Project Heart - Chapter 40: Chapter 40

Junak's standard response to any emotional trouble was shutting down, his whole body going numb. It was his defence mechanism, in a way, to not feel the pain.
But that night, as he stumbled onto the bed with Dikhou, he felt everything. All the pain, the sorrow, the anger, the helplessness. He felt the excruciating ache in his chest and the ever-present sting of unshed tears in his eyes. He felt the frantic way his body reacted to Dikhou's, to his touches, to his kisses. He felt Dikhou's hands trembling against him, felt the brush of his eyelashes and the goosebumps along his skin.
They kissed slowly and deeply, kisses that said I'll miss you, I'll miss you, I'll miss you over and over again. The kisses whispered the words they could not say to each other: don't go, stay with me. Come, come with me, please.
It was grief and desire and goodbye.
"Jun." Dikhou's mouth was hot against Junak's chest. "Do you still want to have sex with me?"
"Y-Yes. Yes, Dikhou, yes."
It was gentle and slow and heavy and awkward at times, mingled with smiles and tears and sweet moans that they got drunk on. Dikhou was the focal point of Junak's entire universe and everything else faded to grey. Dikhou, who held Junak like he was something precious, someone deserving of love. There was so much tenderness laced with their want, Junak wondered if he could die from the sheer joy of it all.
Tears stained Junak's pillow by the time they were done but he was smiling against Dikhou's lips, breathing in lungsful of air together.
"Are you okay?" Dikhou's voice was hoarse and low.
"Y-Yes. Yes."
Dikhou fell on the bed beside him and collected him in his arms. With euphoria and the following exhaustion came the heavy lull of sleep.
And sleep was the last thing Junak wanted to do. Once they slept, the day would be over and he would wake up to an empty bed.
And leave.
He knotted his fingers in Dikhou's hair. "T-Talk to me."
Dikhou pulled Junak closed to his chest, the mess they'd made clinging to their skin, and whispered, "You... are the best thing that has ever happened to me."
Junak closed his eyes against Dikhou's collarbone. "D-Don't say that."
"But it's true. I... I know it really hurts right now but I'm glad to have had this than nothing at all."
The grief spread from his chest, all the way down to his toes and fingertips. Junak wondered if it would be easier to claw out his heart altogether. "I wish things were easier."
If Dikhou could go with him or if he could stay back.
"Me too, Jun."
Junak pressed a kiss to Dikhou's chest, over his hammering heart. It did not feel enough. Nothing did.
And there was so much he had yet to say to Dikhou, so much yet to give. They had spent most of their time fighting and hurting each other. "Dikhou."
"Hmm?"
"I'll miss you." His voice broke pathetically, just as he felt Dikhou's breath hitch.
"I'll miss you too." Dikhou touched his lips to Junak's hair. "So much."
Why did it have to be so difficult? Why couldn't Dikhou go with him? Why couldn't he just stay?
Fresh tears streamed down Junak's cheeks and pooled over Dikhou's skin. "This is not fair."
"Hush, now, it's okay." Dikhou ran a hand over his back. "Go to sleep."
"I don't want to."
Dikhou chuckled. It was heartbreaking. "It's crazy how endearing you are."
"It's crazy how hot you are," Junak replied, feeling a little high on everything. "Like, even literally. It's like sleeping with a furnace."
Dikhou's laugh caused a ripple of affection to tumble onto Junak as well, but it did not last long. "You would not have liked me in summers then."
Junak shifted to look at Dikhou. His eyes were red though Junak hadn't heard or felt him cry. "I'll like you in every season."
A tear poured down Dikhou's cheek and vanished into the pillow. But he was smiling. "Sleep, deha. I'm tired."
Though it was absolutely selfish of Junak to ask, he still did. "Will you be here in the morning?"
Dikhou nodded without any hesitance.
