Project Heart - Chapter 47: Chapter 47

It was Bihu. Two years ago, on this day, Dikhou had stood on a field, amidst a buffalo fight, scaring a naïve man from the cities about a ghost haunting a bridge on the highway.
Today, Dikhou stood in his room, staring down at a ridiculous hoodie in his hands. It had eyes and ears and a long, pointy horn.
The rest of the room was mostly packed in suitcases. The academic books on his table were still there, so was the broken typewriter he had collected from his neighbour's house. A few of his old clothes were left in the wardrobe but all his other things were tucked away in three bags.
One bag lay open, half full, on the bed in front of him.
He could not yet believe this was happening, despite spending most of the past month in Delhi, attending the training sessions, looking for houses that would be comfortable for his mother and scouring schools for Lohor. He could not yet believe this was happening, despite having the flight scheduled mere two days later. He was leaving, perhaps forever, this house that he loved and the village too that was dear to him in its own ways.
It was a little cruel, if he stopped to think about it, how leaving his home was the only way he could live his life. He wondered sometimes if he would have been content living here if things were different. He would've married someone like Gagori and they would've had a house here, while he worked somewhere in the nearby town.
But it was what it was, and perhaps this was for the better. It was a better job and, though he would miss the clean air and the calm of the village, there was hope now of a fresh start. Maybe he would make friends there, friends like Niribili and Banhi, and he could be as confident as Puhor - minus the violence and man bun, of course. He could go to movies with Lohor whenever they wanted and visit those famous clubs Junak used to tell him about.
He would still miss Junak, of course. This joy felt hollow without him. When Dikhou first went to Delhi, he could not help but imagine what it would've been like if Junak was there, showing him around, taking him to his favourite places. Dikhou missed the way he used to hold his hand, missed his laugh, the twinkle in his eyes and just... everything.
Life felt a little empty without him and the feeling did not seem to dissipate no matter how many days flew by.
Dikhou figured he would just have to live with that.
He touched the hoodie to his lips and closed his eyes, hating how it had long lost Junak's scent. He still took in a deep breath, before putting it inside the bag -
Or at least, he was about to. His mother called him from the other room, an urgency to her voice that made him drop the hoodie on the bed and run outside.
His mother and both his sisters, who had come to help them pack, were standing on the porch, staring at their neighbour's front yard. Frowning, Dikhou followed their line of sight and -
He stumbled back against a pillar.
Two cars stood on Baruak koka's front lawn, from which a bunch of people stepped out - Junak's father in an aviator jacket and dark glasses, Junak's mother in a bright blue mekhela sador, Puhor with his hair cropped close to his scalp, making him look more of a gangster if that was even possible. A woman Dikhou did not recognise was beside Puhor, dressed in a green sari and a scarf fashionably wound around her temples.
And then there was Junak. He looked different, but also... not. His hair was longer than what it was two years ago, but only slightly. The ends were dyed a light shade of pink. Perched on his nose was a pair of spectacles that looked absurdly good on him. He was wearing a loose peach turtleneck tucked into his light-coloured pants with a brown overcoat thrown on top of it.
And there was a beagle beside him who was running around and playfully barking at everyone and everything, especially at the welcome party gathered on the porch.
Dikhou watched Junak smile, then laugh, as he hugged his grandparents and spoke to Jatin and Priti. Some enormous emotion filled Dikhou's chest at the sight; there was joy there, yes, but also sorrow. There was relief mingled with regret. And there was love, so much of it, Dikhou felt weak in its presence.
He leaned against the pillar for support as he watched the newcomers file into Baruah koka's house. Well, all except one.
Puhor was about to walk onto the porch when his gaze landed on the gawking neighbours. He whispered something to the woman beside him and then made his way towards the fence separating the two houses. He was beaming.
"DIKHOU!" he cried, loud and energetic as always. "Khuri. Kopili-ba, Jiri-ba. How are you?"
Dikhou's sisters raised their hands in greetings while his mother smiled and said, "Hello, Puhor. We're good, how have you been?"
"Good, good." He was bouncing on his heels. "You guys should come over, Ma and Papa would love it. And we have so much to catch up on." He smirked at Kopili. "Heard you got married?"
"Not a word," she warned, smiling.
"Please, I want to hear all about - OH MY GOD, JIRI-BA!" Puhor's eyes went wide as saucers, his expression frozen between shock and glee.
Jiri smiled and placed a hand on her bulging tummy. "You're going to be an uncle."
