Only Fools - Chapter 43: Chapter 43

"Hello, Declan," I say with a smirk as the boy approaches his locker which just so happens to be located directly next to mine. His strawberry blonde curls bounce as he turns his head to look all around himself once he hears my greeting.
"Believe it or not, I am talking to you, the only person named Declan located in this general vicinity," I notify him as I raise my eyebrows.
"You've never made a move to talk to me before...." he notes, eying me suspiciously.
"So I can't start now?" I challenge him. His eyes widen at my words as he begins to shake his head.
"No! Of course you can! I'm sorry. That was actually kinda rude. How are you?" Declan asks with a nervous chuckle.
Well shit. I had heard that the kid was sweet, but I didn't realize he was a fucking ray of sunshine. What the fuck does he see in Dustin....?
"Well, I'm just great. Thank you for asking. How about you?"
"Oh. I'm doing pretty well. I'm just glad the school day's finally over," Declan responds with a small smile.
"That's good," I say as I wrack my brain for something else to say, "you did a good job with the reading in church today."
What the fuck was that.
"Oh, thank you. I was so worried I was going to trip on my way up to the alter if I'm being honest," Declan reveals sheepishly.
Even with all the talk about how sweet of a person Declan is, it's still disarming actually speaking to him. The boy isn't small by any sense of the word. He's easily over six feet tall with a good portion of his weight being attributed to muscle. He was clearly chosen to be center on the football team for a reason, the boy is an immovable mass. If I saw him in the street and didn't know anything about him, I would be tempted to walk in the other direction, but of course wouldn't because I'm no scaredy-cat.
However, I know Declan enough to realize that I have an inherent desire to mess with him.... just a little bit, mostly for two reasons. One, he's way too sweet. It's terrible. I realize, but the naive ones never see it coming. Two, fucking with him simultaneously means I fuck with Dustin, and Dustin is one of my favorite people to fuck with. After years of messing with him, I must admit that I've lost my touch only slightly, but now I've found his Achilles heel. It's a win-win situation.
"Well, I just wanted to let you know that your secret's safe with me, no pun intended,"
The entire sentence makes Declan pause for a minute. I can see the confusion spread across his features before the wheels in his brain begin turning, attempting to decode what exactly I just said.
"What?" he asks me after a solid few seconds of silence.
"Oh yeah. Just don't worry about it,"
"Worry about what?" Declan asks, slight worry spreading across his features despite my advice to not worry.
"Just that your secret's safe with me, but seriously no pun intended," I repeat myself.
"What are you referring to?"
"It's ok if you didn't get the pun. I understand my humor isn't for everyone," I admit with a shrug.
"No. The secret," Declan dismisses my admission.
"Has anyone ever told you that you say that word weird?"
"What?"
"Secret. You say it weird. Can you say it again?"
"Secret? Wait. What are you referring to?" he asks again, still not breaking his sweetness towards me or raising his voice in the slightest.
"I-."
"Aspen!" I hear Dustin's voice call my name, clearly coming to save his boyfriend from me. God damn. I didn't even break him of his sweet disposition yet. Another time perhaps.
"Dustin! Fancy seeing you here," I voice excitedly as Dustin speed walks to finally arrive at Declan's side who is still giving me quite the inquisitive look.
"Dude, I haven't seen you in so many shakes of a lamb's tail," I exclaim to my best friend, completely ignoring Declan's confusion.
"Is that how you measure time now?" Dustin inquires as he quirks an eyebrow.
"Obviously. It's the only correct way to do so," I huff.
"I wasn't even aware it was a way," Dustin says dryly.
"Uncultured swine," I scoff.
"Wait. Aspen, you never answered my question," Declan chimes in, interrupting Dustin and I's lovely (and educational) conversation.
"I don't remember you asking one," I bluff. I don't have that short term of a memory.
