Project Heart - Chapter 33: Chapter 33

Dikhou wasn't sure what to expect after coming out to his family because he had never, not even in his wildest dreams, expected to be out. But this. This was good.
Kopili had grinned at him. "I think you've become a little more tolerable now," she said, then added, "Wait, will you want to borrow my clothes or something, now?"
"What? That's not - no. I don't want your clothes."
And Jiri... well, she had hugged Dikhou and cried and apologised and cried. "I was just trying to protect you."
"I know, Jiri-ba." And he really did. Knowing the people in his village, he was glad of her protection.
"You'll still have to be careful though," she added.
Dikhou nodded, trying to not think about Junak.
It was a futile attempt because all he did was think about Junak. Throughout the day. He felt cold lying on the bed alone, felt lonely not spending the day with him near the river, missed his bickering as he sat for lunch. Junak's memories were everywhere, and his absence was like a living entity.
"Are you and Junak fighting?" Baruah koka asked one day when Dikhou went to relieve Jatin of his shift for the evening. Junak had been there in the morning, leaving behind a messy doodle on the notepad kept on the nightstand. Dikhou absently ran his fingers over it.
"Don't be like Junak," Baruah koka said. He recovered from the surgery but it had left him weak. He was wobbly on his limbs and the doctors instructed him to be there for at least a week, but he was okay. He would be okay. "Tell me what's going on."
Dikhou sat on the chair beside the bed. "You asked Junak about it?"
The old man nodded.
"What did he say?" Knowing Junak, he must've smiled and said everything was okay.
"He smiled and said everything's fine, koka, you don't have to worry about it."
Dikhou's chest hurt.
"Will you give me an honest answer, Dikhou?"
Dikhou looked away. "Just a small argument, koka. It's nothing serious."
Grandpa sighed. "He's a good kid, you know?"
"I know."
"Very sensitive." He chuckled. "Gets that from his father. The manners, though, are from his mother. Niyor couldn't be polite if you paid him for it. That's why he needed your father, to keep him grounded."
Dikhou stared at the old man, expecting him to say more but he just looked away at the distance with a sad smile on his lips. Dikhou wondered what he saw, then decided it was better to not know.
He had enough to carry on his own.
It was on the third day since the incident with the villagers that Junak, Niribili and Banhi started filming. On Baruah koka's front lawn. Early in the morning, the three of them hassled around the place, setting up cameras, microphones, tripods, lights and reflectors.
Dikhou sat on the porch of his own house and watched from afar. It seemed like Asha and Pakhi were acting for the camera, dressed in cute frocks.
"What are they doing?" Jiri walked out of the house in a nightdress, with her wet hair wrapped up by a gamocha. She was cradling a cup of tea in her hands.
"Filming," Dikhou said, looking down at the open book on his lap.
Jiri frowned. She pulled a chair beside her brother and sat down without taking her eyes off their neighbour's lawn. "Looks pretty serious. They have so much stuff."
Dikhou did not look up. "Hmm."
"God, don't stop ogling on my account. I know you're not studying."
Dikhou suddenly wondered if it was better when she did not know.
Jiri reached out to ruffle his hair.
Okay, he definitely preferred this Jiri to the older one.
"Tell me about him."
Dikhou's head snapped up. "What?"
Jiri tilted her head, gesturing at the people across the fence. "You said I don't know him and... well, that's true. So tell me about him. About Junak."
Dikhou's heart tripped all over his feelings. His gaze involuntarily went to the young man dressed in a light-coloured cardigan and skinny jeans. He stood behind a tripod stand, peering at the camera attached to it.
Dikhou smiled without quite realising it. "He likes sugar, a lot. You wouldn't want him to make you tea because he just dumps spoonsful of sugar in it. He likes berries and collecting pebbles. He always asks for a chilli during lunch but never eats it. He needs music playing in the background all the time. He's a good singer too, but I don't think he realises it. Oh and he's scared of ghosts. Like, actually scared of them. He's scared of spiders too. Well, he's scared of a lot of things but... he's really brave. And really kind. He makes koka and aita so happy, you wouldn't believe it till you see for yourself."
