Shattered Dreams [EDITING] - Chapter 28: Chapter 28

NADIA'S POV:
Corey walks into my room, just like he never left in the first place. He walks up to me and takes my hand, guiding me out of my room, all without saying a word. I don't ask questions, I know better to do that now and I don't want to alarm my parents and Willem that he's here.
We walk through the house, still holding hands and walk out the front door, going to his car. I don't remember seeing my family so I wonder where they have gone but I don't think about it for long because it seems like a blur when we arrive at the ice rink.
He puts my skates on for me, then does his own and drags me on the ice with him. It's as we skate around the ice, holding hands that I realise I am not in pain. I would've thought it would be the first thing I noticed but as I am so used to the pain now, I didn't.
Corey and I skate around the ice, he lifts me up onto his shoulders with ease. Corey isn't a figure skater and I have never done paired skating before but what we are doing almost comes naturally to us.
Corey's arms start to wobble slightly, so he sets me down as he doesn't want me to fall, and neither do I. "Falling on the ice has always been my biggest fear."
"I don't believe that." Is all Corey says, the first thing he has said this whole time.
It's weird, I felt comfortable even when we weren't talking. It's like we knew what the other was saying without saying anything at all. It's the silence I crave sometimes; to be able to be in just eachothers company helps us be drawn closer together. It is said that the people who are most comfortable with each other are able to talk to each other without speaking. Corey and I pretend that we don't care for each other in front of others, but we know ourselves how we feel.
"Okay then I guess, losing skating is my biggest fear. Although, I already lost that so I don't know what else I could say." I respond, pulling him along the ice with me by both arms. My body feels good and I know I will face the repercussions of this later but it is worth it to be able to do the one thing I love the most, all without my body screaming at me.
"Try again." He says, sounding like a robot with his blunt responses.
"Okay, Corey, fine. Do you want to know what my biggest fear is?" I ask him, raising my voice slightly as I let go of his hands. "My biggest fear is for you to fucking see me the way that I see myself."
He takes a step back, shocked at my sudden anger, which I am shocked at as well. I never get angry because I refuse it. I never know when my last moments with someone are going to be, so I tread carefully with what I say to people. I don't want to live in guilt for the rest of my life because I got angry at a loved one. I constantly think about my last words with Archie, even though they were good. I can't imagine how I would feel if they were bad, I don't even want to think about it as the thought makes bile rise up in my throat.
Everything starts feeling hazy and my breathing starts to quicken as Corey turns into a blur in front of me. I gasp, choking on air and my eyes fling open, bringing me back to reality.
I sit up, clinging to my chest as I gasp for breath, looking around my room to see that there's daylight outside. Is it the same day, or the next? I never know anymore and it's terrifying.
I think back to the dream, in an effort to try and calm my breathing down. It was peaceful and there's nothing more I want than for that to be a reality, but it can't be. I want nothing more than to be healthy again, skating with Corey by my side. I've never tried paired skating but it's always been so beautiful to me.
Figure skating is a dangerous sport anyway, but adding a partner into the mix makes the risk of falling even higher. I know I'm a good skater. My coach, Mark, even wanted me to try paired skating but I refused, as I've always been too scared. I had a list of boys who I tried to skate with but it just wouldn't work. I could never trust them to lift me on the ice enough.
Paired skating has always been so beautiful to me. For them both to put their entire trust into each other, is one I can never begin to fathom.
Now that I think about it, even in my dreams, I find my way back to Corey.
I wish I could go back in time, to go back to before it all went wrong. When I was a girl who could be free, and live her life. Where Archie was alive, before life broke our hearts.
I lie back down on my pillow, turning my phone on since I've started turning it off at nights now and wait. I hate dramas that feel real because it's always hard to tell whether it was reality or not. They say that dreams that feel real are a look into the future at what will happen, but I doubt that.
When my phone turns on, all the notifications from Jasper come through. He tried to ring me numerous times last night, leaving me voicemails and texts. He must have been drunk. He always does this; we break up and then he has something to drink and soon comes running back. I won't stand for it this time, he messed up for real. I will not be taking him back.
I ignore the texts, not even reading them and put Jasper back into my do not disturb list so that I won't receive any notifications from him. It's not something I want to see. I don't want to read how much he loves me or cares about me. If he did love me how much he told me then he wouldn't have cheated on me with my best friend, or at least he would be here for me when I need him most.
He never heard me, no matter how loud I was screaming at him to listen. He had on noise cancelling headphones and rose coloured glasses every time he was in my presence; he didn't want to see that I was falling apart right in front of him, so he didn't. He chose to see me as my old self, the woman he liked the idea of, not loved.
I need to get up to have something to eat and use the bathroom but I don't think I can bring myself to do it just yet, so I go on instagram instead. It's been a while since I've looked through, or posted on social media because I haven't felt like it.
