Shattered Dreams [EDITING] - Chapter 38: Chapter 38

NADIA'S POV:
"Come on, Nadia, get up." My dad's voice rings out in my ears, waking me up from my slumber. I slept really well last night because I was so exhausted and yet I still don't feel refreshed. Yesterday was a big day and I did a lot, which I am proud of myself for, I just wish I could sleep a little longer as I really need it.
"Why?" I groan, holding the sheets over my eyes as my dad opens my blinds to let in the sunlight.
"We have to go to college." He demands and I groan again, tightening my grip on the sheets as he tries to pull them off me.
"No, I'm not going. I don't feel up to it," I argue and he just ignores me, pulling the sheet off me with ease. "What if I was naked, dad?"
"You weren't," He deadpans, throwing some clothes over my face."Now get dressed."
"Fucks sake." I mutter under my breath once he closes my door and I stay sat in bed as I change into my clothes. I don't bother washing, as I don't want to waste my energy before I even get to college.
I hate arguing with my parents about how often I go to college and they don't usually push me but on the days they do push me, I seriously hate them. I know that they are just looking out for my education, as that is in deep shit right now, but I wish they would put how I'm feeling first. I Just don't feel up to doing it. They use the argument that I go out to places, such as the funfair, but they don't understand that I still have to pretend I am okay and not in pain when I do that. I go out for a couple of hours at most and it's on my terms. If I am at college I have to do the whole day and learn, which just doesn't blend well with my symptoms. My head easily starts hurting and all my symptoms get worse when I am in stressful situations like that. I can't take anything in anymore, when I am in college I just sit there wanting nothing more than to fall asleep.
I quickly brush my teeth and go downstairs, where I find Willem and Corey having breakfast after their morning jog and curse under my breath because today isn't going in my favour at all.
I sit down opposite both of them to have a little to eat, for some much needed extra energy for the day and trying my hardest to ignore Corey's gaze on me as he chews his food. I haven't spoken to him since I said I wanted to have a conversation about becoming exclusive but it doesn't matter anymore as I know for a fact my brother opened his big mouth and told Corey about Jasper and I at the funfair.
I'm not mad at Willem for telling him because he has no idea there is even anything going on with Corey and I so he didn't know it would have bad consequences. I can't tell if Corey cares that I did that or not, he just seems distant with me as he looks at me, his eyes look cold instead of full of emotion like they were just a few days ago. I wish I was able to be the one to tell Corey, instead of my brother because maybe the outcome would've been different. Maybe if I had the chance to explain why I did it, Corey wouldn't be so mad at me.
My relationship with Corey is yet another thing I have destroyed.
I self sabotage a lot and I also think that has something to do with why I slept with Jasper. I don't believe I deserve the treatment Corey was giving me because of everything bad in my life. After being with someone for so many years the thought of commitment terrifies me as I don't know who I am by myself.
Intimacy is also a massive thing in relationships that I am scared of and that isn't just sex. Sex is a very intimate thing but I think special moments, such as showering together, buying each other flowers and cuddling, are so much more intimate. You can give your body to anyone you want to in the moment, but having those special moments is something you tend to only have with someone you love and I want to experience every one of those with Corey, and it terrifies me.
I have known this man all throughout my childhood and only now have my feelings come to the surface and they are drowning me from the inside out.
My mum hands me an envelope, distracting me from my own mind and looks at me with hopeful eyes and I am confused until I take it off her and notice that it's from the NHS. The last letter I received from them was when they confirmed I was on the waiting list to get my tonsils out so I have a feeling this will be them giving me a date so that can finally happen.
"Well open it then." She pushes me but I stay frozen with it in my hands.
"Nadia, it's a good thing. You will finally have a date." Willem speaks softly, thankfully swallowing his food before he spoke.
"What if it's not a good thing?" I say, putting the letter on the table. "What if it's them writing to let me know that I still have weeks or even months left to wait for this?"
"We can't be sure of that until you open it, sweet." Dad comforts me, rubbing his hand along my back.
"Do it for me." I push the envelope to Corey and he just stares at me blankly and I feel awkward that this is the first conversation we are having after the Jasper thing.
"Don't you think this should be something you do yourself?" He queries, not swallowing his mouthful of food before speaking, unlike Willem.
"No. If it's not a date for my surgery then I don't want to know about it." I offer as a reply and it seems to be good enough as he tears open the envelope, with Willem peering over his shoulder. I watch as they both read it and the relieved expression that is followed by two massive smiles tells me all that I need to know. My mum squeals in glee and kisses dad on the lips in excitement, causing Willem and I to groan.