"Hmm." Jiri's voice was low, matching her brother's. "Aita looks happy."
Across the fence, the old woman was sitting on a chair on the lawn behind the cameras, basking in the sunlight and quietly laughing at something Puhor was saying. "Yes. She's taken up gardening again, you know?"
"Really?"
Dikhou nodded. "She and Junak spend each morning with the plants. You can't even tell she hadn't been out there for years."
"And koka?"
Dikhou chuckled. "He has a smile on his lips all the time. And he talks, Jiri-ba, using actual long sentences."
Jiri's brows were almost touching her hair.
Before Junak's arrival, his grandparents' sadness was laid out bare for all to see. The old man rarely spoke to people and simply sat on the porch for long hours, reading books. His wife would be in the kitchen, or with the cows, or just busy in menial tasks but not really doing anything that made her happy.
When their guests first arrived and Dikhou saw them smiling, he thought they were faking it. But as the days passed, he could feel the life and joy soaking into them. They were happy, for the first time in a long time.
"What about you?"
Dikhou turned to his sister. "What?"
"You seem different too, you know?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean," she took a sip of her tea, dramatically, "my biggest issue with you was how you're such a people pleaser. You always say yes, never say no, never stand up for yourself. But that day, you fought with me."
"I'm sorry."
"No, you're missing my point. I think some of his bravery has rubbed off on you, and honestly? I approve."
Dikhou gaped at her.
She smiled. "And you know, back when I was really angry, I asked Ma why she let you hang out with Junak in the first place."
Dikhou's heart raced. "What did she say?"
"She said - he's happy, Jiri."
Dikhou looked away, a strange surge of unrecognisable emotions rising up his throat.
"Is it true?"
Obviously. Junak made Dikhou so happy, he feared his chest would burst open. Junak made him so happy, he thought there was nothing else he'd ever want or need in his life.
He nodded.
Jiri chuckled. "So now the question is, what are you doing here?"
"What?"
"Why are you here and not there, helping him set up a light or something?"
The old, familiar grief settled over his shoulders. "He's leaving, Jiri-ba."
"So?"
He scowled at her before he could help it. "He's leaving!"
"I heard and my question remains the same." She leaned forward on her knees. "So what, Dikhou? Just because this cup of tea is going to be empty after a while doesn't mean I won't drink it. I'm here at my mother's house with a return ticket in hand; does that mean I shouldn't have come here at all? The job you're preparing for, you're going to retire one day. Does that mean you shouldn't apply?"
Dikhou was breathless. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, everything comes to an end. It doesn't mean we should sit around and cry and whine. Everything comes to an end, so it's up to us to get up and take it before it's too late. Life is about these fleeting moments, Dikhou. Happiness is fleeting. So is every other emotion for that matter. What's important is what we do with the opportunities that show up. Be grateful that they showed up at your door instead of fearing their eventual leave."
Dikhou let her words sink in; it made him lighter and heavier at the same time. He knew she was right. And there was nothing he wanted to do more than to run up to Junak and hold him in his arms but - "It's too late. I've messed it up."
"Dikhou-"
"OI!! DIKHOU-DA!" Lohor came running down their lawn, in an ochre muga shirt and a white dhuti. There was a gamocha wrapped around his temples.
"Whoa, kid, where are you going looking so fancy?" Jiri cooed.
Lohor clicked his tongue in annoyance. "Wait, I don't have time for chit-chat. Dikhou-da, fix my dhuti. And I need your dhool."
"Someone is very busy, huh?" Jiri teased which earned her a glare from the kid.
Dikhou knelt in front of Lohor. "Our Lohor here is going to star in a movie." He chuckled as he worked. The dhuti was carelessly wrapped so he had to untuck everything and start afresh.
