Shattered Dreams [EDITING] - Chapter 36: Chapter 36

NADIA'S POV:
I don't know how I got here, and I don't know how long it's been but I've been lying fully clothed in this cold bath for a while. I think it was once warm, I'm not too sure and I can't really remember. I think after Jasper left, I intended to go back to sleep but I was in pain so I ran myself a bath and was too exhausted to take off my clothes, so here I am.
I don't want to move, nor do I think I can, so I'll rest here a little while longer. I've felt almost numb since Jasper left and I can't decipher why. I'm okay with how things ended but I just think the shock of change is what's made me like this. I have been with that boy since I was just barely a teenager and I truly believed he was going to be the boy I was going to marry, he was my whole vision of my future and now he won't be in it at all and I need to accept that.
I sink downwards so I can put my head underwater and when I start to feel the pressure in my chest and lungs from holding my breath I make no move to go back above the bath water. I carry on holding my breath and struggle against myself and what is going on in my head. I believe it would be easier if I stayed underwater until the water filled into my lungs until it stops me from breathing completely.
I hope the way I'm feeling now doesn't last forever. I'm fatigued and lonely. I truly hate sleeping alone because there is no one there to calm the voices inside of my head. Staying under the water and ending everything right now would end all of this constant suffering, but I am trying to be strong. When I get like this- when the voices get so strong in my head- I think about my family and those that I love. I don't like to think about how my parents and brother will react if they find me with no pulse, but I have to in order not to take my own life. I love my family and I don't want them to have to suffer with losing me but I am already gone and the pressure inside of my head that is telling me to just get the pain over with is becoming too much.
If I die right now Archie will be there waiting for me with open arms and all I want is to be able to see him again, but he will soon push me to live because my time isn't supposed to be now, no matter how much I wish it would be.
People say that the universe puts people through bad things to make them stronger, but I don't want to be stronger, I just want to be able to live.
What I have with Corey, however much it may be ruined because I slept with Jasper, is special and I don't think I would be able to find comfort in him moving on if I died, some may call it selfish but I don't want him to feel what he feels for me with anyone else. I hate that I am keeping myself alive for others, I want to find happiness in living for myself.
Day to day life for me is not even living and I feel like everything just needs to stop. The more I struggle to breathe, the more comfort I begin to feel that this could possibly be the end. Where I am emotionally right now, I don't fight and I lie there struggling to keep underwater.
The sad truth is that even when I'm awake, I am dreaming of a better life.
Looking at me, no one can see the battle I have with myself everyday. No matter how close to drowning I feel, I keep a smile on my face, so I suppose it's my own fault that no one can see how far I am being dragged underwater.
I start to become lightheaded and the pressure in my chest is becoming too much that I have to hold my hands on the sides of the bathtub to keep me under but next thing I know, I am being pulled upwards so I can finally breathe again but not without coughing my lungs up first.
"Nadia, what the fuck?" I open my eyes slightly and I'm met with Willem's horrified expression as he breathes in and out heavily in stress.
I just shrug because my lungs still feel heavy and I need to get my oxygen levels back up again before I can even think about speaking to him. I'm searching through my feelings to find some sort of relief but I can't find it and it scares me, I'm scaring myself because I feel like this.
"I wasn't trying to kill myself." I admit, wet hair falling in front of my eyes.
"I'm sure you weren't," He answers back, sitting on the floor and leaning against the bathtub. I turn on the hot water tap and take out the plug until the water runs hot again as I am beginning to shiver. "What's happened?"
I shake my head and start sinking back under the water again to hide the embarrassment. I don't want to talk to my brother about my sex life but I think this will have to happen because he is the only friend I really have anymore. I can't go to Corey with this because it will hurt him and I don't want to do that to him.
"Nadia," Willem tells me sternly, lifting me up out of the water once again, "Tell me."
"IsleptwithJasper." I rush out, blending all of my words together so they are unintelligible.
"Come again?" Willem asks with a crease forming between his eyebrows in confusion.
"I slept withJasper." I repeat, only speeding up the second half of that sentence and Willem's eyes widen in shock.
"You slept with who?" He shrieks, pushing himself up off the side of the bathtub and sitting on his knees to look at me clearer.
"Jasper!" I shout back, causing him to fall into a coughing fit as if he was the one that had just been lifted up from underwater.
"You did what?" He gasps, leaning back against the tub now, not looking at me. I stay silent, waiting for him to go through his own thoughts as I don't know what to say to him. I can hardly explain to my brother that I slept with my ex boyfriend because I was trying to get thoughts of his best friend out of my head. "First of all, are you okay? Secondly, that is disgusting."
