Same But Different - Chapter 61: Chapter 61

One Month Later
"I can't believe I'm doing this" I whispered, knowing very well Yuri can hear me. Looking around, the only familiar face I see is Dr. Nick. I wonder what he's doing here.
"Everyone, welcome to the circle" Dr. Nick began. I clenched my palm tightly and hoped Yuri would be here instead of me.
"Now now, Sasha, we agreed to this" Yuri whispered. Ugh, fine. I knew I had no choice but to say yes. In front of me sat 3 girls and 2 boys. All of them and their alters.
It was called 'The Circle'. According to Dr. Nick, it seemed like the perfect way for the host to understand the alters and vice versa. And for some reason, Yuri thought me going first would be a good idea.
I looked down at my vibrating phone. It was a text from Jason.
"Do you want me to come save you? Oh wait, I can't. Yuri will have my severed head on a plate"
Followed by another text from Jason.
"And she will feed my severed head to the homeless junkies near the church. What if Mr.Johnsons find my severed head?"
I rolled my eyes and tried to stay focus. Dr.Nick stood up and began to talk.
"I spoke with Dr. Valerie here and we both came up with The Circle for people like you all here today. For people who struggle every day to understand themselves. People who think they are not normal. People who get bullied because they are a tad bit different from others. People who think it's a disease and it requires a cure. People who don't have the courage to get out of bed anymore. People who don't treat their hosts or alters fairly. And people with special abilities." He looked at me and smiled. The last sentence surely was directed at us.
"The Circle is for hosts and alters, and how they will try to work together rather than try to eliminate one another. So since we're all here. Why don't we get to know each other a little?"
Dr. Nick suggested a group introduction and I felt my shoulders shrug with the least enthusiasm. I'm doing this for Yuri, I repeated in my head. But I still don't see the point of us being in the circle. We are doing perfectly fine. Just because I keep having this stupid dream doesn't mean that something is wrong.
"We both know that it's been a week since you've had the same dream continuously. I know when something is wrong" Yuri's voice echoed.
One by one, each person in the circle began introducing themselves and their alters. Some had two alters, some have five and the numbers kept increasing. Finally, when it was my turn. I introduced myself as the alter while everyone else introduced themselves as host.
"So, you're the powerful one?" One girl asked me.
"Huh?"
"Where's your host? Are you out because you're more powerful than her?" She asked again.
"Uh no. She .. well we decided I'll go to the first class and she'll go to the next" I replied.
"Oh okay. You're lucky you at least agree with your host on something" she chuckled.
I smile at her not knowing what else to say. Damn, some of these people must have gone through a hard time. We did too, when we didn't know any better.
- - - - - - - - - - -
Three days had passed, meaning three sessions had passed. Was I getting better? I don't think so.
If only Dr.Nick hadn't recommended this. If only I didn't have that stupid dream. I frowned at the thought. My portal to Yuri was open, and I could spend as much time with her as I wanted. But after I started seeing the dreams, it's almost as if the portal has totally vanished. I could hear Yuri in my head, and Yuri is trying her best for the both of us to be positive about it.
This feels wrong. Not being able to see her for this long. Something is wrong, I can tell. And as the undying horrifying dream I keep seeing over and over again, I can't find myself concentrating on anything else.
I don't think I am that strong Sasha anymore. I am weak, I know it. I feel it.
The more I think about this, the more I want to scream. But I am holding on because of Yuri. I need to be strong for her. Whether if it's her tumor coming back or just me disappearing to oblivion again.
Dr.Nick is trying to find a way to open the portal again. In the meantime, it is however recommended for me to attend these useless sessions.
"Your portal is closed?" Madeline interrupted my thoughts. She was the one with 4 alters. The host happiest amongst all of us.
"Uh .. yeah. The portal is gone now. I don't see her anymore. Last month everything was fine and then suddenly there was this dream and now .." I look at the circle not knowing how to continue. My words had failed me just like my hope for ever seeing Yuri again.
"What was the dream about?" Madeline asked curiously.
"What?"
"The dream, Sasha. What was it about? You said it was the same dream over and over again"
I pulled my hair up like a bun and fixed my posture and let out a deep breath. I closed my eyes as I try to recall the dream.
"I was in a different town, not a place I have ever seen before. And I could see the stars, I think I was in someone's balcony?"
"Do you know what happens next?" Madeline pushed the subject more than Dr. Nick ever did.
"I wish I did, I wish I knew what I was doing there"
"You mean, it was you on the balcony? Not Yuri?" She had a good point. I hadn't thought of that.
"Yes. I was myself. I was Sasha in the dream. That's how I know it's not one of Yuri's memories" I replied. I saw Madeline stare at me not knowing what else to say. I knew it was confusing, especially when you have to explain things to other people.
"Okay, session's over for today." Dr.Nick clapped his hands and yelled.
