Played like a Guitar - Chapter 21: Chapter 21

"YOU HOOKED UP WITH JAMIE O'DEA?! No freaking way!" – she screamed, prompting me to jump over the table in an effort to shut her indiscreet blabbermouth.
"Shh! Zip it, you dimwit!" – I hushed her. She started flapping her arms and legs like a six-year-old on steroids, mind-blown by the fact that her best friend was secretly dating one of her ultimate celebrity crushes.
"You hid this from me this entire time?!" – she whispered loudly. "How could you?" - she muttered, placing her left hand on her heart, as if this revelation inflicted a heavy wound on her tremendously sensitive heart.
"And now you understand why." - I nodded my head towards the disturbed guests who kept staring at us every two seconds.
"Yeah, sorry about that...But seriously?! How did you meet? Is he a good kisser? Did you have some sexy time? Tell me everything!" – she begged with stars in her eyes. As much as I loved Elektra, her face appeared extra slap-able with the series of intrusive questions she adored asking.
"How do I know you won't gossip about us to some random person the second you leave this café, like your manicurist or coworker?" - I challenged her faithfulness with half-shut eyes.
"I won't, I promise! I'm no longer like that. Pinky swear?" – she offered her little finger, as if breaking it would cause an eternity of pain and suffering onto the promise-breaker. I'm going to regret this later, aren't I? Shaking our pinkies, we sealed the deal under God's eye.
"I suggest you order another drink and lay back, there's a LOT to tell." - Leo informed her truthfully while leaning back comfortably on his chair, ready to hear the crazy and unexpected story that was my love life for the past years again. A verbal recall of every event in detail, the last thing I needed right now.
Disclosing her our journey so far was emotionally strenuous to say the least. Despite my resentment towards his latest life decisions, I couldn't hide my joy when I described how perfectly compatible we were for each other, almost like I designed him in a genetic lab or in one of those Sims games I used to play on my computer. Not to mention his charismatic nature, remarkable talents and passion for music. But then came the unsightly parts, the ones that ruined everything, the ones that were difficult to overlook and forget about. For someone who interrupts people mid-sentence, Elektra was sitting quietly (almost too quietly) on her chair, nodding every two seconds to show that she was paying attention. I could almost see a loading sign floating above her head.
"Well Noah, for the first time in my life, I'm speechless." - she raised her eyebrows, blinking in quick succession with her fake eyelashes.
"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"
"Let's just say I considered myself slutty until now, but sleeping with an engaged celebrity hunk a few months before his wedding is some next level shit. You beat me, congrats." - she offered her hand as if we were participating in a hoeing competition, but I ignored it.
"Can you please stop focusing on the sex part? What about everything else I just spent half an hour talking about?" - I slammed my face against the tablecloth in exhaustion.
"Okay, from what I've gathered so far, you're both madly in love with each other and have this little connection going on, but for some reason he forgets about all of it as soon as he leaves." - she gave a brief overview of the situation.
"Yes! It's driving me insane! I genuinely don't expect him to just tell Valentina about us immediately, but how can he continue following his plans with her, pretending that nothing happened? I couldn't look at my girlfriend after I expressed my love for him, yet he somehow plans on MARRYING that chick after cheating on her. He's not an emotionless prick - cross my heart." - I gestured accordingly.
"I believe you, darling. Maybe it was just the spur of the moment, nothing more. If he moved on so quickly, why don't you? You can easily find someone better, and more importantly, someone single." - she emphasized the last part.
"Er, you don't understand! It wasn't just some one time thing, what we had was real. I've never felt that way before." - I shared with pure honesty.
"I mean, considering how little time he spends with Valentina, I wouldn't be surprised if he decided to devote his lonely nights to someone else in the meantime. Men can be trash sometimes, I've learned that the hard way." - she exhaled, recalling unpleasant past experiences with her numerous douchebag ex's. "They're like little babies, needing constant affection and entertainment or else they get bored and look elsewhere." She might be a bit subjective and overgeneralizing, but El knows what the other person wants to hear, and that's exactly what I wanted to hear.
"No, I won't accept that. I'm not some sort of temporary replacement for that spoiled rat. Even when she arrived, he couldn't stay away from me." - I remained defensive, refusing to believe Jamie would use me to satisfy his needs. Vivid images of the couple sitting across from me at the restaurant resurfaced. I should've shoved the chopsticks right up her nose.