So they slept, tangled in each other's warmth. And just as Junak was about to fall asleep, in the hazy world between dreams and reality, Dikhou whispered, "I love you."
On the last morning, Junak woke up in Dikhou's arms.
Sunlight poured in through the window, bringing with it the scent of fresh air. Birds chirped outside, fused with the occasional moo of cows and crows of roosters.
Dikhou was wide awake next to him. He smiled when he caught Junak's eyes.
"You stayed."
"Told you I would."
Junak eyed the purple bruises along Dikhou's neck and shoulders. On a different day, the sight of them would've made him giddy. But now, it was all buried under the weight of his despair.
Dikhou traced a finger along Junak's arm. "We need to get up."
"I don't want to." It was another step closer to their inevitable ending.
"We need to clean the bed, Jun. I'd prefer doing it without your grandparents' knowledge."
Junak groaned. "It's why people should build their bathrooms inside their stupid house."
"God, yes. You should take it up to the Panchayat. Mention your reason while you're at it."
"You're not funny."
"Please, I'm hilarious. Remember Old Man Banoi from the bridge?"
Junak laughed through his embarrassment. "Shut up! I'll never forgive you for that."
But it at least got them out of bed with smiling faces. The ache remained, of course, but it was an old, pulsating wound instead of something bleeding them dry.
"You go take a bath," Dikhou said, pulling on his clothes, "I'll fix the bed."
Junak pouted from where he sat cross-legged under the blanket. "I want to help."
"It's not rocket science, deha, I don't need help."
"Joke's on you because if it were rocket science, I wouldn't be offering my help in the first place. The only science I know is that there are three states of matter. Or something like that."
Dikhou feigned shock but he was grinning. "I'm going to pretend you did not say that."
"What? I know my matters." Junak counted on his fingers. "Fire, water and air."
Dikhou gaped at him. "You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?"
"What? Am I wrong or something?"
"You are nowhere close to right." Dikhou fondly shook his head. "But we don't have time to teach you high school level science."
"We have time." Junak pulled the blanket to his chin. "Teach me about states of matter, sensei."
"No." Dikhou, now fully dressed, tore the blanket away from him. "You are going to go take a bath like the good boy you are."
Junak blew his cheeks and squinted.
Dikhou clapped his hands. "Up. Get up. Right now."
Oh how Junak adored that man.
When he returned from the bathroom located a gazillion miles away, the room was deserted. The bed was stripped of its sheets and a neatly folded bedcover was kept atop it with a note that read - since you wanted to help.
Junak first changed into his jeans and a sweater and pulled on Dikhou's jacket over it. He then packed his remaining clothes and the toiletries until he stood facing a completely empty room.
Without really knowing what he was doing, he bent under the table to peer at the broken typewriter. His grandfather had dismissively said it was too old anyway while his father had laughed and patted his shoulder like he was proud to see it broken.
Junak caught the letter D and plucked it out. After a second thought, he removed the letter J as well and dropped the two keys into his pocket.
He then rose to his feet, pulled out a notebook and stuffed the dried flowers inside it. He picked up the pebbles and dumped them at the bottom of his backpack.
Once done, he finally went to the bed and unfurled the fresh sheets. He was halfway through tucking the bedcover when Puhor walked into the room, dressed in a leather jacket and chinos.
"Whoa, what is this I see? Junak making his bed? The sun must've risen from the... west."
Junak flipped him off without sparing him a glance.
Puhor waited for Junak to be done, then plopped down on the bed. Having nothing to do, Junak sat down next to him. The two brothers stared at the wall in front of them.
"I'm going to miss this place," Puhor said softly. "So I can't even imagine what you must be going through right now."
Junak shrugged.
"I'm really proud of you, you know.
Junak looked down at his hands on his lap. His fingers played with the zipper head of Dikhou's jacket. "What for?"
"Everything, I guess. The film, the song. Everything with the villagers... and Dikhou. About Ma and Papa and Koka. It wasn't easy."
