Shattered Dreams [EDITING] - Chapter 35: Chapter 35

NADIA'S POV:
I'm soundly asleep in bed when I feel tapping on my arm, waking me up almost instantly and I see Corey standing over me, looking down at me with a soft smile.
When I knew his training was over, I sent him a text message from my mums phone, asking him if I can have my phone back because even though it's only been a couple of hours, I feel stronger and ready to ignore Maddy and Jasper.
Corey places my phone under my pillow and as I look up at him, I know I want him fully. I don't care what my brother says and it's something Corey and I can work out at a later date, I just know that this is what I want right now.
I hate the no label thing I have going on with Corey and no matter how much I push him away he stays by my side. If he didn't want me the same way I want him then he wouldn't do that. I know he loves Willem but he doesn't love him enough to force himself to look after me when he has enough shit to deal with himself.
"Thank you." I tell him, not sure what else to say.
"It's no bother. How are you feeling?" He asks me, looking out into the landing to make sure Willem isn't there before giving me a kiss on my forehead.
"I'm really fucking tired but I wanted to talk to you about something." I speak out so there's no going back now.
"Yeah? Go on then." He sits on the edge of my bed.
"I want to be-" I begin but cut myself off when I see Willem enter the room and his eyes harden slightly when he sees Corey sat on my bed.
"What's going on in here?" Willem asks us and Corey stands back up again and I stay silent, not knowing what to say and too fatigued to come up with a lie.
"She wants some painkillers but couldn't move to get them." The lie comes easy to him and the guilt seeps its way into me once again. I hate lying to my brother, he's been nothing but good to me, especially in recent weeks.
"I could've done that," Willem says, stepping in front of Corey and checking on me. "You okay?."
"Yes. I'd rather you both leave me alone so I can sleep." I groan but it's not the truth at all. I want Corey to be in here, to cuddle me through the pain and drift off to sleep with me. I want to talk to Corey about making things exclusive and I just want to be in his presence.
"You don't have to be the hero all the time, Willem, come on." Corey mutters, practically pushing Willem out of the room and I look between them confused on how Willem would take that comment but he just shrugs.
I have spoken to Corey several times over the last few days about how I feel regarding Willem's feelings for my situation. I hate how much it stresses him out and how much Willem feels like he has to be my knight in shining armour so to have Corey look out for him and take his mind off me means a lot to me.
I just want my brother to be happy more than anything. If me being sick for the rest of my life meant my brother could have eternal happiness, I would live through the pain just so he could have that.
"Later?" Corey mouths to me and I nod. He blows me a kiss before following Willem down the stairs and I hear their laughter ring out followed by the sound of the front door closing. I so wish I could be there, laughing with them but instead I'm stuck in bed, exhausted like I always am.
A few hours go by and after the several texts I sent to Corey went unanswered I decided to stop trying. I had a realisation about Corey today and I finally grew courage to talk about it and as soon as it happens it gets ruined. I doubt I'll feel confident to talk about it if he comes back into my room later tonight as feelings are terrifying and the moment is gone.
I still have no idea what he wants from me. Even though I know without a doubt I won't be seeing anyone else as I don't have the heart too and I physically can't but I can't be too sure that he feels the same way. He could leave my room every single night after I have opened another piece of my soul to him and go to see another girl and I would have no idea. I would hate it if that happened but I can't stop him as we have no label and I wouldn't blame him at all if he didn't want to be with me or seen with me.
I can't handle him wanting anyone else. I don't want Corey to be another good thing in my life that I lose, his absence in my heart will destroy me. When he looks at me, I want to be the only one on his mind, not him wishing it was someone else entirely.
I go to the bathroom and clean myself up as I haven't had the chance too in a few days as I haven't been able to get out of bed so I stink. I sit on the side of the bath as I brush my teeth and wet a flannel with warm water and some soap so I can wash my under arms. I don't want to have a proper bath as I just don't feel up to it.
