Shattered Dreams [EDITING] - Chapter 16: Chapter 16

NADIA'S POV:
A constant flow of buzzes wakes me up from the deep sleep that I don't remember entering. I would attempt to move to turn it off but I doubt that my body is even capable of doing that right now. This is why I don't even attempt to do things because I wake up the next day unable to fucking do anything. I'm trapped, so terribly trapped.
Everyday I am just here lying in my bed and I'm just simply existing. This doesn't feel like living at all and I constantly think to myself, what is the point in being born in the first place? Which then leads to me thinking about not being alive. It seems easier than living on a carousel called pain.
My family is always telling me that I need to stop being so morbid all of the time, that the answers are out there and things will get better. But how can I possibly see things that way? It's not so black and white. It's hard to think the way everyone wants me to because I don't feel that way. If there were answers for what is going on with me out there then they would've found them already, or at least looked into what it could be instead of sending me away constantly telling me it's nothing.
I know that doctors have a lot of patients to see everyday, more than they can keep up with in one day but if they just took proper care and listened to their patients symptoms then all of this wouldn't be happening to me. If they stopped calling me crazy and depressed then they would see what is wrong. They go to medical school to help other people. If they looked into me properly then they could treat me and I wouldn't have to keep coming to see them, clogging up their days with yet another patient coming back.
When looking into my symptoms I went into a rabbit hole about misdiagnosis. Apparently every year five percent of patients get misdiagnosed, which is too many. I know it's an easy mistake to make, but it can be very dangerous. The most common thing to get misdiagnosed is cancer and that, along with many other illnesses can be life-threatening.
As the days go by, the more I feel like I am sinking further downwards and inevitably I'm going to suffocate fully. It's clear to me now that you don't need to be in water to drown. I spend my days drowning in the mess of my own life that I can't be the anchor that everyone around me needs me to be.
I just want to be me again, I miss the person I used to be.
I struggle to roll over onto my side but I manage it, only to be met with the back of Maddy's head and she is almost falling off the edge of the bed with how far over she is from me. The last thing I remember of last night was her making me feel like shit, which is nothing out of the ordinary for her to do in the time we have been friends.
I'm surprised that I even got any sleep at all, considering that when Maddy and I had our sleepovers in the past she would always keep me up for hours on end as she would snore all night. Her snoring is some of the loudest I have ever heard.
Before I met Maddy, my dad was the worst snorer I knew, my mum has to sleep in the spare room most nights because even the wax earplugs she puts in her ears isn't enough to block the sounds that come out of him while he is asleep. Sometimes she even sleeps on the sofa because it gets too much for her to even sleep on the same floor. My father is lucky that my mum loves him as much as she does because if I was in that position then I would've left Jasper long before I did because I love my sleep too much to put up with that.
His snoring doesn't seem to affect me anymore, just like Maddy's and it's almost peaceful now without being able to hear them snoring.
When it comes to Maddy, her snoring is probably the biggest reason she doesn't have a boyfriend actually as it is impossible to get any sleep next to her. Another reason why she doesn't have a boyfriend is because the girl hates commitment, it's terrifying to her. For me, it's someone to go through life with me but for her it sounds like the worst thing in the world. She's had plenty of offers but she never seems to take them, I've tried convincing her but she said that with Jasper and I always being on and off she's sworn off relationship as it doesn't paint the prettiest picture for her.
I can genuinely sleep through anything now and that makes me happy, yet it also terrifies me at the same. It makes me happy because I can rest whenever I want and need to. I am terrified because I can do that, what if I sleep through something important or sleep my whole life away.
Although I can sleep through anything, it's weird to me that I can wake up over a buzzing phone and not the snores coming from that girl's mouth. It almost feels to me that my body is trying to tell me to be awake and that sparks my curiosity at who is calling her at this hour. I don't know what time it is but it feels early because my body can just tell sometimes.
I slowly lift myself up from the bed in an effort to not strain my muscles too much but also so that I don't disturb Maddy from her sleep. I feel guilty going to check her phone as it is an invasion of privacy but I have to as my gut is twisting inside of me because I feel like something is wrong. Even though I feel this way, I can't seem to put my finger on what it is that is wrong, hopefully taking a look at her phone will help me to figure it out.
