Played like a Guitar - Chapter 8: Chapter 8

Emptiness. Nothing but pure emptiness - that's what the following weeks felt like. The first night was the worst, as I never felt so alone in my life, crying my heart out in the pillow. I did have Athena, but I knew deep down it was impossible for us to continue our relationship.
First of all, she didn't deserve to date a cheating scumbag. Secondly, I couldn't look her in the eyes without feeling guilt, so things would never be the same again for us. Lastly and foremost, it wasn't true love, the one I felt last night with the wrong person, the one I wanted so badly but was taken away from me before I could even get a taste.
The world transformed into shades of grey and blue as feelings of indifference and melancholy prevailed. The same little things that once brightened up my day, now seemed so irrelevant. I would spend most of it staring aimlessly at the ceiling, as if it would reveal answers to my burning questions. My father noticed my psychological absence so I explained to him how I had a fight with a close friend of mine (since he was unaware of my past relationships) and asked him to give me some space to process it on my own. I couldn't possibly mention Jamie and Athena as revealing my sexuality to him was the last thing I needed, especially since he wasn't exactly the most open-minded person. I believe his words during pride month were: "They should all be burned to the ground!". If so, then with a raging flame I shall go out.
Forcing myself to attend classes was unsuccessful, unable to focus for more than five minutes without wondering off somewhere far away where the world was simpler, happier. I stopped calling my mother and texting my friends, my appetite went downhill and my skin looked disturbingly pale and tired. He really did a number on me. The beach moment haunted me in my nightmares, his two soul-penetrating eyes judging me from the murky depths, waking me up at night, dripping in sweat and tears. Did he look at her the same way? Did she fall for his empty words like I did? Bottles of red wine or sleeping pills got me through the lonely nights, otherwise I couldn't possibly get any rest.
My tired mind kept replaying the surreal scenes from that night, imagining an alternate ending where he accepts the kiss and spends the rest of it laying next to me until the red sunrise emerged. Still, he would have left anyways, but on much better terms with me. Who knows, maybe I would be even more miserable now had we hooked up, having experienced the peak of my life only for it to be followed by an instant downfall.
Following her altruistic and caring nature, Athena offered help dozens of times via text but I switched off my phone, shutting myself in the dark and stuffy cave that was my bedroom. From her perspective, our relationship was stable until the concert, after which my personality supposedly turned from fun and romantic to depressed and uninterested in the blink of an eye. She must be reevaluating everything, trying to pinpoint what exactly happened in the meantime. I even steered clear of the area where her campus was located, avoiding the inescapable argument between us that was brewing for the past week. Does it really count as cheating, though? Technically, nothing happened between Jamie and I. "It's the thought that counts, you selfish dimwit." - the voice emphasized. Maybe for once I should stop denouncing the truth and accept the consequences of my own actions. Regardless of my egotistical nature, they arrived when I was coming back from my afternoon classes, only to find Athena sitting in front of my apartment building.
"Where the hell have you been? I've been trying to reach you all week." - she complained before I could even greet her.
"Sorry, my phone was off, I had this um...group project I've been working on for a while now. It's been a rough week." - I lied, unable to maintain eye contact.
"Oh please, cut the crap already. I saw you unplugging your headphones from your phone earlier and you're weeks ahead of your schedule! After three months of dating, I think I'm capable enough to know when something is off, something serious this time." - she remarked, pissed off like never before.
"It's nothing, I've been feeling down lately, that's all. Can we please talk about this some other time?" Gosh, I hate being put on the spot like this.
"Some other time? You're joking, right? What's gotten into you? What, am I not good enough for you anymore? Is it the sex? Am I rushing things too much, being clingy?" - the last words came out as sobs, her feelings hurt beyond repair. I felt like having all traces of my existence deleted instantly, realizing the pain I had caused to this innocent and wondrous creature that wanted nothing but my happiness.
"No, none of this is your fault! I...I don't think we can work this out anymore." There was no point in delaying it any longer.
"What? Why would you say that?" - her voice cracked, shocked by the harsh, cold direct nature of my response. There was no reply that could possibly pull me out of this godawful mess, that could make me look like I wasn't the culprit of this crime.
"Is there someone else involved?" - she uttered, making my body shrink to the size of a pea, cornered by her deathly glare. "No escape this time, face the consequences."
"It's him, isn't it?" - her eyes read my expressions like a book.
"Who?" - I finally spoke up, alarmed that her detective skills were so close to finding out the truth.
"That musician from the Midnight Blues, the one you were staring at all night." Was it really that obvious? More importantly, will this be the end of his career if the rumor breaks out?
"No, he's engaged." - I denounced her assumption.
