Shattered Dreams [EDITING] - Chapter 26: Chapter 26

COREY'S POV:
"Come on then." I tell her and we begin making our way back to the car.
I don't know if I overstepped with what I planned tonight but I can see that she needed and appreciate it nonetheless. I know that Nadia is a determined woman and she will make sure she skates one day but she needed to let her dream go to be able to move on. I'm not saying she will move on entirely but letting it go is a start.
Her pace slows down and I can tell that she's in pain so I slow down to match her speed too. When we were coming the other way on the path I kept stopping to look at different things just to give her a few moments to regain herself without it looking too obvious to her.
Her legs wobble and so I crouch down in front of her. "Come on."
"What?" She questions, looking me up and down.
"I am going to give you a piggyback," I tell her and she shakes her head. "I'm not taking no for an answer."
"Fine." She mumbles, putting her hands on my shoulders and I hook my arms around her legs.
"One, two, three." I chant, pulling her up onto my back on three with ease.
I walk like this, holding her in place on my back in silence until we get to the car. I know she was silent because she was overwhelmed, she was moving her head ever so slightly, looking around at all the stars and all the lanterns. Not to get sappy or anything but it was genuinely one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.
I was going to write one thing on my lantern but I completely went against it when I was in the moment. I put it in my pocket instead of letting it leave with the lantern because I wasn't ready to let my dream go. I don't need to let mine go anyway, tonight was about Nadia, not me.
After all, Chinese lanterns symbolise letting go of your past self and getting a new one. I heard Nadia when she said I was her new dream. I didn't respond because I know she didn't mean for me to hear that, not really. But I still heard it nonetheless, so I will help her to achieve that dream no matter what. Whether it is just being there for her every now and then or something else, I will do whatever she wants. She deserves to have a constant in her life.
It takes a while getting out of the car park as it's only a small one and she is quiet so I think she has fallen asleep already but I stand corrected when she speaks. "Maybe tonight was the start."
"The start of what?" I ask her and she offers a small smile, closing her eyes and resting her tired head on the window. As I'm waiting for another car to pull out of its parking space, I reach around my seat to get to my hockey bag and search around in it for my hockey jersey. Once I get it I lift her head away from the window softly and place my jersey in between her and the window to make a cushion for her. I want her to be as comfortable as possible.
"Thanks." She murmurs, moving around a little so she can get more comfortable and a rush of nerves settle in my stomach as I'm sure that was the most adorable thing she has ever done. "Oh, and like today was supposed to be the day we start our new lives, you know?"
I take in her words and smile to myself as I exit the car park. That girl has a way of dreaming and seeing the positives in any situation and she simply just gets me like no one else. I've known Willem forever and have spoken to him everyday since I have met him yet he still doesn't even understand me sometimes.
I stay quiet the whole way to Nadia's house and so does she as she's fast asleep next to me. I park up on her driveway and notice that Willem's car isn't here so he must still be at Logan's house. I know that when I am at the next game I will regret not staying there longer but I wanted to be with Nadia, hockey can wait.
I know that hockey is my whole future, it's all I have ever worked towards my whole life but Nadia is my now and I believe that she will have a significant place in my future too, not just as my best friend's younger sister.
After I park up I get out of the car as quietly as I can in an effort to not wake Nadia up as I know she needs her sleep, she's done more than enough today. I go round to the passenger side and open her door, take her seatbelt off and pick her up in my arms instead of giving her a piggy-back this time as she is still fast asleep. She didn't even stir once,
which just shows how tired she truly is.
I walk in her house without knocking as it's something I have always done here and I do it all without making too much noise. I don't want to startle her parents, or her. I walk up the stairs and her parents see me from where they are sitting cuddled up together on the sofa and they make a move to come up to us but I shake my head at them, which they understand.
I know it's not my place to tell Nadia's parents to back off from her and that wasn't what I was doing, I was simply telling them that Nadia is asleep and will be for a while before she wakes up in pain. They know that when I come back down and run into them again that I will tell them what we did and how she was. Right now I think they are glad to get some time to themselves and Nadia getting out of the house and being herself for a bit.