Puhor swore, which was his standard way of expressing emotions. "This is amazing. Congratulations! I'm going be a great uncle and spoil the shit out that little one."
Jiri laughed. "I don't doubt it."
"Whoa." Puhor shook his head, awe clear on his face. "This is amazing. Seriously, guys, come over. We need to chat. And I want you to meet my girlfriend, Faiza."
"Ah so that's the real reason why you're inviting us in," Dikhou's mother teased.
Puhor pouted as a response.
"But of course, you go ahead," Dikhou's mother said. "We'll be there in a while."
This was Puhor's cue to leave but he stayed put. "Dikhou, a word?" He beckoned him closer.
Dikhou licked his lips and stepped off the porch and slowly made his way towards Puhor. Behind him, his mother and sisters walked into the house.
"It's been so long, man!" Puhor stretched out a hand for Dikhou to shake, but then he pulled him into an awkward half-hug over the fence. "Wow. You look like you've seen a ghost."
Dikhou felt light-headed. "That's not funny."
"It's incredibly funny."
Dikhou made a weak attempt at collecting his bearings. "What - uh, what are you doing here?"
"Come to see our grandparents, what else?"
"Right."
Puhor smirked.
It was a little unsettling. "What?"
"Nothing, man. I'm just tempted to give you a spoiler but I won't, of course. Junak would kill me if I did."
Dikhou's heart was beating at twice its acceptable pace. "What?"
Puhor dramatically threw an arm around Dikhou's shoulders and whispered, "Look, I know I shouldn't butt in but Junak told me how you've been ignoring him and oh boy, is he pissed! So I'd brace myself if I were you."
Dikhou suddenly wondered if this was a dream. It certainly would not be the first time his mind had conjured up elaborate scenarios of Junak returning to his life.
"So yeah. That's that." Puhor stepped back and smiled. "I'll see you around," he said and jogged back into the house.
Dikhou put a hand to his chest, in a vain attempt to calm his heart.
He was dazed as he made his way back to his room and sat down on the edge of the bed.
He felt disconnected from reality, too overwhelmed to focus on what was happening. He did not know what was happening and what he was supposed to do - god!
What was he supposed to do? He thought he would never see Junak again in this life. He... what was he supposed to say, now, when they meet? How would he even greet him? Shake his hand? Smile like they were friends?
No. Dikhou was going to stay in this room till Junak left. Yeah.
Yeah.
"Dikhou." Kopili appeared at his door, wearing a kurta. "We're going to Baruah koka's house. You coming?"
"No!"
She frowned. "Junak is here."
"I know. Um. You - uh, you go ahead. I'll... I'll be there... in a few minutes."
That was a lie. He was never going there. He could not meet Junak.
"Okay."
Dikhou held his breath till he heard his family walk out of the front door. The house grew unnervingly silent. Birds chirped outside the window. Cows mooed. People went about living their lives, the earth went around spinning on its axis, uncaring of the storm raging in Dikhou's mind.
Before he knew it, he was pacing the length of his room. It would be incredibly rude towards Junak's family if Dikhou did not greet them at least once. Baruah koka and aita would be offended too. Maybe he could ask Jatin to distract Junak - keep him occupied in the backyard or something - while Dikhou quickly slipped inside, offered his greetings and left, and never go back into that house again.
Well, not never. His flight was in two days, so he only needed to hide for two days. And anyway, maybe Junak was just here for Bihu and would leave tomorrow.
As much as Dikhou dreaded meeting Junak, the idea of him leaving without them exchanging a single word brought immense pain to his heart.
"God!" Dikhou heaved. His hands were shaking as he ran them over his face.
Maybe he should just go back to his packing for now and -
A dog barked, somewhere close to Dikhou. He looked down and nearly jumped on seeing a small black and brown dog standing next to him, looking up at him with big, determined eyes.
It was the same dog that came with Junak.
Shit!
Dikhou turned towards the door to find, of course, Junak standing there, leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed over his chest. His lips were pursed in a clear display of displeasure.
"The front door was open and your mom said I'd find you here."
Oh dear god, that voice. Dikhou hadn't realised just how much he missed it until it rang in his ears, carrying him back to the blissful days that mostly felt like glimpses out of an imagined reality.
This was Junak. He was here. Standing four feet in front of him.
Dikhou stayed frozen, drinking in the sight of him, of those lips he had once kissed, of those hands he had once held. Junak's nails were painted in myriad colours and there was a silver bracelet peeking out from underneath the sleeve of his coat. He seemed to have gained some weight, his arms and chest slightly more prominent. Or did he start working out or something? Did he have a boyfriend or a girlfriend now? Did he giggle in their arms and whisper I love you too with the kind of sincerity that barely existed in the world anymore?
