Only Fools - Chapter 45: Chapter 45

Today I woke up with a smile on my face, as cliche as that sounds.
After our date yesterday, Margot and I stayed up and talked on the phone about anything we could think of, mostly nonsense, until we fell asleep.
So, I didn't necessarily wake up with a smile on my face, but I did wake up to an ongoing phone call with Margot on the other end which I had to quickly end before I woke her up. That put a smile on my face.
That smile stayed on my face during my entire car ride to school as a mix of poppy love songs played in the background, the type of songs that used to annoy me with how easy they made love seem, where Taylor Swift sang about paper rings and Harry Styles recalled his time under the canyon moon.
At some point this morning, I subconsciously made the decision to only focus on the positive parts of yesterday, given that they far outnumbered and overwhelmed the negative anyways.
Margot and I had some serious conversations and now we're better for it. We had an amazing time and now I genuinely feel happy. My worries about cheer practice, upcoming tests, and anything else are suddenly overshadowed by the simple fact that I get to see Margot today.
It's so fucking cheesy and I hate myself a little bit for even realizing this, but I actually walked through the front doors of my school with a small smile today, and I couldn't just not analyze why such an abnormality occurred.
"You're awfully chipper," Tori groans at me after one glance in my direction.
"I am," I confirm as I slide into my desk. Tori narrows her eyes at my response.
"What drugs are you on, and why aren't you sharing?" Tori hisses at me.
"Nothing. I'm just in a good mood," I reveal with a shrug. Tori scoffs at my response.
"Nice try. It's not even 8am yet. Only a psychopath could smile at this hour," Tori argues.
"Good morning, class!" Mr. Todd ambles into the classroom with a smile on his face.
"And look who arrived just to prove my point," Tori points out. I just provide her with a rather deadpanned look in response.
"Ok. Maybe not psycho, but the man chose to teach calculus to fucking high schoolers for a living!"
"And...."
"And I made my point?"
"Whatever Tori," I say with a small laugh.
"Ok. No drugs. So something happened," Tori concludes.
"I-" I cut myself off because I'm not even entirely sure what I was going to say. Tori doesn't know about Margot. Tori doesn't even know that I'm not straight. I call her one of my closest friends and yet....
The guilt that floods through me wipes the smile clean off of my face.
"Whoah. You ok?" Tori asks, instantly noticing my change in expression.
"Um, yeah. I'll tell you about it in seventh hour?" I ask, knowing that it's the next class that we have together, a ceramics class that's pretty much an easy A as long as you minimal demonstrate effort.
"Yeah. For sure," Tori confirms, the worry not quite leaving her eyes as they scan my face for any more clues about what made my mood shift so suddenly.
Even as Margot enters the classroom, the smile doesn't quite reach my face again. My heart does drop in a strange way, but I can't actually escape the guilt that engulfed me moments before.
"What's up?" Margot mouthes to me as she slides into her seat behind me, seemingly taking note of my current expression.
I open my mouth to respond with "nothing", to just try and brush it off, only for her to likely ask about it later because she really does know me better than that. So why tell her something that she won't even buy as the truth?
"I'll tell you later," I settle on, which she responds to with a firm nod before turning her attention to Mr. Todd as he begins the lesson for today.
While I set my gaze on the teacher, I don't actually pay attention to anything he's saying, the guilt still at the forefront of my mind. So, I try to redirect my focus again.
My brain decides to settle on the sound of Margot's pen scratching onto the page of her notebook. I try to just settle into the sound without producing any thoughts behind it, like how I should probably be taking notes myself, or how I would be taking notes if I wasn't so guilty about my current situation.
That's why I can't have any thoughts. They lead me back to where I started. And maybe Margot's writing has some sort of rhythm to it, if I just keep listening to it and concentrating on it solely. But then the sound of Tori jotting down notes every so often on the desk in front of me throws my concentration off entirely.
And maybe I don't owe my best friend my coming out. In fact, I know that I technically don't owe anyone my coming out. Still, that realization alone doesn't diminish my guilt as much as it should.