I have learnt to be okay with not being clean all of the time, even though I hate it. I dislike when I can feel the dirt on my own body and when my hair is so greasy it sticks to me but it's okay. I know I can't bathe all of the time because it uses too much energy and I know that there will be a day in the near future where I can clean myself and that's all that matters. It's okay to give myself breaks, I won't be dirty forever, just until I feel up to being clean.
I finish up and hold myself up on the landing walls as I make my way back to my room and I hear the distant voices of my parents talking downstairs. They are probably sitting with a bottle of red wine and doing a jigsaw like they do most nights. We used to have a lot of family game nights but we stopped doing them since I'm always in bed and it seems the more time I spend in bed, the more time William is out of the house.
It's like I'm becoming more trapped everyday and he's setting himself free.
I walk into my room and in the darkness I see a shadow climbing through my window and the relief I feel that Corey is here again to talk to me is unmatched.
"Nice of you to answer my texts." I say jokingly, making my way to my bed and sitting with my legs crossed on it.
"I think you have the wrong guy," Jasper's voice makes the hairs on my arms stand up and I visibly tense, turning my lamp on my bedside table on immediately. "It's okay, I'm not here to have a go at you."
He sits on my window seat and as I look at him I can see his bloodshot eyes from here and the way he has tears dried up on his face, telling me he has been crying for a while or is either very drunk. The second option wouldn't surprise me at all but I can tell when Jasper is drunk and he seems stone cold sober right now, which is a shock.
"Have you been crying?" I ask and make my way over to him cautiously and sit down next to him on my window seat.
"No." He answers, turning his head away from me in embarrassment. Jasper has never cried in front of me, not even when Archie died. When he gets emotional he just shuts down completely, refusing to feel a thing at all because in his eyes not feeling anything is better than feeling something. I used to push him to feel negative emotions as they are what make us human but now I can sort of see where he was coming from.
I need to allow things to hurt and then let them go because if it never hurts me then I won't recover from it fully. Most of the time when things hurt, we know that better days are coming but that can't be said for everything because sometimes it just really is unknown.
"Yes you are Jasper. What's wrong?" I pull his face towards me so I can look into his eyes and it almost feels too intimate but I don't move or flinch away from him because I do still care about the boy even after everything he has done. I'm not just going to stop caring about his well being because that isn't the type of person I am. I love to be there for people, even if those people have hurt me in the past.
If I don't help and support Jasper right now I will be responsible for whatever happens after this conversation and I always imagine the worst. If I have learnt anything from Archie's passing it's that being there for people is important because you never know when it will be the thing that sets someone off.
"I just really miss you, Nads." He admits, looking into my eyes and I see some honesty in there and I swear I can feel my heart tear.
"You don't have the right to miss me. Not after what you and Maddy did to me." I counter and he is visibly hurt by this as he closes his eyes tightly as if to get what he just heard out of his head.
"Nothing happened, I promise. We were just trying to make you jealous because it seemed like you weren't interested in me anymore." He confesses.
"Why do you feel like that?" I query him, genuinely unsure as he has been the number one person in my life for so long.
"Because you weren't showing me any attention, you were stuck in bed. Even when I came round to see you, you wouldn't let me touch or hold you."
"There's a reason for that though, Jasper."
"I know that now. If you were faking this you wouldn't have let it go on for so long, especially with how much it's worrying your brother." He says and it takes me back a second because I seem to have forgotten how much of my life I have spent with this boy and how much he understands me.
"Yeah, I'm glad you're finally realising that." I say sarcastically. Even though it took him a while to understand, I am glad that I have another person on my side.
"You're it for me, Nadia. You always have been," He takes my hands in his as more tears slide down hIs face. "You always will be."
I pull my hands away from his as I feel the same familiar tug in my chest that I always used to have for him. It's not for him though, it's for Corey and the guilt I feel even talking to Jasper because I am scared of being pulled right back into the cycle with him.
"We can't, Jasper. We can't do that to ourselves." I tell him as a lump forms in my throat at the emotion.
I won't let myself cry in front of this man ever again, not if I can help it.
"Please just give me another chance , Nadia. I'll do anything." He pleads and I stand up just so I can get away from him as his familiar scent is suffocating me now.
