Played like a Guitar - Chapter 17: Chapter 17

Ever since a young age, I felt incapable of being loved. Having been bullied throughout middle school for my looks and personality, my self-esteem perished and every attempt at showing affection towards others felt infeasible and fruitless. As the years progressed, dates and kisses became less of a taboo, but I was still unable to find someone compatible.
I kept reminding myself that it was better to wait for the right one, than to be in a relationship for the sake of bragging to others, or to merely feel accomplished. Time escalated quickly but my situation remained the same. How will my first kiss be? Was I going to die a virgin? Was I going to become one of those people who buy dozens of cats to feel less lonely? So many questions almost everyone asks themselves at one point in their life, but mainly, what did others have that I didn't? The answer appeared so crystal clear now.
Of course, your first kiss, dates and sex may be awkward, but it doesn't matter when it happens. Those who experience it first are no better than those who do later, as long as it was an important moment you learned something from, good or bad. Plus, virginity is overrated. I lost mine with a girl when I was sixteen and it resembled nothing to what I'd seen online. We had to experiment with our bodies and see what pleasured us. An important lesson I've learned was not to regret any of it since I learned a lot about myself in the process.
Then Brian happened in Manchester, an expected ending but enjoyable nonetheless, then the whole drama with Athena, which flopped completely. He made me realize long distance was impossible whereas she helped me explore my hidden interests and experience new sensations. Still, they were all temporary parts of my life. I knew from the beginning that they wouldn't last forever, a gut feeling that was difficult to explain. Like I always said, either you clique or you don't.
Then this man came into my life out of nowhere. If it weren't for Elektra's determination and persistence to pull me away from my working desk, we never would have met. As horrible as that reality sounds right now, it was a matter of circumstances, a chain of events. If the slightest thing changed, everything would've been completely different. If I stayed in England, if I didn't meet Elektra, if I didn't leave my house that day, everything mattered! Maybe Athena and I would've both transferred here, maybe I would have stayed in Thess with her, or perhaps another Jamie-like candidate would have popped out eventually. Endless possibilities, yet the one I got in this multiverse was almost ideal. Sure, one less Valentina would've made it better, but beggars can't be choosy.
His appearance, energy, looks, voice, talents, all perfectly molded into one human being. There was no questioning it, it was love from the very beginning. I could picture us spending time together, sticking through thick and thin, having something special going on between us. But it changed when he rejected the kiss, shattering all my beliefs that true love and soulmates existed.
Yes, we've been together physically for roughly three days, but it was an emotional roller coaster with highs, lows, and long periods in between, during which he was on my mind first thing in the morning and right before I drifted off to sleep. And on this day, after more than two years of continuous self-reflection and doubt, I can finally safely say that he felt the same way towards me.
It was never a matter of me missing something, but rather finding the person who would appreciate and cherish everything I had, all my strengths, flaws, and imperfections. There he was, standing mere centimeters away, confessing his love for me after all this time. Did he regret not admitting it that night three years ago, or did he realize it afterwards, or perhaps even today? Many things were left unexplained, but at the moment they seemed trivial. We both felt love, cursed and praised for it's cunning ability to blind all those who experience it.
"I love you too." The way he said it was difficult to describe with a single word. It's as if the truth was eating him alive up until that moment, fully conscious about his engagement and what the consequences of the confession meant. Like he came up with a solution to every possible scenario, and it was finally safe for him to share his feelings. Was he going to reveal our controversial relationship to Valentina, at the risk of ruining his reputation? Were we going to run away together, leave everything we know behind? Unlikely, but the possibility that I would potentially accept it worried me.
You'd think answering to a sentence I've been dreaming him telling me a trillion times would've been easy, but actually hearing it left me speechless. Sometimes when words aren't enough, we must show what we feel inside. The green light again.
And just like that, his lips connected to mine, pulling my hair towards him once he saw I wasn't protesting in any shape or form. How on Earth could I reject that fresh fruity taste of his I had been craving consistently for so long? What started as a passionate kiss soon turned into a heavy make out session, trying to compensate for all the lost time and opportunities, ignoring the huge disaster bound to happen in the nearest future. Holding his right arm and neck, I pulled him closer, craving every second of it. It was all I ever wanted.