"When is it for?" I build up the courage to ask and Corey checks the letter again before responding.
"It's for next week actually." He informs me and I feel a massive sense of relief, but the stress I have around this quickly builds up again.
Everyone around me starts talking about how happy they are that this surgery will finally be happening but I feel like I am struggling to breathe. "You okay?" Corey whispers to me and I look up at him and my stomach flutters half in guilt and half at how good he looks with sweaty hair. No matter how upset or mad he is at me for what I did, I am still his first priority and he will still make sure I'm okay, which makes me feel even worse about anything.
"No, what if it doesn't work?" I mouth to him and his expression turns soft.
"It will." He mouths back and I'm not sure even if he believes his words.
The thought of having this surgery and it doing anything to make me feel better fills me with so much anxiety. I know that it will help my throat feel less painful and tight, but what if it doesn't stop the fatigue and pain I get all over my body? I will be stuck and then there will be nothing I can do to help it at all. I can't get my nervous system removed so that I don't feel any of the pain. I just hope after this surgery I wake up and I am me again. I can go back to skating and work on the career I have spent my whole life working towards. I hope I can wake up and get to say that going through this was worth it because it all worked out in the end because right now, my life isn't about living anymore, it's about trying to survive.
"Right, we better go." My dad announces, handing me the crutches that we keep in the hallway and I take them because I have done too much this week and being too proud to use them will only cause me pain. It will be more embarrassing to fall down in front of everyone because my legs gave way than using crutches will ever be.
Mum joins us in the car and we set off to college and I am confused as to why I need both of them to come with me. Having them both here is kind of putting me on edge so I turn the radio on to drown out any anxious thoughts I may have.
We get to the college after a short car ride and dad turns the engine off and we bask in the silence for a short while. "Let's go." Dad sighs and both he and mum open their doors and I turn to look at them in confusion.
"Why are you both coming?" I ask and they give each other a look.
"We aren't making you come in to learn. We have a meeting with the head." Mum explains, giving me a hand out of the car.
"Why? Am I being kicked out?" I question them as we walk and honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if I was kicked out. I haven't been doing any of the work they have been sending me and I haven't come in at all for weeks.
"You're not being kicked out," Dad reassures me as we walk through the doors and I'm immediately reminded that classes haven't started yet. "Well, you're not getting kicked out yet. It depends how today's meeting goes."
"Richard." Mum hisses and begins talking about how he shouldn't have told me that because it will worry me but I tune her out the further we walk down the corridor. I do need my crutches to help me walk today but I try to put as little weight as possible on them in an effort not to make too much noise so that I draw attention to myself.
It's weird how much of an outsider I feel in these hallways, even after I have spent so much time here over the last few years. People who I once saw everyday, I don't see at all now and I currently have their suspecting gazes on me as I walk through them all. I see a lot of the guys from the hockey team who give me an friendly smile but everyone else looks at me with disgust, like by them simply walking past me they will catch whatever it is the rumours are saying I have this week.
I wanted to go unnoticed today because if I don't show then people will simply forget about me and by me showing my face today, they are reminded of my existence. Now that they remember who I am, different kinds of rumours about me will begin to spread yet again. Willem and Corey know all about what people say about me here but they refuse to tell me. They act as if I can't handle some made up stories as if the reality of what I'm going through isn't so much worse.
We make it to the reception and they greet me with a shocked 'hello' and tell us to have a seat because the head, Frank will be with us soon. The one thing I like about college is that we don't have to address our tutors by 'sir', or 'miss', it makes things a little less formal.
"Hello, Mr and Mrs Marsh, and you, Nadia, of course." Frank addresses as he walks into the reception foyer. My mum and dad stand immediately and give him a handshake in greeting. Regardless of the smiles plastered on their faces, I can still sense some tension between them so I have a feeling today's meeting isn't going to be a nice one.
We walk into his office and my legs ease when I sit down and I'm glad that they aren't going to have pressure on them for a short while. I have no idea wat this meeting is about but I hope it won't take too long because my back is already in agony being sat on this chair.
Could Frank not have got me a bean bag or something so I could be more comfortable?
"Please help yourselves to tea or biscuits if you would like, get yourselves comfortable before we start." Frank begins and we all take him up on the offer, my mum and dad making themselves a coffee and I grab a handful of biscuits out of the jar.
"Don't take them all." My mum mutters under her breath.
"She can have as many as she likes." Frank encourages me and so I sit the jar on my lap. This meeting is going to be uncomfortable so I may as well have the comfort of food to get me through it.
"Let's begin then, shall we?" My dad says, placing his cup on the table.
