Shattered Dreams [EDITING] - Chapter 11: Chapter 11

NADIA'S POV:
I feel okay today. I have been able to move around by myself, without my legs feeling as though they are going to give out at any second. I have been able to eat and drink without feeling sick afterwards. My throat doesn't feel like it's burning me today.
I think I'm on an adrenaline high from being put on the Tonsillectomy list because I haven't felt this good in a while. I say I feel okay, I still feel like shit but the way I feel now is like I'm healthy compared to how I felt every other day.
I'll take feeling okay over feeling like i'm dying any day.
I'm glad, I hope it carries on like this. Hopefully today can be productive.
I go downstairs and everyone is shocked to see me. My dad nearly spits his orange juice back into the glass. "Morning," I smile at him and he simply just waves at me slowly, in what appears to be shock.
"Morning, Darl. I take it you are feeling okay today?" Mum asks and I nod at her with a small smile.
"Yeah, I feel like going to school today," I tell her and her eyes widen and I hear my dad choke on his sip of orange due to shock.
"Really? Do you think that's a good idea? You don't want to be paying for it when you get back home," She questions me. I know that she is looking after me but if she carries on asking questions like this then she will make me change my mind about it because she is right. I just want to do something today, I am sick of being stuck in the same four walls day in and day out. I need to get posters on my walls cause I am fed up with staring at plain white.
"I don't think it's a good idea, no. But I have to push myself if I don't want to kill myself," I tell her bluntly and the tears pool out of her. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that."
I didn't mean to say it, no. But that doesn't mean I'm not thinking about it constantly. My life sucks, I feel like I am getting a new symptom every day. My headaches are always so constant and tight, it's like a helmet you can't take off.
I was chilling in bed this morning thinking about how I felt okay today and then my dog jumped onto my bed. I thought about the unbearable cliche I have become: an ill young woman with a dog that sits on her bed throughout her illness. That's when I got out of bed and decided I was going to college today, I'll push through the fatigue and pain. I need to prove to myself that I can do it. If I stay here then I don't know what I would do, it's terrifying being so trapped inside of your own body.
"Mum, I have to. I've been missing out on so much. I want to, just once," I tell her.
What I don't tell her is that I don't want to, not at all. I want to feel normal. If I could go to college that would mean I am fine, so I force myself to go just to play pretend for a few hours.
I know full well that it's going to cause me to get worse again, but isn't it worth it to feel like my old self again even for just a little while?
"Okay, you can go but please call me once you've had enough. One of us will be there to pick you up straight away," She hands me my toast whilst giving me a kiss on the top of my head.
Willem has made his way to the dining table in the time I have been speaking to mum. We haven't spoken since he said he saw what the doctors meant. I still feel like he doesn't truly believe me so I haven't made any move to speak to him and neither has he with me.
It's weird and I hate not talking to him, but he has always been my number one supporter, why can't he be that for me now when I need it the most?
"Have a good day at college then. Please take painkillers before you go so you might be able to last longer," Dad tells me and leaves to go and get ready for the day. I'm already ready. I am in a hoodie and joggers. I used to get dressed up to go to college so I could feel good within myself but that is just not possible anymore. It's too exhausting, I struggle day to day with doing something as simple as brushing my teeth.
Willem is ready too and we spend the rest of our time eating breakfast in silence. It's never been this quiet between us, no matter how close we are, how much we argue, he is still a part of who I am. We grew up together, he has known me longer than anyone else has known me in my life.
He is a really stubborn person so he will refuse to apologise unless it is absolutely necessary and I am too much of a people pleaser to let an argument stay an argument so I always end up apologising first. But not this time, I will not be apologising for something that is absolutely not my fault. He doesn't believe me, then that's on him, I shouldn't have to prove I am actually feeling this way to him.
Willem and I both finish our breakfast at roughly the same time, he picks up both of our plates at the same time and puts them in the dishwasher all without saying a word to me. We may not be on speaking terms but he is still looking after me.
Mum and dad have work to do today so Willem has the duty of driving me to school. Neither of us have a problem with it because it would be easier as he is driving there anyway. What we are dreading is the awkward drive to college.
He looks at me and gives me a quick nod, telling me that he's ready. I nod back and walk towards the door. As I'm doing so, Corey comes jogging downstairs and I inwardly groan because I forgot he would've been here. Him and Willem have their early morning jogs and always end up back here.
We head to the car in silence, me choosing the back seat as I feel okay enough to have it today and because I don't want any arguments as that would make the entire situation even worse.
About halfway through the car journey I decide that I have had enough of the silence as I can feel the tension floating in the air around us, it's about to suffocate me. In an attempt to be able to breathe again, I put my earphones in and put my music on a low volume so that it doesn't hurt my head that much.
It seems Corey has had enough of the awkwardness as well as he started speaking about nonsense, "What happened to that girl you slept with at the party?" He asks Willem as if his sister isn't sitting in the back seat.
Before even getting the chance to hear Willem's answer, I turn my music up a few notches so I don't have to hear the conversation the two idiots in the front are having.