"Don't make fun of me." Lohor slapped Dikhou on top of his head.
"Hit me again and I'll make sure your dhuti comes loose in the middle of your shoot."
Lohor scowled but did not dare test Dikhou's threat.
A minute later, Dikhou tucked the dhuti and patted his hips. "There you go."
Lohor kicked the air to test the joints of the dhuti. Once satisfied, he ran inside to get Dikhou's dhool.
Dikhou kept kneeling on the ground, Jiri's words echoing in his head. He watched Junak squint in the sun and drink a glass of water.
"Lohor, wait. I'm coming with you."
The setup created by Junak and his friends was even more impressive from up close. The cameras were sophisticated and there were loads of wires and other gadgets connected to the microphones and lights.
They weren't shooting anything when Dikhou walked down the lawn, Lohor in step next to him. Niribili was talking to Asha and Pakhi who sat on the steps of the porch. Banhi was adjusting a light reflector. Puhor, Megha and Prapti were sitting with Grandma a little away from the shoot. And Junak... Junak was leaning on a tripod as he scrolled through his phone. A camera dangled from his neck.
He was the first one to look up when Dikhou approached.
Dikhou's heart skipped a beat, making him freeze in his steps. There were only a few feet between them but they stretched on likes miles and miles of barren land.
Dikhou watched Junak's Adam's apple bob as he swallowed and crossed his arms over his chest. "W-What are you d-doing here?"
He usually stutters when he's nervous.
"I've come to..." Dikhou absently pointed at Lohor, his eyes not leaving Junak. "Drop him off."
Junak looked at his sides in a clear attempt to not meet Dikhou's eyes. "C-Consider him dropped."
Lohor groaned and stomped his feet as he walked away, towards Niribili.
"Jun." Dikhou wasn't sure if it was his imagination or Junak actually winced. "Can we talk?"
"I have work," Junak replied, too quickly.
"Uh. After you're done?"
"I'll... uh. I - I'll have stuff to edit and... work on the script. I - I w-won't be free. You should leave."
"Jun, please." Dikhou took an involuntary step closer.
Junak took two steps back. "I have work, Dikhou. Please."
The sadness was overwhelming. Dikhou inhaled sharply and nodded. "Okay. I'm sorry I-"
"Dikhou!" It was Niribili. She jogged up to them, beaming like they were friends. Like Dikhou hadn't hurt her best friend. "Hey."
"Hi..."
"He was just leaving," Junak broke in.
"No." Niribili smiled. "Stay. Priti-ba is making tea for everyone. Have a seat with aita and enjoy some behind the scene shenanigans."
Dikhou looked at Junak, who in turn was looking at Niribili. It seemed like he was going to argue and Dikhou braced himself for it. If Junak asked him to leave one more time, he would respect his wishes.
But Junak did not protest. He just wordlessly walked away, towards another camera that stood farther away.
Niribili caught Dikhou's dejected eyes. "Stay," she said again, her voice soft.
So he stayed. And watched.
Junak was different around his equipment - fierce and gentle both at the same time. Though his discomfort at Dikhou's presence was obvious in his stiff steps, he forgot everything else once a shoot began. He relaxed as he smiled into the camera or exchanged non-verbal cues with Niribili and Banhi. It carried Dikhou back to the days, long before all this mess, when it was just him and Junak, chatting about unimportant things.
God, how it hurt.
It was a little past noon when they wrapped up. Priti and Grandma invited everyone in for lunch, while Junak and his friends folded back their equipment. Puhor tried to help but got yelled at by Banhi for doing something wrong so Dikhou did not volunteer. He lingered behind, eyes trailing after Junak.
It took fifteen minutes to wrap everything up, after which everyone started filing inside. Junak tried to hurry into the house but Banhi stopped him with a hand on his shoulder and said something that made him stay rooted to his spot.
Knowing it was now or never, Dikhou slowly walked towards Junak.
"Jun."
Junak turned to leave.