The dog barked into the silence, pulling Dikhou out of his reverie. It got on two legs to climb on Dikhou, wagging its tail.
"Down, Satan, get back here," Junak said. "We're mad at him, remember?"
Right.
The dog - Satan - let out another bark before walking up to Junak. Without taking his eyes away from Dikhou, Junak knelt to pet his dog.
Dikhou just stood and watched.
"So..." Junak scowled. "Avoiding me offline too, huh?"
Dikhou's mouth had gone completely dry and he could not come up with any response.
Junak rose to his feet - Satan found something exciting in the other room and ran away, leaving the two of them alone - and took a single step closer to Dikhou. His eyes briefly darted towards his own unicorn hoodie lying on the bed before meeting Dikhou again. "You're going somewhere."
"Y-Yes - yes." His voice came out hoarse. "I... uh. I got a job. In Delhi."
"Ah. Congratulations."
"Thanks." Dikhou did not know what they were doing. "How... uh, how have you been?"
Junak's scowl deepened. "Good," he said.
"Good." Dikhou nodded. "That's good."
A heavy silence draped over them, blanketing Dikhou's discomfort. He looked away when he could not bear the sight of Junak anymore. Even after all these months, the want was still as fresh as new. He wanted to hold him, touch him, kiss him. He wanted to laugh with him, hear his voice, get lost in his eyes. He wanted to be with him.
And it was too painful, the miles between them.
"Dikhou."
Dikhou's heart skipped a beat. "Jun," he panted without looking up.
"Why did you stop talking to me?"
Dikhou did not answer.
"Goddamnit, Dikhou!" Junak's voice shook as he snapped. "You wouldn't pick up my calls or reply to my texts. Why?"
Dikhou was gasping for air.
"I want to know. Please."
"Because..." Dikhou inhaled sharply. "It hurt too much."
When Junak spoke again, the anger in his voice was replaced by grief. "Did you pause to think that you ghosting me for no reason would hurt me a lot?"
He did, but to him, it felt like a necessary trial. One Junak would get over in a few weeks or months. "I... wanted you to move on."
"Move on?" Junak echoed, challengingly. When Dikhou did not reply, he added, "Have you moved on? Is there... is there a boyfriend, Dikhou?"
Dikhou found that insulting, he wasn't sure why. "Don't be ridiculous!"
"That's not a no."
Dikhou looked up, returning Junak's glare. "It is a no."
Junak took a step towards Dikhou. "No, as in, not moved on? Or no boyfriend?"
He was only an arm's length away now, so close, so beautiful, so... fucking annoying. "What are you doing, Jun?"
Junak cocked his head to the side. There was black eyeliner tracing his eyes, thin enough to go unnoticed from the distance. "Asking a question."
Dikhou gritted his teeth and did not answer.
Junak took two more, painful, steps closer until they stood inches apart. His boots made him as tall as Dikhou. "It's not cool," he whispered, his warm breaths fanning Dikhou's lips. "Do you know how much it hurt when you started ignoring me out of the blue?"
It was difficult to form coherent thoughts like this. Though they were not touching, Dikhou's body was reacting like they were - his blood on fire and heart erratic. "I'm sorry. I... I just wanted you to move on."
"That was for me to decide, wasn't it?"
Dikhou turned his face away and stepped back, stumbling against the edge of the table. He felt completely bewildered and needed space to gather his thoughts.
Which apparently went against Junak's plan because he pushed closer, this time letting his thighs brush against Dikhou's.
"Jun," Dikhou breathed out a warning. He was overpowered by Junak's scent, familiar but also slightly unfamiliar.
"You have no idea how mad I am."
Dikhou had no idea what anything was anymore. "I'm sorry," he said because it was the only response he could come up with. His nerves were a mess of jitters, his blood was pounding in his ears alongside Junak's breaths and all Dikhou could focus on were those goddamned lips mere inches away from his.
Those said lips curled into a catlike grin. "I'll consider forgiving you. If..." He pushed closer, his chest colliding against Dikhou's. "You tell me how much you missed me."
It felt unfair, what Junak was doing. He knew the effect he was having on Dikhou, how completely wrecked Dikhou felt. It was not fair because here he was, pulling at Dikhou's strings and then he would be gone again, leaving Dikhou to grasp at thin air.