It really wasn't. Junak shrugged again and asked, "Why did you stay here?"
"I had nothing else to do."
"No, the real answer, Puhor."
Puhor was silent for a while, long enough that Junak thought he was not going to reply. But then he said, "You're not the only one in the family who feels a little lonely at times."
Overwhelmed by his confession, by the grief and the helplessness, and also the spark of something new and tender forming between them, Junak did not know what to say.
So both brothers just sat there, sharing a comfortable silence, until Dikhou appeared at the door, calling them downstairs for breakfast. Junak wordlessly reached for his hand as they made their way to the dining room.
Priti had prepared Junak's favourite jolpan for breakfast that day and it was as delicious as it had been the first time he tried it. The people at the table tried to avoid talking about the fact that Junak and Puhor were leaving in a few hours, but it all came crashing down when Grandma teared up and spoke of how much she loved both her grandsons and how glad she was of their presence. "The house will be so cold again after you leave."
"No, aita, d-don't say that. You have Jatin a-and Dikhou-" Junak's voice cracked at that, "-and Priti-ba and everyone. And I'll keep video-calling; I've taught Jatin how to set it up."
The old woman nodded but continued to wipe her tears on her sador.
Junak's grandfather quietly thanked him for giving him another chance, for forgiving him and for trying to fix his relationship with his son. "You've made me feel like there's more to me than my mistakes."
"Of course, there is, koka. You're a good man. A-And you've been so good to me. I - I love you, koka. And I'll m-miss you so much."
I will visit again, he wanted to add, knowing it was what all the people in the room wanted to hear but he could not say it.
Not when he himself could not believe those words. When he was gone for two days, he returned to the news of his grandfather having a heart attack. What would happen in the one year it would take him to complete Uni? And even after that, what chance was there of him returning to this small village? He would have to work his ass off on building networks, working on his portfolio, travelling and learning and gaining experience. So much could happen in those years.
As much as wanted to not admit it, this felt like the last goodbye.
Everyone sat around the table long after they finished eating. Until Puhor said, "It's time."
Nobody reacted to it except Junak, who nodded and got to his feet. "I'll go get my bags."
Dikhou, a hand still in his, walked with him.
Once they reached the now-barren room, Junak had to let go of Dikhou's hand to grab his bags. With his back to Dikhou, he said, with all the honesty inside of him, "I don't know if I can do it."
Dikhou hugged him from behind, gentle and warm as always. "You can do it," he whispered.
Junak's throat burned with the advent of the damned tears. All his life, he had yearned for someone to hold him like this, whisper words of encouragement and love and believe in him. But now that he had found someone who looked at him as if he were the moon, they needed to part ways. "It's... n-not fair."
Dikhou's voice was small when he said, "No. It isn't."
Junak breathed out of his mouth to keep the tears at bay. He turned around to face Dikhou, but he could not really look at him, so he caught him by the collar of his shirt and stared at his throat. He wanted to say things like I'll try to be back, wait for me or please, don't forget about me or I will think about you all the time, but he did not want to make this harder. And he did not want to make promises he could not keep. So he said, "P-Promise me you won't do anything stupid."
"When have I ever done anything stupid, deha?"
How was that jerk still cracking jokes? "I'm serious, Dikhou! I - I'm scared the villagers w-will hurt you."
Dikhou caught Junak's face and tilted it up so that Junak had no choice but to stare into his eyes. "I'm not planning on coming out to anyone else, so you don't have to worry, okay? I'll be fine."
His words were soothing, coaxing. And even in the face of it all, he was trying to smile. Junak drank in his features, all the little details of his face, his scent, his warmth, the rough skin of his palms. And the words poured out of his lips seemingly on their own, "I love you too."
Dikhou's expression crumbled but he did not let Junak see it. He kissed him, so deeply, so gently, so honestly, that for a while, it felt neverending. Junak had never kissed anyone like this before. He had never loved anyone like this before.