Corey is a fucking idiot if he thinks asking Willem about his sex life in front of his sister is going to make anything less awkward. I know me and Willem are close but that is a conversation I do not want to be overhearing.
When we arrive at school Corey and Willem go off and do their own thing, leaving me behind but I end up following them anyway. No one knows I'm coming in today, I probably should've texted Maddy or Jasper but it didn't enter my mind. I doubt they would even care as they haven't even been checking up on me to see how I am.
I have to check on my phone where I am supposed to be as it's been so long since I've come here and see that it's assembly day today so I head towards the main hall. My college is only small, with only about two hundred or so students attending here. It's nice and cosy, and everyone is friendly to everyone.
No one is walking through the halls apart from Willem, Corey and me so I assume we are a little late. This is confirmed when I follow them into the main hall and everyone turns their head to watch us enter. I try my best to ignore all the stares but I know that their eyes are widened and are scrutinising me as they haven't seen me in a while. I take a seat at the back so that people can't look at me and see how damaged I have truly become.
You would think that I was pronounced dead and brought back to life with how they are staring at me.
As we are late, there are no seats for us as we enter so the three of us have to stand at the back, my legs are going to punish me for it later but I do it anyway. I'm playing pretend once again.
The assembly is about community service and what we can do for charity. The voices of the speakers go in one ear and out if the other and my head is starting to hurt again. I am shuffling from one foot to the other, annoying Willem and Corey standing next to me when I get tapped on the shoulder.
"Can you come with me please?" The campus supervisor speaks into my ear and I nod following him out of the room. I look back to Willem and he gives me a look that asks if I'm okay and I shrug my shoulders at him because the only thing this conversation could be about is my lack of attendance.
Mr Hood doesn't take me far, just stands me outside the main hall and all that stands between us on them is the glass doors and windows so they can all still see us and vice versa.
Willem and Corey are watching the speakers but both continue to look this way every now and then to assess the situation. They may be mad at me or whatever but they still would protect me from anything. I seem to forget where I am as I smile at the thought of how deeply they care about me, even though Corey likes to act otherwise.
"Why have you been off for so long?" The question causes me to wear my previous frown.
"I've been poorly," I tell him, not offering a longer explanation.
"Poorly with what?" He questions me immediately.
"Tonsillitis." I answer scarcely.
"And is your tonsillitis gone now?" I shake my head. "Then why are you back?" He raises his eyebrows up at me.
"Because I felt a little better so I wanted to come in and do as much as I can-" I begin to explain but get cut off mid sentence.
"I think you're only coming back cause you knew today was a no work day. You can't stay off school sick and then come back for only the fun things. It's not a very good look for you, is it?" He says in an accusing tone.
"That's not it at all. How am I even supposed to know it's a no work day? I haven't been here," I ask and then he looks towards where Corey and Willem stand looking this way. When they register that we are looking at them, they turn back to look at the speakers as if we haven't already noticed they were both staring. I scoff because they are both a pair of idiots.
"If you have any more time off, we have no choice but to fine you. We allow you to be off when you're training but that was because you were busy and still making time for your work. Now you're not doing any of that," he says like I don't already know I'm not capable of doing them.
"You can't fine me when I have a valid reason to be off. I don't have any energy!" I almost shout due to the stress he is causing me.
This all sucks because for a second I was feeling somewhat happy, for a second I felt like I was going to finally be believed by someone who isn't my family and for a second I had hope everything was going to be okay. But in a second I lost all of that again.
I just want a day where it feels like I'm not falling apart anymore, as it's been a long time since I've been me.
"You seem to have a lot of energy, enough to talk back to me in that tone." He says icily.
"I've been going to the doctors near enough three times a week recently. Everyone here knows how much I love and appreciate skating, do you really think I would jeopardise my career I've been working towards since I was five just to have a few weeks off school?" I counter and look him straight in the eye as I say, "Believe me when I tell you that I am sick."
Never in my life have I ever had to fight so much just to be heard. Why does everyone assume that just because you can do one thing means you can do another? Why does everyone assume they know how I am living at the moment? It's like they think I am having the time of my life being off college and the ice when in reality that isn't the case at all. They can assume but they can never see what it's really like. They don't see the agony I am in, how fucking fatigued I am, how fucking fed up I am of feeling this way.
"I can't believe you. Because you don't look sick," he says right into my face and I crack. Tears pool out of me and this is when I feel arms wrap around me.
People can never understand unless they are the ones living with it. However they think I feel, I want to assure them that it's a thousand times worse than what they are imagining. Living like this is something the average person can't comprehend because they just don't understand.
I don't even pay attention to the fact Corey is the one holding me as I cry the fact Willem is right in the tutors face. I try to speak up but I can't form any coherent words. I don't want Willem to get suspended because of me, I don't want to ruin that for him as well.
My breathing is getting heavier and Corey starts wiping strands of my sweaty hair that's begun sticking to my face. Other tutors have begun getting in between Willem and Mr. Hood in an effort to try and diffuse the situation.
