Shattered Dreams [EDITING] - Chapter 25: Chapter 25

NADIA'S POV:
It was hard admitting to Corey that I think the chances of my future in skating are gone completely. It was the first time I've said it out loud and Corey is the last person I thought I would be opening up to about it. It was also the first time I've really admitted it to myself as it's not something that anyone really will ever want to come to terms with.
I don't know how I feel about it yet but right now it certainly isn't great. I've spent my whole life working towards this one thing and I have only just realised it will never happen. Oh well, I'll get over it and find something else eventually I hope.
In my mind I'm making myself feel better by telling myself that I had no choice but to tell him. I just needed to let it out and he was here and he has a way of making me be able to tell him things without me really wanting to. Corey is a tricky person to deal with, he is so infuriating. When he isn't here pushing his way into my life, he is invading my thoughts like an infection you can't get rid of.
Corey is just like my Tonsillitis; painful, irritating and won't leave me the hell alone.
"Really?" Corey asks me and I just stare at him blankly. "Right, yes, of course."
What does he think? I am saying all this for the fun of it because I wanted some pity. It seems to be that's all that people think of me these days.
"I want you to come somewhere with me." He says, taking my hand from me but I pull it back, not wanting his burning touch on me any longer than it has to be.
"I'm not going anywhere with you." I tell him, crossing my arms over my chest.
"Why not?" He asks, doing the same and crossing his arms over his chest in retaliation.
"You have done enough, now go home. I feel better already." I say, packing the paints back up so that I can put them back where I found them in my dad's office. I know for a fact he won't care that I used them, he doesn't even use them himself but I just like the thought of keeping something from my parents. I know it's only me borrowing my father's paints but it makes me feel like I'm sneaking around almost, which helps me feel like a normal teenager. I used to do a lot worse when I was healthy but this is the most extravagant thing I've done in months, other than running off to the ice rink this morning.
"No." Is all he responds with.
"No?" I ask him and he says nothing. "What do you mean no?"
"What I mean is, you are going to put on some proper clothes and come with me," He responds, taking the paints off of my desk. "Where do these go?"
"My dad's office," I reply and he walks out of the room and I chase after him at the fastest pace I can. "Come back here." He pays me no attention, he just carries on his way to my dad's office. I seemed to have forgotten that he knows his way around this house like the back of his hand, considering that he is here more than his actual home.
"Why are you never at your own house?" I ask him as we walk into the office, the light still on from when I was last in here.
"Which cupboard do they go in?" He asks, ignoring my previous question and I take them off him, putting them at the back of the cupboard where I found them.
We leave the office in silence, and I remember to turn the light off this time, and we walk back to my room, him walking faster than me so when I walk through the door I see him pulling clothes out of my drawers.
"You are so invasive. I've already told you I'm not going anywhere with you." I say in a breathy voice, the pain from that small work becoming almost unbearable.
"You're calling me invasive, as if you didn't ask me why I'm never home." He replies, opening another one of my draws.
"That is my underwear drawer." I yelp, slamming the drawer shut before he can open it too far to see inside it.
"No fair, let me back in." He pleads sarcastically and hands me the clothes he's picked out for me.
"Answer my question and I just might," I retort back to him. "Turn around."
He turns around and I sit down on the bed and get changed into the leggings and oversized pink hoodie he picked out for me. I don't really know why I'm getting changed as I have no idea where he wants to take me but I did it anyway/ I sure hope he has a good plan because I am not wasting all of this time and energy on nothing.
"I need a break from home sometimes, that's all." He admits, not opening up about it in the slightest.
"Why? What's so bad about it?" I ask him and stand up from the bed just to see him staring at my notebook with intensity.
"My dad gets mean and my mum...well, she's just a lot to deal with that's all." He confesses and I walk over to him, taking the notebook out of his eyesight, putting it back under my pillow where it belongs.
"So you think coming here and seeing me is the better option?" I question him and he sighs, taking my scarf and hat from the back of my door.
"I don't come here for you," He states bluntly and embarrassment floods through my veins and I feel my cheeks heat, he smiles at me, wrapping the black scarf with stars on around my neck. "Not all of the time anyway."