"Let's," Frank confirms, opening up his folder and I slouch in my seat, wanting nothing more than to go to sleep already. "As you know Nadia's attendance so far this year has been appalling. She hasn't been in for ten full days since we have been back and this is unacceptable. She hasn't even been doing any of the work we sent home for her."
"It's a bit hard to come into college and do the work you send me when I can't stay awake for five minutes, Frank." I say through a mouthful of biscuits. I don't care if I am being rude. If he saw even a glimpse of what I'm like when I'm at home then he would understand a bit better. It's like everyone expects me to be smoking weed or on my phone all day, when in reality I am in my bed, alone and crying out into the darkness.
"What she meant to say was she isn't well enough to come in." My mum corrects me, throwing him a sympathetic smile in apology when I know that she really wants to flip this table upside down so coffee goes all over Frank's ugly tie.
"With all due respect, I have to go by the college rules. We have no proof that she is as sick as you are saying, no doctor's notes or anything." Frank counters and I stick my hand into the biscuit jar again, trying to forget I'm even here.
"How can we give you doctors notes when even they don't know what is going on with her? They take one look at her and tell her it is all in her head." My mum raises her voice slightly as she argues my case. I am past the point of trying to make people believe me, it won't do me any good as I will still feel like this whether they believe me or not.
"Then maybe it is all in her head," Frank states and I go rigid and I can see my mum's face going red in anger. "You will be fined if she doesn't come into college as often as she should be. I wish I had better news for you but I don't."
"Can we make a compromise?" My dad suggests, speaking for the first time this whole meeting.
"Hit me." Frank accepts and me and my mum give each other a look as if to say we wish we could.
"What if she can do half days, a couple of days a week. So in that case she is still at least coming in without it being as hard for her as full days would be." My dad suggests and Frank contemplates it for a few moments. It is a good idea, although I know I won't be able to fulfil it because even that sounds too hard for me.
"Okay, if you can get me a doctor's note to say that even though she has no diagnosis yet she is still sick and under investigation then we can do that," Frank agrees, looking at me now. "You can come in two mornings a week and focus on revision because you have failed maths and english three years in a row and you really need to get those passed this year."
"That's fine with me. What about my health and social care course because I have to do sixty hours on work placement and I am definitely not up to that?" I ask him, eating yet another biscuit.
"I don't think you should do that anymore and just focus on English and maths. Once I have the doctor's note I will speak to your tutor and get everything sorted for you. Your exams are the most important thing here, Nadia." Frank babbles on.
"No," My mum chimes in. "Her health is the most important thing. The safety of your students should always be put first. You wouldn't make them continue sitting through an exam if the fire alarm is going off, would you?"
"No I wouldn't, you're right. One hundred percent, her health is the most important thing here." Frank agrees.
"So I come in two mornings a week, do some revision and go home and sleep." I confirm, getting ready to leave.
"There is a school you can go to within the NHS if you ask them about that. They will be able to support you a lot better than we can as we don't know what we are dealing with here." Frank suggests but I immediately shut it down, not even thinking about it.
"No. They don't even believe there is anything wrong with me, what makes you think they would refer me to a hospital school?" I ask and he sighs. I don't want to go to a hospital school, I would rather continue pretending to be healthy instead of being surrounded by other sick students, it would make it all too real to me.
"It was just a suggestion."
"Well keep your suggestions to yourself." I snap. I am tired of people telling me what to do with my life when they have no idea how I'm living it. I am tired of losing out on things constantly because of my body and this illness. Being an end of life nurse was the one thing I was working towards just in case my skating career went to shit but that's just gone right with it.
I have nothing now. If this surgery works then I will be left with nothing left. I don't want to imagine at all what it will be like if it doesn't.
"She didn't mean that." My dad inputs.
"I know she didn't. I understand your frustration, Nadia, but this is all I can possibly offer you." Frank states, running a hand through his hair.
"Is that all then? I really want to go back to bed and your chairs are uncomfortable." I question and he nods so I pick my crutches up off the floor and stand up with the help of my mum.
"Email me the note and I'll email you the details of her new timetable," Frank offers, holding out his hand for my parents to shake again. "Thank you for coming, I wish it was under better circumstances."
"Thank you, we appreciate your help." My mum replies, shaking his hand shortly followed by my dad doing the same thing.
Frank walks up to me now and offers me his hand but I just look at him blankly then look down to my hands, which are holding on to my crutches. He realises that I can't shake his hand and pulls it back, red flushing on his cheeks. "You used to be such a sweet girl, what happened?"
"Life bit me in the arse, Frank." I announce, walking out.