If I post on instagram, then I will be posting only the good side of my life, and that's the only side people believe. If I look good on instagram, then they assume I must feel good on the inside because that's the way the world works.
If I scroll through instagram then I see the way everyone is having fun and living their lives. I see all my friends, smiling and happy without me by their side. It hurts because I know that they are all doing that without even giving a second thought to me. It's like they only remember me when they see me, not when my presence is missing from their lives.
I know that I'm only the main character in my own life, but I just didn't expect to feel like this much of a side character in theirs.
I decide to do some stalking, as I know that Maddy posts everything on instagram, whether it be a morning selfie or a photo of her outfit for a party. She is a broadcaster who shares every little aspect of her life to the online world. I'm not judging at all, she can do what she wants, I just prefer to be private.
I look through her recent posts and see the ones from the party the other day. On the first slide is a picture of her posing in her mirror. I scroll through the slides and notice that Jasper is in every single one of them. I know they spent the majority of the night together, so photos would've been taken I'd then but she doesn't need to flaunt him around on social media like he's hers.
Well, I suppose he is now.
The second to last slide is Maddy standing in the middle of Zack and Jasper as they both kiss her on either side of her cheeks. I reach the last slide and see that it's a photo of me that she took when I was looking at the make up she did on me in the mirror that I didn't even notice her taking.
She always was able to capture me in ways others couldn't.
I shake the thought away, and look at her most recent post that shows the trip away she had in my place. The first picture is her and Jasper standing next to her on the beach front, her having her arm around his waist. Jasper isn't touching her, but he has a smile on his face. Anyone that sees this will think that they are the couple, and that they have been for a long time.
I am turning into my illness, I am invisible to everyone but me.
If I'm being honest to myself, I don't think he or Maddy ever did truly love me. If they did they never would've done this. I think that I was a constant in their life that they knew would do anything for them. When Jasper got a little lonely at night he could come around and I would be there. They loved that I loved them as much as I did, not me.
They must've loved me, they wouldn't have been friends with me for so long otherwise. They just didn't like the woman I turned into when Archie died, or who I'm turning into now so it was the old me they loved.
Loving someone is about sticking with them regardless of their flaws, watching them change and being by them through that. I lost people who didn't care, but they both lost someone who did. They were simply like a beautiful painting in my life; not all art can hang on the walls forever.
Fed up of seeing Maddy's face, I click on Jasper's instagram profile. Even though he never posts on it, I want to see if it was because of me, or simply because he never wanted to in the first place.
His page is still bare, having only a picture of me and him and one of him and Archie on the ice. I click off the app now, I don't want to see pictures of my dead best friend and my now dead relationship. I'm damaged enough.
I get out of my bed, meaning to go to the bathroom and head downstairs but I just end up sliding down on the floor so I'm facing the window, with my back leaning against the side of my bed. It's uncomfortable but my legs have gone dead and I just need to sit down here for a little while.
I put on my headphones, and press play on my playlist. There is nothing I love more than music; it's genuinely the medicine for my mind and an inhaler for when I can't breathe. Corey makes me feel the same way music does, he is someone I can escape with.
But right now, I want to be alone, with only the music to block away the thoughts circulating through my mind. I like being alone, I like having this sort of calmness with myself and my surroundings. I like going through stuff alone because I can teach myself to be strong, but other times I just need someone to hold my hand, guiding me through it.
I stay here in this same position for I don't know how long and definitely fell asleep for a little bit. I can't hear the music anymore but I know it's still there because I'm not thinking about anything. It's like I'm asleep, but only my eyes are open. I can see everything around me, yet it's blurry and I can't move my eyes. I feel trapped inside of my own body, yet again.
Someone, who I assume is my mum, walks into my room and taps me on the shoulder. I almost don't feel it, I don't know whether that's because she only tapped lightly or because my body is blocking it out.
"Nadia? Are you going to get up?" Willem's voice says, so it wasn't my mum.
I don't respond as the words get stuck in my throat, I could almost choke on them. I stay staring out my window at the gloomy, cloud filled sky. The weather lately has been representing how I feel, there's been no sun in sight. Maybe once it starts raining again I can sit outside to drown myself in something other than my own thoughts.
I hear Willem leave and shortly after I hear more footsteps come in. My mum, dad and Willem all crouch in front of me but I can't move my gaze to look at any of them. I see their mouths moving but I can't make out what they are saying, they are speaking too quickly and all at the same time, it's overwhelming.
My mum and dad look at eachother, speak about something between themselves and my dad leaves the room, leaving Willem and mum where they are in front of me. I hate the way they are both looking at me, even though I can't see their expressions fully, I know it consists of pity.
