Shattered Dreams [EDITING] - Chapter 32: Chapter 32

NADIA'S POV:
Once I wipe away the steam from the window and look around at our surroundings, I begin to recognise where we are. "What road is this?"
"Limmonth road, why?" Corey replies, pulling out back onto the road.
"Can we go somewhere before we go home?" I ask him and he just nods without making a scene.
"Where am I going?" He asks and I give him directions, it doesn't take us too long to get there as it's on the same road.
"Stop the car here." I tell him and get out of the car slowly as my body is still in so much pain from earlier. I was really bad when Corey had to carry me out of the restaurant and I think the stress of being around Jasper and having to pretend to be someone I'm not caused me to have such a bad turn. Now it's just Corey and I, I don't have to pretend so it uses much less energy.
Corey follows my movements by turning off the engine and getting out of the car, rushing to my side where I'm leaning against the passenger side door. "I won't ask you if you want me to carry you so at least use my arm for support." Corey insists, holding out his arm for me to take.
I hoop my arm in his and begin walking through the secluded pathway at the side of the field. This place looks beautiful in the day but it somehow looks better at night, with the moon and stars as the only source of light. I used to walk down here sometimes during the sunset and watch the sun go down. Seeing the different array of colours painted in the sky was an incredible sight to see. I don't appreciate the sunsets as much as I used to before Archie died. Ever since then, my world has lost its colour and I turned to the stars.
"Do you see sunsets as the end of something, or a new beginning?" I ask Corey, breaking the silence as we walk down the overgrown path.
"Isn't that a trick question? Aren't sunsets both of those things?" He replies, slowing down his pace the further we walk. "Also, how far is this place, Nadia? Fucking hell."
"Almost there," I respond. I think I'm speaking so much to try and cancel out the pain and fatigue that will soon overtake me. "It is but it's like me asking you if you say glass half empty or half full."
"Not exactly, but I see sunsets as a new beginning I guess." He says, crouching down to tie his shoelaces.
"Just walk Corey, standing around doesn't help, let's just get it over in one, okay?" I ask him and he nods, getting up. If I have a break in between then I will feel the pain in those breaks when I can just have it afterwards and I can ignore it for now. "Why do you see it as the start, rather than the end?"
"I don't know, because it's the start of night time, which leads into a new day. When I look at sunsets it's a sign that better things are to come in the next day, so I see it as a new beginning," He explains and honestly his reasoning is valid, he does seem the type of person to say a glass is half full. "What about you?"
"I see it as the end," I shrug, deciding to answer it simply as we are almost at where I want to be."It's the end of the day so It's the end of something for me."
When Corey looks at a sunset and sees the beginning or something new, I see the end. I love the idea of the end because I can look into the sky and see that I have completed yet another day and survived. I like thinking of it as the end because that means that I can have a good night's sleep and be free of pain for a while, it's like a reward for getting through the day. It is also terrifying to me because as it's the end of the day it means I am one step closer to the next day and I have to live the previous day all over again, one full of pain, fatigue and heartbreak.
For once I just want to be able to wake up feeling like I can win this battle.
"Here we are." I say as we approach the end of the pathway and see the old-abandoned house.
"What on earth are we doing here? I didn't even know this place existed." Corey says, taking the scene in.
I haven't been back to this place in a while and it still looks the same as I remember. The roof is slightly sunken in and the wooden panels on the outside are starting to rot and the door that was once there has turned into nothing, leaving the doorway bare. Looking at it, it definitely looks like it'll be infested with rats and numerous different kinds of bugs. The white fence that was wrapped around the house, encasing sunflowers in the garden, has now fallen over and there is no sign that any sunflowers used to live here, other than the rotten stems on the grass.
"It's beautiful, right?" I say to Corey, letting go of his arm now as I walk up to the doorway. "You coming?"
"Have you brought me all this way to murder me?" I simply smirk at him and turn around. "If this is because I kissed you and Willem is in there with an axe I apologise, don't let him kill me."
I let out a laugh because he is being completely serious right now.