He thought he was going to break when the kiss ended. He thought he would die when he stepped out of that incredible man's arms.
But then Dikhou pulled away and said, "We're going to be fine," and Junak held on to that like an anchor in a storm.
Everyone gathered for them on the lawn, as was the ritual. Dikhou's family was also there, sans Jiri who was back in Guwahati.
Puhor went around with his goodbyes first, promising to return for Priti's fish curries and Grandma's stories.
When it was Junak's turn, he felt weak and untethered without Dikhou's hand on his. Dikhou had wanted to stay by his side but Junak would not allow it, not outside the house where any of the villagers could see them.
He stumbled towards Jatin and pulled the boy into a bone-crushing hug. "Keep me updated about your girl, okay?"
"Shush, Junak-da," Jatin cried, "koka and aita will hear!"
Junak smiled as he pulled away and held him by the shoulders. "Keep me updated on everything that goes around the village." He winked.
Jatin smiled. "I will."
"I will miss you, kid."
"I will miss you too, Junak-da."
Next was Priti and her two children. Pakhi was there too, standing beside Asha in the hooded scarf that Junak had given to her a long time ago. He knelt to hug the two stars of his film who promised to study hard so they could visit him in America one day.
Priti's son, Aseem, handed him pickle jars his mother had made, just as Priti gave him a large bag containing a wide assortment of pitha.
"You're the best cook in the whole world," Junak said, passing the bags to Puhor.
Priti patted his cheek. "I'll take your word for it."
When Junak came to Lohor, he knelt and pulled out a box of biscuits from his backpack that earned him a loud gasp from the boy. "This is not a gift. This is fees."
Lohor narrowed his eyes in suspicion.
Junak leaned forward to whisper in his ear, "Take care of Dikhou-da for me."
Lohor rolled his eyes and caught the box with both hands. "I would've done it even without your fees, but thanks."
It was awkward with Kopili because they were not really friends and he did not know the local norm around hugging women but she saved him by pulling him into a friendly-one-armed hug. "Have a safe trip."
"Thanks."
"And don't be a stranger."
"I won't."
Junak realised he was still scared of Dikhou's mother when he reached her. "Goodbye, khuri," he said awkwardly and bent down to touch her feet. When he rose, she... was not quite smiling but she also kind of was. It made Junak feel like he had done the impossible. And if that wasn't enough, she cupped his face with a small hand and said, "Take care of yourself."
"You too, khuri."
She patted his cheek and stepped back, which left Junak with the three people he did not want to let go of.
He hugged his grandmother for a long time, trying to soak in all her love. "Take care of koka and Dikhou for me," he whispered.
"I will." When she pulled back, she was smiling. And what a beautiful sight it was. "You don't worry about us. We're just sad to see you go, is all. We'll be fine. And, we'll be watching you on... what's it called? Google?"
Junak smiled through the pain. "Yes, aita."
"Yes. Go and make us proud, okay? I know you will."
Junak's grandfather held him stiffly in his arms.
"Take care of your health, okay?" Junak said. "And don't read too much political news, it's why your blood pressure increases."
"I'll try." The old man chuckled. "You be good."
Junak nodded and finally turned to Dikhou.
It was overwhelming, the emotions swirling around him. What was he supposed to say now, at the end? Goodbye? Take care? Keep in touch?
Nothing felt enough.
As if understanding Junak's inner struggle - in a way, he did understand, did he not? - Dikhou stepped closer to him and wrapped his arms around his waist.
Before Junak's panic could flare to life, Dikhou closed his eyes and kissed him on the forehead.
Junak choked on a sob.
Just as swiftly, Dikhou stepped back, turned around before Junak could register the expression on his face, and walked into the house without a backward glance.
Junak watched him disappear.
He then touched his grandparents' feet, pulled Dikhou's jacket closer to his body and climbed into the car.