Played like a Guitar - Chapter 19: Chapter 19

The sound of a loud bang buzzed trough my ears, but not the one of a corpse crashing onto the concrete floor, but rather something heavy falling onto a metal surface. Was he...?
Expecting to see his cadaver or his detached limbs on the adjacent balcony, there he was in one piece, having landed steadily on the air conditioner condenser unit next to my terrace, surprised that his own ridiculous stunt worked. That crazy son of a bitch!
"You idiot! I thought you were gonna..." - but he hopped across the railing, grabbing my arm before I could slap his face, pushing me against the wall and shutting me up with his tongue. Holy mother of Jesus! Yet again, I was contemplating on whether I should push him off the balcony myself or once we finish what he started. Before I could decide his fate, he slid the door open, throwing me onto the bed while unbuttoning the rest of his shirt, throwing away his necklace and revealing a toned body underneath. He may live for now.
He crawled his way towards me, biting onto my ear while slowly uncovering my robes. His tongue and lips traced their way from my neck all the way down to my belly, leaving no skin intact. His beard intensified the sensations even more, creating an extremely pleasurable experience, impossible to resist.
"Want me to stop?" - he asked half-breathed, making me bite onto my own lips so as not to wake up the entire hotel. I shook my head momentarily, pleading for more while caressing his curly hair. "Say it." - I never imagined him having such a dirty side, not that I was complaining.
"Don't stop." - I pleaded.
"I won't."
And so the hottest hour of my life began, our bodies grinding in harmony, making love to each other. I felt weightless and worshiped, forgetting everything else, addicted to his touch. It was him and I now, enjoying our last time together with the clock ticking against us, releasing all the emotions and desires we kept from one another for so long. Two silhouettes making shapes in the dark, embracing the point of no return. The night I was taking with me to the grave. The poison he injected in my blood, eccentric yet compelling, conveyed me to an almost euphoric-like state. And behind it, that feeling of pure vulnerability and raw intimacy when undressed, as if you're confiding everything in your possession to this exceptional person.
Although exhausted from today's events, we continued on and on, experimenting and carrying out our wildest fantasies until our bodies could no longer bare more pleasure, compensating for all the lost opportunities. He fell next to me, breathless, still holding on to me tightly, playing with my hair. Bloody hell, no wonder she won't let go of him! He kept whispering those three magical words into my ears throughout the past hour, enchanting me with his passionate nature. For how long, O'Dea? Until July?
Once recovered, we tiptoed our way into the bathroom, entering the spacious tub filled with hot water. Although we got to know each other's bodies intimately only moments ago, there was still this shyness that accompanied nudity, as if that protective layer is gone and there's nothing left but your authentic self. He threw in a pink bath bomb and some rose petals, lit up a few candles and turned off the lights before diving in himself. Unnecessary, yet brilliantly atmospheric.
He pulled my legs up, kissing every toe softly and making my ticklish self giggle. It's so strange how he's capable of lifting me high up in the clouds, but also disintegrate me into nothingness when things go south. Were the highs worth suffering through the lows, however? Guess we'll find out tomorrow. He turned to my side, laying against my chest, wrapped around my arms, observing the reflection of the candle lights in my eyes.
"I've never felt this way before. It's hard to explain." - I disclosed openly.
"Take your time, I'm all ears." - his low whispering voice combined with the water droplets falling from my arms echoed throughout the silent bath, as if the hotel was deserted.
"Kind of like this odd feeling of emptiness inside, but not the bad kind, almost like you're fulfilled, or complete. Ever since I met you, I felt this...link between us and now that we've finally established it, there's nothing left for me to do." - I took the unique opportunity to mess with his wet curly hair laying against my chin, massaging his scalp, planting a soft kiss on his left shoulder covered in tiny moles.
"This connection we have, it's one of a kind Noah. But don't let it blind you into thinking there is nothing more to life than this. The way I see it, it's like a journey of self-fulfillment, where you're constantly expanding your knowledge and skills, like you're pushing your boundaries and discovering your interests along the way." - the philosopher elaborated.
"I know that, it's just, even if the world was ending...this would somehow balance everything out, you know? It's kind of beautiful, in its own apocalyptic way." - I smiled, imagining an asteroid falling from the sky towards us. My fear was gone temporarily. "So...where are you getting married?" - I asked Valentina's future husband ironically after having the sex of my life with him, while she was sleeping peacefully above us. If it was anyone else, I would feel remorse, but not for her. It's almost like an act of revenge for stealing him from me. Plus, it was his burden, not mine.
"The Galway Cathedral, not far from my home, the same one my parents got married in. We're having a traditional wedding my way since she chose to organize the huge after-party by herself. She's inviting over three hundred people, including her family, friends and a lot of her dad's business partners. Not a fan of it, but her parents insisted on covering most of the expenses, so I don't have a say in it."