I hate when they look at me like that, like I am weak. I am not weak, I am a person who is managing an illness no one can answer any questions too, all whilst keeping a smile on my face. That makes me stronger than a lot of people can even realise.
Again, I don't know how long passes by but my mum and Willem move to make room as another person crouches down in front of me, I soon recognise that it's Mrs Harrison from down the street, a retired nurse who used to work at the hospital. I'm sure they called her as they think something is seriously wrong with me because I'm not moving or talking.
Mrs Harrison starts by taking off my headphones and I don't react, I can't react. "Nadia, do you have any pain?"
"That's stupid question. She's always in pain." Willem mumbles, earning a slap on the back of his head from mum. I don't know why dad didn't come back, he probably had to take a work call or something, he's always really busy.
I want to laugh at Willem's misfortune but nothing comes out, I'm still frozen, unable to even flex a muscle. "Nadia, can you blink for me? So I know you can hear me." She asks, unclasping my hands from each other and putting them in her own.
I try my hardest to blink, but I can't and I think Mrs Harrison understands that. "Okay. I want you to try your hardest to squeeze my hand. Focus on the movement." She says now, her voice blurry in my mind.
I do as she says, focusing on my hand and trying to move it to be able to clasp it around hers. I can feel my hand moving, but nothing actually happens but I don't give up. I keep trying, with Mrs Harrison throwing words of encouragement every now and then.
"What's going on with her?" Willem says nervously, being a voice for my mum who is probably unable to speak at the sight of her daughter like this.
I continue trying to flex my hand and a pressure begins to build on my chest. I gasp for breath and I manage to squeeze Mrs Harrison's hand on impulse. Thankfully, I'm out of the trance-like state now.
I'm still breathing heavily and my mum rushes to my side, shortly followed by Willem who starts brushing the sweaty strands of hair from my face to stop them sticking to my skin.
"Give her a little space," Mrs Harrison orders them in a soft tone and they back away a little, but still stay close enough in case they can reach me in less than a second if I need them again. "Nadia, you suffered some sort of sleep paralysis. Do you know what that is?"
I try to speak but my throat is so scratchy that nothing comes out so I end up shaking my head instead. I've heard of sleep paralysis of course, but I don't actually know what it is. In my health and social care course, they never teach you anything to do with shit like this.
"Sleep paralysis is where your body is in sleep mode, but your mind is active. So in turn, you cannot move your muscles as you wake up as you are still passing between the stages of sleep." She explains, it all going in one ear and out the other.
"Has this happened before?" My mum asks me, her voice and eyes worried.
"A couple of times." I say, ignoring the burning in my throat.
My mum gasps, clutching her chest dramatically. "Why didn't you tell us?"
"Because it's not a big deal." I shrug.
"Of course it's a big deal, don't be stupid." She counters, her voice stern.
The real reason why I haven't been wanting to speak about it is because I didn't want this to be another thing they are worried about. Sleep is meant to be the reason where I can escape from the pain and refresh myself but it is also bringing me a real life nightmare when I wake up.
"Why is it happening to me?" I ask Mrs Harrison, tears threatening to spill.
"Because you're not sleeping enough honey, it's linked to poor sleep schedules and insomnia." Mrs Harrison answers, running my hand that is still clasped in hers.
"Not sleeping enough? She spends more time in her bed than anywhere else." Willem raises his voice slightly, getting angry.
"Willem!" My mum snaps and he leaves the room in a huff. "Sorry about him."
"Don't be, my boy is the same." She brushes off like it must be a hockey thing, since her son is also on the team.
"How can we prevent it from happening again?" Mum asks, hopeful to make a change.
"There's no way to cure it, but hopefully if you sleep better then it will stop happening as often." Mrs Harrison answers, as if I can control how much I sleep better.
I don't sleep because I'm tired, I sleep as I'm fatigued. I've researched the difference to help me understand what's happening with my body and tiredness is when you haven't had enough sleep and fatigue is a daily lack of energy that cannot be solved through sleep, therefore I end up needing to sleep all the time.
It honestly never occurred to me that I would wake up sick one day and end up never getting better.
My mum and Mrs Harrison help me up so I can get back in bed as this sleep paralysis episode has left me feeling exhausted. I forget my need to use the bathroom and the hunger settled in my stomach as the fatigue is too strong.
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
I wake up again and it's dark out now. I get up, thankfully not experiencing sleep paralysis this time and make my way straight to the bathroom.
Before I head downstairs, I swallow two pain killers to stop the nagging in my body. I hear the murmur of the television as I walk towards the kitchen. I open the fridge to get the food mum made for dinner and grab a bottle of water and make my way towards the living room. Usually, I would be forced to eat at the table but sitting up straight hurts my back too much so I'm allowed to eat in the living room.