I'm not even entirely sure what I'm so worried about. Naomi's warnings about the potential of Tori telling other people echo through my mind, but they don't seem to carry the same amount of weight as they did before.
I can't exactly tell how much of that is hope and how much is actual belief in my best friend, but I'd like to think that hope is the far smaller percentage. And truly, I can't help but wonder if those percentages speak more about myself than her.
By the time seventh hour rolls around, I've ran through all the possible scenarios in my head about 100 times each.
Scenario one would be the perfect outcome. Tori accepts me fully and tells absolutely no one ever.
I'd like to think that it's the most likely.
Scenario two would be that Tori accepts me fully, but let's it slip to a few people that I'm not actually straight. And I can't exactly imagine a future in which she does that. I'm not sure if it's just denial on my part, but I can't see her betraying my trust so blatantly.
The rest of the scenarios are derived from my most anxious and unrealistic thoughts. For example, I don't see an outcome where she doesn't accept me.
I place those scenarios in a box titled "irrational".
So, I let ceramics begin like it usually does, mostly due to nerves. I allow Tori to grab my phone and earbuds from my backpack, still too caught up in my own head and trying to think about how I'm going to start this conversation.
However, I do notice when Tori's hand hesitates slightly in the middle of handing me an earbud, after placing one in her own ear.
"Aspen, what the hell is this?" Tori asks with a small giggle as her thumb hovers over my screen. I furrow my eyebrows, confused as to what she finds so funny.
"Sorry. It's just.... since when do you like classic rock so much?" she questions me.
I look away to hide the slight blush that creeps up onto my cheeks.
"Oh, yeah. Margot is super into that stuff and I guess it may have rubbed off on me a bit?" I attempt to explain with a small chuckle.
"A little? Your favorites playlist is literally just classic rock,"
"What?" I quickly scoot over so that I can get a clearer view of my phone screen.
"Yeah. The one with the title that's just four hearts in a row? Your favorites?"
"Oh shit. Yeah. My favorites playlist," I say going along with her assumption, letting the thoughts over how that stupid playlist was made to remind me of my girlfriend remain in the back of my mind.
Tori just gives me a weird look before pressing play on the playlist she was referring to. "Money" by Pink Floyd is the first to play, and as good as the song is, it doesn't help tear me away from the thoughts reminding me that I just lied to my best friend yet again.
It's funny, because sometimes I feel like I'm getting so good at lying that I don't even realize until after I've finished speaking that the words that came out of my mouth weren't even true.
Though I suppose I've just gotten too good at telling small lies and half truths, things that feel inconsequential until they build up and you can hardly recognize them by the end.
And I guess this guilt is making me a little too philosophical. It's as though I'm trying to cram thoughts into my brain to distract me from what's going on, and even prevent me from forming a sentence to say to the girl next to me as a result.
Because really, I don't have much of an excuse not to tell her in this moment. The only other people in this class are on the other side of the room with earbuds in. Our teacher left the room minutes ago and he rarely ever comes back.
I don't have a solid excuse.
I could just keep thinking distracting thoughts until the bell rings, though.
No, I settle. I'll at least start planning my speech, and if it's not finished by the time the bell rings, then it wasn't meant to be said.
I could start by mentioning Margot at least, maybe prompt it when a new song comes on and say that she likes it. It shouldn't be hard, given that it's kind of the point that she likes every song on this goddamn playlist.
Then I can kind of segue into how we've been hanging out more. I could probably just casually insert that she's my girlfriend in the middle of rambling on, though I would worry that Tori wouldn't pick up on it right away. I could potentially just come out to her first. But that also might be too blunt....
"Alright. So, what's your secret to happiness?"
Her question throws off my entire preplanned speech, leaving me looking like a deer caught in headlights. She wasn't supposed to ask me anything. I was supposed to talk first, set the tone, and just allow the nerves to take over and let my mouth run.
"Come on, spit it out," Tori nudges me as an easy smile slips onto her face.
"I'm gay," I simply blurt out the statement on the tip of my tongue, as my nerves and guilt that have been eating away at me all day finally get the best of me.
