Shattered Dreams [EDITING] - Chapter 33: Chapter 33

NADIA'S POV:
Corey has been parked on my driveway for a couple of minutes and we have been sitting here in silence for the whole time. I don't want to speak or move because I am too exhausted too and I know that when I go out there, I will end up falling over or something.
I need to learn how to pace myself, but there is just so much I want to do. I can't handle living inside of the house, like a prisoner in my own life.
"I'll get an Uber home or something." Corey says, breaking the long bout of silence.
"I'm sure my mum won't mind taking you, she always does." I suggest, but he shakes his head.
"I don't want to bother her." He insists, which means that he is saying she already has enough on her plate looking after me so he doesn't want to add to her stress.
"Okay." I shrug, too run down emotionally and physically to say anything else.
It seems like he is waiting for something, like for me to invite him inside. I know that it's what I should do and it is what I want to do, just not now. Whilst he was driving us back five minutes ago, I was all for inviting him inside because I want to be around him all the time, but now I just want to do my own thing.
I hate that I have a physical battery and a social battery, it means I get fatigued way too quickly. Corey doesn't wear out my social battery though, his presence is one I can just sit in silence with. We don't have to talk to know what the other is thinking and we don't need to talk to enjoy eachothers company.
I can show Corey things I can't show anyone else, such as the abandoned house me and Archie used to go to, because he doesn't ask questions when he knows I don't want to answer them. He asks questions when he can tell I want to talk about it and that I need to. He will be intrigued when I do say something but he won't pressure me for anything and it is a trait I really admire about him.
The guy doesn't speak about his home life at all so I don't really know what goes on with him when he's not with me, but no matter what it is he goes through, he is still by my side wholeheartedly.
I love his company but I still need to be alone sometimes and he gets that. Jasper never cared about what I wanted. I force the thoughts about Jasper away. I really need to stop comparing the two of them, but it's hard when Jasper is the only experience I have had with this sort of thing.
"I'll go inside now. Thank you for bringing me home." I say, debating whether to give him a quick kiss or just leave and I eventually decide on the latter. I fully believe that if Willem is home then he will be looking out of the window waiting for my arrival because he is worried about me. I don't want him to catch me and Corey whilst his anxiety is through the roof.
"Do you want me to walk in with you?" He asks, just in case I need a hand walking to the door I'm sure.
"No, thank you. I'll be okay." I smile weakly, building up the courage to get out of the car.
I take my seatbelt off and open the door, grabbing onto it so I can pull myself up. The back of my legs cry out as I do so, causing me to wince at the movement. Corey stays in the car to keep warm and opens up the uber app. I'm unsure as to why he isn't going inside to spend some time with Willem like he usually does, so he must've already messaged him asking if he was in.
I take it one step at a time and breathe out everytime my feet hit the ground, trying to waft away the pain but it doesn't work like I planned it would. Painkillers rarely ever work on the pain I face these days, I have to sit through it like it isn't affecting me at all.
I'm glad it's not icy because I absolutely would've fallen over by now. I approach my front door and place my palms on it so I can hold myself up. That little walk, which was only a couple of metres, has left me gasping for breath and sweaty all over.
I used to be able to run longer distances, now it pains me to even be able to stand up in the mornings.
Once I've caught my breath a little bit, I turn my head around to make sure Corey didn't witness any of that and I'm thankful when I see his head still looking down at his phone.
I go to turn the handle on the front door but something in me switches. My head starts to thump and my eyes keep flashing to black with the beat of my heart. I gasp for breath at the pain my head is in and take a step away from the door, my knees giving away in the process.
I don't react, I just stay seated on the floor where I fell and try to bring my body back down to its normal. I hear a car door slam in the background but the pounding and ringing in my ears is making it hard to tell much of anything.
Corey crouches in front of me, whispering words of encouragement to me, telling me It's okay and I will get through this. I shake my head as tears escape me. I've never been this vulnerable in front of him and I hate it. I just want everything to stop for a few minutes.
"Can you get up?" He asks me and I shake my head despite the agony it's causing me. "Okay. What can I do to help?"
"Loud." Is all I can get out and he stares at me for a moment before covering his hands over my ears, blocking the noise. Nothing on the outside world is loud, it's a peaceful day with only the light wind making the trees rustle and yet him doing this helps it by a mile. His hands calm down the ringing and we stay here on the floor like this for I don't know how long.
