Rivals ? - Chapter 46: Chapter 46

His brain failed to process the information. Raine never cheated on him but Juice couldn't tell him? He was betrayed by his best friend and Juice had to keep it to himself? He wasn't sure he could.
Even now Raine hadn't cheated, their relationship had been damaged. It hurt to know that Raine hadn't fought for him. He had dropped his confession and left. Not once, he'd asked how Juice was feeling; he'd simply faced his loss and moved on while Juice's life had been on standby. He wished Raine would have begged for forgiveness; that he would have done everything in his power to convince Juice that it had been a one-time mistake and that he would never do it again. Or should it have come from him? Should he have pretended it had never happened? He couldn't do that. He felt cast aside, convinced that their relationship had been a giant joke. He was deeply hurt and also now, he felt a wave of anger come over him. The fact that it had been a set-up, didn't change anything about it.
He glanced at the grey eyes that stared expectantly at him; there was a nervousness in them calming Juice down a bit. Phantom was doing this for him. He barely knew the guy and yet, he was putting his own patch at stake for doing the right thing.
"I don't know how to keep it from him," Juice said, "but I'll figure something out. And if it slips out anyway, we'll make sure Esai doesn't know."
The hesitation didn't leave Phantom's eyes, but he nodded. "That's all I can ask, I guess. I get it, your emotions are running high. But it would be nice if you could keep in mind that I might lose everything when Esai finds out I ratted him out. To a Son, of all people."
Juice understood. What Phantom had done, meant a lot to him since they weren't even friends. Something he would actually like, he realized. They got along pretty well when they were tracking down Raine's father and this conversation proved that the Mayan had felt that too.
"You want to exchange numbers?" Juice suggested a bit awkwardly. Immediately after these words, his heart pounded in his chest. This was stupid, right? "I mean — imagine Esai will ever find out, or that you will get in trouble for other reasons... Then I might be able to help you. So you have someone besides your brothers, ya know?"
Phantom took a sip from his beer. Was he imagining things or were the guy's cheeks slightly flushing? When the Mayan looked up, Juice didn't know where to look. It was a stupid suggestion. They couldn't be friends. Hadn't he learned anything from his relationship with Raine?
And yet — without Phantom, he never would have known that Raine stayed faithful to him.
Or at least that fateful day. The thought that he might have slept around since they broke up, bruised his heart. He himself hadn't been able to touch anyone.
"That's nice of you, man." For a moment Phantom seemed to hesitate, then he shared his number and asked for Juice's.
There was a strange tension between them. Was it because Juice knew that the prospect was into guys too? That something might happen between them if things weren't going to end well with Raine and him? His stomach dropped at the thought.
He didn't want to think like that.
He loved Raine. Replacing him with a guy who shared similarities with him wasn't fair to Phantom, nor to himself, and certainly not to Raine. The latter had already been played by his best friend. That Raine had given up on them so soon hurt, but if he was honest with himself he doubted he would have done things differently if he had been in his shoes. He would have felt too ashamed to ask for another chance, convinced that he didn't deserve it anyway.
Juice shoved back his chair. "Thanks. For your honesty. You're a great guy."
Phantom showed him a weak smile. "I'm tryin' to be."
The two said their goodbyes and left the bar. At the side of the road, Mouse was still waiting in her car. The weight on his shoulders felt much lighter when he sat down on the passenger seat. He didn't have Raine back yet, but at least he hadn't cheated on him. Now, he needed to find a way to talk to him. Of course, he could go to his house, but he preferred a less confronting approach in an environment that was less loaded and where Raine's aggression wouldn't take the upper hand immediately.
. . .
Raine closed the car door. The last place he wanted to be was the carnival. Yet, that was exactly where he was standing. His bruised fingers felt stiff as he opened the boot lid and took out the pushchair. Sasha climbed in it and he fastened the belts. Sammy fidgeted with the hem of the cardigan she was wearing. She was nervous. He made her nervous. In shame he turned his face away, looking at the crowd strolling towards the attractions. This was the last place where he wanted to be.
Sammy had a breakdown yesterday; she had cried for over an hour, telling him so couldn't take it anymore and that he had to change his behavior. Of course she was right, he knew that all too well. For too long he'd told himself he couldn't do anything about it, that his tantrums were uncontrollable. But it was a weak excuse. He thought about Rosa, who had fought so hard to stay with her family. She had lost her war. And what did he do? He neglected the people she had trusted to his care. He was hiding from his responsibilities. Two days ago he had even gone to an illegal boxing match in the hope that his aggression would at least bring in some money, and that the people he cared about wouldn't be affected. It had eased the pressure in his head, but it wasn't a real solution.