Even if Malory's tragic accident was revealed earlier, he was still as mysterious as ever. How could he possibly act like what we did just now was normal, only a few months away from the wedding? Everyone has their flaws, this just happened to be his.
"Did she offer to pay for Malory's treatment? I know she complained about you working all the time, so why doesn't she spare you the struggle? I know it's a lot to ask for, but they're basically shitting money at this point, and it's her sister in law we're talking about." He looked rather nervous again, his typical response whenever money, Malory or Valentina are mentioned.
"Yeah, she did. But I can't accept it, dad is already in debt over his head to her father so I won't allow it to go even higher. Besides, I'm not digging mines here, I'm doing what I love." - he reassured. "Now, can we please stop talking about her? You're making me nervous."
"I'm making YOU nervous? What about you jumping from that terrace earlier, huh?" He used his special technique again to shut me up, ineffectively this time as my hormone overboard passed.
"How does it feel, you know, being a fully grown adult, getting married, taking care of your family, all that...?" - I queried, as if he was thirty years older than me.
"I don't think my brain has had time to fully realize and reflect on any of it yet. I'm not sure if I made the right call, maybe it's too early. I barely have time for myself, let alone get married and settle down. It's scary the more I think about it. I don't know how to plan a wedding, how to buy a house, pay taxes, fix a flat tire. Guess I'll have to improvise it on the way, it's what I do best." - he chuckled nervously.
"You'll manage somehow, you always do. Just Google your problems away, you'd be surprised by how effective it is." - I tried reassuring him, but I couldn't stop asking myself why he would propose to her when he didn't feel ready yet. Does he not have anything else to add? Feeling my frustration steadily building up, I decided it was best to ask the sensitive questions now than regret refraining from it later on.
"I hate asking you this, but after what we just did I have nothing else to hide from you. What the hell do you see in her?" A brief pause followed, triggering the last few bits of patience I had left. "What? You can't say one thing you like about her?" - I added with a confrontational tone this time. He switched sides again, preferring to confront me on this face-to-face.
"Oh fuck off Noah, give me a break already! Valentina this, Valentina that. Can you stop mentioning her all the damn time? She's my future wife, I'm aware of that, but can't you see I'm enjoying every second I spend with you? Yes, I did some things I regret, but this isn't something I can just undo with a flick of a wand. You hate her guts, I get it, but she does have some good traits beneath the surface, believe it or not. You just didn't dig deep enough." - he lashed out his fury onto me. Good traits? Am I supposed to dig a hole to China to find something decent about her? Fine, whatever. He didn't win this war, I'm just choosing to relax now rather than having another fight before we separate again. I caressed his beard, observing the little details that made him so irresistible: the freckles, soft lips, blushing pink skin and sense of security in his arms. And now the damn silence again, always making me feel responsible for it.
"What now?" - I catechized plain and simply the question that summarized our relationship.
"I don't know." - he shrugged it off, staring at the rose petals flowing around. Didn't expect him to have a concrete answer anyways. What? We go our separate ways, until we meet again? If we see each other again, that is. The steam from the bath mixed with the strong candle scent left me suffocating and in dire need of oxygen.
I splashed his face with pink water before hopping out of the tub clumsily, making a swift getaway. Heading outside for some fresh air, I slipped on my underwear after a lengthy search and pulled his sweater over my head, the Coliseum's impressive night lights adding to the incredible view. I stole a cigarette from his pack, wishing to know what all the fuss was about smoking after sex. I coughed embarrassingly instead, thrown away by the disgusting taste of tobacco in my mouth. Last time I tried them was in high school, reminding me of why I stopped smoking in the first place. Jamie came back barefoot a few minutes later in his jeans and half-buttoned shirt, bringing his guitar with him. Did he slip back into their room half-naked just to grab the guitar? More importantly, was I finally going to receive the private concert I deserved?
"Ha, I knew you stole my sweater you little thief. Also, since when do you smoke?" - he noticed, grabbing one for himself.
"I consider myself a social smoker." - I corrected his assumption.
"So, you smoke only when you're having a good time?" - he implied in his typical proud manner.
"You could say that, yeah."
"I'll take that as a compliment then." - he concluded with his usual cocky smirk. Okay, you got me wrapped around your fingers, no need to brag. He placed some pillows from the indoor furniture on the balcony floor, gesturing with his hands for me to come closer. Once I made myself comfortable on his lap, he lent me his guitar, using his hands to control my movements.