Her parents needed some time where they didn't have to talk in low voices about their daughter's condition, where they could have fun in their home without feeling guilty that Nadia is unable to join in. I know the guilt, I feel it everyday but you have to live your life too when you are in that situation. You can't stop living your life just because someone's life has been put on pause, but the thing with Nadia is that what she is going through literally is affecting everyone around her and there is no bigger guilt than what she must be feeling.
We are all watching Nadia as her whole life falls apart around her and all we can do is stare blankly as it happens. There is nothing we can do to help, no words or actions could ever make up for the loss she is going through. She isn't just experiencing the loss of Archie, Jasper and Maddy, it's her skating career and essentially her whole life. Her whole world has been trapped underwater and there is no way for her to get her head above water.
I go to her room and look in Willem's open bedroom door on the way just in case he caught a ride home with someone else as he was a little high, but I don't see him there. I gently place her down on her unmade bed and pull the duvet back over her chest. I send Willem a quick text asking him where he is and what time he thinks he will be back because I want to know how long I can stay with Nadia. I don't care if she is asleep the whole time, I want to be here for her in case anything happens. I am very protective over her as she has been nothing but good to the world and yet has received this as punishment for doing nothing wrong at all.
Willem sends me a text back almost straight away saying that he thinks he will stay at Logan's place and I breathe out a sigh of relief as I don't have to worry about the possibility of him coming back home at any minute now.
I look in Nadia's room for her painkillers and can't find them so I make my way back downstairs and to their kitchen to find them in the medicine cabinet. When I enter the kitchen I see Samantha at the cooker, stirring something in a saucepan.
"What are you making me tonight, Mrs M?" I ask her, looking over her shoulder and into the pot.
"I'm just making some dumpling soup for Nadia but I suppose you'll be staying for some as well?" She asks with a smile and when I nod she smiles even more which is weird. She's a friendly woman and is like a mother to me but she is never this smiley about me staying over for dinner, and I have had dinner here a lot.
"Have you poisoned the food?" I ask her curiously, causing her to laugh.
"No Corey. What are you looking for?" She queries as I'm looking through her medicine cabinet, unable to find what Nadia needs.
"Pain killers for Nads." I reply and she reaches behind the back of the microwave, pulling out a box of tablets.
"We hide them. You know, just in case." She shrugs her shoulders.
I knew that they were worried about Nadia's mental health with all this but I didn't know that they were literally hiding the tablets from her just so she can't take too many of them if she wanted to. It's a good idea because it will save Nadia if she ever gets to that point but I feel like it's just another thing she feels like her parents can't trust her with.
"Yeah, I get that." I agree and I pour Nadia a glass of water.
"Did you have a nice time tonight?"
"I did yeah. I think she did too, it was something she really needed." I tell her and she nods in agreement.
"Is she feeling okay? Mentally and physically?" Samantha asks me, dishing up the dumpling soup and getting out an extra bowl for me to have.
"I think she is drained both mentally and physically but I think tonight helped ease what was going on in her head. I'm not sure though," I admit, taking two of the painkillers out of the box so Samantha can hide them behind the microwave again. "Obviously physically she's shit because she walked so much."
"I told you to make her take her crutches." Samantha sighs, pulling my bowl away from me as I was about to take it off her.
"I did try. I wasn't about to force her to do something she wasn't comfortable doing yet," I frown, holding my hands out for the bowl and she gives it to me. I would eat after I have seen to Nadia and her needs but she is sleeping so by eating first, I don't have to disturb her sleep even earlier than I have to. Now, my attention can be on Nadia the whole night without getting distracted. "This is good, Mrs M."
Samantha cleans up the kitchen as I finish my food and she hides the tablets again, looking at me with guilt. If she expects me to say something, I won't. This is not my business and I will not overstep my boundaries. Yes, my priority is looking after Nadia right now but I am not going to question the way her parents go about looking after her. She is their daughter after all, I'm just Willem's friend.
I swill my bowl out in the sink and put it in the dishwasher. Samantha already put everything I need to take up with me on a tray so it's easier. As I go to pick it up, she stops me by placing her hand on my arm.