Tori doesn't say anything as she just blinks at me. I don't blame her. It was a weird ass way to respond, and I take full accountability for that.
So, I clear my throat and try again.
"The reason.... that I'm so happy today.... is because I went on a date with my girlfriend last night and had a wonderful time," I say slowly and carefully, hoping that I make more sense than I had moments ago.
A small smile spreads onto Tori's face as she processes what I just said.
"Since when are you tied down?" she demands as she begins to punch my arm just a little too hard.
"Since Valentine's Day?" I phrase my answer as a question despite being fully confident in it.
"How romantic," Tori teases me as she wiggles her eyebrows suggestively.
"Oh trust me, she hates how cheesy it is,"
"And by 'she' you mean...."
"Margot?"
"Margot May?"
"That's her," I confirm as a smile spreads onto my face at the mentioning of my girlfriend's name.
"No fucking way,"
"What?" I demand more so than ask.
"How did you ever pull her?"
I send a scathing glare Tori's way.
"I'm just saying! I mean, I have eyes, dude. Plus, she's like super smart.... She really settled with you,"
I don't say anything in response as I shove her away from me.
"What! I approve of her and all. She's wonderful. I just don't know if I approve of you for her," Tori jokes.
"Shut up," I insist, despite the small smile threatening to spill onto my lips.
As I look over at my best friend, I can't help but think that I probably underestimated her quite a bit.
"Ok. Who would you approve of for Margot then?" I challenge.
"You say that as if upgrading from you wouldn't be literally the easiest thing ever,"
"What the fuck?"
"Sorry, Cap. You know I'm just messing with you," she says with a small smile, "Somewhat."
I groan in response.
"Hey! I have to put you in your place because you're officially not burdened by romantic involvement with the male species anymore,"
I just roll my eyes at her.
"What?"
"Aren't you like in love with Naomi right now?" I tease her.
"Everyone's a little bit in love with that girl,"
"I'm not?"
"Your loss," Tori tsks, "Oh wait. Does Nao know?"
I clear my throat before answering, "Um, yeah. She does."
Tori nods slowly before turning a little more serious.
"Ok. Is that it or.... are you gonna try to fully come out or.... I don't know how to phrase this," Tori laughs nervously.
"Um, a few people know, but I'd prefer that it doesn't get out?"
I almost wish I wasn't looking at Tori when I said those words because I was forced to see a quick flash of hurt dance over her eyes. In fact, I wish I chose different words.
In fact, For someone who's fed up with lies, I wish I could've just told one more.
"A few people? Like who?" Tori asks as her voice remains almost eerily steady.
I seriously debate lying to her. I debate telling her only half of the people who know, the ones she would understand coming before her in learning the truth. But in my debating, I pause for a little too long. Her mouth quirks into a small frown as she stares at me.
"Just.... Nao, Margot obviously, Alex, Ivy, a couple of Margot's friends, um...." I trail off, getting more guilty with every name I let fall from my lips.
"And you've been dating since Valentine's Day?" she clarifies.
"I'm sorry, Tori. I guess I didn't realize I owed you every secret about myself," I snap.
As soon as the words leave my lips, I can't help but regret them.
"Of course you don't. But I guess it was silly of me to think that I'd be one of the first people you told. Because I'm your best friend and this is a big part of your life!"
I go completely silent after Tori stops talking. She pulls my earbud out from her ear and pushes it towards me. Slowly, I pause the music and shove my earbuds and phone back into my bag.
We spend the rest of the class in silence.
————
I'm not sure if I ever realized before how much my stunt group truly depends on Tori. From day one, our coaches used to tell us that it was the backspot's job to lift the entire stunt up, control it, keep the group on count. They're central to a stunt functioning properly.
Tori hasn't stopped doing any of those jobs. I can still feel her firm grib on my ankles in our warm up elevators. She still shouts the counts as loud as she ever has before. Nothing in the stunts themselves feels different, and yet the whole dynamic is off.
Tori took on a job that wasn't outlined by any coach. She was the ray of sunshine in this group's dreary existence. Her constant chatter and random comments broke through any tension within this group. Without them, the silence is deafening. Our only comments are to awkwardly ask if everyone is ready to move on to the next stunt, to which everyone else just replies with a head nod.
