than they rightfully should be.
"Truth hurts, May," I tell the girl before turning on my heel and deciding to join the princess tea party in the dining room.
"So, is Margot your personal chef or something?" I ask the little girl as I sit down in one of the empty chairs. Vivian giggles as she shakes her head.
"No. Margot's a princess too, silly," Vivian explains to me.
"Then why is she cooking?"
"She feels bad that she gets to be queen. Because she's older," Vivian whispers to me as if such knowledge is a secret.
"Oh. So she cooks for you to make up for it?"
"Yup," Vivian confirms.
"That's a pretty good deal then. I hear Margot's a good cook,"
"I get only the best," Vivian insists, playing into her princess character.
"Of course, Princess Vivian. I should have known,"
"You should have," Vivian says, crossing her arms.
We sit silent for a minute or so before I come up with a question.
"Well, what does that make me then?" I ask the girl.
"What?"
"Am I a princess too or...." I trail off, not exactly sure what the other options are in this scenario.
"Oh my gosh. Of course you are. This is a princess tea party. You wouldn't be allowed in if you weren't a princess," Vivian declares as if I should've already known it.
"Oh yes. Of course. So, where am I in line for my throne? I have an older brother so does he get it?" I continue the conversation with her.
"Pfft. No. Boys are gross. Only girls get to rule," Vivian tells me.
"Yeah. That's probably wise," I agree with her. She nods her head solemnly before her eyes suddenly widen.
"You and Margot are both going to be queens," she says with a gasp. I furrow my eyebrows, confused as to where this might be going.
"Are you two going to unite our kingdoms?" Princess Vivian asks me excitedly, and I nod in response, not wanting to say no to the girl.
"Unite whose kingdoms?" Margot asks as she walks into the dining room, with plates prepared with turkey sandwiches and mac and cheese. I mouth a 'thank you' to the girl as she sets a plate down in front of me which brings a small smile to her lips along with a nod in response.
"Our's and Aspen's!" Vivian answers her.
"I didn't know you felt that way about me, Princess Aspen," Margot says softly as she sends a wink in my direction.
"What do you mean?" I ask her, now even more confused than I was before.
"You know you unite two kingdoms through marriage, right?" Margot checks with me, causing for my cheeks to burn red as the information clearly flew over my head.
"I.... Why are you assuming I don't mean like.... a treaty?" I try to rebuttal the girl, but her smirk immediately clues me in on the fact that I failed.
"Your red cheeks gave a it away," she whispers to me as Vivian is too busy practically unhinging her jaw so that she can swallow her entire plate of food whole.
"Plus I'm familiar with Vivian's world. Only women can rule," Margot says with a shrug before she continues to eat her food. And so I follow both of their leads and begin to eat mine as well. That is, until Vivian decides to speak again and nearly causes me to choke due to surprise.
"Are you two on a date?"
"No. Do you think you'd be here if we were?" Margot asks, raising her eyebrows at the girl. Vivian's eyes widen before she begins nodding her head as if in understanding.
"I can go to my room," Vivian offers innocently.
"Should she go to her room, Aspen?" Margot asks me with a smirk.
"No. Um, you can stay...." I tell Vivian awkwardly. Vivian smiles at me before she continues eating, seemingly taking a break every so often to whisper something into the ear of the stuffed animals directly beside her. I then turn to glance at Margot, but she catches my eye as soon as I do, causing for me to snap my focus back down to my plate. I hear her chuckle under her breath beside me, but I opt to ignore it.
And as we sit in silence, the events from last night begin to resurface again, leaving my hands shaking as I try to deliver food into my mouth.
————
"Are you sure that's what you want to watch?" Margot double checks with Vivian, who's sitting on the far end of the couch with her arms crossed over her chest.
"Zootopia!" Vivian shouts yet again.
"I think she might want to watch Zootopia," Margot whispers to me after she puts the DVD in the disc player and then sits down directly beside me, leaning into me slightly. I smile softly at her comment.
"Really? I couldn't tell," I respond sarcastically to the girl.
"Oh. Should I ask her again?" Margot jokes as the screen in front of us flashes with the visual of the main menu for the movie.
"Maybe not. I'd like to keep my hearing, preferably,"
Margot just laughs softly in response before starting the movie which results in an excited scream from Vivian's side of the couch.
"Wow. I think there's a possibility that she might like this movie," I whisper to Margot as my eyes focus on the child whose eyes seem to be glued to the screen.
"Really? I-"
"No talking during the movie!" Vivian interrupts Margot from the other side of the couch before shooting her a glare.
"I guess you'll just have to survive without my commentary," I whisper to Margot.
"I'll live," she responds, resulting in me elbowing her softly in the side in response.
As the story begins to unfold, I feel myself getting absorbed into the tale, though not quite absorbed enough to not glance over at Margot a few times and notice Vivian snuggled into her side after a certain point which is truly an adorable sight.
But as I glance over again, I notice Vivian's eyes are shut.
"Is she asleep?" I whisper to Margot as I glance over again at the small girl who's curled up beside her. Margot shrugs in response before giving Vivian a nudge to which she doesn't respond.
"I'm going to go tuck her in. I'll be right back," Margot whispers back to me before scooping the girl into her arms and making sure to also grab the few stuffed animals Vivian had with her before walking out of the room.
As I'm left alone in the room, the events from last night decide to resurface in my mind yet again. The movie just drones on in the background. When Margot returns to the room, the events are still swimming around my head on repeat, leaving me frozen in place.
