Played like a Guitar - Chapter 9: Chapter 9

This morning I felt particularly tired. The alarm clock woke me up from the most wonderful dream, where I was in the middle of the ocean on a small rowboat, sailing towards somewhere that felt logical at the time, but could no longer remember now that I was awake.
The dream occupied my mind until I reached the university during my morning walk. The sun rays nourished me like a plant, I put my favorite morning playlist on and was ready to have a productive day. Part of my morning routine was observing people on the way, guessing what they were talking about, what problems they might have and their current relationship status. A lady in her late forties with highly fashionable designer clothes certainly worth thousands of euros, a pair of black shield sunglasses and leather boots was talking on the phone, clearly in distress and a breath away from murdering the person on the other side of the line. "Hmm, let's see. Her name is Donatella, widow of a successful chief executive officer, no children, pissed off at her house maid for putting an extra grain of sugar in her coffee-to-go, risking her of getting a coronary disease!" Leo chuckled out loud, making the lady turn around and send us a deadly warning with her eyes that if we were to continue mocking her, we'd would end up like her dead husband.
"Okay, my turn." - he scanned the people in front of us, trying to find someone that stands out. "Oh, that guy!" - he pointed discretely at a young man sporting a baseball cap turned sideways, a tank top and underwear peaking from his loose jeans. "Jesus, look at his red eyes. My man's so high, he can barely walk in a straight line! He probably got wasted during a wild frat party and is now stuck wandering the streets in search of his dormitory." I cringed, fully aware of how ridiculous and immature we were playing this godawful game, but I was glad to call someone like him my friend. He didn't look Italian with his cute wavy blonde hair, blue eyes and baby face. Leonardo just screams "fun" when you look at him, trying his best to brighten up the atmosphere with his unerasable smile, someone you can count on during tough times. He would always walk me home after our wild outings, worried that I was incapable of taking care of myself, being entirely new to the busy city and trusting people way too easily.
Once college started and everyone went their separate ways, I cut ties with most of my friends as it was difficult to stay in touch even with today's electronics. During our brief encounters in Manchester, most of the conversations revolved around our childhood memories, as if we were unable to create new ones. Despite how glad I was to have spent the past three years in Thess, my search for reliable friendships was unsuccessful since we only gathered for assignments and during exam seasons. Scrolling through social media, I found out Athena had a new partner and although it made me feel empty, I wished her all the best in this world, everything I was unable to provide her. I had my chance and I blew it consciously. No regrets, no complaints.
I was slowly starting to accept the fact that I was now a (mostly) independent adult living on my own in a building with humble and cheap studios designed for students. Leaving dad alone again wasn't easy, I felt guilt seeing him tearing up at the airport. We spent three wonderful years together, but I couldn't stay there forever, my visions for the future were elsewhere. I didn't spend much time in the studio either way, preferring to study in the incredible library the university had to offer. It's grandiose interior, wooden textures and endless assortment of books made me feel like I was in the forbidden sections of the Hogwarts library. Afterwards we would usually gather up and have picnics in the various parks that graced Rome with greenery and animal life, just discussing random things that came to our minds. It surely beat staying in those twenty squared meters alone with my thoughts. I got used to sleeping in an empty bed by then, but the silence was unbearable.
As the semester progressed, my days went by lightning fast, and my schedule was completely filled up from dusk til dawn. I felt fulfilled as I was working on myself and my education all while maintaining a stable connection with my family, but stress started building up steadily: not having enough time for myself combined with the pressure of catching up with my studies tested my limits. It was the first time I experienced burnout, unable to process and store a single piece of extra information in my brain. I needed to go out for some fresh air immediately or else I would go insane.
The reflection of the lampposts in the Tiber never ceased to impress me. Although it was pretty late, people were still roaming the streets which were filled with artists trying to make a name of themselves. The architectural wonders of the city center were surrounded by small colorful houses in the suburban areas, often painted in shades of yellow or orange and some even had overgrown facades. Don't even get me started on all the world renown monuments such as the Fountain of Trevi, the Colosseum, the Pantheon, Roman Forums (the endless list goes on) - all piled up in one city!
It was during these nights that feelings of loneliness would often reemerge to the surface and I desperately wanted someone to spend them with. Despite the diversity from all the international students in our class, I didn't have much luck finding someone new. The Italian students knew each other from previous years and didn't really bother involving any newcomers like myself. Leo was an exception, he had troubles making friends in high school and purposely searched for new folks who knew nothing of his past. He helped me out during our first day of class, showing me the interior of the building and then Rome's world renown wonders after noticing our compatibility. I unlocked my phone to give him a call, wondering if he was awake this time at night.
"Hey there, just wanted to check if you were up for a walk around the neighborhood? I'm near your place." He yawned. Darn, looks like I woke him up. "Oh, you're sleeping! Maybe some other time then, sorry."
"No, no, wait! I wasn't sleeping, just took a little nap, don't sweat it. Now that you mention it, I've been planning on showing you this really cool place nearby for a while now. " – he lied, but my need for company was stronger so I chose to ignore it.