Alas, before we even got to enjoy the special moment, we were rudely interrupted by the Ferris wheel making its way down rather quickly, the employee's patience running out at the worst possible timing. He gave me a comforting smile, reassuring me the euphoria was mutual. Holy shit, I just kissed Jamie O'Dea! Best. Day. Ever. I had to pinch myself discreetly to make sure I wasn't dreaming. Nope, it was all real! Letting silence prevail, we settled for a late-night stroll through the park, our cheeks blushing timidly. He looked around to check if anyone was following us, then proceeded to hold my hand.
"What are you thinking about?" - he wondered.
"You." - I answered back.
"Is that good or bad?" - he asked with fear.
"Both."
We discovered a secluded area which was normally off limits but since it was pitch black and completely empty, we climbed up a short wall and made our way across to an abandoned area with small grass patches. The ideal place to escape from reality without losing the signature Italian charm. We laid on the greenery, stargazing the night sky, listening to the crickets and distant hustle.
"When are you leaving?" - I asked gloomily.
"Tomorrow morning." - his spoken words matched my fear.
Not even disappointed. Us kissing didn't change anything, he was still leaving for his book tour, still had a life back in Galway, a family to take care of, a fiancée waiting to wrap herself around his arms the way I am currently. "You may have won this time, but he is still hers at the end of the day. He is only treating you the same way you treated Brian and Athena."
Was this my fatal punishment? Getting a taste of my greatest desire, only for it to be taken away instantly? So be it! The night wasn't over yet, and I didn't plan on spending it any other way. He took off the heart-shaped silver locket around his neck, handing it to me.
"There's something else I've been meaning to tell you. Promise me it won't change the way you see me." What was he hiding until now that could possibly alter my love for him? Whatever it was, it sounded devastating.
"I promise." - I turned towards him, not ready to find out.
"After the first night we met, once our gigs all over Europe were over, I started drinking heavily, going from one party to the other. It's how I met Valentina actually. She organized this massive outdoor pool party, but dad forbid me from attending it since he worked for her father and despised their greedy family. She was popular, beautiful and desired by every guy in Ireland so I defied his orders obviously. I convinced Malory to lie to our parents that we were going out to the movies together, so I had an excuse to attend the event in secret. We came to the party, I met Valentina, had a few drinks with her, hooked up eventually while Malory was on her phone playing games in one of the rooms. It was a huge place, so I advised her to find an empty space so the other drunkies wouldn't bother her. Eventually, it got pretty late so she wanted us to go back home, but I had to bring the car back, otherwise my parents would have found out about my mischief. She was sixteen at the time, had a few driving lessons and the streets were mostly empty after midnight so I figured she was capable enough to drive my drunk ass home." -  he paused, gathering enough strength to finish the rest of the story which could only go south from that point. The tears emerging from his shiny eyes only confirmed it. What have you done, O'Dea?
"The way back was mostly a long straight drive deep within a forest since Valentina's villa was secluded from the center in a luxurious area. The path was poorly lit, and an idiot was driving from the opposite side with his lights turned off. Malory was already skeptical about her driving skills, so she kept a steady pace but didn't have enough time to react to the car zooming towards us on the wrong lane. The bastard was so drunk he didn't even pay attention to what side he was driving on, causing her to slide off the track and crash us into an oak tree." - he shook his head in disbelief with bloodshot eyes.
I started crying too, never did it occur to me that he went through such a tragic event. And poor, poor Malory...
"She survived the crash, thank God, but her brain and spine are severely damaged. She will remain paralyzed from the waist down forever and already has major memory issues. She has troubles remembering important events, even familiar faces sometimes. She's still going through treatment and therapy, but they're crazy expensive. It's all my fault..."
If there was anything I could do to make his pain go away, I would have done it undeniably. I could try convincing him that he wasn't to blame for the accident but I'm sure other people have tried it already in vain. I opened the small locket inside the palm of my hands, revealing an old picture of a young Malory on the right side, and a toddler Jamie with adorable suspenders on the other. The resemblance between the two siblings was striking, sharing the same freckles, small nose and bright smile. Her long ginger hair dropped below her shoulders, wearing a yellow summer dress. The photos appeared to be taken at the same time.
