Played like a Guitar - Chapter 7: Chapter 7

For the final location, I gave Jamie no choice but to cover his eyes with Benjamin's tie so as not to spoil the surprise I arranged for him. Upon arrival, I grabbed him by the arm, guiding him towards the city's most spectacular scenery and my dearest spot, where I would retreat for inspiration, reflection and escape from daily hassles: a small cliff, with nothing more than a bench and two tree on both sides, offering a breathtaking panoramic view displaying all the infrastructures, lights, sea and navy sky.
"Are you ready?" - I murmured gently into his ear.
"I don't think I am, but here we go." - he took off the tie, carefully absorbing the visual gratification the night had to offer. A moment of justified silence followed - him enjoying the view and me observing the sparkles in his eyes. The left one was a beautiful ocean I wanted to dive in, the right one a jungle filled with secrets I yearned to explore. The only word he managed to let out was my name, confirming indirectly that I made the right choice of coming here. We sat down on opposite sides of the bench, cherishing every second of the moment. Observing the distant details, it really made you appreciate what you had in life, what was missing, all while reflecting on your past, present and future, but also admire how beautiful the world can be even with all its  flaws and hazards, for just a fraction of a second. The city seemed frozen in time, peaceful and abandoned. Looking down from the edge, I noticed my usual fear of heights had disappeared; no longer afraid, feeling safe next to him. But with the view came the dreadful awareness that one day you will no longer be there to watch the sun go down, smell your grandma's cooking, hear your favorite song playing on the radio, touch your loved ones. Death was the cost of life, and I wasn't ready to accept it.
"Jamie, what do you think happens after we pass away?" - I asked, like a child witnessing its goldfish die for the first time.
"I haven't given it much thought, to be honest. I try not dwell on it too much, it can mess up your mind badly. Maybe it's like an eternal dream, just revisiting some of your favorite memories, or perhaps going to a place far, far away where those who've passed will be waiting for you. It's what I'd like to think, at least. Maybe's it's just pure, everlasting nothingness. Why do you ask? Are you afraid of it?" - he focused his attention on me.
"Afraid is an understatement, I'm fucking terrified." Eternal. That word scared the living crap out of me. Whenever I reflected on its meaning, I imagined decades, millenniums, then millions and billions of years more, but it still wouldn't pass. It was just...forever, and worst of all, there was absolutely nothing I could do to prevent it. "I remember thinking about it when I was ten or something, imagining that passage from life to death, from existing to passing away, and it would drive me insane. I would start screaming in my pillow and kicking the bed, agonized by the frailness of my very existence. It lasted for weeks, but then one day, it just stopped. Since it was so emotionally exhausting, I decided to distract myself whenever it crossed my mind and it usually works. Until that day comes, I want to give life everything I can, so I can die happily." – I confessed, feeling the weight off my shoulders followed by an unexpected smile, as if I felt at peace with whatever the future held. He turned his head towards me, revealing a gloomy empathetic expression.
"It can't have been easy going through that, especially at a young age. Look, I wish I could tell you the answer, but it's out of my reach. Like you said, don't think about it. It's better for you to focus on the present and enjoy the moment instead of dwelling on the future. It's probably like the instance you go from being awake to falling asleep, the one we don't remember. Who knows, maybe we get reincarnated, or wake up as part of some weird alien simulation or something?" - he chuckled but noticed my unresponsiveness.
"All I'm saying is that someone, or something, created everything around us. We can't just be a result of some Big Bang, something had to cause that too. It's all part of the mystery, though. What's the charm in knowing all the answers? We wouldn't have anything to think about, to keep us motivated." – he noted, trying to comfort me. I moved closer to him, laying my head on his thighs, admiring the stars and his comforting aura. His left hand playing with my hair, the other one gently cuddling my arm. I could get used to this.
"You know, at one point I was even thinking of studying medicine in hopes of becoming the scientist who invented a brilliant machine capable of granting immortality or a longer life spam, with the help of master engineers and researchers of course."
"I see you were quite the optimist. What happened?" - he chuckled.
"Too dumb for that shit." - I confessed and we both laughed, but there was some regret behind mine. "Imagine spending decades of studying, experimenting and researching, only to fail to achieve your primary goal. No thanks." - I added, but it was more of a self-consolation.
"Well, guess that Nobel prize will go to someone else now. Oh well." - he teased me, but it only added to the already sufficient existentialism.
"Do you think there's another species somewhere out there looking at the sky as we're speaking, wondering if other lifeforms exist?" - I expressed the random thought out loud, imagining what the aliens would look like.
"Maybe a hundred thousand light years away from us." - he looked upwards into infinity.
"A hundred thousand light years?! But that's so...far away. It's crazy the more you think about it, makes me feel so minuscule in comparison. Our eyes can't even process the speed of light, now imagine it zooming for thousands of years to reach our extraterrestrial neighbors." - I gasped in awe.
"Welcome to our universe, little one." - he patted me on the forehead, as if I just realized that now.
"As much as I enjoy complaining about kids and their technology nowadays like your average grandpa, I can't help but wish I was born in an era where casual space travel is possible. Wouldn't it be cool to go for a one-day trip to the Moon, or stay on Mars for a week if we're feeling fancy?" For some reason, my brain kept visualizing us holding hands and floating through space in cute astronaut suits.
"How about you discover your own planet first before venturing into outer space, huh?" I opened my mouth instantly to defend myself, but he had a fair point.
"Point taken."
"Now that you're sharing your life problems with me, anything else bothering you?" - the psychotherapist was generous enough to ask. Well yes, actually. For starters, that ridiculously flawless face of yours, those lips I want to taste more than anything, and don't get me even started on all the secrets hidden within the shades of your iris.
