Rivals ? - Chapter 19: Chapter 19

Usually Raine's actions were based on reason instead of emotions. The decision he had made a few minutes ago however, was clearly an exception and it took only a few seconds before he regretted it.
"Maybe you should have that date," he suggested after ending the kiss. The vulnerable look in Juice's eyes made his stomach cramp up. "It feels wrong to destroy your chance on a less complicated relationship. Skye knows you; if she set you two up, I'm sure you're a match. You should at least meet him."
"No," Juice answered. "You're the one that I want." Confidently, his hands slipped underneath Raine's shirt.
He closed his eyes. Fuck – how was it possible that his touch called up so many intense feelings? His breathing faltered when Juice's lips wandered across his neck, sucking his skin as if he was trying to leave his mark on him.
"The only reason I wanted to date was because I couldn't stop thinking about you," he whispered. Underneath his shirt, Juice's hands were climbing up, his thumbs tracing rib by rib. "I keep thinking about your lips. About how you felt in my hand, how your fingers felt around me. How hot it was to look into your eyes when we came." Juice looked him in the eye again. His hands slid down, settling on his hips. "Our bond is something I've never experienced before. I'm counting down the hours until I can see you again. I crave for your touches, for your voice, your smile." Being silent for a while, he simply stared into Raine's eyes. "I believe in us," he continued. "We've never talked about our clubs. We've known each other for six months and we've never been in a fight. My feelings don't go away; they become stronger and stronger each day. I'm in love with you, Raine. I'm so fucking in love with you, that I feel like a fucking teenager. Going out with a random guy isn't going to change anything about that. I don't want to be touched by anyone but you. I don't want to taste anyone else's lips..."
"Oh, Juice..." Raine dipped his head, his forehead resting against that of his friend. What he felt for this guy went beyond all understanding. He wanted him so badly. And still, he was terrified that things weren't going to end well. What if their clubs really ended up in a gang war? Within the walls of their homes and in the warmth of each other's arms they felt safe; they were living some kind of dream in which their clubs didn't exist.
But their clubs did exist and were demanding their loyalty.
Could he deal with that? They could keep their club secrets to themselves, he no longer doubted that. But he was dreading the moment that someone would find out about their relationship, and the thought of what they might do to Juice kept him awake at night. What would he do, once he was forced to choose between his club and his lover?
"I'm scared," he said honestly. He looked up to the man. "I know I told you we would figure it out. I really want to believe we will, but the truth is that I'm fucking scared."
Juice's lips touched his lips so softly his legs were trembling.
"A few days ago Chibs took me to a diner," he said. "Telling me I was too distracted lately. Then I told him I met someone and fell in love. A guy. And that we don't dare to get into a relationship because we're afraid the secrecy will make us unhappy." He cupped Raine's jaw. "You know what he asked me? Whether our current situation was making me happy. The answer is no. Then he told me something had to change; that I should fight for it or let it go because it was going to tear me up otherwise."
His forehead still rested against Raine's. For a while, they stared into each other's eyes in silence, asking themselves what they wanted. A couple minutes ago they had made a decision based on their feelings, but they both knew they needed more.
"I don't want to give up on you," Juice said quietly. "I know I will regret it for the rest of my life. I want to give it a shot. You and me. We're hiding our friendship anyway and I think we're doing well. There isn't much that will change. The feelings are already there, just as our longings." A slight blush appeared on Juice's cheeks. "And we act on it too, sometimes."
Raine had always imagined that he would be the one reassuring Juice; that he had to convince his friend that they could have a future, even if it meant living in the shadows. And now, he himself was the one who was clinging to doubts.
He thought back to the promise he made his sister. Taking this step was risky – although their whole lives were risky. Not all people grew old; his mom and sister had proven that. He thought about all the chances Rosa had missed out on; the love in which she'd been disappointed.
It almost felt like betrayal to not seize the opportunity once it was offered to him.
"Okay." His arms slipped around Juice and he pulled the man close. "Let's do this."