"I fucking knew it." - she circled around with her hands on her face, shaking her head. "To think I put so much effort into a worthless piece of shit! All I wanted was for us to go out and celebrate our three months together, and this is how you repay me? I'm not some toy you can play with whenever you're bored! It hurts me Noah, I didn't think you were capable of this. Here, take your shit, I won't be needing it anymore. We're done. Don't talk to me ever again!" - she turned her bag upside down, letting all my belongings smash against the concrete pavement and left, full of rage and disappointment. I reached out my hand towards her but it just stayed there in the air, motionless, aware that there was nothing stopping her from leaving. The spark was missing between us and it was only a matter of time before it would happen, but she didn't expect it to be so soon, to end in such disastrous terms. Poor girl...I will never forgive myself for doing her wrong. The irony of it all, was that she got the same treatment I received from Jamie that dreadful night.
Losing both relationships at once made me realize how dependent I was on my partners, how the special connection would seamlessly balance everything out by making me less anxious about ongoing issues I may be facing. If I was stressed over college, had fights with my parents or was feeling sick: having that significant other somehow reduced them to nothingness. Not only was I recovering from the permanent mental damage Jamie had caused on my brain, but Athena's physical absence felt like a blow to the gut. The smell of her home-made pastries, her infamous surprise kisses and hugs, consistent goodnight texts, warm body snuggling next to mine...all gone.
Thankfully, my mind began to recover after a few weeks, fully alarmed by my grades dropping down for the first time. To compensate for the lost time, I spent nights reading additional material recommended in our syllabus, even though I knew very well I was only feeding my self-esteem. Besides, being productive meant being busy, which in turn meant not thinking about him all the damn time. Observing my deteriorating image in the mirror filled me with guilt as I was embarrassed of how low I'd fallen over some guy I barely even knew. I started practicing meditation after finding out just how effective positive vibes were first thing in the morning at boosting my motivation for the rest of the day. Starting it off without any intrusive thoughts allowed me to focus in class and study at home with ease. It was the third and final year of my Bachelor's studies after all, so I couldn't allow myself to fail right before the end. As much as I loved eating chocolate, binge-watching five different series at once and letting the water flow down on me dramatically in the bathtub, it was time to return to my serious routines. It's like something just clicked in me one morning, ready to take on the world and its ruthless challenges again.
I avoided and blocked all possible sources of information concerning the Midnight Blues, including his phone number, but it was impossible to avoid him entirely. His band continued spiraling upwards to stardom, featuring in magazine covers, talk shows and headlines. They were wanted worldwide and performed everywhere they could. But I learned eventually to suppress my feelings and approach the entire situation more maturely. I got extremely attached in such a short period and over-exaggerated my expectations. Was it okay for him to show me signs of affection if he was faithful to Valentina? No. I did the same with Athena after all, but I was ready to sacrifice my relationship for him. Was this how father felt when mother rejected him?
After getting brutally rejected in the face, my self-worth flourished ironically once I began convincing myself it was he who lost a person willing to sacrifice anything to be in a relationship with him, and that I shouldn't host a pity party for one at home. Despite my inner conscious' skepticism, I downloaded some popular dating apps for the first time to show my imaginary spectators that I was ready to move on with my life. Although I preferred talking face-to-face or video-chatting over texting, I had no choice but to adapt to the circumstances and initiate conversations with strangers online from zero. Insecure, I uploaded some photos with my face blurred out, afraid that some of my classmates might recognize me. Next step was to decide what gender I was interested in dating, which proved to be more of a challenge than expected. Normally, I would've clicked on the "everyone" option, but seeing how I was disappointed by the entirety of the global male population (represented solely by one Jamie O'Dea), my index finger leaned closer to the "girls only" button.
What started as a handy distraction from the unforgettable event turned into a total bore after mere days. Once I initiated dozens of bland and repetitive conversations with either e-girls, nymphomaniacs or those seeking marriage right off the bat, I learned several things. First of all, I seriously suck at texting. Secondly, some of them reminded me of Athena and I was scared of hurting another innocent girl for trying to get close to me. Lastly, I was not interested in dating girls at the moment. Irritated over the last discovery, I switched to guys impulsively, as if finding one meant that I was victorious in this war I ultimately lost. Instead, I was greeted with an entire gallery's worth of nudes and hookup invitations, one that even Elektra the Queen of One-Night -Stands would envy. I switched to another app with the infamous swiping system, but my thumb kept swiping left automatically, rejecting even objectively good-looking fellas, simply because they were not him, and that was the cruel reality of my situation. I was still not over him.
Confused over my emotional availability, I stopped looking for love for the remainder of the year, as I needed to focus on myself, not yet ready to commit to anyone else. Most importantly, I was applying for a top class Sociology Master's degree in Italy next year and long distance relationships never seemed possible to me. I needed physical contact and affection, or otherwise my feelings would start fading away, so I was looking forward to a brand-new start. Surely I've learned from my mistakes by now, right?