"If I didn't put my foolish desires first, she wouldn't be stuck to a wheelchair for the rest of her life. She's unable to walk, she rarely shares anything with me, she's fucking depressed all the time. Why wouldn't she be? I took away everything she had! My mother stopped working because she's afraid her daughter may take away her own life, like she almost did months ago. Dad became an alcoholic and gambled most of our savings away, hoping his luck wouldn't run out so he could afford to pay her therapies, medication and life supports. Well, turns out it did." - his voice cracked, his heart drowning in tears and sorrow. I stood up and accepted him into my arms, giving him the tightest hug, hoping to relief a fraction of the pain and melancholy. One bad decision ruined the entire family.
"And the worst part is, she didn't say a single word to me after the accident! She didn't blame me, curse me, hate me for ending her life. I just wanted her to fully lash out, to tell me she despised every piece of my existence...but even after that, she still fucking loves me! She was so innocent, and I ruined her. The only reason my parents are still talking to me is because I cover most of her bills nowadays." Letting him release all these raw emotions out seemed like the best solution at the time. He was carrying them for too long, the ill-fated soul.
"And here I am, living the life she was supposed to have, creating new memories whereas she can't even remember her old ones. I wake up everyday, Noah, wishing it was me on that damn driver's seat!" - he cried miserably.
"Shut up, don't say that ever again! Finish your book promotions and go back to your sister as soon as you're done. This doesn't mean you can't make her life better, she just wants you by her side." - I tried consoling him.
This explained many unresolved mysteries: why he was working so hard all the damn time, why he drifted off whenever Malory was mentioned and how he met Valentina. She was an emotional support for him during the accident, so that's how they bonded probably. It didn't matter, anyways. She was irrelevant now.
I whispered softly into his ears "I still love you", triumphantly compelling a smile on his puffy face, despite the harsh confession. "And nothing can change that."
"After the whole drama last year, I felt like shit for leaving you heartbroken. I didn't have the courage to text you, to see how you were doing. I spent most days drinking my feelings away so I couldn't believe my eyes when you appeared on the other side of that room. I had the option to organize a small gathering in Athens, but I doubted you would even consider coming..." - he explained but I silenced his unnecessary explanations with my lips, wondering how I'll live without them from tomorrow. We spent a few moments of comfortable silence, gazing into each other until he calmed down.
"It's kind of funny actually, the only plans I had for today was to grab coffee and check out some tattoo shops. Mal has been begging me to find matching ones for months now that she's almost eighteen. Yet somehow you appeared out of thin air and managed to defy my expectations once again." - his eyes were still puffy and cheeks wet, but he finally cracked a smile.
"What can I say? I have a secret flair for tourism! But anyways, did you have anything particular in mind?" - I laid on my side, placing my right elbow on the grass, observing him from above.
"Not really, I've designed a few sketches myself but I don't think she'll like them." That little notebook of his will turn out to be the next Holy Grail, I swear.
"Make sure to find the best option, or else you'll be stuck watching it for the rest of your life. Knowing how fast I change my mind, I would regret it after two days. Plus, it would take years for me to decide which one to choose. It's like the more options I have, the worse it gets."
"For me, it's more about the memories behind it, not the aesthetics. It can be something extremely embarrassing for all I care, as long as I had fun doing it."
"Oh right, you're one of those people who make irrational spontaneous decisions in the blink of an eye."
"I mean, if you stop overthinking, there is nothing holding you back..." - he indirectly threw shade at me.
"Nothing screams 'Noah' more than overthinking. Ha, imagine being relaxed for a second."
"You know what, I'm dragging your ass to the nearest tattoo parlor and you'll thank me for it." - he stated, filled with determination.
"Like hell you are! It's too late anyways, everything is closed down." Still, he opened his smartphone's web browser in search of open shops nearby, ignoring my remark. He let out a heavy sigh before putting it back in his pocket, disappointed that I was correct.