"Lots of things, really. I'm scared of heights, death, growing up, failing in life, snakes..." but my long list of phobias was interrupted.
"YOU, out of all people, think you're going to fail in life!? You're one of the best students your college has to offer, if not the very best! Are you kidding me?" - he looked down at my face in disbelief.
"My parents set very high expectations from me, that's all. I don't want all these years of education to go down the drain, with all the money and time invested into making it happen. I know deep down they won't, but I won't be satisfied until I find out. Easy for you to say when you're one step away from becoming an international celebrity. You're talented, in love with your girlfriend, have a supportive family and out here living your dreams." - I reminded him with jealousy.
"That's not true, Noah. You have no idea what goes on behind closed curtains, and everything I went through to be here where I am today. Barely any of those things you said were accurate." Ouch, guess I was wrong. Dumb-ass move.
"You're right...I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry." - I apologized sincerely. "It's just, you were beaming on that stage earlier and I wanted to feel that way someday too." - I explained with determination.
"You will, I can promise you that. Never underestimate your impact on this world. As for the growing up part, it sucks but you'll get used to it. For what it's worth, it will make you appreciate some small things you took for granted as a child, like home-cooked meals, a clean house, friendships, you name it. Because the day will come when you might not have them anymore, and it will be too late." I haven't seen this serious, deeper side of his personality until now, it sent chills through my body. What did your poor soul go through, O'Dea?
"I'll keep that in mind, thanks. What monstrosities art thou afraid of, glorious one? Leprechauns?" – I teased him, curious to learn everything there was to this man. I also noticed the weather becoming cloudier, hinting towards a heavy rain but I didn't mind. Even if a tsunami or tornado was heading our way, he'd be here by my side.
"Hey, it might be a joke to you but I was terrified of those nasty little creatures when I was a kid. My friend showed me the horror movie version and I was scarred for life. But yeah, other than that, mostly just dying alone." – he said rather calmly.
I burst out in laughter, not taking the last part seriously. "Oh, you're being serious, okay."
"Um, what's that supposed to mean?" – he questioned with an offended tone, clearly wishing to hear the reasoning behind my comment. Fine, so be it.
"I mean, with that charming face, fit body and strong character, I don't see how that could ever be a possibility, Rockstar." He chuckled and rolled his eyes Noah-style, not persuaded enough.
"Are we still talking about me here?" - he was pushing all my buttons on purpose and I wanted to punch him into realizing how perfect he was. I pushed his face playfully, causing him to unintentionally lose his balance and fall over, pulling me with him onto the grass patch behind the bench. Ignoring the minor head concussions we received on impact, we roared with laughter at our mutual clumsiness. Lying next to me, he took the opportunity to tickle my stomach again so I forced him onto his back, sitting on top of him. Uh-oh. He stopped moving; our faces so close you could cut the tension with a knife - the same love-struck gaze from the beach. This was it, the green light I was waiting for, now or never. I closed my eyes and went for the kiss, expecting the most pleasurable experience of my life but was pushed off his torso instead, millimeters away from reaching his lips.
"Noah, we...I can't." – he mumbled, misery taking over his expression. I opened my mouth to apologize instinctively but no words came out. I was left speechless and broken, wishing to fall through the ground and disappear forever into oblivion. He reached out to his coat's pocket and pulled out a small navy box, revealing a shiny diamond ring inside.
"This...is for Valentina. I...I planned on proposing to her next week in Ibiza. I'm so sorry, I truly am." – he finished me off with a fatal blow, but his words ran straight through me as I was no longer there, having evaporated into nothingness. All the joy, hope and energy that were once part of me, vanished in the blink of an eye. His eye. I stood up before I could let my tears fall in front of him, and started making my way downhills.
"Where are you going? Wait, hold on a second!" – he started catching up to me, so I burst into a sprint, not wanting him anywhere near me again. But I couldn't run, my legs gave up after mere seconds. "Don't run, I'm begging you. Please, can we talk about this?" – he cried. I raised my face, raindrops splashing onto it but I didn't care. Nothing mattered anymore.
"There is nothing to discuss Jamie, your actions were enough. You have your life all set-up for you, so just go live it! Leave me alone, I'm done!" - I continued walking towards my house, already soaked from the pouring rain, no signs of him following me. Didn't take much for him to give up. A fucking proposal ring? He had the nerves to make me believe there was something unique going on between us. To think I opened up my heart to that jerk...
Minutes later, the headlights lit up the road, coming to a halt in front of my soaked feet. He opened the door, pleading to drive me home with those puppy eyes of his. I ignored them, determined to be left alone for the rest of the night. No, the rest of my life. He jumped out of the car but before his fingers could reach my wet jacket, I screamed at him not to touch me, bursting into tears. Still, he pulled me in for a hug, his chin on my head, holding me tightly. I tried pushing him back, but I just couldn't. Every particle of energy I had left was drained. He helped me get inside the car, notifying Benjamin to drop me off on the way back, and he started the engine without uttering a single word.
I laid against the blurry window, staring thoughtlessly at the full moon. It's funny how such a memorable night could turn into a horrific nightmare with one fucking sentence. I couldn't bare sharing the same air in this tight space with him any longer, his guilty eyes fixated on me. None of it made sense. Was I imagining his hints all along? His smile, starry gaze, kind words...Was any of it real, or was it all in my head? I kept asking myself millions of questions for the rest of the ride. The car slowly pulled up near my apartment building, after what felt like an eternity on pins and needles. Before closing the door, I took one final look at his guilt-racked face, the man of my dreams, the one who shattered my heart to an unmendable state.
"You know, I've never told anyone I loved them before and actually mean it. You were going to be the first one. Goodbye, Jamie." – but before he could answer, I shut the door in his dejected face before disappearing in the rainstorm, hoping it would be the last time I see it.