Between her sobs, Sammy had given him an ultimatum. He was going to spend more time with them, or she would leave, taking Sasha with her. Then, she would find her niece a safer place.
He had been awake the whole night, the shame burning inside him like a fire.
He didn't want them to leave.
And so, he'd assured her that he wanted to make things right, promising her he would go with her, wherever she would take him.
It turned out to be a carnival. The place where one had to walk around with a fake smile all day long. Sasha however clapped her hands eagerly; at least someone liked it here. Raine rode the pushchair towards the brightly lettered entrance. The cacophony of noises got him down immediately and he felt a dull headache rise.
From the corner of his eyes, he looked to the side. This time, it was the colored bracelets Sammy was fidgeting with. He thought of all the times he had calmed her down during a panic attack. He never would have expected her to feel uncomfortable around him. He remembered always having a Rubik's Cube around, but since Juice and he broke up, he had tossed the thing in the trash can. He had wanted to get rid of everything that reminded him of the man, but the most precious things were in his head. Memories that always came back, no matter how hard he pushed them away.
They entered the playgrounds. Sasha sat up straight, pointing at all the colorful things she saw. Raine was glad that she felt so excited; lately, she only cried around him. He knew his behavior frightened her and he was glad that the cheerfulness around her took her fears away.
For a long time they wandered across the terrain. Raine wasn't enjoying it; Sammy took Sasha to the toddler attractions and they couldn't leave the girl alone to do something for grown-ups. In the shooting gallery, he won a large panda for his niece; it was the only activity Raine did himself. It didn't feel like this day was bringing him closer to his family; he didn't know what to talk about with Sammy and preferred the silence. His sister wasn't trying very hard either; by now, she had more interest in her phone.
"I want to go on the rollercoaster," Sammy said all of a sudden, putting her phone away. "Will you wait with Sasha?"
Raine shrugged his shoulders. Sure. The little girl was already tired and had fallen asleep. He parked the stroller next to a bench and sat down while Sammy got in the line. Raine stared at the people walking by; the happy families and couples in love. A gnawing emptiness in his chest made him avert his eyes. Would he ever find a love like that again?
Someone sat down next to him. Annoyed, he turned his head aside. Usually, people kept their distance and across from him was an open seat.
His heart stood still for a moment when he looked into two brown eyes.
"Hey," a hoarse voice sounded.
Raine couldn't make a sound. He stared at the man next to him. Even with his eyes closed, he could replicate that handsome face; every line was etched in his memories.
He was so overwhelmed by the fact that Juice was sitting next to him all of a sudden that he was convinced that he was imagining things. Yet, not a single fantasy had been so realistic as this one. He smelled the mixture of leather, aftershave and cigarette smoke — and he felt... something. A tingling spreading through his fingers; the longing to feel Juice's skin — to convince himself that it was really him.
"What are you doing here?" The words sounded hostile, they'd slipped his lips before he knew it like some kind of defense mechanism.
And it hurt Juice. He could see it in his eyes.
"I miss you," the man whispered.
Cursing, Raine turned his face away. He was too late; the tears already jumped into his eyes and there was an unstoppable urge to wrap his arms around the man next to him and to never let go.
But Juice deserved better than him and he would never be able to love the man he had become. So bitter, so harsh. So...
Suddenly, fingers grabbed his chin and yanked his head to the side. No matter how vulnerable Juice had sounded a moment ago, right now the expression on his face was harsh. "You act like I am the one who cheated."
Raine couldn't look him in the eye. He simply couldn't.
His touch burnt his skin, fiercely as the mark on his wrist.
"You're better off without me," he muttered.
"No, I'm not. Damn it Raine — look at me! Look at me and see that I'm not better off without you!"
He looked up. Saw the grief, the pain, maybe even despair.
"Don't you miss me?" Juice took his hand away, his voice sounding fragile again. Fear nestled in his eyes; fear to be rejected.
It broke his heart.
Before he knew it, Raine felt a tear itch down his cheek.
"Yeah," he muttered, defeated. "I miss you terribly, Juice. I..." He took a deep breath, thinking of how he'd hurt Sammy and Sasha. "I didn't only lose you. I also... lost myself."
He froze when Juice took his hand. "Then let me help you to find yourself back."
Raine squeezed his eyes. It didn't stop the tears. "I fucked up, baby. I don't wanna hurt you anymore."
"Then hold me," Juice whispered. "Hold me and tell me you still love me."