Way past midnight, the cold breeze kicked in and I felt insecure spending the night in a park where drug dealers and hooligans were known to roam. He was staying at the Four Seasons hotel (not a modest choice for someone in dire need of money) located in the city center near the Coliseum. Might as well have one last stroll before we go our separate ways. We were holding hands until we've reached the livelier streets, reminding me that he was still a recognizable face for many people and that us ending up on the cover of every teenage magazine tomorrow morning was not the brightest idea. Oddly, I wasn't feeling anxious about his departure now that I found out he had more important things at hand. Near the end of the dim street stood a neon sign with bright pink words: "TATTOO AND PIERCING, OPEN 24/7". Oh, son of a gun. I turned the opposite way instantly but his swift premonition kicked in earlier and pulled me back before I could flee away.
"Jamie, don't you dare..." - but he placed his finger against my lips, shushing me mid-sentence.
"Hey, hey, relax. It will be fine! When was the last time you had this fun? Besides, don't you want something to remember me by?" - his empty words failing to convince me one bit. "Okay, let's make a deal. You get to choose one for me, and I'll find one for you. It can be something simple and symbolic." - he added into the bargain.
"I can choose anything I want, anywhere on your body?" My imagination ran free, exploring the endless possibilities and combinations.
"Apart from my sensitive areas, yes, you have my word." - he swore with that bold, evil look of his whenever he was up to something - the same one that persuaded me into rock climbing, dropping from the sky, evading paparazzi, angry seniors and security guards. We'll either end up dead or in jail if I continue complying to his dauntless requests. I imagined my future tattoo-less self reflecting on this moment, wondering what he would've chosen for me.
"Fine, but something small!" - I emphasized, this time imagining my future tattooed self regretting this decision, among countless others. Darn, I could really use a time machine.
It was a modern studio with music posters, skulls and design templates covering the walls. The lady working there appeared like your average gloomy goth girl at first glance, the kind you would expect to find in a place like this, but was actually extremely kind and cheerful once we got to chat. Her hair was dyed in dark red with killer bangs covering most of her forehead but giving prominence to her icy blue eyes. Tough on the outside, glittery on the inside. She was an art design student and worked night-shifts there as the customers were usually drunk and therefore had low expectations. She piled up a stack of artworks, which Jamie took away before I could get my hands on them.
"The rules were simple. You choose, not the book." - he reminded me, but the sheer thought of having to come up with one myself was excruciating. Then something simple crossed my mind, something artsy yet mysterious to everyone else. A tiny Ferris wheel, hidden on the exterior side of his left earlobe. Meaningful and secluded from the world. She showed me some potential designs while he waited nervously on the black leather chair. Once finalized, she drew the contour around before switching to the needle.
"Am I going to regret this?" - he wondered as it pressed sharply against the delicate area.
"You asked for it. This was your idea of fun last time I checked."
"I'll be extra careful for this one, don't you worry." - Claudia, the artist, reassured him. "So, where do you two come from?"
"Well, the name's Noah and I'm a famous musician and songwriter from Galway." - I lied while faking a terrible Irish accent, aiming to get a reaction from my dear poet.
"Oh, really? What songs did you make? Maybe I heard some of them." - she wondered curiously.
"Seriously? I'm like the biggest star in Ireland, there's no way you haven't heard my song "Wild", it was a major chart-topper last year! But anyways, yeah, I write some stuff down here and there and all my fans go crazy over me. I'll sign my autograph later darling, don't you worry." Jamie was shaking his head the entire time, embarrassed I was imitating him in such an atrocious manor.
"Thanks, I guess. What about you?" - she asked the guy getting tattooed, disturbed by my narcissistic behavior.
"Oh nothing special really, I'm your average nobody, studying Sociology here in Rome, minding my own business. You should be asking the celebrity questions, not me. Nothing exciting to hear from me." - he pretended to look away shyly, mocking my voice and introverted nature, and my jaw dropped to the floor.
"Don't say that, I actually wanted to study Sociology before I went for design. How is it?" - she asked while keeping her focus on the work at hand.
"It's great! We learn about...society, people and stuff. It's a really difficult subject, I study all day everyday and never go out." Was he insulting my passion?