"Yes, he's in here with an axe. Now come on."
"No seriously, why are we here?" He queries as he comes up to the doorway. I just look down at the floor and his eyes follow where I'm looking and he lets out a sigh. "Oh."
Lying at the front of the doorway are old flowers that have also started decaying and pictures and notes that I used to put here all the time after Archie died. It's a slap in the face seeing all of this here though after all this time.
"Was this yours and his place?" He asks sympathetically, taking in the scene again with a different mindset.
"Yeah, it was. But I couldn't keep coming here without him. I think I came five times in the first month but then I opted for the roof instead." I explain to him, trying not to cry at all the memories.
If I'm being honest, I did start to forget this place existed after a while and I hate that. This is a connection I have to Archie so forgetting this must mean I'm one step closer to forgetting him and I don't ever want that. I walk through the doorway, stepping over the flowers. Even though they are dead, they were still a gift to Archie and trampling over them would be disrespectful to him in my opinion.
"Is it safe to go inside?" Corey asks hesitantly.
"Corey, you risk your life on the ice everyday. Come in." I plead and he does so, also stepping over the flowers and the small act makes my heart swell. He looks tense as he's in here, he must have a fear of old-abandoned things but when he sees the happiness on my face his gaze softens.
"How did you come about this place, I'm curious?" He asks, taking off his hoodie and placing it on the floor and motions for me to sit. I do as my legs are in so much pain and I don't want to pretend they aren't as I don't have the energy to argue with him about it.
"We were out jogging together and we came up this way and we stopped for a break and decided to be nosey. I don't know, the place just stuck with us for some reason." I answer, wiping my nose with my sleeve as there's so much dust in here.
"It's a bit of a shit hole, don't you think?" He questions, leaning against the damp wall.
"It didn't always look this bad, it used to have a door and sunflowers out back." I inform him, seeing the imagination I had of this house in my head.
"It could use a makeover." He observes, wiping his hand along the cracked fireplace. He looks at his hand at the dust coating it and makes a face of disgust before wiping it off on his trousers.
"That's what we had in mind actually." I inform him, patting the small space next to me on his hoodie so he can sit down too. I don't like the fact he's pacing around this pace all nervously.
"What, giving it a makeover?"
"Yeah. We always imagined this place as somewhere beautiful even when it wasn't. We felt connected to this place when it was damaged and broken so we wanted it to be a place we can work on rebuilding together." I admit, my sinuses sting a little as I try to keep the tears from spilling out.
"What were you going to do with the place?" He asks, looking at me sincerely.
I tell him what Archie and I wanted. We had this image of a wooden cabin, with lots of insulation as it gets cold in winter. We wanted a yellow door to match the sunflowers we would have in the garden and the walls in the living room would be blue to remind us of starry nights, which reminds me I have an unfinished version of that painting. I was working on it for Archie's birthday but obviously I could never finish it.
I will never be able to give it to him so It just sits in my closet, half complete and forgotten about.
"What would you have done after it was finished, sell it?"
"I don't think so, no. We loved this place too much to be able to do that and we would've been even more connected to it after all the work we put into it," I explain, looking around the empty living room where I have spent some of my best memories in. "I think we would've lived in it if we were given the chance. I saw Archie and I in our early twenties out back together, him tending to the garden and gathering wood whilst I painted the scenery."
"That's beautiful," He puts his arm around me in support. "I'm not sure Jasper would've been happy with you living with another guy."
"Jasper can fuck off. Even he knew that if it were to come down to me having to choose between the two, I wouldn't choose him."
I did love Jasper but it was nothing compared to the love I felt, and still do feel for Archie. A best friend means more to me than any relationship ever could because there is nothing more beautiful than friendships.
Archie and I have always had a special bond, almost like an invisible string was tying us together. Now, when I pull on that string, I get nothing but void in return.
I look away from Corey and out of the window, where I see the stars start to appear in the sky. It reminds me that we spoke about having a room where we could go too to relax. We would have beanbags and a sofa bed, where we could lay and look at the ceiling, where there would be an overtly large skylight so we could search for ourselves in the stars.