Junak raised his hand and trailed a finger along Dikhou's neck, making him shudder. "If you tell me how much you missed me, I'll give you a reward."
These two years without Junak had been painful. Miserable. Hollow. Even when Dikhou was happy, something always felt missing from his life. As cliché as it sounded, Junak seemed to have taken away a piece of his heart.
So fuck it, really. He was already hurting. What harm could more heartbreak do?
He wrapped an arm around Junak's waist and pulled him closer, feeling giddy with the way Junak gasped. With his free hand, he caught Junak's face and kissed him.
For all Junak's confident teasing, he melted immediately, drowning Dikhou in the process.
It was rough and fervent, and they soon lost all restraint. It was I missed you I missed you I missed you in every hungry kiss, in each fiery touch. It was pleasure and desperation, grief and guilt and... happiness.
Junak was panting from where he laid on his back on the bed. "This... wasn't the plan."
Dikhou was equally breathless and equally naked beside him. "You had a plan?"
"Duh." Junak grinned at the ceiling. "I even had a speech rehearsed and everything."
"I can't tell if you're joking."
Junak chuckled as he draped a blanket over themselves and rolled onto his side to face Dikhou. Before he could say anything, Dikhou caught his wrist and brought it before his eyes.
He was wearing a silver bracelet with two typewriter keys. Both the men involuntarily glanced at the broken typewriter on Dikhou's table.
"I was wondering where the keys went."
Junak smiled. "You kept it."
Dikhou shrugged. "Koka asked me to throw it away but that thing's ancient. Manufactured in the 1920s."
"Whoa."
"Yeah."
Junak snuggled closer to Dikhou's chest, who held him the same way he used to all those months back and ran a finger along Junak's arm. The sex might not have been part of Junak's plan but at least Dikhou seemed a lot more relaxed now. "I thought I'd never see you again," he whispered.
Honestly, so did Junak.
"What are you doing here?"
Junak shrugged. "I miss the people."
Dikhou gave him an unsteady smile. "You got your family to come too. Are things better with them, now?"
Junak nodded. "Turned out I just needed to tell them what I wanted."
Dikhou smiled and kissed Junak's temple. "I'm glad."
Junak shifted on his elbows to steal kisses from him, softer now, slower and sweeter. Dikhou still smelled the same and had the same damned effect on Junak. He had missed Dikhou so much, the realisation of it tore at his chest now.
"Jun," Dikhou whispered against his lips, holding his face in both hands.
"Yes, Dikhou?"
Dikhou spent a whole minute just staring at him, after which he finally said, "I missed you. So much."
Junak smiled and pulled him into another kiss. He had spent innumerable hours hating Dikhou for vanishing from his life but it somehow made complete sense. The chances of them ever meeting again, let alone being together, were incredibly slim and Dikhou, being Dikhou, wanted Junak to have what he could not - another shot at love.
The pure love of it swelled Junak's heart. "Dikhou."
"Hmm?"
A sudden excitement, nervousness and joy coursing through his veins made him dizzy. "I have something to tell you."
"What?"
Junak untangled himself from Dikhou's arms and sat up to grab his coat lying on the floor. He rummaged through the pockets until he found what was looking for. Beaming like the happiest man on earth, he pulled out a set of keys and dangled them in front of Dikhou.
Dikhou sat upright next to him, frowning.
Junak could barely sit still with how giddy he felt. "I bought an apartment! Well, Papa bought it but it's mine."
"You - uh... congratulations."
Junak made a face. "No, don't say that. Ask me where it is."
"What?"
"Ask me where the apartment is!"
"Uh... where is the apartment?"
Junak grinned. "Make a guess."
Dikhou groaned, running a hand over his face. "I can't do this, Jun-"
"It's in Delhi."
Dikhou froze, midsentence and mid-gesture. His mouth fell open and his eyes turned wide as he said, "What?"
Finally! Junak had been dying to tell him. He nodded gleefully, waiting for Dikhou to hug him or kiss him.
Dikhou did neither of those and just sat there, unmoving.
Junak found it endearing. "You look like you've seen a ghost."
"Are you pranking me?" Dikhou hissed.
"What? No!" Junak cried. This was not how he was expecting this conversation to go. "Pranks are your thing. I'm serious."
"I don't..." Dikhou put a hand to his forehead. "I don't understand."
"What's there to not understand? I'm moving to India. Delhi, specifically."
"Why?"
Junak shrugged. "Ma's retiring in a few years. And Papa mostly stays in Delhi. And I wanted to stay close to Puhor to make sure he doesn't wipe my name off Papa's will, you know?"