"You're very good to my Willem." She confesses, putting her hand to my cheek now. I would be weirded out if this woman isn't someone who has always been affectionate with me. She has said that she sees me as another son she never got to have. After Nadia, she was unable to have anymore kids so my presence in her life makes her feel better about that. She did always say she wanted two boys and a girl.
"I'm not doing it for Willem." I admit, assuming she is on about the fact I am helping Nadia as much as I am.
"I know you're not, my love, but they don't" She remarks, talking about Nadia and Willem.
Willem doesn't even know I'm here or that I even have any more understanding about what's up with Nadia than what he has told me. I hope Nadia knows that I am here for her and not because of her brother. I wouldn't put this much effort into caring about her if it was just to impress Willem. I was a dick at the start of all this to both Nadia and Willem, now that I understand I can make up for that.
At this point, I don't care if Willem gets mad at me or hates me for being here with her. She needs a friend who isn't a family member. She needs someone who she feels like isn't just helping her because it's their duty by being related to her.
Samantha seems to compose herself, letting go of my face and I pick up the tray and make my way back upstairs to Nadia's room where I find her still asleep in the same position I left her in.
I don't know what to do with myself, whether to wake her up so she can eat and take her tablets or just wait until she wakes up herself. But I choose to wake her up as I don't know how long she will be asleep. If I wake her up now then she can eat when her food is still warm and so her painkillers can settle in for when she goes to sleep properly.
I gently tap at her but she doesn't stir, so I splash her face with a little bit of the water from the glass I just poured downstairs. She flinches a little but makes no move to wake up so I go to her weak spot. Her feet. I place the tray down on her dressing table and lift the end of her duvet up slightly and run my fingers along the bottom of her feet, causing her to wake up immediately at the feeling.
She has always had very ticklish feet and it's something I have been using against her ever since we were kids.
"What?" She looks around her room oblivious to the fact I'm standing here, before her eyes eventually land on me. "Corey? When did we get home?"
"About an hour ago," I shrug and I see wetness start building in her eyes. "Please don't cry, Nadia. I don't know how to deal with that."
She nods, not saying a word. I have no idea how she feels. All I know is that she is in pain and very fatigued. I also know that she must be terrified, she falls asleep and doesn't know what time it is. She is missing so much of her life because she is sleeping and she doesn't know when she got home.
I hand her the glass of water and two pills, which she takes and then I hand her the bowl. She looks at me blankly for a moment before beginning to eat her food. I'm good at reading eyes and reading Nadia, yet I have no clue what she is thinking about as she looks at me.
I close her blinds as I forgot to do so when I brought her in and take a seat on the edge of her bed as she eats her food slowly. "Thanks for this, but you can go now."
"After you've eaten, I'll go." I compromise, to which she doesn't put up much of a fight.
As I look at Nadia sitting there very clearly in pain eating her food without complaining about it once, I see that she is as wonderful as the stars. When I look at the stars, I don't point out how some are less bright, or smaller than the others. The stars are a perfect example of Nadia; she is one of the faded stars, yet she shines just as bright as the rest of us.
She finishes eating, lying down in her bed once again and I take the bowl off the bed, putting it on the tray to take back downstairs. "Goodnight, Nadia." I say, and open her bedroom door to leave. It's then when I feel something touch my arm. I look down and see Nadia's arm outstretched, touching me with her looking up at me with sorrow filled eyes.
"Stay?" She asks, almost helplessly as if she didn't want to ask me to stay at all but something came over her.
"You sure?" I question and she nods, carefully sliding herself over to the other side of the bed.
I sigh and put the tray back down and get into bed next to her. I feel awkward almost, I don't know what to do with myself so I turn around onto my side and face her and her eyes are closed but I don't think she is asleep just yet.
This is the first time I have been in the same bed as Nadia and although we aren't doing anything I feel guilty almost. I feel guilty because I want to touch her, hold her and kiss her. I hate the way I'm starting to feel about her with every fibre of my being. I've never felt like this before and it's absolutely terrifying.
"Why do you keep kissing me?" She mumbles, her eyes still closed as if she can't face to see the reality of this conversation.
"Why do you keep allowing yourself to be kissed?" I bounce back and she opens her eyes, looking into mine now.