"What secret?" Declan repeats himself yet again, still in a soft tone. Yet, directly after hearing the question repeated, I make the mistake of glancing at Dustin, a clear admission of guilt. Dustin lets out a sigh as he wraps his arms around his boyfriend's shoulders.
"She told you that she knows your secret but wouldn't tell you what secret?" Dustin asks the blond boy next to him. Declan sheepishly nods in response.
"There's no secret. She's just being an idiot,"
My mouth falls open at his words as I slowly shake my head at him.
"She looked up all these ways to fuck with people when we were freshmen. I was her test subject for months until I stopped falling for it. Now, I see she's decided to use you to get to me," Dustin turns away from Declan to narrow his eyes at me, "A well played and effective strategy, I must admit."
"I admit, I was doubtful at first. But thanks to my utter brilliance, I was able to pull it off seamlessly," I narrate dramatically as I press my hand to my chest.
"Whatever, Aspen. What did you want with me?" Dustin asks flatly.
"What makes you think I want anything to do with you?"
"Well, you're over here bothering Declan, and as far as I know you've hardly spoken before," Dustin states with raised brows.
"Declan and I are best friends I'll have you know, better friends than you and I," I claim confidently.
"Aspen, Dustin's right. We really haven't talked. I would be totally open to being friends with you though. I'd like to think that Dustin chooses his friends well," Declan cracks a smile. Of course he would defend him. Fucking significant others always running to each other's defense. I don't know why mine's broken. She always tells me when I'm wrong.
"Oh, I didn't choose her. I probably acknowledged her once in kindergarten and she sunk her clingy little claws into me. I've been trying to detach her ever since,"
"That is a fucking lie. I was the shit in kindergarten. Everyone wanted to be my friend, but I had to go and take pity on the weird colorblind kid in the corner who couldn't tell his reds from his greens,"
"You're colorblind?" Declan whips around to ask Dustin.
"No. She's fucking with you again," Dustin sighs as an evil grin spreads onto my lips.
"No pun intended," I add.
"Did you use that one on him too?" Dustin whines.
"Wait. There was never a pun was there," Declan finally catches on.
"You know? For a smart guy, you're kinda slow," I state rather bluntly. Dustin whacks me on the shoulder as he sends me a disappointed glare.
"I'm guessing I also don't say the word 'secret' weird," Declan concludes. Dustin lets out an exasperated sigh as he stares up at the ceiling.
"Nope. Totally average for a Midwestern American," I confirm. Dustin doesn't even chime in as he continues to stare at the ceiling.
"Anyways, Dustin. I did actually come over here because I wanted to talk to you,"
"Continue," Dustin says as he doesn't even bother to look at me.
"Declan, Dustin's free around 6 right?" I shift my attention to the person who's actually paying attention to me.
"Why are you asking him?" Dustin inquires.
"You're paying more attention to the ceiling than you are to me and I don't appreciate it," I reveal. With a sigh, Dustin slowly brings his focus back to me, though he's clearly not very enthused about doing so.
"Continue," he repeats.
"Are you free around six?"
Clearly realizing he's no longer essential to this conversation, Declan finally opens his locker and begins to rustle around in it, at last doing what he was supposed to be doing before I interrupted him.
"Why?" Dustin questions.
"I have things to tell you," I admit with a shrug.
"Tell me them now,"
"Said things can only be revealed at six," I claim as I wiggle my eyebrows.
"How convenient...."
Declan slams his locker door closed, pulling my attention away from Dustin for a moment before I zero back in to my true mission.
"Jaxon did call off today and I'll be working alone so.... I'll see you at the bookstore at 6?"
"You might,"
"I will," I state confidently.
"So confident,"
"I made plans with you right in front of the only other person you would make plans with. I think I have a right to feel that way," I assert.
"It sounds to me like you're implying I don't have many friends," Dustin narrows his eyes at me. I just shrug at him as the digital clock on the wall catches my eye.
"Shit, I have cheer, so I better get going. I'll see you later?"