His fingers ran delicately through mine, guiding me throughout my first unexpected guitar lesson. I always wanted to play it, but never had the motivation to make the first step and apply for music lessons. He did most of the work while I was pretending to be on an empty stage with him, singing our hearts out to our dearest songs together. My singing voice would probably sound like a cow giving birth, but his enchanting voice would surely compensate for it. I loved the shift from his sexy Irish accent to a more American style while singing, it made him sound like a completely different person.
"I can't believe I'm asking this now, but how did you start writing and creating music?" - I murmured, feeling as safe as a red rose under a glass bell jar.
"Well, I told you before that music runs in my family and that my grandpa taught me how to play the guitar. When he passed away, I sort of improvised with the ukulele and banjo on my own, his voice almost guiding me at times. Apart from English Literature, classes never interested me, so I was sitting in the back during most lectures, drawing on the empty pages of my school notebooks. Malory enjoyed listening to my recounts of all the stories we read in class. And before you know it, doodles turned into sketches, sketches turned into cheesy poems that I kept to myself until I felt confident enough of my writing skills. My music and art teacher saw how insanely talented I was, so she gave me extra assignments and projects to work on at home." - he winked.
"That usually meant giving me a random topic to write short poems on. My parents liked the idea of me following in my grandfathers footsteps, but never intended for music to become a career path. The frequent arguments we had only fueled my desires and I was set on proving them wrong. Sure, I'm not bathing in money, but I'm happy with what I've achieved so far." - he noted, showing where his true passion belonged.
"I'm sure your grandpa would've been proud. Also, can I ask you something else? Please be honest". It was something stuck at the back of my head throughout the entire day.
"Shoot."
"That poem you wrote, "Under the Stars", was it about...the night we spent together?" Fifty percent chance that I might squeal like a little girl when her crush notices her, another fifty that I may end up majorly disappointed.
"I'll answer the same way I answered my fan earlier. It. Doesn't. Matter. You're missing the whole point of the poem. It's about love for your closest ones. Plus, not everything revolves around you." - his revolting answer forced a nasty frown on my face. He laughed, adding "but yeah, if you must know, that night did influence it a tiny bit." Ha, I knew it! I inspired one of his brilliant creations! And for that, I rewarded him with yet another kiss, more passionate this time. It felt so weird being able to so without any second thoughts. It's all I ever wanted. I switched between the bottom and upper lip, trying to figure out which one I preferred tasting.
"Would you mind reading some of them out loud for me?" - I kindly asked. He pulled out the special notebook from his backpack, with dozens of Polaroids falling out from within. Did he capture them all today? I thought he only took a few pictures. He opened the pages where he wrote the very first versions, hinted by the numerous scribbles and lines deleting several verses. It was almost like an insight into his creative process. As he scrolled through the pages, I noticed distinct sketches, words and colors around each song and poem, as if they associated him with the corresponding project. And so began Jamie's close and personal recitation of "Life, Death, and Everything In-Between", the sweet tenderness of his voice inflating my body with helium.
"Can we stay like this forever?" - I whispered with my eyes closed while yawning, but got no reply in return. Or was it all in my head?
After a few poems, though, I felt myself slowly giving in to the physical and emotional fatigue from today's tiring events and lengthy sightseeing. His soft voice guided by the calming tunes made my eyes close, until I inevitably drifted off to sleep, where I was free to picture us together, where we had a plausible future. He carried me half-asleep, placing me on the right side of the bed and covered me in white sheets, placing a light kiss on my forehead.
Feeling so weightless and safe high up in the clouds, I found myself walking towards the edges to take a closer look at what the world looked like from the sky's above, and boy was the view amazing. Nothing but endless agricultural fields painted by nature in various shades of yellow and green, surrounding a huge square full of grey buildings which seemed so tiny and laughable all the way up from here. I moved closer towards the edge, inch by inch, until my toes were hovering freely in the air. Suddenly, the fear of falling kicked in but as I was about to step back, my body paralyzed itself like a statue made from stone. Unable to move freely, I was forced to experience gravity's full power, falling down to an inevitable death for what seemed like eternity. My eyes were tearing up from the tremendous speed, spinning round and round viciously in the air, seconds away from the fatal bone crush.
An instant away before my doom, I woke up abruptly in the middle of the night, propelling myself upwards into a sitting posture, breathless and sweaty. Curiously, I found a person resting peacefully besides me, the tips of his fingers reaching out towards my arms. Hearing his controlled breathing put my brain into an instant state of relaxation, but my heart was still beating loudly from the realistic dream-turned-nightmare. Why do I always wake up before that moment, the unknown I've been sobbing over for so long? Why is my brain capable of simulating sky falling with no parachute, but too terrified to imagine the aftermath? I wish I had a clue, something to ease my mind, but my faith remains the same.