I am only a nosey person when I know that something is wrong so this is the only thing I can do. I feel like an extremely bad friend to Maddy right now as I am about to go through her phone. But it will help my anxieties and I need to see that she still actually cares about me because it doesn't seem like she does lately. The first time I see her properly in months and then she makes me feel like a terrible person for feeling this way when I can't help it. I certainly feel like a bad person now with what I am about to do.
I try to reach around her body to get to the bedside table on her side to grab her phone but that falls flat when I almost lose my balance. The only issue I have with sleeping in socks is that my feet always tend to slip on the bedsheets and my hardwood floor.
As I almost slipped on my bedsheets I get up and tiptoe my way around to her side of the bed, keeping my eyes situated on her at all times so that I can see whether she is about to wake up or not. It would be incredibly awkward if she were to wake up right now and the first thing she sees when opening her eyes is me sneaking my way up to her. I imagine it would give her a little bit of a fright.
Once I know that it's safe to do so, I grab her phone quickly, in an effort to make as little noise as possible. I make my way out of the room and down the hallway, going to the bathroom so I can look at her phone in peace.
I know I should feel guilty but I don't as I know that something is going on with her and I want to figure it out so I can do my best to help her. I don't have the energy to focus on anyone other than myself right now but I want to help her and support her through whatever it is, I just need to know what it is.
I feel like such an incredibly shit friend right now. She will forgive me for going through her phone if it meant I was trying to help her, right?
I take a seat on the edge of the bath, turning the tap on so that I can have a bath but also so I can drown out any noise coming from this phone call. I am down the hall from my room but I don't want anyone else in the house to hear me either. I don't know why I'm so on edge about this in particular, the girl has always been open and honest with me apart from when it is something really serious.
At least I think she has always been open and honest with me. I don't seem to know much about anything anymore.
The phone in my hand starts vibrating again and I breathe out a heavy breath and turn her phone around so I can see the screen. The name that appears is one that shocks me and hurts me at the same time. Jasper is the person who is calling her and that causes a rush of confusion to ripple its way through me.
I freeze for a short moment as I'm unsure as to why he is calling her at this her, especially this early in the morning. I would like to tell myself that it is because he is worried about me and knows that Maddy slept around my house last night and wants to check on me through her. He knows not to call me as I have my phone on do not disturb constantly, I need to turn that off because recently I have discovered that I can sleep through anything.
I know that isn't true though and I need to stop lying to myself. Jasper knows that his number is the only one other than my parents and Willem's that's not in my do not disturb list so I get his texts and calls. Even if he wasn't, if he cared as much as he said he does then he could easily show up to my house like he always used to do to win me back after we broke up. Or he would call my dad to ask as I know that the two of them are close.
I stop myself from thinking so much and answer the call with shaky hands before it's too late and goes to voicemail. I stay silent, not wanting to reveal to him that it's me on the other end of the phone instead of it being Maddy.
"Finally, I've been trying to get through to you for ages." Jasper's voice comes through the speakerphone. He sounds stressed so maybe he is actually worried about me like I originally thought. It's been a long time since I have heard this much sincerity in his voice and it's not even when he is speaking to me.
I just want to feel loved by him without feeling like I have to beg him for it.
I continue to not say a word and let him carry on with whatever he was going to say, "We need to get going, my parents are wondering if we are picking you up at your house or Nadia's?"
My blood runs cold. So that's why he hasn't invited me to go on his trip away with him and his family. He's invited Maddy instead.
I know that they were close friends but I didn't realise that they were that close. I always thought that it was because Jasper and I were together and Maddy is my friend, not because they were actually that close themselves.
Whenever Jasper and Maddy have been around each other it has always been with me there as well. Well, to my knowledge anyway.
I want whatever this illness is to go away now, I'm tired of being out of the loop and feeling like I'm easily replaceable. I will have my tonsils removed in a few months, so hopefully then I can start living my life again.
In my head, there is no other reason as to why she is going than the fact that they are seeing each other behind my back. If they weren't sleeping together, why wouldn't they tell me they are going away together? If they weren't sleeping together, why wouldn't Maddy tell me which member of the hockey team she had her eyes on.
I'm so fucking blind and I'm so terribly angry.
I want to know how long it has been going on and if it's just a thing that goes on when Jasper and I are split up or if it carries on when we are back together. Either way, I have a right to know, that is my long-time boyfriend and best friend. I know that I am being naive again because Jasper and I are back together now and they are going away, but the hope inside of me wants to believe that Jasper asked her when we were broken up.