Dikhou was not amused.
Which meant humour was not working. "Geez, why are you being like this? Just be happy or whatever. We'll be in the same city."
Dikhou opened his mouth to speak but ended up inhaling deeply and closing it shut. He then turned his back to Junak. His shoulders were hunched. "You're not really here," he muttered.
And oh how the tables had turned! A part of Junak wished he were pranking Dikhou, you know, for payback. "You're being adorable but I am here."
"No." Dikhou caught his head with both hands. "I... I'm probably dreaming."
Junak chuckled. "You dream about me often?"
"All the time," Dikhou replied without missing a beat, knocking all air out of Junak's lungs and leaving him too stunned to come up with a reply.
The past two years had been difficult for Junak, without Dikhou, but he was still out there in a bigger world, with friends and parties and people who understood him. He realised, now, how much harder it probably was for Dikhou, to be stuck here, in hiding, with mere memories for company.
Junak wrapped his arms around Dikhou's stomach and rested his chin on his shoulder. "This is not a dream, love. I'm here. I promise."
Dikhou did not move.
"Your mother told me about your job," he continued. "I mean, our moms are Facebook friends and she told my mother, who told me. And... I was talking to Niri and Banhi about it when they said something mindblowing like what's the point of being an artist, instead of having a desk job, if you can't live where you want to live? And it made so much sense, you know? I can live wherever I want. And I want to live in Delhi, because of... well, you, but also because of what I just said about Ma, Papa and Puhor. I have loads of friends there too and Niribili's family lives there so she and Banhi be also be visiting now and then."
"But..." Dikhou murmured. "Your work?"
Junak clicked his tongue. "I never wanted to live in America, that was just like a stepping stone or whatever." He tucked his head in the crook of Dikhou's neck. "I don't know if you know because we weren't talking but we did not win the Diamond Jury Award. Which is not too bad because we made loads of contacts in the process. I worked with a few NGOs as well and realised I quite like making documentaries. And there are loads of those that can be made in India, as sad as it is. And Delhi is like, the art capital of the country so I'll find work. Oh also, remember Radha who produced our song? She's mostly based in Delhi and she said she and I could work on a proper album, if I'm interested.'
"Wait... you'll be singing?" Dikhou smiled. It was a tender little thing.
Junak mirrored it. "Maybe. The point is, there are loads of things for me to do. So don't think I'm sacrificing my career or whatever, because... I'm not."
Dikhou shifted to finally face Junak again. He was smiling his classic Dikhou-smile, revealing his dimple. "You're actually serious."
"Yes. Papa already made the down payment on the house so he'll kill me if I wasn't - oof!" Satan, who had been running around the house, burst into the room and jumped on the bed, squeezing between Junak and Dikhou. It was his usual tired-after-playing-cuddle-me-now routine and Junak indulged him.
Dikhou eyed the two fondly. "Why Satan? Not scared of ghosts anymore?"
Satan barked at Dikhou on hearing his name.
"I'm working on it." Junak said. "Satan helps; he's pretty much a cuddle monster." Satan nuzzled his nose to Junak's chin as if in agreement. "And... I don't think it was ever truly about ghosts, you know? I think I was just scared to be alone."
But he knew now, that he wasn't. He had his friends, his family... and Dikhou, if he would still have him.
Satan was tapping a paw against Dikhou's hand and stopped only when Dikhou started petting him alongside Junak. "It's a lot to process."
"I know." With his free hand, Junak touched Dikhou's face, smiling as he pressed a kiss to his palm. "Dikhou."
"Hmm?"
"It is possible that what we had just some winter fling that might not work out in the real world, but... do you... want to... give us another try?"
Dikhou inched closer to Junak - earning a bark from Satan - and wrapped an arm around his waist so that he was leaning to his side. "Will I get to make elephant apple dal on our lunch date?"
It was such an old memory, yet felt like it had happened just yesterday. Sure, things were different now - Junak was different and Dikhou was too, in his own ways - and everything would be new and strange in the real world outside their bubble filled with stars and fireflies, but Junak was going to try. And give it his best. "Yes, love, if you manage to find the ingredients."
Dikhou groaned. "You don't find ingredients even in Delhi?"
"You only get potatoes and pollution in Delhi."
Dikhou laughed his soundless laugh, then pulled Junak into a kiss. "Junak."
"Hmm?"
"Thank you for coming here."
Junak smiled. "Thank you for letting me stay."