Rivals ? - Chapter 18: Chapter 18

Many times, Juice thought back to that night. Actually, every moment he was lying in his bed. Then he could feel Raine's lips all over his body, even on places where they hadn't been. It was pathetic, but sometimes he hugged his blankets, pretending he was holding his friend. Even though weeks were passing by, the memories only seemed to become sharper.
It had indeed been a one-time thing. Somehow, they'd flipped a switch; they'd gone back to being just friends, with a friendly hug to greet or say goodbye at most – and also these had been less intimate than in the past. Whether it was self-protection or whether Raine didn't feel the need for more intimacy, was hard to tell. Raine might have told him that he was in love with him, but Juice still believed something had changed when he'd called himself a whore.
And there was more. Raine wasn't the same since his sister had died. He was exhausted – Juice saw it in his eyes all the time. All day long, he pretended to feel energetic, being positive to his younger sister and the little girl he needed to look after now. But once it was getting late, he looked pale and was moody. He was having a hard time, and Juice didn't know how to help him.
Giving him space had been a solution. They only saw each other two times a week, and they'd stopped texting each other every day. A distance was growing between them, of which Juice didn't know if it was a bad thing. Maybe it was better to demarcate his feelings – but at the same time, he missed the guy. No matter how long they didn't speak to each other, Juice thought about him every moment of the day.
Others started to notice too. Here and there people started to joke about his absent mind; it was Chibs who one day told him to put down his stuff and forced him into a conversation.
The man took him to a food stall on the edge of town. Juice didn't say much. He stared at the table top, nervous. He knew Chibs well enough to know he wouldn't let him leave, until he knew what was going on.
Oh – how much he wanted to tell Chibs the truth. He however, couldn't; he knew exactly what Chibs would tell him: that he couldn't see him again. It was something his head told him all the time – but his heart disagreed. That would break.
"Wha's goin' on with ye, lad?" Chibs started after ordering their lunch. "You're very distracted lately. Did your sister call ye? Is there a family problem?"
"No," he muttered, wishing lunch had been served so he'd have something to focus his attention on.
"Then, what is it? You need to talk about it, kid."
"I talked about it with Mouse."
Chibs shrugged his shoulders. "Guess it didn't work. Women think differently than us. Tell me wha's on yer mind, Juicy."
Juice swallowed. Skittishly, he looked up to Chibs.
The man radiated calmness, yet there was this determined look in his eyes; like the glance of a stern dad demanding an answer.
"It's nothing," he muttered. "It's just... I met someone."
Chibs' lips bent into a smirk; his scars making it look wider than it actually was. "A-ha! So yer in love, hmm?"
Juice's cheeks flushed, his hands felt clammy. Was that enough information?
"And? Are the feelings mutual?"
"Umm... I think they are." He was close to hugging the waitress in gratefulness when she put a glass of water in front of him. Quickly, he sipped from it.
"Well – that's nice, right? Why don't ye take the lass to a clubhouse party soon? Most ladies need a little time to get used to our lifestyle, but I'm sure ye two will work things out."
Juice bit the inside of his cheek. His secret was weighing heavily on his shoulders, pushing him down. He had the feeling he needed to say something about it... And if there was anyone he trusted, it was Chibs.
"It's complicated," he muttered.
"Love's always complicated," Chibs chuckled. He thanked the waitress with a wink and a nod when she brought them their plates. "Why don't ye tell me somethin' about 'er?"
Juice bent his head and stared at the burger that had been served. He picked at the sesame seeds on top of the bread. Just say it. Chibs won't judge you. Tell him at least something.
He didn't dare to look up. Still, he whispered. "It's not a girl."
It was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop. Nervously, Juice chewed the inside of his cheek. He had said it. There was no way back now; he had admitted that he was gay.
"Oh..." Chibs said, a little dazed. "Oooh. Okay. So, it's a boy. That's totally fine too, kid."
He hadn't expected Chibs to despise him because he was into men, nevertheless his response was a true relief. He peeked at the man. Chibs leaned back a little, lifting the right corner of his mouth. "Well – then tell me something about him, lad. I'm way too curious."
"Umm, okay." Juice took another sip of water. What could he tell him? "His name is... Kane. Mouse introduced me to him. A few uhh – a few months ago."
Chibs held his glance. Juice felt a drop of sweat gliding down his neck.
