Rivals ? - Chapter 41: Chapter 41

The sunlight peeking through the window was just as ruthless as a hammer slamming his head. Groaning, he closed his eyes again. He must have been wasted last night. He remembered playing basketball with Esai, but there weren't a lot of other memories.
Behind him, he heard someone else's breathing. Immediately, his headache felt duller, and he smiled. As it seemed, he had gone to Juice last night. Or had Esai passed out in his room? He smelled perfume — and since the number of girls that were always drooling over Esai, it wasn't that far-fetched.
Soft lips touched his shoulder.
Raine froze. That, however, was something Esai would never do.
Suddenly, he realized that he was naked.
"Juice?" he asked in confusion.
There was a pit in his stomach. With a jolt, he rolled on his other side.
Playful, blue eyes stared back at him. "Good morning, sweetie."
Raine shot upright and crawled away from her, in such a hurry he almost fell out of bed. With wide eyes, he stared at the woman next to him. She was naked.
"What the fuck are you doin' here?"
She might as well have stabbed a dagger in his chest. Breathing became harder and a sudden pain spread through his body. Had he... Had he slept with her? No — he couldn't, right? He loved Juice. Ever since he met him, there had been no one else on his mind. Had he — had he really...?
A naughty expression crossed her face. "You want me to refresh your memory?" She leaned towards him, her hand gliding under the duvet until she found his thigh. At first, he was so shocked he didn't even feel her hand until she caressed his balls. Immediately, he kicked her away from him.
"Keep your hands off me."
She pouted. "You were nicer when you were drunk. I hadn't had such great sex in a long time. And neither did you — you told me. You said you had to be fucked in the head for believing that a man's body was better than this..." Her hands glided across her upper body.
Raine turned his face away. Shame ripped him to pieces. Had he really said that?
The bed creaked. "Do you feel regret? You did ramble about your boyfriend, but you forgot about him once we were on a roll. You said he'd get it. Some people are just not made to live monogamously. That's okay, Raine. All your brothers would agree."
Raine clenched his fists. He didn't want to hear it. Her words were like poison, and the thought that he had condoned his cheating made him feel sick. "Go away," he whispered.
"But..."
"Go away!!"
She breathed in sharply. "You don't have to yell at me. I did nothing you didn't want me to. You just needed a hot night."
Raine jolted forward and grabbed her upper arm. "Get the fuck outta here," he grumbled. "Before I break your neck."
His words made her flinch and she stepped out of bed.
Raine turned his gaze away from her naked body.
As the door closed, a tear slipped down his cheek. His breathing was heavy and painful; it felt like something was stuck in his throat.
He had cheated on Juice. He had cheated on his boyfriend, and he didn't understand how it could have happened. Briefly, he wiped his eyes. Panic threw itself upon him, jamming its claws in his brain.
Had he lost Juice now?
The thought that he had to tell this to his boyfriend terrified him. He didn't want to lose him. More than anything, he wanted to pretend this had never happened, but he couldn't. Juice deserved better.
The room spun around him as he got up. In the mirror next to the wardrobe, he caught a glimpse of his naked body. It disgusted him. Wobbly, he headed to the bathroom, turned on the warm water, and stepped underneath it while burning his skin.
He remembered carefully cleaning Juice's bruised body. The blush on his cheeks, when Raine told him that a husband should at least be a little sweet. His gullet contracted; a moment later, he puked. Leaning against the shower enclosure, he closed his eyes.
It was true. He had wanted to marry Juice.
So how the hell could he have done this?
Furiously he scrubbed his body, erasing the traces of that girl from his body. However, the horrible guilt didn't go away. It drilled a hole in his chest that kept growing and growing.
Raine took a few deep breaths. He didn't want to give in to his sadness. He had caused this. He had cheated on his man. He had no right to weep over it. Furiously, he slammed open the shower door and dried off. He didn't know what to do with himself; he couldn't even look in the mirror without wanting to puke.
Never before, he had been disgusted with himself. Now, he couldn't even bear his own reflection.
After putting on his clothes, he left his room. His room in which his boyfriend had been lying a few days ago, more dead than alive. The thought that Juice had almost died for their love while Raine had flushed it through the drain crushed his heart.
Slamming the door behind him, he entered the clubhouse. He didn't plan to eat; he was sure he would throw up anyway. He just wanted to leave this cursed place forever. If they hadn't made such a fuss about his feelings for Juice, he might never have been drunk last night.
Which feelings, Raine? You cheated on him. What sick son of a bitch does such a thing?
His shoulders tensed as he saw Esai standing at the bar, a knowing grin on his face. Something snapped — Raine rushed over to his friend and grabbed his throat. "Did you get me drunk?"
With a punch in the gut, the guy made him step back.
"We just had a good night, just like we used to. Yeah — we drank a bit. But it's not my fault that you and Destiny couldn't keep your hands off each other."
"You knew I had a boyfriend."
Esai shrugged. "And you knew I don't exactly adore him. Come on, dude — you slipped up. So what? I'm sure lover boy fucks a club slut now and then too."
Raine clenched his fist. There was no point in a discussion. Esai didn't know Juice, and he wasn't going to show pity.
Without even giving him a second glance, he stormed out of the building.
He didn't know where to go. He couldn't think of anyone who'd want to listen to his bullshit. Nobody who really cared about him would approve of what he'd done. Everyone would hate him for cheating on a sweet guy like Juice. The man who had been his tower of strength since he lost Rosa.
. . .
He had no idea how long he wandered through Oakland, but he sat huddled at his sister's grave at some point. Leaning against the headstone, he stared at the ground. He thought of how Juice had been there for him after the funeral. Nobody else could have offered him the peace Juice had given him.
And what did he give him in return?
A broken heart.
He betrayed his trust. He was unfaithful.
A tear rolled down his cheek, quickly followed by another one. He didn't want to allow himself to cry, but he couldn't stop it. It didn't take long before his shoulders were shaking, and he pulled his legs to his chest.
"How could I, Rosa?" he whispered. "What's wrong with me? I — I don't get it. I love him — and now I'm hurting him in the worst way possible. Will he ever forgive me?"
Did he want Juice to forgive him? He didn't want to be the kind of man stringing his partner along. Who promised to be better without actually doing it. What convinced him he wouldn't do it a second time? There would be another night in which he would get wasted, especially as long as he was tied to the club. And then? Would he dive into bed with a random girl again? What did it say about him, about their relationship, when a part of him had wanted this?
He pressed his face against his knees, but the sobs kept leaving his lips. He didn't know who he was anymore. He was sure he'd loved none of his exes like he loved Juice — and yet, he'd never cheated on them.
"I don't wanna lose him," he whispered. "After Mom, after you... I can't lose him, Rose. I need him so badly."
You should have thought about that before you took someone else to bed.
He flinched.
He felt terribly alone and it was his own fault.