"I don't think we have ever been just friends, Corey." She confesses and it takes me back a little.
I have the girl who I have been confused by for years in front of me telling me that she doesn't think we are just friends, or ever were. I have always felt some sort of connection with her, but it's only getting stronger the longer she stays around me instead of Jasper.
"What do you want from me?" I ask her, confused as to where she is going with this conversation.
"I just want someone who won't give up on me when loving me gets hard." She reveals as if I haven't been right here in front of her this whole time. She's damaged, I get that but she needs to learn to let me in. I will never judge her situation, I understand what she is going through even though she doesn't realise that.
"I'm right here, Nads. I always have been." I reveal, practically offering her my heart in my hands.
"I can't be with you though. As much as I want too." She confesses, closing her eyes again.
"Why? Because of Willem?" I question her and she nods.
"And Jasper."
"Jasper is irrelevant in this. You're just scared about letting yourself be happy because you feel like it never lasts." I assume, causing her to flinch a little, indicating that I'm right.
"That may be so, but it doesn't take away from the fact my heart still aches." She says sadly.
She is saying her heart still aches. I'm unsure if that's because she is still in love with him or because what he did to her really damaged her. I would like to think that she is better than to kiss me whilst she is still in love with another man. She straight up said to me that She doesn't believe me and her have ever been just friends, so I need to stop getting so in my head about this girl.
She has been so damaged by Jasper, Maddy and just life in general that when I want her the love she deserves then she doesn't know how to accept it and it hurts to see.
Nadia and I are just two damaged people trying to heal each other.
"Is your brother and Jasper the only reason? Because you know we don't have to tell them." I offer, tucking a piece of rouge blonde hair behind her ear.
She shakes her head. "How can I be in a relationship when I'm like this Corey? Jasper already left me because I couldn't be a good girlfriend to him and you will end up doing the same." She assumes, shaking her head solemnly.
It breaks my heart that she feels this lowly of herself. That she feels like she isn't worthy of receiving love because she thinks there is something wrong with her. There is nothing wrong with her, or how I view her, she is just unwell and deserves nothing but love in the world.
"Nadia, for god's sake. Today, tomorrow forever, does that mean anything to you?" I ask, narrowing my eyes at her.
"Of course it does." She spits, eyes opening wide.
"Well then, two, two, four, I will be by your side. Please listen to me and take it in when I tell you that."
"I know. Please just wait for me to be ready, which I don't know I ever will be, this is hard for me." She says through a long sigh. She is right. She doesn't even know what is going on with her body as she doesn't have a diagnosis yet, so how can I expect her to understand what's going on with her heart when her physical health is taking all the focus.
"I won't beg you to be ready when you're not, just know that I am here for when you are." I admit out loud.
This is all unfamiliar territory for me, being so vocal about the way I'm feeling. It has all been bottled up inside of me for so long, even though I didn't know it at the time, that it almost feels good to let it out in the open to her. I constantly told myself that I was giving up on her and yet subconsciously, apparently I was still trying.
"You're my favourite friend, Corey." She admits through a small smile.
I smile back and look at her digital clock that says it's later than I thought it was. "You should've been asleep ages ago." I say as I turn her lamp off so it's dark in her room.
"You're the best reason to lose sleep." She slurs, the painkillers are very clearly starting to work now.
"You're getting awfully sappy on me." I chuckle.
"Shut up." She warns, rolling over on her otherside so that she's facing away from me and going to fall asleep properly this time.
I want to stay here, as Nadia asked me to stay and hasn't told me to leave yet but I also need to make sure I wake up and go to Willem's room before he gets back so that he doesn't find me in Nadia's bed. There have been numerous occasions over the years where I have slept in Willem's bed whilst he was out all night, he's used to coming home and finding me in his bed.
I stay lying down, staring at the back of Nadia's head in the dark until I'm sure she is asleep and won't stir. I get out of her bed and take the pillow from my side, putting it on the floor and then doing the same with the blanket that is on her chair.
"You're my favourite friend too, I'm just sorry I want you as more." I whisper, giving her a kiss on her forehead before getting as comfortable as I can under the blanket.