"No," I shake my head and pull myself out of the bath with the handrail and wrap a towel around myself to dry me off quicker, choosing to ignore the comment he made about being disgusted with knowing my sex life as I'm not much happier about it. Willem looks up at me with anger in his eyes but I immediately hold my hands out to stop him from jumping up, "No, he didn't force me."
"Good, I would've fucking killed him." He spits as I take a seat on the floor opposite him against the door.
"I know."
There is a bout of tranquillity where only the sound of the water going down the plughole can be heard. WIllem rakes his eyes over my whole body, trying to assess if I am being truthful about Jasper not hurting me and his shoulders visibly relax when he can see nothing on my body to indicate that I was lying. I hate that I am visibly weak and that everyone has to walk on eggshells around me. I want to be able to hide my pain, not wear it on my body like a painted canvas.
The one thing I will happily admit that makes me weak is Corey and he is by far my favourite weakness.
"No one will hate you for going back to him, you know. You and him love each other, you have got back together so many times before it almost seems natural for you to do it again" Willem speaks out and I shrink back into myself because the conversation I really didn't want to happen will have to, I will just have to try and exclude Corey from coming into it as much as I can.
"That's the thing, I have been disgusted with myself ever since it happened. I don't want him back this time." I admit and my nose starts to sting due to me trying not to cry.
"That is something I never would've seen coming," He gulps, going over what I just said in his head before speaking again, "Why did you sleep with him then?"
I groan because I hate that my brother and I are having this conversation on my bathroom floor after he just had to pull me out of the bath because I would've stayed in there otherwise.
"I don't think I was ever in love with him, I think he was just a safety net for me, especially after Archie died. I needed the distraction and being on and off with Jasper gave me that. It was easy." I voice my thoughts, taking the wet towel off me now and throwing it on the floor for Willem to pick up when we leave.
"So you slept with him last night to try and forget about Archie?" He queries, looking as confused as I feel.
"Not really." I admit.
I slept with him so that I could try and forget about Corey.
I think with Jasper, I tried to force my chemistry with him which isn't healthy, much like it isn't healthy to keep denying the chemistry I have with Corey.
"Then what is it? I know I'm your brother and this is awkward but you can talk to me." Willem says, sitting forward now.
"I did it to try and feel like myself again, okay?" I rush my words out and they keep coming like word vomit. "I have been so lonely since feeling this way and the two people I had closest to me ditched me and I was left to face everything on my own. I thought sex with Jasper would help me feel like my old, healthy self but instead it made me feel dirty and someone who doesn't deserve the tiniest shred of happiness."
"And that's okay but, Nadia, you are normal, this is just who you are now. You did a good thing walking away from Jasper because now that you aren't well you have to love yourself more than you ever loved him, which is also what you should've done when healthy." He declares, looking at the towel on the floor and then a smile lightens up his face.
"What?" I furrow my eyebrows together, following where his eyes are and I am even more confused. What is so exciting about a wet towel?
"You are coming out with me." He orders, standing up and picking the towel up to put it on the rail.
"What? No. I don't feel up to it." I plead, not accepting his outstretched hands to pull me up and I stay sat on the tiled floor.
"Tough. The fair is in town and me, you, Corey and Archie always used to go there every year when it was in town, that's not changing now." He says, pulling me up now as I have finally accepted his hands.
"Will Corey be there this year?" I ask carefully to avoid any suspicion but he just looks at me as if I just asked the most stupid question in the world.
"Obviously, get changed and then we can go." He tells me, walking out of the bathroom only to return a few moments later to shove some dry clothes into my hands. I put on the hoodie and joggers he chose for me and I sit on the bathtub so it makes it easier for me. I pull myself up and as Willem hears the movement he is in the bathroom helping me stand up.
"I'm ready." I sigh. I'm excited to see Corey but I am also really fucking nervous. We live in a small town and news travels fast, especially when half of the town consists of hockey players and figure skaters, so if jasper has told anyone what happened I'm sure Corey would've heard about it. I just pray he hasn't, he wouldn't like gossiping about the fact he lost me. I have to stop thinking about Corey because the more I think about what happened, the less I think I can face him tonight. I want to be able to look into his loving eyes without seeing Jasper's body on top of mine.
I regret it so much, I feel so guilty but I needed to do that for me. Jasper is completely out of my system now, for good.
We make our way downstairs and mum is waiting for us at the bottom of the stairs with my crutches in her hand, she's practically forcing them in my hands. I begin to shake my head in refusal but my mum smacks her lips together, "No. You're taking them."