"Don't lie to me, I know you just use Willem to get to me." I joke and he laughs, taking my hand and leading me out of my bedroom.
"You're funny," He says, leading me down the stairs one by one. "Will you be okay going out?"
"I don't have much of a choice do I?" I state. I'm already changed so it would be a shame to not go out now, I have already made it this far, what's wrong with pushing through some more? I have done a lot today so it's a good thing I have no doctor's appointments coming up this week so I can spend my time sleeping and getting over doing this much exercise.
"You always have a choice with me." Is all he says before grabbing my coat off of the coat rack.
I choose not to say anything because I don't know what I can really say to that and just allow him to help me put my coat on. It's refreshing to see how caring he is being, it's not something that is seen from Corey very often. It's nice to know that even he hs a caring side. He could be out smoking with his teammates, preparing for the game but instead here he is because I sent my brother a simple text message saying that I needed him.
That has to count for something, right?
"Can you tell me where we are going yet? It's dark out so I better let my parents know." I inform him, looking out the window. It's winter season so it gets really cold and gets dark before we have even eaten our dinner. I love winter so much, the stars and moon are always more visible and we can sit and watch them for longer.
I'm glad of the darkness that comes with the winter as the sight of the stars make me dream and when I look up at them I feel like all of my dreams have been answered. I haven't been able to look at the stars properly since everything has happened as I can't handle the stars not having the answer for me like they always have before. The stars also make me think of Archie, which is something I don't want to do right now as I miss him terribly and thinking about him leads me to think about everything else that's going wrong in my life, such as Jasper and Maddy, and I cannot handle all of that emotion right now.
I just need to focus on getting better. That's all that matters right now and I hate that Corey is starting to weasel his way into mattering to me. I need to be focused on myself but he is making is so fucking difficult.
"Don't worry about all that, I've already sent them a text. They told me to keep you safe." He says but I sense some hesitation there.
"What else did they say?" I ask, walking towards him slowly, ignoring the pain again as he puts his own coat on.
"What? Oh, nothing." He lies, toying with his fingers in front of him.
"You're lying." I counter.
"They wanted me to tell you to take your crutches with you." He admits hesitantly.
"No."
"Dia, don't you think you should?" He asks, looking down at the way my legs are shaking even as I'm leaning up against the wall.
"No, I don't. Now are you ready?" I ask him, making my way to the front door, handing him his keys he left on the chest of drawers.
I agree with them in thinking I should be bringing my crutches because my legs are awful today after skating and because I don't know what Corey has plans and if those plans will involve walking. Corey seems to know better than that though and would force me to take them with me if need be.The fact he's not pushing me on it is a good sign, or a sign that he doesn't want to fight me on this because it's my body and I'm the only one that can be in the right about it. I get to make my own decisions.
I hope my parents don't tell Willem that I am going to be alone with Corey, or at least I hope I'm not alone with Corey because I already know that leads to bad things such as my lips on his. Whenever I'm alone with him it feels like the end of the world as I act so irrationally and no measure of time will ever be enough in his presence.
We get into his car and about five minutes into the journey I ask him where he's taking me but he won't give up an answer, which is really infuriating. "Did you hear about Maddy and Jasper going away together?"
"I did." He informs me, turning onto a less busy road. I don't know how he can be so effortlessly beautiful, even when driving in the dark with only the lights of the oncoming traffic to illuminate his face for me to see it more clearly.
"What do you think about it all?" I ask him as he pulls into a carpark packed with cars and people. I look out the window, angling my head left to right to try and get a view of what's going on but I can't seem to see anything because there is so many people. Whatever it is looks well lit up though.
"I think they should both be shot." He tells me and I laugh.
"No Corey, seriously?" I ask as I want his opinion on it.
"Well, I think that someone who supposedly values you as a person wouldn't put themselves in a position to lose you." He notifies me and I sigh, leaning my head against the window wanting nothing more than for it to swallow me whole and to suck me back out brand new, with no pain or baggage.
"I regret asking you that." I tell him, forcing myself to pick my head back up.