"It can't possibly be more difficult than my career, I need to travel all around the world, avoid paparazzi and thirsty fans that have waited hours just to see me!" - I cried dramatically, returning the indirect tease. We both tried to keep it cool but ended up bursting in laughter once she finished his tattoo. A confused Claudia tried hard to understand what was so funny, but joined us once we debriefed our short identity reversal. In roughly fifteen minutes, the inked creation was done before we even finished introducing ourselves to her. The way his face lit up upon seeing the tattoo in the mirror she held behind him made my day, or year for that matter. His pupils molded into hearts as he observed the microscopic seats connected with several lines.
"Great, now I'll have a reminder of this horrible day for the rest of my life!" - he tried to sound serious but the cute dimples betrayed him. Mission accomplished.
"I was expecting something atrocious after dragging you to that ride Noah, but this is incredible. I love it, thank you so much Claudia." She appeared equally surprised at her own drawing skills.
"I knew you'd like it, you're into that symbolic shit. Looks like it's my turn now, huh?" - I asked nervously, feeling my heart up in my mouth.
"Yup. Speaking of 'symbolic shit', I chose the perfect one for you, right here. You're not allowed to see it until it's over." - he pointed to the upper part of my right arm. Now I was the one sitting on this big chair, surrounded by needles and bright lights, reminding me of the dentist's office where I passed out several times as a kid. Fun times. I twitched when the pointy end touched my skin, only to find out it was a plain blue marker and not the needle itself. Judging by the worried look on her face, she knew this was going to be a challenge.
Even if they were roughly the same size, mine took nearly thirty minutes to complete as I kept asking for mini-breaks between every line, cursing Jamie for persuading me into doing this while Claudia was trying her best to adapt to my constant jerking. They tried disguising the minor inconvenience with stupid jokes and quirky stories, resulting in a more relaxing experience. For all I know, it could be a stick-man, an embarrassing curse word, a poorly drawn male private part you'd find under school desks, carved into my skin forever. Once done, I saw what appeared to be a lion's head, its fur shaped by a bunch of curves with a glorious gaze and pointy nose.
"A lion represents bravery, power and fierceness, which is exactly what I want you to see every time you check yourself out in the mirror. I was also hoping it could turn that awful memory of yours into something positive, I hope you like it." The straightforward design was alleviated by the meaningful story behind it. A reminder to keep my head high in dire situations, to know my self-worth and try my best. I squeezed the life out of him vigorously, showing my gratitude for the unexpected surprise and then her for the excellent work.
"Oh stop it, I'm just doing my job! Thank you guys for making this night slightly less boring than usual. Here, I'll even give you a friendly discount, just don't tell my boss." She was one of those people you could totally see yourself hanging out with, but due to the circumstances and timing it felt awkward to ask her out for coffee. Who knows, maybe we'll run into each other some day? Considering my luck so far, it doesn't seem far-fetched.
"No regrets?" - he asked for my confirmation once we left the parlor.
"No regrets." - he received it.
The streets were left deserted for us to share this lovely night together, and I've reached levels of happiness I never knew were possible. If life could be like this forever, dreams would have no purpose since they finally became reality. I swung his arms back and forth, feeling an excess burst of energy surging through my body that I simply had to burn.
"Sorry, I just feel like dancing in the street for some reason. I used to imagine myself performing in Thess all the time, it helps me release all the piled-up stress." - I smiled like an idiot.
"What's stopping you from having your own musical now?" - he asked while swinging around the lamppost. "You'll be the singer, and I'll do the a cappella." Usually I would never resort to singing loud in public, but I felt such comfort around him that I kept saying yes to all his propositions. Just when I thought the night couldn't be more magical, he somehow kept exceeding my expectations, using his voice, feet, hands and random objects on the streets as instruments as I chanted some of my favorite songs that didn't require a powerful voice. For a few minutes, I closed my eyes and let my voice be heard for the first time, disregarding how bad it might sound to him or the sleeping citizens. Thankfully, he knew some of the words by heart and his sweet melodic voice compensated for mine. We continued onward until we've reached the hustle of the main roads near the hotel he was staying at.
The Four Seasons was a massive building clearly inspired by Baroque and Neoclassical architecture, containing hundreds of luxurious rooms and suites for the most prosperous of guests. A huge fountain stood in front, creating a marvelous light show, its water flow synchronizing with the music playing in the background. My heart rate accelerated abruptly, and the dopamine rush from the previous hour came to a halt, having realized that the final grains of sand were about to drop in our hourglass, marking the conclusion to today's journey.