"Okay, even if what you say is true, the wedding is still taking place in what, two weeks? I'm sorry if we're coming off as mean, but we're just looking at things from a different perspective. It fills my heart to see you experience love for the first time, and I hope you end up with someone who makes you feel the same way, you deserve nothing less." - Leo intervened into the debate, adding an evident point. Ultimately, none of it mattered, because the outcome remains the same: the two exchanging rings at the altar.
"If you knew about the wedding, would you have gone out with him anyways?" - Elektra asked seriously. The biggest question of them all, one I couldn't set my mind on. Biting the delicious forbidden fruit only to get poisoned, or spending the rest of your life wishing you had a taste of it? Jealousy or regret? This leads to yet another moment of contemplation: had we not met that night at the gig, he never would've been an option for me. Surely I don't regret meeting him. Do I?
"All these years, I pushed away every person that showed mild romantic interest in me, convincing myself that the wait would be worth it, that one day we'd somehow reunite and make it all work. Leo remembers, when I saw the poster of his book tour, I flipped. It was like a sign of God that everything was set in place for us to be together, that my patience would be finally rewarded. But things didn't really go as planned, did they? If it weren't for that damn poster, I would've given up on him by now and moved on with my life." Once again, I'm stuck in recovery mode, unable to invest myself emotionally to anyone else, wasting precious years dedicated to romantic exploration.
"One day you'll wake up and realize how foolish you were to even think that your life has gone to waste over some silly guy." Every word she said came from personal experience, there's no doubt, but yet I persistently believed that our case was unique and could not be understood by others.
"Just need some time for reality to kick in, that's all. In answer to your previous question, if I were offered a second chance, I would've done it all over again. In fact, I would gladly suffer through the aftermath one more time just to relive that day. After the wedding, I doubt we'll see each other anymore so as far as creating new memories goes, we're done." - I reached a safe conclusion.
"Better leave a good impression then. One so impeccable he'll regret not choosing you until his last breath. Speak of the devil, when are you leaving?" - El asked curiously.
"Yeah...about that. Technically, Valentina invited me but I didn't receive a proper formal invitation like the other guests did."
"Oh, how come he didn't leave you one at the hotel?" - Leonardo rubbed salt to the wound.
"I don't know. Maybe he forgot, maybe they didn't make them yet, or they simply don't want me to be one of their guests." - I shrugged, as oblivious as they were.
"Why don't you try texting him?" His brainless questions are something special, I swear. I took out my phone, pretending to type on the black screen.
"Sure, that's an amazing idea Leonardo. Hey Jamie! It's me, Noah. Remember that time we hooked up and confessed our hidden love for each other? Yeah? Cool, you forgot to invite me to your wedding. One invitation please!" Roaring of laughter, Elektra held her stomach, unable to breath whereas Leo spit his ice tea back into the glass. Why can't I go to nice places without always having the feeling that I'll be kicked out?
"And how exactly do you plan on attending a celebrity wedding with top-notch security without an invitation?" - Leo added yet another brilliant question to the list.
"Why on Earth would Noah attend an event uninvited?" Well, it's cute that she believes I have some pride left in me at this point.
"To crash the wedding and run away with him, duh." - Leo put my unrealistic expectations into words.
"Good thing you're cute, it compensates for your lower IQ." Ironic coming from her.
"Um...thanks?" - he blushed timidly. Oh just kiss already!
"You still have some time to think about it. Only go if you've come to terms with the whole situation." - she reassured me, grasping my hands tightly.
"Getting there isn't the issue, he mentioned it was going to be small and intimate. But yes, you're right, maybe it's best I let go of him for now."
"Heard that one before." Well, inner-voice, I will, for good this time. That reminds me, I should probably consult my therapist for that.