The moment the words left his mouth, an intense heat washed over him. He took Juice's face between his hands and looked him in the eye. His eyes were sparkling, his smile so beautiful it made him swallow.
He couldn't help but kiss those lips. A glorified sigh escaped his lips when their tongues met, as they were tasting each other. His hand glided to the back of Juice's head, stroking the edges of his Mohawk. It was a wonderful kiss, without the fear that it would be their last; it was a promise of much, much more.
It felt great. It felt amazing; so amazing, he felt a little awkward when he returned his glance to Juice. They showed each other a shy smile, both feeling a new kind of happiness that connected them.
Juice wasn't the only one who felt like a love-struck teenager.
"I like you so much," he said quietly, pressing his lips against those of his friend again. "I never felt his way about anyone."
"Neither have I."
It was liberating to no longer fight the butterflies in his stomach. As long as they were alone, they didn't have to think about boundaries.
As long as they were alone.
He sighed softly. "I think it's better if Sasha doesn't know about us. I don't want her to tell someone that she saw me kissing a guy; I'm sure Esai ain't gonna leave me alone before he's figured out who my lover is."
Juice had already introduced himself as Juan to her, just to make sure she wouldn't mention him to anyone, but they couldn't be too careful.
He didn't like it, not for a bit; especially in his own house he wished to feel free. Fortunately, she was very young and went to bed early in the evening. What it would mean for the future, was hard to estimate. Although he planned to tell his brothers about his feelings for Juice one day.
Juice nodded slowly, yet his shoulders were slumped. Raine knew all too well how he was feeling. He also wished things had been different. But especially now they'd chosen to be together, they had to make wise decisions and be careful.
"I'm going to put her in bed," he said. "Then we no longer have to worry about her."
He leaned into Juice to kiss him one more time, then he turned around and headed for the living room.
. . .
As Raine put his niece in bed, Juice called Mouse, for he lacked the number of his date. He felt sorry for the man, but he didn't want to feel obliged to hang out with him all night long.
"Hey Juice!" Her voice sounded elated, and shrill. In the background, he heard music; apparently she was already at the festival.
"Hey! Uhm – I umm, I want to cancel the date."
"Ah come on, Juice! Don't back down now..."
"It's not what you think," he said quickly. "He – we... We want to be more than friends. He didn't want me to date someone else. So he uhm... he's my boyfriend now."
"No fucking way!" Her voice changed immediately. "Oh that's amazing baby! I'm so happy for you!!"
"Yeah." He smiled. "I'm really happy, too. Although we still have to figure out the best way to hide. It won't be easy, but I'm so relieved that we're taking this step."
"Me too, baby. You two belong together, you are such an amazing couple. I really hope your clubs will become allies one day, so you two won't have to hide anymore. You both deserve it."
Juice's heart started to beat faster at that thought. There were other clubs they considered as their allies. Oh, if that would really happen one day... He could do nothing but pray for it, but it would change everything for them.
"Well... I guess I'm going to disappoint your date, now. Maybe I can get him another date last-minute. See you tomorrow, sweetie. Give Raine a kiss from me."
He laughed quietly, said goodbye and hung up.
Right when he had put away his device, he heard footsteps on the stairs. Raine descended it and flopped down next to him.
"What should we do tonight? I can give Emma a call to see if she can babysit tonight? Then we can go to that festival. I like bands and shit like that."
Juice hesitated. He liked the idea of going out, but he didn't know how to behave around others. If Raine had been a girl, he would have walked hand in hand with her, but he wasn't sure it was something he wanted to do now. He found it even harder to figure out if it was something that Raine wanted. People would look at them, whisper about them.
"We can watch a movie, too," Raine said. "If you're not in the mood to leave the house."
"I would like to go there." He searched for a way to translate his doubts to words. "But I don't know how to act around you. In public."
"Where is it? You expect any Sons or Mayans?"
He shook his head. "No, I don't. But, still... I uhm – I'm not sure if I like to uh, well, you know... be clingy with others around." He bit the inside of his cheek. "I'm not sure I'm ready to come out of the closet."