I look to Willem for back-up but he just shrugs his shoulders, agreeing with mum. I bet he was the one to tell mum to give them to me. I don't think they quite understand how having to use walking aids in public makes me feel. It makes me become someone who can't blend in with everyone else, they make me look unique and out of place in public settings. I am okay using them in and around the house because only people I am comfortable with and know what's wrong with me can see me. If I use them outside I feel like everyone is staring at me, wondering what is wrong with me because I don't have a cast on my leg and my balance is still awful with the crutches.
When I have to use my crutches to walk I feel like I am an act in the circus and all eyes are on me to single me out and make fun of me. I feel like people see me for how I am walking, not that I am walking at all, they don't understand the amount of strength and energy it takes me to even go as far as one step. Everytime I put a foot on the floor is another shred of pain and I hate it.
Why can't I just be seen for me and not the help I need to walk? Me using walking aids doesn't make me any less of a person, it doesn't mean I deserve to be stared at or made fun of just because my legs don't work the same as everyone else's.
I take the crutches off mum to prove to myself that I am strong. I can use the walking aids in public and not want to freak out. I am still the same me, I just need a little extra help to get to places now. I just hope Corey won't be embarrassed to be seen with me when using these.
Willem drives us both to the fair and I am glad I decided to swallow my pride and bring the crutches because my legs are screeching at me even whilst using them. I follow Willem as I have no idea where he is meeting Corey and he has slowed down his pace by a lot so I am able to keep up with him with my shitty legs. He goes up to the food stands and I take a seat at the tables and I feel self conscious sitting here in the middle of everyone as they eat. I tuck my crutches under the table and let the wind blow my hair around, turning it into a mess.
I miss being able to feel the cool air from the ice rink on my face so as the wind blows my hair it takes me back to being on the ice.
I rest my head on the table until Willem returns from the food trucks with two burgers and drinks in hand. He sits opposite me, offering me a burger and drink, which I take as I haven't had anything to eat all day. "When are we meeting Corey?"
"Why are you asking about him? Can we not spend time as brother and sister with just us?" He asks in a mocking tone, to which I just raise my eyebrows up at him. "Ten minutes."
I release a breath, trying to get rid of my nerves but more build up in the pit of my stomach so I take a bite out of my burger, trying to focus on my food and not the fact that I will be face to face with Corey for the first time since sleeping with Jasper.
As I finish off my burger I begin to hear laughter coming from somewhere in the background so I start to cover myself up a bit by putting my hands into the sleeves of my hoodie. I move my feet so that they are sitting on top of my crutches, trying to hide them even more, even though I know it won't do anything.
The laughter continues and my breathing starts getting heavier. I untuck my messy hair from behind my ear and let it blow about in the chill wind again in an effort to try and cover my face and the redness growing on my cheeks.
"Nadia," Willem says sternly and I lift my head slightly to look up at him. "They aren't laughing at you."
"How can you be sure?" I ask him nervously.
"Because we are at the fair, everyone has fun here and I am looking right at them." He assures me and I turn my head around to see if anyone is looking at me but no one is even paying the slightest bit of attention.
I hate how out in the open I feel and I hate how I think everyone can smell the insecurity on me. It's exhausting.
Another bout of laughter from behind me makes me spin my head around in that direction and I am met with my old group of friends, laughing away. It's like I have had an arrow aimed straight into my heart and it stings. They are laughing like they once did when I used to be there, but they are laughing somewhat harder now that I'm not. I search for Maddy to see if she is there only to find Jasper right behind her, looking down at her with a smile as he talks.
As I watch them I notice how unsurprised I feel with it all. Willem looks to where I'm looking and immediately stands up, shoving the last bite of his burger into his mouth. "Come on then." he says with his mouthful of food and he crouches down to pick my crutches up. I snap my eyes shut in a wince because all my old friends are going to see me with these crutches and they will make that the topic of their conversation for the rest of the night. I know what they are like and I know how much they like to gossip, I used to be a part of that and now I am the one they are gossiping about.
I look over there again and make eye contact with Olivia, who nudges the others subtly with her arm and they all look over, whispering as they do so. Willem puts his hand on my arm as he passes me the crutches and I make no move to take them, I just stay frozen as I look over to the people I once loved looking at me with judgment in their eyes.
"Ignore them, take the crutches." Willem whispers into my ear and I do just that, taking them off him slowly in order to not create too much pain for myself.
Willem and I walk away and I can feel the anger radiating off of him. The person WIllem was before I got sick would've gone over there and punched every single one of them but he had to be the big brother he is and put his own feelings aside so he could put me first. I wouldn't have minded if he did go over there though to be honest. I try not to look back but I do and make eye contact with Maddy, who has a smirk on her face, telling me all that I need to know. Jasper is just like Peter Pan and I'm his Tinkerbell, I was nothing but there for Jasper throughout our relationship and yet he still chose Wendy.