Shattered Dreams [EDITING] - Chapter 22: Chapter 22

COREY'S POV:
I make my way to Logan's house to meet up with the lads. When I get there I let myself in as they are expecting me and it's something we have always done with each other. As I walk in, Logan' dad is walking out of the kitchen to go to the living room and he greets me with a raise of his can of beer. "They're out back."
"Thank you, sir." I tell him and make my way outside to the shed, the smell of weed hitting me instantly.
"Look who finally decided to join us." Liam says and everyone says a mumbled greeting to me.
"Looks like you didn't waste any time getting high." I observe, taking a seat on the sofa wedging myself in between Willem and Nathan.
"Well, we weren't about to wait, god knows how long for you to get here." Logan chuckles, offering me a half smoked cigarette.
"No thanks." I decline, pushing his outstretched hand away and he almost drops the cigarette as he was only half paying attention.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not against weed and I do smoke it every now and then but I have to be in the right mood for it. I can't smoke it when my mind is going crazy, I know it's supposed to help calm people but for me it just makes me even more paranoid. If I smoke it right now then all the thoughts I'm having about Nadia would be too much to handle, especially since I'm sitting next to her very overprotective brother.
I want my mind to quiet for just a few moments, and it won't happen if I'm sitting in here with the smell of weed floating around suffocating me. If I could have a drink to settle the way my mind is going, I would but I can't drink because of training and I don't want to end up relying on it like my dad does. When my dad takes a bottle to his lips to feel okay, I find solace in being alone. I sometimes crave the freedom it brings. I can remember who I am and what I want without anything corrupting my mind, steering me away from who I want to be.
"Why are you late anyway?" Zack asks, prying into my personal life like always.
"He was at a meal." Willem inputs, patting his hand on my shoulder with a growing smirk on his face.
"If that's what we're calling it now." Nathan grins up at me from where he's slouched down on the sofa with his cigarette clenched between his teeth, causing me to roll my eyes and Willem to let out a startled laugh.
"You told him?" I ask Willem, slapping him on the back of his head in annoyance as Nathan has such a big mouth so anyone can now know.
"No, he was looking at my phone." Willem defends.
I believe him when he says that, as Nathan is quite literally the nosiest person I have ever met. I don't really care if he knows or not, it's just something I don't want Nadia to hear about because I know for a fact it'll hurt her and I just want to forget it ever happened myself because I am deeply regretting it.
"Of course he was," I roll my eyes and accept the can of coke that's being handed to me by Logan but he pulls it back just before I can clasp my hand around it. "What the fuck?"
"Uh, uh. You tell us about it or no can of coke for you." Logan says, and I shake my head. You would think that this hockey team is full of fifteen year olds with how they are interested in my sex life. I suppose boys will be boys.
I am incredibly thirsty and have been since I've had that waitress's mouth around my cook but I could just easily get up and get my own drink from the mini fridge but my leg is still in pain from the fall I took during training yesterday.
"Well, how was it?" Liam chimes in and everyone is suddenly silent, paying attention to the conversation, needing to know all about it apparently.
"Fucks sake guys, you are all in sufferable. But it was nice, I guess." I almost stutter, grabbing the can out of Logan's hand so I can finally have my drink.
"It was nice, you guess?" Willem repeats my words back to me and I nod in response. I'm not about to go into detail with him about how when receiving head off of this random girl I was having thoughts of his sister to help me enjoy it more.
"Can't have been that good then." Zack says with a hint of disappointment, as if he was the one receiving it.
"It was okay." I say, trying to stop the conversation revolving around my sex life.
When people see me they will assume that as the captain of the hockey team I am the most sexually active one, when in reality i'm not. So, when i to have sexual relations with people the boys want to hear all about it because they are nosey and they never really hear anything about stuff like that from me.
I still have sex, I just prefer to en more private about it than they do. Sex isn't just a thing to brag about for me, it's something personal and I don't want to just do it for the fun of it anymore, it doesn't seem right. As much as I hate to admit it, I want it to be Nadia I have it with from now on.