"If I feel like talking to you tonight,"
"Which you will. Time spent with me, one of your only friends, is very valuable,"
"And unfortunately non refundable," Dustin whispers to Declan, making him snicker slightly.
"I heard that!" I exclaim before turning to point a finger at Declan, "And you, I thought you were supposed to be the sweet one. Why are you not coming to my defense in the face of this clear bullying?"
"He pleads the fourth," Dustin attempts to rescue his man.
"It's the fifth, babe. The fourth is protection against unreasonable search and seizure," Declan leans down to whisper to Dustin.
"Shit," Dustin grimaces.
"Idiot," I snort quickly as to attempt to keep Declan unaware of the small Freudian slip that occurred with that nickname.
"Didn't you have cheer practice to get to?" Dustin questions me as he narrows his eyes.
"Didn't you have a life to get to? Oh wait, no you don't. Game, set, match. Aspen infinity. Dustin zero," I rebut as I turn on my heel and begin to walk away.
"That hardly made sense,"
"You don't understand it because you're colorblind," I justify.
"I'm not fucking colorblind," Dustin calls after me.
I just let a small grin spread across my face as I continue to walk away.
————
"So you're blowing me off for a man," Margot's voice resounds through the speakers of my phone which sits on the counter in front of me as I organize the counter's content.
"I made plans with him before you even said anything to me!" I attempt to defend myself as my voice raises to a slightly higher octave.
"You're blowing me off for a man," Margot repeats herself, this time in a more dry tone.
"You act like me hanging out with you whenever I have time is just a given," I point out.
"I actually wasn't aware you had friends. Maybe that's why I'm confused," Margot says, feigning innocence.
"Bitch," I say as I smile softly down at my phone.
"That's the only comeback you've got?" my girlfriend challenges me.
"What did you want? A fucking five paragraph essay?" I scoff.
"Yeah with sources," she quips back.
"My sources: your mom," I state, my response slightly broken up as I struggle to even form one in the first place.
"That made sense," Margot's voice drips with sarcasm.
"Shut the fuck up," I respond quickly.
"Just telling it like it is," Margot says, and I know, even without seeing her, that a shrug accompanies her words.
Just then, the bell at the top of the front door rings, signaling that a customer has just answered the shop. I give the customer a smile and customary greeting before watching them make their way to another section of the store.
"You're supposed to be nice to me," I pout slightly as I take the phone off of speaker before pulling it up to my ear once the customer is out of sight.
"What gave you that idea?" Margot questions, amusement clear in her tone.
"Um, you're my girlfriend," I curtly explain as I take my seat behind the front desk, deciding that I've clearly done enough organizing for the day.
"Would you rather a dishonest relationship?" Margot asks.
"Um, no," I say, slight hesitation in my tone due to slight confusion.
"There you go," Margot says before clearing her throat, "Taking it back to the original topic now."
"....Why?" I ask after a moment.
"You know I was kidding right? I'm happy you're spending time with Dustin," Margot says, her tone more serious than it had been before.
"I'm not," I scoff, not willing to continue a serious topic just yet.
"We need to not be the only people each other hangs out with all the time anymore," Margot continues.
"Processing that sentence hurt my brain," I groan.
"You need friends other than me," Margot says, clearly ignoring me.
"I have so many friends that I lose track of them all because I am like the most delicious slice of cheese, and they are the rats that scurry around me,"
"Processing that sentence hurt my brain," Margot mimics me.
"Dude. I get what you're saying. Stop trying to fix 'relationship problems' that aren't even happening yet," I finally latch onto the topic with a sigh.
"I'm not-"
"We're fine, Margot. This isn't a potential problem I'm even worried about,"
I'm more worried about not being attached enough. I don't say that though because I don't need this phone call to last another hour. I suddenly don't want it to.
"Ok. I-"
"Dude. I gotta go. Dustin just got here," I say, cutting my girlfriend off. Margot sighs in response.
"And there she goes choosing the man over me,"
I scoff at her response.
"Whatever. I'll talk to you later," I promise.