I don't say anything to Jasper as I'm too scared to do so. I don't know what his reaction will be and that is terrifying. The constant wanting to be wanted by him is the loneliest feeling in the world as no one truly understands how I feel. I don't even want to speak up because everytime I do that I am the one that ends up becoming the problem.
Whenever I have ended things with Jasper in the past it is because I needed some time to myself to breath as I was around him constantly. He always turned that on me and said that I was too overbearing and that he could never get any space from me. I never did like the person he became when we were split up, he was like a whole different person.
I start to tear up, trying my hardest not to make a sound but a strained sob comes out of my throat and I freeze as soon as I make the noise. I didn't want him to know that I was the one on the other end of the phone but now it is pretty clear to him.
"Naddy..." Jasper whispers painfully. I know for a fact that he's not upset with how I feel. He is upset that he is being caught and I hate him for it. No matter how much I put myself out there for him, no matter how much I put his feelings above my own I am never good enough for him. I need to stop putting him on this pedestal because I am always getting hurt by this man and I let it happen. I want my heart to stop choosing to love the person who makes me suffer the most.
I end the call, I don't want to hear whatever fucked up lie he comes up with. It will only make all of this hurt even more, it will only make it harder for me to let go of him. I stop running the bath and put my lavender bath salts in as my muscles are starting to scream at me. Stress always seems to make my symptoms worse and I don't understand why. I would ask a doctor but they say it's a normal thing that comes with being a teenage girl.
The phone starts buzzing in my hands again and I turn it off. He can fuck off if he thinks that I will be answering that. I'm suddenly brought back to reality when I realise that it is not my phone in my hands but is in fact Maddy's. She's going to kill me when she figures out that I've been snooping through her things. I had every right to answer that phone call, her and my boyfriend are both hiding things from me that I deserve to know.
I'm past the point of caring about things and just want to focus on getting myself better. If the two of them wanted to be together then they could just tell me that instead of going behind my back about it . The fact they have kept this for me means that I have to make my own scenarios up in my head, which may be worse or even better than the truth. I'm not entirely sure that I would be accepting of their relationship and I will definitely hate them for it but I certainly would respect their honesty as it's much better than them keeping it a secret. Knowing the truth is a lot less painful than discovering a lie.
This all makes me feel so insignificant to both of them.
I admit that I was acting on an impulse when I picked up her phone and I didn't realise fully what was going on but now that I remember how to act normally I walk back to my bedroom and the sight of Maddy fast asleep on my bed snoring away fills me with so much rage that it's beginning to get too much to contain.
I walk over to the bedside table, not caring how much noise I'm making this time as she doesn't deserve a second more of her peaceful sleep. I was about to put her phone down on the table but decide against it and throw the phone on top of the duvet, causing her to jump awake at the contact. I now have to actually face her and have this conversation with her but at least her snoring has stopped now, it really does get on my nerves.
"Christ, Naddy. What time do you call this?" She asks me, wiping sleep out of her eyes. I take a sear on the end of the bed as I feel my legs begin to wobble slightly due to standing up so long.
I don't say anything to her, if I do then I think it will end with me shouting at her and my throat is in too much pain to put myself through that. She doesn't even deserve my words at this point; she can't use hers to be honest about Jasper, I'm not going to use mine to communicate with her. If she had an ounce of common sense then she would be able to piece it together.
"You okay?! She asks me, sitting up more now. She can tell just by looking at my face that something is wrong, she's always been able to see right through me. I simply shake my head, not knowing how to voice the words that are circling in my mind.
No, I am not okay. My whole life is falling apart around me. I'm depressed and sick and no one is helping me, or even wanting to help me. I want to scream at everyone around me so I know that I am not just a ghost watching everyone live their life from the other side. I want to tell Maddy about how I feel but she wouldn't understand. I just want one of her hugs, for her to tell me it's all going to be okay even though we both know it won't be.
"I'm just tired." I tell her instead. Everything hurts so much but I will continue to keep it all to myself, so that I don't have to hurt everyone else around me.
Maybe I'm the problem. I truly believe that sometimes I was born just to make other people happy. The universe throws so many hardships my way because it knows that the more I have to go through then the more love I have to give those around me.
That's how I like to think to make myself feel better. I would like to have been put on this earth for myself and my own reasons but I don't believe I was. I think that I was born just to make other people happy. Some people are just unlucky with the cards they deal in life and I just so happen to be one of them.
