Rivals ? - Chapter 48: Chapter 48

For Raine, it was impossible to understand that Juice wanted to give him a second chance. For weeks he was surrounded by such a dark cloud that he couldn't believe that anyone would still want to be with him. As a human being, he had reached an all-time low—he had found the limits of his self-tolerance. He was shaken by the darkness he felt, by the ease with which he surrendered himself to it.
And now, it felt like an angel was holding him in his arms.
An angel who still loved him, who still saw the good in him, even when Raine hadn't been able to see it for a long time. It only increased the guilt he felt and he didn't know how he could make up for his mistakes.
"You wanna go back to the carnival?" Juice asked.
It took a while before the mist that covered his eyes parted so he could see his friend clearly again. Did Juice want to go back to the carnival? That sounded like a more important question. He wanted to meet all his wishes and never disappoint him again, even though he had a headache and didn't want a lot of people around him.
But Juice smiled. He undoubtedly wanted to make the best of this day.
"Sure." Raine tried to smile back; looking him in the eye was still hard.
Juice jumped up and pulled Raine to his feet. Letting his hand slide in Raine's, he headed for the entrance.
So this was it? Things were good between them again? Had Juice really forgiven him?
It all still felt so fucking wrong.
During the rest of the day, Raine tried to hide how he really felt. Juice and he rode the rollercoaster, won two large stuffed animals at the shooting gallery, and hit the bumper cars. Juice showed his affection in small gestures, but Raine still had the feeling he was swimming in a raging sea in which he could drown at any moment. It didn't escape Juice's attention. He noticed it in the way the man searched for his eyes, squeezed his hand, and showed him sympathetic smiles.
Raine averted his eyes. He never would have thought it would be torture to be around Juice again. He felt even relieved when Sammy, Skye and Sasha came to them a few hours later.
"Are you tired?" he asked Sasha.
The little girl rubbed her eyes. "Tired," she repeated.
"Let's go home then."
His eyes met Sammy's. She was insecure. Afraid that he wasn't happy about this meeting with Juice. He however was — he really was. It just felt like his head could explode at any moment. The constant noise, the fight in his head, and Juice's undeserved love... It was all too much.
"Why don't the two of you book a room?" Skye suggested.
Raine shook his head. He couldn't. It was too much. And he wanted to apologize to his sister too. "Maybe another time," he muttered.
Skye's eyes flashed to Juice, who dropped his eyes in disappointment.
Raine cursed himself because of his ill-considered answer. He closed his eyes for a moment.
What did Juice want? To have a romantic night and pretend Raine hadn't fucked things up? He had the feeling he first had to find back himself before he could give himself to Juice again. Laying his hands on the stroller, he pushed his niece towards the exit. It didn't take long before his sister showed up next to him.
"What's the matter?" Sammy asked, sounding annoyed. "You're gonna push him away again?"
"No." Raine sighed. "I... I just don't know what to do with myself."
"Then let him help you. Nobody else can do it, Raine. I already tried."
"How can I go on a romantic night out after how I treated you?"
Sammy shrugged. "We haven't seen you at most nights, so we will be fine. This is just another stupid excuse."
Raine turned his face away. Her words hurt.
"I'm sorry, Sam," he said in a soft voice. "I've been such an asshole."
"Yeah, you were." She grabbed his arm and stopped him. "So do something about it, Raine. Please." She took a deep breath before looking him in the eye. "You've been so strong after Rosa's death. You were a great help to me and Dad and Sasha. And you know why you were so strong? Because you weren't alone. Because you had Juice and he kept you going, giving you strength and comfort.  When you lost him, you broke down and none of your friends helped you to mend your broken heart. You can't always be strong, Raine. It's hard for me to see my big brother suffer, but you're only human. You feel pain and grief too. But contrary to Mom and Rosa, Juice is still here. He still wants to give you strength and comfort. Stop trying to fix things on your own, for you can't. I know our relationship has been damaged during the past weeks, but it won't be restored before you're healed. And your medicine walks right behind you. All you have to do is to hold out for it."
Raine said nothing while rolling the buggy to the parking lot. How could he explain how stained he felt? How the guilt was eating him away? That the more kindness Juice showed, the more he was disgusted with himself? He felt the tears gather in his eyes.
Standing still next to the car, he strapped Sasha into the child seat. His hands were shaking.
He couldn't sit behind the wheel and drive away. Only a few hours ago he promised Juice he wouldn't let go of him again. Should he do it? Staying the night with him? Away from his family? Away from everything but him? He was scared to be alone with him. Afraid of his emotions, afraid that the aggression would take the upper hand, afraid that he would hurt Juice again.
What's exactly what will happen if you get into that car now, Raine.
Sammy stroked his back. "Go with him, Raine. Do it for him, if you can't do it for yourself. Do it for me."
Raine clenched his hands into fists and took a deep breath.
There were more than enough reasons to give it a shot.
"Okay," he gave in. "Then... I'll be back home tomorrow."
Sammy smiled at him. "Take all the time you need. Sasha and I will be fine. It's already a relief to know that you're with Juice, instead of wandering through the streets with bleeding fists."
"Okay, fine..." He pulled his sister in a hug. "But I mean it. I'm sorry about everything."