"Bye,"
"Bye," I say quietly into the phone before hanging up, already feeling guilty for lying to Margot like that.
I try to ignore it, but my brain keeps reminding me how dishonesty can ruin a relationship. It terrifies me. It terrifies me to the point that I almost pick up my phone and call her again just to correct my mistake, to apologize for being short with her and lying when all she wanted was to be the best girlfriend she can be.
I don't pick up the phone, though. I decide that I'll tell her tomorrow in person when I can talk through everything I didn't want to today, when she can hold me when my words begin to make me feel as though I'm alone.
Dustin doesn't show up for another thirty minutes. By then, the customer who entered while I was talking to Margot made his purchase and left, and only one other customer entered the store and browsed for about ten minutes before ultimately purchasing nothing and leaving.
"You showed up!" I exclaim as soon as I see Dustin enter the store.
"Weren't you the one who claimed that time spent with you is valuable or some shit?" Dustin asks with a lopsided grin as he swaggers over to the counter I'm sitting behind.
"It is. You beat my girlfriend out for this time slot so you better be real appreciative of it," I say nonchalantly as I thumb through the latest comic that Jaxon left at the counter.
"Wait...."
"I could've cancelled and opted for a hot make-out session instead. But no. I decided to hang out with you," I reveal with a sigh.
"Aspen...."
"Dustin...." I mimic him, waiting for the wheels in his head to turn fast enough so that he can pick up what I'm saying.
"Girlfriend,"
"Girlfriend," I repeat.
"Since when....?"
"Valentine's Day," I shrug.
"That was over a week ago!" Dustin exclaims.
"Nine days ago...."
"Over a week!"
"Ok...." I trail off.
"I've seen you since then!" Dustin realizes.
"Yeah...."
"And you didn't tell me!"
"Nope...."
"Who is she? No.... Did you finally manage to bag Ivy? I thought she had something going with Jaxon.... I can't keep up with you," Dustin asks me, sending me into slight shock as I realize what's happened.
"She didn't tell you?" I whisper, mostly to myself.
"Fuck. You two are together. You two are together and neither of you told me! The ultimate betrayal!"
"We're not.... Dustin, why do you think she didn't come to my cheer competition?" I ask him carefully.
"She told me that she had a family emergency and she would talk to you about it later...."
I let out a sigh as I slowly shake my head, my gaze falling to the floor.
"There wasn't a family emergency, Dustin. She thinks she's giving me space,"
"Did you two get in a fight?" Dustin asks, concern creeping into his voice.
"No. We didn't. I guess I have a lot more to tell you than I originally thought," I say with a bitter laugh.
"I'm all ears," Dustin offers as he leans against the counter I'm sitting behind, his forearms supporting most of his weight as his palms are interlocked together.
"Well, I finally told Ivy I liked her. Did not go as planned. I was drunk, of course. Um, she was nice about it and everything, great really, but couldn't bear to stay with me until the morning even though she promised to and.... I haven't really talked to her since? So.... That was, um, weeks ago? She left a note though. She wants to give me space, which she's probably right to do,"
As I look up from twiddling my thumbs, I instantly notice the anger across Dustin's features and I immediately begin to shake my head.
"No. Ivy was great. I'm serious,"
"You told her you liked her. Ivy told you that she wouldn't leave you. She decided on her own to break that promise. She left a note and hasn't spoken to you in weeks to give you space," Dustin breaks my story down.
"Yes...." I answer slowly, processing exactly what he just said.
"Aspen, I understand that her initial reaction was probably great like you said, and maybe her intentions were good, but she fucked up,"
"She didn't. She-"
"She broke a promise and hasn't talked to you since," Dustin says flatly.