After a few minutes, he left his house with messy hair and a beige sweater, clearly put on a few seconds ago as he was wearing it the wrong way. "I don't think the V-neck is supposed to be on the back, just saying." – I pointed out, causing him to slap his forehead and take it off, revealing a well-toned body. "God, I need to go to the gym." – I expressed my thoughts out loud, my brain too damaged to control itself. He blushed but didn't say a word.
"So, how come you're up this late? I thought you were chained to your working desk. I mean I'm glad you are, don't get me wrong, just surprised, that's all." Why was he acting so shy all of a sudden?
"Just needed some fresh air real bad. I'm so overwhelmed with all these responsibilities that I forgot I was living in freaking Rome for crying out loud!" - I threw my hands up in the air, admiring everything within a mile radius. "So, where are we heading?"
"There's this hidden place I wanted to show you where students our age hang out sometimes, but it's hidden from the public. Not many people know about it. Pretty sure it's empty now, might be worth checking out."
The walk towards the mysterious destination was exactly what I needed: relaxing, careless and fun. He knew how to crack me up when I was feeling down but was always compassionate whenever I needed advice. He was a better friend to me these few months than people I've known for years back in high school. Everything he did was just so selfless and real, I truly appreciated his existence in my life.
On the way there, I experienced the shock of a lifetime as I came across a very familiar face at a bookstore nearby. An employee was gluing a poster on the window, an invitation to an upcoming event. An all too familiar name I've tried avoiding for a very long time appeared above the cover of a book, one with a drawing depicting a red rose blooming and another one dying right beside it. I stopped dead in front of it, observing the words written in bold on the huge poster:
'Life, Death & Everything In-Between' – a collection of poems by Jamie O'Dea, famed guitarist from the Midnight Blues. Come join his book tour on the 5th of May for an exclusive Q&A and free signed copies!
You've got to be shitting me! Was I becoming delusional? He wrote a freaking poetry book!? So many questions went through my mind at that instance, but Leo brought me back to reality by asking what all the fuss was about. "Um, nothing. I just...didn't know he was a writer too. Let's go." - I pulled him away from the store in a hurry.
A collection of poems? So he started writing after all...Good for him.
After a few silent minutes filled with contemplation of what I just witnessed, we arrived at a tall gate secluded in a dark and unfamiliar street. It didn't lead anywhere as it was just a dead end with some manors, most of which appeared abandoned. "What is this place? Do you plan on murdering me here?" – I joked, monitoring the windows to check if any ghosts were watching us. If it weren't for the live music heard from a couple of streets away, this place would be terrifying to walk at night.
"Stop complaining, we're almost there. Let's go through here." – he pointed at two broken bars on one side of the gate, intentionally tore down for hooligans to pass through. I placed one leg on the other side, bending to see if I could squeeze through the gate all while avoiding the sharp rusty edges. Due to my slim figure, I easily slipped my way in whereas Leo climbed up like a parkour expert and landed steady on his feet. Impressive.
"Show-off." - I rolled my eyes at his little stunt since he was trying so hard to impress me with his climbing skills. There were hidden stairs leading up to an abandoned terrace with cheap plastic chairs, orange trees, random greenery spreading on the walls, and old broken toys spread around the floor. It's almost like the owners disappeared suddenly and left everything behind. Mixed feelings about this place took over. On one hand, it was creepy, illegal and unexpected but at the same time oddly peaceful and concealed from the vibrant streets.
"How did you find out about this place?" – his expression turned serious at my question.
"Maybe it's better if we leave that story for some other time, I wouldn't want to disturb you or anything." - he commented, showing hints of nervousness.
"Try me." - I was slightly scared, not knowing what to expect but also intrigued.
"Okay, don't say I didn't warn ya. So, I had this friend back in elementary school that no one would play with during breaks. He was pretty introverted and preferred staying inside, so I approached him one day even though everyone else called him a freak. It turns out he was a cool guy and we had lots in common. I went to his place a few times, the very one we are currently standing in, and his parents would fight almost every time when his dad would come home. One day he just stopped showing up to class, and I never saw him again. Apparently, his dad returned home super drunk one night and beat the crap out of the mother and pushed her out of the balcony onto the garden below. Needless to say, she died from head trauma and broken bones. He was arrested shortly after the neighbors were alarmed and my friend got sent to his relative's house in another province far away. No one wanted to buy this place afterwards, since some claim her spirit still haunts it at night, and all those who dare trespass." My blood ran cold to the terror-inducing story, questioning why he brought me to this monstrous crime scene.
"Are you kidding me? Why the hell are we here then?!" - but his face turned pale, his body froze in place, staring at something, or someone, behind me.
"Don't. Move."- he whispered slowly, causing me to turn around instinctively and check if the mother's ghost was about to mutilate my body. A pair of hands grabbed me by the shoulders followed by a high-pitched screech, causing me to jump and scream. Leo fell onto the ground, dying from laughter at the stupid prank I just fell for. Oh Gosh.