"And thus our adventure ends here. It was a pleasure seeing you again, Jamie. I hope everything goes well with Malory, she's a strong girl. Maybe we'll meet someday; she sounds like an amazing person!" I looked back at her picture before closing and returning his locket, trying my damnedest not to break down in front of him like I did before. There really was no proper way of saying goodbye in this type of situation. A farewell kiss would shatter me, a wave would be too platonic considering the three words we exchanged earlier, and I wouldn't be able to let go if we opted for a hug. He, however, did not seem concerned whatsoever.
"Do you really think I'll let you walk back all by yourself at this hour?" - he appeared surprise by my farewell.
"There's no need for you to walk me home, I can take care of myself." - I noted confidently now that a lion was inked on my arm.
"Who said anything about your place? You'll be spending the night here, silly. You won't be seeing me for a while after all. Plus, I'd like to return the favor for tonight somehow." What does that mean? Is he...? No, control your urges. Okay, now that a few inappropriate mental images got me feeling some type of way, maybe spending the night together isn't that bad of an idea. If it means breathing the same air as him for a few extra hours, then why not?
"Well, if you insist." - I gave in to his tempting proposition oh so easily.
Heading towards the grandiose entrance, a bright yellow Bugatti stopped right in front of it, catching everyone's attention. The bellboy opened the backdoor while dozens of paparazzi surrounded the car out of nowhere. A tall woman in a red maxi dress and leather belt emerged from within, ignoring the flashing lights from the cameras. An Italian celebrity, maybe?
"Who is that?" - I wondered but Jamie stopped dead a few meters away, as if he knew exactly whose ride it was. Wait a minute, she does seem familiar. Her voluminous wavy black hair, perfectly symmetrical eyebrows, and prominent ice blue contact lenses. Valentina Delgado, in the flesh.
"Mi amor!" - she screamed, throwing her shopping bags at the bellboy's feet and rushing to greet her 'pleasantly surprised' fiancé, making me disappear in the stampede of paparazzi. She kissed him on the cheeks several times, leaving traces of her dark red lipstick all over his face before turning to the cameras to pose for her followers. End my life.
His left hand reached sneakily inside his pocket, trying to return the ring to its rightful place. "I didn't expect you to be up so late, it was supposed to be a surprise. Ah, I am so glad I found you at the right time! We have so much to catch up on! Come, vamos bebé." - her Spanish accent dominated the one-sided conversation. But he pulled her back, whispering something in her ear. Oh no, they are walking towards me now. What do I do? How do I look? "You're not a celebrity, fool." Thanks for the reminder.
"Valentina, this is my good friend Noah. We haven't seen each other in a long time, but we got to stroll around together all day and catch up." Her slight look of disgust made me want to scrape the plastic right off her dumb face. As if he introduced her to a fake Chanel bag. Ugh, rich people. "A good friend, that's all you'll ever be."
"Hi, nice to meet you! Lo siento, I was a bit confused because I don't think Jamie mentioned you before." - she remarked offensively, waving her stupid diamond ring around. That's it, the bitch asked for it. Preventing me from dumping her inside the Bugatti's trunk and driving it off a cliff, Jamie informed her I was going to sleepover at the hotel tonight in a separate room. I'd rather get stabbed on my way home, thanks.
"¡Cómo no!  We would love to have your company tonight, maybe over some drinks? The airline company had the worst wine selection I've ever seen!" The spoiled princess wasn't even the problem. What questioned me the most is how the fuck did he fall for that? Definitely lost some respect for him. Walking around like she owned the place (wouldn't surprise me if she did), in her own personal bubble.
Now that I think about it, this might not be as bad as it seems. She appeared to be a blabbermouth, so I might take advantage of her microscopic brain to learn more about their little engagement I was barely informed about. "Don't play with fire, Noey." - my subconscious warned. More like playing fire with fire. I accepted her offer with a genuine smile, glancing at her fiancé devilishly, turning the tables to my side. The fear in Jamie's eyes only ignited it even more. Time to put on my detective's cap.