In his desperation, Dikhou blurted, "I told my family."
Junak froze mid-step, and when he looked at Dikhou, his eyes were wide and his mouth was slightly open. Dikhou did his best to not stare at his lips. "W-What?"
Dikhou swallowed and nodded.
"You mean...?" Junak began slowly, as if Dikhou would not understand.
"Yes. I told them that I'm... you know."
Junak just stared at him for a few moments. Then he gasped and covered his mouth with a hand. "Oh my god." There was admiration and awe dripping from his words. "W-Wha - what - what did they...?"
"They're fine with it."
When Junak dropped his hand, his lips were drawn into a smile. For a brief moment, it felt like he might run up to Dikhou and embrace him and tell him how proud he was and how glad he was.
He didn't. He shook away his smile when he realised he was carrying the wrong expression. He instead put on a neutral face - one that had hurt Dikhou innumerable times now - and said, "I'm really glad."
Oh god.
"I..." Dikhou's heart was hammering in his chest. "I couldn't have done it without you. I... thank you."
Junak raised his shoulders in a half-shrug, hesitant and insincere.
Dikhou wondered if the world would explode if he tried crossing the endless space between them. He took the risk.
The world did not explode but Junak's face fell into a pained scowl and he stepped back. "Please, Dikhou. I - I'm glad y-you could come out, b-but..." He seemed so miserable, Dikhou could've given anything to take away his pain. "You shouldn't be with me - near me. Y-You shouldn't be n-near me."
All flickers of hope died down. "What do you mean?"
Junak stepped back though this time Dikhou hadn't moved. His eyes were panicky as he looked at their surroundings, especially the street. "Y-You have to be careful. I - you - please. Y-You can't be seen with - with me."
Dikhou closed the distance between them in six firm steps, coming to a halt half a foot in front of Junak. "I don't care."
"Goddamnit, Dikhou!" Junak shouted. Before Dikhou could stop him, he turned around and stormed into the house.
Dikhou followed.
No one, not even Grandma, said a word as they watched them run up the stairs and into Junak's room.
"What do you want?" Junak cried once they were alone.
Dikhou's heart shattered on seeing Junak like that - there was so much pain in his features, it was like he was drowning.
"I'm sorry," Dikhou whispered. "I'm so sorry." He wasn't sure what he was apologising for - for leaving Junak, for not doing enough to protect him, for being selfish.
"Why are you apologising?" Junak said. "Did you not hear anything I said about not having any feelings for you?"
Dikhou held his gaze. "You were lying."
Junak groaned but it sounded like something between a sob and a scream. "Stop making this so hard!" He caught his temples with both hands. "Please. I - I can't - I don't want you to get hurt. Please."
Dikhou wanted to take Junak in his arms and say no, Jun, you're safe now. We're safe. I promise. I promise.
He did not move. "No one will hurt me, Jun."
"You don't know that," Junak shouted. He looked wild and desperate. "You don't know w-what they can..." He broke off, gasping.
"I'm sorry." That he could do nothing but watch Junak fall apart like this in front of him. "I'm so sorry."
Junak turned his back to Dikhou. "Stop saying that."
Dikhou did not stop. "I am sorry, Jun. I'm sorry I left that night. I was - I was so scared of you leaving me that I - I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry I-"
Junak whipped around to glare at Dikhou through a pool of tears. "What do you want?" he snapped.
Dikhou was panting. "You," he whispered. "I want you."
"Okay." Junak sniffed and wiped his cheeks on his sleeves. "You wanna fuck? We can fuck."
"That's not what I mean," Dikhou hissed, unable to keep his anger at bay. "You know that's not what I mean. I..." When the anger deflated, it left him tired. "It hurts me when you make up these lies and games, Jun. Please. Can we not be the way we were before?"
Junak stared at him with a hard expression. It wasn't the real Junak, Dikhou knew, but that did not make it any less painful when he gritted his teeth and said, "No."