I got up from my seat and made my way outside. I noticed Madeline waiting for me.
"I think I figured out why you keep having those dreams" Madeline said.
"Sure, humor me" I replied knowing clearly she wouldn't be able to crack it. She barely knows everything me and Yuri has been through. There is no logical explanation for the both of us.
"If you were Sasha in the dream, it must have been one of your memories, not Yuri's" She lifted her eyebrows as I tried to comprehend what she has just said.
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"There must be a place you come from, Sasha" Dr. Nick replied as we sat in his office.
"But I had no memories before. And you said that I was formed inside Yuri's brain. That I am a miracle?" I asked.
"Exactly, we don't know where you came from. So far there has been just speculations. Any theory I could find in the world of medicine; I couldn't apply here. Maybe this is gives us a head start on where you come from" Dr. Nick stared at a scan of Yuri's brain.
"And figuring this out will unlock the barrier between me and Yuri?" I just wanted the portal back. I just want to be able to see her and touch her again.
"I've been meaning to say this for a while now, Sasha" Dr. Nick muttered. "Bear with me, as this might come off rude, but I think you should let Yuri go"
"What?"
"I mean, this is about you now. Focus on yourself, rather than Yuri. You have been putting her first in everything that you have forgotten who you really are as a person. Now, I get that you love Yuri very much, but at this moment, you need to understand that what you need the most right now is yourself." His reply made me feel weak. I knew that me being in Yuri's life had a reason behind it and it was her tumor. My story was her story, my memories were her memories. But how do I find out where I come from when I don't even know who I am?
"But how can I just recall something I don't remember?" I finally asked.
"You don't. You let those memories come to you."
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"I can't do this. I can't do this without you Yuri". I stared blankly at the ceiling and feel the tears flowing.
"I'm right here next to you, I'm not going anywhere" Yuri's voice echoes but I knew deep down she was miserable too.
Why has life come to this? Everything was fine a month ago, everything was normal. We were normal. We were us.
"It's time to put yourself first, Sasha" Her words weighted heavy in my chest.
I lay on the bed in the same position as I was almost 2 years ago. Closing my eyes and opening them again.
What was I missing?
Why did I wake up in Yuri's body?
What made me become me?
I had many questions I wanted answers for since the very beginning. It felt like all this time I never had any opportunity to look into that. I was too worried about everything else.
I need answers. I whispered.
I closed my eyes again and tried to recall my dream. The view from the balcony, where was I? My hair is tied up like how I like it. I seemed miserable. I could feel it.
If only I knew what was the missing piece?
I felt my body get heavier, it wasn't a switch. I was undergoing sleep paralysis again. After two years. Before I could panic, I felt my body being transported. Transported to that night.
My memories were coming back.
- - - - - - -- - - - ---- - - - - --- - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - -
Two Years Ago
"I can't take this anymore" Tears rolled down my cheeks. I stared at my clenched hands and then at my wrists. It would be better to just let it all go at once. I picked up the kitchen knife and thought about all the events that took place in my life.
Memories flooded in and I could see it all. From the time I was a kid, when I lost my mom to cancer. To my father trying his best to be my everything and tending to all my needs. To all those kids who bullied me at school for coming out as a lesbian. To no one ever wanting to speak or have to do anything with me. To having no one to talk to but my father. To all those lonely nights in bed thinking about no solution but just to end it all.
Why did everyone have to be so mean?
Why can't they just say something nice for once?
Why did I have to let them get to me?
Why was I so naïve?
Many thoughts ran through my mind but it was too late. After all it was my life, it's my body and I can do anything I want with it.
I read the letter I had written to my father once again. I was sure he'd understand my pain. I was sure that I was doing the right thing by me.
Dear Dad,
If you are reading this, I have ended my life here on this earth. Many times I thought I do not belong here and I think I was right. Having mom gone and people making fun of me all the time, I cannot handle it anymore.
You were the only one that made anything tolerable and thank for you for that. I know you'd probably be very disappointed in me for taking such a huge decision and leaving you. But I can assure you that I will be at peace as there was nothing here on earth that made me want to stay.
I was depressed and lonely. I cannot say anything more or make you understand what it's like in my head. Thank you for everything you have done for me. My last wish is for you to move on and try to live your life.
I know I'm selfish for doing this to you, and yes I am running away from my problems instead of facing them but please know that it was easier to pick up this knife than picking up the phone to tell you that your daughter was under depression and suicidal.
I will always love you and I'm sorry.
From your daughter,
Louisa Peyton Morgan
I walked out to the balcony and stared at the stars. "God, if you're out there and by some miracle you can hear me, show me a sign." I whispered under my breath. "Show me any sign, that it gets better. Show me that I'm wrong for wanting to end my life. Show me that there will be happy days"
I felt the breeze hit against my skin and no sound other than of my breath. "Here goes nothing" I thought as I slit my wrist open and fall on the floor.