She's got me fucking whipped with just a small kiss.
I look around at my teammates and see them all with puffy bloodshot eyes and them having a good time. I like moments like there's, where we don't have to worry about the games and we can just be ourselves and a normal group of friends without coach nagging us.
"Where's Jasper?" I question them after noticing his presence is missing.
"He's not here?" Finn asks, only now taking his eyes off the hockey game playing on the flat screen.
"Yeah man, did you not notice how little moaning there's been?" Liam says, causing me and Willem to bark out a laugh.
"It has been awfully quiet." Finn shrugs, turning his attention back to the game.
"Where is he?" I ask curiously to Willem. I don't care that he's not here missing this, although it would be beneficial for the team if he was here. I'm bothered about the fact he could be with Nadia right now. After the moment Nadia and I shared, the thought of her and him spending time together and possibly getting back together makes bile rise up the back of my throat.
"Probably with Noddy." Logan answers, rolling another cigarette. I'm surprised that the guy can even skate daily on the ice without getting out of breath with the amount he smokes.
"He's not." Willem interrupts before I could get all defensive and ask any questions.
"Where is he then?" I ask, trying not to sound too eager to know.
"What do you care?" He asks, narrowing his eyes at me.
"I don't," I take a sip of my coke. "It's just I didn't go further with that waitress to get here so he must have a good excuse."
It's a shit lie but I know Willem won't look further into it, he doesn't care enough about things to do that. With the way he's had a frown on his face ever since Jasper's name was mentioned I get a sense that he's ready to talk about whatever is in his mind about him.
Willem looks around the room, making sure that the other guys aren't paying attention and leans into our little group. "He's gone away for the weekend," Is all he says and none of us question him about it until he decides to speak up again. "With Maddy."
We all suck in a breath and I clench my fists as anger boils up inside of me. "What do you mean he's away with Maddy? Are those two even close?" Nathan interrogates, getting angry too.
Nadia may be Willem's sister but we do all care for her like she is one of us. She's always been around for games, training and anything in between. Her presence has been missed greatly over the past few months.
"We didn't think so, but Nads caught them out. Maddy stayed around ours last night and her phone woke Nadia up." Willem begins and Zack cuts in.
"And let me guess, it was Jasper that was calling her?
"Yep. Did you know about it?" Willem asks Zack, his eyes narrowing again.
"No mate, I swear. As close as I am to Jasper, I don't rant to see Nadia get hurt." He defends, and I believe him. Willem only asked because Zack is the closest out of all of us to Jasper but he is still loyal to us.
"He's such a twat," Liam says through gritted teeth. "Speaking of Noddy, how is she doing?"
Like I said, we all care about her here.
"She's still not great, she went to the rink this morning actually," Willem responds, putting the last of his cigarette in the ashtray. He's started to dissociate whenever Nadia is bought up now, it's like he is that worried about her he gets too caught up in his own head to even begin talking about it anymore. "She'll be fine soon though, she always is." He says, more to himself than us, as if he's trying to convince himself that it's the truth.
"Yeah, she's always fine." Nathan repeats with a smirk, earning a smack on the back of his head from both Willem and I. Willem looks at me in appreciation but it was more for selfish reasons, he can't be speaking about my girl like that.
Fuck, she's not even my girl, she's probably lying in bed wallowing in her thoughts about Jasper.
"Fuck off, No," Willem mumbles and Nathan holds his hands up in defence. "You know what's sad though?"
"What is?" Liam, Logan, Nathan, Zack and I all say in unison.
"To sit around and watch that girl love the world and other people so much." He admits, not looking us in the eyes.
"Why, Willem?" Nathan asks, suddenly growing serious and we all lean into the conversation.
"Because what has the world given her? Look at where she is now and no one has ever loved her the way she loves them, apart from Archie." He states and we all flinch a little at the mention of Archie.