"Why? Because I always say the right thing?" He smirks and I offer him a small smile because he is right but I won't ever use my words to admit that out loud.
I hate that I'm bringing up my ex boyfriend when I'm in the car with the man who I kissed only a few hours ago. I wish I could shut the part of my brain off that likes to think about Jasper as all I want is to forget about him and Maddy and what they did to me. Especially right now when my thoughts should solely be all about the guy sitting to my right.
"Where are we?" I ask him, not wanting to talk about that any longer and too tired to sit in the car waiting anymore.
The thing about me is that I hate waiting, it somehow makes me feel even more exhausted. I tend to just want to rip off the band-aid fully and get everything over with at once. Learning how to pace myself is hard. I just want to be able to do things at a normal pace like everyone else so I expect my body to be able to do that too. No matter how many times I get a reality check with it, I will never learn because I don't want it to be a reality. So, essentially I'm stuck.
"Let's get out and we can find out." He tells me, stepping out of the car and walking around to my side to open the car door for me like a gentleman. I go to move my legs out but my right knee gets locked in the position it was in as I hadn't moved it in a while and so I can't move it straight away. Corey holds his hand out, offering for me to take it and I do. With my other hand, I lift my calf up until I hear the crack in my knee and then move my legs with my arms successfully without it locking this time.
I pull myself up using Corey's arm and hope that he didn't notice the way my leg locked from something as simple as getting out of the car but with the way he is looking at me with sympathy in his eyes, I can tell he noticed. I can never fully hide anything from him.
We follow the crowd of people and walk along a pathway through trees that are lit up by fairy lights. I look around at the other people dressed in their winter attire too and see the majority of them holding hands and looking very close to one another. I look from the couple walking in front of us to mine and Corey's still conjoined hands and think way too much into it than I should. He is holding my hand to help me walk because I didn't bring the crutches like he said I should and I am hobbling after only a few strides.
"Is this a date?" I blurt out and Corey stops walking for a second due to the shock of my question but he quickly recovers and starts walking again, slowing down his pace this time so that I can keep up without rushing myself.
I believe that Corey thinks I don't notice these small things he does to assist me, but I do. It's hard not to when all you have to entertain yourself is notice the way people act around you, the way people walk on eggshells around you.
"It's just that all the lights make this seem very romantic and all the couples here." I stumble out like word vomit. I hate that I just asked him if it was a date. We both agreed that the kiss never happened and was a mistake so I need to start taking that into consideration.
"Nadia?" He says and I nod. "Just shut up."
I go to respond but he just gives me a look as if to suggest that isn't a good idea at all. I want to ask him how long there is left to walk to get where we need to go but I don't want to admit to him that I am in agony, even though he clearly already knows because he keeps stopping every few seconds to 'look at something.'
Shortly after we walk through a wooden gate and the other people start spreading out so I get a clearer look at where we are going. We are by a lake but that lake is lit up by hundreds of different Chinese lanterns. There are lanterns floating up into the sky, with dozens of people setting them off one by one on the ground. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, they look like stars the further they float away into the night sky.
We walk towards the lake where the lanterns in the sky are reflecting off of the water and I look down to it, seeing my reflection looking back at me with an orange tint from the candle light. I look happy. For once I look truly happy, I don't see the bags under my eyes and the candles from the lanterns are making my eyes sparkle like a newly lit flame.
"You brought me to a lantern festival?" I ask him and he smiles whilst looking around at the view, the same lantern lighting up his face for me to see.
"I did. I know It's something you have always wanted to do. It's on your bucket list." He says, crouching down to pick up one of the lanterns floating on the water.
"How did you know it was on my bucket list?" I ask him astonished and he just gives me a look as if to say I'm stupid. I ask him very obvious questions all the time, as if he doesn't know who I am as a person but he does. He has known me for the majority of my life, of course he is going to know things about me no matter how close we have or haven't been over the years of knowing one another.
"I'm going to pretend you didn't just ask that. Now, I want you to take this and write down your biggest dream." He tells me, handing me the piece of card and pen that was attached to the lantern he just picked up.