Staring into the pitch darkness of the ceiling, my troubled body started shivering slowly at the realization of my impending doom, my cursed mind drifting off into the dark depths of reality, where there was no going back. A one way ticket. My hands gripped onto the soft blanket, twisting and turning the edges aggressively, the heels of my feet kicking into the mattress, tears plopping out of the corners of my eyes, ready to burst at any moment. The thought of not existing for eternity made me regret existing in the first place, as now I was aware of what I would lose, and what would follow. And him, I would lose him. Forever. No pretty eyes to glance at me while I'm looking away, no cheesy lines for me to fall for, no touch to make me feel safe. Even now while his face is only inches away, he feels so damn out of reach.
A recollection of yesterday's events played in my head like an old cassette tape, the day I felt alive, where I breathed life with my lungs full, experiencing everything I wanted, and so much more. I don't want this to end, ever. I really don't. I pushed the pillow against my face, hoping to suppress the sobs and screams by biting onto it, but it did little to control the devastation I was feeling through my body and soul. I was running out of breath, but I kept pushing, hoping the pain would go away.
"Noah, what's going on? NOAH!" - his muffled voice shouted as he forcefully pulled the pillow away from me and threw it across the room. "Have you lost your mind?!" Too fragile to speak, I shoved my face on his naked chest, squeezing his body tightly and he showed no signs of discomfort. His arms were floating in the air, but after a quick realization, they rested against my shoulders and back, no words spoken either. His heart was beating ridiculously fast, pumping through his chest. It too, will stop beating some day, like mine.
"I'm so scared Jamie, I don't want to feel like this anymore." - I cried. A gentle kiss was planted against my skull, his fingers caressing me tenderly, his voice humming a dreamy lullaby into my ears.
"Relax baby, I'm here now." - he whispered softly, and for a brief moment, I did, falsely believing his words and they were enough to end the reoccurring episode. I closed my eyes, and out of nowhere, a faint smile spread across my lips at that four-letter word. Baby. Ha, I like the sound of that.
I woke up the following morning dizzy and confused in an unfamiliar bed, having forgotten that I spent the night at the hotel. Facing the balcony, a quick realization made me regret opening my eyes. The room was awfully quiet. Was he still there? I didn't have the courage to turn around and check, worried that he may not be laying on the other side. All I can remember is him writing or drawing something next to me in the middle of the night, unable to rest. After a heavy sigh, I used what little was left of my hope to find out the answer. It appeared slightly cleaner than last night and his side of the bed was done, as if he tidied up a bit and left in a hurry. Either way, he was gone.
I remained motionless for the following hour, my brain and muscles stiff and inactive, my will to live vanished. I didn't even have the energy to cry, that's how exhausted I was. A huge hole opened up inside my chest, as if a part of my body had been ripped off in my deep sleep. "Now you suffer." - my subconscious concluded. My phone rang for a while, but I couldn't bother answering. Whoever it was, it didn't matter. It surely wasn't him. However, it kept buzzing numerous times, Leo's picture appearing on the display. I pressed the green button but couldn't bare to speak.
"Noah? Where are you? Is everything okay?" - he asked anxiously. I waited a few seconds to hold back my tears but there was no use, they kept flowing like a waterfall.
"No, nothing is." After giving him a brief summary of what happened, he insisted on picking me up at the hotel by car. I couldn't stand being there another second, his scent still roaming around through the sheets and the sweater I was still wearing, poisoning my lungs.
Dressing up in despair, I looked around the room, hoping to find him hiding in a closet or under the bed, reassuring me he would stay forever. But he was hundreds of miles away, pursuing his bright future and accomplishing more than I ever would. Going through the mess left behind, my fingers traced through the furniture, generating vivid flashbacks from last night. He didn't even say goodbye, nor did he leave a note. Nothing. Absolutely nothing, as if it was all just a stupid product of my imagination. However, when sliding the balcony door to check if I forgot anything before leaving, I found his guitar standing flat against the wall with a small heart carved in and our initials "J+N" written in its center. A farewell gift, how kind of him. Does he really believe a stupid guitar will compensate for a shattered heart? For someone with many talents, emotional intelligence sure wasn't one of them.
Throughout our deepest bonding moments, I kept reassuring myself I'd find another just like he managed to replace me, but deep down it didn't seem like a possible reality. After him, no one else mattered. No guy could ignite that spark inside, no girl could make me feel so comfortable being myself. In his eyes, I was someone he could lash out his thoughts, feelings, and problems like a punching bag, leaving me behind while he pursued his own career and goals. A bubble gum he would chew up, spitting it out the moment it lost its signature taste. If it weren't for him, I'd be content with someone else right now but after getting a taste of what could have been mine, my standards will forever remain unreachable. He was actively ruining me, and I let him do it every step of the way.