"I don't believe that. You look like you've been crying. Are you in pain?" She questions me softly. She's been trying to open her mind up and understand what I'm going through a bit more but it hurts even more now, considering I know what she is doing behind my back.
"Your phone was ringing all morning, it woke me up." I inform her lightly.
"Shit, sorry. You should've just put it on silent." She replies as if that was the main issue.
"Check it." I tell her bluntly.
She does as I say, turning her phone back on and then when the flood of notifications of texts and missed calls appear she curses under her breath. "Nadia, let me explain..." She begins but I cut her off before she can even begin to utter another word.
"No. I don't want to hear any excuses or lies. I just want to know why you did this to me. I ask her through a sob.
I know that the both of them did this to me, not just Maddy but it hurts me that she did more than it hurts me that he did this. She is the girl I have grown up with by my side, she is the girl who I grew as a skater with. She is the one person I called my own family for years, even though we aren't related by blood. She was the girl I looked for Archie in when I lost him. She never could replace him, but she certainly made me feel less alone.
I feel like I'm back at square one again. I don't know why I didn't see this coming, they have been distant with me ever since I got sick and everything the universe does seems to be working against me. No one ever sees it, but the misery is always circulating around.
I explained my pain to Maddy, I confided in her, yet she was the person who inevitably ended up hurting me the most. Our relationship is now a crumpled up piece of paper lying on the floor. One day we may smooth this over, but we most certainly will never be the same again.
"Oh stop crying, I'm tired of your tears. You deserved it." Maddy says with so much hatred in her voice that it causes me to scoot further away from her on the bed on instinct.
"Why did I deserve that?" I ask her, trying to get a hold of myself but it's not working at all. She's wrong if she thinks I'm crying because of her though, I'm crying because the person who I thought she was ended up being shattered by the reality.
It's my fault because I never know people's true inventions and that on top of holding everything that I'm going through inside of me is suffocating.
"Everything has always come so easy to you. You have always been given everything you wanted whereas I had to work my absolute hardest." She confesses like this is something that has been bottled up inside of her for a while.
"What? No I haven't, not at all." I respond. On the outside all everyone sees is my achievements because that is all I let them see. When I'm at competitions no one other than my coach sees all the work that I do to get to a place where I can win competitions. All the people watching see is the beautiful performance I put on and no one ever knows how much effort each individual skater puts into their pieces.
"Oh bore off, Nadia. Don't even lie to me." She rolls her eyes, getting out of bed to start getting her stuff together to leave.
"So, what? You think that I deserve to have the two people closest to me go behind my back when my whole life is falling apart." I query, anger boiling up inside of me.
"I'm so fucking fed up of you making everything about yourself. Maybe if you weren't so attention hungry then Archie may still be alive." She spits, causing me to jump up onto my feet, ignoring the pain entirely.
"You don't get to say that to me." I say through gritted teeth.
I have felt guilty ever since the second I heard about Archie's passing, feeling like it was all my fault and now I feel like I've just been told for the first time again. Shock, denial and disbelief is what I'm feeling right now.
"Shit, Naddy. I'm sorry." She rushes out, only now realising the weight of what she just said.
I don't care one bit what she feels about me or her opinion of me is. She can say anything to me, I'm used to pain and suffering but if there is one thing I will never be okay with is her speaking about Archie in that way. I won't stand for it.
"You've just ruined any chance of forgiveness you could've gotten from me. I hope you're happy with ruining over a decade-long friendship." I say. I'm not angry anymore, I'm just hurt. Any mention of Archie brings me back to the reality of him not being here anymore.
"It's not like I'd want to be friends with you anyway. You're no fun anymore, all you do is sit and wallow in your own pity." She comments, gathering the last of her things.
"You knew that I was fragile but you did this to me anyway." I tell her. I could say that Archie would hate her for what she just said. I could say that she was never as good of a skater as I was but that would be stooping to her level and I can't bring myself to do that.
No matter how much someone hurts me I will always be the nice guy. I can't be mean because one day I will regret the things I say. It doesn't cost anything to keep cruel words to yourself no matter how much you want to voice them.
Maddy stares at me for a second before nodding at herself and walking out of the door. I hear my parents say a quick greeting to her before the front door closes and all of a sudden I feel really tired, like the universe has drained me of everything I have.