"Yeah, but-"
"Stop playing devil's advocate! Sometimes good people do shitty things. Sometimes good people have good intentions, but still do shitty things. That doesn't change the results. Stop sparing Ivy of blame that she clearly deserves. Stop minimizing situations like this because you'll never learn that you actually deserve better,"
As Dustin finishes, I just open my mouth before promptly closing it again, having absolutely no idea of what to say. I read Ivy's note. I understand why she did what she did, but I never stopped to think if it was genuinely the right thing.
Ever since we became friends, she's looked out for me. I didn't think that would change when my feelings did, even if it was a subconscious change, as I would hope it was.
So maybe I did minimize the situation, maybe Dustin's right, as much as it pains me to admit such a thing. Maybe I didn't want to think about it further because I didn't want to face the fact that my best friend ceased to be a good friend, even for a moment.
of me wants to defend her still, but I know I've taken a much too long pause to make any argument valid. The only consolation is the knowledge that if she asked for my forgiveness then I wouldn't hesitate to give it. And I don't think that's continuing to minimize what she did. That's accepting what she did as something she needs to apologize for and realizing that she can make mistakes, even when it comes to our friendship.
"You good, man?" Dustin asks quietly, breaking me out of my trance.
"Yeah. Fine, thanks," I respond, knowing that both of us realize what the gratitude is truly for.
"You mentioned a girlfriend?" Dustin recalls, wiggling his eyebrows a bit. A smile almost instantly slips onto my face as the word girlfriend conjures an image of Margot in my mind.
"Yeah, um, Margot actually.... Is my girlfriend," the phrase feels slightly foreign on my tongue, but I still enjoy the way it feels.
"Oh. I know who that is!" Dustin says excitedly.
"Wow. I'm so proud," I say, my voice dripping with sarcasm as I roll my eyes at him.
"Go step on a Lego,"
"Go lick a raccoon," I spit back.
Dustin doesn't even bother to respond, opting to provide me with a look filled with confusion instead.
"You heard me," I say confidently, sticking with my phrase.
"The Margot May puts up with you?" Dustin asks incredulously.
"What about it?" I challenge him.
"She comes off as so serious and smart and artistic...."
"Hey. Stop crushing. She's my girl!"
"And I'm gay,"
"And a bottom," I say as I jab my finger into his chest, "Speaking of, how's Declan?"
"So we're just switching topics?"
"It was the perfect segue,"
"What if I have more questions?"
"You lost your questioning privileges when you decided to bully me," I answer with a shrug.
"You bully me all the time," Dustin points out.
"Yes, because that is my job. Hate to do it, but Capitalism in this country. Am I right?"
"How am I even supposed to answer that?"
"You're supposed to ignore it and answer my question about Declan," I respond.
"Oh. I mean, he's fine. You saw how fine he was after school,"
"Idiot. I meant what's going on between you two?"
"Oh. See, you should have clarified-"
"Stop stalling. Answer. I'm a naturally curious person and said curiosity needs to be satisfied,"
Dustin just sighs as he shakes his head at me.
"First off, 'I know your secret'? You could've gotten me in serious shit for that!"
"When I tell you I didn't realize...."
"You utter idiot," Dustin says incredulously.
"That's a little harsh,"
"You absolute dumbass," he repeats his same tone.
I faint smile traces my lips at the name.
"What? You got a degrading kink?" Dustin accuses upon noticing my smile.
"No...."
"You could have given the man a heart attack with that game!"
"I miss when I almost gave you heart attacks with that game," I say with a sickly sweet smile.
Dustin just ignores me as he lets out yet another sigh.
"Wait. I almost gave him a heart attack.... Does that mean.... You two...." I trail off, assuming he understand my implication.
"I.... Yes? Well, no. But kind of?"
"Whoah. Don't be too specific in your response. At least try be a little vague, bud,"
"We're together, but we're not out,"
"Margot and I aren't either. It's.... Well, it's my fault really. Um, I don't want people to look at me different? Sorry. I'm assuming it's like that?" I admit sheepishly.
"In a way.... Yes. In a way, we aren't even together, technically?"
"Wait...."