"I know." She kissed his cheek. "You need this, Raine. I'm sure you'll feel better tomorrow."
Raine suppressed a sigh and turned around. I hope so.
He leaned into the backseat to say goodbye to Sasha, then he looked around the parking lot. Raine and Skye were standing a few cars away from them. He got nervous as he walked toward them, a series of apologies gathering on his tongue.
Skye smiled at him, nodded and gave them some room.
Juice looked at him.  The tension was killing him and Raine realized that all his sweet words had been sincere but that his trust in Raine was still very fragile. His feelings revolted as he hooked his fingers around Juice's and leaned into him, convincing him he was doing something wrong. He ignored it and searched for Juice's eyes. "Is that offer still standing?"
Juice's thumbs stroked across his. The smile returned to his face. "Of course." His cheeks flushed. "I already found a hotel, not far from here. We can take my bike?"
Raine forced his lips into a smile. "Sounds good."
For a moment their lips connected before Raine stepped away.
. . .
It was a simple hotel room. Assuming that Raine would really want to come with him, he'd opted for a change of scenery instead of their homes. There was no sultry light, no candles. Juice didn't mind, for he knew Raine was too conflicted for anything more intimate than cuddling, even though Juice did long for Raine's caresses, his lips, and his warmth. He craved for the memory of what had been, of what was so different from anything he'd ever felt. Feelings that felt like nothing but a fantasy right now.
Raine closed the door behind him and looked around, obviously feeling insecure.
It hurt to see him like this. The strong man he had gotten to know was now suffering from guilt.
What would he need? A steam bath? Their room had none, but he knew there were also luxurious rooms. Perhaps he could still rebook the room, Raine certainly looked like a bath would do him well.
His gaze met Raine's, who quickly averted his eyes. There was a tense silence in the room now there were no carnival sounds to drown it out.
"I... I don't know how to move on Juice." Raine's voice sounded hoarse. "You really think we can work this out?"
"We have to." Juice stepped closer to the man and took his face in his hands. "I can't live without you, Raine. I still want to become your husband and I'm sure we'll come across more obstacles. But I believe in us."
"I just don't get how you can still believe in us. Why the hell would you want a guy who treats you like shit by cheating on you?"
The words cut through his heart and it took a lot of willpower to remind himself that Raine had never done such a thing.
"I trust that you won't do it again." Suddenly, there was a lump in his throat and he looked down. "Unless... you really enjoyed your freedom the past weeks."
Raine's fingertips glided across his jaw, making him look up again. "I haven't been with anyone. It didn't even cross my mind."
It was such a relief that the tears jumped into Juice's eyes. Hesitantly, he laid his hands on Raine's hips. "See? That's what I mean. I haven't been with anyone else either. I couldn't bear the thought to be touched by someone else."
Raine looked at him, his eyes full of tears. He closed them as a tear slipped down. Softly, his lips touched Juice's. Tinglings spread across his whole body. His lips parted, welcoming the warmth he'd missed so much. It was a fragile, tender kiss. He could feel every bit of pain Raine was carrying around and he pretended to take it away with the caress of his tongue. Slowly, he walked back without breaking the kiss, until he reached the bed and lowered himself onto it. For a moment he looked up—right when Raine looked at him too. The warm and vulnerable look in his eyes heated up his skin.
There were no words to describe how much he loved this man.
He smiled at his boyfriend. Instead of bending over him, Raine laid down next to him, rolling on his side. They didn't continue their kiss right away, they were just lying close to each other, letting their fingers slip across skin and fabric, casually. It felt calm, respectful, like a bit of growth.
"We can watch a movie?" Juice suggested.
The suggestion seemed to relieve Raine. Did he dread more than a kiss? Was he afraid to be reminded of the woman next to whom he'd woken up, and that he would be buried by guilt again?
He sat up and shoved back on the bed, placing a pillow between his back and the wall before switching on the tv.
Raine came to sit next to him, lacing their fingers. "I love you, Juice."
Juice looked to the side. The shadows still lingered in his eyes. He swallowed. "I love you too, baby." Raising Raine's hand, he pressed a kiss to the back of it. He leaned against his boyfriend, a sad realization crossing his mind. Despite the time they'd spent together today, he hadn't seen Raine smile a single time. Not genuinely.
How much did the words I love you mean when he let his boyfriend believe that he had cheated? He wanted to see Raine smile again, he wanted to help him to find himself back and he realized that wouldn't happen as long as he let him live in a lie.
He couldn't wait for weeks or months to tell Raine the truth.
He had to find another way in which Raine would discover the truth, without putting Phantom in danger. While the movie started and Raine toyed with his fingers, Juice considered the different options he had — one even riskier than the other.
In the end, one possibility kept coming back. This one was also risky, but it could play out very well too.
From the corner of his eye, he looked at Raine, who was staring numbly at the tv screen.
Or it will play out wrong and cause him even more pain.
His hand tightened around Raine's. Even then, he would get him through it.
But he couldn't sweep this under the rug — not when everyone else did.
Tomorrow, he would tell Phantom about his plan.
And when the prospect was too afraid, Juice would go to the President of the Mayans himself.