"I see the vision in my head. I know you two would've made it work," He states, giving my shoulder a little squeeze and my insides turn into mush. "You would've made this place liveable."
"Yeah, it's just a shame he isn't alive anymore." I utter, turning my body away from Corey slightly as the emotions build up inside of me.
"It is a shame. But, I read this thing the other day that says we never die, not really." Corey announces, looking out of the window now as well.
"How does that work?" I raise my eyebrows up at him.
"Because energy cannot be created or destroyed and so we have always been this energy and always will, so technically we are also as old as the universe is." He explains and it takes me aback a little.
"That for some reason doesn't comfort me. I don't like the thought of not knowing where my energy will go when I die."
"Don't you think it's nice to know that even though he's not alive anymore, Archie's energy is out there somewhere?" He questions me, looking deep into my eyes.
"I suppose, I would much rather him be alive, using that energy though." I admit and Corey stands up, holding his hand out for me to take and when I do, he uses all of his strength to pull me up off the floor with him.
As I try to focus on not faint after being pulled up so quickly, I think back to what Corey just told me. He's right that it is comforting in a way. It's comforting when I think about it associated with other people, but when it comes to myself, it's not. I don't like the idea of my soul or whatever having to live on any longer than it has too because if I'm dead my soul won't be doing anything, much like I'm not doing much whilst I'm alive.
I like the thought that Archie's energy is out there. I know I feel him sometimes, so his energy must be watching over me. Where else would he be? Being in this place without Archie feels weird, almost suffocating. This was our place so being here without him doesn't feel right. I'd like to be able to say I would see our plans through to the end but I don't think I will be able to do it without him.
He won't be here to see the end result and I won't get to see the smile on his face when it's complete so it doesn't feel worth it. Nothing ever does anymore without him here.
I miss him so much.
"I haven't been sleeping well since Archie died." Corey admits, seemingly for the first time out loud.
"Me too, if you couldn't guess," I joke, causing him to chuckle. "No but seriously, how come?"
"I've not been sleeping much at all, I get bouts of insomnia where I keep seeing his face," he swallows, looking away from me again. "I wasn't even that close with him, not like you were, but It's impossible to think that I could've done something to stop it from happening."
"Yeah, I know what you mean."
"I'm terrified to fall asleep, Nadia." He admits, looking back at me now from where he stands by the window.
"You're afraid of your dreams?" I ask him and he nods. "Yeah, so am I."
There's a moment of silence between us after that, until my yawn cuts through the air. "We better get you home, everyone will be thinking I kidnapped you."
I follow him out the doorway, leaving his now dirty hoodie behind and say goodbye to the house in my head as I don't think I'll be coming back any time soon. I say goodbye to the dream Archie and I created all those years ago and I walk away from the place that reminds me most of home.
Corey doesn't hold his arm out for me to take, I just take it on instinct, like my arm is supposed to fit there. We walk slowly and in silence, the only sounds we hear are our feet walking along the grass and the trees rustling In the wind. I kind of wish it was snowing, we hardly get any snow in England anymore and it would look ever so beautiful here.
Looking at these trees makes me think. I kind of want my ashes to be buried at the same time as a tree sapling. My ashes will grow with the tree and my loved ones can come and visit me at the try and instead of looking at a grave, they get to look at me becoming a part of nature, growing into a new life. They can come and chill next to me if they are having a bad day and I find solace in that.
I know that when my time comes, the ending won't be a happy one as death isn't happy, so I see my life as the story, not the ending.
The walk back is more painful than the walk up here because I'm exhausted and more aware of my pain so I can hardly hide it any longer, but I will do my best. We get to the car and Corey helps me in, closing the door for me too. He opens it up again almost straight away and bends his knees slightly so he's more level with me.
''Don't give up on this place just yet. Your story isn't over and the stars still shine for you." He offers, kissing me on the forehead before closing the passenger door once again.