"He.... He likes me, he does. But he doesn't exactly want to, mostly because of the whole religion thing. It's like, some days I'll be his boyfriend and he'll tell me everything he adores about me and fucking kiss me on the mouth. And other days he'll ghost me or friend zone me or pull his hand away when I reach out to told it,"
"Dustin.... That's a toxic relationship," I say quietly, almost afraid that he'll be mad at me for saying it.
"It's.... I know. He just means so much to me, and I just know that I'm helping him. I don't know how to explain it, but he feels important,"
"Well.... You said it was religion, right? Maybe once he gets away from here, from his parents, maybe things will be better," I attempt to offer some hope, hating the despair on my best friend's face.
"It's not just his parents or the school," Dustin says quietly.
"What do you mean?"
"He likes the idea of the path they laid out for him. He wishes he could fit into it,"
"But you don't fit into that,"
"I know I don't. So I'm constantly competing with this childhood dream of his. He wanted the perfect Christian model life. He wanted to wait until college to start dating so he could focus on school. He wanted to meet a nice girl in college that he could settle down with. He wanted that white picket fence neighborhood and three kids of his own and church with his family every Sunday. I'm ruining that,"
I open my mouth, but immediately close it again, not exactly sure of what to say. I wish I did.
Dustin lets out a sharp sigh as he runs his hand through his hair. Once he looks back towards me, I notice the pain in his eyes, the pain that's mixed with a clear feeling of helplessness. Because some things just feel too big for a high schooler who's just beginning his search for love.
I still don't know what to say. I'm a high schooler too. I've never dealt with this before. I just got in a relationship myself. I wish I knew what to say. I wish I could tell him how to fix everything and be the friend that he needs me to be right now. But that just doesn't happen.
So I stand up and make my way over to him. I reach my arms out and pull him forward into a hug. It's the most I can offer as my brain still repeats what he said over and over again, trying to find the answer, any answer at this point.
"If you were causing all the destruction you think you're causing then he would've pushed you away a long time ago. You're showing him an option of a life that he wasn't force fed to believe was his destiny for eighteen years. And I know it seems like everything is ending, but it isn't. It really isn't. We're in fucking high school.
"When did you develop a brain?" Dustin asks, feigning shock.
"Keep that up and you won't be getting my advice anymore,"
Dustin lets out a bitter laugh at my words as he shakes his head.
"Ok. You know that's a joke right? I will literally always be here for you. We're the fucking kindergarten crew. Nothing can break us," I tell him as a small smile cracks onto my face.
"You're so cheesy," Dustin chuckles as he pulls away from the hug. It's then that I notice that his eyes are clearly red and that his cheeks are glazed with fallen tears.
I don't say anything though. He doesn't want or need me to. I know him well enough for that.
"As I told Margot earlier, I am the most delicious slice of cheese and you all are the rats that scurry around me," I quote myself confidently.
"Again, how does she put up with you?"
"She fell victim to my dashing good looks and was already ensnared by the time my personality began to show," I explain with a shrug.
"If you're gonna lie, at least make it believable. Good looks?"
"That was of the most heinous implications. Here I thought we were friends," I say with a gasp.
"Heinous?" Dustin asks, clearly only latching on to that singular word from my entire response.
"I work in a bookstore. I'm bound to pick some shit up,"
"Shockingly,"
"Wow. What a good comeback. I am punching air right now from such wit," I say in a completely monotone voice.
"Someone should give me an award for putting up for you this long," Dustin groans.
"They have one already. It's called Stockholm Syndrome,"
"You're an idiot,"
"Says the idiot,"
"Go lick a raccoon," Dustin says, stealing my genius.
"Go find out you're in a different Harry Potter house than you originally thought so that all your merch is invalid and it sends you spiraling as you begin to question who you truly are and what you actually value and just how much you've changed over the years,"
"What?" Dustin demands, clearly lost over what I just said.
"Just accept defeat,"
"You can't argue with crazy," my best friend sighs.
"You can't triumph over genius,"