At the beginning, it seemed like my life was gradually stabilizing: cheesy horror movies in outdoor cinemas (Carpenter's 1978 Halloween), iced mocha lattes on beaches, funky restaurants and car trips to nearby villages. The ideal summer vacation to lay back and enjoy all the lazy days ahead of us. Obviously, occasional reminders of him popped up here and there such as street performers or couples holding hands but nothing that triggered a depressive episode. I started noticing people around me again, craving to explore my interests and perhaps find someone I could call my next mistake. By letting go of the past, I was opening up new pathways for the future: a faint light at the end of a dark tunnel, shining brighter by the day. My brain was slowly accepting the fact that all those imaginary scenarios in my head were just that, a product of imagination. I found myself in the same situation before the library reunion, back when I thought I was over him and yet I managed to fall even harder afterwards. The whole point of it was to leave things on a positive note, but I didn't expect it to reach this level of intimacy. Will I be able to see him again without the feelings returning? To look him straight in the eyes and say "Congratulations on the wedding, I'm really happy for you two". Sincerely doubt it, but maybe it's what it will take for me to get over him, to start a new chapter in my life, the post-Jamie era. "Are you even listening to yourself?" - the voice cringed.
After every storm, there must be a calm. Mine happened a lot sooner than expected. More than a week before the wedding, we went clubbing to celebrate Leo's acceptance at a research facility he signed up for a while ago. Using Elektra's numerous connections with club owners, we were given a table next to the barista on a rooftop bar, yet separated from the dance floor so we could see the drinks being made in front of us, and no one could enter our private space to secretly add some 'magical' ingredient inside like last time. Reassuring us that she was comfortable being around alcoholics and this type of environment again, Elektra ordered the two of us some shots and beverages. She stuck to her virgin cocktail and vape as a replacement for her usual cigarettes and booze, which she only used on special occasions like these.
For the first time ever, I actually dressed to impress, and boy were there eyes heading my way. Maybe it was the slight alcohol intoxication that amplified my interpretation of others intentions towards me, or perhaps I simply haven't noticed them until now. It's as if I regained sight over my surroundings, my eyes finally open after a long period of time. A young woman with stunning African braids, green-yellow eyes and bright purple lipstick was dancing near us, catching my attention. And then next to her, a slightly older tattooed man wearing all black and lots of silver accessories across his body. And all around them, so many interesting people with unique styles and fair share of hidden stories and secrets. Who's the next candidate, Noah? "Just remember, if they play a guitar, run for your life." No need to tell me twice!
The temperature rose up from all the heat going on between Elektreo (that's my secret ship name for them, although it sounds like some sort of Pokémon name) which was my cue to give them some privacy and join the crowd dancing to a club remix of Destiny Child's "Say My Name". The rhythm of the night carried over again, shaking the stress away and focusing on the moment at hand. Only this time, I wasn't drunk and his eyes weren't monitoring every single move from a distance. I seemed content dancing on my own, consoled that I had options all around me but only if I desired them. Besides, I don't need anyone else to shine. It's me, myself and I tonight.
As the previous song was coming to an end, the same drums and guitar strings I heard last week started playing in the background, indicating that none other than "Wild" was coming next. The room became pitch black and time stood still as everyone in the room froze in place. On the opposite side, in the middle of the crowd, stood a slightly younger and happier Jamie O'Dea with the same outfit and hairstyle he had the night he made me fall right of the stairs and into the world of love. To think he looked so charming and innocent back then with his little freckled smile, unaware of all the tragic accidents life was preparing for him in the near future.
"Care to dance with me one last time?" - he bowed down, offering his right hand.
The same little things that gave that fluttery sensation in my stomach and made my cheeks blush were no longer effective. Getting my hopes up only to be disappointed moments later over and over again was so debilitating. But I've learned my lesson now the hard way. I've grown stronger.
"I loved you Jamie, I really did. But we can't keep going like this. It's over." - I closed the chapter. Our chapter.
The frozen clock ticked once again, the music and people reappeared and everything was back to normal. Looking behind me, I noticed Leo and Elektra checking to see if I was going to have another meltdown but on the contrary, I was dancing and singing along with the crowd like I didn't have a secret affair with one of the singers. They gladly joined me on the dance floor, thrilled to see the sudden change. Checking the place where he stood earlier during the song's outro, Jamie's shadowy silhouette disappeared into nothingness. The song ended.
"Oh, what's this?" - the inner voice whispered inquisitively.
The cage has been opened.
"It appears you don't need me anymore..." - it sounded almost pleased.
I am letting go.
"You are free..." - it murmured in an inaudible undertone before drifting away.
I am free.