I take a seat on the footrest in front of the sofa, where my mum and dad are sitting. Willem is nowhere in sight as per usual, so he must either be at training or with Corey.
"How are you feeling sweet?" Dad asks, taking a sip of his beer.
"Better." I lie, thanking that I took my pain killers before coming down so that it sounds more believable.
Mum smiles at me and then the adverts stop and the program they were watching comes back on the screen. I eat my food in silence as the program starts and apparently it's a show about invisible disabilities.
I lean forward, as if it will give me better hearing of the show. "Welcome back to tonight's special about invisible disabilities. Where we are going to look into the lives of three people and their stories with their disabilities." The presenter says.
The camera cuts to people walking in the street and a voiceover from the presenter starts. "One in five people in the UK are disabled. Eighty percent of that statistic have a hidden disability. That's over ten million people in the UK who have a hidden disability."
The camera again cuts but to a boy this time, playing some football in his back garden with his dad. "Before the break we met with fourteen year old Michael, who has ADHD, and his family."
It now cuts to a young girl, in bed with her dog and it reminds me a lot of Bella and I. "Then we met with Phoebe and her dog Ellie. We learned about Phoebe's struggles with being deaf."
The camera now goes back to the presenter and a crew member comes into shot with a chair and places it down in front of the presenter, who sits down in it. "Now we meet me, Shawn and my struggle with arthritis."
Mum lets out a little gasp and my father makes a comment, "Well, I didn't expect that."
Well obviously not dad, it's called an invisible disability for a reason.
Shawn goes into detail about his condition and how it affects him. I feel tears form in my eyes as I relate his struggles. No one sees that my body is at a war with itself, or the fact that I have a battle everyday just to get out of bed. Anyone who sees me will pin it on me being lazy, or a grumpy teenager, not the fact that it's a physically draining experience for me.
"People look at me in the street and assume I'm able-bodied. There's a stigma around disabled people that you need to use your walking aids all the time to be valid. That's not true, there are over one million wheelchair users in the UK and a third of those are not tied to their chairs, these people are called ambulatory disabled people." Shawn explains, looking into the camera.
"I get funny looks when I go somewhere in my wheelchair, and I get them when I get out of it to have a seat somewhere else, like in a restaurant. Just because I walked for the two seconds you saw, doesn't mean that I am faking my disability," He clarifies and I didn't realise I stopped eating until my stomach growls in hunger.
"You can still look good if you're sick and feel like you're dying on the inside. One day we might be able to participate in day to day activities, and others we cannot. Just because we can do something one day doesn't mean we can do it all the time. We cannot help it and we do not owe it to other people to pretend to be healthy. We are valid, no matter what. If we can walk that day, or if we can't we are still valid. We are strong." Shawn beams, speaking directly into the camera.
I feel the tears make their way down my cheeks now and I'm thankful I'm sitting in front of my parents so they can't see my tears. I don't want them to realise how much that meant to me.
It's something that I just want to keep with myself.
When you have something like I do you have to face three battles. The first is the illness itself; the pain, the fatigue and the other side effects. The second battle being the fight you have with yourself; the denial, the faking and the keeping everything to yourself. The third battle is where you have to live in a world where no one around you understands what you are going through, no matter how hard they try.
This show has helped me realise in only ten short minutes that I am not alone. I am not the only one facing something like this. There are so many fighters like me in the world and I owe it to myself and them all to try my hardest to get answers.
The camera cuts black and words appear on the screen, going into detail about the fight people with hidden disabilities have to have with the government to get the benefits and aid they need.
"Oh of course they are starting to talk about benefits, as if the government doesn't give them enough money." My dad comments and I freeze my movements, dropping my fork.
"Richard." My mum hisses
"What? How am I supposed to believe they are really disabled when they are out walking and shit?" My dad bites back.
"Did you take in anything that program was showing? We were watching this to understand our daughter a bit more and you go and say that as if she's not sitting right in front of you." My mum says angrily, standing up from the sofa.
"I believe Nadia, I just can't believe any of those people." My dad states, getting up off the sofa too.
"By not believing those people you just saw on the TV you are also not believing Nadia." My mum shouts.
"Nadia is my daughter, of course I believe her."
"Those kids are someone's child too." My mum screams, crying now.
I just stay where I'm sat, unmoving and staring at the adverts playing on the TV. I'm not actually watching them, I'm just trying to drown out what is happening behind me.
My mum and dad keep going backwards and forwards with their arguing and I manage to tune out what they are saying, but I can still hear their voices. It's like they have forgotten I'm right in front of them as they speak about this, it's like I'm invisible yet again.
Their mumbling turns something inside of me and I scream. I scream because I'm overwhelmed and everything is so loud and I want nothing more for it to stop. I don't know how long I scream for, or how my parents react but I do it until everything turns black.