"Why?" I question and he ignores me as he writes something on his own piece of card. I want to peek over to see what he is writing but I don't like the idea of him writing something that isn't related to me. I want to be his dream, or at least a part of it. I need a new one myself anyway as the whole ice skating thing didn't work out.
I think back to my painting as I write ice skating on the card and wait for Corey to make the first move. He takes his card and places it back on the card holder and I copy his actions, crouching down to do so. He offers me another hand and i take it, unsure on whether I will be able to get up or not and before I try he offers his other hand for me to use to and as soon as I place my hand in his, he pulls me up.
He picks up my lantern for me as well as his own and walks to the dock, where there are no trees around that the lantern can set fire to. It shouldn't be safe setting off these things on a wooden dock but I guess everyone is cautious about it and nothing bad has happened yet.
He checks what I wrote and nods as if he's satisfied and then when I go to look at his he pulls it away. "If you get to look at mine, I get to look at yours. It's only fair."
"That's not how this works, sweetheart," He remarks and I step back defeated. "I'm going to set mine off first and then we can do yours."
I watch as he pulls the lighter out of his pocket and sets the candle alight and then lifts it up into the cool night air. He then lights the candle of my lantern and then whispers next to me, "You know why we are doing this yet?"
I shake my head. I have an idea about what his plan is here but I need to hear him say it because until I hear it out loud it won't be true. His voice and words are the only confirmation I need.
"You need to let your dreams go, Nadia." He vocalises as he holds the lantern with me, letting it go. My lantern follows in the path of his and other lanterns as they make their way up to the night sky.
"There we go, I'm letting my dreams go." I admit, tears forming in my eyes as I watch my dreams burn their way up to the stars. I watch the lanterns cast a cloud over the stars, almost protecting them as they embark on their journey towards them.
"You okay?" Corey asks me, putting an arm around my shoulder as I lean on the fence for balance. I need balance because my body is tired and aching but also because I am overwhelmed. This is the exact feeling I was painting in my room an hour ago and Corey has helped me come to terms with it.
"Yeah, I am. I was just thinking about how beautiful all of this is." I answer, still staring upwards at the candle lights flickering.
"Isn't it just?" Corey admits, resting his head on the top of mine.
"I feel Archie here, looking down on me." I confess, hoping I don't seem crazy for feeling the presence of a dead person.
"Yeah? Do you feel him often?" Corey does the opposite of what I thought he would again and understands. I need to stop underestimating him, it's just so weird to see.
"I feel him all the time, especially in moments where I feel like this."
"Feel like what?" He asks.
"I don't know? Sad but content?" I acknowledge.
I look back up to the sky, unable to tell which one is my lantern anymore as they have all blended together in the distance. "I know that nothing lasts forever, I just thought I would have more time."
When I say this I am talking about both figure skating and Archie. You never know the last moments you will have with someone or the last time you will do an axel and you take that for granted, I certainly did. But I will try not to mope around about it anymore. I need to learn to be okay.
I will be okay, but I will never be that version of me again.
"Forever is for the memories. Not for you and Archie, or you and skating." Corey says softly. He is right, the memories are what last forever, they follow you when you die and even that gives me a little bit of peace. Skating is never coming back to me now, I let those dreams go and all I need to do now is try and learn how to be okay with that.
I turn to Corey and whisper, "Thank you."
I feel an overwhelming sadness filter its way into my body, disguising the way it's in pain and I take it as an opportunity to go on my tip toes and kiss him. He kisses back almost as soon as my lips touch his, as if he was expecting it. I don't pull away this time, I just live in the moment, wanting nothing more than for this moment right here to last forever. His lips are cold from the weather but make me feel warm inside, almost like electricity.
I can't help the fact my mind drifts to the lantern as I kiss him. I never knew a small lantern could have such an impact on me and my dreams. It was time to let it all go but I won't forget the way I have loved it or all the precious memories it has given me. I won't forget that it was the one thing that could comfort me through anything. My heart will always cherish the ice. I will always love skating, even though I had to let it go. That won't change.
Our lips finally part and I rest my fingers on his, "You're my new dream, Corey." I whisper against his lips so quietly I'm not sure he could even hear it.