Raine chuckled softly. "You're not the only one. It's not that I feel ashamed of my feelings for you, but I don't want to attract too much attention."
Juice nodded in relief. He couldn't agree more.
"I'm sure we'll figure out what we like or not. That we're exclusive now, doesn't mean we have to do what all couples do." Raine held his glance. "And I want you to understand this very well, Juice. Being together now doesn't mean that I expect certain things from you. I know there are things you aren't ready for, especially sexually, and that's okay. We'll get there one day."
Juice swallowed, feeling his cheeks flush. "You uh – you're already ready for that?" he asked nervously.
Raine chuckled softly, kissing his cheek. The gesture made his cheeks feel even hotter. "I'm ready whenever you're ready." He gave him a wink, then he got up. "Lemme give Emma a call."
. . .
They were wearing long sleeves to hide their club tattoos and went to the festival by car. It was strange to leave the bikes behind, but at the same time it helped to create some distance from the club life.
In the middle of the town was a park with a stage. Juice and Raine got themselves a beer and joined the crowd.
"You ever played an instrument?" Raine asked.
Juice took a sip from his beer and shook his head. "Did you?"
He laughed. "I played a clarinet for a year when I was 14."
"What? Clarinet?" Juice asked in disbelief.
"Yeah. I lost a bet with Esai."
Juice started to laugh. "Seriously?"
"Yeah," Raine chuckled. "There was this new chick in school. We started a bet on who would be the first to get into her pants, but she turned down the both of us."
"So Esai had to play clarinet too?"
"The flute."
Juice imagined the Mayan with a flute and started to laugh even harder. "Awesome." He looked aside. He always had his set group of friends, but he'd never been really close with someone. "You find it hard?" He asked. "To keep the truth about me from Esai?"
"Yeah," Raine sighed. "I considered to tell him. I used to tell him everything. But he will feel obliged to take it to the table and I know he's right."
"And if you tell him just a little bit? That you're dating a guy?"
"He's going to spy upon me until he's seen you, I'm sure of it. That guy is way too curious. What about Chibs? Are you close?"
"Yeah," he said. "But he's 15 years older than me. He used to be my sponsor, so we're close at a different level. If I tell him I want to keep my boyfriend out of the club life, he won't insist."
"Chill. In this matter, Esai really is a pain in the ass." He smirked. "You wanna get a little closer to the stage? The atmosphere is always better in the centre."
Juice agreed. Raine went first, pushing himself a way through the crowd; Juice followed him until they were 30 feet away from the stage. It was some heavy rock music; he liked it. For a while, Juice simply enjoyed the music while his head was nodding to the beat. After a few songs, he realized there was a girl talking to Raine. The way she looked at him told him she was obviously flirting; she moved her face close to his when speaking to him and her laughter really was over the top.
He wasn't jealous, but he could see the humor in wrapping an arm around his boyfriend now. With his eyes aimed at the band, he lifted his arm and laid it around Raine's waist. From the corner of his eye, he saw how Raine turned his head to the side in surprise. Juice bit back a grin, pretending he didn't see it.
"Someone's gettin' a little jealous here?" Raine whispered in his ear.
Juice looked past him. The girl was staring at him, seemingly in shock and obviously hoping Raine would push him away. Instead, Juice winked at her, then he whispered to his friend: "Why? You're trying to make me jealous?"
Raine lifted the corner of his mouth. "Maybe I am. To see if I can lure you out of that closet."
Juice's hand cupped Raine's hip and he shoved him to the side, so the man was standing in front of him. He wrapped his arms around his waist like he would have done if Raine had been his girlfriend, and pulled the man's back against his chest. He liked it more than he thought he would. Right now, he could care less if there were people staring at them; they probably wouldn't go back to this place anyway.
Raine looked over his shoulder, smirking at him. "You keep surprising me, Ortiz."
He kissed Raine's jaw. "It's because of you. You make me feel freer than I've ever been."
He leaned against his boyfriend and closed his eyes, cementing this moment to his memory.
Right now, he felt surprisingly calm.
Like the calm before the storm.