Margot pauses the movie before she sits back down next to me, but this time facing me and with worry clear on her face.
"What's wrong?" she asks me, and even though I didn't want to unpack this tonight, I'm somewhat touched that she even noticed something was wrong.
"I...." I trail off, not wanting to say what happened out loud, knowing how much explaining hurt to do earlier.
"Take your time," she tells me.
"I told Ivy how I felt about her," I confess to the girl. Sadness flashes through her eyes before she looks down at her hands which are sitting in her lap.
"And I'm guessing it didn't go well?" she asks me, not looking back up even though I kind of wish she would.
"No," I say, my voice cracking slightly which forces Margot to look up at me.
"She said we need to take a break for a little bit. So she left," I tell her with tears welling in my eyes that never actually escape.
"It's Ivy. She'll come back," Margot tries to reassure me.
"That's what I've been told," I say with a pained laugh before I shake my head, "I just wish she didn't think she had to go. I can put this behind me. I just...."
"You still like her?" Margot asks me.
"I'm pretty sure I do,"
And I know that's the closest to the truth I'll allow myself to get.
"I'm not inside you head, so I don't know how true that is, or if you can just put this behind you. But I do know that I can be here for you. I'll only leave if you want me to," Margot reassures me. The doubt that bubbles in my stomach at her words disgusts me. Margot has given me no reason to doubt her and yet I still do so.
"Can we change the topic?" I ask her quickly as I take in a shaky breath.
"Favorite Zootopia character," Margot says suddenly.
"I wonder what inspired that," I say sarcastically as my eyes float over to the animated characters onscreen.
"Are you going to answer?" she asks me. I roll my eyes at her before nodding.
"The fox," I tell her, honestly not remembering the character's name.
"Nick Wilde?" Margot asks me, clearly judging me slightly for not knowing his name.
"Ok. So you clearly payed more attention than me,"
"No, Vivian just makes me watch this at least once a week,"
"Wow. I'm shocked you weren't quoting it,"
"I was under my breath. You didn't notice?"
I smile at her as I tilt my head slightly, taking in the image of the girl in front of me with such a real smile on her face.
"What?" she asks me after a few seconds.
"Nothing. Who's your favorite character?" I ask her in return.
"Mr. Big,"
"The head of the rodent mafia?" I ask her, slightly confused.
"You were paying attention,"
"Well, that part clearly caught my attention," I tell her.
"Well, he's my favorite character," Margot says with a shrug.
"Makes sense,"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I'm not sure," I say, narrowing my eyes at the girl which just causes her to shake her head at me. We both go quite for a moment and I begin to twiddle my thumbs, not wanting to talk about the one topic that my brain keeps returning back to.
"I heard you talked with Harrison the other day," Margot says softly to me. I furrow my eyebrows in confusion for a second before my eyes widen.
"Oh. Yeah. He's in my English class," I tell her. It's then that the memory of the actual conversation actually resurfaces, causing for me to freeze in my spot.
"I heard he kind of outed me to you?" she asks me with a small smirk playing on her lips.
"Shit, yeah. Don't worry. I mean, I haven't said anything to anyone about it. And I won't if you don't want me to. I-"
"Aspen, you're fine. It's not like I'm in the closet or anything. I just don't go around announcing it," Margot says with a chuckle.
"Oh, ok," I say quietly.
"And don't think I didn't tell you because I don't trust you. I trust you. It just didn't come up and it's as simple as that," Margot tells me, easing some of the anxious thoughts that were piling up in the back of my mind.
"So, you're not straight?" I confirm with the girl.
"I'm pansexual," she tells me. I tilt my head slightly in confusion, never having heard the term before.
"If I'm attracted to someone, it's regardless of their gender. If I find someone attractive then I find them attractive,"
I nod slowly in response, figuring I might look it up later so that I can really understand.
"Well, I pretty much just like girls," I say quietly, almost feeling obligated to say something in response.
"I don't see anything wrong with that," Margot tells me with a lopsided smile.
"Ivy's probably going to ask Jax to the Coming Home dance," I whisper to Margot as the thought pops into my head, despite the slight annoyance that registers when I return to the topic of Ivy when I shouldn't.
"I thought we changed the topic?" Margot asks me.
"I don't think I'm going to go. I couldn't stand to...." I trail off at the end, but I know that Margot knows exactly what I'm referring to.
"I'm not going either," Margot tells me.
"What? Why-"
"School dances are just a bunch of teenagers jumping around, trying to live out their glory days because the movies tell them they have to,"
I raise an eyebrow at the girl, finding it amusing how strong willed she can be.
"We could ditch it together," Margot offers me with a shrug.
"Are you asking me to be your Coming Home date, minus the Coming Home part?" I ask her jokingly.
"What? Was I supposed to make a sign or something? Shit. I totally was," Margot jokes back with a small laugh.
"I'll let it slide this time," I tell Margot, though I try to make it sound like I'm hesitating slightly to say so.
"This time?" Margot teases me. I roll my eyes at her before shaking my head.
"Just play the fucking movie," I tell her, not sure how else to get out of the corner I trapped myself in.
"Watch your language. My little cousin is upstairs," Margot scolds me, still in a teasing manner.
"Yeah. I wish I was her. Then I could be away from you," I snap back.
"Sure you do," Margot says sarcastically before pressing play on the movie. I lean against her, resting my head on her shoulder as the mystery of the movie continues. The last thing I remember before I drift into sleep is the scent of Margot's hair, strawberry.