"Is he the friend who called ye a while back? When his sister died?"
"Yeah," he muttered. "Back then we were just friends. Umm well – we're still just friends."
"Hmm." Chibs took a large bite of his burger. "But you two do like each other?"
"We did kiss. In the beginning."
He had no idea why he told him that. What use did that information have for Chibs? How would it help him? "Okay. So was he a bad kisser or wha? Why did ye stop doin' so?"
Juice stared at his burger. He'd lost all of his appetite. He thought back to the times they'd kissed. He remembered how soft his lips were, how dominating his tongue could be. He could feel his fingers stroking his neck, his warm kisses on his skin. Fuck – he missed it. In the meantime, he'd been with a lot of Crow eaters, but he didn't remember any of their touches.
"Juice?" Chibs stressed, clearly determined to create some peace in his thoughts.
He picked up the burger and took a small bite. It felt like there was a whirlpool in his stomach; he felt a little nauseous and yet the jitters weren't unpleasant.
"It's the first time for both of us," he said, hesitating. "That we fell for a man. Nobody knows about us and..." He paused, looking for a reason that wasn't too far from the truth. "Well, you know what the MC world thinks of gay people."
"We are yer brothas, Juice. No one will judge you."
No – perhaps not openly. But in their minds, they would. Hell – he would have judged others if it had been one of his brothers.
"Others will," he muttered. "He – he doesn't want to take the risk. He's afraid people will call him a biker bitch. And I – I don't know if I want this either. People will talk about us. Our charter will be 'the one with the faggot'."
Chibs didn't answer immediately, but took some time to think about the problem. "Ye don't have to go public, yet. Nobody tells you to hold hands or to kiss on the streets. Ye can do so when yer alone, until ye two do feel comfortable enough to show the world?"
"But we can't hide our relationship forever," Juice muttered. "We're afraid it won't make us happy."
"And this does make you happy, kid?"
No.
He suppressed a sigh. This was just a small part of the problem. Something he could move past if he needed to. The real problem, was the fact that Raine was a Mayan – but despite Chibs' well-meaning advice he didn't dare tell him.
"You have been distracted for weeks lad," Chibs said. "Something needs to change. Go for it or let him go; cause this is gonna tear ye up brother. It's all or nothing – that can be said about a lot of situations. Also this one."
Juice bent his head. His stomach hurt.
Maybe Chibs was right. Going for it wasn't an option, so letting go was his only other option.
He, however, wouldn't let go of Raine – he simply couldn't, their friendship was too important for him.
It was his feelings he needed to get rid of.
. . .
"I don't think it's a bad idea, Juicy," Mouse said. He had just summarized the conversation with Chibs. "He is right: this is tearing you up. You haven't smiled since you've been trying to keep your distance."
"But what can I do to get rid of my feelings?"
"Maybe you should start dating. Meet other cool people, divert your attention to other things. It always helps me when I'm trying to distract myself after a broken heart."
"It's not like Sons date a lot," he muttered.
Mouse shrugged her shoulders. "It's not about what Sons do, it's about what you need. Doing fun things is always a good distraction. I know a nice girl, very spontaneous and super sweet. I think you two will get along. You want me to introduce you to her? Or would you rather date a guy?"
"No," he muttered. Somehow going out with a guy felt like cheating. They both slept with girls, but going out with a guy...
But maybe that's why you need to do this, Juice. Up to now, girls have failed to keep your attention.
"Okay, maybe I should date a guy," he said quietly.
For some reason, he felt ashamed. Now he really started to feel like a homosexual.
"But I don't want... people to know. That I'm a Son."
"Then you don't tell him. You can always open up to him after a few dates. My friend's brother is gay; he's very handsome and manly. I think you'd like him, and he's in a metal band. Looks very tough." She winked.
"I don't know, Mouse..." The thought alone made him feel nervous.
"Next Saturday, there's a small festival close by, at night. Just go there together. It will be casual and if you don't feel a click, you can simply go home."
"I dunno..."
"Do you trust me, Juice?"
"Yeah," he said without thinking.
"Then believe me, when I tell you that you need this."
He bit his lip. "Okay," he whispered.
. .
Juice was nervous all day.
A blind date. He'd never expected he'd do something like that. But it was really what he'd planned for tonight: at 8 PM, he would meet the guy in front of the Burger King. Mouse would be at the festival too, which gave him a little peace. If it didn't lead anywhere, he could hang out with her.