When everything has gone back to normal I sigh out in relief, it almost felt as though I was dying for a moment there. I have bad turns all the time. And yet I still get surprised by them sometimes. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference in this stuff; it could be just another bad spell or it could be something serious and I wouldn't know which one it was because they feel the fucking same.
Corey lets go of my ears but continues stroking my face with his hand and something inside of me snaps. I back away from Corey so his hands are no longer touching my skin, his touch is burning me. Everything inside of me has turned hot, I'm angry and I have no idea why.
Corey stands up and holds his hand out for me to take, which I do because I won't be able to get up without him. He doesn't let go of my hand so I snatch it away from him and his face falls. I feel guilty but I can't cope with all of this, everything inside of me is broken and it's just going to hurt him by him being in my life.
"Nadia, let's go inside." He insists.
"No. Go home." I tell him, walking slowly back up to the door.
"Don't be like that, I just sat on the cold floor for you for fucks sake," He raises his voice, causing me to cringe at the noise. "Shit, I'm sorry sweetheart."
"Don't fucking call me that," I shout back at him, my throat being in agony as I do so. "Go fucking home."
"Is that really what you want?" He queries.
"I don't want you here." I confirm and he steps back, visibly hurt.
I do feel awful but hurting his feelings is the only way he will go away. Corey understands when I don't want something but he also won't leave me alone when I am like this. He is happy me not talking about what I'm going through but as soon as he sees it happening he acts like my mother.
It's overbearing.
I know that he is doing his best to help and wants to, but he can't. The only thing he can do to help is by leaving me the hell alone.
I like his presence and it helps me forget when I feel like this when I'm around him but right now it's too much. I'm embarrassed, as hard as that is to admit. The man that I have this situationship with, or whatever the fuck this is with, shouldn't have to see me like this. I don't want him to see me like this.
I need to be strong for him and for him to see me fall down because my body is too weak to support me is embarrassing. Me telling him to go away is me giving him an easy out, I don't want for him to feel like he has to support me because I have no one else other than my family.
Corey doesn't need to be here and I need to show him I'm strong. I need to show him that the pain doesn't bother me, that I am the same person who he grew up around. Nothing has changed, I'm just a little more tired than the usual person.
How can I possibly go out and meet new people like this? There's nothing that I imagine could be worse than meeting someone who is healthy and getting along really well with them for them to turn around and say they want nothing to do with me because I can't stay awake for more than a couple of hours, or walk a few metres without my calves aching.
Healthy people don't understand people like me. They don't understand how I feel. When healthy people are sick, they go to sleep knowing that in a couple of days they will wake up feeling better. Every night when I go to sleep, it's me hoping that I will get better but it never happens.
How is it even possible to be in this amount of pain daily and not be dying?
Corey doesn't say anything else, he just stares off into the distance and puts his hand in his hoodie pockets, trying to focus on something other than the weird air around us now.
I debate apologising to him but I can't, I need to push him away. I need to focus on myself and I need him to focus on himself too because he will never do that around me. I go inside after saying nothing and I make my way straight upstairs, clinging on the stair rail with every step.
"Was that Corey who dropped you off?" My mum asks, coming into the hallway now.
"Yeah." I reply bluntly, breathing in and out slowly to get through the pain of walking up the steps. I'm halfway up now, which is still so much more pain left to go, but I can do it. I always do.
Everyday I do things with Liam levels no one can even consider because if I don't, then I have nothing. It doesn't mean I'm fine when I do it, it just means I'm stronger than my pain.
"Why isn't he coming in?" She queries, opening the front door to see if he's still there. I sigh because she's going to invite him in and I don't want to be here when she does so.
I carry on up the staircase and make my way to my room at a snail's pace but I'm glad to be there when I get to it. I sit on my bed and let out a sigh of relief as the pressure on my legs evaporates.
I change my clothes to put my night clothes on so that I'm more comfortable. I don't bother with having a bath because I am simply too tired and don't feel like doing much of anything else tonight.