I'll have to thank Tori when she decides to talk to me again.
As our coach yells at us for the thousandth time, I can't help but to think that this is one of the worst practices we've had in a long time. It's as if our stunt group spread its terrible attitude to the rest of the team, leaving us with incomplete tumbling passes and failed stunts all around.
By the time practice ends and we pack up the mats, Coach Meghan looks as if she's about to burst a blood vessel. She has us sit down on the gym floor in front of her, and no one dares to speak unless spoken to.
"Alright, there's going to be an extra mandatory practice tomorrow in preparation for the upcoming competition. You ladies better get yourselves together because if tomorrow I see again what I saw today then you're staying late and cleaning mats," she keeps it brief, perhaps too disappointed in us to really put it into words.
We all begin to groan at the threat, but quickly shut up when she raises her eyebrows as if to challenge us.
"You guys can go, but you better bring better attitudes tomorrow,"
We all make noises of confirmation before slowly pushing ourselves off the ground and beginning to head towards the locker room.
As soon as I step into the room, I can't help but notice there's a different air about the place. It feels tense in a way that it never has before. Everyone moves pretty quickly, likely not wanting to hang around for too long.
I, however, try to hold back, hoping to catch Tori on my way out who's currently whispering to Ashley and Gabby across the room.
"Unfortunate how terrible practice was today. Right, Aspen?" Ashley says to me after catching my eye when I was meaning to glance over at Tori yet again.
And of course, as my luck would have it, about half the team is still in the locker room and most of their attention is suddenly reigned in to Ashley and I due to her sheer volume.
"Yeah. We'll just have to do better tomorrow, I guess," I offer as I begin to pack my bag faster than I had been before.
"It's just, you're the team captain. So don't you think you should take some responsibility for today?"
I pause entirely at her words. What the fuck did I do to bring this upon myself today?
"Yeah, I mean. I was kind of in a shit mood today, and I know that isn't an excuse, but I am sorry for my part in bringing the team down. I'll be sure to do better tomorrow," I say, only holding back from cussing the girl out due to my other teammates in the room.
"Aw. What's wrong?" Ashley asks, as if she genuinely cares.
"It's nothing really," I dismiss.
"Couldn't have been 'nothing' if it put you in such a 'shit mood'," Ashley challenges, "Does our team captain maybe have a secret?"
At the word secret, I can't help but glance over at Tori who's pretending like she's not even listening as she shoves her cheer shoes into her backpack.
I let out a sigh, tired of this bullshit.
"Ashley, clearly I don't want to talk about it, and you're not entitled to know about it as far as I'm concerned. I apologized and said I was going to try to do better tomorrow. That's all I can give you," I say with a shrug before picking up my bag and walking out of the locker room, not even bothering to send a glance back to catch her expression as a result of my words.
A couple of the girls give me nods on my way out as if they agree with me, I give them tight smiles in response.
It's only when I pull out of the school parking lot and begin to drive away do I let the image of Tori whispering to Ashley and Gabby flood into my brain. It's only then that I begin to truly doubt the girl I called my best friend only hours before.
My stomach drops, and before I know it, I'm dialing Margot's number.
She picks up on the fourth ring.
"Hello?" she answers.
"Hey," I respond with a smile.
"How was cheer practice?" Margot asks.
"Um.... Pretty much everyone was in a funk so we get to have another practice tomorrow," I offer.
"Damn.... Was Ashley being a bitch or something?"
"When is she not?" I ask rhetorically with a small laugh.
There's a pause in the call, as if neither of us know exactly what to say.
"Oh, wait. What did you have to tell me this morning? Don't think I forgot," my girlfriend reminds me.
"Talk about that another time?" I offer, kind of over the negativity of the day.
"You sure?" she double checks.
"Yeah. I'm sure,"
"Then what's our new topic?" Margot easily offers.
"How about how I can't stop thinking about our museum date?"
"Perfect," Margot responds, and I can practically hear the smile in her voice.