We as a team are all still hurt about the passing of Archie, but that doesn't compare to what Nadia must be feeling. He was her best friend and she was his, we can never fully understand what that must be like for her. The courage that it takes for her to just get out of bed each day to face the same things as the previous is infinite.
When it comes to Nadia, I am trying my absolute hardest not to act how I feel. I need to start learning how to keep my distance from her as I know I will never get to have her the way I've always wanted.
"She's always been delicate, she was never ready for what was to come her way, for what she's been through but she got through losing Archie, she can get through anything and she will." Logan says, he's always been so incredible at comforting people.
"Thanks man," Willem offers him a small smile which is soon replaced by a scowl. "It's a good thing Jasper isn't here because my knuckles and his nose will be broken."
"They are only on a weekend anyway, he probably didn't ask Noddy because of everything she has going on right now, I wouldn't look too much into it." Zacks inputs, defending Jasper and Maddy.
"He fucking cheated on her," Willem shouts, standing up getting right in Zack's face. "And then Maddy had the cheek to turn around and tell my sister that she deserved it. So you tell me not to look too much into it again."
"Woah lads, what's going on?" Finn says and he and the other lads who were watching the game rush over to us.
"Nothing." Both Zack and Willem say at the same time and Willem rushes out of the shed in a hurry and I stride after him.
I find him outside sitting on the bench and I take a seat next to him, without saying anything. We stay in silence and I just stay with him until he feels he is calmed down enough to speak about whatever is going on inside of his head.
"I just want all of this to be over." He says, wiping at his eyes. Willem wears his emotions on his sleeves, he has a hard time hiding them and I'm jealous of him in that sense. I wish people knew how I really felt about certain situations so they don't make it worse.
"I know you do." I say as there's nothing much else I can really say. I can't turn around and say to him that it will be over soon as that is something that no one will ever know, or something that will be very likely. But I can support him and be here for him no matter what, that's the best I can do right now.
"Things were so different two years ago." He states and I just nod as there's nothing to say.
Two years ago we still had Archie around, the team's only focus was hockey matches and winning, Nadia was the best figure skater the rink has seen in decades. It's crazy how all that can change without us even seeing it coming.
Two years ago we were all so much happier, so carefree and we had what felt like all the time left in the world to do what we wanted to but it's not the same anymore.
As much of a simple question, "are you happy is?" It's such a hard question for me to answer. No matter how difficult it is for me to answer, I will always say the easy answer of yes. I feel like I should be happy because I have friends, a career, I go out and have fun which is a luxury that not everyone gets to have. Things for me could be worse than what they are so the answer should be yes. But there are moments where I'm alone in my room trying to sleep where the thoughts get too much, where things are just too much to deal with and I feel so worthless. I'm just forever questioning if I really am happy at all.
"Are you happy Willem?" I ask him.
"I'm utterly miserable, H." He responds, looking at me in the eyes now.
"Yeah, me too." I reply honestly so we both let out a short laugh at our pain instead of crying about it.
"Well, we better head back inside or they'll think we are fucking again." He claims, walking back to the shed and leaving his phone behind.
I pick up his phone and stand up to follow him back inside but it starts vibrating in my hands and I check it on instinct in case it's something revolving around Nadia.
Nadia: I need you. Please come home.
He can't deal with the stress of his sister's needs on top of what is going on in his head right now so I delete her text and go back to going inside. When I do, I find him perched on the edge of the sofa with another cigarette in between his lips.
"Good fuck?" Ben asks, with a mouth full of crisps.
"Delightful." I nod in response.
"You left that outside." I tell Willem as I approach him.
"Thanks." He mutters, taking the phone off me.
"I'm going to go home." I announce to the lads, putting my jacket back on.
"Want me to take you?" Willem offers but I shake my head, taking my keys out of my pocket and waving them at him like a dog treat.
"Nice." He smiles, focussing back on his cigarette.
I feel guilty for deleting the text message but I want to be here for Willem as well as Nadia so if helping her takes even a little bit of stress off of him then I will do that.