Corey lifts my chin up with his hand to catch my eye and his are full of questioning. I shake my head and he understands what I mean because the hope in his eyes dim. He knows I'm giving up.
I shouldn't have come here, I should've just stayed in my reality of feeling like shit. Playing pretend never goes well.
Willem has calmed down now and is apologising profusely to Mr. Hood but not for Mr. Hoods benefit, just so that he doesn't get suspended. If he gets suspended then he also isn't allowed in the hockey team. He keeps eyeing me so I know that he is doing it for me too, he knows how guilty I will feel if his education is affected because of me.
Willem is taken to settle down properly and as he walks he looks behind to see how I am. I just stare blankly at him but Corey nods his head telling Willem that he has this covered.
Am I really that lonely that I'm letting Corey comfort me now?
I now only notice the crowd formed around us all, like we are the most exciting form of entertainment. I hope Maddy and Jasper aren't in the crowd to see this. I'd like to think that if they were here they would be here comforting me too but I haven't been the best with assumptions lately.
I look around the faces of my fellow students and they are all looking at me questioningly, especially now that I'm wearing mascara.
Noted. Apparently you can't wear make-up to cover up the fact that you feel like you're dying everyday.
Corey must sense that I'm about to start crying again as he grabs my chin so I'm facing him again. He doesn't care about everyone staring at us as he looks into my eyes.
"Two, two, four," he says so softly I almost don't hear it.
"What?" I ask him with my eyes widened in shock.
"Today, tomorrow, forever. Remember?" He queries and I nod. Of course I remember, those three words were my lifeline growing up.
"Today, tomorrow, forever I will be here for you, I will believe you. Even when no one else does, I always will. Two, two, four." He puts his forehead on mine.
I'm frozen because I'm captivated by his words and I'm also confused as to why we are acting like we used to. I could almost cry again as it feels like I finally have my friend back.
But of course that feeling is cut short when Corey gets ripped away from me by no one other than Jasper.
"Get away from my girl man," Jasper shouts and almost punches Corey but thinks better of it as he remembers our surroundings.
Corey pleads to me with his eyes to move and so I do. Without saying a word to anyone I run to the bathroom and call my mum. After two rings she answers, almost like she was waiting for the call.
I can't form any words so all she is able to hear on her end is my muffled cry and stuttering trying to find the right thing to say but I can't
"I'm coming to get you now." She says, and I know that when she finally gets here she's going to kick off.
The thing about my mum is she's not afraid to stick up for herself and everyone around her. It's one of the many things that I admire about her. She's the strongest woman I know and I know and she's who I get all of my strength from.
I'm proud to call her my mum.
I hide in the bathroom until I get a text from her saying she's here. I texted her when we got off the phone for her to do so as I won't be able to leave this room without her. I check my phone and I have texts from Willem, Corey and Jasper asking where I am and if I'm okay but I couldn't muster up the courage to reply to any of them.
I feel like I've lost my ability to speak about my feelings properly now. I feel like I've lost my voice.
Willem texted me saying that he was outside the office of the supervisor so I'm assuming that's where they all are. I look at myself in the mirror for a few seconds, wiping the streaky mascara from under my eyes. Once I'm satisfied I don't look like I've been crying too hard I blow out a harsh breath and exit the bathroom and make my way to where I assume they all are.
I round the corner to where the offices are and see that they are all sitting down in the chairs outside of Mr Hood's office. My mum looks like she could cry but also looks angry all at the same time, which seems to be a common facial expression for her nowadays.
When she sees me approach she stands up and holds her arms out for me to hug her. "Willem and Corey told me what happened. Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm okay. I'm just glad you're here," I tell her truthfully.
Willem and join in on the hug and I burst out crying then and there. These guys are my family and I couldn't love them more than I already do. Corey looks awkward standing next to us watching this so we all make room for him to join in on the hug. I can tell he appreciates the gesture. I wonder how long it's been since he's been hugged.
I can feel some sort of tension between Corey and I and it's not the same that we have when we are bickering, it's different yet somehow familiar.
I don't know where Jasper got to, he's probably forgotten any of that happened. That's a lie, I know he didn't because he is blowing up my phone with texts. I'm the one who wants to forget it all happened. I'm embarrassed.
When we finally break apart from the hug, which I'm sure makes us look like a bunch of idiots, I ask them what happened. My mum begins to explain how she shouted at the school for accusing me of faking how I feel and for punishing Willem for sticking up for his sister and not punishing the tutor for bullying me.
Willem then adds that he got off with the things he said because they understood his frustration and then apologised to him. Where's my apology? Don't get me wrong, I'm happy he isn't getting punished for this and they said sorry to him but what about me?
Mr. Hood bullied me back then, I just wish I was strong enough to make a complaint about it. I know my mum would do it if I asked but she would much rather we stay quiet as complaining is only going to make things much worse than they already are.
The high of feeling happy because I have my family supporting me is cut short when I'm reminded that my body never wants me to be happy again. My adrenaline has worn off so now my body is shooting pain all over. It's in my head, arms, legs and even my feet. It's like the symptoms have signed a lease and are living inside of me rent free.
When will I catch a break?