I slip my fluffy trousers on and put my rabbit slippers on, my cold feet instantly warming up in them. It seems like my parents have made up whilst I was out as there were two dishes on the table when I came through the door. My mum never cooks for dad when she's angry at him, so they never eat together so it was nice to see both plates there. I'll have to get whatever leftovers they had for myself for later when I'm hungry again.
The more that I think about it the sooner I realise that they made up as soon as I wasn't in the house. It makes me feel like I'm not only holding them back from living a life and going out all the time, but I'm also holding them back from having the relationship they have always had.
I wish this illness would stop latching itself onto me and everything I love that surrounds me.
My dog comes in my room and sits by my feet and I feel instantly warm and less stressed about Corey. The guilt is starting to seep its way into me though and I don't like the feeling. I feel guilty because of what I said to Corey and because I am ruining my parents' relationship. My mum and dad have worked so hard to give me and Willem a life that is filled with love and things we want, we are lucky with the family we were born into. They worked so hard to be able to put Willem and I into hobbies that we enjoy so I feel like I am disappointing them and taking advantage of all the money and time they have spent on my ice skating.
I manage to get into my pyjamas without falling or stopping as I have gotten a lot better recently at pushing through the pain when doing things. I'm exhausted and want nothing more than to go to sleep but going to that abandoned house has made me feel closer to Archie and I want to feel him.
I go to my bedside table and get two painkillers and open up my mini fridge, taking my tablets in one. Hopefully these will start to kick in soon.
I open my drawer and get one of my cigarettes out of the packer before making my way out of my window and climbing onto the roof. I shouldn't be trusting myself up here right now, considering I am exhausted and my legs are so wobbly but I need to be here more than I care for my own wellbeing right now.
After all, Archie did say when I need a reminder of who I am that I should search for myself in the stars, which is what I am going to do now.
I light my cigarette and bring it up to my lips, the smokey taste familiar in my mouth. I breathe in, feeling the smoke make its way down to my chest and release a blow, coughing as I do so as this is my first cigarette in a while, and watch as the smoke evaporates into the wind before me.
We all have our reasons to smoke, mine is to ease my worries and calm me down.
As I smoke my cigarette I look up at the sky and see the stars peaking through some of the clouds, as if they are coming out just to see me. I haven't been up here in a few weeks so I thought it would feel foreign to me, but I feel the most comfortable I've felt in weeks up here.
I know it's stupid as there is no one actually out there to listen but I need to rant to him. He is the only person I can go too to really get something off of my chest, it has always been the same. Me and him would always talk about Maddy behind her back whenever she was being horrible, we felt guilty about it but it turned out to be truthful what we were saying.
"Archie, what would you do if the one thing that defined who you are was stripped from you?" I speak out into the distance, tears spilling out of my eyes at the physical and mental pain I'm in.
I stay silent, as if I will hear a response but I am obviously met with nothing. I don't know why it disappoints me so much, I don't know what I was expecting in all honesty. I tuck my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them to protect myself from the chill air being blown my way by the light wind.
It seems that all I do now is focus on my past, but that is because I don't have a choice. I can't begin to think about my future because I can't bear the thought of still being like this five years from now. The past is all I have to go off because right now I don't see a future for me, so I will think back to my skating days as much as I can.
This isn't okay; this isn't the way normal people live and yet I have too.
My cigarette is almost done so I make my inhalers shorter so I can make the most of it because I don't think I'll be smoking again any time soon. I focus on the stars with each inhale and realise that when they say home is where the heart is, I get it. Home is where the heart is and mine is amongst the stars, with Archie.
I've always felt connected to the stars but now it feels much bigger than that. I feel like I'm a star that's trapped on earth. I'm doing exactly what stars have to do; watching from afar as the world moves on without me.
"Since when did you smoke?" Corey's voice sounds from behind me, making me jump slightly as I'm hailing, causing me to have a coughing fit. "Okay, I guess that answers my question."
Corey climbs out of my window and my coughing calms down a little. He pats me on the back a few times as if I was a baby being burped. He shouldn't be here, I told him to go because I didn't want him to be here, he's like a bug who keeps weasleing himself into my life.
"Don't you ever get tired?" I ask him and his eyebrows crease in the middle.
"Of what?"
"Not listening to a word anyone says?" I ask with all seriousness, but as
it's Corey, he laughs out loud at the question.