"Why should I? After everything we have been through, it's not worth it anymore." I admit and I hear the sharp inhale of his breath from behind me.
"Because I love you." He shouts, looking directly into my eyes through his bloodshot ones.
"That's not enough." I shout back in rage. If he loved me as much as he said he always has then he would have supported me through everything, instead of thinking it was all a play so that I can win him back.
I turn around from him now and I am thankful that I closed my door so my parents won't be able to hear what is going on in here. I hear Jasper stand up behind me and I stay still as I await his next actions. He comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist, as if he doesn't want me to walk free from him.
"You know I love you, right?" He asks, resting his head on top of mine, not letting go of me but I don't make him, it's nice having his arms around me again.
"I know." I reply, turning around so I am facing him now. I slightly hope he can see in my eyes that I'm lying but as Jasper never notices the stuff he doesn't want to see, he doesn't.
"Good." He whispers, resting his forehead on mine and I feel his warm breath on my lips as he exhales. I don't move away when he moves his head forward to kiss me, I instead kiss him back with need. I do have some sort of need in me to do this.
His lips taste the same as how they always used to and so I push myself deeper into the kiss, trying to remember back to when I was healthy and would kiss him all the time. I know he doesn't love me and is most definitely here to have sex with me but I will take it because it is all I can get right now.
He's making me feel wanted.
He backs me up to the bed slowly, pushing me down and I try not to hiss in pain at the action. I pull him on top of me, not wanting to not be doing anything for long enough that I will start to regret doing this.
He kisses me with so much passion and I feel himself thrust his hips against me and I feel reach down so I can pull his joggers down. I don't want all the foreplay, I want to get it over and done with. I want this so bad but I need it to be over fast.
Jasper helps me pull his joggers down and he strokes himself a few times before looking up at me. "Are you sure you want to do this?"
"Yes." I reply breathlessly and he pushes himself inside of me and I immediately feel the pressure.
Jasper maintains a regular rhythm and I am trying so hard to think about the feeling of him inside of me and not get in my head but it's no use. It's like each time he thrusts into me, it's putting one more thing to overthink about in my head. I feel so strongly for Corey and yet here I am in bed with Jasper. I shouldn't feel guilty because we aren't together and I can do what I want, but I do because I want him so badly.
I want to be doing this and I need to try and stop thinking about Corey the way I am because I can't be with him. He wouldn't do that to Willem. I understand why but it doesn't stop it from hurting me.
I haven't had sex since I got sick and I thought that it would help me feel more myself again. Sex was a strong part of mine and Jasper's relationship and it's what helped us stay so close more than the emotional side of things. I thought maybe doing this with Jasper I would have some enjoyment and feel like my old self again, but instead I just feel miserable.
It's not the same as there is no love involved and I can't give him as much of my body as I used to be able to. Each time he deepens himself into me I feel a tug in my legs at the pain. I can't say he's not being gentle with me because he is, my body is just too weak to understand that.
Sex is supposed to be a natural thing to enjoy, yet even lying here is causing me pain. If I was Corey I wouldn't want to be with me ever as he can't have the emotional or physical relationship he needs from me all the time.
This illness is ruining me to the core.
Jasper grabs my hands and lifts them above my head as he continues in the same rhythm, something he always does when he's close to his climax.
After a few more minutes it's over and I feel the tears slip out of my eyes. They are the kind of tears you don't feel coming so you are unable to stop them. Jasper gets from on top of me and puts his joggers back on and runs his hands through his sweaty hair. His breathing is uneven and his hands are shaky, almost as if he can tell we lost the last shred of what we had left in that moment.
He looks over to where I am laying on my bed with tear stained cheeks and his face softens in hurt. Here I am, realising that our entire relationship I let him use me for sex and he is realising that he refused to admit that our relationship was ever anything more than sex.
He lies down next to me, not saying a word and just looks up at the glow in the dark stars I have on my ceiling, his breathing still hard. I want to speak but I can't form the words I want to say to him, I don't even know what I want to say to him.