"Oh ha-ha, very funny. You're an idiot, you know that?" - but he was too busy laughing at me to answer. A few humiliating minutes passed before he finally stopped, trying to go for a hug, but I pushed him away. After a few more attempts, I complied since it was all part of his silly nature after all and it did kind of make me smile internally but I couldn't possibly let him know.
"So, what really happened here?" - I asked while analyzing the area.
"No idea, to be honest. One of my friends showed it to me when we were kids and we turned it into our little secret base. I think someone owns it but they're too lazy to sell it. At the end of the day, it's still a luxurious house. Just...a bit dusty that's all." He pulled out a large Bluetooth speaker from his backpack with shiny lights, like a mini portable disco ball. We spent the next hour talking about his childhood, his unsuccessful search for love (relatable) and how his high school girlfriend moved to another country without telling him, which is how he developed trust issues.
"Random question: how do you know you've moved on from someone? When did you stop having feelings for your ex?" - I asked him, but he was oblivious to the real reason behind it.
"It took me a while actually, much longer than expected. We were madly in love with each other, but then one day she left the country because her family was moving out without saying a word. I guess it depends on the person, how long you've been together, if the breakup was expected or not, there's really no definite answer to it. In my case, it took me a month to realize that she was no longer in Italy and wasn't planning on coming back. I was in complete denial over the situation. Even when she ended things with me over text, I still had this urge to call her and see how she was doing, but I stopped myself every time." - he assembled some dirty Legos from the floor while sharing his devastating experience.
"Then the worst part came, when I started noticing her absence from my daily routines. You know, the cute messages, date nights, sleeping together, her laugh, all these little things that made her so special. After a while though, I woke up tired of feeling like crap every day and I blocked her all over social media, deleted our photos and wanted to meet someone new instead of wasting my days crying over someone who didn't even bother sharing such an important piece of information with me." - his voice was full of resentment.
"So yeah, to answer your question, it's once you're ready to let the memories you've shared together stay in the past, and you start looking for someone new instead of a replacement. Once you do, you'll find out what you've been missing out on in the previous one, and appreciate things you took for granted." Huh, guess this means I haven't moved on whatsoever. Who would've guessed? After some time, he stood up abruptly when a familiar melody started playing, whose lyrics were still carved into my brain. It was the same song the Midnight Blues performed for the first time during their concert in Thess, 'Dream'.
"Oh, I'm obsessed with this song, it's ridiculously underrated! Shall we?" - he offered his hand like a young teenager asking his crush for a dance during prom night. Should I reject his offer and explain what happened, or agree and avoid talking about it?
"This is so cheesy. Fine." He grabbed my hand and started spinning me like a pirouette. I felt extremely uncomfortable dancing to Jamie's voice, preoccupied with the thought of him visiting Rome in a month, but I couldn't reveal our secret. No matter where I went, his name and presence just kept following me like a lost puppy. The song lasted forever and the Irishman's beautiful soothing voice continued echoing through my mind. I closed my eyes and imagined him standing here, just holding me and never letting go. Leo, on the other hand, was feeling particularly energetic and our vibes simply didn't match.
"Should we start heading back? It's getting kind of cold." - I lied, desperately wanting to go home and clear my thoughts. Hints of disappointment covered his face but I had no choice. Why did I have this awful desire to reunite with that heart-stabbing bastard, after the emotional roller-coaster I went through last time? We were clearly not destined to be together, but now it felt impossible not to compare anyone I was remotely interested in to him, who was top of the charts when it came to my personal preferences.
Needless to say, the walk back home proved to be awkward since I was busy having an internal debate with myself instead of conversing with Leo.  Why did Jamie switch to writing at the peak of his music career? Should I go see him during his visit? Why do I even consider it as an option after what he did to me? Was I unable to feel love again, after him? No, it can't be! I won't accept that. You cannot let him ruin your one shot at love just because he decided to mess with your feelings.
"Are you sure everything's okay, Noah? Did I do anything wrong? I know the place wasn't exactly the safest..." - the guilty look on his face pierced through my heart. How could I ruin this night for him? He woke up just for me, tried his best to lighten up the atmosphere and remained the kindest, most protective friend I could possibly ask for. Yet again, I end up being an asshole to anyone who tries to approach me, blinded by my overthinking.
"Thank you for everything Leo, tonight was a blast. Text me when you get home safely, will ya?" - I gave him a warm hug before entering the building, making him blush slightly.
"It was no big deal, really. Text you soon!" - he winked and waved before heading towards his place. Okay, glad I didn't cut what little ties I had left with people who genuinely cared about me and left things on a relatively good note.
As expected, sleep was not an option that night. I needed to solve my issues beforehand or else it would distract me and prevent my normal life from coming back. Minutes and hours passed, just twisting and turning in bed, reflecting on the entire situation. But all answers pointed to the inevitable: I had to see Jamie again. I needed to go there and prove to myself that if I looked at his pure face once more, no feelings would return. Perhaps if we end things on good terms this time I will finally stop imagining alternative scenarios in my head? It was the only way I could truly move on with my life. It has been decided.