"Not particularly," is all he says on the matter, before changing the subject. "Why are you smoking? You never smoke."
"Yes I do," I shrug. "You just never see me do it."
"I guess I do have a lot to learn about you still." He mumbles under his breath, loud enough for me to still hear him though.
"I'm not a chainsmoker or anything. I just have one everytime I come up here. It helps numb the sadness." I expose myself to him. I don't know how he does it; one moment I was screaming at him to leave me alone and the next, I'm here telling him things no one knows about me.
I rarely open up to people; I don't like to feel vulnerable but with Corey, something in him just resonates with me. I feel safe with him.
"That's why weed exists, sweetheart." He utters, coming to sit down next to me on the tiles and I dab the end of my cigarette on them to put it out.
"Go away." I plead, looking out to the side of me so that he can't see how much it's paining me to tell him to leave. At least my painkillers are beginning to work now, making being up here a little easier.
"No, your mum sent me up to come and check on you." He replies, his breath clouding in front of him because of the cold.
"You've seen me and I'm fine, so you can go." I reply bluntly, lying down so I can look up at the stars and ease some of the tension in my back.
"I won't be doing that." He states and I'm barely even able to look at him right now. I'm embarrassed with how I acted towards him in the car. I didn't want to sleep with him then and there but I was just too deep in my feelings.
I don't know how I feel towards Corey, but I do know that I am attracted to him. At that moment it wasn't Corey in my mind, it was Jasper, kind of. I wanted to feel wanted by someone and as terrible as it may sound, I knew he would give me that. I'm glad he stopped me though because I didn't want it to be something the both of us regretted.
I just want to forget about the whole thing and move on from it but it's hard too when Corey keeps popping up at the worst times.
"I don't know why I'm surprised you're not doing as I say. No one fucking listens to me." I groan as he lies back on the roof as well.
"I sense a double meaning in that sentence. I may not be listening to you when you are telling me to go away, but I am listening to you." He reassured me and I just nod, not really believing him. It's hard to trust him on that as even the doctors who are supposed to find out what's wrong with me don't care.
"Nadia," He pleads, turning my face towards him so that I'm looking at him. "I am listening, you just don't want to let me in yet."
Looking into his eyes scare me because they are so mesmerising. They are a place where I can easily get lost in. Eyes are the feature that you should really notice about someone when you meet them, they are the first chance you get to look into the person fully before they open themselves up to you. Corey's eyes aren't very telling of his emotions, but I can see who he is inside of them. Eyes are the one thing about a person's body that doesn't change; hair will go grey and fall out, the skin will form wrinkles and your body will change. The eyes stay the same and won't lose their colour over time.
"I've been researching your symptoms, you know." Corey speaks through the silence as we look at each other.
"That's never good." I respond. I've not been researching my symptoms because I'm scared. I'm terrified of the possibility of it being something serious as the doctors aren't doing anything about it. I could be dying right now, which it certainly feels like, and they aren't doing anything.
"I think it could be fibromyalgia," He suggests in a soft tone. "I've seen it happen to someone close to me before and what you're going through right now seems similar to that."
I've heard about fibromyalgia and I know that the basic symptoms of it include pain and stiffness all over the body and fatigue, leading to sleep problems. It does sound similar but I don't know, something about it doesn't seem right. I might suggest it next time I'm at the doctors but as it's an illness you can't test for, they probably won't see it as anything that needs to be diagnosed.
My eyes start to flutter close as I look at the sky and Corey notices this. "We better get you back in bed then." He says whilst standing up. I make no move to get up because I genuinely am too fatigued to move. He crouches down and slips his arms under my knees and back, lifting me up as if I weigh nothing.
He covers my ears as much as he can and shouts down to my parents downstairs, who rush up to see what is the matter. They come to the window as Corey puts me into their arms, all without dropping me. He is always very careful with me.
"Thank you." My parents say to him as they tuck me into my bed. Corey stands around for a short while, unknown on what to do. My mum can see this so she gives me a quick kiss on the cheek and leads my dad out of the room, leaving Corey and I alone.
"My brother said he will pick me up to take me home, so I better go," He says almost reluctantly. He bends down, gives me a kiss on the forehead before walking towards my bedroom door. "Feel better soon, sweetheart."