I let my tears come out full force now and Jasper is immediately wrapping his arms around me, trying to protect me from the negative feelings. I turn my body around carefully so I'm cocooned into his chest and I wish I could stay in here for a while. This will be the last time Jasper holds me like this and I want to revel in the feeling a little longer.
I hate change, it's so terrifying to me and even though me and Jasper haven't been together for a few weeks, the thought of never going back to him is scary. I don't know who I am without him, him and Maddy were my only constants for a while when Archie died and now I have lost both of them completely. Sometimes change is good though because we cannot become the people we are destined to be if we remain as we are.
My crying begins to settle and I lift my head out from his chest to get a look at him and I notice he has been silently crying this whole time. "I guess this is it for us for good?" He questions and I nod in agreement, even though he knew the answer to that already.
"It's just not the same anymore, is it? It's because of Corey." Jasper assumes and he doesn't sound mad, just hurt.
"It's not necessarily him, it's just I'm going through a lot and your reaction made me distance myself from you." I reply honestly. Yes, Corey is part of the reason why things aren't the same with Jasper because he helped me get over hun as I realise that wasn't what life was supposed to be but Jasper just isn't the person I need for me and he can do a lot better than me.
I'm glad Jasper and I are calling things quits now rather than years down the line when we have kids together. We have always spoken about our future together and how we wanted to have two kids in an average townhouse, where we could give them the best start to life we possibly could. Now, I can't even think about having kids as I can barely look after myself.
I've always wanted a family and Jasper was the person I saw that with but I truly believe that he and I were cursed from day one. The idea of starting a family with the wrong person terrifies me. I don't want my children to have to pack a bag to visit one of their parents, or have to split their holidays and birthdays up just so they are able to celebrate with both parents. It just seems wrong and I don't want my kids to have to grow up like that. I want a family so bad but I would rather not have kids at all than have them go through that.
I tried loving Jasper into loving me and it just wasn't healthy. Even if he did love me as much as he said he does, the love either of us felt for one another was obviously never going to be enough in the future.
"I'm sorry for everything, you know that right?" He asks and I reassure him with a nod. "And I never cheated on you with Maddy. I hardly speak to her anymore."
"I'm Sorry too. I'm sorry I turned out like this." I whisper, trying not to start crying again.
"You don't have to be sorry about that, it's not your fault," He coos, running his hand through my hair. "He's good for you, you know."
"Who?"
"Corey," He admits and I raise my eyebrows up at him. "Don't look so shocked, I can be the bigger person sometimes. I hate admitting that but he does look after you and I've seen the way you look at each other and as much as I hate seeing you look at him like that instead of me, it's cute."
"Willem-" I begin but he cuts me off.
"Willem doesn't know, I know and believe me I have no intention of telling him. You deserve some little snippet of happiness wherever you can get it with what you have going on." He replies and I'm in shock, this isn't the same Jasper that I once knew.
We stay silent for a little while with just the noise of our breathing to keep us company. We both look at each other and smile solemnly as the memories we have made together come to the forefront of our minds. I made so many memories with him for them all to turn into nothing. My years with Jasper will be something I carry with me for the rest of my life, he was a big part of it no matter how badly things ended.
He gets up out of bed and runs his hands over his now creased clothes to straighten them out a little but makes no move to leave just yet. "You've changed."
"I never really changed, Jasper, you just never knew the real me." I state and another tear slips out.
"I guess that is right," He nods, bending down to kiss where the tear fell down my cheek. "I'm going to go now."
"Okay." I say reluctantly and he walks up to my window and turns around to get one last look at me. I watch as he leaves my room from my window and the invisible string that ties us together snaps. We don't wish each other the best for the future, or even the worst because we are comfortable with how we left things and it's not like I won't bump into him in passing.
I have closure with Jasper now so I finally feel content in not having him anymore. Letting go and moving on from him is so much more important than still believing in the fantasy that we would work out, I would've spent my whole life loving him, I'm glad I don't have to anymore.
In my eyes Jasper was the moon, but I was always too busy chasing the stars.