He had decided to tell Raine about the date, simply because he would have wanted it too if it was about Raine. It made his nervousness worse. He didn't think his friend would mind, and yet that was what hurt the most.
They greeted each other with their usual hug. For some reason, his heart beat raced up even more than it usually did, and he quickly let go of his friend. Raine studied his face, as if he sensed that something was off.
"You're nervous," Raine concluded.
Juice didn't know where to look. Suddenly this felt like the stupidest idea ever. He wiped his clammy hands on his pants and murmured he was okay. He headed to the living room, where Sasha was sitting on the couch, watching TV.
"Juice!" she exclaimed the moment she saw him. Jumping up, she ran towards him. He scooped her up, putting her on his hip while she wrapped her tiny arms around him.
"Hey girl. What are you watchin'?"
"Winnie the Pooh! Wanna watch with me?"
"Maybe later, okay? I need to talk to your uncle first."
She nodded, eyes wide; then her glance wandered to the TV, as if she didn't want to miss too much of it. He put her back on the couch and looked at Raine, who was standing in the doorway. With his head, he nodded to the kitchen.
There, he took two beers from the fridge, handing one to Juice.
"So... What's going on?" he asked after popping off the cap of the bottle and passing the bottle opener.
Juice opened the bottle and took a swig to make his throat feel less dry. He took a deep breath. "I uh... I wanted to tell you that I uh... I got a date tonight."
Raine lifted the corner of his mouth. "Well, well. You met some nice girl?"
"No umm – it's a date with a guy. Actually, Mouse set us up. I dunno – I just wanted to tell you and be honest about it."
"Honesty is good, Juice."
"You don't – you don't mind?"
He shook his head. "Nah. You can't stay single for the rest of your life because of me." His smile looked a bit sad.
Juice swallowed. But I don't want him. I want you. Luckily, he managed to keep these words to himself.
"Okay," he answered quietly. The heavy feeling in his chest didn't go away. It felt like his heart had turned to stone.
"You have to leave already?"
Juice shook his head. "Within two hours."
"So you can stay for dinner?"
"Yeah – I'd like that."
. . .
There were no hard feelings. Raine even tried to make him feel comfortable about tonight, and now and then he teased him with comments making even Juice laugh. He was disappointed when it was time to leave. He wasn't looking forward to the date at all; he'd rather stay with Raine.
"Well – I do want a detailed report," Raine said with a smirk when he walked him to the door. "And you gotta tell me if he's a better kisser than me."
"I will run an analysis," Juice joked, although he still felt sad.
They hugged each other – and Juice closed his eyes for a moment. Oh, how he wished he could stay here...
Nevertheless, he pulled back and glanced at Raine. His friend was a little too late with putting his mask on again, for the vulnerable look in his eyes shocked Juice.
As if Raine felt caught, he quickly showed a smile. "Have fun tonight."
Juice swallowed; then he nodded and opened the door.
Before he could leave, Raine blocked the door shut. Confused, Juice turned around.
Before he realized what was happening, Raine pushed him against the door and pressed his lips against Juice's. Juice didn't hesitate for a moment; he kissed him back, feeling countless jolts racing through his body.
Raine panted a little as he pulled back his face, resting his forehead against Juice's; his hands clutched around the collar of his leather jacket.
"I'm sorry. I can't do this. I don't want you to date another man."
Confused, Juice looked at him. "But you were okay with it, you..."
"I lied. I'm fucking jealous. I want you Juice," he said, determined. "I want you all to myself."
It felt like he was tingling from top to toe, his breathing labored. "W-what?"
"Fuck our clubs, we'll figure something out. I wanna be yours and I want you to be mine. And mine alone." The grasp around Juice's kutte weakened. "I want you. I need you. Not as a regular friend, as my boyfriend. As my lover." His beautiful brown eyes held his glance. "Is that still something you want?"
Juice didn't even need to give it a thought. "Yeah. Fuck – you have no idea how desperately I want you. How much I want this."
"I think I got a –"
Juice didn't let him finish, as he crashed his lips against Raine's.
Lips he'd missed for such a long time, of which he was only allowed to fantasize.
This time however, it was no fantasy. This was real.
And it wasn't going to be a one-time thing.